Whats Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works

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How often do you face communication situations you don’t like or want? Situations that leave you feeling angry, hurt, frustrated, humiliated? If you don’t want to be striking out or sucking it up, if you don’t want to be an ass or a doormat, if you’d like to be able to handle even the most difficult situations with class and style you can be proud of (and other people will admire) - explore 'what's going on' and 'what we can do about it' at suemaree.com - loads of information for free, buy the book, contact Sue-maree for speaking engagements - keynotes, workshops & seminars at corporate, school & community events: web: suemaree.com email: suemaree@suemaree.com phone: +61 416 187834

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Whats Going On? Communication: What Hurts & What Works

  1. 1. What’s going on? Communication: What Hurts & What Works Sue-maree McEnearney Part 1: What Hurts © 2010 sue-maree mcenearney; www.suemaree.com 1 2
  2. 2. How often do you run into situations you don’t like or want? 3 4
  3. 3. People trying to push you around? 5 6
  4. 4. Acting like they know it all? 7 8
  5. 5. Judging? 9 10
  6. 6. Criticizing? 11 12
  7. 7. Shooting you down? 13 14
  8. 8. Gossiping about you? 15 16
  9. 9. How often do you feel you can’t get through to people? 17 18
  10. 10. You’re about to explode? 19 20
  11. 11. You’re cut to the core? 21 22
  12. 12. How often does it seem people don’t care? 23 24
  13. 13. And you say nothing because you ‘don’t know what to say’. 25 26
  14. 14. Or you say something you wish you hadn’t. 27 28
  15. 15. If you’d like to be able to handle situations like these without ‘striking out’ and without ‘sucking it up… without dominating or submitting… without being an… ass 29 30
  16. 16. Or a... doormat. 31 32
  17. 17. If you’d like to be able to handle yourself with class and style you can be proud of... (and other people will admire) 33 34
  18. 18. Then let’s explore what’s going on - what hurts… And what we can do about it - what works… Starting with ‘what hurts’. 35 36
  19. 19. what hurts 37 38
  20. 20. situation we When we’re faced with a don’t like or want 39 40
  21. 21. we need a way to deal with it. 41 42
  22. 22. Cope Strategies help us to cope with whatever it is that’s happening that we don’t like or want. 43 44
  23. 23. Broadly, cope strategies fall cope strategies Power Plays, Compliance Capers, Escapes into 3 groups; power plays, compliance capers and escapes. 45 46
  24. 24. Power Plays 47 48
  25. 25. Sometimes the way we cope is to power play: |ˈpou(-ə)r| |plā| manipulate/coerce/force others to do what we want using tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force people to do what we want them to do, regardless of what power plays they want (or would want if they knew the . reality of the situation). 49 50
  26. 26. For example; •Discounting •Judging •Dictating •Evaluating •Manipulating •Diverting •Confusing •Avoiding •Excluding •Deceiving •Guilting, and Here’s some examples of •Intimidating. power plays in action... 51 52
  27. 27. Discounting Discounting that a problem or options; •even exists •is significant •can be changed at all, and/or •can be changed by you! 53 54
  28. 28. Judging Sitting in judgement of others based on what the ‘judge’ considers; Right/wrong, good/bad, acceptable/unacceptable, appropriate/inappropriate. 55 56
  29. 29. Dictating Dictating to people what to do, what they ‘should’ do, and how to do it. Includes; Setting limits, rules, and making decisions, dictating permissions & injunctions. (what people ‘can’ and ‘can’t’ do) 57 58
  30. 30. Evaluating Evaluating behaviour based on the judge’s assessment of how well people ‘measure up’ against criteria set by the judge. Includes; Labeling, demonizing, idealizing. 4 59 60
  31. 31. Manipulating Manipulating behaviour using coercion &/or force. Includes; Praise & criticism, pedestals & putdowns, rewards & punishments. 61 62
  32. 32. Diverting Diverting attention to avoid responsibility and accountability. Includes; Deflecting, distracting, changing the subject, turning the tables, comparing, undoing. 63 64
  33. 33. Confusing Confusing people and/or the issue. Includes; Abuse of logic, discrediting a premise, discrediting sources, feigning shock, feigning disbelief, interrupting, fast-talking, bombarding, ambushing, hijacking, embarrassing, humiliating, reframing, redefining, baffling, Socratic questioning*. *badgering with questions to ‘force’ people to a predetermined outcome. 65 66
  34. 34. Avoiding Avoiding people and/or the issue. Includes; Evading, changing the subject, distracting with red herrings - including humour, ignoring, pretending not to hear, pretending to be asleep! withdrawing, hiding, being late, having ‘emergencies’. 67 68
  35. 35. Excluding Purposely excluding people for personal gain. Includes; Alienating and isolating using gossip, nastiness, sarcasm, arrogance. 69 70
  36. 36. Deceiving Lies of commission - fabricating information, Lies of omission - withholding information. Includes; Misleading with half truths, spinning, evasions, secrets, little white lies, bold-faced lies, whoppers, gossip, rumor, honesty passed off as a lie or a joke, bait and switch, over-promising and under-delivering, offering one thing and delivering another. 71 72
  37. 37. Guilting Preying on a persons care and concern for others to create feelings of responsibility for what isn’t their responsibility. Includes; Guilt trips, obligating, shaming 73 74
  38. 38. Intimidating Physical, verbal, mental, emotional, financial, social harm or threats of harm. Includes; Ultimatums, sarcasm, criticism, insults, labels, putdowns, denigrate, embarrass, humiliate, frighten. 75 76
  39. 39. Discounting Judging Dictating ‘power plays’ amount to Evaluating avoiding the reality of what’s going on with others Manipulating and manipulating/ Diverting coercing/forcing Confusing eek?! them to do what we want; Avoiding Excluding which means we get what we want - at others expense. Deceiving Guilting Intimidating 77 78
  40. 40. Compliance Capers 79 80
  41. 41. Sometimes the way we cope is to manipulate/coerce/force compliance caper: |kəmˈplīəns| |ˈkāpər| ourselves to do what others want using tactic used to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves compliance capers to do what we don’t want to do. . 81 82
  42. 42. For example; •Denying •Distorting •Displacing •Disowning •Deferring, and •Over-adapting. Here’s some examples of compliance capers in action... 83 84
  43. 43. Denying includes: Outright Denial “There is no problem.” “It’s not a problem.” (When there is, and it is!) 85 86
  44. 44. Distorting includes: Distort, minimize, catastrophize, intellectualize, rationalize “It’s nothing.” “There’s nothing worse!” “It’s really just a matter of perspective.” “It’s human nature.” 87 88
  45. 45. Displacing includes: Displace, blame, project, repress, regress “I’m mad at them - so you’d better watch out!” “This is all my fault.” (when it isn’t) “This is their fault.” (when it isn’t) “I can’t even think about it.” 89 90
  46. 46. Disowning includes: Disown actions and feelings, excuse self “It wasn’t me.” “It was the alcohol talking.” “I couldn’t stop myself.” “That’s just my way of coping.” “We all have issues.” 91 92
  47. 47. Deferring includes: Identify, compensate, postpone “I need a drink.” “I’ll have a nap first.” “Patience is a virtue.” “I’ll make up for it later.” 93 94
  48. 48. Over-adapting includes: Agreeing to do things we don’t have the time/energy/ desire/resources/skills to do. Taking over others responsibilities, accepting others responsibilities, ‘picking up the slack’. Ingratiating ourselves to others. Proving ourselves to others. “No trouble.” (when it is!) “Piece of cake.” (when it isn’t!) 95 96
  49. 49. Denying ‘compliance capers’ amount to avoiding the Distorting reality of what’s going on with us by manipulating/ Displacing coercing/forcing eek?! ourselves to give up Disowning what we want; in favor of others and what they want. Deferring Which means others get what they want - at our expense. Over-adapting 97 98
  50. 50. People are most likely to use compliance People are most likely to use power plays when they think they have enough power capers when they think they don’t have to get away with using them to get people enough power to get others to do what to do what they want; and they want; and/or they’re willing to get what they want they’re not willing to get what they want at the expense of others. at the expense of others. 99 100
  51. 51. Whether people are using power plays or compliance capers, they’re doing ‘something’ they seem to be ‘taking action’. The reality is they’re taking action to avoid the issue that’s creating the situation they don’t like or want. “Yes I’m taking action! Can’t you see I’m sticking my head in the sand?!” 101 102
  52. 52. The problem is they aren’t doing anything to ‘fix’ it or change it. So cope strategies are like a bandaid on a crack through a load-bearing wall. A superficial ‘fix’ for a much bigger issue. 103 104
  53. 53. Cope strategies avoid the reality of what’s going on by what’s called Displacing Rights & Responsibilities 105 106
  54. 54. We displace rights & responsibilities with dominating behaviours by; forcing our responsibilities on others 107 108
  55. 55. and taking others responsibilities from others 109 110
  56. 56. We displace rights & responsibilities with submissive behaviours by; abdicating our responsibilities to others 111 112
  57. 57. and accepting others responsibilities from others. 113 114
  58. 58. Each of these displacements creates problems. And we don’t like; Generally, we don’t like people; abdicating our responsibilities to others, and forcing their responsibilities on us, and accepting others responsibilities from others… taking our responsibilities from us… ...except if it works to our advantage! ...except if it works to our advantage! 115 116
  59. 59. In psychological terms, behaviour is classified as The problem with displacements is they passive if it ignores information relevant to displace rights & responsibilities! solving problems, and directs time and energy to avoiding them. Any advantage received in the short-term is likely to backfire in the long-term. On that basis all coping and displacing behaviours are passive. 117 118
  60. 60. When we avoid our problems rather than solving them, they continue, and very often get worse. That means we continue to do things we don’t want to do, accept what we don’t want to accept, and suffer consequences we don’t like or want - which affect our quality of life - destructive to our health, happiness and well-being, our productivity and our relationships. 119 120
  61. 61. Why would we do that to ourselves? 121 122
  62. 62. Survival Instinct 123 124
  63. 63. Our most basic instinct is survival. Our subconscious is constantly scanning our environment with a focus on survival: Am I safe? Am I at risk? Am I in danger of being attacked? Is this situation threatening to me? Physically, mentally, emotionally, socially &/or financially? 125 126
  64. 64. The sources of power we have to ‘protect’ ourselves include; physical, verbal, mental, emotional and spiritual powers. They include; money, knowledge, connections, position, status, age, health, strength, beauty, sexuality, beliefs, attitudes, talents, intelligence, experience, skills, wisdom. 127 128
  65. 65. On that basis we choose what we think is our best When we perceive a threat, we instinctively assess option to ‘protect’ ourselves and survive; the power we have that’s relevant to the situation incomparison to our perception of freeze, fight, or flee? the power possessed by the ‘threat’. Hope they don’t see us, attack or withdraw? Blend in, advance or retreat? 129 130
  66. 66. In everyday interactions we use this concept of comparison to rank people into a hierarchy or ‘pecking order’ that reflects how much ‘power’ we think people have relative to others, at that time, in that situation. 131 132
  67. 67. The result is people constantly comparing themselves to others, judging and evaluating who’s stronger/smarter/ better/more important/more powerful… and therefor In the Competition Culture, people; most likely to get what they want. This assessment of power and place in a hierarchy leads dominate those they perceive as having less power, & people to take positions of domination and submit to those they perceive as having more power. submission in relation to others. 133 134
  68. 68. In a given context; When people think they have enough power to ‘go after’ what they want, and are willing to get it at the expense of others, they generally feel ‘safe’ to dominate to get what they want - using power plays. 135 136
  69. 69. When people feel threatened by a situation thinking they don’t have enough power to ‘go after’ what they want (or they have, but they’re not willing to get it at the expense of others!), they take a position of submission: choosing to ‘give up’ what they want and ‘give in’ to others and what they want - using compliance capers. 137 138
  70. 70. The result: Those with more power, and who are willing to Those with less power, and who are willing to give get what they want at the expense of others, get up what they want in favor of others, get less of more of what they want, and enjoy what they want, and are deprived and privileges and advantages disadvantaged in favor of others. at the expense of others. 139 140
  71. 71. This is the dynamic of a Competition Culture; where people use power as a destructive force, making comparisons and ‘competing’ to get what they want; forcing what they want when they have the power to get it, and relinquishing what they want when they don’t. It’s a dynamic of domination and submission, exploiting and being exploited. 141 142
  72. 72. Of course, competition has value, for example in Sports and the Arts. When people compete in sports there are clearly defined rules to ensure safety and a level playing field. If we want to play the game, we agree to play by the rules and submit to adjudications of umpires expert in the rules of the game. They ensure no-one gets hurt and no-one receives advantage at the expense of others - and penalties are imposed if they do. 143 144
  73. 73. The same principles apply in the arts. If we want to participate, we agree to the rules of the competition and submit to the assessment of judges chosen for their expertise - who ‘judge’ our performance. Usually against specified criteria. 145 146
  74. 74. In our everyday interactions with others we don’t have the luxuries of clearly defined rules to ensure safety and a level playing field. We don’t have umpires and judges to ensure no-one gets hurt or exploited. 147 148
  75. 75. People get hurt when; what one person thinks is foul, another person thinks is fair. 149 150
  76. 76. The Competition ‘off the field’ Let’s take a closer look at how competition hurts when it’s played ‘off the field’... 151 152
  77. 77. Round 1 Sizing Up The Competition 153 154
  78. 78. When we want something from someone or someone wants something from us; (a) We use comparison and hierarchy to ‘size each other up’ - to do an assessment of our (i) go after what we want, or power to get what we want relative to others. (ii) give up what we want. (b) On the basis of whether we think we can compete and ‘win’ we make decisions as to whether, and how to; 155 156
  79. 79. When we go after what we want we get more of what we want in life. When we go after what we want at the expense of others - using power plays to manipulate/ coerce/force them to do what we want - we’re exploiting them. 157 158
  80. 80. When we give up what we want we get less of what we want in life. When we give up what we want in favor of others - using compliance capers to manipulate/coerce/force ourselves to give up what we want - we allow others to exploit us. 159 160
  81. 81. When people decide to go about getting what they want using power plays Round 2 the people on the receiving end often end up feeling... The Power Play 161 162
  82. 82. tied in knots... at breaking point… even TOC TOC 163 164
  83. 83. smashed. Know these feelings? TOC 165 166
  84. 84. People who dish it out are likely to think they’re a ‘big shot’. 167 168
  85. 85. They rationalize their dominating behaviour; “Well, I’m the boss/parent!” “That’s my job!” “It’s for their own good!” “I know best!” “I’m entitled!” “If they can’t stand up for themselves, that’s their problem!” 169 170
  86. 86. People on the receiving end are likely to think they’re an… ass. 171 172
  87. 87. Whatever justification people think they have, whatever rationalizations they make; when they take an attitude of superiority to others that looks even remotely like this... 173 174
  88. 88. people on the receiving end are usually thinking something like this. 175 176
  89. 89. When we’re on the receiving end of a power play we Round 3 have a choice to make as to how we respond to it. The choices that cause the problems are to: Responding to Power Plays 177 178
  90. 90. escalate and get into a power struggle 179 180
  91. 91. block and end up in a stalemate or a standoff 181 182
  92. 92. submit and give in or give up. 183 184
  93. 93. We make our choice depending on our assessment of how much power we think we have relative to others… & Whatever choice we make, our willingness to do what it takes to compete and we rationalize it: get what we want at the expense of others. 185 186
  94. 94. Rationalizing escalation & blocking Rationalizing submission “They’ve got no right to push me around!” “I didn’t want to make a scene.” “They’re not going to push me around & get away with it!” “It wasn’t worth making a big deal out of it.” “They need to know not to try that again!” “It’s just easier if I do it myself.” “They need to be taken down a peg or two.” “Anything to keep the peace.” “Who do they think they are?!” “I didn’t want to rock the boat.” “Don’t they know who I am?!” 187 188
  95. 95. Whichever way it goes, it’s a competition Depending on the person and the situation; with winners and losers. 189 190
  96. 96. The ‘winner’ may feel; smug over their ‘victory’ gloating because they think taking advantage of people makes them ‘smart’; “I got ‘em!” 191 192
  97. 97. or guilty they’ve thrown their weight around knowing they got what they wanted at the expense of others; “I’m a bad boss/parent/partner/person!” 193 194
  98. 98. The ‘loser’ may feel; angry they’re doing what they don’t want to do, or accepting what they don’t want to accept; “That’s not fair!” “Who do you think you are, anyway?!” “You think you’re better than me?!” 195 196
  99. 99. even when they hide it; “I’m fine.” “Really.” “I said I’m fine!” 197 198
  100. 100. or superior with patronizing and condescending thoughts and comments like; “They don’t know any better.” “They’re doing the best they can.” “I’d never stoop so low as to treat people like that.” “I prefer to take the high road.” (Because I’m so much better than them!) 199 200
  101. 101. In another version of the competition people don’t tell us what they want; “I shouldn’t have to tell them!” “They should know!” 201 202
  102. 102. then get mad or sad when they don’t get it! 203 204
  103. 103. Round 4 Fallout 205 206
  104. 104. Whichever side of the equation we’re on, the competition creates hard feelings that drive people apart. 207 208
  105. 105. The hard feelings don’t just disappear. They have to ‘go’ somewhere or be ‘dealt with’ somehow. In the competition culture hard feelings are; • directed outwards - which punishes others, or • directed inwards - which punishes ourselves. 209 210
  106. 106. When hard feelings are directed outwards we use power plays When hard feelings are directed inwards to ‘strike out’ and/or ‘get back’ at people; we use compliance capers to ‘bottle it up’ and/or ‘make excuses’ for people; to punish others. which means we punish ourselves. Also known as payback. 211 212
  107. 107. Punishments create even more hard feelings which lead to more displacing and more coping ...and the cycle continues! 213 214
  108. 108. And when it all gets too much for us… we look for ways to take our mind off it… let off steam... release the pressure… to relax... to feel better… to escape . Some of the ways we escape are to; 215 216
  109. 109. run away... from home, work people, situations 217 218
  110. 110. sleep wishing we could wake up when it’s all over 219 220
  111. 111. vent 221 222
  112. 112. eat 223 224
  113. 113. drink 225 226
  114. 114. do drugs 227 228
  115. 115. have sex 229 230
  116. 116. shop 231 232
  117. 117. work out 233 234
  118. 118. over work 235 236
  119. 119. Run Away Sleep When we turn our attention and energy to ‘escapes’ to deal with our Vent pray discomfort we avoid dealing with Eat change jobs the reality that’s creating the discomfort. Drink change partners. The ‘escapes’ make us ‘feel better’ in Do Drugs And the ultimate no-turning-back escape; the short-term. If they work for us, they may become ‘patterns’ and Have Sex suicide. sometimes ‘addictions’ which can make us feel much worse in the Shop longer-term. Work Out Over Work 237 238
  120. 120. This competition culture plays out in predictable ways on a daily basis. The behaviours of competition - what we do Behaviours of and the language of competition - what we say Competition reflect and reveal comparison and hierarchy, What We Do domination and submission. 239 240
  121. 121. Behaviours of domination play out when people take a hierarchy position of dominance to get what they want at the expense of others. Specific behaviours that reflect and reinforce domination include; 241 242
  122. 122. DYSFUNCTION DYSFUNCTION ZONE ZONE Making Assumptions about others Making & Imposing Limits, Rules & Decisions on others Drawing Conclusions about others Demanding Compliance & Obedience from others Forcing Responsibilities on others Enforcing Compliance with Rewards & Punishments. Taking Responsibilities from others Taking Priority over others 243 244
  123. 123. Behaviours of submission play out when people take a hierarchy position of submission and give up what they want, at their own expense/in favor of others. Specific behaviours that reflect and reinforce submission include; 245 246
  124. 124. DYSFUNCTION DYSFUNCTION ZONE ZONE Accepting/Submitting to Assumptions made by Others Accepting/Submitting to Limits, Rules & Decisions Made & Imposed by Others Accepting/Submitting to Conclusions drawn by Others Accepting/Submitting to Demands to Comply & Obey Accepting & Fulfilling Responsibilities of Others Accepting/Submitting to Enforcements Abdicating Responsibilities to Others Granted/Imposed by Others. Accepting/Submitting to Deferral by Others 247 248
  125. 125. Language of Competition What We Say 249 250
  126. 126. Specific language patterns that reflect and reinforce domination and submission include; The language of competition plays out when people take hierarchy positions of dominance - to get what they want at the expense of others, and I? Asking ‘I’ Questions submission - to give up what they want in favor of others, and at their own expense. I! Making ‘I’ Statements U! Making ‘U’ Statements 251 252
  127. 127. I? Asking ‘I’ Questions 253 254
  128. 128. I? I? Asking ‘I’ Questions - is dominating when it; Asking ‘I’ Questions - is submissive when it; • Patronizes & condescends to others: • Seeks approval/validation from others - inviting them to judge us/our ‘performance’: “So I’m going to .….…… , am I?” “Did I do good?” “Do I look good?” “Do I meet your standards?” “Do I get your approval?” • Seeks permission to act from others - giving them control over what we get to do: “Can I …?” “May I …?” “Please, pleeeeease?!” 255 256
  129. 129. WE? WE? These same principles apply to the collective in the form of Asking ‘WE’ Questions - is submissive when it; ‘WE’ Questions; • Seeks approval/validation from others - inviting them to judge group ‘performance’: Asking ‘WE’ Questions - is dominating when it; “Did we do good?” • Patronizes & condescends to others: “Do we look good?” “Do we meet your standards?” “So we’re going to .….…… , are we?” “Do we get your approval?” • Seeks permission to act from others - giving them control over what the group gets to do: “Can we …?” “May we …?” “Please, pleeeeease?!” 257 258
  130. 130. I! Making ‘I’ Statements 259 260
  131. 131. I! I! Making ‘I’ Statements - is dominating when it; Making ‘I’ Statements - is submissive when it; • Forces the speakers view to the exclusion of other views - • Relinquishes the speakers view in favor of others views - without discussion, understanding & agreement: without discussion, understanding & agreement: “I want this!” “It doesn’t matter what I want!” “What I say goes!” (when it does!) “The decision’s made!” “I’m happy to do whatever you want!” (I made it!) (when we’re not!) •Manipulates - for example, with guilt - without discussion, understanding & agreement: “After all I’ve done for you!” 261 262
  132. 132. WE! WE! These same principles apply to the collective in the form of Making ‘WE’ Statements - is submissive when it; ‘WE’ Statements; • Relinquishes the group view in favor of others views - Making ‘WE’ Statements - is dominating when it; without discussion, understanding & agreement: • Forces the group view to the exclusion of other views - “It doesn’t matter what we want!” without discussion, understanding & agreement: (when it does!) “Well we want this!” “We’re happy to do whatever you want!” “What we say goes!” (when we’re not!) •Manipulates - for example, with guilt - without discussion, understanding & agreement: “After all we’ve done for you!” 263 264
  133. 133. U! Making ‘U’ Statements 265 266
  134. 134. U! U! Making ‘U’ Statements - is dominating when it; Making ‘U’ Statements - is submissive when it; • Dictates to others what to do - without discussion, • Relinquishes the speakers view in favor of others views - understanding & agreement: without discussion, understanding & agreement: “You’re doing this!” “Whatever you say!” “You should be doing this!” “You know best!” “You going to do it like this!” “You need to do this!” (do they? how do you know?) •Judges and labels others - without discussion, understanding & agreement: “You’re useless!” “You’re fabulous!” “This is what you are!” (I’m judging what you are) 267 268
  135. 135. WE! WE! Making ‘WE’ Statements - is dominating when it; Making ‘WE’ Statements - is submissive when it; • Dictates to others what to do - without discussion, • Relinquishes the group view in favor of others views - without understanding & agreement: discussion, understanding & agreement: “We’re doing this!” “We’ll do it your way!” “We should be doing this!” “We’ll do whatever you want!” “We’re going to do it like this!” “We’ll defer to you!” “We need to do this!” “We trust you to know better than us!” •Judges and labels others - without discussion, understanding & (do they? how can we be sure?) agreement: “We’re useless!” “We’re fabulous!” “This is what we are!” (I’m judging what we are) 269 270
  136. 136. Competition Culture All these behaviours and language patterns add up to a Competition Culture... 271 272
  137. 137. Even when it’s not our intention, we’re buying into the competition culture every time we take hierarchy positions in relation to others. 273 274
  138. 138. When we displace rights & responsibilities by; • forcing our responsibilities on others • taking others responsibilities from others • abdicating our responsibilities to others • accepting responsibilities from others. 275 276
  139. 139. Use cope strategies to; • power play, and We end up punishing; • compliance caper. • others and/or And when it all gets too much, to; • ourselves. • escape. 277 278
  140. 140. Whether we’re dominating or submitting Whether we’re dominating or submitting we’re operating on a ‘one-way’ basis; we’re operating on a ‘one-way’ basis; •dominating to force what we want for personal benefit; •submitting to relinquish what we want for others benefit; Force Relinquish “I want what I want, and “It doesn’t matter what I want, I don’t care what you want!” I’ll just do what you want!” 279 280
  141. 141. Sometimes we’re just trying to protect ourselves; when our ‘protections’ are harsh others get hurt 281 282
  142. 142. when our ‘protections’ are lenient we get hurt. 283 284
  143. 143. It’s easy to see how we end up with conflict and alienation. 285 286
  144. 144. When what we really want is understanding and connection. 287 288
  145. 145. With so much at stake, why do people choose to get what they want by dominating with power plays? And give up what they want by submitting with compliance capers? 289 290
  146. 146. Why people dominate with Power Plays: (a) They know exactly what they’re doing and they get off on the power trip (b) They know they’re doing it and they think it makes them smart and confident (c) They know they’re doing it and they want to stop but they don’t know what to do instead (d) They make efforts to stop but in the heat of the moment they fall back on old habits (e) They have no idea they’re doing it and when they find out they’re shocked. 291 292
  147. 147. Why people submit with Compliance Capers: (a) They know exactly what they’re doing and they’re scared of the consequences if they don’t (b) They know they’re doing it and they think it makes them ‘nice’ and a good person (c) They know they’re doing it and they want to stop but they don’t know what to do instead (d) They make efforts to stop but in the heat of the moment they fall back on old habits (e) They have no idea they’re doing it and when they find out they’re shocked. 293 294
  148. 148. They influence the work we do, the people we These situations can create pain and heartache for associate with, our health and happiness, and the ourselves, and others - often for many years, and if quality of our relationships - especially with our we don’t do something about it - our whole life. partners and children. 295 296
  149. 149. When we recognize domination and submission in our behaviour, it’s normal to resolve to stop it. If we swing from one position to the other, we simply swap one set of issues for another - which only serves to get us out of the frying pan and into the fire. 297 298
  150. 150. • If we replace dominating with submitting, we end up feeling angry and resentful because we’re ‘acting like an doormat’ - letting people ‘walk all over us’ and ‘taking advantage of us’ and we end up doing things we don’t want to do. • If we replace submitting with dominating, we end up feeling guilty because we’re ‘acting like an ass’ - ‘walking all over other people’ and ‘taking advantage’ by manipulating or forcing them to do what we want. “help!!!” 299 300
  151. 151. So what do we do? How do we make our way in a competitive environment without competing? 301 302
  152. 152. what works 303 304
  153. 153. Cooperation Culture 305 306
  154. 154. Imagine being able to trust people to be straight with you about what’s going on with them? And what they wanted That’s what happens when we from you? Imagine feeling safe to be straight with others about what’s going on with you? communicate on the basis of cooperation. Imagine people genuinely caring what you think and want and feel? Being genuinely interested in understanding you? That’s what happens in a Cooperation Culture. Talking things over with you? Problem-solving with you, and making agreements that work for both of you? That’s ‘what works’. Always with integrity, and respect. Good news! We know how to do this. No comparison. No hierarchy. No competing. No dominating. No submitting. No exploiting. No payback. 307 308
  155. 155. To cooperate when it doesn’t come naturally, it helps to Cooperation comes naturally when we use the understand more about the Cooperation Culture, transparent, open, honest, respectful, communication specifically the; of equality to; • Principles of Cooperation • Exchange information for mutual understanding by; • Attitudes of Cooperation • Sharing what’s going on with us • Process of Cooperation • Caring what’s going on with others, and • Behaviours of Cooperation, and • Problem-solve & make agreements for mutual benefit. • Language of Cooperation. 309 310
  156. 156. Cooperation is based on principles of; Principles of • equality, and Cooperation • problem-solving for mutual benefit. 311 312
  157. 157. equality noun the state of being equal, esp. in status, rights, and opportunities. 313 314
  158. 158. When people act on the basis of equality; Equality between people exists when people and what they think and want, are valued and respected equally: !e "ghts and responsibilities, wants and needs of Regardless of how old they are, what sex they are, how much money they have, the state of their health, where they’re each person are valued and respected equally - from, what they believe, their experiences, their responsibilities & their ‘positions’. receiving equal care and a%ention. • When others treat us with equality; they care as much about what’s going on with us and what we want, as they do When people act on the basis of hierarchy; about what’s going on with them and what they want. • When we treat others with equality; we care as much about The rights and responsibilities, wants and needs of what’s going on with them and what they want, as we do people with more power take priority over about what’s going on with us and what we want. those of people with less power. 315 316
  159. 159. problem-solving verb problem-solving occurs when a system acts to move from a given state to a desired goal state. 317 318
  160. 160. Problem-solving for mutual benefit occurs Problem-solving when each person affected by a situation has the in the Cooperation Culture differs from problem- opportunity to exchange information about what’s solving in the Competition Culture in relation to; going on with them, with the objective of everyone understanding each other, and as a group, problem- • The people involved solving, and making decisions and agreements for • The outcome focus, and mutual benefit. • Perception of mutual benefit. 319 320
  161. 161. Problem-solving: Problem-solving: The People Involved The Outcome Focus • In the Competition Culture, those with the power • In the Competition Culture, problem-solving is for make and impose the decisions. personal benefit. • In the Cooperation Culture, everyone affected is • In the Cooperation Culture, problem-solving is for involved in making decisions. mutual benefit. 321 322
  162. 162. Problem-solving: Mutual Benefit • In the Competition Culture what passes as ‘mutual benefit’ seeks advantage for specific individuals/ groups/environments at the expense of other Power & Trust in the individuals/groups/environments. • In the Cooperation Culture mutual benefit extends Cooperation Culture beyond those directly involved in a situation and considers the broader effects of proposed actions on other individuals/groups/environments. 323 324
  163. 163. power trust noun noun the ability to do something or act in a particular way, esp. as a firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of faculty or quality. someone or something. 325 326
  164. 164. When we use power on the basis of competition we use it to achieve advantage over others, When we operate on the basis of competition, exploiting them for personal benefit. trust is destroyed. When we use power on the basis of cooperation When we operate on the basis of cooperation, we’re transparent about the power we have and use it trust builds. in agreement with others for mutual benefit. 327 328
  165. 165. • The more confidence we have in others to use their power on the basis of cooperation rather than competition - the more we trust them. • The more confidence others have that we use our power on the basis of cooperation rather than competition - the more likely they’ll trust us. 329 330
  166. 166. Attitudes of Cooperation The Principles of Cooperation are the foundation which support the Attitudes of Cooperation... 331 332
  167. 167. Any time we’re being naturally cooperative the attitudes of cooperation are natural reactions to what’s going on; Sometimes we might be surprised or caught off guard and think people are joking - when they’re not. We’re calm... maybe confused… we’re curious to In keeping with the ‘c’ theme, let’s call this reaction… understand... we care... we connect... and converse with people about what’s going on. Comic Calm, Confused, Curious, Care, Connect, Converse 333 334
  168. 168. If we’re feeling threatened… So when we’re faced with a situation we making a conscious choice to use these reactions helps us be cooperative when it doesn’t come naturally. don’t like or want... 335 336
  169. 169. For example; people using power plays to manipulate/coerce/force us to do what they want; imagine responding like this... discounting, judging, dictating, evaluating, manipulating, diverting, confusing, avoiding, excluding, deceiving, guilting & intimidating; 337 338
  170. 170. Comic “Hahaha!” “Funny!” 339 340
  171. 171. Calm “You’re not joking?” “Sorry.” “I thought you were joking!” 341 342
  172. 172. Confused “What?” “Sorry?” “Excuse me?” “I don’t understand!” 343 344
  173. 173. Curious “What’s going on?” “What’s this about?” “What’s happening?” “What am I missing?” “What is this?” 345 346
  174. 174. Care “Are you ok?” “Is there a problem?” “Is this a problem for you?” “Do you have a problem with this?” “Yes? Oh! What is it?” 347 348
  175. 175. Connect “I’m sorry.” “I didn’t know.” “I had no idea.” “I didn’t realize.” “I hadn’t heard.” 349 350
  176. 176. Converse “Let’s talk it over?” “Let’s work it out?!” “Let’s find a way to make this work for both of us?!” 351 352
  177. 177. When people communicate on the basis of cooperation they’re operating on a ‘two-way’ basis. Each person; •shares what’s going on with them, they; Let People Know “Here’s what’s going on with me!” •cares what’s going on with others, they; Check It Out “What’s going on with you?” “Is this what’s going on with you?” And problem-solves for mutual benefit. 353 354
  178. 178. Process of Cooperation These Attitudes of Cooperation support the Process of Cooperation... 355 356
  179. 179. process of cooperation The process of cooperation in 3 basic steps; 1. Initiate Cooperation jhffhkjsh 2. Exchange Information An Invitation to Cooperate for Mutual Understanding 3. Make Agreements for Mutual Benefit 357 358
  180. 180. 1. Initiate Cooperation An Invitation to Cooperate Invitation We initiate cooperation with an ‘invitation to cooperate’. This ‘lets people know’ we’d like to cooperate and ‘checks out with “I’d like to talk it over and them’ whether they’re willing to do the same. find a way to make it work for both of us.” “How about we talk about this and RSVP find a way to make it work for both of us?” By their RSVP we know whether they’re willing to engage on the basis of cooperation. “Let’s talk about this and find a way to make it work for both of us!” 359 360
  181. 181. 2. Exchange Information We exchange information back and forth to generate mutual understanding by; Sharing what’s going on with us; expressing & clarifying what’s going on with us Caring what’s going on with others; enquiring & confirming what’s going on with others 361 362
  182. 182. • Whatever’s going on with us, we “let people know” Let People Know “Here’s what’s going on with me!” “I think we need to … .” “What do you think … ?” “I see this as … .” • Whatever we think is going on with others, we “check it out” “How do you see it … ?” Check It Out “Here’s what I know about this … .” “What’s going on with you?” “What do you know about this … ?” “Is this what’s going on with you?” “Here’s my experience of this … .” “What’s your experience of this … ?” 363 364
  183. 183. 3. Make Agreements The back and forth exchange of information continues into problem-solving & making agreements for mutual benefit. We; Collaborate on options to explore and evaluate options Create agreements for mutual benefit, and Confirm agreements so everyone’s clear on rights & responsibilities. 365 366
  184. 184. • collaborate on options - to explore and evaluate options; • create agreements - for mutual benefit; “Here’s some options I see.” “We could … ?!” “Here’s my thoughts/ideas.” “How about we … ?!” “And how we could make them work for both of us.” “What about we do this … ?!” “What options do you see?” “What do you think?!” “What are your thoughts/ideas?” “How do you want to do this?!” “And how do you see them working for both of us?” “What other options might there be?!” “What else could we do?!” “And how do we make them work for both of us?” 367 368
  185. 185. • confirm agreements - so everyone’s clear on rights & responsibilities; “We’re agreed we’ll …?” “So, I’ll … , and you’ll … ?” “Yes!” “Great!” 369 370
  186. 186. Four elements form a framework for this Process of Cooperation; Framework A. Everyone Affected is Included for the Process of Cooperation B. Agree In Advance C. Accountability to the Group D. Review & Refine. 371 372
  187. 187. Framework Framework for the Process of Cooperation for the Process of Cooperation A. Everyone Affected is Included B. Agree In Advance “Including everyone affected” ensures everyone “Making agreements in advance” ensures everyone affected by the agreements has the opportunity to knows where they stand going into a situation. contribute to solving the problem and making the agreements. 373 374
  188. 188. Framework Framework for the Process of Cooperation for the Process of Cooperation C. Accountability to the Group D. Review & Refine “Accountability to the Group” ensures each person “Reviewing and refining agreements over time” takes responsibility for their individual actions and ensures any problems or issues that arise are explored are accountable to each other. and resolved. Whether problems and issues arise out of the original agreement, in light of changing needs and circumstances… and whether or not they could have been foreseen… when people are cooperating, any change that creates disadvantage is cause for review and refinement of the agreement - for mutual benefit. 375 376
  189. 189. These 4 elements increase; • the quality of the agreements • the extent to which they meet each persons needs • commitment to the agreements, and • the likelihood of success. This Process of Cooperation is supported by the Behaviours of Cooperation, and the Language of Cooperation... 377 378
  190. 190. Behaviours of Cooperation What We Do 379 380
  191. 191. Behaviours of Cooperation are based on equality. We; • exchange information for mutual understanding, and Share What’s Going On with us - we “let people know” - and clarify misunderstandings • problem-solve and make agreements for mutual benefit. Care What’s Going On with others - we “check it out” Specific behaviour patterns that reflect and reinforce - and confirm our understanding equality and cooperation are; Discuss, Problem-Solve & Agree for Mutual Benefit; Rights & Responsibilities, Limits, Rules, Decisions & Priorities. 381 382
  192. 192. Language of Cooperation What We Say 383 384
  193. 193. Language of Cooperation is based on equality. We; • exchange information for mutual understanding, and • problem-solve and make agreements for mutual benefit. I? Asking ‘I’ Questions Specific language patterns that reflect and reinforce equality and cooperation include; I! Making ‘I’ Statements U? Asking ‘U’ Questions 385 386
  194. 194. I? I? Asking ‘I’ Questions - is cooperative when it; • Makes a request of others - in relation to something that is rightly their choice and/or responsibility and/or property: “May I?” “May I borrow your …?” This same principle applies to the collective in the form of ‘I’ Questions ‘WE’ Questions; to request “May we?” “May we borrow your …?” 387 388
  195. 195. I! ‘I’ Statements express & clarify what’s going on with us 389 390
  196. 196. I! I! ‘expressing’ what’s going on with us Making ‘I’ Statements - is cooperative when we use them to; 1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations • ‘Let people know’ the reality of what’s going on with us. and feelings, we ask ourselves; We share what’s going on with us by; “What’s going on with me?” “What am I experiencing?” • ‘expressing’ what’s going on with us, and “What/how am I feeling?” “What is it I think/want/need?” • ‘clarifying’ what’s going on with us, in relation to: “What do I think is happening?” • What we’re experiencing “What knowledge/experience do I have to share/contribute?” “What are my hopes/dreams/fears for the future?” • How we feel “What do I want to happen?” • What we think and want and need • Our knowledge and experiences from the past, & 2. We share/express what’s going on with us using ‘I’ Statements; • Our hopes, dreams and fears for the future. “I ….………. !” 391 392
  197. 197. I! I! “I see … ” “I’m seeing … ” “I’m curious… ” “I’d like …” “I hear … ” “I’m hearing … ” “I’m wondering …” “I’d prefer …” “I taste … ” “I’m tasting … ” “I’m concerned … ” “I’d appreciate …” “I smell … ” “I’m smelling … ” “I feel … ” “I’m feeling … ” “I know… ” “I fear…” “I think … ” “I’m thinking … ” “I’ve experienced …” “I hope…” “I want … ” “I’m wanting … ” “In my experience…” “My dream is to…” “I need … ” “I’m needing … ” 393 394
  198. 198. Others filters… Since we all understand the world through our own I! experiences, when we use ‘I’ Statements to express what’s ‘clarifying’ what’s going on with us going on with us - others interpret what we’re saying through the filter of their experiences. 1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations When their interpretation puts a spin on things that doesn’t and feelings, we ask ourselves; reflect the message we intended to get across it’s important “Does my message seem to be ‘getting across’ as I intended?” we clarify our message so people get the message we were intending to send. If we don’t, people ‘get the wrong idea’ about what’s going on, which creates misunderstandings and 2. If necessary, we clarify what’s going on with us using ‘I’ Statements; leads to problems. So we also use ‘I’ Statements to clarify what’s going on with “I ….………. !” us. And, if what we’re saying isn’t ‘coming out’ way we intended! 395 396
  199. 199. I! I! “I’ll clarify that.” “That’s not what I meant.” “I’ll rephrase that.” “That’s not what I was getting at.” “I’ll put it another way.” “That isn’t what I meant to say.” “This doesn’t seem to be coming out as I intended.” “I want to make sure we’re on the same page here.” “I’ve got the feeling we’re on different wavelengths here.” “I want to make sure we’re understanding each other.” “I don’t think we’re on the same page.” “I want to make sure there’s no misunderstanding.” “What I’m trying to say is … .” And… all the previous ‘I’ Statements 397 398
  200. 200. U? ‘U’ Questions enquire & confirm what’s going on with others 399 400
  201. 201. U? U? Asking ‘U’ Questions - is cooperative when it; • ‘Checks it out’ with others - the reality of what’s going onI with others. • Extends an invitation to others: We ‘check out’ what’s going on with others by; “Would you like to join me?” • ‘enquiring’ what’s going on with others, and “Would you like to come with us?” “Would you like me to …?” • ‘confirming’ what’s going on with others, in relation to: • What they’re experiencing •Makes a request of others - in relation to something that is rightly their choice and/or responsibility and/or property: • How they feel • What they think and want and need “Would you help me out with ...?” • Their knowledge and experiences from the past, & “Would you be willing to …?” • Their hopes, dreams and fears for the future. 401 402
  202. 202. U? U? ‘enquiring’ what’s going on with others ‘enquiring’ what’s going on with others 1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations 2. We enquire as to the reality of what’s going on with others using ‘U’ and feelings, we ask ourselves; Questions; “What’s seems to be going on here?” “You ….………. ?” “What do I think is going on here?” “You’re ….………. ?” “Are you ….………. ?” “What do others seem to be experiencing?” “What/how do others seem to be feeling?” “What is it others seem to think/want/need?” Incorporating the general enquiry/information gathering questions; “What knowledge/experiences might others have to share/contribute?” “What might be others hopes/dreams/fears for the future?” “Who?” “What?” “What might others want to happen?” “Where?” “When?” “How?” 403 404
  203. 203. U? U? Who? What? “Who are you speaking of?” “What’s this about?” “Who are you referring to?” “What do you mean?” “Who do you mean, exactly?” “What do you know about this?” “What’s your experience of this?” “What ideas do you have?” “What do you think/want/need/suggest?” “What would you like to see happen?” 405 406
  204. 204. U? U? Where? When? “Where was this?” * “When was this?” * “Where did this happen?” * “When did this happen?” * “Where is this coming from?” * * ‘you’ implied “Where are you going with this?” * ‘you’ implied 407 408
  205. 205. U? How? “How do you mean?” “How do you know?” “How do you feel about this … ?” “How do you see this working ...?” “How would you like to proceed …?” Is this making sense? 409 410
  206. 206. Our filters… Since we too have a set of filters as a result of our particular U? ‘confirming’ what’s going on with others life experiences, when we use ‘U’ Questions to enquire of others experiences, we interpret what they tell us through our personal filters. 1. Based on our observations, intuitions, imaginings, interpretations and feelings, we ask ourselves; To ensure our interpretations don’t put a spin on things that distorts the message people intended to get across - it’s “What’s the message I’m getting here?” important for us to confirm our understanding matches their intention. If we don’t we might ‘get the wrong idea’ which creates misunderstandings and leads to problems. 2. We confirm our interpretation of what’s going on using ‘U’ Questions; So we also use ‘U’ Questions to confirm what’s going on “You ….………. ?” “You’re ….………. ?” with others. “Are you ….………. ?” 411 412
  207. 207. U? U? “You see … ?” “You’re seeing … ?” “You’re curious … ?” “You’d like … ?” “You hear … ?” “You’re hearing … ?” “You’re wondering … ?” “You’d prefer … ?” “You taste … ?” “You’re tasting … ?” “You’re concerned … ?” “You’d appreciate … ?” “You smell … ?” “You’re smelling … ?” “You feel … ?” “You’re feeling … ?” “You’ve noticed … ?” “You’re imagining …?” “You think … ?” “You’re thinking … ?” “You’ve observed …?” “Your intuition tells you …?” “You want … ?” “You’re wanting … ?” “You need … ?” “You’re needing … ?” 413 414
  208. 208. U? U? “You know … ?” “You fear … ?” “You’re … ?” “Are you … ?” “You’ve experienced … ?” “You hope … ?” “You’re trying to … ?” “Are you trying to … ?” “In your experience … ?” “Your dream is to … ?” “You’re suggesting … ?” “Are you suggesting … ?” “You’re saying … ?” “You’re telling me … ?” “So you’re saying … ?” “So you’re telling me … ?” 415 416
  209. 209. The combination of ‘I’ Statements and ‘U’ Questions creates the back and forth exchange of information that leads to mutual understanding. I! U? 417 418
  210. 210. WE? ‘WE’ Questions explore & collaborate to make agreements 419 420
  211. 211. WE? WE? ‘WE’ Questions to explore & collaborate ‘WE’ Questions are cooperative when we use them to exchange information - to generate options and Collaborate on Options make agreements for mutual benefit, to; “What other options might there be for us?” “What else could we do?” • Collaborate on Options “How do we make this work for both of us?” • Create Agreements, and • Confirm Agreements. 421 422
  212. 212. WE? WE? Create Agreement Confirm Agreement “We could … ?” “We’re going to … ?” “How about we … ?” “We’ve agreed to … ?” “What about we do this …?” “We’re agreed we’ll …?” “What do you think?” “So we’re agreeing you’ll … and I’ll … ?” “How do you want to do this?” “Yes?” “Great!” 423 424
  213. 213. The ‘WE’ Questions generate a back and forth exchange of ideas and suggestions to explore and collaborate on options - problem-solving to create and confirm agreements for mutual benefit. WE? WE? 425 426
  214. 214. ...only when we’ve exchanged ‘I’ Statements and ‘U’ Questions, and then ‘WE’ Questions, WE! ‘WE’ Statements convey agreements do we finally get to ‘WE’ Statements... 427 428
  215. 215. WE! WE! ‘WE’ Statements are cooperative when we use them to; Convey Information • Convey agreements made to third parties… “We agreed to … .” after issues have been discussed and agreed “We plan to … .” between the people involved. “We’re going to … .” “We’ve decided to … .” “We’ll be … .” “...doing this/doing it like this.” 429 430
  216. 216. Source Data 431 432
  217. 217. The whole time we’re communicating we’re creating ‘pictures’ of ‘what’s going on’ based on what we’re ‘picking up’ and/or ‘making up’ through what we can call ‘Source Data’. Our; observations using our senses, our intuitions, imaginations, interpretations and feelings. 433 434
  218. 218. Source Data Observations Our observations using our senses: what we; • See • Hear • Smell • Taste • Feel through touch 435 436

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