5. Wordiness
A sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains
only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.
6. Deadwood
Unnecessary phrases that
take up space and add
nothing to meaning.
Examples
0 Wordy: There were many
factors that influenced his
decision to become a teacher.
Hint: omit the filler phrases
"it is," "there is," and "there
are" at the beginning of
sentences; these often delay
the sentence's true subject
and verb.
0 Concise: Many factors
influenced his decision to
become a teacher.
7. 0 Wordy: They played a softball game that
was exhausting.
0 Concise: They played an exhausting
softball game.
0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade
computer systems.
0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is
expensive.
8. Some familiar expressions that are
Deadwood
0 There is/There are
0 I feel
0 I think
0 It seems to me
0 All things considered
0 Without a doubt
0 It is important to note
0 In my opinion
0 The reason why
0 In conclusion
9. Examples of Utility Words to
Eliminate or Replace
Vague Nouns
0 Thing (something,
anything, everything)
0 Situation
0 Kind
0 Type
0 Aspect
0 Sort
0 Area
Adverbs denoting degree
0 Basically
0 Very
0 Definitely
0 Quite
10. Omit "which" or "that” when
possible.
0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was
brown and poisonous, was dumped into
the river, the company that was
negligent had to shut down.
0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous
fluid was dumped into the river, the
negligent company had to shut down.
20. Miscellaneous Questions
0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?
0 Is the page length within assigned limits?
0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?
0 Does the Header follow the assignment guidelines?
0 Is the professor's name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore
0 Is your name spelled correctly?
0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in
the appropriate location?
0 Have you italicized book and movie titles and put stories,
articles, and poems in quotation marks.
21. Writing Tips
0 Write about literature in present tense
0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and
“anything.”
0 Avoid writing in second person.
0 Avoid using contractions.
0 Cut Wordy Sentences
0 Fix run-on sentences
0 Check for misused words
0 Put commas and periods inside quotation marks
23. A Work in an Anthology,
Reference, or Collection
0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or
anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this
sort of citation is as follows:
0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.
Ed. Editor's Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.
Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.
0 Example:
0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A
Tutor's Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.
Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.
24. A Work in a Collection or Anthology
Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of original
publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication:
Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of
Publication.
Langston Hughes
“Passing”
The Ways of White Folks
New York
Vintage 1990 1934
No Editor in this case
Pages 51-55
Print
Toni Morrison
“Recitatif”
Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of African
American Women
Publisher: Morrow
Edition: 1983
Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina Baraka
Place Published: New York
Pages 243-260
Print
25. Recorded Films or Movies
List films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and the
release year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use the
abbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate medium
of publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).
Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah Jessica
Parker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.
The Human Stain
Directed by Robert Benton
Performers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman,
Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.
Distributor: Miramax
Release Year: 2003
Medium: DVD
26. An Article in a Scholarly Journal
0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.
0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.
Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.
0 Example:
Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The
Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devi's Bashai
Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Women's Literature 15.1
(1996): 41-50. Print.
27. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to the
Biological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases
6.6 (2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Randall Kennedy
“Racial Passing”
Ohio State Law Journal
Volume 62
Issue 1145
2001
1-28
Web
8 Feb. 2013
William Pickens
“Racial Segregation”
Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life
December, 1927
364-367
Web.
8 Feb. 2013
28. Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in
Print
Cite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would a
scholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide the
medium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.
Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):
pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
Hughes, Langston.
Passing (the poem)
Phylon
Vol. 11
Issue 1
(1950)
15
Web
30. “I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything
grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.13
0 This stood out to me because I think that people should be
able to be whoever they want and not have to worry about
being judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no map to how
a kid should act, everyone is different. Parents are suppose to
not worry about what you enjoy doing, or your preferences,
they are just suppose to love you unconditionally. Kids
should not have to change or try their hardest to please and
impress there parents or family, it should just happen, with
whatever they choose to be doing. Everyone has the right to
be whoever they want, no one should scare them into taking
that away. Everyone is unique in there own ways.
31. "Crow, are you a boy or a girl?"
"Caw, Caw!" (17).
0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the
character goes through just because he/she is
different. Difference is not coped with well in society
so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it
because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we
are doing the person who is being treated badly. The
character never had the courage to stand up to the
people that kept asking him/her the question which I
wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more
confident about who he/she is.
32. “Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get worse I noticed my breasts were
growing. Menstruation didn’t bother me. Unless I bled all over myself it
was a private thing between me and my body. But breast! Boys hung out
of car windows and yelled vulgar things at me.[....]I liked my body before
puberty. Somehow I thought it would never change, not like this!” (23)
0 These lines stood out because it reminded of myself the way she
was feeling at that moment. Its like something I experience the
feeling of being uncomfortable with my own body. I was barely
entering high school. I remember that physical education was
required to be taken for two years. I was totally different back
then than what i am now. I was super shy not very social-able.
Back then I also hated that I had too. The thought of my own body
changing before my eyes. Especially when in class we had to run,
jump I felt so uncomfortable . Every boy staring and even men as
well. I would try to cover myself with large sweaters or shirts. But
I knew that there was nothing that I could do. As of today I can’t
really change anything and i still hate the fact that i keep getting
compliments about their size or how big they are.
33. “Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I
finally began to agree they were right” (23)
There is a lot of hurt behind these
words. This is more than just admitting
someone was hurting them, this was
her accepting what society thought
and said about her. This was
acceptance of the fact that society
perceived her behavior and feelings as
“wrong.”
This quote just goes to show how
much power societal pressures have
over us, even our perception of
ourselves. It’s striking… and a little
scary.
I felt sentimental as I
read this because been
different doesn’t make
us inferior, it simply
means we are
distinguishable, and
unique.
34. “Part of the nightmare was that it all seemed so matter of fact. I couldn’t
make it stop, I couldn’t escape it, and so I pretended it wasn’t happening.
I looked at the sky, at how pale and placid it was. I imagined it was the
ocean and the clouds were white-capped waves.” (Feinberg, 41)
0 This passage is being said while she is being raped by her
classmates. I found this passage significant because it is
heartbreaking what those guys did to her. Additionally, that
passage shows how powerless she is in this incident. I
think that a person may have their opinions about others
but to do such a degrading act is extremely inhumane. This
type of event definitely marks a person for life and many
times that person can never fully recover from it. While I
was reading this scene, it reminded me of the French
movie, Irréversible, I saw a couple of years ago. The film is
about two men who want revenge for the rape a girlfriend.
It reminded me of this because both talk about this matter.
Rape is a very sensible topic that is not discussed in
society; so watching and reading about it is very profound.
35. “I didn’t know what else to write. They could find me at my
job if they wanted to, but there was a chance that they’d be
as happy to be rid of me as I’d be relieved to be gone”(47) .
0 Thee lines stood out to me because it is really
sad Jess does not feel happy or safe in her own
home, which is suppose to the place you feel
the safest being at home and being with your
family. It is also really sad that her parents
made no effort to look for her or help her
change her mind.
36. “Then I felt her body move closer and we kind of melted together. I
discovered all the sweet surprises a femme can give a butch: her hand on the
back of my neck, open on my shoulder, or balled up like a fist. The feel of her
belly and thighs against mine. Her lips almost touching my ear [. . .] I felt her
pain, she knew mine. I felt her desire, she aroused mine” (33-34).
0 Jess describes her first dance with another woman in the book. Before this
event, Jess had gone on a terrible date with Monique. This quote stood out
to me because it is the first real connection that Jess establishes with
another girl. It is an innocent act compared to her past experience with
Monique. Her “rite of passage” moment that displayed her sexy side. In a
room full of older butches and femmes, this was her proving point to all of
them. That she could be just as sexy as they are. I think that we have all
experienced this “looking for acceptance” moment and finally receiving it.
I have seen this in my current job, where I was once the newbie who was
afraid and oblivious to everything. Flash forward a few months later and I
know mostly everything. This was Jess’ moment of acceptance. In a
situation where she felt alone, this next quotation shows how
understanding Yvette (her dance partner) had been. It is always a nice
feeling knowing that someone out there understands you.
37. “They cuffed my hands so tight behind my back I almost cried out. Then
the cop unzipped his pants real slow, with a smirk on his face, and
ordered me on my knees. First I thought to myself, I can’t! Then I said
out loud to myself and to you and to him, ‘I won’t’ “ (10)
0 Jess describes a night she had with Theresa. They were alone in a
strange tuff at that night, waiting for their friends, who never showed up.
Then, the cops came in and started targeting at Jess and Theresa for no
reason as usual. However, this time is different, Jess was alone, she did
not have anyone to back her up, or tell her it’s alright. Suddenly, Jess was
so vulnerable and weak, and she knew exactly what was going to happen
to her. She did not fight back because she was cuffed and she knew that
if she fought back, everyone in the bar would be beaten. The thing that
stood out to me the most is Jess’s attitude after the incident. She was not
even mad, and something inside her was changed. She accepted the fact
and lived with it, “ I learned the difference between what I can’t do and
what I refuse to do.” Jess did not tell what happen to her in the cell that
night. But we all know that it was so traumatized that there was nothing
she could do but to accepted it.
38. “Either eat me or eat my shit,
bulldagger. It’s up to you” (109)
0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a
mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get
past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way
she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a
reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to
tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily
basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that
went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and
femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual
orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as
broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect
for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt,
and relentlessly she fought.
39. “Deep down, my insides seethed. I knew I was stone, too. It was a home
alarm system that didn’t seem to have an on-off switch. Once installed,
the sirens went off and the gates shut, even if the intruder was loving”
(94)
0 These lines in the book spoke very strongly to me. From them, you
realize just how much psychological damage that Jess has taken from
the repeated gang rapes and the beatings. Any one of the events that
Jess suffered before the age of sixteen would have had a significant
effect on her still developing personality. Just one on these events
could have caused her to shut down all attempts by others to reach
her on a personal level. The fact that Jess, while damaged, still goes
on to form personal attachments, and to form romantic relationships
is a testament to how strong a person she is inside. Jess also has the
examples from the older butches who have suffered through the
same exact types of abuse, to draw on. While the other butches
rarely talk about the abuse they have suffered, the fact that someone
else really does understand what you have been through can be an
enormous help in getting through it yourself. I believe that Jess
recognizing she has scars is what allows her to continue reaching
out to others.
40. “Only you could melt this stone.”
0 This line stands on its own, in or out of context it has a very powerful
meaning behind it. The actual act of melting a stone takes the most
powerful forces to even chip away at stone and to melt it away takes
more years than most people can keep track of. This line makes me
think of sea water wearing away at a rock along the shore, working
for decades only to barely make a dent in the size of the object. The
way this line is written, however, indicates a faster change, a change
that can be watched. Only a very powerful person could do something
that remarkable to someone who is seemingly so very hardened to
the core. In context this line represents a connection so powerful that
the person that she is writing to is the only person on the entire
planet that truly knows her. In addition this person holds so much
power over her, she is the only person that can make her vulnerable.
For a person that hardened this would be something that would be
extremely difficult to do. Out of context this line means that there is
only one important person in someone’s life, only one person can see
the true colors of the other person. Only one person can break down
all the walls that were built around the others heart.
41. “I went to the window and looked out over the mounds of
snow, wishing I could do everything in my life once as
practice and then go back and do it again.”(102)
0 Jess said this after Duffy gave her the present he got for her. This
text in the book stood out to me because she felt guilty leaving
the plant for a different job after everything she fought for there.
She also might have felt proud of the reputation she had
established there. Also, I think she senses a reoccurring theme in
her life. Every time she makes a mistake she always wishes she
could take it back. For example, she didn’t know what to do when
Duffy asked her to step aside and give her promotion to Leroy.
She said she regretted it later and did it because she thought it
was the right thing to do. This specific quotation is indicative that
Jess is uncertain of herself despite what she expresses outward.
The author depicts Jess a certain way but this quote at the same
time reminds us that Jess doesn’t know how to live the life she
has been forced into.
42. “”You know”, Duffy added, “I don’t think I really realized how hard it is for you. I
know what jerks the guys at work can be sometimes.”……..”But when I went to the
hospital with you, I saw how they treated you, how they talked about you,” he
rubbed his face. When he looked back at me, I saw tears in his eyes. “ I felt so
helpless you know? I kept yelling at them that you were a human being that you
mattered, and it was like they weren’t listening to me.”” (Feinberg 93)
0 This post really stood out for me. Why? It was sad; it is
unbelievable how people are so cruel and selfish. Duffy was right,
Jess was a human being like everyone else, but the doctors didn’t
help Jess just because of the appearance. And was a butch. I liked
how Duffy stood up for Jess, it was brave and a show of
friendship towards Jess. Also how he cried while he was saying it
was touching. I believe that everyone deserves the right as
everyone else; we all should have equal rights. This as many
other parts was sad.
43. “ I drifted in and out of consciousness. I remember Theresa propping me
up against a brick wall in the precinct parking lot and assessing the
damage with her eyes. she chewed her lower lip and fingered the bloody
places on my shirt. ‘I'll never get these stains out.’ ‘Indirect messages cut
through my fog much more clearly than direct ones.’” (136)
I believe that what Theresa and Jess
understood clearly is the damage of that night
inside them is something they are not going
to forget for the rest of their lives. the small
cuts and the blood is going to be cured in a
week or two but that night left Jess a big scare
inside that is never going to be cured. I like
these lines because deep inside us we can not
explain everything or talk about everything
we have been through sometimes, but still we
can have our beloved make us feel better by
showing us that they understand us and how
we feel without reminding us of what hurts us
and without opening our ugly scars.
These lines stood out to me the
most since i have never
experienced a beating like this.
And the beating was caused
just because she was a lesbian
is shocking. What homosexual
men and women went through
before people were more
accepting is terrible. I am glad
that people have wised up to
this and now this is punishable
under hate crime laws.
44. “I shrugged. ‘I’m twenty-one today and I
feel old’” (140).
0 This quote stood out to me beyond all others because of
some preconceptions I had. I had assumed more time
had passed between her talks of high school and this
birthday party. When she moved onto talking about her
fights in the union and all the time spent in the bar, I
assumed she had skipped forward in her life story a bit
and was in her mid-twenties. Being twenty-two myself,
the fact that she had undergone all of those beatings and
overall stresses of her life before reaching twenty-one
puts the earlier part of the story in perspective for me.
45. “All my life I didn’t want to feel different. But in the dream I
liked it and I was with other people who were different”
(143).
0 Jess describes a dream she had with Theresa. In the dream, Jess is in a
bar out in the woods with the other drag queens. She tells Theresa she
doesn’t want to be different from other people; she wants to fit in and
she feels like she does. For most of my life I have felt different from
people, because I have a learning disability. I can’t learn new material
as quickly as most people can. I tried taking statistics but had to drop
the class simply because I wasn’t learning the material fast enough.
Whenever I hear someone say, “I got an A in statistics” I think, “Why
can’t I do that?” I’ve wanted to go into astronomy for quite a while but
I’m having second thoughts because of all the math involved. I feel
disadvantaged because I’m not sure if I can learn all the math.
However, I felt very much at home when I was in high school. Every
student there had a disability of some type. It made me feel as if I
wasn’t alone in the world.
46. In-Class Writing
0 Explore a moment when Jess
intentionally passes. How does
this experience change who ze
is? How do you know?
0 Choose one when ze
unintentionally passes. Does
this affect hir in the same way?
How do you know?
47. HOMEWORK
Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our next class
(feel free to submit early) by emailing a copy saved in MS Word to
palmoreessaysubmission@gmail.com. Please save your essay as your
last name and the number 2. Example: Palmore 2
Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End).
Post #16: Best paragraph from essay #2
Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in
various ways throughout the novel. Explore an
experience Jess has with a medical professional.
Does her gender identity influence the treatment
she receives or doesn’t receive? Or explore a
moment when Jess passes. How does this
experience change who ze is? How do you know?
Include a quotation with your discussion.
Studying: Terms
