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  • 1. FreeTweeterA collection of tweets by Fredrik Hamer 2009 – 2011 second edition twitter.com/fredrikhamer Fredrikhamer©2011
  • 2. A. ABC cancels long-running soap "All my children". The last viewer, a 114 year old man from Montana, died today. * A caste system inside a company creates unproductiveness. * Actor Warren Beatty slept with almost 13000 women, but no G-spot. *Actress Jessica Biel the most dangerous celebrity to search in cyberspace. Tell me. My mom would kill me if she caught me. *A dream creates a temporary reality. Some people hear a big bang when they wake up. * A fractal indicates a lack of creativity. * Alcohol more harmful than heroin, crack or cocaine, scientists claim. Amy Winehouse wants a second opinion. *Adopted Man finds out his biological father is Charles Manson. Daddy is so proud. He’s planning a surprise party for his son. * America broke? No way! The standard of living is still as high as in Kenya. *American students do poorly in science, report says. The Government is considering re- opening Operation Paperclip. * America is great. Last month we went camping in California. We got free food stamps everywhere. * Americans number one pot-smoking. Barrack Obama defends his own weed-time by saying he thought he was smoking the peace pipe. *
  • 3. Amusing: Marie Osmond as stewardess in the Sonny & Cher Show in 1976. I really love overacting girls. * Angela Merkel seizes power, but still calls Germany Europe. *An Occupy activist comes to the doctor and he puts a tent up in the consulting room. The doctor says: I give you five days. * An old video proves that Lady Gaga isn’t a man. I can’t wait for the video that proves Lady Gaga is a lady. * Anthony Weiner proves American politics is all about sticky little fingers. *A Pennsylvania woman claims Donald Duck grabbed her breast at the Walt Disney World park. Donald says he was just counting the eggs. * Apple App Store reaches 10 billion downloads. That explains why my download took 10 billion seconds. * Are spirits dreamers? * Arnold Schwarzenegger jumping Brigitte Nielsen is a better plot than Mitt Romney jumping Sarah Palin. * Arnold Schwarzenegger organized a garage sale to prevent California bankruptcy. A garage sale by Playboy Hugh Hefner could save the nation. * Arsenal-manager Arsène Wenger: Premier League no longer a Scrooge McDuck competition. Every teams a winner. *
  • 4. A schoolgirl’s attempt to sail solo around the world lasted just 24 hours. But Jessica Watson (16) broke the world record treading water. * As Silvio Berlusconi awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect (Kafkaesque quote). *A 2m shot for Letterman because he slept with several women and a 12m shot for Cleese because he slept with his own wife. Life isn’t fair. *A 24-year-old man claims he is Michael Jacksons biological son. Thats five. Michael was not only moon walking; he landed on Venus too.
  • 5. B. Bad days for dictators worldwide. Thousands of jobs losses were announced by Swiss banks. * Bad news for Herman Cain. Postal cuts mean that the postman doesn’t ring twice anymore. * Baldness: new hair is so small that it appears virtually invisible to the naked eye. No wonder I only can date girls with big eyeglasses. * Barack Obama adopts Dutch healthcare system. A clever way of Marijuana decriminalization. *Barack Obama calls Kanye West a jackass. What a rapper’s delight to be offended by the most powerful man in the world. * Barack Obama jokes about his falling approval ratings at correspondent’s dinner. His predecessor invaded Iraq. *Barack Obama makes a fool out of Donald Trump. Bill Cosby and Archie Bunker as rivals in Washington. * Barack Obama says he owes his presidency to a palm reader. * Barack Obama vs. Herman Cain. The Tea Party is considering a white vote. *Barack Obama wants Colonel Gaddafi to leave, Sarah Palin wants Barack Obama to leave and Colonel Gaddafi wants Sarah Palin as his nurse. * Because of the crisis, trick-or-treating only in Chinatown this year. * Behind every great democrat theres a wrong republican. *
  • 6. Belgian police recruits under prison inmates. Well, if you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. The fire department has good experience with arsonists. *Beyoncé, Mariah Carey, Nelly Furtado, Jennifer Lopez. The girls probably thought Colonel Gaddafi was the Prime Minister of Italy. * Big Brother winner accused of selling drugs. Jail feels like coming home for this guy. Cameras everywhere. * Bin Laden: Deep sea fishing has never been so popular. * Bin Laden wanted to change al-Qaidas bloodied name, but Tea Party Movement was already taken. *Birth certificate shows president Obama was born in Hawaii, but the contractions started in Kenya. *Bizar. Buy a truck, get a free AK-47 in Sanford Florida. Now you never have to stop at a pedestrian crossing. *Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches says she had a near death experience. God just wanted a signed photo. *Bono and Obama have met in Oval Office to discuss Africa. Now the U2 Lead singer truly believes Africans originally came from Hawaii. * Brave new world: Tent City. *Brazilian woman dies twice. The first time she went to heaven; the second time to hell. For cheating. *
  • 7. British women wear mini-skirts until the age of 40 and men look at women in mini-skirts who are younger than 30. *Broccoli may prevent strokes and heart attacks. The children hope that the vegetable will only be available on prescription soon. * Buffett rule doesnt hurt me; Michelin restaurants accept food stamps.
  • 8. C. California rocks. Arnold Schwarzenegger is a rocket man. * Capitalism for sale in America. * Carmageddon in LA? Wait til God closes the tunnel to heaven. *Chaos in Egypt. Even the mummies want to flee the country, but only Transylvania wants to grant asylum to death people. * Chris Lees sex scandal shocks republicans. Poor guy Chris. I dont think the local Job Service office offers mouth jobs. * Climate plan splits U.S. and Europe. Meanwhile, God just can’t choose between global warming and global cooling. *Coast guard shrinks passenger boat capacities as waistlines expand. Now you can eat for a private yacht. * Colonel Gaddafi says he was born and raised in a tent. Well, camping with Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez sounds great fun to me. *Colonel Gaddafi will not be attending the London 2012 Olympics, but the Libyan athletes are going for gold at the Paralympic. * Company launches souvenir condoms to commemorate the marriage of prince William and Kate Middleton. Im my parents wedding gift. * Credit crisis Ireland: the Irish flee country. Credit crisis Greece: the Irish flee country. *
  • 9. Current crisis shows that Chinese are great Monopoly players. *Cyndi Lauper flubs National Anthem at US Open, but her body language was perfect.
  • 10. D. Dancing with the stars finalist Bristol Palin says everyone hates her because of her mother. I dont think thats fair to mom. * David Hasselhoff claims he wasn’t drunk last weekend; he had an ear infection. I do believe him. Children and drunks always speak the truth. *David Letterman is so busy making fun about Jay Leno’s misery that the interns want to sue him for sexual neglect. * David Letterman is so obsessed by Jay Leno. His wife begs him to reopen his sex chamber. * Debbie Harry has claimed that she almost fell victim to Ted Bundy. Yet more proof that serial killers practicing with Barbie dolls. * Death is a dream reality. * Déjà vu in dreams. *Dictators and tyrants cant wait for the next Republican President; capitalism is less lethal than democracy. * Disney’s Magic Kingdom visitors in Orlando want their money back. The snow is real. * Dominique Strauss-Kahns rehabilitation is bad news for women, credible or not. * Donald Trump cant lose a Presidential race because he cant win. * Donald Trump not running for President; hes too busy running from creditors.
  • 11. *Donald Trump, Osama Bin Laden have something in common. They both love towers. * Due the crisis Greek men have to bring their own wives to a bacchanal.
  • 12. E. Egypt celebrates. Unfortunately, in an explosive area the eviction of a Trojan Horse can be more dangerous than tolerating it. * 11-22-1963. 9-11-2001. 12-21-2012. *Emma Watsons first day of college. She turned up in a helicopter. Flying on a broomstick is not allowed in America since the 9-11 attacks. * Euro crisis hits both Greece and Spain; British holidaymakers trash their own neighborhoods. *Everybodys friend Larry King ends record-setting run on CNN. Piers Morgans choice for 1st interview? Conan OBrien of course! * Every flu tells a story. * Every time I see Sarah Palin in public I have the weird feeling God has forgotten to patent women. * Expensive divorces creates cheap weddings. Ask Paul the Beatle.
  • 13. F. Favorite time killer on a golf course: Knock on Woods. * Film industry hit by swine flu. It seems that you can snort flu too. * 50th birthday Diego Maradona. I thought God was older. * Flies prove that reincarnation exists. * Florida man finds frog in his Pepsi can. The frog died of thirst. * For Conan OBrien breasts are just bar graphs of Nielsen ratings. * For God we live our lives from death to birth. * Former US Generals say obesity is the latest national security threat. All McDonald’s employees are on the FBI’s terrorist watch list now. * For Steve Jobs Gods just another Bill Gates. *For the richest one percent the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come will be a Democrat this year. * 40 percent of Americans still believe in creationism and 60 percent of Americans still believe in dessert. Thats good news for Sarah Palin. * Fox dominates presidential race: American Idol versus Americas Most Wanted. *French President Sarkozy wants to tax CO2 emissions. I hope the bill stays in France. My girl is a heavy breather.
  • 14. *French writer Antoine Buéno claims Smurfs are racist, sexist and totalitarian. Come on, Antoine, the Smurfs just love tea parties. * From D-Day to E-Day; it’s all about the Germans again.
  • 15. G. George Clooney named as witness in Berlusconi sex case. Clooney claimed he was just Berlusconis body double in a home video. *George H.W. Bush calls Mitt Romney best choice for GOP. The former President sees Mitt as the son he never had. *German chancellor Angela Merkel quickly threw away her pink maid suit after the arrest of Dominique Strauss-Kahn. * German newspaper Bild publishes Tiger Wood calendar. Each day it reveals a new mistress. I prefer the Warren Beatty 24 hour calendar. * God is everywhere, but I always lose at hide and go seek. * God is not happy with all that extraterrestrial life. Heaven is full. * God retweeted me; now Ive got two personalities. *Google working on search results without searching: contextual discovery. My girl goes for sextual discovery: sex without sex. * Greece lightning go Greece lightning. * G20 summit: Michelle Obama kisses Brown, Merkel and Medvedev, but not Berlusconi. No wonder, the Italian Mob is too adept at kissing.
  • 16. H. Happy meal no happy deal in San Francisco. Hey teacher, leave them kids alone. *Hard times for air travellers. I only feel safe sitting next to Paris Hilton; she never wears underwear. * Harold Campings wife sabotaged his abacus; She has an appointment with the hairdresser next Tuesday. * Heather Mills orders a new artificial leg. Ex-husband Paul McCartney hopes he can buy the old one. It was the only body part that felt real. * Herman Cain definitely has the X-rated factor. *Herman Cain suspends campaign. But don’t worry, Cain does not suspend his mistresses. * Hidden unique number in DNA will explain our past and future. * Hide and seek game Barrack Obama and Gordon Brown in New York. The British Prime Minister cries “Ollie ollie oxen free” all day long. * Hillary Clintons foreign policy: I see dead people. *Hollywoods Oscars 2011: Colonel Gaddafi is nominated for actor in a leading role for his performance in the remake of The Great Dictator. * Human is the progenitor of garbage.
  • 17. I. I, at any rate, am convinced that scientists do throw dice. *IBM computer Watson wins "Jeopardy!". Rumors say Michael Moore will play Watson in a remake of Quiz show. * I can’t read white lines on white paper. * If Michele Bachmann wins the Presidency, she will yell the oath of office. * If the war in Libya last too long NATO soldiers have to play the role of rebels. * I have always been a god-fearing man; nowadays I’m a priest-fearing man. *Ikea catalogue beats the Bible. What a waste. You can make lots of crosses from all that wood. * I’m an Android linked in twitter. * Imagine theres no Beatles. *Imagine. You created the heavens and the earth and then you are forced to write a book for illiterate people to protect your work. * In California they will remember Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as the terminator. *In court Rupert Murdoch swears on the Bible that he’ll tell the truth, but he won’t swear on his newspapers. *
  • 18. Indian probe finds water on the moon. Fortunately it wasn’t oil. There are just not enough British football clubs for 1 billion oil barons. * In North Africa all roads lead to Rome too. * In reality, Pheidippides collapsed and died from exhaustion after a bank run. * In space, infinity is a contradiction. *In the nearby future full-body scanners and DNA readers will be connected to satellites. George Orwell wasnt a visionary, but an optimist. * Iran launches rat into space. Sounds like a coup to me. * Ireland is running out of priests. Apparently, prison life isn’t as fun as monastic life. * Is consciousness strong enough to create a heaven after death? I wonder. * Is there sex after Berlusconi? * Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he is Superman. Does this mean he is an illegal immigrant? *It has been confirmed: no marriage for Sesame Streets Bert and Ernie, but the sex was great. * I told the woman of my dreams: I cant live without you. She left me. * Its a digi world outside: In my personal ads I changed the word sex in twitter.
  • 19. *It is getting crazier and crazier. TV hosts kill or bonk for better ratings. Soon someone wins the Nobel price for doing nothing. *It’s so freezing cold in Florida that Tiger Woods is prepared to spend the night with a black girl. * It’s so quiet around Tiger Woods. I think he locked himself inside David Letterman’s secret bedroom. * Its so weird I cant do magic. * It takes trillions of births to fill heaven with a few good men. * I went to heaven and I saw dolphins and Eskimos swimming together.
  • 20. J.Japan’s first lady says she was abducted by a UFO. The Aliens dumped her when they found out she could only cook blowfish. *Jessica Simpson claims her lesbian dog has been stolen by a coyote. The dog was a gift from her ex-husband; the coyote an idea of her lover. * JFK assassination linked to UFOs? Only if Aliens had a military base in Cuba. *Jim Morrison may win indecent exposure pardon 40 years on. Gee, no more secret gigs in Argentina. *John Cleese finances a 12 million divorce with a new show. He plays a retired comedian whining about his most regretted one-liner: I do. * Justin Bieber meet n greet ends up in smash n smell. Justin definitely is a hit singer.
  • 21. K.Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at VMAs and yelled that Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time. I want a date too. * Kate Moss offended by host James Nesbitt at the GQ Awards. She lost a lipstick too. Nesbitt’s stool will blush red the coming days. *Kate Winslet has the celebrity body most desired by British women, a survey has found. The undertakers go for Amy Winehouse. * Keith Richards is rockn roll and Mick Jagger is ballet. * Kelly Osbourne will be signing her new book at Selfridges. I’m not surprised. Miss Kelly has a lot of experience with writing lines. * Keisha Buchanan, the last original member of the Sugababes, leaves the all-girl-group. The Sugababes will continue as a tribute band. * Korea, Vietnam, Irak, Afghanistan. A re-election needs a bloody war.
  • 22. L. Lady Gaga egged over wheelchair stunt. Thats what you get when you perform for chickens. * Last night I dreamed that Sergio Aragonés was knocking at my door dressed as an armed policeman. I woke up laughing. * Libyas just another brick in the wall. * Lifes a ride that doesnt deserve a single rider line. * Lifes Gods private Big Brother. *Lily Allen topless for American magazine GQ Honor. Amy Winehouse is considering posing toothless. *Lindsay Lohan at home under house arrest. She kills time with cleaning up the freebies. * Lola broods really daddys little girl. * Lone ranger Armie Hammer ends up as Disneys broke ranger. "Hi-yo, Money! Away!" * Love is in the air and I have bronchitis.
  • 23. M. Madonna to perform at Super Bowl half-time show. I’m not sure I can pee that long. * Man makes living suing spammers. My ex-wives made living by divorcing me. *Man shoots cannonball into Neighbour’s house. Fortunately, the neighbour played football for years. A touchdown prevented a sudden death. * Marilyn Monroe would never have sung Happy Birthday to a pizza seller. * Martin Luther King had a dream; Barack Obama a nightmare. *Men tell twice as many lies as women, according to new research. Logical. Women lie to their husbands; men lie to their wives and mistresses. * Merkel and Berlusconi met in Poland. Merkel went for peace; Berlusconi for an orgy. * Michele Bachmann blasts Herman Cain on tax plan: 999 upside down is 666, she said. Bachmann upside down is still an empty head. *Michele Bachmann is so conservative; she would never vote for a woman to be President. * Michele Bachmann wishes Elvis Presley a happy birthday on anniversary of his death. That girl knows her Bible. * Michelle Obama is to appear on the Jay Leno Show this Friday. Via satellite. The President visited David letterman in September, you know. *Michelle Obama wants Barrack to stay away from Oprah Winfrey. Apparently, interns are out of fashion. *
  • 24. Miss Piggy wants to sue Sarah Palin for stealing her identity. * Miss World 2012 wears a pink slip. * Mitt Romney prays for oil in Heaven every day. * Monkey business never goes bankrupt. * My biggest fear is to find out Im just a reproduction. *Mystery needle attacks in Xinjiang. 9 suspects were arrested. The Chinese government says the suspects shall be punished hard: a flu shot.
  • 25. N. NASA announce a historical press conference about extraterrestrial life. No Wiki leaks, but Alien leaks. * Navy moves to allow women on submarines. We all know what happened when women gained access to the golf course. * Nelly Furtado to give away 1 million Gaddafi fee. Concert tickets will be much more expensive if all artists will donate dictators money. * Never mind the smacker, heres the Yuan. * New Hollywood blockbuster starring Warren Beatty and Tiger Woods: g-spotting. *Newt Gingrich joins republican presidential field. Even republican voters prefer a taxpayer from Kenya to a warlord. * 09/09/09. Nothing happened so far. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to call off the wedding today. * Nowadays, Universals The wizarding world of Harry Potter is the most magical place on Earth.
  • 26. O. Obama begins re-election campaign through Facebook, Twitter. Republican candidate Ron Paul (75) is considering using the Telex network. * Obama campaign pushes underdog spirit for 2012. A sensible strategy for a Kenyan citizen. *Obama impersonator Reggie Brown ousted from GOP meeting. At the next meeting, the Republicans run silent movies like The Black Ghost Bandit. *Obama pledges to end military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’. Well, if Obama can turn lead into rubber he deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. * Occupy Wall Street: no plan, no leader, no solution. The Bush clan call it Déjà vu. * Occupy Wall Street spoils Aliens Occupy Earth in 2012. *One billion condoms Football Championship 2010. And that’s just for the Catholic players. * One year old Chinese girl is pregnant with her own sister. What a weird way to bypass the one-child policy. * Oprah not upset by Palins run for presidency; she believes in the intelligence of the voters. Poor George W. Bush, the forgotten President. *Oprah Winfrey to reveal huge family secret Monday. A Kenyan father and a half-brother from Hawaii? *Orlando activists arrested for illegally feeding homeless. Fortunately, it isnt forbidden to feed prisoners. *
  • 27. Osama Bin Laden concerned about global warming. The neighbours complain about the noise of the air conditioning in his cave. *Over the eight years of the Bush administration, they only watched reruns of the Waltons in the Situation room.
  • 28. P. Patriotism according to Herman Cain: at least an annual income of 1 million and dont envy poor people. * Pay check fairness dies in the U.S. Senate. The voting was in a tent in Afghanistan. * People call it dimension; God calls it 3D. * Personally, I think central heating is responsible for global warming; it’s so cold. * Playboy party hit by Legionnaires disease. Apparently, Hugh Hefner still has an active love life. *Polanski finishing up his latest film in jail. That’s good news. I’m sure LA Police will send Polanski an invitation for the Academy Awards. * Police gun down dozens of exotic animals in Ohio; native-born animals were allowed to move on. *Pope Benedict XVL tackled by a woman. Boy, Virgin Mary’s appearances are getting more and more aggressive. * Pope exonerates Jews for Jesus death. Its about time! Catholics always suffer from tunnel vision. * Poverty shortens life. God is gracious. * Priorities determine the future of a civilization, not science. *Psychic Paul the Octopus is dead. The soccer mob made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
  • 29. R. Reality tv show Sarah Palin. A remake of the three-part tv miniseries North and South. * Republicans and Obamas health care plan: over my sick body! *Rio beats Obama/Oprah out to win 2016 Olympics. Now we know Sarah Palin’s strategy for the next Presidential election: a bikini campaign. * Rock singer Iggy Pop tops ‘worst face in showbiz’ poll. He also won a Cher-look-alike competition. *Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood arrested for beating his girlfriend. Ridiculous! Naughty children deserve to be punished. * Ron Paul back on top in Iowa with support from young voters, says new poll. Remarkable. The youth have the past too. * Ron Paul (75) joins race for presidency. Dont worry; By tomorrow hes forgotten all about it. * Rudolf Hess. Moussa koussa. The Tower of London is the place to be. * Rumour: Michael Jackson will get a First Emperor funeral at Neverland. Thousands of Statues of plastic surgeons will be buried with him. * Russia to host 2018 World Cup. Football comes home: Siberia. * Ryanair introduces smokeless cigarettes on flights; an appropriate dessert after a tasteless dinner.
  • 30. S. Salute Ted Sorensen: ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do for God. * Santa Claus does the Wall Street shuffle. * Sarah Palin as President isnt emancipation; Michele Bachmann is. *Sarah Palin has quit her high- profile bus tour halfway through. Due to a technical fault, the GPS thought it was 2012. * Sarah Palin showed up at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Sarah thought she was invited for a Tupperware party. * Sarah Palin went crazy when she heard about John Stewart’s rally to restore sanity. * Scientists discover diamond planet. "Houston, we have a Somali problem." * Scientist: We may have 2 suns by 2012. Armageddon is all about skin cancer. * Senate vote ends "dont ask dont tell". The US army introduces a new policy: "use it, lose it". *Sex change Chers daughter. Mom supports her daughter; she always liked younger men. * Sex. Drugs. An affair. Sarah Palin should run for presidency in Italy or France. *Silvio Berlusconi claims hes too old for too much sex. Unfortunately, Berlusconi isnt too old for too many lies. *
  • 31. Silvio Berlusconi is so paranoid these days. Now he wants to eliminate his guardian angels; they know too much. * Silvio Berlusconi says hes the best Prime Minister Italy has ever had. That man is so vain; he probably thinks this insult is about him. *Silvia Berlusconi spent $ 380.000 on cars for his showgirls. Big deal. The Pope promised heaven for his show boys. *Silvio Berlusconi struck in the face with a souvenir statue. Italian men are so vain; they dont throw with shoes. * Silvio Berlusconi quits. Angela Merkel made him an offer he couldnt refuse. * Since the Vera Baker affair rumours Obama thinks he’s a Tiger in Bed. * Singer Tom Jones knocked down by severe hydration. Female fans saved his life by throwing wet underwear at him. *Smiling baseball players live longer, scientists claim. Smiling golf players have more sex. * So far, Obamas presidency is a lost weekend, but be fair; its just a weekend. * Soccer is a simple game. Unfortunately, soccer players are simple too. *Standard condoms are too big for most Indian men. It’s time for a new caste system in India: small, smaller and smallest. * Strauss-Kahn, Schwarzenegger, Berlusconi. The sexual revolution in the sixties was much more fun than the granny sex in the 21st Century. *Suppository bombs cast doubt on airport security. Small wonder. A tampon or a fart can be lethal. Poor bomb-sniffing dogs.
  • 32. *Surveys show the Danes are the happiest people in the world. Apparently, they all work at the Tax and Customs Administration. *Susan Boyle is being tipped to sing out the next James Bond theme tune: 007 ways to lose my virginity. * Suspect ate out of his colostomy bag in court. It tasted like bread and water.
  • 33. T.Taipei funeral parlour uses heat from cremations to brew coffee. With a large corpse the second cup is for free. * Teacher suspended after students dine at Hooters. The food at McDonald’s is indeed healthier. * Thankfully, the Mayflower didnt bring Greek workers to America. * Thanks to Dominique Strauss-Kahl, all Rikers prisoners know how to convert 30 cm to inches. * Thanks to my Chinese followers Google thinks Im Chinese. * The body scan is a nightmare for Hollywood folk. Now Immigration can see how they looked like before plastic surgery. * The cast of the Bible: where are they now? *The documents in the FBIs electronic reading room The Vault are much more fun than the truth. * The excitement among politicians about the Swine flu isn’t surprising. It’s all in the name. Barbie flu would only scare Paris Hilton. *The first time Hillary Clinton had a cough was when she heard about Monica Lewinsky. * The first tweet is the deepest. * The Greeks are so poor, they use creditors to feed the lions.
  • 34. * The legend says that the silver coin in Stingy Jacks pocket was in fact the first Euro. *The National Basketball Association prohibits use of Twitter during games. Own fault. The players constantly asked for a Twitter-out. * The Nobel Committee had better give Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo dynamite instead of the Nobel Peace prize. * The Panda Bear is Americas own private Trojan horse. * The President of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan doesn’t think Herman Cain stands a change. * There are two good reasons for Michelle Obama to wear shorts. I support them both. * The repetition principle of dreams is intriguing. Its a mirror of dead. * The repetition principle of dreams means registration. * The Republicans are apparently so happy with Barack Obama, that they want to nominate Sarah Palin for President in 2012. * The Tea Party Movement is the first sign of political grey goo. * The Queens head will stay on stamps, the Government said. They havent decided yet what to do with the rest of the body. *The Universe looks like a Big Mac. Billions of realities stacked, created by Big Bangs and held together by gravity.
  • 35. * The way we are. The way we feel. The way we love. * The world according to Alec Baldwin: Two and a half men in prison is better than none. * The worst thing that can happen after an invasion by Aliens is discovering all Led Zeppelin songs are plagiarism. * Third bus accident at the Walt Disney World resort Orlando in two weeks. I didn’t know Disney adopted Toyota. * 3d printer will print body parts within the next 20 years, scientists claim. At last, we know how God created men in his own image. *Tiger Woods’ doctor charged with selling unapproved drug. Strange, I thought Viagra was legal. *Tiger Woods going to rehab for sex addiction. He is nursed by 13,000 Susan Boyle look- alikes. * Tom Cruise reveals to Jay Leno: Sex with me is like flying. The women always kiss the ground after landing. * Tomorrow is 09/09/09. That’s so scary. I hope it will blow over quickly. I wouldnt miss 21/12/12 for anything. * Torture? George Bush? Come on! In Texas, every child grows up with waterboarding. * Traveling with Continental Airlines is like crossing the ocean by moving sidewalk. * Twitter war Perez Hilton, Demi Moore, Kirsty Alley. A nice theme for a remake of The Warriors. Hollywood gang hunting for the gossip Queen.
  • 36. *2011 will be remembered as the year of Colonel Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen, but only Charlie passed the drug test. *2012 Presidency. That’s one small step for Barrack Obama, one giant leap for Newt Gingrich.
  • 37. U. Unemployment is working with memories. *Uninvited couple attended White House dinner. No big deal. George and Laura Bush did the trick for eight years. * United Nations climate change conference Copenhagen 2009: festival of fools. *UN Leaders fear cyber war. Hard times for the peace movement. You can’t tell a nerd: make love, not war. * US and Russia develop plan to build a missile shield together. The eagle and the bear under one umbrella; the snake is hiding in the grass. *US blood bank starts “Give blood, get beer” promotion. Tiger Woods hopes for a similar offer by a sperm bank. *US Late: Letterman depressed after affairs news broke, O’Brien depressed after a 45m divorce and Leno depressed after screwing a yokemate.
  • 38. V.Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praises former military dictator of Uganda Idi Amin. The vegetarians are shocked. *Venezuelan President limits singing in the shower to 3 minutes to save water. Sex is no problem for him; that takes only 10 seconds or so. * Viagra causes hearing loss. Women dont have to fake anymore.
  • 39. W. Wake up game Washington Politicians. 1 cough: wrong bed. 2 coughs: Swine Flu. 3 coughs: you’re mentioned in the CIA Interrogation Report. * Walt Disney’s grandson Patrick faces drug and weapons charges. The Marvel bad guys have arrived at the Magic Kingdom. * War creates a hell; a prayer a heaven. * War in the Mediterranean: The Pope swapped the Bible for Nostradamus’ predictions. * What a fuss about David Letterman’s sex life. Blackmailing a celebrity because of adultery is like punishing Satan for a traffic violation. *When Rick Perry told the doctor about his loss of memory, the doctor told him about the loss of Presidency. * Who was given the soul? Sperm or ovum? I think sperm. Ovum already had the apple. * Wife gives Tiger Woods an 18 holes beating. In her eyes he’s a paper tiger. *Wisconsin Senator Jim Sensenbrenner: Never mind the buttocks, heres Michelle Obama. * With a golden voice I would be speechless in a blink. *Woman bites hairdresser over wrong hairdo. I bit my dentist when he made me look like Dracula. * Women raise Cain. Herman Cain.
  • 40. Y. You can’t buy talent, but you can sell it. *You cant solve labour shortage with dead bodies.