Myrna, or, Oakapple's Own: Act I


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Myrna, or, Oakapple's Own: Act I

  1. 1. Welcome to Myrna, or, Oakapple’s Own, a special part of Ruth’s(un)Officially Wacky Boolprop Challenge. Ruth’s takes place in the verysame neighborhood as my story Already in Progress, and Myrna involvesSims from AiP.Now, I know that some of you read both stories. I also know that some ofyou only read Ruth’s or AiP So while we listen to the overture (becausethis Plot has been shamelessly ripped off appropriated from one of Gilbert& Sullivan’s operas), let me introduce you to everyone.
  2. 2. I’m sure readers of Ruth’s will recognize these folks.Buttercup is the oldest, and is not the heir. She tends towards all things yellow,and is your go-to person for “party supplies.” She was originally a Pleasure Sim,but her Junior year “reroll” left her as Fortune.Old Adam – who goes by just plain Adam – is the middle child. As you can see,he is a vampire. He has become known as a writer of fables, and uses the penname of “Adam the All-Right” – because he is never wrong. Adam is veryconcerned with doing the proper thing, hence the evening dress and the new ‘do.Oakapple is the youngest. He is a personality clone of his sister, which probablyexplains why they don’t get along. Oakapple has read The Gloaming by SophieMayer (and all its sequels). Hopefully, this is obvious.
  3. 3. From Already in Progress, we have two groups. This group, first cousins to theShankel clan, has already graduated.Charlotte “Charlie” Miller is the oldest. In college, Charlie joined the other twoin founding a fraternity. Fraternities are traditionally male-only, but it was agreedthat she could join since she liked girls too. Before graduation, Charlie wasdating Louise Sanders (see next picture), but nothing was formalized.Dante “Don” Miller is Charlie’s twin brother. He has a whopping nine Nicepoints, and likes red-haired girls. In fact, he has a decided preference for aparticular redheaded girl (see next picture), and since he has lots of Seriouspoints to keep those Nice points company, you can probably see where this isheaded.Descartes (say “day-CART”) Littledragon is a bit younger than cousins Charlieand Don, but is definitely the leader of this little group. This is because he ismade of Win plus Awesome. Officially, Descartes does not have anyone special.
  4. 4. The second group from AiP and environs is currently in college.Albert Adams is the son of a rock star with one husband, one girlfriend, andmany groupies. He rebelled by becoming conservative. Buttercup likes him.Edgar Miller is Charlie and Don’s half-brother. He has ten Nice points, and iscurrently holding down the Cham Hoh Fraternity.Louise Sanders has a twin sister (see below). Although she was dating Charliebefore the latter’s graduation, Louise likes boys too.Oliver Couderc is Samantha’s cousin and Oakapple’s best (human) friend. Hecan talk the hind leg off a donkey – provided he’s known it for a while.Samantha Littledragon is musically inclined. She is best friends with Buttercupand Louise, and had a huge crush on Edgar before switching to Don.
  5. 5. And finally, we have Myrna. Myrna is Louise’s twin sister, and iscurrently a Pleasure Sim. Myrna looks very much like her grandfather,with a generous helping of her grandfather’s grandmother thrown in forgood measure. She is quite active, so I’m sure you can see just how muchshe likes to eat – not that there’s anything wrong with liking food! Myrnais also a very important Sim: the heir to my OWBC will be the one whomarries her.Now that you’ve all been introduced, let’s continue on with the story:Myrna, or, Oakapple’s Own.
  6. 6. LOUISE: Oh, he’s perfect, isn’t he?ABBEY TSVIRKUNOV: Beautiful! The way he sparkles…!SAMANTHA: And he’ll never look at us mere mortals.BRENDA SEAVEY: Never, never, never.LOUISE: We’ll grow old and die and he’ll never even look at us like that.(All sigh deeply)
  7. 7. MYRNA: I don’t get it. Why are you all so into this guy? What’s wrongwith your old boyfriends? Or girlfriends.SAMANTHA: You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never been in love.MYRNA: No, I haven’t. And if makes you into party poopers like youguys, then I don’t want to be. Not when there are couches to jump on.
  8. 8. Here you can see that the household is in compliance with the Officialrules: three flamingos per OWBC participant and a gnome to “guard”them, although the gnome actually spends most of his time being stolen.But with a household as generally Mean as this one, people practicallyfight over who gets to steal the gnome back.
  9. 9. Old Adam often wins simply by being the only Sim awake at gnome-retrieval time.As you can see, Adam has lost his claim to being called “beautiful.” Don’tget me wrong – personally, I quite like the way he looks. But you have toadmit that, even though it doesn’t afford the little birds a perch to roostupon, his nose is definitely in the same class as Cyrano de Bergerac’s.
  10. 10. The gnome is safe from no one. I daresay the Sims in the household wouldsteal him if they could. Since they can’t, their significant others have to doit for them.DESCARTES: Charlotte Anne Miller! Don’t you even think of stealingthat gnome!CHARLOTTE: Oh, come on. It’s a cheap garden gnome. They’ll nevermiss it.DESCARTES: I can’t believe you’re rationalizing such a terrible action!Why, it’s on the lawn of the dorm inhabited by your very own girlfriend!CHARLOTTE: You wanted to steal it yourself, didn’t you?DESCARTES: …Maybe.And speaking of Charlie and Louise…
  11. 11. CHARLOTTE: Do I look okay?DANTE: You look fine.CHARLOTTE: Are you sure? Maybe I should wear the other one.DESCARTES: You’re awesome. Not as awesome as me, of course, butpretty awesome anyway.CHARLOTTE: Really?DESCARTES: If Gawaine Goodytwoshoes, Zane Devereaux, SpiderJerusalem Vetinari, Rolley Wonglepong, and Ichabod Marmite had ababy, that would be the amount of awesome we’re talking about here.CHARLOTTE: You can’t have five parents. And they’re all boys…DESCARTES: And you can’t propose to your girlfriend sitting aroundhere arguing about genetics. Don and I are here for moral support, so let’sgo.
  12. 12. CHARLOTTE: Hey, Louise. New hairdo? It’s nice. Listen, I –LOUISE: Not now, Charlie.CHARLOTTE: Sorry?LOUISE: Not now – he’s going to be here any minute!CHARLOTTE: Who?
  13. 13. LOUISE: Oakapple!ABBEY: Squeeeee! (faints)OAKAPPLE (to nobody in particular): Did you hear something?SAMANTHA: Oakapple! Oakapple! We’re here!LOUISE: (aside) Esme, he looks just like Edwin from The Gloaming!(aloud) Oakapple!OAKAPPLE (to nobody in particular): Nope – must have been the wind.
  14. 14. CHARLOTTE: Louise, wait!LOUISE: Sorry, Charlie. Straightforward party animals are so out.(pittyingly) You should read The Gloaming – then you’d understand. I’dloan you my copy, but I kinda need it. – Oakapple! Wait!
  15. 15. DESCARTES: So how’d it go?CHARLOTTE: This is not fair! I mean, I even joined a frat! Girls love fratboys!DESCARTES: Well, Chuck, there’s a small problem with thatstatement…CHARLOTTE: Oh, who cares that I’m not actually a boy? Girls aresupposed to like people who know how to show them a good time, not a –a – a metrosexual in lipstick! Did you notice that he has stubble and wearsfoundation? What kind of poseur combines stubble and foundation? Andhow do you keep the foundation from covering up your stubble, anyway?DESCARTES: Mascara.CHARLOTTE: I’m not even going to ask how you know that.
  16. 16. OAKAPPLE: So whaddya say, Myrna? Go out with me!MYRNA: No, thank you, Oakapple. (concentrates fiercely on her omelet)OAKAPPLE: Oh, come on. I’m a young, handsome vampire. All the girlslove me. And I love you! Aren’t you lucky? Come on, go out with me!MYRNA: Thank you, Oakapple, but vampires really aren’t my thing.OAKAPPLE: Do you see any fangs here? (bares non-fanged teeth briefly)So what will it take for you to go out with me?MYRNA: Oakapple, please don’t take this the wrong way, but… nothing.There really is nothing that would make me go out with you. I’m sorry.OAKAPPLE: Really?MYRNA: Really. I’m sorry.OAKAPPLE: (with forced cheerfulness): No, no, nothing to apologize for.There’s lots of good fish in the sea. Um – See you around, then? (slinks offmiserably)
  17. 17. Oakapple pretty routinely turns to his best friend Oliver to cheer him up.Oliver is a physics major, but he’s quite fond of the makeover chair,probably because it gives him a chance to socialize with people in a non-stressful way. Oliver also writes All Possible Worlds fanfic and is active inseveral online communities. One of his stories was even nominated for areader’s choice award.He’s reasonably good at giving makeovers, too.
  18. 18. Oakapple is not a Worlder,* so he and Oliver have a lot of pillow fights.I don’t know about your game, but in my game pillow fights almost seemto be a low-level flirt. It’s one of the first things that newlyweds do. It’sthe favorite pastime of my long-married couples. And if one of my Simshas bolts for an in-law, they’ll be pillow fighting pretty much every time Iturn my back.Oakapple likes the ladies, and Oliver hasn’t gotten around to expressing agender preference. (Probably because he hasn’t met any zombies in formalwear yet.) But it might be a good idea if Oakapple’s fangirls didn’t findout about this.*A person who is into All Possible Worlds; roughly equivalent to a Trekkie.
  19. 19. They probably shouldn’t find out about this either…OAKAPPLE (sings, off-key but enthusiastically):I’m a Barbie girlIn a Barbie wo-oo-orldLife in plasticIt’s fantastic…
  20. 20. OAKAPPLE: Phew! It’s good to be alone! (picks up bunny-bear) It’s hardwork, Bunthorne. I hate drab clothes and broodiness and simmeringviolence.BUNTHORNE:OAKAPPLE: Because the girls love it, Bunthorne, that’s why I do it.Same with the makeup.BUNTHORNE:OAKAPPLE: You didn’t really think I looked like this naturally, did you?Makeup. And Victoria’s Secret Beauty Rush Dial-a-Shimmer lotion. Girlslove the sparkles.BUNTHORNE:OAKAPPLE: Well of course real vampires don’t sparkle, Bunthorne.They can’t go out during the day, either. It’s not my fault that SophieMayer can’t be bothered to get her facts straight.
  21. 21. BUTTERCUP: I just don’t know, Louise. What am I going to do with allthe money I’m making?LOUISE: …Spend it? Or you can give some to me.BUTTERCUP: (laughs) You’re funny. No, how am I going to explain it?That’s how they got Al Capone, you know – tax fraud. What am I going totell them I do?ALBERT: You can just say what you do – it’s illegal for the tax people totell law enforcement. You can even deduct your ordinary and reasonablebusiness expenses: cost of goods sold, stuff like that.BUTTERCUP: Really?ALBERT: Yeah. You can’t deduct the illegal stuff – eliminating acompetitor, maybe – but you can claim an awful lot. You know, I canprobably give you some in-depth advice, if you want.BUTTERCUP: I’ll think about it. Thanks, Albert.
  22. 22. SAMANTHA: You really don’t love anybody? You never have? I mean,really?MYRNA: Really. Why?SAMANTHA: What about that boy you used to play with all the time?Buttercup’s brother, wasn’t he? Or cousin or something? Archibald,maybe, or Andrew?
  23. 23. MYRNA (V.O.) (softly): Adam. His name was Adam. Once he turnedTeen, he never spoke to me again. And every time I called, he wasn’tavailable. (sadly) Nobody is unavailable for five years running.SAMANTHA (V.O.): Did he make you happy?MYRNA (V.O.): Yes. He did.
  24. 24. SAMANTHA: Well, it’s just as well he’s out of the picture, then. Love’snot about being happy.MYRNA (surprised): It isn’t?SAMANTHA: No. Love is suffering. Agony. Torment. And misery. Ifyou expect your man to make you happy, then you’re just being selfish.Here, this book will explain it all. (hands Myrna a copy of “TheGloaming”) I want that back when you’re done with it, by the way.
  25. 25. BUTTERCUP: Okay. So?ALBERT: Huh?BUTTERCUP: So where are you taking me to discuss the ins and outs ofthis tax stuff? I thinking I could use some accounting advice after all.ALBERT: I’m taking you somewhere? Oh! Right. How do you feel aboutthe Happy Rooster?BUTTERCUP: It’s a good place for a first date. Nice choice.ALBERT: First – ? Oh! Right, right, good. Glad you approve.
  26. 26. MYRNA: I can’t believe I’ve been so selfish! So naïve! How could I thinkthat I could make my own decisions and take care of myself? I really doneed a man to tell me what to do and how to do it. My goodness, I’mamazed anyone was willing to be seen with someone as selfish and naïveas me! Now… How to go about finding a man to take care of me?
  27. 27. OLD ADAM: Good evening.MYRNA: Hi.OLD ADAM: May I ask if you have anyone courting you?MYRNA (very surprised): A boyfriend? No, I don’t. Why?
  28. 28. OLD ADAM: Then will you marry me? (quickly) I should tell you thatI’m a man of property. Many people prize that.MYRNA: Marry you? I mean, I’d like to get married, but we haven’t evenbeen introduced. Shouldn’t you be asking someone else?OLD ADAM: O Myrna, have I really changed so much? Do you notrecognize your old friend Adam?
  29. 29. MYRNA: Adam? Old Adam Shankel? (with surprise and delight) Is itreally you?OLD ADAM: Yes, it is really I, Myrna.MYRNA: Oooh, it’s so good to see you! (hugs Adam enthusiastically,steps back) Wow, you’ve really grown!OLD ADAM: Yes, I have grown. But I have not grown out of mychildhood love for you, Myrna, and I have been waiting for a night when Imight make my love known to you at last.MYRNA: Why night? (realizing) Oh, you’re a vampire!OLD ADAM: I am indeed.MYRNA: And you love me?OLD ADAM: I do.
  30. 30. MYRNA: Will you get angry with me? Be silent? Brooding? Will therealways be an unhealthy undercurrent of domestic violence in ourrelationship – will you only hurt me because you love me and routinelyignore my wishes because you know what’s best for me? In short, will youmake my life full of misery and suffering?
  31. 31. OLD ADAM (shocked): Myrna, not for worlds would I ever hurt you! Iwould endeavor to fill your every waking moment with the blissfulhappiness you deserve!MYRNA: Oh. (sadly) But love is supposed to be agony and despair andheartache. If I marry you, I will be blissfully happy, and that isn’t reallove. It would be selfish of me, and it wouldn’t be fair to you.OLD ADAM: Well, no… But Myrna – !
  32. 32. MYRNA: No, Adam. I’m sorry. (brightening a little) But while we’reapart, we’ll be miserable and in agony. And that’s true love. We can neverdo anything about it, but we’ll be experiencing real, true, heartbreakinglove, and there isn’t anything better than that. So let’s say goodbye now.OLD ADAM (sadly): Goodbye, Myrna, my own! My heart will forever beyours!MYRNA: And my heart is yours too, Adam! I will miss you somethingawful! (nearly in tears) Isn’t love wonderful?Oh, my heart is breaking for them! Let’s look at something happy for aminute.
  33. 33. Water balloon fights! Everyone likes water balloon fights, right? Certainlythat’s how Eddie makes most of his friends for the Greek House. He couldhave asked Cole here to pledge, but ended up asking Jay to pledge asplaceholder instead.
  34. 34. This is a decision he probably still regrets.JAY: Eddie, can I give you a back rub?EDGAR: No.JAY: Please?EDGAR: No. Jay, my autonomous gender preference is for females. Isn’tyours?JAY (whines): I don’t care right now! I’m Family, Eddie, and I need tohave a meaningful interaction with someone right now or I’m going to gointo aspiration failure!EDGAR: How would this be in any way meaningful, Jay?Buttercup is much better at discouraging pests.
  35. 35. OAKAPPLE: …They persecute me, I tell you! I can’t get a minute tomyself. You have no idea how awful it is to be followed around by agaggle of lovesick girls. I bet you’re glad you don’t have to worry aboutthat, aren’tcha, Al?BUTTERCUP: Why wouldn’t he have to worry about that?OAKAPPLE (backpedaling quickly): Oh, I just meant – I mean, I didn’t –I – Look, I’m not at my best right now. This persecution, it –BUTTERCUP (disgusted): Oh, go raffle yourself off, for all I care! Your“persecution” is your own damn fault, and you know it!OAKAPPLE: I –BUTTERCUP: Scram!
  36. 36. However, there are some pests Eddie has no problem getting rid of.COW MASCOT: Bbbbbbuuuutttttt yyyyyyyou haaaaaave ttttttttttennnnNnnnnniccccce pppppoinnnnntttttssssss!EDGAR: Sure do. And yet I stomp on roaches, too. (politely) Thank youfor the skill point. You can leave now.And speaking of Eddie, let’s check on his siblings.
  37. 37. DESCARTES: Whoa, hey – what’s going on here?BRENDA: We’re playing Myshuno for charity. Two dollars a gameboard.ABBEY: We could win fabulous prizes!(All girls giggle)
  38. 38. DESCARTES: Yeah? Like what? I think I’ve got two bucks on mesomewhere…OAKAPPLE: Sorry, Descartes. Ladies only.LOUISE: He’s the grand prize!HEATHER: Isn’t it fantastic?
  39. 39. DESCARTES: You’re raffling off yourself?!OAKAPPLE: I have been cruelly rejected by the love of my life, so whynot? (turning back to the girls) Ready, ladies? First call –MYRNA: Oakapple?OAKAPPLE (eagerly): Yes, Myrna? You want a game board? Here, takea dozen!
  40. 40. MYRNA: No, no game board. It’s just – If you still want me, I’ll – (deepbreath, steels herself) I’ll marry you.
  41. 41. OAKAPPLE: Ha ha! I knew it! I knew it! You really wanted me all along!– Raffle’s off, everyone! Tough luck.MYRNA: No, you’re wrong. I don’t want you. I never did. But to love isto suffer – happiness is selfish. (sighs dejectedly) And with you, I will bethoroughly miserable.
  42. 42. (Oakapple blinks at her uncomprehendingly)OAKAPPLE: Ooooookay… As long as you’re proposing to me, I don’treally care. Ladies, if you’d please clear the area…?ABBEY: Hey! This is not fair!SAMANTHA: Cheater!LOUISE: I want a refund!(More yelling, louder and angrier)
  43. 43. OLD ADAM: I beg your pardon, but would you mind terribly keeping thenoise down?SAMANTHA: A vampire! He’s a vampire!OLD ADAM: Yes, I am a vampire. But even vampires need to study –ALL OF OAKAPPLE’S FANGIRLS: We love you!
  44. 44. DESCARTES, CHARLOTTE, and DANTE: They love him –crapnuggets!
  45. 45. MYRNA and OAKAPPLE: They love him! Crapnuggets!
  46. 46. OLD ADAM: They love me? Crapnuggets, crapnuggets, crapnuggets!And on that note, I will leave you. Tune in next week for Act II of Myrna,or, Oakapple’s Own.