WordinessA sentence is not concise simply because it is short; a concise sentence contains only the number of words necessary to achieve its effect or to make its point.
Nonessential Word Categories:0 Deadwood0 Utility Words0 Circumlocution
Deadwood ExamplesUnnecessary phrases thattake up space and addnothing to meaning. 0 Wordy: There were many factors that influenced his decision to become a teacher.Hint: omit the filler phrases"it is," "there is," and "there 0 Concise: Many factorsare" at the beginning ofsentences; these often delay influenced his decision tothe sentences true subject become a teacher.and verb.
0 Wordy: They played a softball game that was exhausting.0 Concise: They played an exhausting softball game.0 Wordy: It is expensive to upgrade computer systems.0 Concise: Upgrading computer systems is expensive.
Some familiar expressions that are Deadwood0 There is/There are0 I feel0 I think0 It seems to me0 All things considered0 Without a doubt0 It is important to note0 In my opinion0 The reason why0 In conclusion
Examples of Utility Words to Eliminate or Replace Vague Nouns Adverbs denoting degree0 Thing (something, 0 Basically anything, everything) 0 Very0 Situation 0 Definitely0 Kind0 Type 0 Quite0 Aspect0 Sort0 Area
Circumlocution0 Problem: Taking a roundabout way to say something (using ten words when five will do) is called Circumlocution.0 Remedy: Instead of using complicated phrases and rambling constructions, use concrete, specific words and phrases and come right to the point.
Omit "which" or "that” when possible.0 Wordy: Because the fluid, which was brown and poisonous, was dumped into the river, the company that was negligent had to shut down.0 Concise: Because the brown, poisonous fluid was dumped into the river, the negligent company had to shut down.
Miscellaneous Questions0 Does the paper follow MLA guidelines?0 Is the page length within assigned limits?0 Is the font type and size within the assigned guidelines?0 Does the Header or Footer follow the assignment guidelines?0 Is the professors name spelled correctly? Kim Palmore0 Is your name spelled correctly?0 Does the paper have a title? Is it a good title? Is the title in the appropriate location?
Writing Tips0 Write about literature in present tense0 Avoid using “thing,” “something,” “everything,” and “anything.”0 Avoid writing in second person.0 Avoid using contractions.0 Cut Wordy Sentences0 Fix run-on sentences0 Check for misused words
A Work in an Anthology, Reference, or Collection0 Works may include an essay in an edited collection or anthology, or a chapter of a book. The basic form is for this sort of citation is as follows:0 Last name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. Ed. Editors Name(s). City of Publication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.0 Example: 0 Harris, Muriel. "Talk to Me: Engaging Reluctant Writers." A Tutors Guide: Helping Writers One to One. Ed. Ben Rafoth. Portsmouth: Heinemann, 2000. 24-34. Print.
A Work in a Collection or AnthologyLast name, First name. "Title of Essay." Title of Collection. (Date oforiginal publication if applicable). Ed. Editor’s Name(s). City ofPublication: Publisher, Year. Page range of entry. Medium of Publication.Langston Hughes“Passing” Toni MorrisonThe Ways of White Folks “Recitatif”New York Source: Confirmation: An Anthology of AfricanVintage 1990 1934 American WomenNo Editor in this case Publisher: Morrow Edition: 1983Pages 51-55 Editors: Imamu Amiri Baraka & Amina BarakaPrint Place Published: New York Pages 243-260 Print
Recorded Films or MoviesList films by their title. Include the name of the director, the distributor, and therelease year. If relevant, list performer names after the director’s name. Use theabbreviation perf. to head the list. End the entry with the appropriate mediumof publication (e.g. DVD, VHS, Laser disc).Ed Wood. Dir. Tim Burton. Perf. Johnny Depp, Martin Landau, Sarah JessicaParker, Patricia Arquette. Touchstone, 1994. DVD.The Human StainDirected by Robert BentonPerformers: Anthony Hopkins, Nicole Kidman, Ed Harris, and Gary Sinise.Distributor: MiramaxRelease Year: 2003Medium: DVD
An Article in a Scholarly Journal0 Always provide issue numbers, when available.0 Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal Volume. Issue (Year): pages. Medium of publication.0 Example:Bagchi, Alaknanda. "Conflicting Nationalisms: The Voice of the Subaltern in Mahasweta Devis Bashai Tudu." Tulsa Studies in Womens Literature 15.1 (1996): 41-50. Print.
Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears in PrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would ascholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide themedium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.Wheelis, Mark. "Investigating Disease Outbreaks Under a Protocol to theBiological and Toxin Weapons Convention." Emerging Infectious Diseases 6.6(2000): 595-600. Web. 8 Feb. 2009.Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved. Randall Kennedy William Pickens “Racial Passing” “Racial Segregation” Ohio State Law Journal Opportunity: Journal of Negro Life Volume 62 December, 1927 Issue 1145 364-367 2001 Web. 1-28 8 Feb. 2013 Web 8 Feb. 2013
Article in an Online Scholarly Journal That Also Appears inPrintCite articles in online scholarly journals that also appear in print as you would ascholarly journal in print, including the page range of the article. Provide themedium of publication that you used (in this case, Web) and the date of access.Author(s). "Title of Article." Title of Journal. Volume. Issue (Year of publication):pages. Medium of publication. Date retrieved. Hughes, Langston. Passing (the poem) Phylon Vol. 11 Issue 1 (1950) 15 Web
“I didn’t want to be different. I longed to be everything grownups wanted, so they would love me.” ch.2 p.130 This stood out to me because I think that These lines bothered me people should be able to be whoever they because I can’t believe that want and not have to worry about being an adult would judge a judged and everyone’s opinion. There is no young person this way. I map to how a kid should act, everyone is don’t understand it because different. Parents are suppose to not worry this has never been a about what you enjoy doing, or your problem for me. What is sad preferences, they are just suppose to love is the fact that she just wants you unconditionally. Kids should not have to to please them but because change or try their hardest to please and she is different the deny her. impress there parents or family, it should I just felt like she shouldn’t just happen, with whatever they choose to be judged because the adults be doing. Everyone has the right to be at this time period were whoever they want, no one should scare ignorant. them into taking that away. Everyone is unique in there own ways.
"Crow, are you a boy or a girl?" "Caw, Caw!" (17).0 The quote shows what horrible treatment the character goes through just because he/she is different. Difference is not coped with well in society so in order for us to digest it, people make fun of it because they feel insecure. We do not realize what we are doing the person who is being treated badly. The character never had the courage to stand up to the people that kept asking him/her the question which I wish he/she did so that he/she would feel more confident about who he/she is.
“Whatever the world thought was wrong with me, I finally began to agree they were right” (23)There is a lot of hurt behind these I felt sentimental as Iwords. This is more than just admitting read this because beensomeone was hurting them, this washer accepting what society thought different doesn’t makeand said about her. This was us inferior, it simplyacceptance of the fact that society means we areperceived her behavior and feelings as distinguishable, and“wrong.” unique.This quote just goes to show howmuch power societal pressures haveover us, even our perception ofourselves. It’s striking… and a littlescary.
“I tried to read the words in a flat sing-song tone without feeling, so none of the kids would understand what his poem meant to me, but their eyes were already glazed over withboredom. I dropped my gaze and walked back to my seat. Mrs. Noble squeezed my arm as I passed, and when I looked up I saw she had tears in her eyes. The way she looked at me made me want to cry, too. It was as though she could really see me, and there was no criticism in her eyes.”0 This caught my attention because I felt bad for Jess, knowing how nerve racking it is trying to get up in front of your peers that may not know you very well, or that you have to convey that you like something or how you feel. There is the fear of what your peers will think about you as well as what that teacher is going to think. She knows she’s female but at the same time is a Butch and doesn’t really want the other students to know so she passes, but wants the teacher to not exclude her from class just because of her beliefs and not be judged by the teacher. I think she was pretty lucky in that the teacher saw Jess for who she really was and had the heart and totally did the unexpected . I thought it was kind of typical that the other students were bored and not paying attention and sometimes you learn things about yourself that you didn’t know, or associate more meaning with when things don’t go as you planned or you get a different reaction out of the teacher or professor than you planned. The pressure we get from others and the fear of being judged a certain way, drives us to decide what we decide to share and what we keep to ourselves.
“I was alone in the field. The coach stood a distance away from me, staring.I wobbled as I tried to stand. There were grass stains on my skirt and bloodand slimy stuff running down my legs. ‘Get out of here, you little whore,’coach Moriarty ordered” (41).These lines from the novel truly repulsed me and disgusted me because of howgraphically Feinberg described the scene. To give some context, Jess, the butchlesbian had just been gang raped by six boys from the high school football team sheattends. She had also been beaten by them while they viciously assaulted herverbally. When the coach saw what was happening and blew his whistle, one wouldexpect that he had come to Jess’s aide. However, not only did he not help herwhatsoever, he even goes on to do the exact same as the boys who raped her andcall her a derogatory term. I found this to be horrifying and totally inappropriateeven considering that it was around the 1960’s. When part of the school staff doesnot even defend a student who was raped and beaten but goes on to call hernames, there is something wrong with the system. To hire a person who isprejudice and discriminatory defeats the purpose of going to school becauseschool should be a place of neutrality where a student can feel safe. Overall, thispart of the novel seemed wrong and immoral no matter how you spin it becausethere is absolutely no reason for someone to have to endure such an injustice.
” ‘You little slut,’ he whispered… ‘you are in a whole lot of trouble. What the hellwere you doing?’‘Nothing, Miss Moore. I didn’t do anything. I was just trying to talk to Karla.’She smiled at me. ‘Sometimes you don’t have to do anything wrong to be in hotwater.’ …He looked at her with an open hatred. I could see what a racist he was.” (43)0 This section of the book stood out to me most because it is when I realized that not only is she battling oppression in the form of sexual identity, she is also battling it through the color of one’s skin. I wasn’t able to quote many of the quotes and dialogue throughout the book but this stood out the most because the main character really didn’t do anything whatsoever. Reading this part of the book really made me emotionally angry and in disbelief that at some point in time, self-proclaimed “teachers, principals & faculty” would be so closed minded and ignorant when they are people in high standing and educators. These are people who spread ignorance and hatred with no substantial justification. This book was a constant shock and reminder to what it was back then and how appreciative of the time I live in now.
“For the first time I might have found mypeople. I just didn’t know how to penetrate this society.”0 This showed me how out of place she was and how she kept digging to find a place to fit in, but when she did she didn’t know how to interact with them, she just seemed socially damaged.
“When I came into the bar in drag, kind of hunched over they told me,‘Be proud of what you are,’ and then they adjusted my tie sort of like you did” (Feinberg 7).0 Although these few lines were presented in the very beginning of the novel, I believe that it stood out the most because, so far, reading the story it teaches the reader that being of a different sexual orientation may have its disadvantages, but it is who you are and it should not matter what other people think of you. Also, I believe that this quote stood out to me because I have a cousin who is lesbian and although our family members think it is “not normal” to be gay, her cousins including me have always told her to be proud of who you are because the person you are is what God created; He made no mistakes, whatsoever. Lastly, this quote can teach others to be proud of the person they are as whole because each person is different in his or her way. In other words, each person is unique and he or she should be proud of that.
“We learned fast that the cops always pulled the police van right up to the bar door and left snarling dogs inside so we couldn’t get out. We were trapped alright.” (pg 8 the letter)0 I know this is a pretty early passage but it really enlightened me to the story before I even got too in depth with the book. This passage opens the door to what kind of prejudice we can expect in this book. It also gives an opening first person view of exactly how helpless these people were. They couldn’t eve turn to the police to help them against the hate of the city. They were literally all alone.
“You think you’re a guy huh? you think you can take it like aguy? We’ll see. what’s these? her said. He yanked up hershirt and pulled her binder down around her waist. HEgrabbed her breasts so hard she gasped” (56).0 This quote caught me off guard and adds to the list of actions described in this book I would call inhumane. How could officers of the law, people who are to protect and server, able to treat someone like this? A giant violation of rights and body.
“I felt woozy with fear. It reminded me of when my parents had me committed, or the cops opened my cell door. So many people in theworld had so much power to control and hurt me. I shrugged as though it wasn’t important to me”(Feinberg 93). 0 This quote at this point in the story showed me that she was harboring so many demons from her past. Her “stone” attitude comes from so many terrible situations. The way Jess just shrugs it off as if it doesn’t matter also shows her attitude. I figured she would be upset or furious but instead she acted as though she didn’t care. The anxieties of those situations from her past still haunt her and it shows how many times she has been violated. I figured she would have been more upset by this point in the story with her experience but she still just lets it happen.
“Either eat me or eat my shit, bulldagger. It’s up to you.”0 Of all the strife we read Jess had endured since being a mere child, this particular scene in the book I couldn’t get past. To be beaten to near death, and then treated the way she was, made me sick. Rarely have I ever had such a reaction to a novel, it stood out to me, even brought me to tears. Having to take as much grief as Jess did on a daily basis it made me burn with hatred for these cops that went specifically out of their way to terrorize butches and femmes, as if they were the criminals for their sexual orientation. To be put in a position like that and survive, as broken as she was for a long time, gave me great respect for jess as the novel went on. Relentlessly she was hurt, and relentlessly she fought.
“ Guess the street makes us old before our time, huh, kid?’ (118)0 This is hurtful to read. It made me angry! What is life without been a kid first? it made me sad that they had to grow up before their time just because society fails to realize their differences. And instead of encouraging who they wanted to become, rather they made life a living mess for them. pathetic!
“Baby, I’m sorry they hurt you. But more than anything, I’m sorry you got no place to go with it” (122). 0 so often people are being abused, picked on, and even oppressed. But what makes them more vulnerable is the lack of guardianship and counsel. They are left to handle the situation by themselves, which makes them more susceptible. And they are not comfortable enough to talk about their feelings and it doesn’t get any better than way.
“I felt like a nonperson, even Outlaws had more IDs than me”0 I never considered the need of an I.D. as a challenge for someone that has not broken the law. This was a shocking realization for me thinking of her being free since she was viewed as a man but not being able to do anything such as visit Canada or being pulled over by police, In these scenarios she is just as trapped as before. Only this time there are different challenges she faces. In these instances she may be more comfortable in her body but not really any better off otherwise.
“Things don’t change back,” [Theresa] sighed, “they just keep changing” (Beginning of chapter 13).0 This line caught my attention the moment I read it. Nothing in life is constant. This is something that’s hard to grasp as a child, but as you grow older these words begin to resonate with you. You’re never the same person you were back when you were a child. You’re growing and changing as you constantly interact with the environment around you. This concept also applies to the people you meet and the friends you make over the years; they come and go. Oftentimes good, lifelong buddies stick around, but the relationship you had when you were both thirteen isn’t the same relationship you have when you’re twenty-one. Sometimes friends turn into acquaintances and even in some extreme cases they become your worst enemy. Likewise, the aspect of change is true for social norms in our society. Things like homosexuality are starting to become a bit more accepted. That’s certainly not to say that there is no longer discrimination—there’s still plenty of that—but in the story that Feinberg has painted for us, we can look and see that things are different now.
In-Class Writing0 Explore a moment when Jess intentionally passes. How does this experience change who ze is? How do you know?0 Choose one when ze unintentionally passes. Does this affect hir in the same way? How do you know?
HOMEWORK0 Edit Essay #2: Submit your essay electronically before our next class by emailing a copy saved in MS word to firstname.lastname@example.org Reading: Stone Butch Blues (196-End). Post #16: Finish in-class writing; Post #17: Jess interacts with medical personnel in various ways throughout the novel. Explore an experience Jess has with a medical professional. Does her gender identity influence the treatment she receives or doesn’t receive? Include a quotation. Studying: Terms