Kelly’s Bad Day By Kali Pearce (With minimal input by Bre, Erin, and Katrina. But moreso by Bre. And not so much Erin. And that was in no way, shape, or form rude.)
Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Kelly. She had bright blue eyes and loved her teddy bear named Felix.
Everywhere she went, she took Felix with her. They were the best of friends.
Then, one day, there was a terrible thunder storm while Kelly was playing outside.
“ BOOM, CRASH, BANG, BOOM!” went the storm. Kelly ran inside and cowered in fear underneath her bed.
Kelly then realized that FELIX WAS MISSING!?!?
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Erin cackled evilly as she duct taped Felix to a chair.
Then, she made a phone call and demanded a ransom payment.
Kelly hung up the phone and started to cry. She couldn’t believe that someone was holding Felix for ransom! =(
Just then, Kali burst through the door, looking very wasted. She stumbled across the room, drink still in hand, and thrust the fridge open, declaring loudly, “I’m effing feeling munchy.”
Kelly looked up tearfully and said, “We have muffins...”
Kali sloshed her drink about some more, and then slurred, “Thanks. I’ll eat some o’ that.”
Then, she did.
As Kali was munching on her muffin, she momentarily malfunctioned. “GHASLDJKFHSEUFSDFJHEFEMU” she shouted.
“ What?” Said Kelly. “I don’t understand you.”
Then Katrina came in and translated for Kelly. But it wasn’t important anyways.
Katrina then jumped upon her noble steed (and by steed we mean, of course, her elephant). With a mmfuuggmmm, away they went.
So, with Katrina gone, and Kali totally wasted, Kelly tried to think about what to do.
Just then, A THOUSAND monkeys ran through the apartment, looking for their leader, the green one. But, alas, he was off in far away lands, seeking the treasure hidden in the hills of Scotland.
Kelly crawled down the hallway, pulling her body inch by inch. It was too much effort to remember how to walk – she was exhausted from trying to figure out how to save Felix.
Just then, Melissa burst out of her room, frantically shouting, “MY SPLEEN! It just ruptured and my occipital lobe is swelling!”
Kelly, blinded yet again by her tears, offered a small suggestion.
Melissa, slightly dumber due to excessive blood loss, decided to go with Kelly’s idea. So, while Kali was passed out on the couch, they snagged her bottle of vodka and set up the kitchen for an emergency surgery. She then removed her spleen.
Just then, as Melissa was stitching herself back up, Ekofisk ran across her stomach.
“ What the...” Melissa exclaimed...
Just then, Bre followed Ekofisk across Melissa’s stomach. Then, chaos ensued.
Bre was belting out the lyrics to Eye of the Tiger, and chasing Ekofisk, her pet pony was neighing in the living room, and Katrina’s elephant burst though the front door.
“ What about me guys!?” Kelly whined.
So the friends all banded together (Melissa healed miraculously quickly from her surgery), and away they want to go save Felix.
They walked, and walked, and walked, and walked. Then, they reached the evil lair of Erin. They all looked up at the building in fear, Ekofisk trembling on Bre’s shoulder.
Kali stumbled up to the door and knocked. And then started shouting incoherently.
Erin answered the door, excited that American Idol was on.
Kelly burst into tears yet again when she saw poor poor Felix taped to the chair.
Erin cackled evilly yet again, MUAH HA HA HA. Then she coughed. But only twice. Then she laughed again.
Just then, Bre had to pee, so Erin let her come inside to use her bathroom.
Bre came out looking very disheartened. When Kelly tried to burst into tears yet again, she realized she had no more tears left to cry. She had cried them all already.
“ A dolphin attacked me in the tub.” Said Bre.
They all went inside for a negotiation process.
Kali was passed out on the floor, and Kelly began intense negotiation tactics with Ekofisk as her advisor.
Just then, Kali awoke from her drunken stupor, jumped up, and ran out the door, yelling, “I HAVE TO CHECK THE MAIL GUYS!”
Erin, trying to be a hospitable, yet evil, host, offered everyone a vitamin gummy bear. What the girls didn’t know was that she had added a secret ingredient to the gummy bears- nitroglycerin!
Bre secretly had a built up immunity to nitroglycerin in her lab. “Hahaha, never go in against me when DEATH is on the line!”
Somehow she was the only one that received a ‘special’ gummy bear. So everyone else was fine.
With that problem solved, Kali returned, disheartened and slightly less drunk. But still waaaaay past tipsy.
Erin then laughed again, because she had converted Ekofisk to the dark side.
Just then, 50 cent burst through the door, rapping like mad, yo.
“ Go shawty, it’s yo birthday, We gunna party like it’s yo birthday...”
Kelly, no longer tearful, angrily yelled, “NO ONE HERE HAS A BIRTHDAY, GET OUT!”
While Erin, 50 Cent, Bre, and Katrina were all distracted by Kelly’s outburst (Kali was passed out on the floor again due to finding some brandy hidden away in the kitchen), Melissa snuck up to Felix and tried to untape him. However, her wound began to bleed and everyone turned around. She was then rushed to the hospital and negotiations resumed.
Then, 50 cent decided to leave because he felt pretty unwanted.
Just then, Britney Spears pulled up, shaved her head, and her and 50 cent ran off together into the sunset.
With the two famous people gone, everything was kind of dull (especially because Kali was still passed out on the floor. But, somehow her body had moved from the kitchen to halfway up the staircase. But that in and of itself is a WHOLE other story).
“ I demand at least fifty pesos and all the American Idol I can watch.” said Erin.
“ Arrangements will be made for that” said Kelly. “I just want Felix back!”
With Felix safely back in her arms, Kelly wept for joy (her tear ducts were finally moist again).
They all went back to the apartment and then Ekofisk refused to be put back in his cage.
“ No, you can’t make me.”
“ Yes, I talk, you imbeciles” said Ekofisk.
“ By the way,” he continued, “I think you left your very intoxicated friend at the evil lair.”
Then, Katrina burst through the wall on her elephant, with Kali in tow. There was another hole in the apartment.
Now, Melissa was back from the hospital, and the characters that were in the room were:
Kelly, Ekofisk, Bre, Kali, Katrina, Erin, Melissa, and an unknown homeless man who had crawled in while everyone was out.
Just then, the homeless man started to gnaw on the plug to the television. Whilst he was miraculously not shocked, the television was not so lucky. It was shocked multiple times, and how that happened, no one really knows.
So, with the television not working and American Idol on in five minutes, Kelly had to make good with her promise for fear of Felix getting hurt.
Alas, she could not fix the television with her hot pink plastic screwdriver. “This is all your fault, homeless man!” She yelled at the homeless man.
Then, the homeless man tore off his ripped clothing to reveal Barack Obama in a cape. It was kind of odd how that happened. Personally it is still quite mysterious. He was a really good homeless man impersonator.
“ Barack Obama?!” everyone exclaimed!
“ Not anymore,” he said, “I am a llama now.”
And with that, he was.
Enraged, with the loss of American Idol and not knowing how Barack Obama turned into a llama, Erin grabbed Felix and held him in the air above her head like a mad woman.
Still enraged, she jumped up and down and yelled some gibberish.
No one was paying attention anymore though.
Bre was spoon feeding herself.
Katrina was petting her elephant named Webster.
Melissa was looking up spleen surgeries and trying to find out what went awry.
Kelly was crying on the floor again. Felix was taken.
Kali had run out of vodka and moved on to some jello shots.
STILL enraged, Erin grimaced.
Then grimaced again.
Not quite as enraged as before, but still enraged nonetheless, Erin stomped her foot. Three whole times. And one half time.
The llama looked about the room quizzically. “I’m outta here homies” he said. Then he pranced out of the hole in the wall that Katrina’s elephant had left earlier.
Erin, more enraged than she had ever been EVER gripped Felix tighter and yelled, “I’m gonna do something super drastic right now!”
And so she...
...(dot dot dot)...
Ripped off his head.
To make a long story short, Erin went to jail, Felix was decapitated, and now Kelly cries herself to sleep every night.