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Relationships In and Out of Addiction and Recovery - May 2010
 

Relationships In and Out of Addiction and Recovery - May 2010

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"Relationships In and Out of Addiction and Recovery and Recovery" was presented by Ed Conlin, BSEd, CAC-R; addiction counselor, Detroit Capuchin Service System; and Janice Firn, LMSW; Clinical Social ...

"Relationships In and Out of Addiction and Recovery and Recovery" was presented by Ed Conlin, BSEd, CAC-R; addiction counselor, Detroit Capuchin Service System; and Janice Firn, LMSW; Clinical Social Worker, University of Michigan Hospital. This program describes the process of self-actualization; the formation of personal bonds; the dynamics of relationships in addiction; how patterns in thought, action and relationships are affected by addiction; and key attitudes and tools for healthy relationships. It is part of the Dawn Farm Education Series, a FREE, annual workshop series developed to provide accurate, helpful, hopeful, practical, current information about chemical dependency, recovery, family and related issues. The Education Series is organized by Dawn Farm, a non-profit community of programs providing a continuum of chemical dependency services. For information, please see http://www.dawnfarm.org/programs/education-series.

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  • Acceptance and Realism: Self-actualized people have realistic perceptions of themselves, others and the world around them.Problem-centering: Self-actualized individuals are concerned with solving problems outside of themselves, including helping others and finding solutions to problems in the external world. These people are often motivated by a sense of personal responsibility and ethics.Spontaneity: Self-actualized people are spontaneous in their internal thoughts and outward behavior. While they can conform to rules and social expectations, they also tend to be open and unconventional.Autonomy and Solitude: Another characteristics of self-actualized people is the need for independence and privacy. While they enjoy the company of others, these individuals need time to focus on developing their own individual potential.Continued Freshness of Appreciation: Self-actualized people tend to view the world with a continual sense of appreciation, wonder and awe. Even simple experiences continue to be a source of inspiration and pleasure.Peak Experiences: Individuals who are self-actualized often have what Maslow termed peak experiences, or moments of intense joy, wonder, awe and ecstasy. After these experiences, people feel inspired, strengthened, renewed or transformed.
  • Self-awareness frees us to be other focused when we understand how we operate, we can better understand their humanity Self-awareness includes: a recognition of our personality, our strengths and weaknesses, our likes and dislikes. What motivates us? What do we value? What do we fear? Why did I just do x?How do I treat others when their failings and limitations are revealed?It is NOT an excuse to do what ever we want because “that’s just how I am”.
  • counseling sessions I find people are trapped in a cycle of actions and knee jerk responses to situations, they don't know why they behave the way they do. They don't know their pressure points or triggers. Knowing these things about ourselves is particularly important in staff work or anything else we encounter in life.
  • Honesty and Courage: to get in touch with what we are thinking and feeling and to face the truth about ourselves. The better you understand yourself, the better you are able to accept or change who you are. Can no longer lie to ourselves. The more self-aware we are, the harder it is to lie to ourselves, when we do lie we know it. Being in the dark about yourself means that you will continue to get caught up in your own internal struggles and allow outside forces to mold and shape you.Willingness to Change: When you know who you are, you may have to change; and some people just do not want to change because changing demands effort!
  • (self conscious is being overly aware of how others perceive us – my clothes, my words, actions, etc. So caught up in projecting a perfect image of myself rather than being myself that I cannot see those around me.)
  • We are not able to be self-actualized if we are in the dark about who we are in relationship to ourselves, others, and our higher power.
  • Artistic creation, creative work, the greatest work of a person’s life.Self-awareness happens as we go through life and have different experiences – it will happen no matter what BUT unless we are intentional about it we will not fully become who we are meant to be, we won’t fully reap the benefits of our experiences. Intentionally place ourselves in new situations, situations that challenge us and that we don’t do perfectly. Finding out who we are and doing it on purpose, “intentional self-knowledge”. Ask for input from others. We need a safe environment and we often need to be free from crisis – Maslow’s Higherarchy of Needs. If the important things at the bottom of the pyramid are not met (food, shelter, safety) then we cannot work on the higher level tasks (self-actualization, purpose, meaning, generosity). Often crisis does teach us a lot about ourselves, usually that learning happens after the crisis has ended and we have time to process it. Difficult to measure self-awareness at time because of crisis. What doesn’t kill us may make us stronger but for a while it sure does try to kill us, it may even look like it has killed us. It takes time. If we take a measurement of self-awareness at the “wrong” point, it may look like self-awareness isn’t happening at all.
  • focusing on the uniquely human capacity to understand one’s place in the world and relationships with others

Relationships In and Out of Addiction and Recovery - May 2010 Relationships In and Out of Addiction and Recovery - May 2010 Presentation Transcript

  • Self-Actualization:Intentional Self-Knowledge - or – “Be All You Can Be” (and do it on purpose)
  • “What a man can be, he must be…This tendency might be phrased as the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.”
    - Abraham Maslow
    5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    2
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    3
    Overview
    Johari Window Theory
    Maslow’s Theory
    Self-Actualization
    Self-Aware Person
    Resources, Tools, and Recommended Reading
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    4
    Johari Window
    Known to Self
    Unknown to Self
    II
    Blind
    I
    Open/Public
    Known to Others
    III
    Hidden
    IV
    Unknown
    Unknown to Others
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    5
    Johari Window
    Public/Open Quadrant
    Blind Quadrant
    Hidden Quadrant
    Unknown Quadrant
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    6
    I. Public/Open Quadrant
    What I know about me
    What others know about me as well
    Name, feelings, motives, wants, needs, desires, etc.
    As we know each other and ourselves better this quadrant grows larger
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    7
    II. Blind Quadrant
    Things others know about me but I am unaware of
    I need to learn more about myself
    Ex: Food on my face
    As confidence, maturity, and self-esteem develop we actively invite others to comment on our blind spots
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    8
    III. Hidden Quadrant
    Things I know about myself that others do not know
    Secrets
    Self-disclosure
    Ex: favorite flavor of ice cream
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    9
    IV. Unknown Quadrant
    Things I do not know about myself and others do not know about me either
    New situations often reveal information about ourselves that we and others did not know
    Novel situations trigger new awareness and growth
    Self-actualization (Maslow).
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    10
    Johari Window: Under-Developed, Under-Aware Person
    I
    II
    Open/Public
    Blind
    Hidden
    IV
    III
    Unknown
    Lacks personal awareness and growth.
    Others unable to know person as well.
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    11
    Johari Window: Under-Developed Person(Co-Dependant)
    Open/Public
    I
    II
    Blind
    Hidden
    IV
    III
    Unknown
    Also lacks personal awareness and growth.
    So “other” focused that cannot know “self”.
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    12
    Johari Window: Developed Person/Self-Actualized Person
    II
    I
    Blind
    Open/Public
    IV
    III
    Unknown
    Hidden
    Developed or achieved one's full potential.
    Takes intention, time, and hard work.
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    13
    Johari Window
    FEEDBACK
    DISCLOSURE
    Known to Self
    Unknown to Self
    Known to Others
    Public Area
    Blind Area
    Unknown to Others
    Unknown Area
    Hidden Area
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    14
    Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    15
    Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
    Physiological Needs
    Safety & Security Needs
    Love & Belonging Needs
    Esteem Needs
    Self-Actualization
    “Deficit” Needs
    “Being” Needs
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    16
    Physiological Needs
    Need for air, food, & water
    Need for activity, rest, sleep, and to get rid of wastes
    Safety & Security Needs
    • Need for safe circumstances, stability, and protection
    • Need for structure, order, and some limits
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    17
    Love & Belonging Needs
    • Need friends, a sweetheart, children, and affectionate relationships in general
    • Need a sense of community, of belonging
    Esteem Needs
    • Need the respect of others, status, fame, glory, recognition, attention, reputation, appreciation, dignity, and even dominance.
    • Need for self-respect, confidence, competence, mastery, achievement, independence, and freedom.
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    18
    Self-Actualization Needs
    A continuous need to fulfill potentials
    A need to grow
    Need for:
    Truth - Goodness
    Beauty - Unity
    Wholeness - Aliveness
    Uniqueness - Perfection
    Completion - Justice
    Order - Simplicity
    Richness - Effortlessness/Mastery
    Playfulness - Self-sufficiency
    Meaningfulness
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    19
    Self-Actualized Characteristics
    Reality-centered
    Problem-centered
    Perception of means & ends
    Enjoy solitude
    Deep personal relationships
    Autonomous
    Sense of humor
    Acceptance of self & others
    Humility & respect towards others
    Human kinship
    Strong ethics
    Freshness of appreciation
    Creative
    Peak experiences
  • Self-Awareness, A Prerequisite:
    For effective communication and interpersonal relations
    For allowing us to embrace our own humanity, limitations, frailties
    For developing empathy for others
    For us to know who we are and who we are not
    5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    20
  • Developing Self-Awareness Can:
    Help us to recognize when we are stressed or under pressure
    Allows us to know why we are responding or acting the way we are
    Brings us freedom
    Ex: Counseling sessions
    5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    21
  • Self-Awareness Requires:
    Honesty & Courage
    Willingness to Change
    “One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth.
    Growth must be chosen again and again;
    fear must be overcome again and again.”
    - Abraham Maslow
    5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    22
  • Self-Awareness is NOT:
    Is very different than being self-conscious.
    An Excuse!
    5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    23
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    24
    Self-Actualization, Self-Awareness
    Self, Others, Higher Power
    Triad needs to be in balance, can’t have one without the others
    If we do our work:
    Relationships with depth, meaning, that last, that have room in them for mistakes, can be repaired, and are stronger for the repairing
    Something to offer, ability to receive
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    25
    Lack of Self-Actualization
    Leads to:
    Unbalanced life
    Poor self-care
    Is not mutually healthy/supportive
    Taking rather than giving
    Using rather than loving
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    26
    How?
    Magnum Opus: A lifetime of WORK
    Builds on what has come before
    Safety vs. crisis
    Obedience?
    Community/Commitment
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    27
    Tools
    Online JoHari window exercise http://kevan.org/johari
    Jung Personality types http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
    Personality Test http://similarminds.com/jung.html
    Keirsey Types http://www.keirsey.com/
    Myers Briggs http://www.myersbriggs.org/
  • 5/26/2010
    Janice Firn, L. M.S.W., Clinical Social Worker, U of M Hospital
    28
    Resources
    Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, “Of Human Interaction,” 1969.
    Abraham Maslow, “Toward a Psychology of Being,” 1968; “Motivation and Personality,” 1970; & “The Further Reached of Human Nature,” 1971.
    Association for Humanistic Psychology http://www.ahpweb.org/aboutahp/whatis.html
    Recommended reading http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/books/
  • RelationshipsIn and Out ofAddiction and Recovery
    Ed Conlin, BSEd., CAC - R
  • IS IT LOVE …
    … OR AM I JUST THIRSTY?
  • We Are Spiritual Beings…
    We have an infinite capacity
    and an
    unquenchablethirst!
  • When we get what we want, it never satisfies.
  • We are designed to be “Givers,” whose lives work properly when located in proper community where others are “Givers”.
  • Carl Jung “Protective Walls of Human Community”
    We need right relationships with:
    • Family/Friends
    • Community
    • Self
    • Higher Power
  • We can’t use love to make us happy ...
    ...“Love isn’t love until it is FOR the other person.”
  • If we use relationships to satisfy, then we make them objects for our gratification.The addictive personality will use such objects pathologically .
  • “ADDICTION is a pathological relationship of ‘love and trust’ with an object or event.”
    • Intimate
    • Exclusive
    • Used for gratification
    • Regular & Ongoing
    We come to expect the substance to do for us what makes us feel good (or not so bad!)
  • As with addiction, we become no longer capable of loving others for their good.
    We become only capable of using them to fill our needs, distract us from pain…
  • The codependent person will often sabotage their partner’s recovery to preserve his/her own role. Same with family…
  • Virginia Satir “Modern Family System” -
    • one family member in pain= all members in pain.
  • So with Toxic Relationships -
    • Begins with desire to love, becomes need to control.
    • A desire to be loved becomes a need to be desired.
    • A desire to help becomes a need to ‘fix’. … (a need to be needed)
  • Toxicity offers us:
    • Buzz of Intimacy
    • Buzz of Chase & Being Chased
    • Buzz of Sex
    • Buzz of “fixing the project”
    • Buzz of fighting/making up
    • Buzz of Chaos (all of above intensified)
    • Protection from the detox of withdrawal
  • Questions?Comments?
    Thanks for coming!