Fantastic Captain Mister

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Fantastic Captain Mister

  1. 1. FANTASTIC CAPTAIN MISTER<br />BY: TOD KREIDER<br />
  2. 2. HIGH ABOVE THE EARTH IN HIS SPACE COMMAND CENTER OF JUSTICE, CAPTAIN MISTER IS INTERRUPTED WHILE PLAYING DIABLO 2 ON NIGHTMARE MODE…<br />
  3. 3. *%&$# what I tell u about bothering me while I’m playin’ my computer games?!?<br />*Ring Ring*<br />ARGH that phone ring is so AVERSIVE! I need to answer it to make the aversive sound go away!<br />
  4. 4. Before:<br />Aversive phone ring<br />Behavior<br />Answer the phone<br />After:<br />No aversive phone ring<br />*%&$# did I tell u to start spoutin’ off escape contingencies?!?<br />*Ring Ring*<br />ARGH!!!<br />
  5. 5. Who callin’ me?!?<br />It’s the President! We need your help Captain Mister!<br />You interrupt my killin’ evil midget dudes on my compy and tell me u need my help? What’s goin’ down?<br />America’s under attack by a plague of Zombie Pirate Ninjas!<br />
  6. 6. Oh snap! The zombies, the pirates AND the ninjas are on the SAME TEAM now?!?<br />No nono … some evil mastermind has combined them all! Will you save us Cap?<br />I’m on my way!<br />
  7. 7. … As soon as I kick out all these naked, passed out groupie babes.<br />
  8. 8. And so Captain Mister heads to NORAD in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice …<br />
  9. 9. Oh snap! I forgot to wear the Ultimate Spacesuit Diaper of Justice!<br />This is gonna get messy …<br />
  10. 10. General, Mister Captain is here to see you, sir!<br />That’s the third time he’s made the aversive sound of my name being used wrong!<br />
  11. 11. Before: <br />Will hear name said incorrectly soon<br />Behavior: Vaporize the mispronoun-cingdimwit<br />After:<br />Won’t hear name said incorrectly soon<br />That avoidance contingency is brilliant, random NORAD nerd!<br />
  12. 12. ZAP!!!<br />
  13. 13. That’s okay, we didn’t need that dweeb anyway!<br />What happened to your legs?<br />They were too much effort to draw onto my body.<br />Anyway, we heard the zombies were coming out of the ground in Cozumel, Mexico, so we got the satellite feed … check out what we found!<br />
  14. 14.
  15. 15. That looks like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot, general.<br />You’re darn right it is, LOL!<br />
  16. 16. But seriously, the zombie things are coming out of the ground near Kalamazoo, Michigan. Here are the coordinates.<br />And be quick about it! We’ve got only 12 hours before those zombie things reach D.C.!<br />
  17. 17. Suddenly, Captain Mister breaks out into a chicken dance …<br />
  18. 18. What are you DOING?!? You’re supposed to be saving AMERICA!<br />I have to do the chicken dance before I begin the mission, or else the abominable alien slave-lords of the dream world will enslave me for eternity!<br />Cut out the superstitious behavior and get a move on!<br />
  19. 19. Oh man, I could totally head to Cozumel and party with that SI swimsuit babe with the painted-on swimsuit …<br />… but if I do that, I can’t save America in time!<br />
  20. 20. After:<br />D.C. will be saved and can probably party with random babes<br />SD:<br />(Deadline)<br />Before 12 hours is up<br />Behavior:<br />Stop the Zombie Pirate Ninja Plague<br />Before:<br />D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes<br />After:<br />D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes<br />SΔ:<br />After 12 hours is up<br />…GEEZ even swimsuit models know analogs to avoidance of the loss of an opportunity to receive a reinforcer!<br />
  21. 21. If I save the world first, I probably can’t party with the practically naked babe …<br />… but I can probably party with some RANDOM babes after I save America!<br />Partying with random babes sounds WAY riskier!<br />And risky behavior produces lots of adrenaline!<br />
  22. 22. Before:<br />No increase in reinforcing adrenaline<br />Behavior:<br />Party with random babes<br />After:<br />Increase in reinforcing adrenaline<br />And since I’m such a BAMF and addicted to adrenaline, the random babe party will be WAY more reinforcing than the quasi-swimsuit babe party!<br />Yeah, a basic reinforcement contingency, general!<br />
  23. 23. Captain Mister lands on the ground in Kalamazoo …<br />
  24. 24. *Ring Ring*<br />WTF?!?<br />Oh snap! It’s my mom! THIS CALL COULD TAKE HOURS!<br />If I don’t pick up the phone, she’ll keep calling!<br />But if I pick it up, she’ll do the same thing again later, knowing I’ll pick it up …<br />
  25. 25. Before:<br />Mom calls repeatedly<br />Behavior:<br />Answer mom’s call<br />After:<br />Mom does not call repeatedly<br />Before:<br />Don’t answer mom’s call<br />Behavior:<br />Mom calls repeatedly<br />After:<br />Answer mom’s call<br />Before:<br />Mom calls repeatedly<br /> <br />Before:<br />Answer mom’s call<br /> <br />Before:<br />Don’t answer mom’s call<br /> <br />Before:<br />Mom does not call repeatedly<br /> <br />Whoa, even random skyscraper-residing Kala-bamans know the Sick Social Cycle!<br />
  26. 26. Hi ma …<br />WELL it’s about TIME someone answered the darned phone! I was just telling Charlene here how I thought I whooped better contingency control into you than to let your dear old ma …<br />Ma, I’m kinda busy … can we talk later?<br />OH, I see! Too busy with your skank hoes to talk to your dear old ma! Boy I oughta …<br />*BEEP*<br />*Phew* Now where are those zombies?<br />
  27. 27. Oh snap! They’re coming out of the ground by that evil looking castle place and OH GOD THEY’VE GOT NUMBCHUCKS!<br />ヌンチャク!<br />… and they’ve spotted me with their keen ninja senses!<br />Time to put to use my Street Fighter skills!<br />
  28. 28. HADOUKEN!!!<br />
  29. 29. Whoa, wassuphott police officer babes! Is there a problem?<br />We were just wondering how you did that sexy fireball thing with your hands!<br />
  30. 30. Oh that’s easy!<br /> + P<br />???<br />Anyway, now to find out what’s in that hole!<br />
  31. 31. And so, ignoring any possible innuendos, the Cap begins probing the hole …<br />
  32. 32. Hey it’s a big laboratory and OH GOD IT’S DR. MALOTT THE EVIL BEHAVIORAL SCIENTIST OF DOOM!!!<br />Yeah, you landed right in my trap, just like I planned! NO ONE outsmarts Uncle Dickie!<br />Rats! How did I not see! You’ve unleashed your behavioral zombie grad students on the earth after teaching them ninjutsu!<br />
  33. 33. You’re smarter than you look! Yeah, I tried for years to save the world throughbehavior analysis, but after a while I came to realize it’s not gonnahappen …<br />… so I took my coolest grad students, taught them the fine art of piracy, then transformed them into zombies before teaching them ninjutsu! <br />WAY more scary than an army of rats.<br />
  34. 34. You’ll never get away with this Dr. Malott!<br />Whatever, man, the only thing that can stop the zombie plague is this Zombie Retrovirus Granola I cooked up and placed within easy reach of you!<br />
  35. 35. *SNATCH*<br />Whoa! I didn’t expect that …<br />
  36. 36. Stick THAT in your dipper Uncle Dickie!<br />
  37. 37. And so the Cap hops in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice and sprinkles the Zombie Retrovirus Granola into the atmosphere…<br />
  38. 38. Nobody’s cleaned up this mess yet?!?<br />
  39. 39. Wassup, President Norris!<br />You’ve saved America, Cap!<br />I mean I totally could have roundhouse kicked all those zombie things myself …<br />… but I’m the mutha%&*#$@ President! I let little midget superheroes do it for me!<br />
  40. 40. Anyway, how can we ever repay you Cap?<br />Well …<br />… there is this photo shoot in Cozumel …<br />
  41. 41. FIN<br />

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