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Cesium Issue 1: The Virgin Issue

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  • 1. CESIUM magazine Ar t • Media • Culture • Politics (The Elemental Issue)
  • 2. CESIUM magazine Vol 1. Issue 1. October-December 2005 Editor-in-Chief Adam Moore Graphic Design Consultants Andy Sommer Maria Moore Business Director Elizabeth Schmitz Editorial Interns P. Doll Fitch Jennifer Hess Main Office 1903 Merner Avenue, Cedar Falls, IA 50613 Tel: (319) 210-0951 Subscriptions USA: One year (4 issues) $18 Canada and International: One year (4 issues) $25 To order a single copy of Cesium Magazine, please send your address and five (US) dollars to: Cesium Magazine Attention: Circulation Services 1903 Merner Avenue Cedar Falls, IA 50613 Please direct all sales and submission queries to: adamm@uni.edu Copyright 2005 by LawnMoore Productions LLC. All rights reserved. Reproduction in whole or in part without written authorization is prohibited. Printed in the United States of America by Cedar Graphics Inc. Not printed on recycled paper (but we wish it was).
  • 3. (Ahead in This Issue) The Front Matter From the Editor 4 Contributors 5 Art Surviving Lillian 6 Fiction by Chuck Dooley, about a crow bar wielding nut and the man that loves her. Designing the Future 11 Interview with visual artist Andy Sommer about life, technique and why he’ll design himself silly. Media Audibly Speaking 15 Brian Moore reviews three recent albums from Beck, Muse and Aqualung. Return to the Cult 16 Brian Moore takes a look back at The Big Lebowski, and how it became a cult classic. Culture Challenging the Gallon 17 Nonfiction by Chuck Dooley, about a night spent with competitive milk drinkers, and what we can learn (if anything). Open Letter 23 Tyler Wyngarden writes a letter to his gym and potentially forefits his towel privleges. Politics Plain Speaking 24 T. Dalley Waterhaus examines the state of politics today, and tries to find where the nation’s preference for dry toast came from. Dumbing of America 26 Essay by Esther Alejo, about the position of television in today’s society and how it is turning our political brains to mush.
  • 4. (From the Editor) Hello and welcome to the first issue of Cesium magazine! A long time in the making, we’re aiming to bring a new perspective to a market already flooded with magazines geared towards the general-interest market. You know what I’m talking about, the magazines chock full of reviews of tech gadgets you’ll never be able to afford, trendy fashions you’ll never be able to pull off and articles about sex positions and diets you’ll never want to try. In other words, magazines that provide nothing that you need, besides something to pass the time in surgical waiting rooms. So, the logical question remains, if that’s not what Cesium is about, what exactly is it about? Well, perhaps we should begin with a little bit of what we believe about you. We know you’re an intelligent, discriminating reader. If you’re anything like the people who contribute to the making of Cesium, odds are you’re also a bit of a smart-ass, someone who takes in the world and never hesitates to question what is surrounding you. Your leisure time is valuable, and you don’t care to fill your mind with flavorless writing. To rephrase, you’re the kind of person we’d sit with while drinking a six pack of Boulevard and discussing the differences between California and New York punk. So we’ve put together Cesium, a magazine full of irreverence, thoughtful writing and no shame to boot. Look for both warped, yet human fiction and a quirky look at collegiate anthropology from Chuck Dooley, insightful music and film pieces by Brian Moore, a caustic (and perhaps painful?) rant from Tyler Wyngarden. We also have a short essay/editorial bemoaning the ‘dumbing’ of America from Ester Alejo and a leftist survey of modern politics from T. Dalley Waterhaus. This issue brings together an ecclectic mix, all in a heroic attempt to make your mental wheels turn, and get in a few laughs on occasion. You also might be wondering, what’s with the whole ‘elemental’ thing? Well, there’s a few reasons behind the name. First, considering this is our first issue, we wanted to show you what we’re elementally about, what kind of writing and design forms our foundation. Second, we wanted to emphasize the name. In chemistry, cesium is powerful, both highly reactive and brilliantly explosive. Hopefully, you’ll find that here too. Adam Moore Editor-in-Charge 4
  • 5. (Contributors) A quick look at the people who made this issue possible. And the people that gave the editor frequent heartburn.. Brian Moore contributed to our album reviews and our look back at The Big Lebowski. An avid audio/visual phile, he tries to keep abreast of the lat- est media happenings, but paradoxically has a pessimistic view of the pos- sibilities. “I think music will be the weapon of the future,” he says. “It will destroy us all.” Look for his fiction in Skive online magazine. Tyler Wyngarden, a confused 20-something currently living in Los Angeles, contributed to our Open Letter section. “Ever since moving to LA, I’ve shockingly discovered that image is everything,” he says. Between workouts and crying, he develops programming for Paradox Television. Chuck Dooley is an freelance writer hailing from British Columbia, Canada. He has decided to grace Cesium with both fiction and non-fiction this month. Speaking of “Challenging the Gallon”, he recounts, “It seemed very tribal, these kids puking their guts out and then giving each other high-fives. It almost made me want to join in, for both the cammraderie and the high calcium content.” His novel, The Secret Life of Hot Dogs, is due out next month. T. Dalley Waterhaus contributed our piece on the current bland trend running through modern politics today. “Once I wrote it, I realized that I had neglected to include one of the greatest modern orators in the political realm: H. Ross Perot.” T. Dalley Waterhaus lives in Boston. Esther Alejo (not pictured) wrote our piece on the dumbing of America. A self-avowed “crusader for fairness”, she lives in Cedar Rapids, Iowa with her three cats and reads. She hopes to be published in Mother Jones someday. Gene Parme (not pictured) wrote the rebuttal for our politics piece. He is head of the College Republicans at Washington State. 5
  • 6. (Surviving Lillian) Fiction by Chuck Dooley vibrations through the car. I jerked back up in my seat. Possible 594 with 417 on 9th and Oylmpic. Units respond. 594 and a 417. Vandalism while brandishing a weapon. That was our exit cue, one I had long ago learned to listen for. I shot my head out the window. “Let’s go!” I yelled above the din of a falling crowbar. “Hold on!” Lillian screamed back, her face still full of that seemingly unfounded rage. The heavy iron bar fell on the already shattered rear window, clearing the few remaining fragments around the edge into the leather back seat. 59 Williams responding, over. “Now!” I screamed, popping open the passenger door. It creaked, rusty and in need of some WD-40. Lillian slid in, tossing the crowbar to the back, stained with sparkling apple red paint flecks from a fresh kill. She slapped me affectionately on the leg, and my Geo Prism pulled wildly onto the street, away from the brutal Jesus, it hurt to watch. beating. The crowbar came down harder the second I looked to the rearview mirror as my car flexed time, crunching through the safety glass of the Lexus. the little muscle it had. Flashing lights bounced off the The headlights were soon gone, shattered into oblivion mix of tall buildings and hole-in-the-wall restuarants and dents appeared in the glimmering finish. It had only comprising downtown L.A. as the police cruisers fast a minute ago looked like a shining red apple, plucked approached. I returned my gaze to the road, quickly straight from the tree. Now it just looked like a Lexus that accelerating, and another black and white Impala flew had been assaulted by a crowbar. past us to the carnage. She was screaming, certifiably insane, yelling “Hell, yes!” Lillian yelled, pumping the air with Marxist profanities at the top of her lungs. Her face was her fists. She wiped the beads of sweat from her forehead. bright red, flush with a combination of Russian blood and “That felt good, Rick!” Italian anger. I wouldn’t have been surprised in the least “I sure hope so,” I said, hoping the stress wouldn’t if her eyes rolled back into her head. send me spiraling into cardiac arrest. “You bourgeois motherfucker!” she screamed, the muscular arms bringing the iron rod down with another sickening sound. The Lexus looked at me, begged me, I Control was a big thing for Lillian; it made swear it did. Make her stop. But there was no way I was her come. Any situation where she wasn’t calling the going out there, especially when the crowbar was still shots was a moment of waste in her life, a moment of rising and falling under adrenaline-charged biceps. unfullfillment, where she wasn’t defending women and By this point, the car had taken matters into the downtrodden proletariat everywhere. And hell if its own hands. The brake lights flashed in the fading she’d stand for that. daylight, blinking wildly, summoning for help. The horn That’s why she was on top. Always on top. blared, almost drowning out Lillian’s shrieks. People were I laid in the bed, shrouded in sheets like the starting to look our way, and I slid down in my seat so that mummies I had once seen on display at the Natural only my eyes saw out above the dash. The police scanner History Museum of Los Angeles County. I imagined that I in the back seat crackled, but nothing about Olympic felt just like they did; my blood pressure must have been Boulevard yet. nearing three over one. My muscles lacked energy, and “This is for all the people you exploited to get my eyes focused much too slowly. Lillian had vanished in leather seats!” a prolonged orgasmic haze, but my neck was too dead to Crunch. Glass sprinkled the street. turn and search the room. I just laid there, staring straight Christ, she was on a roll this time. at the textured ceiling, afraid that once I came around, Suddenly, the scanner came to life, sending 6
  • 7. she’d be straddling the bed, the paint-stained crowbar consummate conspiracy theorist, always sniffing out poised to strike. things that smelled fishy. In her world, I woke up bright The door finally squeaked open, and she floated and early, braving the rush hour traffic all the way to the in. I squinted, slowly rubbed my eyes. My contacts heart of Los Angeles herself. I pulled long hours at a burned from the dry California air. small buy/sell publication, producing copy and selling “Is that my robe?” I asked as moisture returned to ad space, a job that Lillian only approved of because it my throat. I made sure the crowbar was nowhere near. bypassed the evils of Wal-Mart and the other corporate “You weren’t using it,” she said, pulling the whores. cigarette from her slender lips and turning it playfully But it was catching up with me, slowly taking through her spidery fingers. She disappeared back into a toll. Bismarck could tell; hell, everyone could tell. I the hallway bathroom. I heard her spit into something; was getting jumpy, too paranoid for my own good. And hopefully it was the toilet, although she had been known I was growing more and more scared of Lillian’s often to aim at the first thing that caught her eye. unpredictable temper. That damn crowbar that always “Do you love me?” I heard echo around the seemed to show up unexpectedly anytime we passed a porcelain. good-looking car. At first it was exciting, something to I paused. It felt like a trap. make my pulse race, part of sticking it to the powerful. “Yeah, of course. Why?” Now it was just nerve-racking. “I just haven’t heard it for a while,” Lillian said. “Hey, I’ve got an idea,” Bismarck said, his mouth She spit again. full of California roll. “What’s that?” “Lillian’s human, just like the rest of us. Even though she hates all that corporate shit, she’s still greedy. Bismarck and I sat in the open air café, watching What if you just told her about the wads of money you’ve the BMW 745i’s and E Class Mercedes roll by. They got stashed all over L.A.? Maybe she’d just freak out, and were just the kind of cars Lillian would love to find all want to go on a spending spree.” alone on a dark evening, parked without supervision at “I think I’d come to work minus a testicle, a municipal meter. I slouched in my chair, a trait I had Bismarck. She’d never do that.” developed over the past year, deathly afraid someone “And I’m sure there was a point in your life when would make a positive facial identification. Or Lillian you said you’d never date a militant radical leftist, but would show up. Either one would be the end of my lunch here you are.” hour, albeit one much more violently. “You’re making her sound crazy,” I said “Jesus, you look like shit,” Bismarck said, sipping defensively and then trailing off. I didn’t know what to his iced tea daintily. “And I think we both know why.” think anymore. “Well, why don’t you tell me your take on it, and Bismarck rolled his eyes, and picked up the I’ll tell you if you’re right,” I said. check. Without fail, it ended up in my hands. “It’s Lillian. Christ, Richard, she’s gonna be the “Do you still love her?” he said finally, looking out end of you. Especially when she finds out about this. And to the hills. you know she will. Somehow.” “Of course I do,” I replied, pulling a twenty out I gave a long and heavy sigh. Of course, Bismarck and dropping it on the table. “I mean, I think so.” was right. He’d been right ever since I had started He sighed, and put his hands behind his head. working as manager of the printing press at Cornerstone “Maybe you should think about it a little more, Rick.” Press. He was in charge of the design section, and we worked closely together. When I told him about Lillian, he told me immediately what he had thought of it. “Smells like a shit storm”, were his exact words, but I didn’t put The Prism idled gently, and I thought about just too much stock in it, considering it was also his favorite putting it in reverse and driving away. Never looking phrase. back. A part of me wanted to do it so badly, and it would The problem was that Cornerstone Press dealt have made Bismarck proud, but I couldn’t bring myself heavily in government contracts, printing everything to pull the shifter out of park. I turned the ignition off, and from bilingual 1040’s to informational brochures on rested my head on the steering wheel. anthrax exposure. We were knee-deep in bureaucracy, The apartment door eased open, and I stepped and admittedly, bureaucracy was good for business. Fat inside, kicking off my ten- year-old sneakers at the door bonuses were the norm for Bismarck and I every time like she always demanded. Lillian was sitting indian-style production followed a semi-timely schedule. A bigger on the couch, Sexual Politics in hand. She was engrossed, office. A bigger piece of the pie. flipping through the worn pages, curling the paperback Only, I couldn’t tell Lillian about any of it. cover. Kate Millet had an mesmerizing effect on Lillian, She hated the government, ‘the man’ as she so the way she described women as an oppressed class affectionately called it, a throwback to the free-love era. of people, yearning to break free from man’s yoke. I She volunteered during the day, stocking the shelves of assumed that I was included. the Los Angeles Public Library with subversive literature, I fell into the recliner opposite Lillian and threw from books on bomb construction to neo-nazi rantings. my feet up on the flea market coffee table. I knew what Lillian was a staunch opponent of censorship, hated was next. the Patriot Act, read Allen Ginsberg, and stood for the “Not on the table,” Lillian said, never altering her things that I never had the guts to. I admired her sense gaze. of struggle against the Leviathan known as Uncle Sam, “You’ve read that, like, what? Thirty times? Why and hardly agreed with the anti-terrorism fight, but don’t you read something new?” I asked. nevertheless, I was implicated, directly attached to the “First off, Rick, it’s only been six times. Secondly, propoganda arm of the government. My lucrative job Millet is one of the greatest philosophers to deal with the made the separation of personal politics and economics a subjugation of women, especially in the bedroom.” necessity. “What are you talking about?” I asked, rubbing I was actually proud of the level of secrecy that my temples. A dull ache approached. “You’re always on I had been able to achieve with Lillian, who was the top. And we only have sex after you destroy a nice car.” 7
  • 8. “Those cars aren’t nice,” she said, raising one eye ridden denims. It was like she didn’t need anyone, and over the edge of the book to glare at me. “They are the that was exactly the reason I approached. trappings of capitalist excess and bourgeois domination. Before I knew it, I was sitting behind the wheel Oh, and for the record, I wanted to the other night, but of my Prism, knuckles white. Lillian was smashing in the you said you were tired.” windows on a new Mercedes SLK convertible. My heart She smiled briefly in my direction, enjoying the was racing, flying towards the physical limits of the body. point before returning to her book. The mysterious girl in the tight camouflage t-shirt I had “My apologies,” I said sarcastically, rolling my met only an hour earlier was unleashing a socialist fury. eyes. She shrieked at the top of her lungs, punching my tire I walked to the kitchen, hoping to find something iron through the passenger windows, sheering off the ready to eat. But that would assume that Lillian had side view mirror. actually cooked. She ate on a strictly subsistence diet, just When she dove back into the waiting car, and enough to ensure survival. A banana here, a can of green motioned to drive like hell, my head was spinning. The beans there. No meat, of course; just beans for protein. It adrenaline rush was unbelievable, sending the street took a while to get used to the whole vegan thing, but I lights into a blur as the car accelerated recklessly, fueled couldn’t deny that I had more energy in the mornings. by excitement and hard alcohol. She unbuttoned my shirt “Hey, I have kind of a random question,” I asked as we rolled forward, her warm breath surrounding my with a mouthful of organic peas. “I heard it on the radio neck. on the way home.” Lillian was a dream, surreal and intoxicating. “What’s that?” Lillian said, putting Millet down. “What would you do, let’s say, if we won a bunch of money. Just out of the blue?” She was in bed, fast asleep from a hard day of “Like how much money?” revising an article she was writing about social control for I had to crunch the numbers in my head. Just how Off Our Backs, a radical feminist journal she particularly much was languishing in my savings account at the bank, enjoyed. I had tried to read it one time, after an article accrued from Washington’s pocketbook? entitled “On Hating Men, On Dating Men” crossed “Oh, say like 40 thousand dollars.” my eye, but ended up putting it down after the sexist “That’s a lot of money.” diatribes became too much for my firmly heterosexual “Yeah, I know.” mind. “Well,” she said thinking intently. “How did we Sheets of paper littered the coffee table before win it?” me, mostly production orders and specifications for the I hadn’t thought this far ahead. My mind threw next government run we had coming up. I usually tried to around possibilities while I chewed a single mouthful of keep work as far away from home as possible, but it was peas over and over. She’d never go for the state lottery, times like these when the job necessitated that the stacks and I wasn’t sure if Ed McMahon was still alive to award of paperwork intrude. I always had to wait until Lillian us a Publishers Clearing House runner up prize. Not to passed out to begin my work, which was sometimes a mention that I highly doubted that Publishers Clearing chore in itself, considering the vast amounts of chai tea House offered the magazines on our coffee table, like that she drank. Even after she finally laid down for the Socialist Appeal and El Militante. evening her habitually small bladder made work in the “A raffle,” I said finally. living room, located next to the bathroom, a hazardous “A raffle?” Lillian asked, a bewildered look on proposition. her face. I think she knew I was up to something. A few From the look of the orders, it would be a busy peas got stuck in my throat in the interim, and I pounded week at the office. The U.S. was stepping up its anti- my chest with a closed fist to clear them through. terrorist efforts, and the bilingual pamphlets preaching “Yeah. What would you do with it? 40 thousand readiness had to be ready in record time. dollars,” I said, still hitting my ribs. My tired eyes made their way to the clock “I suppose I’d give it to charity, or maybe help hanging in isolation on the wall. Three-twenty in the support the Workers International League. You know, give morning, and I had to be up at seven. it to someone who needs it.” I stacked the papers in my leather work folio and “Really?” I asked, hoping to find some sliver of staggered into bed. selfishness or self-concern. “You wouldn’t move into a nicer place, maybe near the beach? Maybe some new furniture?” Lillian loved the beach, and for a long time we “No, I wouldn’t. Why the sudden interest?” Lillian spent our weekends exploring the California coastline, asked, growing steadily suspicious. north to Gold Bluffs Beach with its giant dunes and all “I was just curious, that’s all,” I said, walking back the way south to the La Jolla sands. We’d sit on the beach into the kitchen with my organic peas. on ratty old towels she’d been using for years, thin She picked up her Millet from the cheap table like paper and watch the tide roll in and pull the sand and continued on, like the conversation had never taken backwards out into clear blue waters. She’d wear huge place. sunglasses that made her look like Jackie O, and just grinned as we watched the sun move through the sky, bathing everyone in a breezy California warmth. “Nature is inherently egalitarian,” Jackie O It hadn’t been hard to hide the money at first, would say, her sandy elbows propped up on the towel, simply because there wasn’t much. When I first met observing random children playing in the surf. “A level Lillian, I was a peon at Cornerstone, working my ass off playing field.” calibrating ink hungry machines for the never-ending Sometimes if she was feeling especially frisky runs of government documents. She was sitting at the we’d run into the water, fast as we could until the waves at end of the bar, reading a well-loved copy of Marx’s Das out feet pulled us down violently, splashing face first into Kapital, polishing off a bottle of some dark no-name beer. the salt water. I’d come up gasping for breath, rubbing She had an aura of independence around her, something the salt from my eyes and see Lillian pulling her hair back exotic in that black shoulder length hair and the hole- and a smile a mile wide across her face. It was a gorgeous 8
  • 9. sight, us floating along and the sun dropping into the was collapsing. ocean inch by inch until it disappeared completely under “Come on. How long have you been the the horizon. government’s lackey?” She choked up. Those moments made it seem like we were made I looked at my shoes. It seemed the only point of to be with each other, like pieces to a jigsaw puzzle. refuge. My head was on fire with debate. Should I tell her On the drives home, the oncoming headlights the truth, or play it off? Did it really matter at this point? would shine like beacons in the distant night, coming “How long, Rick?” Lillian screamed, slamming her closer as we traveled along the coastal highways. I would fist down on the desk. Bismarck jumped. feel Lillian’s hand press into mine from the passenger “Three years! Since I met you, dammit!” I yelled seat, the warm arch of her palm meeting mine as I back. It rushed out, exited my mouth independently of directed the Geo around countless curves. my brain. “Thank you for a wonderful day,” she’d say, her Without so much as a word, so much as an eyes closed and her head firmly against the headrest, obscene declaration, Lillian rushed past Bismarck and dreaming of something wonderfully egalitarian. I quickly, slamming the door behind her. I thought the “I love you, Rick,” she’d say. glazed glass would shatter all over our shoes, just like I Her hand would squeeze tighter, having made a figured my windshield was about to in the Cornerstone human connection. I said nothing, just directed the car parking lot. with my left and pressed back with my right. That was My knees felt weak, and I stumbled over to the enough. oak desk for support. My elbows shook under the weight I put on them. “I told you,” Bismarck said, falling into my Bismarck and I strolled into the press after an highback desk chair. “A shit storm.” extended lunch break. He convinced me to stop after our already Mexican lunch to try a hole-in-the-wall bar called La Tormenta. He insisted that they had the best lime The lock clicked and I hesitantly pushed the margaritas on the coast, but I had to disagree. I kept my door open. I half expected Lillian to jump out at me loyalties with Reynaldo’s, an equally disgusting bar on the from the darkness. My feet stayed planted in the door Redondo beachline. frame, letting the dim light from the hallway filter into the The machines buzzed and clanked rhythmically apartment. There was no movement from inside. as we walked by, surveying the progress of our latest My arm wrapped around the inside of the run. I couldn’t help but grin as I watched the pallets of wall and flipped the light switch. The apartment was completed pamphlets travel to the shipping dock on fast completely in order, the same way I had left it that moving forklifts. The anti-terrorism kick was definitely a morning. The bookshelves stood stoically in the corner, boon, even if I didn’t totally agree with the way Uncle Sam full of Lillian’s leftist literature, the furniture all unmoved. went about it. It was a strange feeling, seeing my apartment still intact; “We need to look at the layout for the new IRS I had expected to come home to a couch torn to pieces order that came in,” I shouted to Bismarck, over the and holes deep in the plaster walls. Never had everything continuing racket. being normal felt so strange. “It should be in your office. I put it on the desk The bedroom door was cracked, and I pushed it earlier,” he said. open, letting the hinges squeek as they pivoted towards We rounded a stacker, a behemoth of a machine, the wall. busy piling fresh pamphlets on top of each other. I threw Lillian was sitting on the end of the bed, a 4x6 open the door to my spacious office. glossy of us in her hand. It was from a day at the Playa “Shit man, I just realized that next week we’ll have del Ray beach, a shot of me standing triumphantly in my to –“ Bismarck started, then stopped short. brown trunks and arms flexing in a bodybuilder’s pose. Lillian was sitting quietly in a plush chair tucked That day we had practiced body surfing for hours, long into the corner. Her eyes were dark and menacing, after sun dipped into the ocean and left us in darkness, glaring at the two idiots caught off-guard in the doorway. with the waves still crashing musically on the shore. “What are you doing here?” I asked quickly. I She turned from the photo and our eyes met, hers knew what the reason was, but it was all I could think to now distinctly puffy and a deep crimson shade. I stood in say at that moment. Immediately after, my brain entered the doorway, surprised and unsure of what the next move emergency shutdown, and I could feel my heart mingling would be. in my intestines. “I couldn’t leave,” she said finally, sniffling. The “I think you should answer that first,” she said, photo crumpled slightly in her grip. eerily calm. I paused, trying to think of a proper response. I Without waiting for any reply, she threw my hadn’t expected that. leather folio onto the cluttered desk with a thud. My heart “Why didn’t you?” dropped deeper still, and I expected it to soon appear at “Because I couldn’t,” she said. the bottom of my khaki pant leg. And that’s when I sat next to her on the bed, on “You forgot this at home. It was under the top of the homemade quilts and sheets washed in organic coffee table.” She paused for a breath. I looked around soap. I slowly put my arm around her, my hand sliding nervously for the crowbar. Bismarck’s pulse rang out his across her back and up to her shoulder. I pulled her close ears. “I looked through it. The papers had Cornerstone and heard her cry, really cry, for the first time in three Press stamped all over them. So, I called a cab and long years. cs dropped by; in my stupidity, I figured they printed your buy/sell rag. And instead I find an office with your name all over the door. Your fucking office, with pamphlets glorifying the Patriot Act.” “Lillian, I was gonna tell you, I swear to –“ “Don’t bother, Rick. Just tell me, how long have you been lying to me about this?” The office was silent, just our breathing. My mind 9
  • 10. a place for musicians, showcasing the finest vintage and contemporary equipment, electronic compositions and musical visions Come connect and reflect www.MidLifeVision.com 10
  • 11. (Designing the Future) An Interview with Andy Sommer Andy Sommer, a young visual artist with an ever- expanding file of work, has eclectic tastes when it comes to his art. From photography to watercolor to digital filtering, his artistic expression is not limited to any one medium, and it all works to his benefit, allowing him to mix and match, creating a unique portfolio of visual pastiche. Music and text also play a huge part for Andy, and provide him even more sources to draw from in his art. As an example of his ‘no boundaries’ approach, his latest piece is a combination of still frames from The Big Lebowski and the actual cinematic soundtrack. All of this practically ensures that he’ll be one to watch for in the coming years of technologically-driven art. Despite the unique approach and vision, Andy’s art remains somewhat hard to find. Many of his pieces remain on display in his cozy Iowa home, providing conversation starters for guests. His latest work can be seen in the North Gallery of the Kamerick Art Building, located on the University of Northern Iowa campus, A Part You Can’t Escape where he is currently a student. Cesium sat down with Andy Sommer to discuss some of his better known pieces, his views on the creative process, collaboration and his personal goals as an artist. Cesium: So, how long have you been involved with art? Andy Sommer: I was pretty much anti-art all through high school. I just wasn’t creative. I only took a class in graphic design [in high school], but I enjoyed it. That’s kind of where I got into it. CS: What did you enjoy about graphic design? A: The customization, the manipulation of your own work. It wasn’t concrete like drawing or painting. CS: But about the actual process of design? What drew you into that? A: I was a really big fan of layout, which probably sounds rather lame, but I was a big fan of outlines. I enjoy them, designing how things look on the page. Design, as in grids, the margins. The way things puzzle together. CS: Would you characterize your own art as regimented then? Fringe of Perception A: Definitely. It’s very precise and measured. Very “for a reason”. CS: Looking at the first piece, “A Part You Can’t Escape”, what gave you the idea? Was it in response to anything? A: Well, I dabbled a little bit in photography, and it came from my eyes. People tend to think that I have eyes that you can’t escape. People kind of know what I’m thinking about when they look at my eyes. And there are all these things that you can do to change how you look; you can put on a fake smile, or change your hairstyle, or whatever. But you can’t change your 11
  • 12. eyes, it’s just the way that you don’t have control over was all about movement. I think people are getting the way that those look. the Asian influence from the overlapping straight lines, and, you know, I don’t think Americans are CS: How’d the lack of color come about? A: I was studying in a class used to straight lines. They’re about the blending of the used to seeing solid figures, figure with the ground, you and it seems they’re not open know, the image with the to open space in artwork. background, and I just wanted CS: So, were you influenced by to experiment with just having “Nude Descending a Staircase”, black made and shaped in or more abstractionist such a way, so that it created representations? the figure. Not the figure A: Yeah, I love that. Probably creating the shadow. because I can’t draw at all, and I can’t do realistic CS: That seems at total odds with paintings. I don’t have the “Fringe of Perception”, a color- proportions down, I guess. laden piece. But are they related Abstract painting gives the in any way? A: That was a piece that was artist freedom to let his worked on and off between emotions and decisions to be other pieces, and it really was seen on many drafts of one an escape from other things. work. The artist sees where he Going along with the theme started, and he sees where he of the eye, it was supposed left something alone, but the to represent your eyesight, viewers see a work as a whole. because in the center it is very CS: Money shows up frequently focused, very detailed. Then in your work. Discuss “Burning Elipses Between Actions you move to the peripheral Sky”, and how the money motif, vision, and things tend to get and the hands, work with the a little blurry. It was done with watercolors, on color background. stock paper, and then I outlined the watercolor with A: That was a really experimental piece for me. I an ink pen. was working on a composition with photography, digital graphics and a ton of different filters. I’m a big CS: “Fringe” has the perception of a tribal feeling, believer that money can make or break a person, and something a little on the wild side. Were you going for I had been watching old cartoons, or something that that? A: Yeah, when I approached day, and that cloud image, I had that, I ruined a bamboo brush just learned to make that. I really by just dabbing the edges of wanted an image to represent that it, but that piece wasn’t really black cloud that comes over when made with a tribal mindset. It someone overlays money and was really more of a sketchy, power. messy kind of look, because CS: Is that where the red comes when you look at it, it’s not so from, as a stark contrast? much a stamping, but more of A: It was a desire to have the just where the brush tips press contour of the hand to come out, down and out from the center. but I also wanted the details of It’s just about feeling that the money to be embedded in the randomness. hands. If you look at it closely, you can see the rendering I’ve CS: Your piece “Ellipses Between Burning Sky done to it, where the money Actions” has a distinct Asian feel, follows the contours of the hands. resembling Asian characters. How are people responding to the piece? CS: Is that related to the embedding of money in our A: Yeah, I’ve had a lot of people respond like that. culture? That piece was actually done while I was working A: I definitely think money runs through people’s on “Fringes”. It was a movement piece…I went on veins, whether or not they want to admit. I believe this eye kick for a few weeks, but it was actually my that everything has a price on it, and people are so professor moving around during class assembling a concerned with spending and getting, and some don’t still life scene in the center. I wanted to use different understand that you spend money to make money, colors, but I wanted to keep with the theme of basic that we get money just to spend it. I guess it’s not shapes. You know, here’s the side of his head, and the end of the world if you’re broke for a few days. here’s a line. Here’s his arm, but now it’s moving. It Everything will come around. 12
  • 13. feel like he’s been a huge influence on me. I don’t CS: Tell us about your piece “Redesigned Currency”, particularly care for artwork done before the 1900’s; I which is directly related to that money theme. just don’t care for it. I prefer modernism, expressive, A: That was a blast. We were given a project to foot in your mouth artwork. redesign the twenty-dollar bill with history in mind. I went the cynical route by putting images of child- CS: What is it about the Bauhaus movement that you find labor on it, from the 1900’s. It was fun to work with, influential? A: For a school to be open for such a short time, because people look at it and are like, “oh, that less than ten years, and to still have an impact on was a huge part of our economy, kids in mines and factories”. I guess we have such a young country, and so many art aspects absolutely blows my mind. The students that were there, and the professors, had we’ve changed so much in these hundred years, that such an influence on art, I can’t even guess where our and art education, that values will be just 50 years it established a standard from now. that is so perfect that you CS: So it’s kind of a statement can’t take it lightly. You on the evolution of the have to understand it. country? A: Yeah, definitely. I guess CS: What are your goals I was just doing it to see if with art? A: That’s a good question people realized…people [laughs]. I want my stuff seem to take money for to be looked at. I want granted, but people don’t somebody to pick my stuff think about where it’s out of a pile and say, “this coming from, what it takes looks good”. I guess that’s to get it. about it, really. CS: Perhaps a political CS: Are you looking for statement too? A: Of course. People are more design appreciation, oblivious to the fact of where or a message appreciation? A: I think they have to their money comes from. Redesigned Currency be equal. I mean, it has They don’t care, as long as to look good obviously. they keep their wealth. I want someone to say both “that’s a nice looking CS: Talk for a minute about your creative method. What poster” and “that’s what Andy Sommer has to say”. inspires you? There has to be that back and forth, they have to go A: It’s a variety of things, a lot of little things. Right hand-in-hand. I want name recognition. now I have a list of sketches that I want to do; I want to do a series of close-up shots of scrunched up CS: How does music work into your creation? A: It’s a big part. I’m thinking about doing a piece faces, absolutely awkward faces. That came from a right now where I scan my thumbprint, and then in Viennese sculptor that did a series of busts of people each of the ridge lines I want to put lyrics, poems or with extreme expressions. So I thought that would be lines from books that have influenced me, or caught cool. Just their eyes, noses and mouths. I also want to my eye. I spend a lot of time with music, and there’s do a series of light bulbs, just light bulbs in different places. I’m really influenced by simplicity in objects. the way that certain lines just come up in music that you want to make visual. I don’t think images alone I don’t want to look at massive landscapes; I’d rather can put a message across, and so I’m a huge advocate look at a pot of boiling water on the stove. of putting text in artwork; whether it’s a word, or three CS: So you work mainly through photography? words, or a paragraph, text can say more than having A: Yeah, and that’s something I’d like to continue to someone just assume what you’re trying to get across. become stronger in. Right now, I’m just spending a lot of time doing text and page layout, for posters and CS: What do you listen to while you create? A: I don’t. I don’t listen to music, because I become documents where there’s a lot of information that has so much more involved in the music than I am in my to be organized in an insightful way. But that’s what I artwork. When I listen to music, I’m thinking about like anyway. 13 other things that I want to do with the song that’s CS: Are there specific artists or things that have on, or the style it’s in, so I work in silence because it influenced you? keeps me focused on the project at hand. A: Like you mentioned, “Nude Descending the Staircase, No. 2” [by Duchamp], has been a huge CS: A lot of music is collaboration. Have you ever influence, because it showed that abstract form with collaborated on your art? A: I’ve never collaborated with my art. I guess I an idea behind it can be economically successful. haven’t just because I don’t share well. I don’t want to A professor of mine, Roy Behrens, is a very share my glory. I don’t think artwork is made 50-50; I accomplished book designer and layout designer, think it’s 100 percent your work. I’m not against it in and was taught by a former Bauhaus student, and I 13
  • 14. theory; I’ve had a lot of critiques from other people that can help make your pieces better, but it’s all Don’t let your mom to be taken with a grain of salt, because in this line of work, it’s so easy to just find someone else with dress you anymore. another idea. And at that point, I don’t if that person is telling me something that they are doing, or if they genuinely know my style. CS: What’s your style? A: The design aspect of things. Not necessarily like graphic design, but design in general, like architecture, and the design of paintings. The layout of things. How they’re put together. CS: If you could sum up all your work to date, how would you do it? A: It’s very visual and complex. I’d go from a 6x5 sheet of paper with pen squiggles all over the page, to an 18x24 with my name written 600 times, to a picture of my eyeball. It makes you want to look at it, and figure out why it’s even there. It’s something you want to examine. CS: Where would you like to be headed with all of this? A: I’d like to be involved with book cover design, or designing CD booklets. That’s more someone giving me a block of information and maybe some images, and saying, “hey, put this puzzle together and make it visually appealing”. I’m not so into the creative aspect, as in doing it 100 percent of the time. I don’t have the stamina to create all the time and crank through new ideas; I need something to correspond to grid coordinates and color schemes every once in a while. CS: How do you feel about general attitudes in art today? A: I think art today is so incredibly open to everyone. You see graffiti on walls, you see bumper stickers and screen printed t-shirts, and you realize that anybody with a few bucks can do whatever they want with art. It’s becoming so mainstream, less exclusive than it was 100 years ago. To really succeed, you have to be good, but anyone can get in. I mean, I did. cs Ted Baker London MACANUDO London • New York • Cedar Falls Imported Cigars 14
  • 15. (Audibly Speaking) This issue, our resident music expert Brian Moore presents three albums that are sure to rock your proverbial socks off. This month we look at some albums embracing the fine art of the musical hodgepodge. Guero • Beck The latest album since 2002’s Sea Change, Guero is slightly more upbeat, an eclectic combination of hip-hop, funk, rock, and Latin influences. This alternative icon uses his roots from every culture to create this musical concoction. With the first single, “e-pro”, be- coming an electric guitar foot-stomper, and other songs like “Que Onda Guero” combing sounds of the street with a Latin twist, it’s certainly an addictive mix. If, for some odd reason, you’re not in the mood for all this musical miscegenation, he adds in some down- home Delta blues with “Go it alone”; “Missing” brings a laid back tropical feel to the table. For fans of Beck’s early work (especially Odelay), and those looking favorably upon unique genre mixing, Guero won’t disappoint. Absolution • Muse Brit rockers Muse newest album, Absolution, gives the phrase over the top a new meaning. Frontman Matthew Bellamy combines his classical piano training with fluent hard rock guitar to make Muse a genre all their own. With heavy-hitting singles like “Hysteria” and “Stockholm Syndrome,” Muse has once again outdone themselves with the deploy- ment of powerful lyrics and non-stop classical fusion. With synthesized orchestras and classical piano hammering through the background, tracks like “Blackout” and “Apocalypse Please” sound like Mozart and Radiohead’s bastard child, giving an almost prog rock feel to the proceedings. Consider the fact that there are only three members, and you’ll be knocked even further out of your seat. Miss Absolution and you’ll be looking for it from your religious leaders. Strange and Beautiful • Aqualung Harnessing the awesomely understated power of a baby grand, Matt Hales, the mastermind behind Aqualung, brings an expansive take to pop minimalism. Hales layers soft harmonies over his abstract piano work, and in the process, hits it big with his American debut. “Brighter than Sunshine,” the first single, rubs shoulders with groups like Coldplay and Travis (without trying to be overly intellectual). “Strange and Beautiful” is expected to be the next single, and is destined to be the make-out track for the year. This child prodigy (he was writing songs at four) definitely goes out of his way to present you with heart filled tracks such as “Can’t Get You Out of My Mind”, crafting them with the precision of a skilled surgeon. With so much potential and a pocketful of soulful piano licks, Sir Paul might want to keep an eye over his shoulder. 15
  • 16. (Return to the Cult) In our monthly look back at cult cinema, Brian Moore turns his lens on The Big Lebowski, and examines how it single-handedly re-introduced a generation to bowling, White Russians and Nilhism. Some background? The Big Lebowski (rated R, 117 minutes) is the fifth movie hailing from the collective twisted minds of the Coen brothers. Our movie centers around Jeff “the Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges), an unem- ployed stoner in LA who finds himself confused with a much richer man with the same name and a sizeable debt to known pornogra- phers. When rich Lebowski’s wife, Bunny Lebowski (Tara Reid) is kidnapped and the Dude’s rug urinated upon, he’s subsequently thrown into a strange plot trying to get Bunny back. Along the way, the Dude will use the help of his Vietnam-scarred friend Walter (John Goodman) and the verbally-abused Donnie (Steve Buscemi) to survive the “ins, outs, and what-have-yous”. Look for great per- formances from Julianne Moore, John Turturo and Phillip Seymour Hoffman as well. What’s the big deal? What exactly makes The Big Lebowski a cult classic? Other Coen brothers movies haven’t achieved the same level of notoriety; Fargo was good (even winning a few Oscars in the process), and Rais- ing Arizona certainly had the quirks to make it stick in cult heads. However, both of these movies have failed to reach the same heights of Blockbuster rental stardom; considering that the entire movie essentially revolves around an ill-soiled rug, the premise may just be too bizarre for sober audiences to get a handle on. Besides that, the Dude seems to play to today’s burgeoning youth countercul- ture in a way that other movies don’t, giving us a stoner saving the day, a thought that would be utterly unallowable for the conserva- tive culture encroaching on society. Include the fact that this movie is ridiculously quotable (webpages exist only to list off obscenely memorable lines from the Dude and Walter), and you’ve got a cin- ematic phenomenon, albeit a little late after release . The cult legacy... This movie was, at the time of its release (1998), not considered much of a success, barely breaking even with the 15 million dollar budget months later. However, as is the case with most cult classics, the movie became a huge success when it was released for home video, spreading through word-of-mouth like an advertiser’s wet dream. Drinking games and crazy Lebowski trivia soon deluged the internet, with people counting everything from the number of White Russians imbibed (nine) to the number of times the word ‘fuck’ is used (including variations, 281). As a testament to the film’s cult fol- lowing, The Big Lebowski was recently re-released in two editions, one with a collectible bowling towel and the other boxed with White Russian drink mixes. How should you watch it? With a White Russian in hand and a fresh bowl in the other, of course. Don’t forget to wear your jelly slippers either. cs 16
  • 17. (Challenging the Gallon) Nonfiction by Chuck Dooley Anthropologists have long studied ritual among social symbol. It sounds complex, but in reality, a symbol can groups. These rituals bring people together, and unite be anything that has a deep meaning to a group. In them in a common event or situation. Specifically, rites Christianity, bread and wine operate as symbols for of intensification are those which affirm one’s status Christ’s love and forgiveness. In the Jewish tradition, in society, and reaffirm the society’s commitment to candles symbolize the light of the Sabbath. In addition, maintaining a certain belief or value. These are events these symbols often carry a connection to nature, that tell us who we are, and where we belong in a group. originating from a natural source, but that isn’t required. They renew our connections with others, and point In essence, anything readily accessible and capable of the group in a certain direction. Anthropological and carrying a meaning can become the center for a group’s sociological theory tells us that all groups act in these ritual. unifying rites, and that they are an integral part of our socialization. ••• Even among college students. According to anthropologists, group events It is a typical Thursday night in Cedar Falls, Iowa, designed to build solidarity, require six things to a town known simply for the school it provides a home technically be classified as a ritual, or more specifically, a to, the University of Northern Iowa. Being Thursday night, rite of intensification. the start of the collegiate weekend, it means the students would be looking for fun, for something to do, anything Requirement One but study. Most choose to head out to The Hill, a dense organization of bars and clubs only a block off campus. First and foremost, anthropological ritual needs a But for the freshmen, those too young to partake, they are 17
  • 18. forced to look elsewhere for entertainment. the performing of an involved dance. Or it could be as In room 220 of Noehren Hall, located on the simple as lighting a cigarette in an awkward situation. All Northern Iowa quad, Nick Sievert and Andy Sommer are that matters is that this action is performed by the group, suiting up for the cold November air waiting for them and that the group believes in the action’s efficacy. outside, forty degrees and dropping. Stocking caps, mitts and thick Columbia coats fly on. There are jugs of milk ••• sitting on top of their mini-refrigerator, looking strangely out of place. At eight, the signal is given. All the waiting I ask what they plan on doing with them. tension is unleashed, harnessed and converted into Nick turns to me and smirks. Gallon challenge intestinal fortitude. They have one hour, until nine to drink tonight, he explains. their gallon of milk, whatever it takes. Andy chuckles in the background. The jugs of The dairy-minded dozen simultaneously raise milk remain silent. their jugs to their lips and begin with a gusto that Pretty soon we’re would have shamed the outside, and there’s over world’s greatest athletes. a dozen of us, our breath Wild, boisterous talk is now billowing into the air. replaced with the sole sound Everyone is dressed in of open throats and fast layers, but the chill still finds moving liquids. Milk dribbles a way to creep through to the down the chins of some skin, making it tough to stand trying hard to get an early in one place. The assembled lead. It seems like cheating to crew milled around me, wasting milk by allowing nervously, resembling cattle it to drip off your chin into the waiting for a truck, ironic grass below, but since no one considering each holds a else seems to notice, I let the plastic gallon of milk in their point go. hands. Nick says he’s After the initial rush pleased with the turnout, surveying the crowd of people to drink has subsided slightly, I begin to ask the men standing around the South entrance of Noehren Hall. what the plan of attack is. Like any competition, everyone There’s a small open area of grass in front of where we brings their own unique strategy with them, honed over stand, some men kicking around a soccer ball, apparently experience and reflection. But as I listen to the strategies to keep warm before the competition begins. Nick points forwarded by the competitors, one can’t help but notice to the grass, motioning with broad strokes. That’s where none of them seem grounded in fact. They seem to be it’s going down. the product of mere hunches and superstitions gone incredibly awry. The rules are fuzzy, at best, making one wonder Some of them come with skim milk, arguing that where they came from in the first place. It’s called the the extra fat of two-percenters will slow them down and Gallon Challenge, and the general rule circulating fill the stomach. A few show up with two percent milk, through the crowd is that you must drink a gallon of arguing that the extra fat will help the milk digest better, milk (3.78 liters, for those preferring metric) in an hour, and advance a litany of medical reasons for it. Andy without vomiting. However, if you were to ask everyone shows me his two half-gallon jugs, and explains that standing huddled on the sidewalk, participant or splitting up the task will have the psychological benefit bystander, you would get variations on the theme. You of helping him visualize the goal. None of the arguments have to hold the milk down for an hour. You must drink sound convincing. two percent milk or higher. But these are house rules, and would not be acknowledged if there was a national It is at this point that I notice what some of them governing body for the Gallon Challenge. have done, rather ingeniously; their milk is dyed varying Tonight, simplicity is key. One gallon in one hour. shades with food coloring, a man named Sebastian Anything else goes. tipping back neon green Vitamin D fortified, and another named Brad guzzling a blue variety. Requirement Two In between gulps, I ask why the coloring. Sebastian explains, so we can tell who’s milk it is There must be an action on behalf of the group members when it comes back up. He goes back to his gallon, fast for an event to be considered a ritual. It could be as decreasing. complex as a Mayan body modification ritual, involving That’s the first logical thing I’ve heard all night. extended chanting, recitations of past experiences by Requirement Three initiates, careful attention to the refinements of dress, and 18
  • 19. need to know is that, indeed, it is possible. A ritual must make use of a container. This is most usually However, there are some unique challenges the human body itself, acting as a hospitable container presented to the stomach when milk is introduced. While for spirits or emotions which are desired. Prayer brings milk is approximately 88 percent water, depending on the Holy Spirit into the body. The body can also act as the amount of fat left, it also contains proteins, known a container for physical things, such as the intake of as caseins. These caseins are complex amino acids, communion. Likewise, the spirit may instead originate and coagulate when introduced to acids and heat, thus from a container, such as the cigarette smoked by a making milk curdle. The human stomach is the ideal nervous individual. The possibilities are endless. place for both of these, and thus, introducing milk into the stomach causes curdling, and transformation of the liquid ••• into a more dense solid form, taking up precious room. Also, compared to water, milk takes much longer It’s 8:10, and there’s 50 minutes to go. Already the to process in the stomach, because of its various proteins. initial rush to drink has subsided, and the competitors On an empty stomach, it takes the average human 90 transition to a more restrained style of drink. minutes to fully process a cup of skim milk. The faces of some of the assembled are already Simply put, from a scientific standpoint, it can’t be changing, morphing into an expression of pain, likely done. caused by the rapid expansion of dairy in their stomachs. These people exhibiting the digestive distress are those I mention these facts off-handedly to the that began gulping their milk with the most gusto, and competitors, just to see if it makes them consider the now it’s coming back to haunt them. validity of the event. They all shake it off, let it fall away I look to Nick, who has lost the charismatic spark, from their consciousness as a needless worry. It’s been now just looking like he wants to quit. Retire, and hang up done, they all contest. They know someone, who knows his gallon for good. someone who has done it. Who has kept their milk I ask him how he’s feeling for the first time down. When I press them for names, they defer. I don’t tonight. remember his name, they say. But I know it’s possible. “I feel like shit,” Nick says candidly, not looking at And that gleam of hope, that one of them will pull me. It’s as if looking at me, acknowledging his statement, it off, stays firmly put in their eyes. After a few attempts will give up his charade of toughness. to dissuade these milk-thletes, I give up, for varying Wood is standing tall nearby, still smiling, reasons. Mainly because that glimmer of ambition is confident. His brown Carhart stocking cap falls over his rather compelling. eyes, trying to keep as much of his face warm as possible. Maybe science is wrong on this one, I hope. I can’t feel my hands. Requirement Four What’s the news, Wood? I ask. He laughs and raises his gallon, generic skim, to his face, as if posing for a dairy commercial. The fourth requirement for an event to become a “If I can hold the milk like I hold my liquor, I’m in ritual, according to anthropologists is a balance of good shape,” he says, upbeat, before tipping the jug back intention and surrender. The participants in a group for a triumphant swig. Nick ignores us. must simultaneously desire an outcome or object and surrender themselves to the forces that will make it At this point, perhaps we should look at the happen. This surrender might be to nature, as seen physiology involved with the gallon challenge, if only to in many tribal rituals, or simply to other forces which help us understand the immensity of their task. remain beyond their direct control. The human stomach is an amazing organ when one looks closer at its construction and capability. It ••• can stretch and accommodate approximately a quart of food and liquid, protect itself from a heavily acidic It’s 8:30. Halfway, and it is now obvious at this environment, and absorb key nutrients from the churning point that the excitement, the bravado of a half-hour ago, mess. However, medically, there are limits to the has vanished. The smiles have disappeared, leaving stomach’s powers of digestion, and the gallon challenge frowns and worried looks. The competitors are huddling will place it under the ultimate test. in the now officially frigid night air, reduced to taking Let it be said that it is theoretically possible to only occasional sips from their stagnant milk. The crowd drink a gallon of water in an hour. When water enters seems to hold steady at a half-gallon, lacking any real the stomach, it is both absorbed by the stomach’s motivation to keep imbibing. most of them have lost track lining and passed onto the small intestine for further of the time anyway. absorption. This happens almost instantly, because The stars are out, a clear sky presiding overhead, there are no complex molecules to be broken down in and I look up, wondering just how many other gallon water. Of course, a person drinking a gallon of water challenges are going on at this exact moment. How many in under an hour would approach the medical limits of college students, bored and only old enough to buy hyperhydration, if not renal failure, but for now, all we mass quantities of milk, are standing outside their dorms, 19
  • 20. taunting each other to drink? Andy and I look in amazement, curious as to what brought They should really organize this thing, I think. about his sudden nausea. Suddenly, the crowd grows restless. There’s Mixing milk, Nick says, through clenched teeth. movement, increasing conversation. Taunts fly, and one Mixing foods, just makes me queasy. young man emerges from the crowd and stands in the Kind of like eggs, Andy says with a laugh, and I middle of the field, in front of everyone. His name, I hear Nick give a heave. He waves at Andy angrily to shut gather from the now yelling crowd, is Greg, decked out in up. Andy continues, explaining that eggs, in any form, matching black stocking cap and thin coat. He holds his make Nick nauseous. Just talking about them brings on gallon, about half-finished in front of him, seeming to feed a terribly violent dry heave. Nick flicks us off and walks off the growing frenzy in the group. away, making sure to carry his gallon with him, although I run out to Greg to see what is going on. He is it appears that he has lost any interest in finishing it. shaking his head, eyes closed. But he will, because he is not Ryan. The gallon “I wanna puke,” he says over the taunting coming challenge is, above all, motivated by an immense from the sidewalk. “My stomach hurts.” pride in its contestants, if not sheer stupidity. No one It’s odd. People yell a combination of wants to be the person that quits simply because of the encouragement, and chants for him to lose it all in the sheer discomfort occasioned by expanding milk in the grass. They want him to finish, but at the same time, stomach. Ryan has become the night’s metaphor for a want him to be the first sacrifice, the first to expose his lack of conviction, and no one wants to be associated weakness in the form of regurgitated milk. with him. It becomes obvious that the stigma of quitting is And then it comes, only a minute later, in fast immense, and everyone avoids it like the plague. flowing streams. The competitors, and the slowly- Curiously, vomiting does not carry the same assembled bystanders let out a collective cheer, stigma. Rather, in contrast, vomiting is expected, if not comprised of both excitement and disgust. desired. It seems that after fifteen or twenty minutes, the Greg wipes his nose, and kicks his gallon of milk competitors abandon hope of being that glorious being over in obvious disappointment. The remaining milk that drinks a gallon flawlessly. Their goals turn towards trickles into the grass shamefully. simply lasting as long as medically possible, before the I walk back over to the sidewalk, where there is a gas, and the bloating are too much to overcome. renewed vibrancy in the crowd. Challenges to chug milk Requirement Five fly, the men testing each other’s threshold for a dare. The vomit incident has seemingly emboldened them. I ask Nick who will be the next to lose it. Despite A fifth requirement for ritual status is for a complete his outward smile, I can tell he’s hurting. integration of body and mind, or human and nature. “Me,” he says, straight-faced. “It’s me.” The group must balance their mental selves with their And he says it like he really wants to, like that is physical selves during the rite to achieve the desired now the desirable goal. effects. Substances may be used to help achieve this balance, but it is primarily the task of the individual to Among this general jocularity in the crowd, I hear calm the mind amidst pain or other stressors. them mentioning a man named Ryan, and I realize we haven’t seen him in a while. I ask some of the guys where ••• Ryan is. Someone known simply as Wood, overhearing our conversation, jumps in, explaining he heard from And with 20 minutes left in the hour, Nick, Andy Sebastian, that Ryan chugged half a gallon of milk in and Brad step proudly into the field, where Greg had just something like 5 minutes, and now he’s sick, hanging lost his hopes of winning the gallon challenge. It’s unsure shamefully over his dorm room sink. Someone says he of what they have in mind, whether the three are going can’t even stand up. Someone else murmurs something to try and finish their gallons in a brave flash, or whether derogatory about him. they plan on ending their chance now too. He’d failed the Gallon Challenge horribly. He’d We can do this, they are saying to each other, let down the group, and now it was getting personal. trying to bolster their confidence, to strengthen the mental game, which is becoming increasingly important. Andy has a sudden epiphany, if you could call it Mind over matter. that. Up until now, he has been drinking fairly equally off As the shouts emerge from the sidewalk, they both of his half-gallons, chocolate and straight up two- hoist their milk proudly, simultaneously up to those frozen percent. He reports in chilled breaths, that the chocolate lips and open their throats, going for the glory. has been going down a little easier than the plain milk, Almost immediately Andy and Nick drop their and decides to mix his remaining milk. He steadies his jugs to the ground, and the milk comes back up, even hands and liberally pours some of the chocolate into his harder than Greg. The crowd on the sidewalk cheers, two-percent. The chocolate mixes quickly in swirls and as Brad joins them, and the tri-vomit continues brutally, eventually both jugs are dark. unaffected by the crowd’s taunts. Nick, watching on, suddenly gets queasy. He turns Someone takes them paper towels to wipe up. around abruptly, covering his mouth and closing his eyes. Brad’s blue-enhanced milk mixes with Andy’s chocolate 20
  • 21. in the grass. The food coloring did its job. sidelines. Andy quickly disappears, leaving his half-gallon The three raise their gallons and in the milk goes. jug behind, spilling it’s contents into the grass. It’s unclear Milk streams down their cheeks, down their chins. They if Andy’s upset and disappointed with his performance, put the gallons down, but so far no one has lost their or if he simply wants to get inside and warm up. I assume milk. The spectators on the sidewalk are awed, almost to it’s a combination of both. Brad likewise leaves, and Nick silence, by this show of intestinal fortitude. stands alone in the field, wiping the remnants of milk of But closer, it becomes obvious that they are still his face. mortals. Ian rubs his stomach through his coat, beginning He flashes me a semi-smile, in a show of strength. to breathe heavy. I ask how it feels. “My belly’s tight,” he says, several times in a row. “Besides the shit It’s almost childlike in its coming out my nose, I tone. feel pretty good,” he says, The fortitude throwing the used paper does not last for long, towel on the ground. and soon, almost in Immediately unison, the three lose he walks towards the their milk, streams of sidewalk, to the remaining dairy crossing paths and competitors, who are bringing about another still playing it safe, still howl of approval from the sipping their milk like sidewalk. This round of expensive brandy. vomiting is more intense “Who’s next?” than the other two, and Nick yells, pointing at it seems the crowd is random people. enjoying it. The gloves were Sebastian drops coming off. his milk and grins in my direction. Requirement Six “It feels great when it’s done,” he says, Anthropologists say that shaking the milk out of his true ritual must induce nose. some level of discomfort, awkwardness, embarrassment or resistance to the It’s now 8:50. The crowd is dwindling, those who ritual. In this way, the members are drawn together have vomited heading for warmer locales. There remains through their shared experience. Deep rituals in a group a small group of competitors still on the sidewalk, bring vulnerability, but that is what helps these rites of brandishing their jugs of milk like weapons. They are intensification bind its disparate parts together. in pain, very obviously. I remind them there is only ten minutes left. ••• A man named Mike steps forward into the grass. It looks like he might be able to win, if he just spaces out Sebastian burps loudly as he strolls through the his remaining milk through ten minutes. I mention this to crowd, taunting and jostling the remaining competitors. him, to give some encouragement, but he just shakes his He is sitting good at this point, with only a quarter of his head at what seems to be the sheer absurdity of the idea. gallon left to guzzle. Surprisingly he’s still smiling; most of Ten more minutes of agony? the competitors at this point are becoming stone-faced, He chugs and throws up, and one by one, the apparently hoping a stoic attitude will ease the pressure remaining competitors step up and do the same. No one in their abdomen. seems eager to last out the remaining ten minutes. There “I’m feeling confident. Confidence is the key, but is no desire; the men just want to puke and officially finish I know I’m gonna puke,” Sebastian reports, somewhat their attempt at the gallon challenge. paradoxically. And soon, it is done. Soon, Wood and a man named Ian step into the field, apparently their turn to chug. People are getting ••• ready for their turn, and it seems that this move to the middle of the field is symbolic of their readiness to quit It is now empty, quiet outside, where there was the grueling gallon challenge. only minutes ago chanting and yelling, taunting and “Let’s chug!” Wood proclaims loudly, raising encouragement for a competition that was never really his almost empty gallon into the air, rallying the troops. winnable. Milk gallons litter the ground, discarded liquid Sebastian runs out to the middle of the field, but no one mixing with disappointment. else will join them, content to simply fling taunts from the In only an hour, a dozen college students 21
  • 22. unwittingly engaged in one of the most uncomfortable anthropological rituals ever devised in a civilized society. And yet, even though no one finished, no one had the serve chilled fortitude to go an hour with a stomach full of dairy products, they still all considered it a success. Perhaps the success lies in the fact that they all failed. That they all managed to follow the thousands of people that failed before them. And that they have something in common with those people. And through this continuance of a challenge, where no one can trace the exact origins, the dozen men standing in the freezing cold Iowa air built a friendship, a solidarity, that will last. At least until next year’s challenge. cs Breitling So you know just how late you are ipodLounge.com 22
  • 23. (Open Letter) This month, our pro-bono gripester, Tyler Wyngarden, takes his aim at the inhabitants of the local fitness club. To My Gym Friends: To Hollywood Lifter: As you lift, you fill the gym with your masculine grunts and groans, sounds that otherwise defy description. You might tell your Golds Gym buddies that they help you power squat an extra three reps, but the rest of us know you just like the attention. Yes, you have some big muscles. Don’t get me wrong; they are impressive, and you’ve earned every inch (we know this, because you measure your biceps with tailor’s tape after every workout). But, we think you miss the fact that you also have a pony tail and goatee which both serve only to make you look absolutely ridiculous. You may think it makes you look like a badass, but you also neglect the fact that you are sporting the same hairstyle as every member of the Pilates class down the hall. To Bearded Guy with Two Hot Girls: Blood, not Cop Land). However, your acne-ridden face You look like a hippie lost in the new century (the crystal betrays the beauty of your classically-sculpted body; I’m around the neck and the Sagittarius tattoo on the forearm working off of assumptions here, but I’m guessing your confirm this), and simply put, I applaud you. Even the zits are so buff that even Oxy pads have no effect. Or it’s Hollywood Lifter does not garnish his bench two girls at all the steroids. Honestly, I’d ask you, but I’m afraid you’d once (I suspect they cannot provide the proper spotting eat my head for protein. for the military press). I want to know your story. Who are those girls? Are you their trainer? Are they your To Skinny Old Guy: You’re pretty cool, and needless to girlfriends? Is it your girlfriend and her friend? Her say, I have a strong admiration for you. Sure, you wear sister? Her roommate? Can I have one? Whatever the socks that cover your entire shin, but I believe that’s case may be, bravo. coming back anyway. However, you’re built like a number two pencil (but with many more wrinkles) and I would To Elijah Wood Guy: You look just like him, seriously. I am recommend that you try pushing less weight. You may be tempted to ask for an autograph. strong for your age (e.g. can lift the Sunday paper without help), but I’m surprised you’re still alive and functioning To Intense Blonde Girl: You really don’t mess around. with the way you overload the machines, no matter what You lift extremely heavy weights, considering how thin Hardcore Trainer advises. Remember (if you still can) that and delicate you look. For some reason, knowing that slow and steady wins the race. you could dead-lift me (for several sets) is strangely attractive. One of these days I am going to introduce To Hardcore Trainer: I don’t care if you were a Navy Seal; myself, and we’ll meet for coffee sometime, maybe get if you yell out “You da man!” to a struggling client one married. Just a thought. However, the thought of your more time, I’m going to fill out a comment card with so hand crushing mine in a deadly kung-fu grip keeps me many negative comments regarding your abilities, it’ll from approaching; I continue to hope that Bearded Guy make your head spin. And if you weren’t roughly 76 times upsets one of his girls. my size, actually fill out the ‘name’ and ‘address’ section of that card. To Mr. Walking Pharmacy: You vaguely resemble a walking GNC store, except without the weight-loss To Pasty Guy Lifting Five Pound Weights: I need to stop supplements. I’ve never seen anyone carry around that flexing in this mirror and workout. Or make friends with many juices, powders and pills, but they apparently work cs Mr. Walking Pharmacy. because you’re built like Sly Stallone (circa Rambo: First 23
  • 24. (Plain Speaking) This month, T. Dally Waterhaus looks to examine the real problem with national politics, and if there remains any way to save the hollowed instritution. As the ever-expanding war on terror blazes on in Iraq, with Kennedy for the 1960 campaign. Nixon could hardly battles over Supreme Court nominations continue and be called the most appealing political candidate; it is subpoenas being handed out all over Capitol Hill, probably obvious that the American people were picking it seems that national politics has hit an all-time low. the best of two horrible choices (he won in one of the This assessment of the situation, based on the facts widest-ever margins over McGovern). After a turmoil- emanating from the media (which is a whole other debate filled decade and the continuing specter of economic I acknowledge), is that of a giant dung pile, which is not troubles, it might be that the average citizen simply at all off-base. Indeed, it seems that party lines are being wanted some safety, and saw plain looks and controlled, dug ever deeper in the collective sand that is Washington, soothing words from their politicians as the main comfort. and the country remains extremely polar, seeming But then Nixon lied and the country seemingly to become more so as the months pass. However, the went uber-protective. With a unison chorus of, “we’re underlying problem with today’s political state lies not sorry, but we’ve just had our heart broken too many with any one group or ethos, but with a general absence times,” the country elected Gerald Ford and hoped that of personality. It stands to reason that our greatest hope his utter lack of pizzazz meant that he’d walk the straight for deliverance may come in the form of late-night talk and narrow, and wouldn’t throw us any curveballs. Ford show appearances and shameless baby-kissing. even described himself blandly as, “a moderate in Politics were handed to us formerly from the domestic affairs, a conservative in fiscal affairs”. What a Greeks, but mankind has been pleading one another safe bet! for support in under-handed schemes since the dawn After Ford’s election (and Nixon’s pardon) of time. A strong sense of oration and firm knowledge the country sputtered along, looking for a jumpstart, of rhetorical techniques (another contribution from our someone to move the national consciousness to friends in Greece) became necessary to move crowds something greater. The savior? to action, whether it was raising an army or raising a Jimmy Carter? The peanut guy? barn. And proficiency in persuasion, with a charming Since those muddled days, it seems that personality to match, was a requirement of those looking America has evolved to stick with “the safe bet”, to vote to be successful in state-craft. In and support politicians with no It stands to reason that our the old days of popular politics, if personality. The only plausible greatest hope for deliverance your voice wasn’t strong enough, reason for this feeling is that the your ideas were unsupported and stoic face of a boring president may come in the form of unprepared, or you just weren’t seems somewhat…professional. late-night talk show appearances And this, this act of utter stupidity, interesting, you lost your audience and shameless baby kissing. to other pursuits (like butter will be the both the figurative and churning or chimney sweeping). literal death of a great nation. And this trend continued Our politicians seem to from the old days to the modern. Fiery orators crossed lack the gumption to voice an honest opinion, for starters. the country, inspiring crowds of new Americans to action When a question on any potentially controversial topic (whether it was labor organization or the equally dreadful is tossed their way, they duck the query and toss back a abolishment of alcohol). They shaped this nation, even generic reply capable of satisfying any group, much like helping bring us women’s sovereignty and the advent of horoscopes from the local newspaper. And the fact that modern civil rights. But then something changed. Maybe private business interests have bought the integrity of it was Vietnam, bell bottoms, or the persistent acid our nation’s leaders, the odds of a representative having flashbacks, but something just snapped for the American an original stance on a topic is rare anyway. There are no people, and the downward slide ensued. revolutionary and utterly bold ideas being placed on the Of course it was a gradual slipping away. Johnson national stage, no challenges to the American citizen to was a decent president, assuming of course what he was succeed. thrown into, and the quagmire of Vietnam hanging over Successful presidents in our history are those his administration. Although he wasn’t as fashionable his who inspired the country in times of trial or uncertainty. former boss, lacking the outright charisma of Kennedy, Jefferson planted the idea of moving West, Lincoln the former senator knew how to use “straight-talk”, how brought two sides together, and FDR got a nation working to get past the bullshit and connect with people on a again. Kennedy took us to the moon. These people basic level. stimulated us, their utter charm and vision brought the Johnson’s predecessor was Nixon, who, it should nation together for a common goal. But that desire for a be noted, lost the good-looking vote in previous debates common project has been absent from national politics 24
  • 25. for several decades now. And the lack of a goal leads vice-presidential candidate, a young senator with lots of to the apathy of the American people. Apathy means energy, it was too late and Bush eventually won. It was the that people stop caring about the nation. A falling apart man with more public appeal (albeit very little to start of society through carelessness is what drags great with) and who didn’t rock the boat. It was like our nation civilizations to their death. had just settled. And despite the fact that we are slowly killing With times becoming more and more stressing, ourselves with every faceless candidate to take the combining high oil prices, record deficit and a prolonged podium, we continue to favor the flavorless. One of the insurgency operating in Iraq, the American people most recent examples comes from the 2004 presidential need politicians to be bold, to come up with ideas to race. Heavily favored early on was Howard Dean, a reenergize us. They cannot be afraid to break the mold, charismatic speaker with a to speak straight with the powerful grassroots push citizens. Clinton provided the behind him. However, when country with a glimmer of hope he got to the Iowa primaries, of breaking that barrier; he he gave an enthusiastic shout, mingled like it was completely louder than any politician in natural for him (which is rare the previous half-century had for many politicians). He dared raise his voice. The clip played the saxophone, loved was immediately all over the junk food and even smoked a media, with conservatives, little pot. America seemed to and even some moderates, be loosening the tie for a little calling him everything bit, but one mistake in the Oval from “unpresidential” to Office sent us hurdling back “emotionally unstable”. It towards Al Gores and Dick was a brutal lambasting of Cheneys. The thematically Dean’s excitement, and the bland. knee-jerk reaction from those With citizens slipping who prefer dry toast. towards apathy, smart and And what did we savvy politicians are needed get in place of Dean? John now more than ever to voice Kerry, a man as droll as Al their opinions to get this Gore, and as attractive as country back on track. This an aged prune. Kerry ran has no longer become a party against incumbent George problem; political relevancy After his Iowa performance, Dean W., another candidate playing has become entered dangerous would go on to lose every of the next it middle of the field, with territory of extinction, which the always ready-to-mumble could send the US the way of 17 primaries, sticking the democratic Dick Cheney as running Caesar’s empire. cs voters with John Kerry. mate. And although Kerry adopted John Edwards as his [A Rebuttal: Politics is a Serious Business] by Gene Parme The governing of a country, especially the complex entities that are modern, industrialized nations, is an important business. In fact, politics has evolved into that of a career, with people devoting their lives (and pricely college educa- tions) towards developing their skills at leadership in tough situations. Gone are the days of volunteer servitude to the state, where a person served for the greater good of society. With the advent of the age of the professional politico, it would only be logical that the people involved in these endeavors be professional and rational, just as your investment advisor or building contractor must be in ap- proaching their respective jobs. People with tempers, or dispositions towards excitement have no place in a position so critical to the sustinance of our great country. That said, it should also be noted that simply because one does not scream and shout about proposals does not mean they lack passion to see the tasks through. George W. Bush has achieved medicare reform and protected the country and his fellow citizens from further terrorization, all through bold action and compromise. If he, or any other member of the administration has climbed the bully pulpit and waved his fist around madly, nothing would have been accomplished. Politicians, such as Howard Dean, that try to achieve simply by bullying with voice and threat have proven to be ineffective in the long-run. America’s growth may be in a tenuous position at present, but it is definite that the United States are better today for a moderate, rational political temperment. 25
  • 26. (The Dumbing of America) Essay by Esther Alejo I know the suggestion sounds rather harsh, but could this be the case with the current condition of our nation today? I heard this interesting catch phrase from a good friend not too long ago. He is a professor at a local college and he enjoys current fads in a number of forms of media. We’ve sat around on many evenings discussing any number of topics, and one night television became our topic for exploration. We agreed on the fact that television has literally become a cesspool of inane fare to be consumed by a more than eager public. Does the consumption of this type of viewing diminish the viewer’s IQ, and for that matter, their ability to use common sense? Are today’s television viewers intellectual level being affected by the lack of intellectually stimulating programming? It does not look promising. The current fad in television programming offers the American public a wide array of so called “reality shows”. For example, there are shows about is certainly debatable) ex-stripper who married an inept parents falling out of control, giving in to over- extremely wealthy grandfather type. She inherited a stimulated, expletive spewing children. We are then nifty little sum for what appeared to be a few months of led to believe that the dysfunctional mess of a family is marriage, to a man who probably went to school with transformed into a model family by the end of the show. Moses and has his stone tablet diploma in the closet. And This amazing feat is performed by an ever-efficient we are to watch her babble incessantly and eat tubs of British nanny, who as it turns out, appears to have the ice cream. The Ed Sullivan Show holds no candle to this. knowledge of the ages as well as the patience of a saint Would I be going out on a limb to suggest this (making one wonder, that if the British nanny organization as a conspiracy? Could this be a way for the haves to is such an efficient well oiled machine, what on earth keep the have-nots pacified and in the dark? What are went wrong with Prince Harry!). At the end, the children the chances that people in high offices prefer this type are thus transformed, through a stranger’s love. of viewing for the American public, as opposed to shows We are also fed shows where people are dared to which make us think and ask questions. As opposed to do what appear to be rather dangerous stunts, something books, which can enlighten us. It has long been common which should be left up to only the best of Hollywood knowledge among the rich and powerful for many years stuntmen (Lord only knows if the contestants are insured). now that our society has little power of thinking in the On this same show, should you choose not to do the presence of the “boob tube”. stunt, you are then challenged to eat any number of vile, This slavery to the wooden box has residual disgusting, slimy creatures, or at the very least, allow the effects on the other areas of our culture as well. We producers to put you in a box and cover you in them. are becoming numb to politics and the efforts of those This certainly has to be the type of viewing fare governing us. It can already be seen to pervert our destined to stimulate the old grey matter. I’m sure of it; previously sound sense of American logic. The current I couldn’t imagine there would be absolutely no value debate in some school districts today wanting to to this type of viewing! Why would anyone choose to sit incorporate creationism into the science curriculums, in down and read a classic book, something that challenges an attempt to undermine the theory of evolution, shows the mind and imagination, when they could be watching this. Logically we know that evolution is scientifically someone eating a plate of slimy cow eyes, or someone sound; yet, we allow these ideas, which the ruling party laying in a box and allowing themselves to be covered tells us about in prime-time, to invade our educational with giant cockroaches? Hell yeah! system, which is supposed to be the bedrock of our And let us not forget the shows about old rock society! stars barely capable of coherent conversation, and whose Does this dumbing of America confuse our sense entire family has a very limited vocabulary, limited of values so badly that we allow immoral behavior of mainly to cursing and whining. There is also that jewel politicians to go unchecked? We “true” Americans were of a cable show about an over-developed (‘developed’ so enraged with a president who was caught having 26
  • 27. sex in the oval office! So morally outraged were we as a nation, that we vilified him and the first lady. Then as a show of our “family values society” we impeached From Jayne Sigel, the author of him. And yet, the question of retribution in the current administration, the idea of punishment, seems so Feminism 4: The Fourth distant and illogical. Why would anyone even consider Generation impeaching anyone in an Administration so honest and moral? Television tells us that they are acting in our best comes a book that will interests. Why should anyone care if the American public challenge the masculine status was lied to about weapons of mass destruction? After all, wouldn’t you rather watch The Bachelor than read about quo as we know it. these silly old political scandals? And for heaven’s sake, don’t question our (morally superior) leaders about why this war was really initiated; just watch some Survivor instead (it’s the season finale!). Dare we show any outrage “Sigel does it again, with sharp prose that ab- at the fact of so many American lives lost for what was solutely bites at the heels of accepted mascu- apparently false justification! Forget about the war in line practice everywhre” - Time Iraq, CIA leaks to the press, politicians under indictment for illegal campaign fundraising. How un-American we are to question any of these issues! Just stop the presses “Another pert look at what is wrong in gender and watch the TV (nothing informative of course, and studies today, and a rare solution to the definitely not PBS). Just relax and let that magic box lead problem” - Feminista! you into a state of bliss, and let them do your thinking for you. No more stress, no more worries, just loads and loads of mindless fun. cs From the Bedroom to the Boardroom: Who the hell says literature is dead? Shattering the Midtown Books 7004 Surrey Drive NE Masculine Moulds. Cedar Rapids, IA 52402 319-772-6442 www.MidtownBooks.com Out next month, from Inkling Press 27