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WordinessA sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence containsonly the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.
Deadwood0Wordy: There were manyfactors that influenced hisdecision to become a teacher.0Concise: Many factorsinfluenced his decision tobecome a teacher.Unnecessary phrases thattake up space and addnothing to meaning.ExamplesHint: omit the filler phrases"it is," "there is," and "thereare" at the beginning ofsentences; these often delaythe sentences true subjectand verb.
0 Wordy: They played a softball game thatwas exhausting.0 Concise: They played an exhaustingsoftball game.0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgradecomputer systems.0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems isexpensive.
Some familiar expressions that areDeadwood0There is/There are0I feel0I think0It seems to me0All things considered0Without a doubt0It is important to note0In my opinion0The reason why0In conclusion
Examples of Utility Words toEliminate or ReplaceVague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree0 Thing (something,anything, everything)0 Situation0 Kind0 Type0 Aspect0 Sort0 Area0Basically0Very0Definitely0Quite
Omit "which" or "that” whenpossible.0Wordy: Because the fluid, which wasbrown and poisonous, was dumped intothe river, the company that wasnegligent had to shut down.0Concise: Because the brown, poisonousfluid was dumped into the river, thenegligent company had to shut down.
Miscellaneous Questions0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?0 Is the page length within assigned limits?0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?0 Does the Header follow the assignment guidelines?0 Is the professors name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore0 Is your name spelled correctly?0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title inthe appropriate location?0 Have you italicized book and movie titles and put stories,articles, and poems in quotation marks.
Writing Tips0Write about literature in present tense0Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and“anything.”0Avoid writing in second person.0Avoid using contractions.0Cut Wordy Sentences0Fix run-on sentences0Check for misused words0Put commas and periods inside quotation marks
A Work in an Anthology,Reference, or Collection0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection oranthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for thissort of citation is as follows:0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection.Ed. Editors Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year.Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.0 Example:0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." ATutors Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth.Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.
Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date of originalpublication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City of Publication:Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.A Work in a Collection or AnthologyToni Morrison“Recitatif”Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of AfricanAmerican WomenPublisher: MorrowEdition: 1983Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina BarakaPlace Published: New YorkPages 243-260PrintLangston Hughes“Passing”The Ways of White FolksNew YorkVintage 1990 1934No Editor in this casePages 51-55Print
Recorded Films or MoviesList films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and therelease year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use theabbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate mediumof publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah JessicaParker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.The Human StainDirected by Robert BentonPerformers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman,Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.Distributor: MiramaxRelease Year: 2003Medium: DVD
An Article in a Scholarly Journal0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume.Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.0 Example:Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: TheVoice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devis BashaiTudu." Tulsa Studies in Womens Literature 15.1(1996): 41-50. Print.
Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would ascholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide themedium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to theBiological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases6.6 (2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.Randall Kennedy“Racial Passing”Ohio State Law JournalVolume 62Issue 114520011-28Web8 Feb. 2013William Pickens“Racial Segregation”Opportunity: Journal of Negro LifeDecember, 1927364-367Web.8 Feb. 2013
Hughes, Langston.Passing (the poem)PhylonVol. 11Issue 1(1950)15WebArticle in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears inPrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would ascholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide themedium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved.
“I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everythinggrownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.130 This stood out to me because I think that people should beable to be whoever they want and not have to worry aboutbeing judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no map to howa kid should act, everyone is different. Parents are suppose tonot worry about what you enjoy doing, or your preferences,they are just suppose to love you unconditionally. Kidsshould not have to change or try their hardest to please andimpress there parents or family, it should just happen, withwhatever they choose to be doing. Everyone has the right tobe whoever they want, no one should scare them into takingthat away. Everyone is unique in there own ways.
"Crow, are you a boy or a girl?""Caw, Caw!" (17).0 The quote shows what horrible treatment thecharacter goes through just because he/she isdifferent. Difference is not coped with well in societyso in order for us to digest it, people make fun of itbecause they feel insecure. We do not realize what weare doing the person who is being treated badly. Thecharacter never had the courage to stand up to thepeople that kept asking him/her the question which Iwish he/she did so that he/she would feel moreconfident about who he/she is.
“Just when it seemed like it couldn’t get worse I noticed my breasts weregrowing. Menstruation didn’t bother me. Unless I bled all over myself itwas a private thing between me and my body. But breast! Boys hung outof car windows and yelled vulgar things at me.[....]I liked my body beforepuberty. Somehow I thought it would never change, not like this!” (23)0 These lines stood out because it reminded of myself the way shewas feeling at that moment. Its like something I experience thefeeling of being uncomfortable with my own body. I was barelyentering high school. I remember that physical education wasrequired to be taken for two years. I was totally different backthen than what i am now. I was super shy not very social-able.Back then I also hated that I had too. The thought of my own bodychanging before my eyes. Especially when in class we had to run,jump I felt so uncomfortable . Every boy staring and even men aswell. I would try to cover myself with large sweaters or shirts. ButI knew that there was nothing that I could do. As of today I can’treally change anything and i still hate the fact that i keep gettingcompliments about their size or how big they are.
There is a lot of hurt behind thesewords. This is more than just admittingsomeone was hurting them, this washer accepting what society thoughtand said about her. This wasacceptance of the fact that societyperceived her behavior and feelings as“wrong.”This quote just goes to show howmuch power societal pressures haveover us, even our perception ofourselves. It’s striking… and a littlescary.“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, Ifinally began to agree they were right” (23)I felt sentimental as Iread this because beendifferent doesn’t makeus inferior, it simplymeans we aredistinguishable, andunique.
“I learned to fear the cops as a mortal enemy and tohate the pimps who controlled the lives of so manyof women we loved.”(pg 29)0 The police were supposed to be the protector of civiliansfrom any kind of violence not causing one. I’m not sure if Ican be that strong to be misunderstood by my family, thesociety and nevertheless mistreated by the people inuniforms who swore to protect us. The author is learningall the steps to stay strong in spite of being constantlyharassed by the police. She learns to fear the cops becauseshe knows that confronting them would just mean askingfor more trouble. The author was lucky to be taken underthe wing of Al and Jacqueline. Girls who ran away fromtheir house to live their life freely and be able to expresstheir identity were most prone to be taken advantage off bythe low life pimps in the streets.
“I was alone on the field. The coach stood a distance away from me,staring; I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on myskirt and blood and slimy stuff running down my legs. “get out ofhere, you little whore,” Coach Moriarty ordered” (41).Jess encountered her first time being rape at school grounds. In so manylevels I felt this was wrong because of the fact that it was on schoolgrounds when she got raped. It is shocking to the extent the footballplayers went with jess. It just makes me think how messed up and blindpeople where at this time to think their actions is ok. Not one of thefootball players stood up and said it was wrong. I was upset at the factthat it is a good chance that the coach watched the incident and was justcompletely in hatred of what she stood for. I couldn’t believe he had theaudacity to call her a whore after what just had happened to her. It wasalso interesting in the aftermath of the situations on how she didn’tbother mention to anyone of what occurred in the field.
“When you do something out of conviction, my dear, it should bebecause you believe it’s the right thing to do. If you look for approvalfrom everyone, you’ll never be able to act.” (45)0 In this situation, Jess asked herteacher if what she had done (sitting with her black friend inthe cafeteria when blacks andwhites sat separately) waswrong. Her teacher explained toher that she should stand up forwhat she believes in, even ifeveryone doesn’t agree with herbeliefs. Jess won’t be able to geteveryone’s approval becausewe’re all entitled to our ownbeliefs and opinions. If Jess wantsto make a difference, she just hasto fight for her beliefs, despitewhat others think because that ishow she will be able to make adifference in the world.I like this quote a lot only because itreally relate to what I am goingthrough at this moment in my life. Iwas looking for approval from my in-laws and I was so unhappy. Mymother in-law is overbearing. NothingI do is correct to her and I try to seekfor her approval but it never happensfor two years. I finally got to a point ofdepression. Then I realize that I wasunconsciously passing. I am onlygoing to focus on the important thingsin my life and the one that I cancontrol. The moment that I decidednot to seek my in-laws approval I feltfree. It’s a challenge but I am makingprogress.
“Karla looked concerned. ‘Are you sure?’ I nodded, feelingthe last brick of the wall go up inside of me that might nevercome down again” (47).0 This quote stood out to me because everyone hadexperiences the down side of life and when unhappyevents occur we protect ourselves by building a wall. I hadbuilt walls against other people that I cannot take it downno matter how hard I try to forgive and forget I cannot.Especially after Jesse is rape by the football players, six ofseven guys, at her school. She had really no one to talk toand the only one that is willing to listen is a Karla and sheis African American [which poses a different problem forJesse].
“I didn’t know what else to write. They could find me at myjob if they wanted to, but there was a chance that they’d beas happy to be rid of me as I’d be relieved to be gone”(47) .0Thee lines stood out to me because it is reallysad Jess does not feel happy or safe in her ownhome, which is suppose to the place you feelthe safest being at home and being with yourfamily. It is also really sad that her parentsmade no effort to look for her or help herchange her mind.
“That’s when I knew sex was very powerful” (70)0 This quote meant a lot to me because not only does Jessrealize how sex can be powerful in a good way but also ina bad way. The amount of times that her and her friendshave had to endure being raped over and over again, andfinding a way to survive each time .Sex can so easily beabused, and as Jess becomes more and more clear abouthow being who she is can be so dangerous. It is sad howmany times the policemen have abuse her and her friendsand I can’t even image being in her position and realizingthese facts at such a young age.
“Either eat me or eat my shit,bulldagger. It’s up to you.”0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being amere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t getpast. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the wayshe was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such areaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me totears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a dailybasis it made me burn with hatred for these cops thatwent specifically out of their way to terrorize butches andfemmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexualorientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, asbroken as she was for a long time, gave me great respectfor jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt,and relentlessly she fought.
“I felt so helpless, you know? I kept yelling at them that you were a human being,that you mattered, and it was like they weren’t even listening to me. I couldn’t doanything to help you and I couldn’t make them take care of you the way I wanted,you know?” (93)0 Duffy tells Jess how difficult it was to get help for her in thehospital. In this moment, Duffy catches a glimpse of how difficultlife is for Jess and other butch lesbians. Duffy wasn’tunsympathetic because he didn’t care for Jess, he was justignorant of the degree of prejudice Jess and other butch lesbianshad to face. This part of the book stood out to me because itmade me realize that I, too, was a victim of my own ignorance. Iam sure that I have treated others unfairly or badly and not fullyunderstood their situation or what they had to go through. I hopethat I can rid myself of this ignorance. If not that, then at least I’lltry to treat others without prejudice.
“ I drifted in and out of consciousness. I remember Theresa propping meup against a brick wall in the precinct parking lot and assessing thedamage with her eyes. she chewed her lower lip and fingered the bloodyplaces on my shirt. ‘Ill never get these stains out.’ ‘Indirect messages cutthrough my fog much more clearly than direct ones.’” (136)I believe that what Theresa and Jessunderstood clearly is the damage of that nightinside them is something they are not goingto forget for the rest of their lives. the smallcuts and the blood is going to be cured in aweek or two but that night left Jess a big scareinside that is never going to be cured. I likethese lines because deep inside us we can notexplain everything or talk about everythingwe have been through sometimes, but still wecan have our beloved make us feel better byshowing us that they understand us and howwe feel without reminding us of what hurts usand without opening our ugly scars.These lines stood out to me themost since i have neverexperienced a beating like this.And the beating was causedjust because she was a lesbianis shocking. What homosexualmen and women went throughbefore people were moreaccepting is terrible. I am gladthat people have wised up tothis and now this is punishableunder hate crime laws.
“I shrugged. ‘I’m twenty-one today and Ifeel old’” (140).0 This quote stood out to me beyond all others because ofsome preconceptions I had. I had assumed more timehad passed between her talks of high school and thisbirthday party. When she moved onto talking about herfights in the union and all the time spent in the bar, Iassumed she had skipped forward in her life story a bitand was in her mid-twenties. Being twenty-two myself,the fact that she had undergone all of those beatings andoverall stresses of her life before reaching twenty-oneputs the earlier part of the story in perspective for me.
“That’s the girl eagle.”“How do you know?” she asked.“Because the girls are bigger than the boys” (165).0 In human nature, men are generally larger andstronger than women. However, for eagles, thefemales are “bigger than the boys”. Feinberg includesthis passage in the book probably to symbolize Jess’swish for human women to be stronger than men. Jessconstantly tries to act and look like a man becausethat’s what she feels most comfortable in. If girls weretruly “bigger than the boys” to start with, then shemost likely would be comfortable in her own body.
“My voice cracked like a teenage boys and then dropped abit deeper as I read. The hormones were beginning to work.Kim stared at me. Her face was still and sad. “I’m nevergoing to see you again am i?” She asked.”(page 169)0 These lines stood out to me because it showed me theintelligence of innocence showed through Kim’sunderstanding of the situation. Even though Kim is still a childshe is able to avoid many societal constructs as her innocenceis still firmly planted in her. She senses that jess is changingand knows that she will rarely see her from then on. This isalso the point where Jess knows there is no turning back andthat she does not know where she is heading in life. It was avery powerful passage to read that began the passing of jess.
“At first everything was fun. The world stopped feeling like agauntlet I had to run through. But very quickly I discovered thatpassing didn’t mean just slipping below the surface, it meant beingburied alive. I was still me on the inside, trapped in there with allmy wounds and fears. But I was no longer me on the outside” (173).0 This quotation basically summarizes what passing does to aperson, as it may shield you on the outside, but everything ona personal level is kept inside of you. Jess feels safe when shepasses as a man because now, she is seen to be lessvulnerable in public and can be treated equally as a manwithout having people question her gender. Jess realizes thatshe is no longer her butch self on the outside, but passingallows her to still be who she is on the inside.
“Gloria recognized me just a moment before I saw her. Her jaw dropped.She grabbed Kim and Scotty by their hands and tried to drag them away.Scotty got scared and cried. Kim called my name. “Jess! It’s Jess!”…Kimbroke loose and ran toward me at full speed. I lifted her into my armsand hugged her tightly. “Do you still love me?” she whispered. I kissedher nose. “More than ever” (Feinberg 174).0 This quote stood out to me purely because of themixture of raw emotion. Disgust, love, confusion, fear–it was all shown– uncensored. Even though Kimknows that Jess has obviously “become a man,” shestill loves Jess for Jess. Kim had no doubts when sheran at Jess into their embrace, even though hermother had said some negative words beforehand. Itwas an emotional scene which showed that love hasno bounds.
“In a world with any justice I would have poured out my lifestory to him. I would have given him back in kind the trusthe’d shown to me. But I was afraid and so I betrayed him”(Feinberg 185).0 This quotation stood out to me because I felt Jess’svulnerability when Ben had poured out his story to her. Bytelling his story, Ben trusted Jess to break out of her shellas well and relate to his past experiences. I felt that Jesswas not ready to open up about herself in front of people,due to the traumatic experiences she faced. She was fearfulof being exposed and wanted to protect herself frombecoming distressed and in danger. Jess was hesitant totrust Ben because men had mistreated her throughout herwhole life. Thus, Jess lied to Ben in order to prevent herselffrom becoming hurt.
“‘i’m not dangerous’ I promised. ‘I’mcomplicated, but i’m not dangerous’” (189).0 This line occurs when Jess is on a date with Annie. Poor Annie hashad trouble with guys in the past and Jess just wants to help her.Later on, Jess seduces her and does so while pretending to be a guy.This line stood out to me because it showed how much Jess wanted totell her that she wasn’t a guy. At the same time, she knew if she hadsaid something, the chance of them having a relationship would begone. It would also be possible that Annie would be so hurt she couldtell all of Jess’s co workers that she’s a girl when she is trying so hardto pass as a guy. This would ruin everything and she would probablyhave to move in order to start anew. These lines left me on the edgebecause, as a reader, I know Jess and her secret and Annie is clueless.I wonder how/when Annie will find out that Jess is a girl and howthat will change their relationship.
“You don’t fuck like some other guys, either.” I rolled over on my stomachprotectively. She massaged my shoulders. “I mean, you take your time,you know. It’s like you got a brain in your dick instead of a dick for abrain, you know?” (193)0 After reading how Annie felt about “fags,” these linescaught my attention even more. I began to wonderwhat might have happened if something went wrongduring sex that would have revealed Jesse’s secret.How would Annie have reacted? Would she feeldisgusted, angry, or betrayed perhaps? If Jesse madeAnnie feel so good, why would she feel any of theabove due to the fact that she is not a “real” man.Perhaps Jesse is whom Annie and Kathy need in theirlives rather than a “real” man.
“If I’m not with a butch everyone just assumes I’m straight.It’s like I’m passing too, against my will. I’m sick of the worldthinking I’m straight. I’ve worked hard to be discriminatedagainst as a lesbian.”0 This quote stood out to me in its mentioning of passing, aprevalent theme that we’ve been looking into. It strikes me asinteresting as how she chooses not to pass, even though it woulddeter others from discriminating against her. Instead, sheembraces who she is as an individual and proudly expresses thatshe is a lesbian. Her character is very admirable, choosing tosuffer the ridicule and discrimination of a non-accepting societyto maintain one of her most fundamental characteristics. Shegoes so far as to claim that she puts effort into reinforcing acontroversial characteristic and be discriminated against. Shehad never intended to take an easy road, but instead takes theone that she sees to have the greater reward, but at a muchhigher toll. It is little wonder as how Feinberg has become one ofthe most influential figures in LGBT activism.
“Surrender was unimaginably more dangerous thanstruggling for survival”0 This quote stood out to me for 2 things ; it hit pretty close tohome and how the quote represents surrendering into thesocial norms could be more dangerous rather than not goingwith the social norm and being who one wants to be(rebelling against society ; being unique) It hits close to homebecause back then in school I would be stereotyped as thesmart Asian kid in math but really i was failing so hard thatthe school had to put me into remedial math due to me notgetting the work or not wanting to do it . I would beconsidered the smart kid and would try my best to keep agood grade in math with what ever it takes (cheating andcopying homework) to make sure that I would stay in thatclass for social status and the face of my family . If I were togive in and said that I didn’t get the work in that class I wouldbe mocked for being stupid and looked down upon by myfamily for not being able to keep up with studies in school .
In-Class Writing0 Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes.How does this experience change who ze is? How doyou know?0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does thisaffect hir in the same way? How do you know?
HOMEWORK0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our next classby emailing a copy saved in MS word to firstname.lastname@example.org Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End).0 Post #16: Pass0 Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various waysthroughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has with a medicalprofessional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment shereceives or doesn’t receive? Or explore a moment when Jess passes.How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?Include a quotation with your discussion.0 Studying: Terms