“ So I rang up the local swimming baths and said ‘is that the local swimming baths?” He said “it depends where you’re calling from!”
So I rang up my building firm and said I want a skip outside my house He said “I’m not stopping you”
I was getting into my car and this man said “can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure.You look great.The world’s your oyster. Go for it”
A man walked into the doctors and the doctor said “ I haven’t seen you in a while” The man said “ I know, I’ve been ill”
A man goes into the doctors and says “I’ve hurt my arm in several places” The doctor says “well don’t go there then”
I’m not saying my wife’s ugly but… When she sucks a lemon, the lemon pulls a face!
When we found a violin and painting in our loft, the local auctioneer said “what you’ve got there is a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. However… ” Rembrandt made rubbish violins, and Stradivarius couldn’t paint for toffees”
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other… “ does this taste funny to you?”
Man : Doctor, I can’t stop singing the green grass of home. Doctor: Mmm, sounds like Tom Jones syndrome to me Man: Is it common? Doctor: “Well, it’s not unusual”
Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s Well, you can’t say fairer than that then!
Someone complimented my on my driving today. They put a note on the screen which read ‘Parking fine’. So that was nice.
The phone was ringing and when I picked it up I said “who’s speaking please?” The voice said “you are!”
So I went to the dentist and he said “say ‘aah” I said “why?” He said “My dog’s just died”
I took my dog to the vets. After looking at him, he said “I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down” I said “is he that bad?” The vet said “No, he’s just very heavy”
I went to Margate for Rheumatism … and I got it.
A girl stands looking at a can of orange juice intently for over an hour… Just because it said concentrate on the label
British rail have asked my mother in law to stop keep putting her head out of train windows People keep thinking it’s a cattle truck
I said to my doctor “Doctor, it hurts if I press just there” He said “well, don’t do it then”.
I’m not saying my wife’s got hairy legs but… When she turns over in bed she gives me forty lashes!
My wife shouts up the stairs “how would you like to talk to your mother in law?” I said “through a medium”
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings , poking me in the ribs cackling “you’re next” They stopped however after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
A guy walks into a psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
I went to the doctor because I had a strawberry growing out of my head. The doctor said “I’ll give you some cream to put on it”.
My boss kept ringing me on my mobile in the car to tell me I had been promoted. He did it five timed in a day and then I crashed. The police said “What happened?” I said “I careered off the road”