Ruth's (u)OWBC Presents: The Order of the Llama, Act II
Welcome back to The Order of the Llama, or, The Performer and Her Pianist!In Act I, we found out that Glen Cameron was the victim of identity theft, as aresult of which he had to get married right away before notorious gangsterErnie the Spoon killed him. Glen turned to his friend Leila, but she had a planeto catch and offered to set him up with someone else. “Someone else” turnedout to be her twin sister Lisa, but neither Lisa nor Glen knows this becausethey were married in disguise, for Lisa’s safety. Lisa’s cousin Jo learned ofGlen’s predicament and (having a huge crush on him herself) offered to say hewas her brother Cecil and get him into the Order, as a way to hide out. Notwanting to die, Glen agreed. Jo manipulated her suitor Phoenix into sponsoringGlen; no sooner was he admitted to the order than Ernie the Spoon showed upand asked for him. Upon hearing that Glen was missing, Lisa collapsed andwas caught by Glen -- much to the distress of Lisa’s pianist Jay, who is in lovewith her himself.I think that covers it. If you need a refresher, feel free to re-read Act I.
DORMIE #1: I can’t believe that Ernie the Spoon is still here!DORMIE #2: Yeah, it’s scary having him here. They’re nevergoing to find that guy.DORMIE #1: Why do they let him stay on campus? He’s not evena student!DORMIE #3: (scoffs) Would you want to be the one to tell him hehas to leave?DORMIE #1: Good point…
JAY: It’s ridiculous! Every time I see him, it’s “Hey, give us ajoke, funny man!” Can’t he see I’m having a bad day?PHOENIX: He don’t care. He’s not gonna leave til someone giveshim an answer. He asks me all the time where Glen is. At least helikes you. Nobody ever thinks I’m funny. (sighs) Glen is probablyon Twikki Island right now, having a margarita. And because he’sstill in the picture, Jo won’t look at me.JAY: Yeah, and Lisa won’t look at me.(Both sigh)
JAY: Hey, I’ve got it! I know how we can get him out of thepicture! All you have to do is tell Ernie the Spoon that Glen died.PHOENIX (slowly): You want me to lie?JAY: Through your teeth. I’ll back you up. Look, Glen is probablyon Twikki Island, right? And he’s never coming back? So if wejust say we saw him die, all our problems go away.PHOENIX: I don’t know…JAY: Plus, if you lie, I’ll teach you how to be funny.PHOENIX: You got a deal! (they shake) Now, what are we goingto say?
GLEN: (sighs) If I’d known I was going to be able to hide out sowell, I wouldn’t have been so quick to get married. And now I’vemet Lisa, and I can’t say anything!
GLEN: (looking at the mail) Me. Jo. Mrs. Lisa Shankel Cameron.Sadie Bear.
GLEN: Mrs. Lisa Shankel Cameron! Shankel, just like Leila! AndCameron -- ! I bet Lisa is the woman I married! Oho! I couldn’thave done better if I tried!
Now, Anastasia hasn’t been wasting any time with satisfying herRomance Wants. Diamondback, the local dive bar, is always agood place to pick up a guy out for a fun time.
Unfortunately, Anastasia isn’t always careful about screening herplaymates.KENDRA PERRY, THE DORMIE: Hey! You were with MangusLove last night, weren’t you?ANASTASIA: So what if I was?KENDRA: If you don’t stay away from my man, I’ll make you stayaway -- permanently!ANASTASIA: Oh yeah? You and what army?Really, there’s only one thing that can distract people from a goodgirl fight.
And that’s people who are suicidally stupid enough to draw Erniethe Spoon’s attention to themselves.PHOENIX: Mr. the Spoon! Mr. the Spoon!ERNIE THE SPOON: What?PHOENIX: That guy you’re looking for -- Glen Cameron!ERNIE THE SPOON: What about him?
PHOENIX: We saw him! At the shore! It was raining --JAY: It was pouring.PHOENIX: Raining, yeah --JAY (with far more thoughtfulness than is strictly called for): No, Iwould definitely call that pouring.PHOENIX: And I thought it was him, so I went and grabbed forhim, but he jumped into a boat and took off.JAY (enthusiastically): Fwoosh! Like that.
PHOENIX: I would have gone after him, but I can’t swim. Andanyway, the boat hit a rock and sank like a -- uh, a stone.JAY: A lump of lead.PHOENIX (to Jay): A stone, I said.JAY (happily): A heavy lump of lead.PHOENIX: Well, anyway, like a stone or like lead, he went down.So he’s dead.JAY: Drowned.PHOENIX: Definitely dead. Yup.
ERNIE THE SPOON: Huh.ERNIE THE SPOON: I’ll have to send out some divers, then.(leaves, presumably in search of some divers)
PHOENIX (to Jay): What’s the matter with you? Are you drunk orsomething?JAY: I may be a little happy, yeah.
Anastasia remained unphased by either occurrence and promptlymoved on. Is that admirable or not?
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it before or not, but Jay has anunerring sense of timing. Right in the middle of a discussion ofwhether J. K. Rowling or Diana Wynne Jones is the better author,*he decided to change the subject.*Diana Wynne Jones is better. No contest.
JAY: So, Lisa, now that your husband is dead, I think it’s time totalk about getting married.LISA: I beg your pardon?JAY: Getting married. (as Lisa stares blankly at him) Us. You andme. (as the blank stare continues) I’ve got all my own teeth…
GLEN: Oh, come on. Is that really how you pick up girls?JAY (frostily): I am not “picking up” anybody.GLEN: Obviously.JAY (through his teeth): This is a private conversation.GLEN (cheerily): Well, you shouldn’t have it in public, then. Doyou want me to demonstrate?JAY (sarcastically): Oh, please. Be my guest.
GLEN: If you want to make a pretty girl like you, you reallyshould have started practicing when you were very young. Theimportant thing is to find something new to say to every girl. Theycan tell when you have a standard line. (to Lisa) I’ve alwaysthought that you radiated the poise and glamour of the golden daysof Hollywood, but you look especially elegant this afternoon.
LISA: There’s touch, too. A casual, light touch, somewhere non-threatening on the upper body can be very powerful.GLEN: Yes, so use with caution. (to Lisa) Oops, you’ve got aneyelash. May I?(Lisa nods)
JO (butting in): Yes, and a soulful gaze can -- (attempts todemonstrate with Glen) can --GLEN (ignoring her): But the capper is the way you phrase yourproposal. Let me show you.
GLEN: Lisa, there is a man here who loves you deeply -- wildly --passionately! Although his face may be hidden and his hair dyed --JAY: Im a natural blonde.GLEN: -- his heart is clear and his love unaltered. And though he isa lousy pianist --JAY: I play very well!GLEN: -- he can think of no greater happiness than to accompanyyou for the rest of his life!JAY: Idve worked in "accompanist" somehow if I were you.
GLEN: Dearest Lisa, will you make that man the happiest man inthe world?LISA (near tears): Oh, Cecil! Of course I will! (throws herself inhis arms)JO: Oh, how romantic! (then, as she realizes the implications)Hey! Wait a minute!JAY: Hey! You were supposed to be showing me what to do!GLEN: I was. I did. And see? It works. (turning back to Lisa) Gofind your own girl to practice on.
JO: Well, that sucks. Wanna go get a drink?JAY: No. I have to go cry in the bathroom now.
PHOENIX: Why so glum, chum? (as Jo shoots him a look ofdeath) What? My granddaddy used to say that.JO: Well, its a stupid saying. But what does it matter? The man Ilove went and got himself engaged to somebody else, and theresno point anymore.PHOENIX: But I havent gotten engaged to anybody! Im a one-woman man, Jo, you know that.JO: Not you, idiot! Cecil! (clamps her hand over her mouth) Oh,snap…
PHOENIX: Cecil... your brother? Who showed up oh-so-conveniently right when Glen disappeared and who always hideshis face? (realizing) Hes not your brother at all, is he? Hes Glen,and you made me lie to Ernie the Spoon!JO: No! No, look, he cant be Glen, right? Because you saw Glendie. So if you saw him die, then theres nothing for me to beunhappy about. And anyway hes engaged to my cousin, so (deepbreath) theres no reason we cant be married, right? And nobodyelse needs to know, right?PHOENIX (joyfully): You love me?!JO: Esme, no! Im just going to marry you.PHOENIX: Same thing.JO (pointedly): Is it.
CECIL: Ey shrouda, Jo. Did you hear? Captain Hero just capturedErnie the Spoon, and hes going to be locked up for a long, longtime. I guess that means your friend doesnt have to worryanymore, huh?JO: (throws herself on Cecil and hugs him) Eeeeeee! Thatswonderful news!PHOENIX: Hey! Who do you think youre hugging?JO: This is my brother, Cecil.PHOENIX: Another brother! (resignedly) Okay, bring em all outat once. I may as well know the worst.
JO: You idiot! This is my real brother!PHOENIX: Oh. Well. Glad to meet my brother-in-law-to-be, then.CECIL (confused): Jo?JO: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well talk about that later. Right now, thosemojitos are not sitting well at urp.
Other people are not as ambivalent about what they want.PONG: Me? Really? You want to marry me?REBECCA: Uh-huh.PONG: Really? I mean, you’re so pretty and cool -- you couldhave anybody. You want me?REBECCA: I sure do.
PONG: Then you’ve got me.REBECCA: Forever?PONG: You bet.And speaking of engagements…
LISA: Leila! Hi! How was Veronaville?LEILA: Lousy. What’s going on here?LISA: Its my engagement party! Im engaged to Cecil!LEILA: Cousin Cecil?LISA: No, the other Cecil -- Jos cousin.LEILA: I thought Uncle Albert was an only child. So you gotdivorced that fast? What about Ernie the Spoon?
LISA: Captain Hero captured him. But what do you mean,"divorced"? My husbands dead. He drowned. It was an accident.LEILA: No he didnt. I just saw him outside.LISA (going very pale): What?LEILA: I just saw him outside. (turns) Oh, there he is. (waves)Hey, Glen! Come on over and meet your wife!
LISA: Oh, Mr. Cameron, I am so so sorry. You see, I love someoneelse. I want to marry him. I dont want to be married to youanymore. Could we... could we get a divorce?GLEN: Mmmm... Nope. I think Id rather stay married to you.LISA: Oh, but -- (looks up)
LISA: (launching herself at him) CECIL!GLEN: Its Glen Cameron, actually. Still want to marry me?LISA: Oh yes, yes, yes!JAY: Lisa?
JAY: Lisa, I... I... (gropes for words, then sings) I want to be lovedby you, just you, and nobody else but you...LISA (sings back, tenderly): I want to be loved by him alone. ...Imsorry, Jay.
…And that would be where Gilbert rang the curtain down. But thisis not a theatrical production, and life goes on. Here, then, whathappened after Lisa and Glen celebrated their engagement.Marriage.Whatever.
I suppose Lisa made too many friends, because she ended up witha nifty llama jacket too.LISA: But it’s my gnome, officer! I’m not really going to steal it.You can’t steal something that you already own!
I don’t know where she found the time, really. If she wasn’t atclass, she was working on the Official requirements: at the robotbench until her Comfort meter turned a lovely shade of orange…
…then to the computer to work on a novel until her Comfort meterrecovered…
Glen took his turn at the robot bench when Lisa didn’t need it, andended his college career with a Bronze badge in Robotics.
He became, and remained, friends with Jo. You’d think that theremight be some lingering awkwardness, what with Jo having a hugecrush on Glen, and with him pretending to be her brother, andbeing engaged to her cousin, and all.Married.Whatever.
However, Jo found out that what Phoenix lacked in looks, he madeup for in other ways, and she became much more reconciled to theidea of marrying him.INDIGNANT DORMIE: Hey! Don’t you have rooms to go to?
Lisa had a similar revelation with regards to Glen, which may havehad something to do with her Junior year switch to Romance.LISA: Oh, Glen! Couldn’t you stay? Maybe you could get aMaster’s!GLEN: No, I’m done. Why would I want another degree?LISA: But with you gone, I don’t know if I can… trust myself.Could you trust me?GLEN: Of course I trust you, darling! But, uh, you have my phonenumber if you… need anything, right?LISA: I do. And you’ll come if I call?GLEN: As fast as possible. Faster!
Leila also rerolled her aspiration at Junior year, as per the rules.She ended up as Family. However, I have Plans for her that alsohave rules, and those rules state that she can’t be Family. So Irerolled the reroll.Leila ended up as Fortune again. I could have saved myself thebother.
Of course, after her disappointment in Veronaville, Leila couldn’tmaintain her hero-worship of Titania Summerdream, but neitherdid she want to give up on her dream of becoming a fairy.However, as you can see, her next attempt at becoming more fairy-like was a little… eclectic.*Lisa still loves her and supports her, but most other people thinkthat she’s gone more than a little strange.*The outfit is indeed Eaxis-made -- it’s from one of the store collections. TheArt Nouveau one, I think. The hair is also from the store, but I have no ideawhich collection it’s from.
Now that he was back, Cecil had more chance of observingAnastasia’s recent antics, and after one encounter too many, hedecided he was through with women.
After that one disastrous and ill-advised date with Blake Louie, hedecided he was through with men, too.
And all of a sudden, it was time for graduation. In keeping with thecurrent tradition, Hobbes* has given me extremely unsatisfyingtransition outfits for everyone, particularly the person associatedwith the Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge household. (Youcan’t tell, but Cecil got a blue-and-white kimono.)Glen’s outfit is out of character, perhaps, but it’s certainly notWacky. I wanted Wacky, dammit!*Hobbes is the name of my current computer. The previous computer wasnamed Iolanthe, and the one before that was named Esme.…What, you don’t name your computers? Then how can you cuss at them?
All that time on the computer ended up paying off for Lisa. Notonly did she max out Creativity, but her play Woohoo was selectedas one of the year’s best student plays in the whole country andpublished by Thalia Melepomene Books.It sold fairly well, too, although that may or may not have had todo with the title.
And at the beginning of Senior year, Leila got a ray of hope thather dream might be achievable after all.JIM THE DORMIE: Hey, I hope you don’t mind me asking… Areyou wearing that face paint for religious reasons?LEILA: No. (defiantly) I’m going to be a fairy someday.JIN THE DORMIE: Oh, you mean with the wings and all? That’spretty expensive, isn’t it?
LEILA: Wait -- you mean you really can become a fairy?JIM THE DORMIE: Well, I know you can get wings surgicallyimplanted. They tie them into your spinal cord or something?Anyway, they flap, sorta, and I’ve heard that some people get anadded metabolic treatment where they live off moonbeams and dewafter. It costs an absolute bomb, though, is what I’ve heard.LEILA: How do you know all this?JIM THE DORMIE: Dunno. I just pick stuff up.LEILA: Well, where can I find out how to have it done?JIM THE DORMIE: …The internet?
To the Internet it is, then. Leila found lots of information aboutpeople who had used body modification to transform themselvesinto all sorts of things: different varieties of large cat, mostly, butalso lizards, rotting corpses, and non-specific creatures with hornsor zebra-like stripes.*The cost of body modification is quite high; particularly thegetting-wings-implanted part -- even if you don’t want any tattoos.*“Body modification,” Wikipedia article. Available fromhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_modification; accessed 26 February 2012.Not authoritative enough to cite in an academic paper, but fascinating.
So Leila applied for a job that paid very well.INTERVIEWER: Hmmm… I’m really not sure, Ms. Shankel. Youhave no experience in this field.LEILA (earnestly): No, but I can learn. I’m a very fast learner.INTERVIEWER: I really don’t know. You see, you look a little bittoo much like our… clientele.LEILA: (steeling herself with a deep breath) The paint washesright off. And I’ll wear whatever uniform you require.
INTERVIEWER: Hmmm. Well, I have to admit that we don’t havemany applicants for this position, and most of the people we hiredon’t stay very long.LEILA: I’ll stick around. Really I will! I’m very dedicated. Veryfocused.INTERVIEWER: And you actually are interested in the post?LEILA: Absolutely! (under her breath) And the salary attached toit.INTERVIEWER: What was that?LEILA: I’m very interested, sir!INTERVIEWER: Hmmm. Well, we’ll get back to you.LEILA: Thank you, sir!
Alas, I will not be able to report the results of Leila’s interview,since very shortly thereafter the clock ran out and both girls had tograduate with honors.As you can see, the Curse of the Non-Wacky Clothing continues.This, then, is where I will leave you. I hope you enjoyed this extra-Plotty two-part college chapter!
Notes, disclaimers, and other triviaThis special crossover sotry is based on The Yeomen of the Guard,or, The Merryman and His Maid. That story was set in ElizabethanEngland and more specifically within the Tower of London. Forobvious reasons, I changed all that. Not all scenes in this storycorrespond to scenes in the original opera. Just like last time, Icould provide a one-to-one correspondence, but I suggest that yougo watch a filmed or live production instead -- it will be muchmore enjoyable for you. I rearranged a couple scenes for betterflow within a Uni setting. I have also deleted a couple scenes thatcouldn’t translate (as when one character sings a song about theTower) and rearranged a few characters, as seen in the cast list.
Sir Richard Cholmondeley (Lieutenant of the Tower): Split betweenLeila Shankel and Ernie the SpoonColonel Fairfax (under sentence of death): Glen CameronSergeant Meryll (of the Yeomen of the Guard) and Phoebe Meryll (hisdaughter): Combined into Josephine ShankelLeonard Meryll (Phoebe’s brother): Cecil ShankelJack Point (a Strolling Jester): Jay CormierWilfred Shadbolt (Head Jailer and Assistant Tormenter): Phoenix WrenElsie Maynard (a Strolling Singer): Lisa ShankelAll other solo parts, most notably that of Dame Carruthers(Housekeeper to the Tower) were eliminated.
The song Lisa and Jay sing in Act I and reprise in Act II is “IWanna Be Loved By You.” The original was recorded in the late11920s or early 1930s by Helen Kane and was covered by MarilynMonroe in the 1960s; Lisa is using Ms. Monroe’s lyrics. If the“boo boo be doo” part sounds familiar, it’s because Helen Kanewas the model for Betty Boop, who appropriated Ms. Kane’ssignature phrase “boop boop a doop.” I would guess that the phrasewas copyrighted by the time Ms. Monroe recorded her version.Gilbert & Sullivan used a different song the same way in theoriginal opera: as a crowd pleaser in Act 1 and a source of pathosin Act II. I chose something more modern mostly because this isset in more modern times. Also, the original is really long.
Marilyn Monroe never wrote any books or plays, as far as I know,but Mae West started out as a playwright. Her play titled, basically,Woohoo, led to her arrest on obscenity charges, and two movieswritten by and starring her were so racy that they led to thecreation of the rules about what you can and cannot do and say inmovies, at least in America.*Thalia Melepomene Books is not a real publisher. Thalia was theMuse of comedy and Melepomene was the Muse of tragedy, and Ithought the name sounded good.*Source: Mini-boigraphy found on IMDb:http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0922213/bio; accessed 21 February 2012.
I could not have shot this chapter without decorgal21572’s CustomModeling Poses Hack V2 w/Face Overlays, which can be found atMod The Sims (MTS). I try to use custom content very sparingly,now that I do use it, but without decorgal21572’s hack, severalpeople in this story would have been inappropriately cheerful whenthey were supposed to be heartbroken or nasty.
Additional custom content in this story:Screaming Mustard’s “Swan” posebox (from MTS), used for Leila’sintroductory pictureLeila’s workout outfit in that picture was made by yours trulyAlso in that picture were hed’s “Ballet Barre” (MTS) and the clock from thejgwhite’s “Modern Office” set (MTS)Leesester’s “Move Over Dahlen” bookshelf (MTS) is behind Glen in thestudent lounge and also in his bedroomKiaraRawks’s “Long Drapes” (MTS) are in Jo’s bedroom, and so isSimgaroop’s “Maxis Match Stick ’Em Up Bulletin Board” (MTS)Glen wears Novemberlove’s “‘Mokey Hokey’” glasses recolors (MTS)I apologize for the use of custom content, and will do my best to not use it inthe future.
The fate of Jack Point is left ambiguous in the original: he “fallsinsensible”* at the feet of the happy couple. Some directors haveinterpreted this as dying, some as a simple faint, some just sendhim offstage, and I have heard of one production where hecommits suicide offstage.While Jay is not dead, he is certainly not in the best frame of mind.He will definitely need a safe place to stay while he heals.Somewhere that provides asylum, if you will. Stay tuned!Until next time, Happy Simming!* W. S. Gilbert, The Yeomen of The Guard, act 2, scene 10. Available fromhttp://math.boisestate.edu/GaS/yeomen/web_opera/yeomen_22.html; accessed 9 January 2012.