How to Make People Think You’re a Portlander
(Without Actually Living in the State of Oregon)
By Carolynn Duncan

Rule #1:
Describe Portland…
the way locals do.

In 25 Words… What is Portland Like?
• “25 words? I cannot do so in 25 words.”
• “Portland… is a place where people pretend to work in coffee
shops and pubs.”
• “It’s like hot, buttered waffles after a night of binge drinking
when you didn't have time to get dinner first.”

Rule #2:
Take pride in the homeland,
and all it is known for.

What Portland Is Best Known For
• Powells
• Bridges, river splits city, trees
• Bikes
• Coffee, beer, and movie theaters that sell beer
• Tonya Harding
• The 4 quadrant situation
• Bums
• Open source
• Hoodies
• The MAX
• Indie bands with names from a porn catalog

Rule #3:
Try Not to Stand Out
From The Crowd

Traits of a Portlander
• young
• bike
• foodie
• Beer
• coffee
• vegan
• environment, nature, recyclers
• educated, book-reader
• mellow, laid-back
• bearded
• progressive, liberal
• tech addict
• you either think Portland is the best, or you can’t wait to leave

Rule #4:
Familiarize yourself
with things only locals know.

(Editor’s note: half of what people said
was just too weird to say publicly…)
• “The cheap food is on the East Side.”
• “Portland is, sociologically speaking, a lesbian mecca.”
• “Best cappuccino: Spella Café, 9th & Alder. And yes, it's a trailer.”
• “Someone in Portland has been building a great list for discrete
outdoor sex over the past 10 years... but ‘hell no, isn’t telling’.”
• “Ask for “the chef's menu\" at clarklewis; it’s always the best.”
• “More couples meet on craigslist than are willing to admit.”

Plan B:
If your cover is blown, use 2 or 3,
if not all, of the following…
WARNING!!!
FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY!
(results may vary)

Pretend like Powell’s doesn’t
impress you anymore

Shower, eat,
and/or nap at CubeSpace

Stop being confused
by Oregon’s gas station situation—
start enjoying it.

Eat food in bizarre combinations.
“So, you like bacon... but you also like maple donuts?
In Portland, we eat them at the same time.”

Replace all common daily activities
with 4-6 hours of Twittering

Volunteer for
“WordIgniteBarCampCampCampCamp
Palooza… PDX.”
…to be held at CubeSpace Nov.20th
(get free tickets here on Upcoming!)

Refuse to go places not on the MAX.
(Better yet, that you can’t bike to.)

Clutter your brain with complex phrases
like “NW” “SE” “SW, and “NW”.
(Bonus points— act like you know
which side of the river they’re on.)

Set up a desk at Urban Grind,
GreenDragon, Albina Press Café, Crema,
Stumptown, Backspace, or Tiny’s.
Hardcore:
be an afterhours
regular at all of the above

Dude! Stop going through the motions—
Pack it up and move to PDX already,
you’re not fooling anyone. 