WordinessA sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.
Nonessential Word Categories:0 Deadwood0 Utility Words0 Circumlocution
Deadwood ExamplesUnnecessary phrases thattake up space and addnothing to meaning. 0 Wordy: There were many factors that influenced his decision to become a teacher.Hint: omit the filler phrases"it is," "there is," and "there 0 Concise: Many factorsare" at the beginning ofsentences; these often delay influenced his decision tothe sentences true subject become a teacher.and verb.
0 Wordy: They played a softball game that was exhausting.0 Concise: They played an exhausting softball game.0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade computer systems.0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is expensive.
Some familiar expressions that are Deadwood0 There is/There are0 I feel0 I think0 It seems to me0 All things considered0 Without a doubt0 It is important to note0 In my opinion0 The reason why0 In conclusion
Examples of Utility Words to Eliminate or Replace Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree0 Thing (something, 0 Basically anything, everything) 0 Very0 Situation 0 Definitely0 Kind0 Type 0 Quite0 Aspect0 Sort0 Area
Circumlocution0 Problem: Taking a roundabout way to say something (using ten words when five will do) is called Circumlocution.0 Remedy: Instead of using complicated phrases and rambling constructions, use concrete, specific words and phrases and come right to the point.
Omit "which" or "that” when possible.0Wordy: Because the fluid, which was brown and poisonous, was dumped into the river, the company that was negligent had to shut down.0Concise: Because the brown, poisonous fluid was dumped into the river, the negligent company had to shut down.
Miscellaneous Questions0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?0 Is the page length within assigned limits?0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?0 Does the Header or Footer follow the assignment guidelines?0 Is the professors name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore0 Is your name spelled correctly?0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in the appropriate location?
Writing Tips0 Write about literature in present tense0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and “anything.”0 Avoid writing in second person.0 Avoid using contractions.0 Cut Wordy Sentences0 Fix run-on sentences0 Check for misused words
A Work in an Anthology, Reference, or Collection0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this sort of citation is as follows:0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. Ed. Editors Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.0 Example: 0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A Tutors Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth. Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.
A Work in a Collection or AnthologyLast name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date oforiginal publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City ofPublication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.Langston Hughes“Passing” Toni MorrisonThe Ways of White Folks “Recitatif”New York Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of AfricanVintage 1990 1934 American WomenNo Editor in this case Publisher: Morrow Edition: 1983Pages 51-55 Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina BarakaPrint Place Published: New York Pages 243-260 Print
Recorded Films or MoviesList films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and therelease year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use theabbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate mediumof publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah JessicaParker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.The Human StainDirected by Robert BentonPerformers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.Distributor: MiramaxRelease Year: 2003Medium: DVD
An Article in a Scholarly Journal0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume. Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.0 Example:Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devis Bashai Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Womens Literature 15.1 (1996): 41-50. Print.
Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would ascholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide themedium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to theBiological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases 6.6(2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved. Randall Kennedy William Pickens “Racial Passing” “Racial Segregation” Ohio State Law Journal Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life Volume 62 December, 1927 Issue 1145 364-367 2001 Web. 1-28 8 Feb. 2013 Web 8 Feb. 2013
Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears inPrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would ascholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide themedium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved. Hughes, Langston. Passing (the poem) Phylon Vol. 11 Issue 1 (1950) 15 Web
“I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.130 This stood out to me because I think that These lines bothered me people should be able to be whoever they because I can’t believe that want and not have to worry about being an adult would judge a judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no young person this way. I map to how a kid should act, everyone is don’t understand it because different. Parents are suppose to not worry this has never been a about what you enjoy doing, or your problem for me. What is sad preferences, they are just suppose to love is the fact that she just wants you unconditionally. Kids should not have to to please them but because change or try their hardest to please and she is different the deny her. impress there parents or family, it should I just felt like she shouldn’t just happen, with whatever they choose to be judged because the adults be doing. Everyone has the right to be at this time period were whoever they want, no one should scare ignorant. them into taking that away. Everyone is unique in there own ways.
“Only you could melt this stone. Are you ever coming back?” (end of 11) 0 Clearly not shocking or ground breaking quote at first glance, but its the context of the quote that i found most telling. This first chapter of the book is a really intense love note to Theresa, whom I assume is an ex lover given the past tense references. Anyways, reading it was really riveting i could tell there was some serious love involved between the two. For anyone who has loved fully, relied solely upon, was most comfortable with, embodied happiness within another person, you can really feel the heart break… its maybe one of the best accounts of that classic “good times” flashback you get when you lose the love of your life.
"Crow, are you a boy or a girl?" "Caw, Caw!" (17).0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the character goes through just because he/she is different. Difference is not coped with well in society so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we are doing the person who is being treated badly. The character never had the courage to stand up to the people that kept asking him/her the question which I wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more confident about who he/she is.
“Two huge men in white uniforms took me off the elevator. Myparents stayed on. Then the men turned and locked the gate, barringthe elevator. I reached for my parents, but they wouldn’t even look at me as the elevator door closed.”0 Jess is a young girl going through things and experiencing things that she did not know about, it is a part of life she was just growing up and realizing her true identity. The action that her parents took was terribly wrong, she did not have mental health problems and she could not be changed by putting girly dresses on her or makeup she is who she is and no one can change a person. Her parents should have sat down and talked to her and especially listened to her. While reading this and what happened to Jess i was really annoyed with he fact that these actions take place all the time. With parents who think they know best for their children, who think they know the right person thing or place for their children. Parents who don’t listen. What they do not realize is that the children are not them, they are their own person. Free to choose the life style they desire. I have seen kids try to open up to their parents about personal things and without listening to any reasoning, parents just lash out at the kid. Making the child a rebel and very hurt and ashamed to be themselves.
“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I finally began to agree they were right” (23)There is a lot of hurt behind these I felt sentimental as Iwords. This is more than just admitting read this because beensomeone was hurting them, this washer accepting what society thought different doesn’t makeand said about her. This was us inferior, it simplyacceptance of the fact that society means we areperceived her behavior and feelings as distinguishable, and“wrong.” unique.This quote just goes to show howmuch power societal pressures haveover us, even our perception ofourselves. It’s striking… and a littlescary.
“I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring.I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my skirt and bloodand slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get out of here, you little whore,’coach Moriarty ordered” (41).These lines from the novel truly repulsed me and disgusted me because of howgraphically Feinberg described the scene. To give some context, Jess, the butchlesbian had just been gang raped by six boys from the high school football team sheattends. She had also been beaten by them while they viciously assaulted herverbally. When the coach saw what was happening and blew his whistle, one wouldexpect that he had come to Jess’s aide. However, not only did he not help herwhatsoever, he even goes on to do the exact same as the boys who raped her andcall her a derogatory term. I found this to be horrifying and totally inappropriateeven considering that it was around the 1960’s. When part of the school staff doesnot even defend a student who was raped and beaten but goes on to call hernames, there is something wrong with the system. To hire a person who isprejudice and discriminatory defeats the purpose of going to school becauseschool should be a place of neutrality where a student can feel safe. Overall, thispart of the novel seemed wrong and immoral no matter how you spin it becausethere is absolutely no reason for someone to have to endure such an injustice.
” ‘You little slut,’ he whispered… ‘you are in a whole lot of trouble. What the hellwere you doing?’‘Nothing, Miss Moore. I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to talk to Karla.’She smiled at me. ‘Sometimes you don’t have to do anything wrong to be in hotwater.’ …He looked at her with an open hatred. I could see what a racist he was.” (43)0 This section of the book stood out to me most because it is when I realized that not only is she battling oppression in the form of sexual identity, she is also battling it through the color of one’s skin. I wasn’t able to quote many of the quotes and dialogue throughout the book but this stood out the most because the main character really didn’t do anything whatsoever. Reading this part of the book really made me emotionally angry and in disbelief that at some point in time, self-proclaimed “teachers, principals & faculty” would be so closed minded and ignorant when they are people in high standing and educators. These are people who spread ignorance and hatred with no substantial justification. This book was a constant shock and reminder to what it was back then and how appreciative of the time I live in now.
[Mrs. Noble] sat back in her chair. “When you do something out of conviction, my dear, it should be because you believe it’s the right thing to do. If you look for approval from everyone, you’ll never be able to act.” (45)0 In my life I’ve met people who did Mrs. Noble is completely right. things out of conviction because After reading this statement, i came they really believed it was the to a realization of my own right thing to do. And then I’ve experiences and how almost all of also known those who did things “out of conviction”, because it was my actions in life were done to seek the popular thing to do, or approval of others. They were done because they were looking for to seek approval from my sister, recognition. And I’ve always felt parents, cousins, managers, co- like the former, those who are workers, friends, and many others. doing something because they I know the difference between right truly know it to be the right thing, and wrong, and i do what i do are more successful at enacting because i believe it is the right the change they want, than those who are just doing something to thing to do, but seeking approval be popular or to check off a box along with it just makes things somewhere. seem a more right. Having expert approval makes all of our actions a bit more ethical.
“We learned fast that the cops always pulled the police van right up to the bar door and left snarling dogs inside so we couldn’t get out. We were trapped alright.” (pg 8 the letter)0 I know this is a pretty early passage but it really enlightened me to the story before I even got too in depth with the book. This passage opens the door to what kind of prejudice we can expect in this book. It also gives an opening first person view of exactly how helpless these people were. They couldn’t eve turn to the police to help them against the hate of the city. They were literally all alone.
“You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like aguy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up hershirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HEgrabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).0 This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of actions described in this book I would call inhumane. How could officers of the law, people who are to protect and server, able to treat someone like this? A giant violation of rights and body.
“Either eat me or eat my shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.”0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt, and relentlessly she fought.
” ‘You know’, Duffy added, ‘I don’t think I really realized how hard it is for you. Iknow what jerks the guys at work can be sometimes.’ he leaned up against the sink and folded his arms. ‘ But when i went to the hospital with you, I saw how they treated you, how they talked about you,’ he rubbed his face. When he looked back at me, I saw tears in his eyes. ‘I felt so helpless, you know? I kept yelling at themthat you were a human being, that you mattered, and it was like they weren’t even listening to me. I couldn’t do anything to help you and I couldn’t make them take care of you the way I wanted, you know?’ I nodded. I did know. And now I knew that Duffy did too.” (93)0 I really liked this quote because it sums up the sad majority of human nature; we’re so unused to the unknown that we’d reject and humiliate our own kind if they were “different”. it shows how little agency and power we hold against a made up mind. This quote depicts a certain kind of irony, that an “evil” communist could see the humanity within Jess and the other butches, yet others had rejected it. It was just so sad. Yet, it shows that someone DID recognize the pain and dehumanizing taunts of this world; it arises a kind of hope that there will be others who would come to understand the persecution of LGBTQ people.
“I felt like a nonperson, even Outlaws had more IDs than me”0 I never considered the need of an I.D. as a challenge for someone that has not broken the law. This was a shocking realization for me thinking of her being free since she was viewed as a man but not being able to do anything such as visit Canada or being pulled over by police, In these scenarios she is just as trapped as before. Only this time there are different challenges she faces. In these instances she may be more comfortable in her body but not really any better off otherwise.
“‘I’m scared, too,’ she continued. ‘If I’m not with a butch everyonejust assumes I’m straight. It’s like I’m passing too, against my will.I’m sick of the world thinking I’m straight. I’ve worked hard to be discriminated against as a lesbian’” (151)0 It never occurred to me that lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgender people wanted people to notice they weren’t straight. I assumed they wanted to keep it a secret since the gay friends I have have kept it secret from their family and even friends. I, myself, wouldn’t want people to know my sex status, let alone show it. But Theresa lives to show she’s a lesbian. She needs a butch to show the world she’s not straight, to be herself. I understand she doesn’t want to pass as something she’s not, but I don’t believe she needs to show it. If she wants to she can, but I don’t think she NEEDS to. Perhaps at that time she did, maybe they all had to show who they were to the world because they needed their approval. But what I’ve learned from experience is to hell with what people say and think; all that matters is what I, or the individual, think of themself. Theresa shouldn’t have had to feel that way about herself and people’s perception of her, none of them should have and it saddens me to know they had to go through hardships to prove themselves and survive.
“where am i going? I don’t quite know. Down the stream where the king-cups grow– Up on the hill where the pine-trees blow– Anywhere, anywhere I don’t know” (Feinberg 169)0 The mysteries of life never to be unraveled until life is lived in full. These words were strong; I am constantly finding myself in a struggle with a career choice. I ask myself everyday what major i should persue. A constant battle in my mind, then having to deal with everyday struggles, school, work, and relationships. Every ounce of energy used up and still unsure where life will take you. It is a rough ride “life,” and Jess has had the worst. I am glad Ze’s life has brightened up. Jess is a true roll model and inspiration to all, revered in every sense. Jess no doubt had not known she would be an activist in her life time, as i am sure many people before never know there true calling. Life is a great big puzzle, and when it is complete i hope i can leave this world in peace. People all know what they are but never know where they will end up. So I ask myself again and again where will I end up? Not only myself but what so loved ones? Friends? Family? I will stand tall, ” whatever tomorrow brings ill be there” from the hit song “Drive” by Incubus.
“At first everything was fun. The world stopped feeling like a gauntlet I had to run through. But very quickly I discovered thatpassing didn’t mean just slipping below the surface, it meant being buried alive. I was still me on the inside, trapped in there with allmy wounds and fears. But I was no longer me on the outside” (173). 0 This quotation basically summarizes what passing does to a person, as it may shield you on the outside, but everything on a personal level is kept inside of you. Jess feels safe when she passes as a man because now, she is seen to be less vulnerable in public and can be treated equally as a man without having people question her gender. Jess realizes that she is no longer her butch self on the outside, but passing allows her to still be who she is on the inside.
In-Class Writing0 Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?
HOMEWORK0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our next class by emailing a copy saved in MS word to firstname.lastname@example.org Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End).0 Post #16: Pass0 Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various ways throughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has with a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a quotation.0 Studying: Terms