Ruth's (u)OWBC Presents: Arbitration


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Ruth's (u)OWBC Presents: Arbitration

  1. 1. Previously in Ruth’s (un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge…During college, Oakapple Shankel lost both his fangirls and his fiancée to hisbrother, Adam. This sent him into a tailspin involving bubbles, juice, fights,casual relationships, and so forth. Oakapple was pulled out of the tailspin by hisbest friend Oliver and by Adam, who promised to fix everything and findsomeone to love Oakapple. Adam tried this fix via a love potion slipped toOakapple at Adam’s wedding. Unfortunately, it backfired, and the only way tobreak the spell was for someone to sacrifice themselves to the ancient Chaldeanequivalent of the devil. Oakapple volunteered. Adam then tried to resurrect hisbrother, but since the family did not have quite enough cash, Oakapple cameback as a zombie. Oakapple moved out before Adam could attempt to “fix”anything else. Oliver revealed that he cared about Oakapple even without a lovepotion, and with the personality modifications due to becoming a zombie,Oakapple began to think that he might return Oliver’s affections. That’s whenCeleste Kalson showed up on the doorstep, announcing she was Oakapple’sfiancée. Things have gone badly enough that they are now in need ofArbitration…
  2. 2. OAKAPPLE SHANKEL: Hello. Is this… Room 903?EDGAR MILLER: Yes. How can I help you?OAKAPPLE: I’m the, uh… “Party of the… First Part.”
  3. 3. EDGAR: Ah, yes. You’re the one who’s trying to get out ofmarrying a perfectly nice girl.OAKAPPLE: Have you… even met her?EDGAR: No, but her name is “Celeste.” (sighs romantically)How perfect must she be, to be called “Heavenly”!OAKAPPLE (dubiously): It’s just… a name. How did you…get to be… an impartial arbitrator?
  4. 4. EDGAR (V.O.): Oh, I used to listen to all my friends in college.I was pretty good at helping them work stuff out. And I likehelping make people happy.OAKAPPLE (V.O.): You don’t… get special training… oranything?EDGAR (V.O.) (puzzled): I wouldn’t need special training toperform surgery – why would I need it to listen to people? Andto figure out how much money you owe Celeste for jilting her,of course.OAKAPPLE (V.O.) (mutters): I should have… sprung for a…real trial.
  5. 5. CELESTE KALSON: Hello? Is this Room 903?EDGAR: Yes, it is. How can I help you?CELESTE: I’m the “Party of the Second Part.”
  6. 6. EDGAR: “Heavenly” indeed! Now tell me, Celeste, just what’sgoing on?CELESTE: He said he’d marry me! And now he says he won’t!OAKAPPLE: I don’t remember… saying that. I… may havebeen… on bubbles.CELESTE: Well, whether he remembers or not, he said he’dmarry me! And I already bought my trousseau!
  7. 7. OAKAPPLE: What’s a… “trousseau”?EDGAR: It’s the personal possessions of a bride, usuallyincluding clothing, accessories, and household goods.CELESTE: And lingerie. Don’t forget the lingerie. FromVictoria’s Secret, no less!OAKAPPLE: They’re pretty… expensive.*CELESTE: Exactly! So if he won’t marry me, I’m asking fordamages! Fifty thousand ought to cover it.OAKAPPLE: Fifty thou – !*Oakapple knows this because he used to buy Dial-A-Shimmer BodyLotion from Victoria’s Secret, and he would see the sale signs. Notbecause he wears women’s underwear.
  8. 8. OAKAPPLE: Look, you know… how it is. You… love thisone… today and that one… tomorrow. So I’m… happy tomarry… this one today… if I can marry… that one tomorrow.EDGAR: Well, that sounds reasonable to me. (to Celeste) Whatdo you think?
  9. 9. CELESTE: I’m sorry, sir, but that’s a crime.EDGAR: Really? What crime is that?CELESTE: Burglary.EDGAR: Oh. Well. Tsk tsk. Can’t have burglary, now, can we?
  10. 10. OAKAPPLE: But I’d be… a terrible husband! I’d… get drunk,and then… I’d beat her… and kick her.CELESTE: I don’t care! I love him, I love him, I love him! I’llnever love anybody else ever, ever, ever, and I’ll die old,lonely, and alone! – Remember that when you’re figuringdamages.
  11. 11. EDGAR: Well, now, it sounds like the question is whetherOakapple here will be a mean drunk or not. Tell you what: let’sget him drunk and find out.CELESTE: Okay!OAKAPPLE: No! I’m… eleven months sober!EDGAR: Well, fine! You don’t like any of my suggestions, sohere’s how we’ll settle it…
  12. 12. EDGAR: I’ll marry her myself!CELESTE: Squeeeeeee! He’s rich!OAKAPPLE (to himself): Thank Esme!
  13. 13. SONG. Oh, joy unbounded,With wealth surrounded, The knell is sounded Of grief and woe.
  14. 14. SONG.It seems to me, sir,Of such as she, sir, A judge is he, sir,
  15. 15. SONG. And a good judge, too!**Adapted from W.S. Gilbert, Trial by Jury, song 14. Available from; accessed 5 June2011.
  16. 16. Notes, disclaimers, and other triviaThis brief interlude is based on Trial by Jury, which wasactually Gilbert & Sullivan’s second collaboration, but which isthe oldest one to survive. (Apparently, their first collaboration –Thespis, or, The Gods Grown Old – was so bad that the scoreand libretto were “accidentally” lost pretty quickly.) It runs fora whopping half hour, and is usually performed on a double billwith The Sorcerer, which is also short. Since I used TheSorcerer, I thought it was only fair to use Trial by Jury too. Theoriginal was set during a trial for “breach of promise,” orreneging on a promise to marry a woman. This was nevergrounds for a lawsuit in the States, and hasn’t been one inBritain since the 1970s, so I had the parties hire an arbitratorinstead.
  17. 17. Oh, and the reason Oakapple doesn’t remember proposing toCeleste? He never did. She was a matchmaker drop for Eddie,who couldn’t have been more thrilled.Until next time, happy Simming!