Mike wants to have a civil 18th birthday house party with a nice, chilled atmosphere and invites his friends to provide input on the party details and rules. He wants to save money and have control over the music, timing, and conditions. Mike addresses potential concerns about damage, vomit, cigarette burns, and unwanted guests by pledging to clean his room every Sunday and blitz it during breaks to his mother's satisfaction in order to demonstrate responsibility.

1. Ok, so

2. Stereotypical house party

3. The reality

4. I thus present you with… Mike Hegarty’s Awesome (but really quite civil and respectable) 18th Birthday House Party! I have seen the light

5. But why, Michael, why?!? I don’t want my 18th to suck balls. Nice, chilled, informal atmosphere I don’t want to invite millions of people I want to have control over music, conditions, timings etc I want to save you guys $$$!

6. The plan I want to work with YOU! You decide timings You decide how many people come You decide which rooms are available You decide what is and isn’t allowed Should you wish, you are fully allowed to remain present to keep an eye on proceedings.

7. FAQ’s But Mike, what about vomit? But Mike, what about cigarette burns? But Mike, what about unsavoury characters and uninvited guests? But darling Mike, light of my life, apple of my eye, darling eldest boy for whom I am delighted to have reached adulthood, WHAT ABOUT DAMAGE TO THE HOUSE?!

8. I pledge To make sure my floor and desk is clear EVERY Sunday Blitz the sweet jesus out of the room during half term to your satisfaction To be an all-round more effective, likeable, morally correct and hygienic human being.