HIGH ABOVE THE EARTH IN HIS SPACE COMMAND CENTER OF JUSTICE, CAPTAIN MISTER IS INTERRUPTED WHILE PLAYING DIABLO 2 ON NIGHTMARE MODE…
*%&$# what I tell u about bothering me while I’m playin’ my computer games?!? *Ring Ring* ARGH that phone ring is so AVERSIVE! I need to answer it to make the aversive sound go away!
Before: Aversive phone ring Behavior Answer the phone After: No aversive phone ring *%&$# did I tell u to start spoutin’ off escape contingencies?!? *Ring Ring* ARGH!!!
Who callin’ me?!? It’s the President! We need your help Captain Mister! You interrupt my killin’ evil midget dudes on my compy and tell me u need my help? What’s goin’ down? America’s under attack by a plague of Zombie Pirate Ninjas!
Oh snap! The zombies, the pirates AND the ninjas are on the SAME TEAM now?!? No nono … some evil mastermind has combined them all! Will you save us Cap? I’m on my way!
… As soon as I kick out all these naked, passed out groupie babes.
And so Captain Mister heads to NORAD in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice …
Oh snap! I forgot to wear the Ultimate Spacesuit Diaper of Justice! This is gonna get messy …
General, Mister Captain is here to see you, sir! That’s the third time he’s made the aversive sound of my name being used wrong!
Before: Will hear name said incorrectly soon Behavior: Vaporize the mispronoun-cingdimwit After: Won’t hear name said incorrectly soon That avoidance contingency is brilliant, random NORAD nerd!
That’s okay, we didn’t need that dweeb anyway! What happened to your legs? They were too much effort to draw onto my body. Anyway, we heard the zombies were coming out of the ground in Cozumel, Mexico, so we got the satellite feed … check out what we found!
That looks like a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition photo shoot, general. You’re darn right it is, LOL!
But seriously, the zombie things are coming out of the ground near Kalamazoo, Michigan. Here are the coordinates. And be quick about it! We’ve got only 12 hours before those zombie things reach D.C.!
Suddenly, Captain Mister breaks out into a chicken dance …
What are you DOING?!? You’re supposed to be saving AMERICA! I have to do the chicken dance before I begin the mission, or else the abominable alien slave-lords of the dream world will enslave me for eternity! Cut out the superstitious behavior and get a move on!
Oh man, I could totally head to Cozumel and party with that SI swimsuit babe with the painted-on swimsuit … … but if I do that, I can’t save America in time!
After: D.C. will be saved and can probably party with random babes SD: (Deadline) Before 12 hours is up Behavior: Stop the Zombie Pirate Ninja Plague Before: D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes After: D.C. will be destroyed and can probably party with SI swimsuit babes SΔ: After 12 hours is up …GEEZ even swimsuit models know analogs to avoidance of the loss of an opportunity to receive a reinforcer!
If I save the world first, I probably can’t party with the practically naked babe … … but I can probably party with some RANDOM babes after I save America! Partying with random babes sounds WAY riskier! And risky behavior produces lots of adrenaline!
Before: No increase in reinforcing adrenaline Behavior: Party with random babes After: Increase in reinforcing adrenaline And since I’m such a BAMF and addicted to adrenaline, the random babe party will be WAY more reinforcing than the quasi-swimsuit babe party! Yeah, a basic reinforcement contingency, general!
Captain Mister lands on the ground in Kalamazoo …
*Ring Ring* WTF?!? Oh snap! It’s my mom! THIS CALL COULD TAKE HOURS! If I don’t pick up the phone, she’ll keep calling! But if I pick it up, she’ll do the same thing again later, knowing I’ll pick it up …
Whoa, even random skyscraper-residing Kala-bamans know the Sick Social Cycle!
Hi ma … WELL it’s about TIME someone answered the darned phone! I was just telling Charlene here how I thought I whooped better contingency control into you than to let your dear old ma … Ma, I’m kinda busy … can we talk later? OH, I see! Too busy with your skank hoes to talk to your dear old ma! Boy I oughta … *BEEP* *Phew* Now where are those zombies?
Oh snap! They’re coming out of the ground by that evil looking castle place and OH GOD THEY’VE GOT NUMBCHUCKS! ヌンチャク! … and they’ve spotted me with their keen ninja senses! Time to put to use my Street Fighter skills!
Whoa, wassuphott police officer babes! Is there a problem? We were just wondering how you did that sexy fireball thing with your hands!
Oh that’s easy! + P ??? Anyway, now to find out what’s in that hole!
And so, ignoring any possible innuendos, the Cap begins probing the hole …
Hey it’s a big laboratory and OH GOD IT’S DR. MALOTT THE EVIL BEHAVIORAL SCIENTIST OF DOOM!!! Yeah, you landed right in my trap, just like I planned! NO ONE outsmarts Uncle Dickie! Rats! How did I not see! You’ve unleashed your behavioral zombie grad students on the earth after teaching them ninjutsu!
You’re smarter than you look! Yeah, I tried for years to save the world throughbehavior analysis, but after a while I came to realize it’s not gonnahappen … … so I took my coolest grad students, taught them the fine art of piracy, then transformed them into zombies before teaching them ninjutsu! WAY more scary than an army of rats.
You’ll never get away with this Dr. Malott! Whatever, man, the only thing that can stop the zombie plague is this Zombie Retrovirus Granola I cooked up and placed within easy reach of you!
*SNATCH* Whoa! I didn’t expect that …
Stick THAT in your dipper Uncle Dickie!
And so the Cap hops in his Ultrasonic Fighter Ship of Justice and sprinkles the Zombie Retrovirus Granola into the atmosphere…
Nobody’s cleaned up this mess yet?!?
Wassup, President Norris! You’ve saved America, Cap! I mean I totally could have roundhouse kicked all those zombie things myself … … but I’m the mutha%&*#$@ President! I let little midget superheroes do it for me!
Anyway, how can we ever repay you Cap? Well … … there is this photo shoot in Cozumel …