Expression: when clear about identity, people know who they are, then market knows who we are. Not in competition.
Who can you create a program so that all voices can be heard? Community outreach – Huge effort that Arizona Dept of Transportation. Applied Empathy – eg, when being told that have to move because eminent domain. “not being done to them”. A lot at stake when tell a small business have to move because everything at stake (retirement, life savings, etc).
See workplaces in which people can show up in their full humanness (depending), and where there is actions. Workplace is about doing something. Want to use empathy to create action. Tricky if only about feelings and expressions thereof over a period of time.
Empathy connected to empathic connection. Native American: first time listen, second time give suggestions, third will turn away
Explosive – cry for help. “filling in” before group comes together.
Opens people up (empathic action comes from action), people move into completing action plans out of true commitment.
Think about impact can have in the world – can be ready for the things like the tragedy in AZ, Japan.
Eg of an org – don’t talk to each other in hallway, and profitable and committed to saving lives.
“I talk so much” what could this be about? What is it, I need appreciation? Held a sacred space for this experience. One basic, core need: Love. Know you have it. Don’t have to build the trust, its there.
Martha Lasley has really been grieving missing the NVC community. (communication = community)
Being totally in your body – experience v. inspiration. Passion – needs passion in her work. Intellectual challenge – creative and inspiring part and sense of challenge – cross country (adrenalin) – living in the moment.
Can hold that can have both at same time – intellectual, creativity, natural.
Pottery – sensual, tactile, earth, not abstract, physical energy. Also a concept behind it.
Invite to get dirty – how can you get all your needs met?
Could do bits of all of them or could integrate all of them. What would that look like? What if had unlimited resources, what would look like? Stay with spookiness – what is core underlying need? Safety/unknown/lack of experience.
One foot in safety and security and need from freedom and structure and safety.
What are you going to do now that you have identified these sweet values.
Open Dialogue – how to sell NVC in business sector
Julia: how would you sell the NVC model so that they see the value?
Can’t mandate that will do NVC – like natural attraction, so can introduce on offsite retreats. The best way to bring NVC to organization and to do and let others see how great it is.
Eg, not healthy to be reactive if want really good communication. With NVC recognize that both listening and being heard is important. Warrior v. wizard archetype. Wizard is being in a place of “love”.
For hire CEO v. founding CEO. The effect of answering to a board of directors.
Patrick – comparing to Feldenchrist. Ask what they want and give empathy. Trick to listen.
Dennis – how do you get in the door? Austin, its the grievance process. Everyone has a complaint. First step, restorative circle. . . . How do you charge? Teach in every department to teach this.
How do you get the invitation: business partner knew someone. . . first step through other connections,
Questions: how could your job be easier? Just listen. . .
Listen well to language so meet where they are. Intrinsic motivation, how do you get to be passionate about what do? Draw a map of what else.
Robert – talk someone else’s languages – organizations have needs. EG, energy, structure, identity, purpose, mission, alignment. Do they have a good purpose or mission statement that people really know what it does.
Patrick – workplace. What about expressing gratitude as a way motivate people the cutting edge of where Pat is going. Positive side of NVC.
Express gratitude focus on what is good and positive. One gratitude worth 10 avoided conflicts.
Is NVC manipulation? V. communication that gets people to do what they want to do. People come together is because want to solve common problems.
Help people find what they really want. This is the difference between the manipulation v. NVC.
Do you need cooperation to get your needs met? Not always visible, offer examples such as these (flushing toilet, doing everything) and then ask where cooperation lies in work process. Make cooperation and collaborative visible in the organization.
What is the point of introducing NVC if don’t identify.
How do you present in a way so that really resonates with people?
Communication skills – start talking like a CEO. Tapped into his need and desire to grow.
In a traditional organization – the CEO is “it”, the one that matters.
The idea of a shared purpose, it is what intrinsically matters to me, it becomes part of the organization. Held accountable to the shared purpose. Mutually accountable. The people not held in people, held in circles of people.
No secrets ->intrinsically valuing human needs. Holds human needs as a purpose. Willingness to value purpose but not at expense of human needs. But not as a means to an end. Not a means of enhancing domination. The structures are what we need to change. Torn don’t want to give another tool to manipulate people. When in a group, qualitatively a difference that create as a basis that “WE” value human needs. Needs are purely human being – thus, org doesn’t have needs. There is a surge of power when
Fierce quality – need it, not an aggressiveness. Authenticity, clarity of purpose of and role, actions, results, and structure. Is about coming alive in selves. If show up even at the cost of job, you circle is bigger. If make a decision out of fear, worried because not connected to needs. If act out of fear and are connected to needs, it is something to celebrate.
More know that needs matter, more willing to do something.
The more an able to hear others needs, the willingness will have to meet their needs.
NEEDS: sometimes don’t need to articulate needs, an assuption of good will (passing the salt), if resists, then drop to a different level. THUS, don’t want processes that are not necessary. Use as few words as possible to get to the finish line.
Include all the needs that are present. Doesn’t make it harder because when connect and take ownership needs. Efficiency – if only take two minutes, but punished for next three years, you wasted your time. If spend 10 min on a decision and everyone on board, saved teime.
Stay away from notions on fairness because boxes things in. Not about what is fair, is about what is possible. Need willingness and enough trust. When facilitate decision, hold process tightly, outcome lightly.
Simulation: it department in a company. Entrusted with developing a new data base and website system. 20% cut in the budget. How do we respond to it.
How many have strong enough discomfort that want to air concerns (fewer and fewer people)
How many people are absolutely unwilling to live with this.
Is so unwilling to live with this, would resign.
This means that will anticipate resistence. Tomorrow’s decision their needs must be met or loose their trust that their needs matter.
Then ask if willing to go forward at cost of losing Lenore.
If boss willing to live with it. Then ask if rest of group willing to lose Lenore.
Handling Objections: Did we miss a need? A new need?
It could be that the objector has an idea, that doesn’t work as well for rest of group but adopted nonetheless because are going with willingness. Lenore – dig deeper, note willing to take a pay cut. Not with efficiency
Facilitation choice point: can get her to connect with need for efficiency. Distinction between preference and what willing to live with.
What are willing to live with – can start moving. Ask if connected with desire for efficiency? Work for it, until she shifts, or that others will shift. She is really speaking ot taking more time to explore more.
Keep looking for where the openness is and where willingness is.
Sympathize with the needs. Key is the shared ownership of all of the needs. Has to maximize the needs.
Process if have three different proposals -- temperature
Co-facilitate so that model collaboration. Discover what learning. Have to love each other, even in challenging moments.
NVC for change management. How to integrate two corporations. Involves introducing one website for entire company. How could NVC impact relationships? This group, a consultant. High level of conflict. Conflict gives rise to high level of engagement. 5 days, one day every 6 months, 2 hours of coaching per month. Make the training specific to needs. 6 hours training a day. Allow to join via videoconferencing, actual practice on real issues
NVC-about real solutions meeting everyone’s needs.
“Real play” for issues come up – work on real issues. They loved it.
Phone conversations while on showering. Just crazy. Actually resolving issues.
Preinterviews of an hour – already a combination of empathy and coaching. Get languaging and live situations. Integrate into design. Build trust. “Grin F’ed”. Language, supports credibility. Get org charts, descriptions of jobs, etc. do they even have it?
Want collaboration, not NVC. “That stuff works”. When there is a quality of connection, what ready to pay for.
Huge prep – standard. Bill as much for day of training as for prep. Extensive conversation with key player. Need a sponsor, will go to bat for you. Combination of luck, grace, and talent.
What did he say? He didn’t listen well. Was going be up or out, so highly motivated, got promoted. Coached a peer that had difficulty. Everyone measured on engagement. Had a high score compared to others in organization. Changed the relationship with teenagers, spouses, etc. most powerful way to learn nvc is in community.
Strong emotions surface, how deal with it: surfaced more in the coaching. Deep work in the coaching sessions.
Ask to -- Jot down connection requests would you make?
Kinsetic and somatic? What is going on in our body?
Marie’s session – helping with specific issues
Issue I – US forest service. Lots of money from BLM sale of land. Build visitor center, educational programs. Etc. goal is to have them respect the mountain, use the place, don’t respect and care for it. Funding to build the facility but not to operate. Nonprofit to care for. Chairman doesn’t have any land management background. He doesn’t share the values, where going, etc.
Release any sense of attachment to a particular result.
Does discussion of collaboration feel like a demand to them?
Key points: enemy image in the way. Intrapersonal.
If attached to outcome, then result is not really a result of attachment. Need at least one person to hold this space. If have a picture of how “should” work. Have clear vision, be willing to let it go. Like a wet bar of soap.
Another issue: hope and dream, some celebration about the change, working on self. Seeking is more on a organization part of ring. How tweak. Small company, redundancy of mission. Customers now want total seamless solutions.
Congruance have in this moment “its all about me”
Struggling with the risk that top willing to take, fear of middle managers, bottom want to connect.
Almost everything begins with the core. When it looks like its on the outside, start with you, and see how.
How to make collaboration real, especially in an environment that is embracing any of the principles. Owner committed to hierarchy. Fear with employees. She wants more power with, inclusion, that others’ needs matter.
Release self from notion that this is only workplace for you.
Become CEO’s best friend. It’s a lot a work – may not be a fit. Give her that place of trust, then practice empathy skills,
Smaller the group is (25-30), one ripple can go a long way. Look for an opening from her. The structure is set up, unless some sense of way for her to see value for herself. If bigger is a lateral chance for influence. Choice to work where contribution to make a change.
Micky – certain mass of willingness. Either CEO has willingness or all the employees come to you with desire to change.
Nugget -- confirmation that conditions and that may not be workable. Conditions for success increase the conditions for success.
What he does: So, . . . what does making collaboration real look like by on Day 3? Willingness of more than one person/group to work toward a goal. Hope that more than one person can make a better decision. By in from beginning, implementation is much more smooth. Letting all the needs matter and needs that support us in coming together. Think about the energy of the process. Being heard.
Explain to clients: in to make organizations work well have to wrok at three levels at same time
One thing you would love to change about the experience of working in organizations?
When at USC, not good at, didn’t give a shit, and why can’t org implement strategies? People were miserable?
How do you make the experience of work better? Either play in bottom or middle, or play at the top, the lion’s den. Top people can make the most difference. How do you make organizations less painful.
Strategic planning in med center. Domain of organizational psychology. Organizations and cells (biology) have a lot in common. Teach leaders to tap into fact that are complex adaptive living system. A lot of what doing is educating about systems in a way that it makes money. Have to serve making money. If shared decision making etc will have better market info. Really contributes to success.
Corporate America is about making money. Food company example. Top mfg team around global production of particular. Wanted to organize around 20% PBT (profit before taxes). What you make, I put in my body. What would inspire you? If all about money, then I don’t want to buy your products. Funny and tragic. How much connection are you getting is this is what you think? Why are you choosing you do it by making food?
At end of the day, strategy is about delivering intention.
Art that trying to practice is trying to get eople to think about meaning, rather than money
Stand on bridge, are a psychologist to help people and implement strategies.
Influencing factors – having children and NVC. NVC gave a very simple way to understand human nature. If reframe NVC as a way to think about human beings, then will create a lots of possiblities. Mental model for human nature. Don’t “do NVC” to people.
One train is the structure we have, until new train shows up, on this train. But still on competitive capitalism train.
Winston Churchill: gotta love US, after they try everything, they do the right thing.
Make them less of an assholes. Think of as human beings the best can be. Stuck in systems that don’t do what to do. Are decent people.
Our ability to hold great paradox is important.
Increased bottom line: less turnover, happier, more creative.
Examples of how position and how engage senior execs. Tap into insights about human nature.
Teams: how to talk about in a way that adds value. Are complex systems, lets understand how work. They often think are like a machine, lots of insights that is a complex adaptive organization.
Innovation: comes from conflict between what doing and what want. Needs. Blockbuster, blip on screen, Netflix. Kills innovation if can’t handle conflict. Uncertainty of ideas etc. EG, Hershey PA, biggest problem is that been successful selling chocolate. Did you buy two high end chocolate companies. Innovation for them is getting into healthy food and going global. Can they really do the former? Conflict
Think about PBT, unit of production is relationships. Not on balance sheets. Are you managing them?
HR- is having a lot of pain because they are in charge of managing departments. Many afraid ot try. Are hungry to make bigger contribution.
Umanity – how can you get people to be more explicit to how humans work.
If humans matter, what is mental model of human nature of how work, gave the model of the economist. Humans have finite number of human needs (11). A clear view of human nature, use for own purpose.
Relationships not strong, etc. then ask what is trust? Eg, son asked. “I don’t know what trust is, but it’s a great question, let me get back to you”
Model – roof of house is stuff. Foundation is safety, emotional, physical, reputational. Next, integrity: do what you say you are going to do, do the right thing. Mutuality/shared reality: when make decisions that impact me am I there. Competence:
Then, if having a problem, then have a problem. Encourage to use the mental model that NVC gives you in service of solving organizational problems.
When first learned NVC, very excited. Use with friends, relatives, colleagues, was bad.
Think about human nature, not NVC. That person is not an asshole, but a human with the same needs.
Use self as instrument. If you are confused as the facilitator, others likely are. If are triggered, lead with curiosity ask question: ask how it would be if person was there. If internal radar, use broad. Do in service of creating connection. Don’t be caught in empathy.
Too many leaders come unprepared. Digging way into business schools, all think like this. No prep for leadership anywhere.
Think about teams differently so more effectively. Technocrats not leaders. No skills about how to work with people.
If hollow out the humanity, just have folks coming for a paycheck.
Way to create openness to use data in a constructive way is to name the pain and then offer the solutions up. Why not ready: fear, lack of clarity (outed, worried), don’t trust that leader will do the right thing with the data. Most of work with leader to prepare him to hear the data.
Leaders suffer from isolation, don’t know what to do about it. Finally, you can be the person to talk to about it and make progress on it. Eg, swiss national that was helicoptered into business, swiss national never worked in California or in this industry. After 6 months, Ulrich called in because half of sr team ready to quit. How do you establish trust when he knew about to fail and stakes high.
Name major realities: chris, if we don’t figure out hwo to increase strength of relationship with team, game over.
Use with the trust with love and empathy. Can speak very hard truths, because they experience deep respect and love have for the person.
Thus, is an investment in a relationship between you and senior executive.
Need systems orientation, people, team, organization,. Don’t collect feedback data and fuck it up. Have to know what you are doing – is a form of doing surgery.
Start with where the client is. Not with workshop, NVC etc
Spend time in the lion’s den – try to work in top on organization. Will change your understanding.
Keep workin’ on the first step. O – Observations without evaluations.
Getting to the core: now have track record, drop names, from referral, training how to do this well. Quick study of the business. Asking good questions. He’s pragmatic – one thing can do by next month that will make a difference
Need to focus on leadership team because only 1 of 3400. Example of the security officer, who had a been a hostage negotiator. Empathy works – pull off if used sympathy. Theme -- just needed to be heard.
Psycotherapist for 15 years. Met Marshall. Focus on needs compelling. Knowing medical world etc. Had a local group of neurosurgeons ask for help. Great deal of learning.
Independent consultant: Mercy Medical Center, sister of mercy, slated to join in Baltimore. Worked with real people. Opportunity to work with everyone. Sister Tracey suggested NVC. Consulting before and after training.
Working with them in a domination structure. CEO makes vast majority of decisions. Maybe sharing of info, tell what to do. People in lion’s den want the change. Challenge is to find ways to impact.
Mission of Mercy – significant because of the spiritual underpinnings of what they do. Also significant that a sister who found the info close to sister in LD. Chief of OD was up for it. Thus, very powerful champions inside the organization.
Pilot – 9 hour training process for all staff and managers. Introduction of the training. Out of two day training – 3 hours of NVC.
Blended with Tai Sofia (Chinese med) Institute in Laurel MD. Language set that
Conscious mind: proactive connected, consider all needs, empowered, possibilities, always new, curious, facts & Large Story. Invite to joke and connect with it. Are connected with life or just knee-jerk. Story of human needs.
Sunday March 20 – Edmundo Norte – connecting and Collborating Beyond Power and Perceptions
Community organizing – Conociento – have to know the person behind the role. Have to do some conociento about self. Movie—“Stand and Deliver”. 50% drop out rate – a great teacher – they did well. Because this guy knows me, I will try. Got college scores, great, sent investigators, have to do it again, students did even better. Edmundo – because friend got into to university, he applied. Applied, got it – did they make a mistake?? EOP – education opportunity program: financial aid, from communities that typically don’t go to college.
In those days if you have a BA, speak Spanish, and 10 weeks of student teaching, you are in! Kindergarten and first grade combination. Most challenging students to person with least experience?? Often graduate with never having had a good teacher.
Would tape the novellas for parents. Came because knew I knew about their world. Focus on the whole family.
After 5 years lost focus – not connected. A spiritual nausea. Moved to chico so could just think (with girlfriend). Took counselor position at college – counselor and tutorial coordinator.
Harvard – looking for people with big brains. Drove in like Jed Clampett. Hilarious!
Advise – don’t try to be something great. Draw from own experience. Be yourself. Wrote about grandfather and about how important he was and how alive in him. Paper connected family and education community linked. Show up authentically – how do you bring this to more people. People discouraged PhD program. He applied anyway. He was accepted!! He didn’t feel that was a mistake. because got to know the people, the other students, teachers, everyone. Saw that just people. We’re all the same – same mix of people. Even though people looked and sounded different, they were the same. Difference was the expectations had for us along the way. Eg, never had connection with counselor. Low level expectations. At UC Irvine – expectation that study all night (midnight breakfast) and community supported. Idea that you are going somewhere.
Same question, east LA college v. Harvard – same question, totally different response. Interest v. making wrong. Do you feel you count? Not just language, take in ways of framing the world and attitudes. Don’t take “Bias and Prejudice 101”, pick it up. Even when have very conscious ways of wanting to do things, have very imbedded views.
So if change the look – from sunglasses and denim shirt to three-piece suit. What is the change in your perception. Different modality—not just vision and impressions, how we sound, differences in accent etc, associate with different demographic. Depending on where are, will dress and sound differently but same person inside.
Think about police cruiser – Edmundo’s brother was beat up, woman sees “to protect and to serve” and is relieved.
Steven Covey – 7 habits of highly effective people. Clock is the driving force – how do we produce more. He says – ask question with where do we want to go, what is important. Replace clock with compass.
Body – physical self. Take care of self. If important, build into the schedule.
Model – power exists in all relationships – personal, organizational.
Always asymmetrical relationship of power. In both positions, depending on where are. EG, teachers are in power relative to students and parents, in subordinate position relative to principle.
Subordinate – insight into what doesn’t work. Responsible to give voice to not working. EG, Teenagers can be very perceptive about what isn’t working, inconsistencies. Often communicate in a way that not listened too. Is also makes you vulnerable if speak up.
Courage required. Also a matter of capacity and skill. Can learn better strategies about how to express.
In power: even with best of intentions, can change if not working, but because are not on the line, is an inherent blindness to see what is not working. NEED input from those on the line, thus responsibility to listen and do something about it. This requires compassion. Create structures for receiving the feedback. Make self vulnerable to create the connection. RARE—conventionally in subordinate position, remain silent. Tend to speak a lot if in Dominant position, don’t listen enough typically. Most ships when organizations
This is how build authenticity and connection.
This is the broad framework, will notice in certain relationships sometimes have the upper hand. Are you willing to go into the win-over mode. How do you open yourself up, willingness to open up. With best intentions, may not work, so consider other strategies that will meet more needs.
Closing – building concimiento around race, class, ethnicity, is a key piece. Can develop the trust that can connect with the Corazon. Is part of shared needs. All been indoctrinated, didn’t choose it, but need each other to vulnerabley show up in full humanity and tender inabilities. There is a tender connection that will get us their.
Dian Killian– Collaborative Communication for Executives, a Fortune 500 Company
Go with the clients needs are. “peace is conflict done well”.
You finished reading a report by a direct report on the status of your project; the changes you asked for were not implemented. This is the 2nd time. DR asks what did you think of my report? What would you say?
Leverages concept that are familiar to us all but teaches us how to apply concepts
This training gives you a totally different perspective about how to communicate at work, family, etc
Its about making a deeper connection, listening and enhancing collaboration
As a result of this course our prject team is operating as a collaborative connec teach with a common purpose. Communicationas across team memebers has improved, meetings are much more effective, decisions are made quickly with little follow-up, and the members of a team that participated in the program speak to each other with candor and actionable requests. It works!”
What would collaboration look like? This came up lots in training. Called the training “Collaborative Communication”
And, biggest tool for increasing power is to learn to empathize with person at top. “Empathy for the oppressor?”
The more aware of power dynamics, better as a facilitor. In body want to do everything can do to counter power dynamics. If manager sits in the circle, a tiny bit of counter-balancing. If are the manager, and want to create truly collaborative decision making
NCV is a language – a whole new language, making the diversity and cultural connection, going to native American culture, “we are brothering” is dynamic and relational rather than ownership (my brother). In Japan, first form a relationship before do business. A lot of tea for one day. In US, focus on getting it done. Part of intention and process of humanizing the context. Relationship is an “end” in and of itself, not just a means. As a consequence, are living more in relationship. We are meant to live in interdependent groups.
eg, in Japan, nuclear disaster, want everyone to take instructions, and to adapt and make work. There is something about trust.
Eg, event, high value to getting it perfect. Ethos was that person that is in charge of event, every does what they say they will. After event, debrief, and analyze and figure out how to do it better next time. Complete power sharing in both models?
If primary need in every moment is heart sharing, there is tyranny in connection. If trust, works. Can be tyranny of everything.
NVC groups don’t adapt well. In production context, what is minimal connection necessary to accomplish task. Not a healing club. If in the middle of meeting get triggered, don’t know when to stop, bad. If don’t know when to stop. It is touching on the all the needs. Don’t want empathy for everything in life in life.
Edmundo: at very rudimentary level, subordinate positions, tend not to speak, dominant, tend to speak a lot.
Can also be contextual – topic of conversation. Learning to track that in this given context, which role. What is a strategy can use if really want to build a relationship. Easier if are shifting. Is there a no there? Model it, see it, do it.
Being vulnerable: when we are in the power position are safer. Are not creating avenues. True, in different situations, way of expressing power. Greatest strength is vulnerability.
Is room to speak a lot when in power, don’t speak the internal part, necessarily. That is one things that keeps the separation. As a manager, power structure always the same
As gradient moves, more difficult. It is where the stretch is.
Empathizing up, at Harvard was a teaching asst. people came in, from very privileged backgrounds. To see the degree of disconnection -- powerful thing to see.
Carol Gillian. Check out what happens – girls: 11-12 years, can act outside of gender roles. Get to hold onto who you are. Then go underground. Men –at 3-5 years old expected to be a man, negative judgment about heart. Incredible wealth who are profoundly hurt and disconnected from humanity. It is the task of oppressed to liberate themselves and the oppressor. Oppressor can’t find it in themselves to stop.
Think of situation, where the trigger is small and reaction of large. Pleasant/unpleasant.
Don’t waste time that core values are nice, but don’t real. IKEA story – ask 20 different people. Consistent about being “socialist”. IKEA actually slowed growth model because were losing common value. Event was the trigger – my boss moves boxes, just like I do. All people are equal.