Amygdala
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
   “Amy who?”
   ~ Oscar Wilde on Amygdala
The amygdala is a vi...
Realize though, that the amygdala stuff only it happens inside your brain instead of on the end of
your arm. Wow, what a p...
called the pre-frontal cortex? (Yea, we gotta come in and correct these non-scientist trying to play
scientists every once...
something can remain active simultaneously...only those pseudo-scientists can answer such
mumbo-jumbo.)


[edit] Reiterati...
research has shown that this can actually be done with accurate perception of objects and
thoughts hidden and distant to t...
Pick a day when there is no wind. Wind interferes with this game since telepathic powers are
influenced by physical phenom...
evaporate- no cloud. Be sure to trust every word of those who cannot spell "visualize" and
        "vapor."
   1.    Remai...
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Amygdala

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Amygdala

  1. 1. Amygdala From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. “Amy who?” ~ Oscar Wilde on Amygdala The amygdala is a vital part of the Brain Wave Adventure, by Neil Slade, revealing the secrets of activating the brain and destroying clouds. This is an excerpt of his findings. And it's all true. Contents  1 Amygdala clicking  1.1 Do this:  1.2 What clicking the amygdala can do for YOU  1.3 What would you do with FREE MONEY?  1.4 Reiteration  1.5 And at the same time  2 Brain Travel  2.1 How to Brain Travel  3 Cloud bursting  3.1 Here is what you are going to do  3.2 Now what?  3.3 Why it didn't work?  4 External links [edit] Amygdala clicking Location of amygdala Lower animals with much smaller frontal lobes than humans - chimpanzees, for example - are not able to SELF-CONTROL their amygdala like you can with your human brain. By learning how to click your amygdala forward whenever you like, life becomes beautiful - instead of stinky. But if you are one of the "lower animals," then you like things stinky. ut i As it turns out- the amygdala is connected directly to your olfactory nerves- your nose and sense of smell, and so this explains the "stinky" things that happen to us in our lifetimes. Clicking your amygdala forward is like wiggling your finger...your middle finger. To maximize this effect, just find some big bloat and wiggle your middle finger in his face. Chances are, he will then help you click you amydala forward and backward by pounding you face into the nearby brick wall.
  2. 2. Realize though, that the amygdala stuff only it happens inside your brain instead of on the end of your arm. Wow, what a profound statement...does the author assume that we are a bunch of dumb fucks who don't know that a brain component is in the brain, and a finger on a hand...ah..duh. [edit] Do this: Wiggle your right index finger... easy, isn't it? Okay, wiggle your left big toe... easy too? Now, put your left foot out, put your left foot in, and shake it all about. Now repeat with your right foot. If you are exceptionally talented, then you will be able to do both with your right and left arms. Now, locate your amygdala ([1] This is how not to find it)... you click it forward using your frontal lobes- IMAGINE that your amygdala is like a click toggle switch- Now click the switch forward towards your forhead (sic). There! You did it. Did you feel it? If not then you can try the following to kick-start it: have a friend place a 2 X 4 on the back of your head...right where it bulges out, then have a second friend hit the 2 X 4 with a hammer. Feel it now? Good for you. [edit] What clicking the amygdala can do for YOU You will learn how to click your amygdala forward and turn on genius levels of creativity, intelligence, pleasure, and even ESP in 1/10 the amount of time that students took to learn back in the early days of our brain research. Yea, we have all kinds of anecdotal evidence about what we did back then while sitting around eating acid, watching the flames of the camp fire leap toward the heavens, with Jimi playing...it happened, it is real and it really did happen...we just can't find the data. Maybe we used it to roll the blunts...damn. Think of the most fantastic, exhilarating, or happiest moment of your life. Yea, remember when you first got laid...that is it. Shot your wad in your pants before she even got the zipper down, but that was then and now is now. You have moved on and now suffer from premature ejaculation. Now multiply that times a thousand, or ten thousand. Or a million. That's what it feels like when you POP! your frontal lobes. For real. Now, go change your pants. This sends energy all the way through your brain. Transcendence is "in" your frontal lobes. To get a good feeling of what it feels like to send energy through your brain then start with a pair of jumper cables...connect the red end (that is positive) to the shaved spot on the top of your head, and connect the black end (that is negative) to your tongue. You may want to keep the car running while you do this...doesn't it feel so, so good? For a different kind of kick, try connecting the jumpers to your anus and tongue...WOW-WOW-WOW. The frontal lobes are the most advanced part of your brain. Kind of like the fillet mignon of the brain, only without the red salsa. The frontal lobes are that part of your brain responsible for creativity, logic, intuition, new problem solving (as opposed to "old",) the synthesis of ideas, imagination, concepts of time, sexual fantasy, the planning of bank jobs, and they give you the ability to paint with brushes instead of your fingers. Only by possessing frontal lobes can you fantasize about having sex with the babe on TV. If you are really good, you can take your tool in hand and masturbate simultaneously...yes, you have just multi-tracked. Multi-tracking is another attribute of the frontal lobes, as is species telepathy (maybe she will know.) By clicking your amygdala forward, you cause electro-chemical activity to occur from the base of your brain all the way through to the most advanced part of your brain, the frontal lobes. Say what? Oh, you mean that an electro-chemical charge will travel via the neural nets to the higher brain regions
  3. 3. called the pre-frontal cortex? (Yea, we gotta come in and correct these non-scientist trying to play scientists every once in awhile so that the common folk know what the fuck is being said.) Clicking your amygdala forward, self-stimulating the front portion of your amygdala, causes automatic sensations of pleasure and peace of mind. (Is this is awkward sentence or not?) Self- stimulation is a technique practiced by many species. "Whoa" you say. "I say a whoa!" "Whoa" Yes, we are leading up to...IMAGINE...The best day of my life times a million." Okay, but I wanna eat dinner now. Forget about dinner, just think of the best day of your life times a million-zillion-tilion-upsiillion! That is a lot of feel good, so much feel good that you might just shoot your wad out of your frontal lobes. Splat! Right smack onto the face of God. Well okay, let's examine this popping phenomenon in another more plausible fashion that shouldn't be too hard to accept as a possibility....why do I feel like this guy is talking down to me? Anyway, to fully understand "popping" will require: 1 4-quart pan, a bag of popcorn, and some oil. Pour the corn into the pot and cover the corn with oil...make sure the oil just covers the corn, no more or no less. Now, place lid on the pan, and put the pan on a hot burner or campfire. In a bit you will hear a sound...an explosive sound...that is "popping." Imagine that going on in your head while watching your favorite movie. Holy Bat-Poop Batman! Imagine the most fun you've ever had, or more to the point, the best feeling you've ever experienced. Got it? Now imagine figuring out how to feel this feeling...you grasp it in your hand while...oh, I digress. Back to what we are trying to say...that's not too hard to accept now is it? The figuring out how good it feels to feel the best feeling that you have ever felt in this feeling filled life of yours? No, but thinking about all of those good feelings has produced something rather hard in my pants. Has my amygdala created a "Count Dick-u-la?" Imagine this feeling happening not once, not once a week, but every week? How about every day for the rest of your life? Holy crap-o-la. A woody that lasts 24/7. Wow! [edit] What would you do with FREE MONEY? Ah, buy something? Are you going to give me some free money? You could exchange that money for goods and services...no shit. Or perhaps you would like to roll around naked in that money...oh sure, and while I am at it I will use it to wipe my ass. Am I right? Am I right? YES. SEE??!!??! What? What? What are you fucking talking about? When you learn brain self-control, you pop your frontal lobes...time to take the pan off the stove now, but please tell me what happened to the "free money." Were you pulling my chain? This is a honest-to-goodness physiological brain function, and you got a honest-to-goodness pot of pop corn. Both pleasure intensity and frequency becomes your reality. Add a full belly, and you have Nirvana. And it is just the tip of the iceberg...clichés are wonderful. Frontal lobes transcendence is the addition of increased frontal lobes activity** to the point where only positive pleasurable emotions are felt. You can now just ignore all of the bad things in the world...rape, murder, famine, poverty, etc., are no longer real. Hence, they no longer exists because like Descartes said: "I think, therefore I am." I say: "If I thinks it doesn't exist then it doesn't exist." Fantasy becomes reality, and reality becomes fantasy. This is a result of a higher perception and distortion of reality that results in a more successful mode of operation for (sic) the individual in the environment. (**Don't ask how one can "transcend" something and how that
  4. 4. something can remain active simultaneously...only those pseudo-scientists can answer such mumbo-jumbo.) [edit] Reiteration By continually self-stimulating the most advanced anterior portion of your brain- your frontal lobes, by "clicking your amygdala forward"- you get continuous creative intelligence pleasure. Another form of self-simulation is masturbation. To find the appropriate organ, merely place your hand down the front of your pants...that is it baby. Now, stroke away until you attain Cosmic bliss. Note for the males: You can use the cloud techniques below to help you clean-up the mess without using one tissue...ah, the wonders of modern brain science! Clicking your amygdala forward is simple and very easy once you understand how your brain works and recognise the process. It has been there since the day you were born...no shit, you mean magical brain parts just didn't come into existence the first time I wanked? Your sexual organ is even easier to recognize and has been there since you were born. Frontal lobes fun is made possible by EFFORTLESS EFFORT, the increased use of the brain potential already existing inside your head. Likewise, find a good playmate and he/she will also be able to perform unparalleled potential with EFFORTLESS EFFORT on your "head," possibly by giving head. Hmmm, is EFFORTLESS EFFORT like a CIRCLE-LESS CIRCLE? Yes, it is and both produce the same results that one could expect from participating in a CIRCLE JERK! Your brain will run like an efficient, cool run, natural machine...what is that you are trying to say? You will feel good, and your ability to function and solve problems is tremendously enhanced. Frustration, anger, fear, pain, and other negative feelings are reduced tremendously or even eliminated by your frontal lobes. You "drive around" negative emotions as easily as you drive around obstacles in the road, once you learn how to see forward with your frontal lobes. Just as a child learns how to walk and outgrows falling down, you will outgrow falling down emotions once you learn some basic facts about how your brain works. [edit] And at the same time Your ability to concentrate on your goals, think clearly and act more intelligently in your own behalf and for others is tremendously increased. You transcend, rise above and beyond, and eliminate bad feelings and the "problems" of life. And thy shit shall become holy...Holy Shit! [edit] Brain Travel Brain Travel - this is another name for what is commonly referred to as "remote viewing" or "astral travel". This is the ability to have your mind someplace your body isn't. When you are able to click your amygdala forward, it is an elementary thing to switch on the remote/astral travel components of your brain, which reside primarily in the frontal lobes. Some legitimate
  5. 5. research has shown that this can actually be done with accurate perception of objects and thoughts hidden and distant to the observer. [edit] How to Brain Travel Brain Travel is most easily done when the immediate environment, both physical and psychic is quiet and undisturbed. This means, little or no traffic noise, TV, and certainly no little kids running around the house. Perfect quiet is ideal. (However, when you are practised at Brain Travel, however, you'll find you can even do it on the city bus if necessary.) Use good headphones for the best results. Cheap computer speakers will not do at all and the effect will be GREATLY reduced, if not altogether eliminated. Really good computer speakers may work, but again, not as good as phones which will also filter out any minor noise that will distract from the experience. It is important to hear all the nuances and frequencies of the recording. Your out-of-body Brain Travel experience facilitated by the sound/music input will be only as high quality as the care you take to get things right. Adjust the volume level on your computer after the first minute so it is loud but not disturbingly loud. Some good volume is necessary. You want it dark so the only stimulation to your brain comes from your ears and from the lights inside your frontal lobes. [edit] Cloud bursting You have pre-existing circuits in your brain for psychic and telekinetic powers. They are in a dormant (currently unused) area of your brain. Yes, there is scientific evidence that vast dormant regions of the brain exist...how else can we explain GW Bush? By learning how to click your amygdala forward, you can activate these areas easily and quickly. A quicker method is to get a 10 pound magnet, rotate the magnet around the top of your head in a counter-clock wise direction. You can change clouds, maybe even the weather, with your mind. This is the CLOUD CENTER of your brain...ever feel "cloudy headed?" Yup, it is real and you read it here first. If you practice this trick enough then you may be able to change that ugly beast of a gal next door into something that not only your dog would hump, but you would be willing to do the same. [edit] Here is what you are going to do Go outside on any nice day. You want to pick a day in which there are common cumulus clouds in the sky. These are the white puffy cotton candy type clouds, that naturally evaporate on their own. Not super dense hard-edged or rain clouds, since these clouds will not evaporate on their own. Look for clouds with soft edges that look like they are already beginning to disappear. These are easiest to start with, since the same phenomenon will occur regardless of your presence...but, just forget about that because we want you to feel like you are really doing something magical. You want to pick a day where there is a good amount of blue space visible between the clouds, about a fifty percent area of blue space to clouds, maybe a little more sky. Yes, space is blue ladies and gentlemen. You are looking for a lot of blue space, because this insures that there is less moisture content in the surrounding cloud area. This little trick will also help if it is a hot, dry day since this will insure that the cloud of little integrity will evaporate.
  6. 6. Pick a day when there is no wind. Wind interferes with this game since telepathic powers are influenced by physical phenomenon, and makes your job pretty much impossible. This is especially true if you are trying to do this little trick while wind surfing. If the cloud cover is too dense so that the clouds are grey (sic), or too far away this won't work either. Also, find an area where you won't be distracted or disturbed...a dark closet would be ideal. If people are watching you, or if there is a lot of noise around you, it will not only ruin your concentration but they will be there to remind you that "nothing fucking happened." Also, if you are new at this, and you feel like you are under pressure to perform, forget it. Please keep in mind that only you will be able to see this trick unfold, but don't let anyone tell you that it didn't happen. By God, if that one guy could move mountains then surely you can help a dissolving cloud dissolve. [edit] Now what? What you are going to do is vaporize specific clouds in the sky that you choose and pick at random. Here is how you do it: 1. Sit or stand or lay prone on a cactus, preferably in an open area where you can see good amount of open sky. Too many trees around you can interfere. Don't worry about skyscrapers though...just pretend that they are big ass fire hydrants. Make sure you follow the previous requirements. 1. Click your amygdala forward, rotate the magnet CCW, and make sure you are in a positive and open state of mind. If you have a problem attaining an open mind, then the latest RonCo can-opener may be all that you need. This is important. If your amygdala is clicked backwards and in a negative and/or closed state of awareness, forget it, this won't work...keep rotating the magnet. Breath slowly and deeply, but totally relaxed and naturally. Keep breathing, now faster, Faster, FASTER, oh, oh, oohh I cumming...oops, my bad, wrong story. Anyway, let's get serious again. 1. Pick out a specific separate cloud. If you are lucky the cloud will be wearing a name tag. Ideally, pick one than has other clouds next to it or surrounding it, so you can compare your efforts. Pick a small cloud to start with, something about the size of your outstretched hand or smaller. Yea, we know, it is a small cloud. The problem is that if you find a cloud the size of car or house, then it will take longer for the natural evaporation process to occur. This will destroy your self-confidence and any semblance of magic. Pick a cloud directly above you or nearly to start, so you know it is nearby. If the cloud is off in the distance then run as fast as you can to catch-up to it. Please consult a physician before chasing a cloud, and for heavens sake do not tell him why you are chasing the cloud or he may put you on anti-psychotics. On second thought, don't consult a doctor. If you are dumb enough to do this then you deserve to win a Darwin Award. As you practice, you can move on to bigger clouds, and ones that are farther away. When you get really good, then you can turn on the tea pot and form little baby rain clouds above your stove. 1. Visualise (sic) energy flowing from your frontal lobes out towards the cloud, and visualise (sic) it vaporizing and disappearing from the sky. You can visualise (sic)that you are increasing the heat in the vicinity of this cloud, causing the water vapour(sic) to
  7. 7. evaporate- no cloud. Be sure to trust every word of those who cannot spell "visualize" and "vapor." 1. Remain unattached to your results and efforts, as if you really don't care whether or not this works. Chances are it will not work, but it is fun to play God. Relax, let the energy flow, and wait. If you strain, grit your teach, tense your muscles, or mentally make effort it just interferes with this process and may lead to evacuation of the bowels. Remember, you click your amygdala forward with a feather, not a hammer. This is really easy to do, easier than walking up a flight of steps. Yes, we are talking to all of you out there in wheel-chairs, the elderly, and those of you with amputated legs. 1. A cloud about the size of your outstretched closed hand will take from four to eight minutes to completely disappear. This is about the normal rate of evaporation for a small cloud. Your chosen cloud will vaporize, and surrounding clouds, no matter how close they are, will remain completely unaffected. Watch out though, those surrounding clouds may get mad and zap you with a bolt of lightening...Zeus does not like you fucking with his clouds either. You have been warned. [edit] Why it didn't work? This activity is so far out of the realm of conventional thinking, because it is just a little magic trick to help you believe that you are doing something that naturally occurs in nature so as to increase the positive flow of positive thoughts in that brain of yours so that you will stand tall...you will become an intellectual giant roaming amongst mental midgets. The important thing to realize is that you think you did something that is just beyond normal, everyday, comprehension.

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