Doctor jokes


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Doctor jokes

  1. 1. Doctor JokesDoctor Jokes are full of jokes about goofing doctors, stupid nurses andfrightened patients. Some of them are about medicine while others arebased on Doctors charging exhorbitant fees. Yet these jokes are veryenjoyable and there are also some jokes about compision of Doctors to otherprofession such as Lawyers which are even more funny.Doctor JokeNurse: Why are you sad today doctor?Doctor: The patient I operated today afternoon died.Nurse: Doctor, you didnt operate the patient today afternoon. You did a postmortem.Doctor: Then who was the guy on whom I did a post mortem todaymorning?Nurse and patient jokeNURSE GIRL—"Oh, maam, what shall I do? The twins have fallen down thewell!"FOND PARENT—"Dear me! how annoying! Just go into the library and getthe last number of The Modern Mothers Magazine; it contains an article onHow to Bring Up Children."Submitted by sai on 22-Aug-2009Doctor Vs. Lawyer Funny JokeWhat is the difference between Doctors and Lawyers?Because of mistakes Lawyers make, someone might end up hanging 6 feetabove.Because of the mistakes Doctors make, someone might end up buried 6 feetbelow.Doctor Patient JokeDoctor: I have some bad news and worse news.Patient: Whats is it doc?Doctor: The lab test results show that you have only 24 hours to live.Patient: Oh my God!Doctor: The worse news is that I was tried telling this to you yesterday butyour cell phone was unreachable.Funny Doctor QuoteAn apple a day keeps the doctor away.A garlic a day.... keeps everyone away!
  2. 2. Doctor Nurse Funny JokeDoctor: Did you take the patients temparatureNurse: No, I didnt take it. Is it missing?Hilarious Doctor Joke3 Things you must not hear the Doctor speak in an operation theatre.1) Now if this is the kidney and that is the liver, what the heck is this?2) Now where is Page 5 of this manual?3) Shoo shoo black dog, come away with that piece, thats not your food.Funny Doctor JokeDoctor: Dont worry your health is fine. Youll live to be ninety.Patient: But, doctor, I already ninety years old right now.Doctor: See, what did I tell you.Stupid Doctor JokePatient: Doctor, I am having problems hearing with my right ear.Doctor: What! You are suffering from fever for 5 days?Silly Patient JokeLady: My son swallowed the can opener doctor!Doctor: Dont worry. Hell be alright.Lady: But how do I open the can of pickles? I need to have my lunch.Funny PatientDoctor: There are more than five hundred bones in the human body.Patient: Ssshh Doctor! There are more than five dogs outside.Doctor PJWhy did the doctor learn art?Answer: IN order to learn how to draw blood.Hilarious Patient JokePatient: Doctor, I think I need to get my eyes checked up.Man: You certainly need do. This is a restaurant.Super JokeDoctor: How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forthscreaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weepinguncontrollably the next?Nurse: A basketball coach?Timing Doctor JokeDoctor: You are suffering from depression. Dont keep anything with you that
  3. 3. worries you a lot.Patient: Ok doc, I just threw away your doctor charges bill.Nice Doctor JokeLady: Doctor, my husband is speaking in his sleep.Doctor: Just allow him to speak to you during the day, he will becomealright.Doctor Patient Super JokePatient: Why are you checking my eyes while its my foot which is injured?Doctor: I wanted to know what happened to your eyes when you left yourfoot inside the gutter.Doctor PJDoctor: What? Your eyes got a cold?Patient: Yes doctor, I was wearing a cooling glass.Doctor Patient PJPatient: Your are a lucky guy doctor.Doctor: How am I lucky?Patient: If you got a disease you neednt perform operation on yourself.Silly Doctor Patient JokePatient: Doctor, I have went around the town but still I am not able to getthe medicines you prescribed.Doctor: So it was you who took my scribble pad!Hilarious Doctor Patient JokesMy brother went to see the doctor last week and the doctor asked him to goover to the window and stick out his tongue. When she asked why the doctorreplied "Because I hate that woman who lives across the street.‖My wife went to the doctor last week and he told her to lie down on thecouch."Why?" she asked "Because I want to clean the floor" replied the doctor.The doctor examined my wife and told her that she only had 4 minutes tolive. " Can you give me anything doctor" she asked. The doctor replied "Howabout a boiled egg?".A man went to the doctors and was told that he only had 3 months left to
  4. 4. live. Hewas unable to settle his medical bill so the doctor gave him another 3months.My Grandpa went to the doctor for an examination and the doctor said" Everythings fine. you should live to be 65". "But Im 66" said my Grandpa"See" said the doctor " told you so".Doctor Patient JokesI went to see the doctor last week and he said to me "Mr Smith, I haventseen you forages". "I know" I replied "Ive not been well".A man went to the doctor and said " Doctor Ive injured my arm in twoplaces". TheDoctor replied "Well dont back to those two places again".My brother went to see the Doctor last week and was told "You should go toBrighton, its brilliant for a cold. So he went ... and got one.My eccentric aunt went to see the doctor with some custard in one ear andsome jelly in the other ear. "What appears to be the trouble Mrs. Jackson"asked the doctor."Speak up doc" said my Aunt "Im a trifle deaf.Short Doctor JokesQuestion: Why is that Doctors always seem to know exactly what is wrongwith you? Answer: They have a sick sense.A Doctor asks his female patient "Would you say that you were sexuallyactive?" "No" she replied " I usually just lie there".A plumber mended a leak at the doctor’s house. The two minute job cost£200. "Idont charge that much and I am a doctor"."Neither did I when I was one" said the man "thats why I became aplumber".
  5. 5. My sister went to the doctor complaining of a bad back. The Doctorexamined her andsaid "Its just down to old age". My sister said that she wanted a secondopinion "Okay" said the doctor " you are quite ugly as well".Comical Doctor JokesA man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him " Hasyourinjury affected your memory since I saw you last?" "It has" replied the man."How?" quizzed the doctor. "I keep forgetting things""Can you tell me an instance of something that you cant remember."I asked my Doctor the other day "Do you think that I should have a childafter38?" The Doctor replied " No, 38 children are more than enough.My wife went to the doctor last week and asked "I am 4 months pregnant,when do you think the baby will move"? The Doctor replied "If you are lucky,as soon as she finishes college.I went to see the doctor last week and asked "Our baby boy was born acouple ofweeks ago. When do you think that my wife will start to act and feel normalagain?" The doctor turned to me and said " Hopefully, as soon as he goes tocollege.Amusing Doctor JokesA man goes to the doctor and says "Help me doctor, I can’t help stealingthings"?"Okay, take these pills twice a day for a week" replied the doctor. "But whatifthey don’t work" said the man"Then get me a 42 inch plasma television".My brother went to see his doctor last week and said to him "Lapels frightenme".The doctor replied instantly "I know what the problem is – you’ve gotcholera".
  6. 6. A new patient arrived at the local health centre and the receptionist wastakingdown some details. " What is your age Mr. Jones" she enquired. "Im nottellingyou" came the reply. "We need to know for our records" said thereceptioniststernly. "Okay take the number 26 and double it and then add 14" said Mr.Jones"."That equals 66" said the receptionist. "Now take 66 away from that figureand wat do you have" Mr. Jones retorted. "Zero" said the receptionistlooking rather puzzled."Exactly, and that is what chance you have got of me letting you know myage".DocAfter a consult, the doctor says:I’ve got good news misses DarwinMiss Darwin....Oh...Then I have bad news Miss Darwin...A guy goes to the cardiologist.―Is it serious doctor?‖―Yes it is, but if I cannot help you I am sure my father will.‖―Oh, that means he is a doctor too!‖―No he is not! He is a priest!‖Doc, What sickness did you say I have? Taurus, Aries, Libra?No! Cancer!FunniestA man goes to the doctor one day with insomnia.Doc, I can’t sleep at all!Well I have exactly the cure for you! You go home and drink scotch until youfall asleep.And what if I won’t be able to sleep this way either?After so many glasses of scotch do you think you’ll still care?A woman goes at the doctor:Doc, please help me I’ve tried everything, but I can’t get pregnant.
  7. 7. It may be a hereditary problem! Did your mother have kids?In a chemistry lab, the doctor asks his assistant:Please give me the sulphuric acid bottleIt’s empty sir,Damn! They drank my scotch again!Hey Doc! I think I sleep talk!What makes you think that?I wake up hoarse every morningDoctors are of three kinds:Interns: they know a lot but do very littleSurgeons: they know very little but do a lotHygienists: they don’t do anything, but don’t let the others work either.