How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive? Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Operator! Give me the number for 911! You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on In this house, we OBEY the laws of thermodynamics! Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut! What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts. Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. If they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken! Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them. Simpson! Homer Simpson! He's the greatest guy in history. From the, Town of Springfield! He's about to hit a chestnut tree! If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers. Owww look at me Marge, I'm making people Happy! I'm the magical man, from Happy Land, who lives in a gumdrop house on Lolly Pop Lane!!!!...... By the way I was being sarcastic... I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. Alright Brain...It's all up to you. All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?' I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low. Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. Here's to alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all life's problems. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel. Homer no function beer well without. Fame was like a drug, but what was even more like a drug were the drugs. I feel like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft! A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool, like a butcher's knife, or a harpoon, or an alligator. Ah! Tom Arnold! What's the hell's going on?! Ah, ha ha! Look at that jerk! He dropped his notes! AH, HA HA! Ah, the Luftwaffe. The Washington Generals of the History Channel. Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life be without it? [drinking Duff beer] Ah... you can really taste the goat. All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. Always remember that you're representing your country... I guess what I'm saying is, don't mess up France the way you messed up your room. Always give in to peer pressure. America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay. Are you hugging the TV? As long as he has eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me. (While holding a newborn Bart) Aw, Dad... you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless, aren't they? Aren't they? [he tickles Abe, who laughs] Aw, twenty dollars... I wanted a peanut. Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything. Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed. Back, you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me, and... maybe the boy! (Homer bursts through the bedroom door and screams at a nervous Bart) Bart! You wanna see my new chainsaw and hockey mask?! Bart, with $10,000 we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like... love? Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing! Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Boy, everyone is stupid except me. Boy, when Marge first told me she was going to the Police Academy, I thought it would be fun and exciting, you know, like the movie... Spaceballs. But instead, it's been painful and disturbing, like the movie Police Academy. But Marge, what if we picked the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder. But I can't be a missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus. (snoring and talking in his sleep during Frank Grimes' funeral service) Change the channel, Marge. Come here, Apu. If it'll make you feel any better, I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another... until you just wish Flanders was dead. Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Earth to Marge, earth to Marge. I was there. The clown is G-I-L-L-T-Y. Enough. I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose! Everyone knows rock n' roll attained perfection in 1974; It's a scientific fact. Extended warranty? How could I lose? Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! First you don't want me to get the pony, now you want me to take it back. Make up your mind! First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. [telling Bart about how he avoided jury duty] The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. God bless those pagans. Come on Lisa! Monkeys! Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and for the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is and I won't ask for anything more. If that is ok, please give me absolutely no sign. (pause) Deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, give me no sign. (pause) Thy will be done. (pigs out on the cookies) [about Lisa] Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all! Do I know what rhetorical means? Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you Hoju. Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos. Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. (long pause) Well... g'night! Don't hassle the dead, boy. They have eerie powers. Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a giant blender. Don't you know the saying? 'Water water everywhere, so let's all have a drink.' I hope I didn't brain my damage. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fuh-LAMING! I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, it would explode. I think it was called... The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down. I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff... and I want in. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things. Bart experienced that at the age of four. I thought I had an appetite for destruction... but all I wanted was a club sandwich. I want to share something with you. The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here. I wasn't asleep! I was drunk! I won't apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way that I am. God can't be everywhere, right? Good things don't end in 'eum', they end in 'mania'... or 'teria'. Goodbye, Lisa. Remember me as I am... filled with murderous rage! (drunk) Guess how many boobs I saw today? Fifteen! Have you ever heard of jetlag? (enunciating) JET... LAG?! (on the phone) Hello, Thailand? How's everything on your end? (listens) Uh huh. That's some language you got there. (chuckling) And you talk like that 24/7, huh? Help me, Jebus! Hey, he's not happy at all! He lied to us through song! I HATE when people do that! Hmm... fabulous house, well behaved kids, sisters in law dead, luxury sedan... Wohooo! I hit the jackpot! Hmmm... I don't approve of his Bart-killing policy... but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy [subsequently votes for Sideshow Bob]. I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy! I'm going right downstairs to unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping be... g'night. I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. If God didn't want us to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. Ah, Tibor, how many times have you saved my butt? (chuckles) If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. (in New York) I'll get out of this city alive if it kills me! I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are. I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love... and I won't be back for ten minutes! I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am! The Internet? Is that thing still around? I've always wondered if there was a God, and now I know there is. It's me. It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get. I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream? Marge, are we Jewish? Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain. Marge, I agree with you - in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory. Marge, it's 3am. Shouldn't you be baking? Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Marge, someone broke the toilet. Marge, what's wrong? Are you hungry? Sleepy? Gassy? Gassy? Is it gas? It's gas, isn't it? Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family. Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow! My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad. Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called city fathers, who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?! Not those peanuts... the ones at the bottom. Then I figured out we could just stick them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV. They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. "
To start, press any key."
Where's the "
key?! I see Kuh-tor-ull, Esc, and Pig-Up, but I don't see the "
key! Woah, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty, I think I'll order a tab. (Presses tab key) Ooh, too late for that now, the computer's starting! Trying is the first step towards failure. Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel... Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons. Well, it's 1am. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. We're goin' bowling. If we don't come back, avenge our deaths! What are you gonna do? Release the dogs?! Or the bees?! Or dogs with bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees at you?! What is a wedding? Webster's Dictionary defines a wedding as "
The process of removing weeds from one's garden."
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something. When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Wow, this plankton is only 33 cents! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell! You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning. Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks! Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial. You're not the only one who can abuse a non-profit organization. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Operator, get me Thailand. T, I... and so on. Operator! Give me the number for 911! Pffft. Who needs English? I'm never going to England. Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip! Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd. Son, a woman is a lot like a... [looks around] a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and, um... [spots his can of Duff] Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [downs the beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! Stupid gravity! Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover. There's so much I don't know about astrophysics! I wish I read that book by that wheelchair guy. Now for the easiest job for any coach... the cuts. Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs. Of all the women in the world, I had to marry Jane Fonda! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible: 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! According to this, everybody's a sinner! Except for this guy. Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go to back to that... building...thingy.. where our beds and TV... is. Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man, from Happy Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaaaaaaaaaane! [leaves the room, then pokes his head back in] Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic. [leaves again] Oh! Look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this? Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Fourty percent of people know that. Oh, so they have internet on computers now!