Social and psychological manipulation

5,541 views
5,035 views

Published on

The difference between influencing and manipulation may be theoretically clear, in practice the difference is often only made by the validity of your goal and your personal integrity.

Published in: Self Improvement
1 Comment
6 Likes
Statistics
Notes
  • What is the difference between manipulation and harassment?
       Reply 
    Are you sure you want to  Yes  No
    Your message goes here
No Downloads
Views
Total views
5,541
On SlideShare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
30
Actions
Shares
0
Downloads
182
Comments
1
Likes
6
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

Social and psychological manipulation

  1. 1. MANIPULATIONMANIPULATION Handbook of Social and Psychological Manipulation Dean Amory
  2. 2. 2
  3. 3. Title: Manipulation (Handbook of Social and Psychological Manipulation) Compiled by: Dean Amory Dean_Amory@hotmail.com Publisher: Edgard Adriaens, Belgium eddyadriaens@yahoo.com ISBN: © Copyright 2013, Edgard Adriaens, Belgium, - All Rights Reserved. This book has been compiled based on the contents of trainings, information found in other books and using the internet. It contains a number of articles and coaching models indicated by TM or © or containing a reference to the original author. Whenever you cite such an article or use a coaching model in a commercial situation, please credit the source or check with the IP -owner. If you are aware of a copyright ownership that I have not identified or credited, please contact me at: eddyadriaens@yahoo.com 3
  4. 4. MANIPULATIONMANIPULATION Handbook of Social and Psychological Manipulation Dean Amory 4
  5. 5. Index Index ............................................................................................................................................6 1. Introduction............................................................................................................................14 2. Information From Wikipedia.................................................................................................18 2.1 What exactly is Psychological Manipulation?.....................................................................18 2.2 What is required for successful manipulation?....................................................................18 2.3 What do manipulators want? ...............................................................................................18 2.4 What kind of person is a manipulator? ................................................................................19 Machiavellian personality:.........................................................................................................19 Narcissistic personality disorder:...............................................................................................19 Paranoid personality disorder: ...................................................................................................20 Borderline personality disorder: ................................................................................................20 Dependent personality disorder .................................................................................................20 Histrionic personality disorder...................................................................................................22 Passive-aggressive behavior ......................................................................................................22 Antisocial personality disorder ..................................................................................................22 Behavioral addiction:.................................................................................................................23 10 Types of Emotional Manipulators ........................................................................................24 2.5 Which vulnerabilities are exploited by manipulators? ........................................................25 According to Beth E Peterson....................................................................................................25 According to Braiker, ................................................................................................................26 According to Simon...................................................................................................................26 According to Kantor: .................................................................................................................27 2.6 How a manipulator works....................................................................................................28 2.6.1 What is the basic manipulative strategy of a psychopath? ...............................................28 According to Robert D. Hare and Paul Babiak,.........................................................................28 According to Beth E Peterson....................................................................................................29 2.6.2 Basic manipulative skills ..................................................................................................30 Forced choice suggestive questions...........................................................................................32 Presumptuous suggestive questions...........................................................................................32 Confirmatory suggestive questions............................................................................................32 5
  6. 6. 2.7. How to recognize manipulation for the purpose of domination or control .......................40 3. How to Pick Up on Manipulative Behavior...........................................................................43 3.1 Manipulation operates in sneaky ways................................................................................43 3.2 Manipulation is about control..............................................................................................43 3.3 Understand the manipulative personality. ...........................................................................43 3.4 Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another................44 3.5 How to deal with a manipulative personality ......................................................................45 4. Common Manipulation Tricks...............................................................................................46 4.1. Reinforcement.....................................................................................................................47 1. Forms of operant conditioning:..............................................................................................47 2. Positive reinforcement:..........................................................................................................48 3. Negative reinforcement: ........................................................................................................49 4. Primary and Secondary reinforcers........................................................................................50 5. Intermittent or partial reinforcement: ....................................................................................50 4.2. Using fallacies to mislead people .......................................................................................51 4.3. Punishment .........................................................................................................................68 1. Nagging and Yelling..............................................................................................................68 2. The silent treatment ...............................................................................................................71 3. Intimidation, bullying, swearing and threats .........................................................................74 Fear ............................................................................................................................................76 Love ...........................................................................................................................................76 Emotional...................................................................................................................................76 Change .......................................................................................................................................76 Abuser........................................................................................................................................76 Children .....................................................................................................................................76 Support.......................................................................................................................................76 Needs .........................................................................................................................................76 More...........................................................................................................................................76 4. Emotional blackmail..............................................................................................................79 5. The guilt trip ..........................................................................................................................82 6. Whining, Sulking and Crying................................................................................................84 7. Self-pity - Playing the victim.................................................................................................88 4.4. Other Manipulative Tricks..................................................................................................89 1. The "No Way Out" question..................................................................................................89 6
  7. 7. 2. Making false promises...........................................................................................................90 3. Disguising questions as statements.......................................................................................93 4. Foot in the Door Technique: Start off small and up-sell. ......................................................94 5. The confrontational statement ...............................................................................................95 6. Spreading false rumors. .........................................................................................................97 7. Traumatic one-trial learning: .................................................................................................98 8. Lying:.....................................................................................................................................99 9. Lying by omission, through the use of vagueness or by distortion of crucial details..........101 10. Denial:................................................................................................................................103 11. Rationalization:..................................................................................................................105 12. Minimization or trivializing behaviour:.............................................................................107 13. Selective inattention or selective attention: .......................................................................108 14. Diversion and Evasion:......................................................................................................109 15. Using weasel words. ..........................................................................................................111 16. Mind Reading - The assumption statement .......................................................................113 17. Exploiting position of authority.........................................................................................114 18. Third party authority..........................................................................................................115 19. Shaming: using people’s conscience against themselves ..................................................116 20. Vilifying the victim: ..........................................................................................................118 21. Playing the servant role: ....................................................................................................119 22. Seduction: ..........................................................................................................................121 23. Shifting the blame to others and detract in subtle, hard-to-detect ways............................123 24. Projecting the blame (blaming others):..............................................................................127 25. Feigning innocence, feigning confusion or “playing dumb”:...........................................128 26. Gaslighting:........................................................................................................................129 27. Causing confusion .............................................................................................................131 28. Feigning illness..................................................................................................................133 29. Brandishing anger:.............................................................................................................134 30. Sugarcoating reality...........................................................................................................136 31. Comparing Apples to Oranges...........................................................................................138 32. Cherry Picking...................................................................................................................140 33. Drawing loosely-related conclusions.................................................................................141 35. Targeting lack of time and attention.................................................................................142 36. Non-denial denial:..............................................................................................................142 7
  8. 8. 38. Mistakes were made: .........................................................................................................144 39. The "if apology"................................................................................................................144 40. Phrasing in a way that assumes unproven truths, or avoiding the question.......................144 41. "Burying bad news":..........................................................................................................144 42. Using Euphemisms and Dysphemisms to disguise or promote one's agenda ...................145 43 The “Door-in-the-face” technique ......................................................................................148 44. Bait-and-Switch .................................................................................................................149 45. Highball .............................................................................................................................150 46. Low-ball.............................................................................................................................151 47. That's not all.......................................................................................................................151 48. Disrupt, then reframe.........................................................................................................153 49. Fear, then relief - Scaring The Hell Out of You................................................................155 50. Selling The Top Of The Line (TOTL)...............................................................................157 51. Dump and Chase (DAC)....................................................................................................158 52. Persuasion Techniques.......................................................................................................159 53. But You Are Free...............................................................................................................163 54. Confusion, Humor and Request (ChaR)............................................................................164 55. Hook and Sinker ................................................................................................................165 56. The Jack Hammer, The Hammer and The Dripping Tap ..................................................166 57. AAB Pattern.......................................................................................................................168 58. Commitment Devices ........................................................................................................169 59. Creating Curiosity..............................................................................................................170 60. Double Bind.......................................................................................................................172 61. Final Request .....................................................................................................................173 62. Incremental Persuasion......................................................................................................174 63. Ingratiation.........................................................................................................................175 64. Luncheon Technique..........................................................................................................177 65. Persuade by Pride, Not Shame...........................................................................................178 66. Pique Technique ................................................................................................................179 67. Pre-thanking.......................................................................................................................180 68. Reframing ..........................................................................................................................181 69. Reverse Psychology...........................................................................................................183 70. Social Engineering.............................................................................................................184 71. Truth by Association..........................................................................................................187 8
  9. 9. 72. Using evidence...................................................................................................................188 73. Using Images to Persuade..................................................................................................189 74. Using Policy to Persuade...................................................................................................192 75. Information Manipulation..................................................................................................193 76. Leveling as a Manipulation Tactic: ...................................................................................194 77. Appeal to Authority ...........................................................................................................195 78. Use Double Talk................................................................................................................200 79. Impression Management...................................................................................................203 80. Giving Assent: Appearing to Cave In while Digging in Your Heels ................................211 5. Magical Manipulation .......................................................................................................212 5.1. Misdirection and deflection as used by manipulators:......................................................212 There are four common forms of misdirection used by manipulators.....................................212 5.2. Misdirection and Deflection as used by magicians ..........................................................213 5.2.1 The four degrees of misdirection....................................................................................213 5.2.2. The Misdirection Paradigms..........................................................................................214 Inattentional blindness.............................................................................................................214 Change blindness.....................................................................................................................214 Illusion .....................................................................................................................................215 Uniqueness of method .............................................................................................................216 Social cues ...............................................................................................................................216 Humour....................................................................................................................................216 Forcing.....................................................................................................................................216 6. Hypnotic manipulation......................................................................................................217 6.1. Target somebody and get to know their inner world........................................................218 6.2. In a next step, combine Discovering Values with Visualization. .....................................219 6.3. Meanwhile, Create Rapport..............................................................................................219 6.4. Practice mind reading and prediction of the future...........................................................220 6.5. Use Powerful Links .........................................................................................................220 6.6. Use Suggestive Predicates. ...............................................................................................221 6.7. Tell Stories with embedded commands............................................................................221 9
  10. 10. 6.8. Stimulate Visualization.....................................................................................................222 6.9. Practice Anchoring. ..........................................................................................................222 6.10. Use presuppositions........................................................................................................223 6.11. Use The Magical Conversational Hypnosis Questions...................................................223 6.12. Use Subliminal Valorisation...........................................................................................224 7. Manipulative Relationships ..............................................................................................225 7.1 How to Recognize a Manipulative Relationship ..............................................................225 7.2 Are you the manipulative kind yourself?...........................................................................234 7.3 … We all manipulate!........................................................................................................236 7.4. How to Deal With a Manipulator .....................................................................................238 8. Biographical References....................................................................................................241 8.1. Robert Cialdini - Biography from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia...............................241 8.2. George K. Simon – Biography from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia...........................243 8.3. Milton H. Erickson – Biography from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia........................245 9. Economic Manipulation ....................................................................................................258 9.1. The Manipulation Matrix.................................................................................................258 9.2. Administrative Manipulation............................................................................................262 1. Psychology...........................................................................................................................262 2. Delay Tactics: don't know when, probably in a very very long time, if ever......................262 3. Fronts: what's the real reason...............................................................................................262 4. Fronts and Possibilities: to deceive (linked to "fronts" and brainwashing).........................262 5. Divide and Conquer: division and conflict..........................................................................262 6. Divide and Dismiss: to weaken complaints.........................................................................262 7. Creating Chaos and Justification: for action and control.....................................................262 8. Security and Authority: attacks to increase power ..............................................................262 9. Administrative Maze and Complexity.................................................................................263 10. Ambiguities: no answer at all ............................................................................................263 11. The Pretence of Incompetence: to escape repercussions...................................................263 10
  11. 11. 12. The Administrative Frustrate and Discourage Game ........................................................263 13. Fear: to manipulate and control .........................................................................................264 14. Psychological Harassment or Workplace Psychological Harassment...............................264 15. Invisible Weapons: Psychological the Mind <-> Physical the Body ................................264 9.3. Manipulation in Advertising and Selling..........................................................................265 Personal Persuasion .................................................................................................................265 Foot in the door........................................................................................................................265 Flattery and other likability tricks............................................................................................266 Returning the favor..................................................................................................................266 The free bonus .........................................................................................................................267 Comparing to make it look cheaper.........................................................................................267 Negotiating starting with a very high request..........................................................................268 The last item in stock...............................................................................................................268 The sales person has them too .................................................................................................268 Persistence ...............................................................................................................................268 Hurrying...................................................................................................................................269 You "should" buy from this person .........................................................................................269 Hiding the manipulation ..........................................................................................................269 Not complying can't be justified..............................................................................................270 Reward and punishment...........................................................................................................270 Taking the lead.........................................................................................................................270 You're phoned by someone you suspect wants to sell you something. ...................................270 Taking away your objections...................................................................................................270 Manipulative Questions...........................................................................................................271 Aggressive sales at your door..................................................................................................273 A free gift.................................................................................................................................273 Telemarketing..........................................................................................................................275 The positive, not the negative..................................................................................................276 Presenting it as better than it actually is ..................................................................................277 The attractive person................................................................................................................277 The famous person...................................................................................................................277 Gifts with a logo ......................................................................................................................277 Identification............................................................................................................................278 Appealing to your insecurities.................................................................................................278 11
  12. 12. Win! .........................................................................................................................................278 Bait and Switch........................................................................................................................278 Hiding important information..................................................................................................278 10. Manipulation Quotes.......................................................................................................278 12
  13. 13. 1. Introduction Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence other people to advance our goals, to motivate others and to help them realize their own goals. Influencing happens all the time and in many different ways. As long as we inspire, motivate, convince, persuade, seduce or use assertiveness most people will agree that we are acting within the frame of healthy social life. Every now and then, however, we will use a different tactic: we will manipulate people to get what we want. There are a lot of negative connotations connected to manipulating. The reason is that, contrary to the first series of tactics, manipulation works with unfair means and does not respect the personal rights of the second party (now called "the victim"): it violates his integrity, works with hidden agendas and deliberately uses dishonest tricks like faulty reasoning, coercion, blackmail and lying in an attempt to control the victim's actions. Manipulation also is unbalanced: it is about suiting the manipulator's advantage or purpose only, often even at the expense of the victim. So, in theory, the difference is clear enough: influencing is positive, manipulating is negative. Influencing is ethical, manipulating is not. In practice, it is often more difficult to know when you are being manipulated and how to best defend yourself against it:  Manipulation is unbalanced, the manipulator is trying to benefit at your expense. Yet one of the tricks he will use to reach his goal, is to convince you that you are the one who is to benefit most.  How can you know whether a person is hiding information from you in an attempt to mislead you?  How can you be certain about the final intentions of another person? It's often really difficult to recognize manipulation when it happens. After all, if we are aware that it is happening ... would we allow ourselves to be manipulated? One of the reasons that we ignore to recognize manipulation is that it goes against the very basics of honest behaviour: We want to be respected, appreciated and loved for whom we are. This implies that we avoid hurting others, avoid lying, feel we deserve the benefit of the doubt and therefore treat others as innocent until proven guilty. Because we act like this, we assume others do too. Every now and then however, we will meet with people that have a different approach to life. As a rule, it is safe to say that when things look like bullshit and smell like it, they usually are bullshit. When you feel uneasy about a relationship; when you have to give in too much; when you feel like having to walk on egg shells; when you feel guilty, humiliated or imperfect after yet another difficult conversation; when choices become power-games; when affection turns green with jealousy or becomes overwhelming, exclusive and possessive; when there are half-truths, lies, denials surfacing; when everything that goes wrong somehow is your fault; when you feel you are pressured to take decisions you do not agree with ... chances that you are being manipulated are very real. If you already know this, than you also know a manipulator rarely comes unprepared. Feeling that you are being manipulated is one thing. Putting the finger on the right spot is much more difficult. 13
  14. 14. Because, of course, the manipulator will claim that he acted in good faith; that "again", he is being misunderstood, ... That is where this book comes in handy: it lists and explains the tricks manipulators use and teaches you how to recognize them and how to best defend and protect yourself. 14
  15. 15. 1. Manipulation: What, Why, Who, How? Personal Growth - The Manipulation Trap: Are you a victim? - by Anita Anand http://www.lifepositive.com/Mind/Personal_Growth/The_Manipulation_Trap92010.asp Do you find yourself doing things that you do not really want to? When someone close to you or in a situation of power suggests that you do something against your will, how do you feel? Probably not good. How often do you experience or hear of people who seem to have been blackmailed into accepting life-changing decisions (such as choice of education, career, and marriage partner), because their parents, partners, bosses, best friends, or children thought it was best for them. Everybody who wants something from somebody else is a potential manipulator. Especially when the feeling is that they can get what they want more easily in a covert way than in open and rational ways. Manipulation often is about power. Manipulators want the power to dominate you, to force you to give them whatever it is they are after to feel important, safe, comfortable, valued, loved, …: obedience, loyalty, cooperation, support, vote, silence, energy, time, work, money, attention, companionship, friendship, love, sex, … your Chinese Vases … really anything. No wonder that manipulators come in all kinds, as we will see in the next chapters. All salesmen are trained in “sales techniques”, many of which are in fact “manipulation techniques”. Important however is to realize that everybody will try to manipulate others every now and then. Though ethically never a good solution, in the real world we will all sometimes use manipulation to win time, because the favour required is not important, to prevent a mayor bad, to avoid arguments and frictions, “because this is for a real noble cause”, etc… Manipulation becomes a problem only when the manipulator advances his own interests at the expense of this victim’s and causes mental, physical, financial or other harm. According to clinical psychologist Dr George Simon, often, manipulators in many ways are dysfunctional people who conceal aggressive intentions and behaviours; know the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective, and have a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary. Manipulators also need to advance their own purposes and their own gain, even at virtually any cost to others. They need to attain feelings of power, and superiority in relationships with others and need to feel in control. Dr Richard Paul and Dr Linda Elker write: “The human mind has no natural guide to the truth, nor does it naturally love the truth. What the human mind loves, is itself: what serves it, what flatters it, what gives it what it wants, and what strikes down and destroys whatever threatens it”. Manipulators know this very well. They shrewdly focus on pursuing their own interest, without respect to how that pursuit affect others. They know how to use the established structure of power to advance their interests. They have a great command of the rhetoric of persuasion and are more sophisticated, more verbal and generally have more schooling, greater status and achieve more success than uncritical persons. They are accustomed to playing the dominant role in relationships. They cannot effectively manipulate others if they appear to them to be invalidating their beliefs. That is why they are rarely rebels or critics of society. In fact, since they are fundamentally concerned, not with advancing rational values, but with getting what they want, they are careful to present themselves as sharing the values of those they manipulate. For the same reason, they strive to appear before others in a way that associates themselves with power, authority and conventional morality. Their goal is 15
  16. 16. always to control what others think and they do so by controlling the way information is presented to them. In order to control and change your mind, however, they first have to read it. Manipulators will observe you, collect information through how you answer their questions and what your friends or colleagues tell about you, but also through finding out more about you: who you associate with, where you live, what your life is like, how you feel, what you read, which music you listen to, what you do … Nowadays this kind of personal information is always more found through electronic traces that you leave on the internet: social network profiles, comments, things you published, … Manipulators continually collect, consolidate, then sift all of this information in order to find thought patterns that can be interpreted as your personal disposition, i.e., to better understand your personality, character matrix and hence find your weak spots. Here is a warning for in case you would consider starting to take advantage of some people yourself: If you treat some people unselfishly, you will basically treat everybody you deal with unselfishly. But if you take advantage today of some people, you will end up taking advantage of anyone. “Show me a man who mistreats his enemies, and I’ll show you a man who stabs his friends in the back too.” (R.B. Sparkman – The art of manipulation) 16
  17. 17. 2. Information From Wikipedia http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation 2.1 What exactly is Psychological Manipulation? Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics. By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative, abusive, devious, and deceptive. It depends on the context and motivations, whether social influence constitutes underhanded manipulation. 2.2 What is required for successful manipulation? According to George K. Simon, successful psychological manipulation primarily involves the manipulator: 1. concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors. 2. knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective. 3. having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary. Consequently the manipulation is likely to be accomplished through covert aggressive (relational aggressive or passive aggressive) means. 2.3 What do manipulators want? Manipulators can have various possible motivations, including:  the need to advance their own purposes and personal gain at virtually any cost to others  a strong need to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others  a want and need to feel in control (aka. control freak)  a desire to gain a feeling of power over others in order to raise their perception of self-esteem 17
  18. 18. 2.4 What kind of person is a manipulator? Manipulators may have any of the following psychological conditions: Machiavellian personality: A person's tendency to be emotionally cool and detached, and thus more able to detach from conventional morality and to deceive and manipulate others. In the 1960s, Richard Christie and Florence L. Geis developed a test for measuring a person's level of Machiavellianism. People scoring high on the scale (high Machs) tend to endorse statements such as, "Never tell anyone the real reason you did something unless it is useful to do so," (No. 1) but not ones like, "Most people are basically good and kind" (No. 4), "There is no excuse for lying to someone else," (No. 7) or "Most people who get ahead in the world lead clean, moral lives" (No. 11). Narcissistic personality disorder: (NPD) is a personality disorder in which the individual is described as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige and vanity. This condition affects one percent of the population Symptoms of this disorder, as defined by the DSM-IV-TR include:  Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation  Taking advantage of others to reach own goals  Exaggerating own importance, achievements, and talents  Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance  Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others  Becoming jealous easily  Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others  Being obsessed with self  Pursuing mainly selfish goals  Trouble keeping healthy relationships  Becoming easily hurt and rejected  Setting goals that are unrealistic  Wanting "the best" of everything  Appearing unemotional In addition to these symptoms, the person may also display dominance, arrogance, show superiority, and seek power. The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder can be similar to the traits of individuals with strong self-esteem and confidence; differentiation occurs when the underlying psychological structures of these traits are considered pathological. Narcissists have such an elevated sense of self-worth that they value themselves as inherently better than others. Yet, they have a fragile self-esteem and cannot handle criticism, and will often try to compensate for this inner fragility by belittling or disparaging others in an attempt to validate their own self-worth. It is this sadistic tendency that is characteristic of narcissism as opposed to other psychological conditions affecting level of self- worth. 18
  19. 19. Paranoid personality disorder: A mental disorder characterized by paranoia and a pervasive, long-standing suspiciousness and generalized mistrust of others. Individuals with this personality disorder may be hypersensitive, easily feel slighted, and habitually relate to the world by vigilant scanning of the environment for clues or suggestions that may validate their fears or biases. Paranoid individuals are eager observers. They think they are in danger and look for signs and threats of that danger, potentially not appreciating other evidence. They tend to be guarded and suspicious and have quite constricted emotional lives. Their reduced capacity for meaningful emotional involvement and the general pattern of isolated withdrawal often lend a quality of schizoid isolation to their life experience. People with this particular disorder may or may not have a tendency to bear grudges, suspiciousness, tendency to interpret others' actions as hostile, persistent tendency to self-reference, or a tenacious sense of personal right Borderline personality disorder: (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type in the ICD-10) is a personality disorder characterized by unusual variability and depth of moods. These moods may secondarily affect cognition and interpersonal relationships. Other symptoms of BPD include impulsive behavior, intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, unstable self-image, feelings of abandonment and an unstable sense of self. An unstable sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation. People with BPD often engage in idealization and devaluation of others, alternating between high positive regard and heavy disappointment or dislike. Such behavior can reflect a black-and-white thinking style, as well as the intensity with which people with BPD feel emotions. Self-harm and suicidal behavior are common and may require inpatient psychiatric care. Dependent personality disorder (DPD), formerly known as asthenic personality disorder, is a personality disorder that is characterized by a pervasive psychological dependence on other people. This personality disorder is a long-term (chronic) condition in which people depend on others to meet their emotional and physical needs, with only a minority achieving normal levels of independence. View of others: Individuals with DPD see other people as much more capable to shoulder life's responsibilities, to navigate a complex world, and to deal with the competitions of life. Other people appear powerful, competent, and capable of providing a sense of security and support to individuals with DPD. Dependent individuals avoid situations that require them to accept responsibility for themselves; they look to others to take the lead and provide continuous support. DPD judgment of others is distorted by their inclination to see others as they wish they were, rather than as they are. These individuals are fixated in the past. They maintain youthful impressions; they retain unsophisticated ideas and childlike views of the people toward whom they remain totally submissive. Individuals with DPD view strong caretakers, in particular, in an idealized manner; they believe they will be all right as long as the strong figure upon whom they depend is accessible. 19
  20. 20. Self-image: Individuals with DPD see themselves as inadequate and/or helpless; they believe they are in a cold and dangerous world and are unable to cope on their own. They define themselves as inept and abdicate self-responsibility; they turn their fate over to others. These individuals will decline to be ambitious and believe that they lack abilities, virtues and attractiveness. The solution to being helpless in a frightening world is to find capable people who will be nurturing and supportive toward those with DPD. Within protective relationships, individuals with DPD will be self-effacing, obsequious, agreeable, docile, and ingratiating. They will deny their individuality and subordinate their desires to significant others. They internalize the beliefs and values of significant others. They imagine themselves to be one with or a part of something more powerful and they imagine themselves to be supporting others. By seeing themselves as protected by the power of others, they do not have to feel the anxiety attached to their own helplessness and impotence. However, to be comfortable with themselves and their inordinate helplessness, individuals with DPD must deny the feelings they experience and the deceptive strategies they employ. They limit their awareness of both themselves and others. Their limited perceptiveness allows them to be naive and uncritical Their limited tolerance for negative feelings, perceptions, or interaction results in the interpersonal and logistical ineptness that they already believe to be true about themselves. Their defensive structure reinforces and actually results in verification of the self-image they already hold. Relationships: Individuals with DPD see relationships with significant others as necessary for survival. They do not define themselves as able to function independently; they have to be in supportive relationships to be able to manage their lives. In order to establish and maintain these life-sustaining relationships, people with DPD will avoid even covert expressions of anger. They will be more than meek and docile; they will be admiring, loving, and willing to give their all. They will be loyal, unquestioning, and affectionate. They will be tender and considerate toward those upon whom they depend. Dependent individuals play the inferior role to the superior other very well; they communicate to the dominant people in their lives that they are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent. With these methods, individuals with DPD are often able to get along with unpredictable or isolated people. To further make this possible, individuals with DPD will approach both their own and others' failures and shortcomings with a saccharine attitude and indulgent tolerance. They will engage in a mawkish minimization, denial, or distortion of both their own and others' negative, self-defeating, or destructive behaviors to sustain an idealized, and sometimes fictional, story of the relationships upon which they depend. They will deny their individuality, their differences, and ask for little other than acceptance and support. Not only will individuals with DPD subordinate their needs to those of others, they will meet unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation and abandonment. Dependent individuals so fear being unable to function alone that they will agree with things they believe are wrong rather than risk losing the help of people upon whom they depend. They will volunteer for unpleasant tasks if that will bring them the care and support they need. They will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to maintain important bonds. It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship. It is the strength of the dependency needs that is being addressed; attachment figures are basically interchangeable. Attachment to others is a self-referenced and, at times, haphazard process of securing the protection of the most readily available powerful other willing to provide nurturance and care. 20
  21. 21. Both DPD and HPD are distinguished from other personality disorders by their need for social approval and affection and by their willingness to live in accord with the desires of others. They both feel paralyzed when they are alone and need constant assurance that they will not be abandoned. Individuals with DPD are passive individuals who lean on others to guide their lives. People with HPD are active individuals who take the initiative to arrange and modify the circumstances of their lives. They have the will and ability to take charge of their lives and to make active demands on others. Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention- seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriately seductive behavior, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. HPD affects four times as many women as men. It has a prevalence of 2–3% in the general population, and 10–15% in inpatient and outpatient mental health institutions. HPD lies in the dramatic cluster of personality disorders. People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation They may exhibit sexually provocative behavior, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and can be easily influenced by others. Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs. Passive-aggressive behavior Is a category of interpersonal interactions characterized by an obstructionist or hostile manner that indicates aggression, or, in more general terms, expressing aggression in non-assertive, subtle (that is, passive or indirect) ways. It can be seen in some cases as a personality trait or disorder marked by a pervasive pattern of negative attitudes and passive, usually disavowed, resistance in interpersonal or occupational situations. Passive-aggressive behavior should not be confused with covert aggression (a behavior better described as catty), which consists of deliberate, active, but carefully veiled hostile acts and is distinctively different in character from the non-assertive style of passive aggression. Passive-aggressive behavior can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, hostility masquerading as jokes, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible. Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD) is described (DSM-IV-TR), as an Axis II personality disorder characterized by "...a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood. It is characterized by at least 3 of the following: 1. Callous unconcern for the feelings of others; 2. Gross and persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social norms, rules, and obligations; 3. Incapacity to maintain enduring relationships, though having no difficulty in establishing them; 4. Very low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence; 5. Incapacity to experience guilt or to profit from experience, particularly punishment; 6. Markedly prone to blame others or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behavior that has brought the person into conflict with society. 21
  22. 22. There may be persistent irritability as an associated feature. The diagnosis includes what may be referred to as amoral, antisocial, psychopathic, or sociopathic personality (disorder.) The criteria specifically rule out conduct disorders. Dissocial personality disorder criteria differ from those for antisocial and sociopathic personality disorders. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth ion (DSM IV-TR), defines antisocial personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as: A) There is a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others occurring since age 15 years, as indicated by three or more of the following: 1. failure to conform to social norms with respect to lawful behaviors as indicated by repeatedly performing acts that are grounds for arrest; 2. deception, as indicated by repeatedly lying, use of aliases, or conning others for personal profit or pleasure; 3. impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead; 4. irritability and aggressiveness, as indicated by repeated physical fights or assaults; 5. reckless disregard for safety of self or others; 6. consistent irresponsibility, as indicated by repeated failure to sustain consistent work behavior or honor financial obligations; 7. lack of remorse, as indicated by being indifferent to or rationalizing having hurt, mistreated, or stolen from another; B) The individual is at least age 18 years. C) There is evidence of conduct disorder with onset before age 15 years. D) The occurrence of antisocial behavior is not exclusively during the course of schizophrenia or a manic episode. Behavioral addiction: Increasingly referred to as process addiction or non-substance-related addiction behavioral addiction includes a compulsion to repeatedly engage in an action until said action causes serious negative consequences to the person's physical, mental, social, and/or financial well-being. One sign that a behavior has become addictive is if it persists despite these consequences. The type of behaviors which some people have identified as being addictive include gambling, food, sex, viewing of pornography, use of computers, playing video games, use of the internet, work, exercise, spiritual obsession (as opposed to religious devotion), cutting, and shopping. 22
  23. 23. 10 Types of Emotional Manipulators Source: http://onlinecounsellingcollege.tumblr.com/post/22987740636/10-types-of-emotional-manipulators The Online Counselling College identifies ten types of emotional manipulators: 1. The Constant Victim - This kind of individual will always finds a way to end up as a victim in their relationships. 2. The One-Upmanship Expert – This person uses put downs, snide remarks and criticisms, to show that they’re superior, and know much more than you. 3. The Powerful Dependent – They hide behind the mask of being weak and powerless – then use their helplessness to dominate relationships. That is, they send the subtle message “you must not let me down.” 4. The Triangulator – This person tries to get other people on their side. They’re quick to put you down, and to say some nasty things. They separate good friends or drive a wedge in families. 5. The Blasters – They blast you with their anger or they blow up suddenly. That stops you asking questions - in case there’s a showdown. 6. The Projector – This person thinks they’re perfect and others have the flaws. They take no ownership – because they’re never, ever wrong. 7. The Deliberate Mis-Interpreter – They seem like a nice person – but they twist and use your words. They spread misinformation and misinterpret you. Thus, they deliberately present you in a false, negative way. 8. The Flirt – This person uses flirting to get their way in life. They want to be admired and to have an audience. However, your feelings and your needs are of no concern to them. 9. The Iron Fist – They use intimidation and throw their weight around, to use you for their ends, and to get their way in life. 10. The Multiple Offender – This person uses several of the techniques we’ve described – and they’ll often switch between them if it suits their purposes. 23
  24. 24. 2.5 Which vulnerabilities are exploited by manipulators? “When you get enough inner peace and feel really positive about yourself, it is almost impossible for you to be controlled or manipulated by anyone else.” Wayne Dwyer According to Beth E Peterson Source: http://www.wingedblue.com/manip2.html Characteristics within ourselves which make us vulnerable to manipulation fall within six main areas:  Our Physical Being  Will and Expressions  Imagination  Memory  Thought  Emotion Have you ever been tired enough that when the kids hound you for pizza, you give in? That is an example of the traits of your physical body being used by others to manipulate you.... Have you ever known how another person was feeling simply through their body language or tone of voice? This is something we all do as a matter of course; we recognize (even if only on a subconscious level) that people communicate in a huge number of ways. These expressions of self are signals we are constantly sending out can be used by a manipulator.... Have you ever found yourself believing another person, just because what they told you was something you were really hoping for? And oh-oh! How many times do we make excuses? Loads! But sometimes when we excuse something or rationalize something, whether about ourselves or another person, we are not noticing and stopping a manipulative ploy or attack. These are examples of imagination as an opening for manipulation.... Have you ever walked into a situation where you felt like a little kid again...and not in a good way? If this has happened to you...and it does happen to almost all of us...then someone has accessed your template of child-status. Or in other words, you were just dropped into those same feelings and even attitudes that you had as a child. Believe it or not, this is a weapon a lot of manipulators aim for. And here's a biggie! Our ability to learn is one of the easiest toeholds to access. Our memories are also vulnerable because they are fluid; they change over time as our own perceptions and interpretations change.... How many times have you been influenced by another person's thoughts? The number will be too many to count. From thoughts about the way the country is run to which is the best way to fry an egg, we listen to and are influenced by other people's thoughts and concepts. This is generally a good thing, but when we aren't careful, a manipulator will use this everyday process to steer you wherever they want you. Remember ever having been pressured by your peer group into doing something you weren't sure about? That is an example of the idea that contact equals influence. A manipulator uses it even more subtly.... Have you ever noticed that our emotional state seems tied to everything else? For example, when you're fatigued for a long time, it can be easy to slip into sadness. Or have you ever listened to music that just got you bouncing? Or a speaker that really roused you? These are forms of emotional ecstacies. They and the positive emotions can also be used to lead you down the garden path 24
  25. 25. Manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities (buttons) that may exist in victims: According to Braiker,  the "disease to please"  addiction to earning the approval and acceptance of others  Emotophobia (fear of negative emotion; i.e. a fear of expressing anger, frustration or disapproval)  lack of assertiveness and ability to say no  blurry sense of identity (with soft personal boundaries)  low self-reliance  external locus of control: According to Julian B. Rotter, a person's "locus" (Latin for "place" or "location") is conceptualized as either internal (the person believes they can control their life) or external (meaning they believe that their decisions and life are controlled by environmental factors which they cannot influence). Individuals with a high internal locus of control believe that events in their life derive primarily from their own actions; for example, if a person with an internal locus of control does not perform as well as they wanted to on a test, they would blame it on lack of preparedness on their part. If they performed well on a test, they would attribute this to ability, effort and study. If a person with a high external locus of control does poorly on a test, they might attribute this to the difficulty of the test questions. If they performed well on a test, they might think the teacher was lenient or that they were lucky. According to Simon  naïveté: victim finds it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless or is “in denial” if he or she is being victimized.  over-conscientiousness: victim is too willing to give manipulator the benefit of the doubt and see their side of things in which they blame the victim.  low self-confidence: victim is self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, likely to go on the defensive too easily.  over-intellectualization: victim tries too hard to understand and believes the manipulator has some understandable reason to be hurtful.  Emotional dependency: victim has a submissive or dependent personality. The more emotionally dependent the victim is, the more vulnerable he or she is to being exploited and manipulated. 25
  26. 26. Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and vulnerabilities of their victim. According to Kantor:  too dependent: dependent people need to be loved and are therefore gullible and liable to say yes to something to which they should say no.  too immature: has impaired judgment and believes the exaggerated advertising claims.  Too naïve: cannot believe there are dishonest people in the world, taking for granted that if there were they would not be allowed to operate.  too impressionable: overly seduced by charmers. For example, they might vote for the seemingly charming politician who kisses babies.  Too trusting: people who are honest often assume that everyone else is honest. They are more likely to commit themselves to people they hardly know without checking credentials, etc., and less likely to question so-called experts.  too lonely: lonely people may accept any offer of human contact. A psychopathic stranger may offer human companionship for a price.  too narcissistic: narcissists are prone to falling for unmerited flattery.  too impulsive: make snap decisions about, for example, what to buy or whom to marry without consulting others.  too altruistic: the opposite of psychopathic: too honest, too fair, too empathetic.  Too frugal: cannot say no to a bargain even if they know the reason it is so cheap.  Too materialistic: easy prey for loan sharks or get-rich-quick schemes.  too greedy: the greedy and dishonest may fall prey to a psychopath who can easily entice them to act in an immoral way.  Too masochistic: lack self-respect and so unconsciously let psychopaths take advantage of them. They think they deserve it out of a sense of guilt.  The elderly: the elderly can become fatigued and less capable of multi-tasking. When hearing a sales pitch they are less likely to consider that it could be a con. They are prone to giving money to someone with a hard-luck story. 26
  27. 27. 2.6 How a manipulator works 2.6.1 What is the basic manipulative strategy of a psychopath? According to Robert D. Hare and Paul Babiak, psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases: 1. Assessment phase Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce. 2. Manipulation phase Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths' lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want. As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim's persona. The victim's persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim's persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim's private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim. The persona of the psychopath - the “personality” the victim is bonding with - does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim's particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim's mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful. 3. Abandonment phase The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current "mark". 27
  28. 28. According to Beth E Peterson Source: http://www.wingedblue.com/manip2.html Techniques are the manipulative tools used by a manipulator to take control over their targeted victims. They fall within three main areas:  Environment  Information  Ideology Have you ever found yourself feeling pressured to do something because everyone around is doing it? That is an example of how your environment can influence you. Are you aware of how many different environments you move through in a single day? More than you may realize. Each of those environments is a potential place of manipulative attack.... Have you ever heard the saying, "Information Is Power"? It is more true than many of us know. Have you ever been misinformed about a relationship, and chosen a direction you might not have gone otherwise? This happens often enough in regular circumstances; in the hands of a manipulator, it becomes a powerful weapon. In your profession or hobbies, do you use jargon? Words that mean something different than in usual conversation? (If I told you I was firing in a reducing atmosphere, would you have a clue what I was talking about? Probably only if you are a potter. *wink*) Jargon is normal; we accept it without much thought. Manipulators, however, use jargon to influence and drive their victims. Each of the above is a possible avenue for manipulation through information.... Do you think world peace is a good idea? The majority of us will probably say a resounding 'yes!'...but in the hands of a manipulator, such worthy ideas and goals are nothing more than tools. Do you like the feeling that you are special? That you are part of something wonderful? Such ideas are part of the drawing in process and the manipulative tool of Us vs Them. What happens when your boss says, 'do it my way or else'? You will definitely feel a pressure to conform to their requirements. Such pressure can be applied in many ways... When you have gotten to a certain point in a manipulative relationship, the manipulator will use the tool of ideology to break your internal strength down even further by 'showing' you that you are 'wrong' or 'mistaken'. Have you ever felt that you haven't measure up? That you just weren't good enough at something? Such feelings and experiences also become weapons in the hands of a manipulator. Time refers to how our Toeholds and the manipulator's Techniques act together through Time to draw in the manipulator's victim. There are six stages in this process of Time:  Softening Up  Compliance  Identification  Consolidation  Disaffiliation  Recovery Have you ever seen an ad? Read a book? Talked to a stranger while waiting for an airplane? Gone on a date? Then you may have already entered the softening up phase with a manipulator.... 28
  29. 29. Do you ever do something you wouldn't do otherwise, because someone asked you to? Many of us will. A manipulator knows this and works on their targeted victim's politeness and willingness in order to draw them deeper into the relationship.... Do you sometimes identify yourself through another person or through a group? For example, 'Hi, I'm Joe, Mary's husband' or 'I'm part of the XYZ organization'? In a manipulative relationship, this is part of the manipulator's plan.... People can be manipulated to the point of identifying themself primarily or solely through their relationship with the ultra-authority. Their own sense of identity as an individual has been destroyed.... Nothing of the old you remains; you are now about what the manipulator wants. This is the stage of the relationship that most extreme manipulators are aiming for: complete control over their targeted victim.... Have you ever 'dumped' somebody? It is much harder to leave a relationship you've been manipulated into, but it can be done.... For someone who has disaffiliated from a manipulator, there are often some very serious concerns which must be met right away. Personal safety, food, clothing, shelter and financial assets have often been stripped out of the control of the individual. There are also long-term effects: recovering from such levels of manipulation takes time, a great deal of effort, and understanding of what happened to you. 2.6.2 Basic manipulative skills “There is only one way to get anybody to do anything, and that is by making the other person want to do it” (Dale Carnegie) How manipulators unveil hidden reasons and feelings: If you ask a person the reason for his behaviour, chances are he will come up with an excuse. Manipulators know this and will formulate their question differently. They might ask “why won’t you do things my way?” and next, ask: “is their any reason in addition to that?” and then keep silent and observe their victim’s reaction. In the same way, in order to find out how somebody really feels about something, they may surprise him with a direct question and then observe his reaction. Avoidance of conflict and Persistence: the hidden weapons of manipulation You may think there is nothing you want from your friends or colleagues, a manipulator is always aware that one day you may be in a position to contribute in one way or another in the pursuit of his interests. That is why he will choose his disagreements and pick his battles very carefully. After all, arguments yield bitter fruits, so what’s the use of disagreeing or arguing on subjects that don’t directly affect their interests or of arguing with people they have no personal connection with? Instead, manipulators “speak the we-language” and will often stress how alike they feel to their victims: “I don’t blame you for that, I’ve been there myself – I know how you feel” 29
  30. 30. They are very good at pointing out areas of agreement and at appealing to common values : “We both want you to have what you want and deserve.”, “I don’t want to cause you trouble any more than you do yourself.” They overcome objections by providing good reasons why it is in the victim’s best interest to do what they propose. An often used scheme is: a. Agree with the feelings of the victim b. Stress areas of agreement c. Overcome objections by giving good reasons d. Adding an “It’s for your best interest only / I don’t need you”-disclaimer Example: “Yes, I know what you mean and I am sure that nine out of ten times, that would be the right thing to do. However, this case has some very unusual circumstances that make it a little different. Just like you, I wish things were easier, better, cheaper, not so risky, … But I know that you want to get the best deal and I want you to get the best price, to be completely satisfied, You’ve looked around yourself and you already know that the best things in life demand some risk. Taking a little chance is always something you have to live with. You can’t buy one like this for any less anywhere anyway. … It’s up to you to decide of course. After all, my only desire is to help you succeed in any way that I can. After all, I don’t want to see you run into trouble with your wife. …” Manipulators generate doubt Manipulators rarely argue directly against an idea or proposal, they will rather first praise their victim for his ideas, but then create confusion or doubt: “That's an excellent idea, but if we look more deeply ....." or "I agree with what you say but have you considered ....". Manipulators reduce Resistance with suggestive questions “Surely, everybody will agree that …” This simple line that we read and hear regularly, is the standard example of a suggestive question. Wikipedia, the free Encyclopaedia, describes a suggestive question as a question that implies that a certain answer should be given in response, or falsely presents a presupposition in the question as accepted fact. Such a question distorts the memory thereby tricking the person into answering in a specific way that might or might not be true or consistent with their actual feelings, and can be deliberate or unintentional. For example, the phrasing "Don't you think this was wrong?" is more suggestive than "Do you think this was wrong?" despite the difference of only one word. The former may subtly pressure the respondent into responding "yes," whereas the latter is far more direct. Repeated questions can make people think their first answer is wrong and lead them to change their answer, or it can cause people to continuously answer until the interrogator gets the exact response that they desire. The diction used by the interviewer can also be an influencing factor to the response given by the interrogated individual. 30
  31. 31. Wikipedia recognizes the following types of suggestive questions: Direct suggestive questions Direct questions lead to one word answers when explanations are sometimes needed. This could include questions like “Do you get it?” and “Where did it happen?” According to Dr. Kathy Kellermann, an expert in persuasion and communication, direct questions force exact responses through carefully worded questions. Repeated suggestive questions Repeated questions elicit certain types of answers. Repeated questions make people think their first answer was wrong, lead them to change their answer, or cause people to keep answering until the interrogator gets the exact response that they desire. Elizabeth Loftus states that errors in answers are dramatically reduced if a question is only asked once Forced choice suggestive questions Yes/no or forced choice questions like “is this yellow or green?” force people to choose between two choices when the answer could be neither of the choices or needs more explanation. This generates more “interviewer-talks” moments, where the interviewer is talking and controlling most of the interview. This type of question is also known as a false dilemma. Forced choice is often used in sales relations: “should I call you Monday or Wednesday (assumes that you want to talk again) “the first meeting will be next Tuesday” (assumes you will participate) “do you prefer the blue one or the red one?” (assumes you want the article) Presumptuous suggestive questions Presumptuous questions can either be balanced or unbalanced. Unbalanced questions ask questions only from the point of view of one side of an argument. For example, an interrogator might ask “’Do you favor the death penalty for persons convicted of murder?”’ This question assumes that the person’s only point of view in the situation is that a person who is convicted must either get the death penalty or not. The second type of presumptuous question is balanced question. This is when the interrogator uses opposite questions to make the witness believe that the question is balanced when the reality is that it is not. For example, the interrogator would ask, “’Do you favor life in prison, without the possibility of parole?”’ This type of question may seem balanced when in reality it is still influencing the person to discuss life in prison and no other choice. Confirmatory suggestive questions Confirmatory questioning leads to answers that can only support a certain point. Here, the interviewer forces the person to make sure his or her answers make them out to be extroverted or introverted. If they want them to look extroverted they would ask questions like “How do you make a party more fun?” and “When are you talkative?” If they want the person to look introverted they ask questions like “Have you ever been left out of a group?” or “Can you be more hyper sometimes?”. 31
  32. 32. Manipulators can be very persistent. They a. Decide what they want and resolve not to quit until they get it. b. Mentally accept the consequences of failure, but do everything in their power to avoid failure. c. Vow to learn something from every experience through self-examination. They will not hesitate to compromise on some detail in order to start a pattern of concessions and know the importance of getting a “yes” on a small concession and work their way up from their, by always adding to the concession They are careful to avoid painful moments of decision. In case of doubt, they will readily assume their victim agreed and take appropriate action: “I’ll call him now and make the necessary reservations …” They know that nobody likes to feel he owes a debt to somebody else and thus - In order to prevent them from feeling ungrateful - often, succeed in making their victims “pay in advance” for the favours they are going to do them: “I will help you out if you first help me with this little problem that I’m having” Manipulators master the Laws of Influence Manipulators instinctively use Cialdini’s laws of influence. Robert B. Cialdini is Regents’ Professor Emeritus of Psychology and Marketing at Arizona State University. He is best known for his book on persuasion and marketing, Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. Influence has sold over 2 million copies and has been translated into twenty-six languages. It has been listed on the New York Times Business Best Seller List. Fortune Magazine lists Influence in their "75 Smartest Business Books." Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (ISBN 0-688-12816-5) has also been published as a textbook under the title Influence: Science and Practice (ISBN 0-321-01147-3). 32
  33. 33. In writing the book, he spent three years going "undercover" applying for jobs and training at used car dealerships, fund-raising organizations, and telemarketing firms to observe real-life situations of persuasion. The book also reviews many of the most important theories and experiments in social psychology. Harvard Business Review lists Dr. Cialdini's research in "Breakthrough Ideas for Today's Business Agenda". 1. The law of reciprocity or law of obligation People feel obliged to return a favour hen somebody does something for them first. By granting favours, manipulators create a situation in which the victim feels he owes them something in return or, in a negotiation, they will make small concessions to stimulate a return-concession. Another way in which this technique is used is when somebody first makes a large request and, when this request has been rejected, immediately follows it with a much smaller request. The law of reciprocity is extremely powerful, often overwhelming the influence of other factors that normally determine compliance with a request. It applies even to uninvited first favours, which reduce our ability to decide whom we wish to owe and putting the choice in the hands of others and can spur unequal exchanges. That is: to be rid of the uncomfortable feeling of indebtedness, an individual will often agree to a request for a substantially larger favours, than the one he or she first received. “Favours” can be almost anything that is of value to the victim: sharing a secret, paying attention, taking out to dine, taking to a concert, support in an argument with a third person, a small token of friendship, a compliment, a smile, an invitation, … Manipulators must be careful though that their victims don’t see their actions as a form of bribery, and thus pressure to comply. Favours and gifts should be given before something is asked “in return”, because if the victim feels tricked, their compliance will decrease. The obligation created must be perceived as a sincere and unselfish act of friendship. Studies revealed that when somebody persuaded you to change your mind, they will be inclined to do the same if approached by you. This is the strength of observations like: “you know, I have been thinking about what you said, and you are really right …” 2. The law of scarcity Oftentimes scarcity is an illusion engineered by the product maker. Because products (and opportunities) seem a lot more appealing when there is limited availability. The manipulator knows that, if he lets his victim escape now, chances are he will never return and say: “okay, I decided. Let’s do it now!”. By creating scarcity, he will therefore put pressure on his victim to make his decision. One of the ways in which this law is used, is to make the victim aware of the fact that they have other people waiting in line to take his place in order to convince him of the value of his “preferential relationship” with the manipulator. A few other ways of using this law are : • the “exclusive”, “limited” or “once in a lifetime” offer • posing deadlines: tomorrow the offer is not valid anymore • invitation required, vips only … 33
  34. 34. • potential loss: if you don't take advantage of my offer, you will remain restricted in your actions and possibilities in one way or another. People will always overvalue the thing a manipulator is restricting. That is why manipulators often resort to creating a state of emotion in which the victim fears the loss. This is an overwhelming feeling they won't be able to ignore. Motivated by restriction, the victim will want what you deny him. They will do anything to get it and the more you deny them, the more energy you give to your cause. • limited offer: Mr X is also interested, but had to consult his wife first. If she decides to take the offer, it’ll be too late for you. 3. The law of authority Manipulators come well prepared and found their arguments with support from experts in the field or celebrities. This is why so much publicity is presented by celebrities or actors acting like a scientist or professional: “90% of dentist recommend …” Or the manipulator poses as an authority or expert himself. When reacting to authority in an automatic fashion there is a tendency to often do so in response to the mere symbols of authority rather than to its substance., instead of being critical and asking ourselves what makes this person truly an expert and how truthful we can expect him to be. Three types of symbols have been demonstrated through research as effective in this regard: • Titles • Clothing • Automobiles. 4. The law of liking or law of connectivity Manipulators know the importance of using people’s names, of smiling, confirming and praising others, touching them carefully, mirror and match their mood, verbal style, body language, breathing … in order to create rapport. As a rule, people believe much easier what is being said by those who are similar to them and whom they like. Effective manipulators understand that the more recognition, praise, acceptance and genuine compliments they pay their victim, the more likely they are to persuade them to their ideas and ways of thinking. The main factors in connectivity are: attraction, similarity, sincerity, people skills (feeling the other is interested in you and respects you for who you are) and rapport. The ability to work well with people tops the list for common skills and habits of highly successful people. Studies show that as much as 85 percent of your success in life depends on your people skills and the ability to get others to like you As for attraction: attraction may start with good looks and speaking and dressing well, but it goes beyond that: it encompasses having the ability to attract and draw people to you. People most easily like people that are similar to them. Researchers McCroskey, Richmond, and Daly say there are four critical steps to similarity: attitude, morality, background, and appearance. When receiving a persuasive message, we ask the following questions subconsciously: 1) Does the speaker think like me? 34
  35. 35. 2) Does the speaker share my morals? 3) Does the speaker share my background? 4) Does the speaker look like me? Of the four similarity factors, attitudes and morals are the most important. Manipulators often instinctively know what Carnegie teaches: by becoming interested in other people, they get them to like them faster than by spending all day trying to get them interested in them. Having goodwill entails appearing friendly or concerned with the other person's best interest. Aristotle said, "We consider as friends those who wish good things for us and who are pained when bad things happen to us." This caring and kindness means being sensitive and thoughtful. It means acting with consideration, politeness, civility, and genuine concern for those around us. It is the foundation for all interactions and creates a mood of reciprocity. Manipulators often win hearts and loyalty through genuine or feigned compassion. They invoke goodwill by focusing on positives and avoid appearing harsh or forceful when dealing in areas where the other person is sensitive or vulnerable. Additionally, they make positive statements and perform actions that show their victims that they have their best interest in mind. One way of creating rapport is by utilizing methods of association to trigger and stimulate deep reservoirs of emotion within their Victim’s minds. These triggers can include pleasant music, colors, symbols, sounds, celebrities, etc. The Victim naturally associates each trigger to a specific feeling or emotion based on past experience. Therefore, when these triggers are associated and coupled together with a specific product, idea or service, than the Victim begins to associate these same feelings and emotions to these stimuli as well, and the persuasive process runs it’s full course. 5. The law of social proof We will do what the crowd does. We might not like to admit that, but it is true. Only 5 to 10 percent of the population engages in behaviour contrary to the social norm. We see this law operating in groups, in organizations, in meetings, and in day-to-day public life. In all of these circumstances, there is a certain standard or norm. In churches, the moral code determines the standard behaviour acceptable for the group. In organizations, the bylaws and years of tradition establish a standard operating procedure. Because we want to fit into these groups and maintain our membership with them, we conform our actions to the norm. When we find ourselves in a foreign situation where we feel awkward or unsure of how to act, we look for those social cues that will dictate our behaviour. Manipulators will convince their victims that their views are supported by others, that “everybody knows” or “nowadays, almost all the really important people that I know agree …” Because people tend to think that “what’s right for others, cannot be bad for me”, manipulators will often refer to other people who gained by taking the action they are asking their victim to make. Also when it comes to making friends, the law of social proof comes in very handy: when somebody tells you “others” have informed him how good you are, or that he accidently overhear d a conversation in which two colleagues praised your qualities or were named as a specialist in some field, than you will not only feel flattered, but you will also want to proof these “others” right and are much more likely to give him what he wants from you. 35
  36. 36. Anytime we find ourselves part of a group, we feel some susceptibility to peer pressure and/or the opinions of others in the group. The more respect we feel for the group, the more their opinions matter to us, and therefore the more we feel pressured to align our own opinions with those of the group. Even when we don't really agree with the group, we will often go along with the group in order to be rewarded instead of punished, or liked instead of scorned. Consider also the following other examples: People conform because they believe everyone else is correct People conform because they fear the social rejection of not going along People conform simply because it's the norm People conform because of cultural influences People conform because somebody of authority says something is correct People conform because somebody they love believes in something 6. The law of commitment and consistency Effective manipulators realize that by involving their Victim’s in specific activities related to their idea, product or service will effectively open them up to the forces of persuasion. The greater the emotional involvement the Victim experiences, the more susceptible they will become to the persuasive process. Once a manipulator succeeds in making somebody commit to a general idea or goal, he knows it will then be easier to ask for subsequent action. Also, people will easier repeat what they’ve already done before. The well known foot-in-the-door technique is based on this law: If you can get someone to do you a small favour, they are more likely to grant you a larger favour later on. Initial favours are granted more easily when the manipulator can convince his victim that he is not acting in his own self interest, but in the victim’s or society’s. Another technique based on the law of commitment and consistency is the “yes-train”: by getting a person to say “yes” to a number of questions, they are much more likely to also say “yes” to the question you really want to ask them. Wow, the weather is great today, isn’t it? - Yes Doesn’t it really feel good to be outside now? - Yes Do you want to join me for a drink on one of these terraces after work? - Yes The same technique can be used in a slightly different way: Manipulators know that, if their victim accept the first part of a statement they are making, they will often also accept the second part. Example: “As a woman, as a colleague, as a man with principles … you can easily understand …” Still another technique based on this law is the “because” technique: people like to have a reason for the things they do. Manipulators will offer them the reason. Research indicates that adding “because”, followed by an arbitrary and even meaningless reason to a request, leads to significantly higher positive response. “Excuse me, can I use the copier first because I need to make some copies” sounds daft, but yields a much better result than the same question without the added reason. Manipulators will also try to get their victims to commit to a decision or product, or to make some kind of promise. Next, the manipulators will change the rules of the game or the terms and conditions agreed. They know that, once somebody mentally committed to something, they are likely to stick to their decision even if what they want will now cost them more or be somehow different from the initial offer. 36
  37. 37. Before changing the deal, they get their victims to confirm their commitment. Each confirmation increases the commitment on the part of the victim:, more so when the confirmation is made publically: talking about the agreement, discussing aspects, telling his friends, confirming a date, … Each of these steps result in a greater level of commitment and make it more difficult for the victim to pull back from the deal. Manipulators also know the importance of confirming to their victims that they made the right decision and, if someone did them a favour, they will let them know afterwards what happened, hoping that in this way their victims will appreciate the feedback and may be able to help them further in future. The law of commitment and consistence also works in a much different way: People want to be consistent, so when they are aware of dissonance in their lives, when attitudes conflict with actions of beliefs, they feel uncomfortable and will try to restore the harmony in their lives. To shut out dissonance, they may  Deny there is a conflict by ignoring the conflictive information or deliberately misperceiving it.  Change existing cognitions (admit they were wrong) and adapt to the new situation  Reframe their understanding or interpretation of the meaning (consider the matter of no importance)  Discredit the source of the conflictive information and search support for their own viewpoint.  Separate the conflictive attitudes: “what happens in one area of my life has nothing tot do with other areas.”  Rationalize: find excuses for why the inconstancy is acceptable Because dissonance is causing them to feel uncomfortable, it is a powerful tool to motivate people to make and keep commitments. Manipulators will sell you a dream, then make you pay for it: a. Step one: They will create rapport, discover what you are dreaming of and join you in your dream: “imagine you went to sleep yesterday and woke up this morning in an ideal world, how would you know? – what would it look like?” b. Step two: They will create dissonance by remembering you that your dream has not been realized yet in your life: “too bad that …”, “yes, but see what you’ve got now …” c. Step three: They will offer you a solution, that is: show you how you can become happy again: (This is where they present the bill for becoming happy!) “what if I could prove you …”, “if you do what I ask, then I can assure you …”, “If I could …; would this allow you to ….” 7. The law of contrast Effective manipulators present their Victim with a contrast of choices. Their goal is to convince their Victim to purchase Product “E”. This is a higher ticket item that may be slightly outside their Victim’s price range. However, instead of showing them Product E to begin with, they instead show them Products A through D. They inform their Victim that Product A, B, C and D have several undesirable options that don’t quite match their Victim’s needs. They eventually work their way up to Product E that meets their Victim’s Needs perfectly. 37
  38. 38. 8. The law of expectation If I accept you as you are, I will make you worse; however if I treat you as though you are what you are capable of becoming, I help you become that. —JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE Effective manipulators understand that people normally behave according to the expectations set by others. They will use this to their advantage by unconsciously sending persuasive signals of expectation towards their Victim which are based on their psychological desires and wants. Moreover, they utilize the expectations and opinions of others (people with psychological influence over their Victim’s lives) to maneuver their Victim into a decisive frame of mind. 38

×