Freetweeter

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A collection of humorous tweets about that strange globe called Earth.

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Freetweeter

  1. 1. FreeTweeterA collection of tweets by Fredrik Hamer 2009 – 2011 First edition Fredrikhamer©2011
  2. 2. A.Actor Warren Beatty slept with almost 13.000 women, but no G-spot. ***Actress Jessica Biel the most dangerous celebrity to search in cyberspace. Tellme. My mom would kill me if she caught me. ***A dream creates a temporary reality. Some people hear a big bang when theywake up. ***A fractal indicates a lack of creativity. ***Alcohol more harmful than heroin, crack or cocaine, scientists claim. AmyWinehouse wants a second opinion. ***Adopted Man finds out his biological father is Charles Manson. Daddy is so proud.He’s planning a surprise party for his son. ***American students do poorly in science, report says. The Government isconsidering re-opening Operation Paperclip. ***America is great. Last month we went camping in California. We got free foodstamps everywhere. ***Americans number one pot-smoking. Barrack Obama defends his own weed-timeby saying he thought he was smoking the peace pipe. ***A video proves that Lady Gaga isn’t a man. I can’t wait for the video that provesLady Gaga is a lady. ***A Pennsylvania woman claims Donald Duck grabbed her breast at the Walt DisneyWorld park. Donald says he was just counting the eggs. ***
  3. 3. Apple App Store reaches 10 billion downloads. That explains why my downloadtook 10 billion seconds. ***Are spirits dreamers? ***Arnold Schwarzenegger organized a garage sale to prevent California bankruptcy.A garage sale by Playboy Hugh Hefner could save the nation. ***Arsenal-manager Arsène Wenger: Premier League no longer a Scrooge McDuckcompetition. Every teams a winner. ***As Silvio Berlusconi awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himselftransformed in his bed into a gigantic insect (Kafkaesque quote). ***A 2m shot for Letterman because he slept with several women and a 12m shotfor Cleese because he slept with his own wife. Life isn’t fair. ***A 24-year-old man claims he is Michael Jacksons biological son. Thats five.Michael was not only moon walking; he landed on Venus too.
  4. 4. B.Baldness: new hair is so small that it appears virtually invisible to the naked eye.No wonder I only can date girls with big eyeglasses. ***Barack Obama adopts Dutch healthcare system. A clever way of Marijuanadecriminalization. ***Barack Obama calls Kanye West a jackass. What a rapper’s delight to be offendedby the most powerful man in the world. ***Barack Obama jokes about his falling approval ratings at correspondent’s dinner.His predecessor invaded Iraq. ***Barack Obama says he owes his presidency to a palm reader. ***Belgian police recruits under prison inmates. If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em. Thefire department has good experience with arsonists. ***Big Brother winner accused of selling drugs. Jail feels like coming home for thisguy. Cameras everywhere. ***Bizar. Buy a truck, get a free AK-47 in Sanford Florida. Now you never have tostop at a pedestrian crossing. ***Bob Geldof’s daughter Peaches says she had a near death experience. God justwanted a signed photo. ***Bono and Obama have met in Oval Office to discuss Africa. Now the U2 Leadsinger truly believes Africans originally came from Hawaii. ***Brave new world: Tent City. ***
  5. 5. Brazilian woman dies twice. The first time she went to heaven; the second time tohell. For cheating. ***Broccoli may prevent strokes and heart attacks. A child’s dream: vegetablesavailable on prescription only.
  6. 6. C.Chaos in Egypt. Even the mummies want to flee the country, but onlyTransylvania wants to grant asylum to death people. ***Climate plan splits U.S. and Europe. Meanwhile, God just can’t choose betweenglobal warming and global cooling. ***Company launches souvenir condoms to commemorate the marriage of princeWilliam and Kate Middleton. Im my parents wedding gift.
  7. 7. D.Dancing with the stars finalist Bristol Palin says everyone hates her because ofher mother. I dont think thats fair to mom. ***David Hasselhoff claims he wasn’t drunk last weekend; he had an ear infection. Ido believe him. Children and drunks always speak the truth. ***David Letterman is so busy making fun about Jay Leno’s misery that the internswant to sue him for sexual neglect. ***David Letterman is so obsessed by Jay Leno. His wife begs him to reopen his sexchamber. ***Death is a dream reality. ***Déjà vu in dreams. ***Disney’s Magic Kingdom visitors in Orlando want their money back. The snow isreal.
  8. 8. E.11-22-1963. 9-11-2001. 12-21-2012. ***Emma Watsons first day of college. She turned up in a helicopter. Flying on abroomstick is not allowed in America since the 9-11 attacks. ***Everybodys friend Larry King ends record-setting run on CNN. Piers Morganschoice for 1st interview? Conan OBrien of course! ***Every flu tells a story. ***Every time I see Sarah Palin in public I have the weird feeling God forgot topatent women.
  9. 9. F.Favorite time killer on a golf course: Knock on Woods. ***Film industry hit by swine flu. It seems that you can snort flu too. ***50th birthday Diego Maradona. I thought God was older. ***Florida man finds frog in his Pepsi can. The frog died of thirst. ***For God we live our lives from death to birth. ***Former US Generals say obesity is the latest national security threat. AllMcDonald’s employees are on the FBI’s terrorist watch list now. ***40 percent of Americans still believe in creationism and 60 percent of Americansstill believe in dessert. Thats good news for Sarah Palin. ***French President Sarkozy wants to tax CO2 emissions. I hope the bill stays inFrance. My girl is a heavy breather.
  10. 10. G.German newspaper Bild publishes Tiger Wood calendar. Each day it reveals a newmistress. I prefer the Warren Beatty 24 hour calendar. ***God is everywhere, but I always lose at hide and go seek. ***God is not happy with all that extraterrestrial life. Heaven is full. ***God retweeted me; now Ive got several personalities. ***Google working on search results without searching: contextual discovery. My girlgoes for sextual discovery: sex without sex. ***G20 summit: Michelle Obama kisses Brown, Merkel and Medvedev, but notBerlusconi. No wonder, the Italian Mob is too adept at kissing.
  11. 11. H.Hard times for air travellers. I only feel safe sitting next to Paris Hilton; she neverwears underwear. ***Happy meal no happy deal in San Francisco. Hey teacher, leave them kids alone. ***Heather Mills orders a new artificial leg. Ex-husband Paul McCartney hopes he canbuy the old one. It was the only body part that felt real. ***Hidden unique number in DNA will explain our past and future. ***Hide and seek game Barrack Obama and Gordon Brown in New York. The BritishPrime Minister cries “Ollie ollie oxen free” all day long. ***Human is the progenitor of garbage.
  12. 12. I.I can’t read white lines on white paper. ***I’ve always been a god-fearing man; nowadays I’m a priest-fearing man. ***IKEA catalogue beats the Bible. What a waste. You can make lots of crosses fromall that wood. ***I’m an Android linked in twitter. ***Imagine theres no Beatles. ***In California they will remember Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger as theterminator. ***Indian probe finds water on the moon. Fortunately it wasn’t oil. There are just notenough British football clubs for 1 billion oil barons. ***Iran launches rat into space. Sounds like a coup to me. ***Ireland is running out of priests. Apparently, prison life isn’t as fun as monasticlife. ***Is consciousness strong enough to create a heaven after death? I wonder. ***Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi says he is Superman. Does this mean he isan illegal immigrant? ***I told the woman of my dreams: I cant live without you. She left me. ***
  13. 13. Its a digi world outside: In my personal ads I changed the word sex in Twitter. ***It is getting crazier and crazier. TV hosts kill or bonk for better ratings. Soonsomeone wins the Nobel price for doing nothing. ***It’s so freezing cold in Florida that Tiger Woods is prepared to spend the nightwith a black girl. ***It’s so quiet around Tiger Woods. I think he locked himself inside DavidLetterman’s secret bedroom. ***Its so weird I cant do magic. ***I went to heaven and I saw dolphins and Eskimos swimming together.
  14. 14. J.Japan’s first lady says she was abducted by a UFO. The Aliens dumped her whenthey found out she only could cook blowfish. ***Jessica Simpson claims her lesbian dog has been stolen by a coyote. The dog wasa gift from her ex-husband; the coyote an idea of her lover. ***Jim Morrison may win indecent exposure pardon 40 years on. Gee, no moresecret gigs in Argentina. ***John Cleese finances a 12 million divorce with a new show. He plays a retiredcomedian whining about his most regretted one-liner: I do.
  15. 15. K.Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift at VMAs and yelled that Beyonce had one ofthe best videos of all time. I want a date too. ***Kate Moss offended by host James Nesbitt at the GQ Awards. She lost a lipsticktoo. Nesbitt’s stool will blush red the coming days. ***Kate Winslet has the celebrity body most desired by British women, a survey hasfound. The undertakers go for Amy Winehouse. ***Keith Richards is rockn roll and Mick Jagger is ballet. ***Kelly Osbourne will be signing her new book at Selfridges. I’m not surprised. MissKelly has a lot of experience with writing lines. ***Keisha Buchanan, the last original member of the Sugababes, leaves the all-girl-group. The Sugababes will continue as a tribute band.
  16. 16. L.Lifes Gods private Big Brother. ***Lily Allen topless for American magazine GQ Honor. Amy Winehouse isconsidering posing toothless. ***Lola broods really daddys little girl.
  17. 17. M.Man makes living suing spammers. My ex-wives made living by divorcing me. ***Man shoots cannonball into Neighbour’s house. Fortunately, the neighbour playedfootball for years. A touchdown prevented a sudden death. ***Men tell twice as many lies as women, according to new research. Logical.Women lie to their husbands; men lie to their wives and mistresses. ***Merkel and Berlusconi met in Poland. Merkel went for peace; Berlusconi for anorgy. ***Michelle Obama is to appear on the Jay Leno Show this Friday. Via satellite. ThePresident visited David letterman in September, you know. ***Michelle Obama wants Barrack to stay away from Oprah Winfrey. Apparently,interns are out of fashion. ***Miss Piggy wants to sue Sarah Palin for stealing her identity. ***Mystery needle attacks in Xinjiang. 9 suspects were arrested. The Chinesegovernment says the suspects shall be punished hard: a flu shot.
  18. 18. N.NASA announce a historical press conference about extraterrestrial life. No Wikileaks, but Alien leaks. ***Navy moves to allow women on submarines. We all know what happened whenwomen gained access to the golf course. ***New Hollywood blockbuster starring Warren Beatty and Tiger Woods: g-spotting. ***09/09/09. Nothing happened so far. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to call off thewedding today.
  19. 19. O.Obama pledges to end military’s ‘don’t ask, don’t tell policy’. If Obama can turnlead into rubber he deserves the Nobel Peace Price. ***Millions of condoms Football Championship 2010. And that’s just for the Catholicplayers. ***One year old Chinese girl is pregnant with her own sister. What a weird way tobypass the one-child policy. ***Oprah not upset by Palins run for presidency; she believes in the intelligence ofthe voters. Poor George W. Bush, the forgotten President. ***Oprah Winfrey to reveal huge family secret Monday. A Kenyan father and a halfbrother from Hawaii? ***Osama Bin Laden concerned about global warming. The neighbors complain aboutthe noise of the air conditioning in his cave.
  20. 20. P.Paycheck fairness dies in the U.S. Senate. The voting was in a tent inAfghanistan. ***People call it dimension; God calls it 3D. ***Personally, I think central heating is responsible for global warming; it’s so cold. ***Please Agnetha Fältskog, no Abba reunion. Im still too young for a golden oldiesconcert. ***Polanski finishing up his latest film in jail. That’s good news. I’m sure LA Policewill send Polanski an invitation for the Academy Awards. ***Pope Benedict XVL tackled by a woman. Virgin Mary’s appearances are gettingmore and more aggressive. ***Poverty shortens life. God is gracious. ***Priorities determine the future of a civilization, not science. ***Psychic Paul the Octopus is dead. The soccer mob made him an offer he couldn’trefuse.
  21. 21. Q.Quote The Sound of Music: Theres nothing more irresistible to a man than awoman whos in love with him.
  22. 22. R.Reality TV show Sarah Palin. A remake of the three-part TV miniseries North andSouth. ***Republicans and Obamas health care plan: over my sick body! ***Rio beats Obama/Oprah out to win 2016 Olympics. Now we know Sarah Palin’sstrategy for the next Presidential election: a bikini campaign. ***Rock singer Iggy Pop tops ‘worst face in showbiz’ poll. He also won a Cher-look-alike competition. ***Rolling Stones guitarist Ron Wood arrested for beating his girlfriend. Ridiculous!Naughty children deserve to be punished. ***Rumour: Michael Jackson will get a First Emperor funeral at Neverland.Thousands of Statues of plastic surgeons will be buried with him. ***Russia to host 2018 World Cup. Football comes home: Siberia. ***Ryanair introduces smokeless cigarettes on flights; an appropriate dessert after atasteless dinner.
  23. 23. S.Salute Ted Sorensen: ask not what God can do for you, ask what you can do forGod. ***Santa Claus does the Wall Street shuffle. ***Sarah Palin showed up at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Sarahthought she was invited for a Tupperware party. ***Sarah Palin went crazy when she heard about John Stewart’s rally to restoresanity. ***Scientist: We may have 2 suns by 2012. Armageddon is all about skin cancer. ***Senate vote ends "dont ask dont tell". The US army introduces a new policy:"use it, lose it". ***Sex change Chers daughter. Mom supports her daughter; she always likedyounger men. ***Silvio Berlusconi is so paranoid these days. Now he wants to eliminate hisguardian angels; they know too much. ***Silvio Berlusconi says hes the best Prime Minister Italy has ever had. That man isso vain; he probably thinks this insult is about him. ***Silvio Berlusconi struck in the face with a souvenir statue. Italian men are sovain; they dont throw with shoes. ***Since the Vera Baker affair rumours Obama thinks he’s a Tiger in Bed. *** Smiling baseball players live longer, scientists claim. Smiling golf players have more sex.
  24. 24. ***Standard condoms are too big for most Indian men. It’s time for a new castesystem in India: small, smaller and smallest. ***Suppository bombs cast doubt on airport security. Small wonder. A tampon or afart can be lethal. Poor bomb-sniffing dogs. ***Surveys show the Danes are the happiest people in the world. Apparently, theyall work at the Tax and Customs Administration. ***Susan Boyle is being tipped to sing out the next James Bond theme tune: 007ways to lose my virginity. ***Suspect ate out of his colostomy bag in court. It tasted like bread and water.
  25. 25. T.Taipei funeral parlour uses heat from cremations to brew coffee. With a largecorpse the second cup is for free. ***Teacher suspended after students dine at Hooters. The food at McDonald’s isindeed healthier. ***The body scan is a nightmare for Hollywood folk. Now Immigration can see howthey looked like before plastic surgery. ***The excitement among politicians about the Swine flu isn’t surprising. It’s all inthe name. Barbie flu would only scare Paris Hilton. ***The first tweet is the deepest. ***The National Basketball Association prohibits use of Twitter during games. Ownfault. The players constantly asked for a Tweet-out. ***The Nobel Committee had better give Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo dynamiteinstead of the Nobel Peace prize. ***There are two good reasons for Michelle Obama to wear shorts. I support both. ***The repetition principle of dreams is intriguing. Its a mirror of dead. ***The repetition principle of dreams means registration. ***The Republicans are apparently so happy with Barack Obama, that they want tonominate Sarah Palin for President in 2012. ***The Tea Party Movement is the first sign of political grey goo.
  26. 26. ***The Queens head will stay on stamps, the Government said. They haventdecided yet what to do with the rest of the body. ***The Universe looks like a Big Mac. Billions of realities stacked, created by BigBangs and held together by gravity. ***The way we are. The way we feel. The way we love. ***The worst thing that can happen after an invasion by Aliens is discovering all LedZeppelin songs are plagiarism. ***Third bus accident at the Walt Disney World resort Orlando in two weeks. I didn’tknow Disney adopted Toyota. ***Tiger Woods’ doctor charged with selling unapproved drug. Strange, I thoughtViagra was legal. ***Tiger Woods going to rehab for sex addiction. He is nursed by 13,000 SusanBoyle look-alikes. ***Tom Cruise reveals to Jay Leno: Sex with me is like flying. The women alwayskiss the ground after landing. ***Tomorrow is 09/09/09. That’s so scary. I hope it will blow over quickly. I wouldntmiss 21/12/12 for anything. ***Twitter war Perez Hilton, Demi Moore, Kirsty Alley. A nice theme for a remake ofThe Warriors. Hollywood gang hunting for the gossip Queen.
  27. 27. U.Uninvited couple attended White House dinner. No big deal. George and LauraBush did the trick for eight years. ***United Nations climate change conference Copenhagen 2009: festival of fools. ***UN Leaders fear cyber war. Hard times for the peace movement. You can’t tell anerd: make love, not war. ***US and Russia develop plan to build a missile shield together. The eagle and thebear under one umbrella; the snake is hiding in the grass. ***US blood bank starts “Give blood, get beer” promotion. Tiger Woods hopes for asimilar offer by a sperm bank. ***US Late: Letterman depressed after affairs news broke, O’Brien depressed after a45m divorce and Leno depressed after screwing a yokemate.
  28. 28. V.Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez praises former military dictator of Uganda IdiAmin. The vegetarians are in shock. ***Venezuelan President limits singing in the shower to 3 minutes to save water. Sexis no problem; that takes only 10 seconds or so.
  29. 29. W.Wake up game Washington Politicians. 1 cough: wrong bed. 2 coughs: Swine Flu.3 coughs: you’re mentioned in the CIA Interrogation Report. ***Walt Disney’s grandson Patrick faces drug and weapons charges. The Marvel badguys have arrived at the Magic Kingdom. ***War creates a hell; a prayer a heaven. ***What a fuss about David Letterman’s sex life. Blackmailing a celebrity because ofadultery is like punishing Satan for a traffic violation. ***Who was given the soul? Sperm or ovum? I think sperm. Ovum already had theapple. ***Wife gives Tiger Woods an 18 holes beating. In her eyes he’s a paper tiger. ***Wikileaks is a worderer. ***With a golden voice I would be speechless in a blink. ***Woman bites hairdresser over wrong hairdo. I bit my dentist when he made melook like Dracula.
  30. 30. Y.You can’t buy talent, but you can sell it. ***You cant solve labor shortage with dead bodies.

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