8 Things You Should Never Say to Your HusbandOne of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubbythat you can say just about anything to him. But if you dont watch your mouth,sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtfulnot helpfulways. Though you mayhave legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harshmanner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husbands feelings andyour relationship. According to Judy Ford, psychotherapist and author ofEveryDay Love, Speaking kindly is a skill that couples have to learn. Everyone feelsbattered by life and the outside world. You shouldnt feel that way at home.Here, nine statements that you should never utter to your significant otherandthe words that you should try instead.1. Yourejustlike your father.
This is just a no-no, says Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker and authorofThe Pathway to Love. Its nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that hemay be exhibiting the worst traits of his family. If youre about to spout acriticism like this, stop and think about whats behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husbandshabit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. According toFord, you should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as:Hon, when youre done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to thesink? That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process.2. When are you going to find a new job?
First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislikehow much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should befurther ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary?Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what yourown issues are, says Ford. Be particularly careful that youre not attacking hisability to support you and the kids: Part of how a man evaluates himself is byhow well he can take care of his family, says Ford, so insulting him in thissensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks aboutboth of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns. If you have an issuewith how much money hes making, its an opportunity to talk about yourlifestyle and how you want to live, she adds. The aim is to avoid putting him onthe defensive, and instead work together to create the life you both want.3. My mother warned me youd do this!
Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what youre doing hereis letting him know that there are others in your camp. You are trying tovalidate your side of an argument, as though youre marshalling an army to yourside, says Orlov. But thats never a good idea because its telling him that yourenot onhisside, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never letthe opinions of others dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truthto a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that. Maybeyour mother said hes too cheap, says Orlov. Say to him, why do you sometimesseem reluctant to spend money on things we need? Without ganging up on him,that could open up a discussion about money worries that stem from hischildhood, for example. Room is now cleared for creative problem-solving,says Orlov. And if youre just lashing out? Hold your tongue and focus on theroot of whats making you mad. In the end, coming to a solution together willmake you feel better than unleashing hurtful words.4. Just leave itIll do it myself!
This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husbands elemental need to bea provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, its just plaindemeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do this too oftenand your husband might think, I can never do anything right or anything thatllplease her, says Ford. A better choice is to pick your battles. If hes in themiddle of a task and you think that hes doing it wrong, evaluate whether itreally matters, keeping in mind that, just because hes doing somethingdifferently than you would doesnt mean that hes doing it wronghe is, after all,an adult too. Sure, if hes about to hurt himself or someone else or breaksomething, kindly step in. But if hes just loading the dishwasher in a way thatdrives you nuts? Let it be.5. You always... [fill in the blank] or You never... [fill in the blank]These are two phrases I advise couples never to use, says Ford, because they setup an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the otherperson on the defensive. These blanket statements can make your husband feelunfairly attacked, and chances are hell just fire back with all the timeshedidhelp. If there are legitimate problems youd like to address (he really doestend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the
car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at handwhile also communicating how his actions make you feel: When you comehome with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you dont care about the next personwho has to drive the carwhich is usually me. Then add the phrase would you bewilling..., suggests Ford. Try: Would you be willing to fill up the car when itgets below a quarter tank? Most men are willing to do most anything thatllmake you happyits all in how you ask.6. Do you really think those pants are flattering?Are you trying to hint that hes putting on weight? Because saying the above,says Ford, is not getting anything concrete across. You may think that youresubtly conveying the message, but instead youre insulting his looks without
showing any genuine concern for his health. Instead, start with something youlike about how he looks: When you wear that blue shirt, it really makes meappreciate your gorgeous blue eyes. Then broach the topic of his weight gainby framing the comment so its about his health, not looks: Honey, what do youthink about us both starting after-dinner walks? When youve softened up yourapproach, you have more room to make other, helpful suggestions.7. Ugh, were hanging out withhimagain?Theres nothing wrong with your guy having a friend whose company you dontloveno one says spouses are required to adore each others friends, especiallythat one college pal who likes to pretend he and your hubby never left the frathouse. What is wrong is insulting your mans choice of friends. Your disdainmay also suggest that youd prefer to pick his friends for himand no one wantsto be told who they should be pals with. A better choice: Oh, honey, you knowI dont always enjoy doing the same things as you and George, so why dont youplan a guys night instead? suggests Ford. Remember, theres no marriage rulethat says you two have to do everything together; he might actually be relievedto have a little guy time with his pal that doesnt involve him having to worry ifyoure having fun or are offended by his friends jokes. (And keep this in mind:If a friend is really awful, your husband is much more likely to see that on hisown, over time, whereas if you nag him to drop the dolt it may never happen.)8. Please watch the kids. But dont do this, take them here or forget that...
This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When youre in anxiety mode, it canbe hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have morehelp). Its also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long youvebeen a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may becomeresentful because he doesnt pitch in, but you dont always give him room to,either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better,more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down, says Orlov. Ifhe always feels like hes wrong, hell only start to disconnect emotionally. So letDad be Dad. Trust that he knows as well as you do how to keep a child clean,safe and fedeven if his definitions of those tasks are slightly different than yourown. That said, if there are things he needs to know, like how to use the strolleror what the pediatricians phone number is, definitely give him the rundown.
Thanks & Regards, Raj. Kumar (Courtesy goes toDenise Schipani/Womensday & other websites)