The one I like is when her
husband died and a friend was
there to console her asked “Is
there anything I can get for
you” to which Parker
responded “Y
d d “You can go out t
and get me a new husband”.
Mortified, her friend said Dr. Joyce Dorothy Parker
“that’s terrible, how can you
, y
say that?” Parker said “Alright,
go get me a ham sandwich.”
I don’t care what
is written about
i itt b t
me so long as it
isn’t true.

Wit has truth in it; wisecracking is simply
calisthenics with words.

You can’t teach an old dogma new tricks.

I’m never going to accomplish anything; that’s
perfectly clear to me. I’m never going to b
f l l ’ be
famous. My name will never be writ large on
the roster of Those Who Do Things. I don’t do
anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite
y g g g
my nails, but I don’t even do that any more.

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly,
h lf l l d h l
a list of quotations beautiful from minds
profound — if I can remember any of the
g
damn things.

Four be the things I’d have been better
without: Love, curiosity, freckles and doubt.

I require only three things of a man. He must
be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Take care of luxuries and the necessities will
take care of themselves.

Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a
diamond‐studded wheelchair.

The two most beautiful words in the English
language are ‘cheque enclosed.’

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no
cure for curiosity.

It serves me right f k
h for keeping all my eggs in
ll
one bastard. (Said when leaving hospital after
an abortion).

All I need is room enough to lay a hat and a
few friends.

I like to have a martini,
lk h
Two at the very most.
After three I’m under the table,
y
after four I’m under my host.

Ducking for apples — change one letter and
it’s the story of my life.

I’ve never been a millionaire but I just know I’d
be darling at it.

If you want to know what God thinks of
money, just look at the people he gave it to.

When asked to use the word h
h k d h d horticulture
l
during a game of Can‐You‐Give‐Me‐A‐
Sentence, Parker replied: You can lead a
horticulture, but you can’t make her think.
, y

Of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, Parker said:
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It
should be thrown with great force.”

I’ve been too _ucking busy ‐ or vice versa. (in
response to a letter from her editor asking for
more stories during her honeymoon)