NARRATOR (V.O.): Previously on Goldberg & SilentLady... EMMA Is that any way to talk after all I did for you? GOLDBERG Getting me into a party isn’t much of a burden. EMMA I’m your mother! GOLDBERG Technically.
GOLDBERGI couldn’t find your... property. Maybe you should try another agency in the future. ÆLFRIC I see.ÆLFRIC glances at SILENT LADY. SILENT LADY glares back and lifts her chin. ÆLFRICVery good, Mr. Goldberg. Thank you for the refund. Good day to you... both.
[GOLDBERG AND SILENT LADY opening credits standard version]
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[ALISSA walking through the LOBBY] [Display TV RATING INFORMATION]
GOLDBERG’S OFFICEGOLDBERG is looking through some papers. ALISSA comes in. ALISSA Hi! GOLBERG looks up. GOLDBERG Alissa? Don’t you have school?
ALISSA Yes, but it’s my free period. And – GOLDBERG Does your mother know you’re here? ALISSAShe said I could ask you. And she’s your mother too. GOLDBERG What’s your question?
ALISSAWill you come to my party? It’s next week. Thursday. Mom’s going to order the cake from Jaquet’s, and Josie’s Reluctant Swain will be playing, and we’ve got these great party favors all picked out, and I really really want you to be there because it’s my sixteenth birthday and it’s really really special! You have to come! Say you’ll come! GOLDBERG Well, I...
ALISSAOh please? Please please please? GOLDBERGSee, the job isn’t predictable... ALISSA’S face falls.
ALISSABut I want you to come! GOLDBERG Look, I...
SILENT LADY taps on the door. GOLDBERG (to SILENT LADY)Is that my appointment? Send them in. ALISSA gets up to leave.
FRONT OFFICE ALISSA passes SILENT LADY. ALISSA You’ll make him come, won’t you?SILENT LADY winks at ALISSA and puts her finger to her lips.
ALISSA Promise?SILENT LADY nods as CARL passes her and enters GOLDBERG’S office.
GOLDBERG’S OFFICE GOLDBERG Have a seat, Mr. – er – CARLYeoman. Carl Yeoman. I – It’s about my boy. Leif. GOLDBERG How can I help? CARL Well, it ain’t right. He come home in a box, Mr.Goldberg. And they say there ain’t nothing can be done. And that’s why.
GOLDBERG Ah-huh. CARL See, he come to the city coz he thought he’d fit inbetter here. Coz there’s other people like him here. It’s a small place we – I – live in, Mr. Goldberg, and a boy who likes boys ain’t exactly common. Andfolk can be kinda cruel about it. And when you like, uh – GOLDBERG“Humans”? It’s okay. I know what I am.
CARL I din’t care. He’s – he were – my boy. But he comeback in a box. And what I wanna know is who put him in the box and see them get what’s comin’ to them. GOLDBERG Shouldn’t you be talking to the police about this? CARL They’re the ones what sent him back to me. In thebox. They din’t care, Mr. Goldberg, but I heard good things bout you from my friends what you defended that time, and I brung money.
CARL places large pile of small denomination coins and a photo of his son on the desk. CARL I know you got a real fancy office, and it prollyain’t much to you, but this here’s my life savings,Mr. Goldberg. Will you help me find the person what put my Leif in the box?
GOLDBERG looks at the photo, looks at the money, and passes the money back. CARL Oh, but Mr. Goldberg – GOLDBERG I doubt I’m going to find anything if the police couldn’t. So I find something, then we talk money.
CARL But I got to pay you!CARL pushed the money forward again. GOLDBERG takes one coin off the top and pushes it back. GOLDBERG There, that’s a retainer. Do you have a place to stay? CARL Well...
GOLDBERG stands and walks over to the door. GOLDBERGSilent Lady, can you get Mr. Yeoman a room at the Hostlery, please? CARL Thank you, Mr. Goldberg! Thank you, thank you!
MURAKAME’S OFFICE MURAKAMELeif Yeoman? I mean, I wasn’t really involved in that. GOLDBERG But he went home in a box? MURAKAME What there was left of him, yeah. GOLDBERG And nobody investigated?
MURAKAME What’s to investigate? They found him in a dumpster in the Tar Pit, Goldberg, half eaten by rats. And when they went to ID him, it turns out he’s justanother streetwalker. Okay, it’s sad, but do you know how many of those we get a week? We just don’t have the manpower, and nobody cares. GOLDBERG His father cares.
MURAKAME And his father hired you. That’s great. You can dowhat we can’t. Tell you what: I’ll loan you his file, okay? And if you find who did it, I will arrest them and throw the book at them. But it’s murder season right now, what with the heat and all, and I just don’t have the time. GOLDBERG I always thought you were a good cop.
MURAKAME I am a good cop. And right now, I’m a good cop withten other murders, including a fifteen-year-old girl. You want the file or not? GOLDBERG Yeah. Thanks.
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GOLDBERG’S OFFICE GOLDBERG and SILENT LADY are looking at the crime scene photos and reading LEIF’S file while eating Chinese food. SILENT LADY taps a picture with one chopstick. GOLDBERGYeah, there were a lot of parts missing. Rats. (looks at his food) Maybe I shouldn’t be eating while we do this. SILENT LADY frowns and taps the picture again, and then taps the lab report.
GOLDBERG “Missing body parts: blah blah blah index finger.” Yes, that’s in the picture, too. Rats, I told you.(looks at his food again) This really was a mistake.SILENT LADY taps the picture again: one, two, three, four. She waves her chopstick quizzically. GOLDBERG You know, I hadn’t noticed that. The rest of the hand’s there. Why is just that finger missing? SILENT LADY taps the lab report, farther down.
GOLDBERG“The index finger may have been removed after death, although the condition of the body makes this difficult to determine.” (looks at his food, thenputs it down) Yeah, I’m not hungry anymore. Let’s go see where he was found.
ALLEYWAYGOLDBERG and SILENT LADY are looking at the dumpster. GOLDBERG It’s a dumpster. SILENT LADY nods. GOLDBERG In an alley. SILENT LADY nods again.
GOLDBERG Just like all the other alleys in the city. I bet they didn’t search it, either.SILENT LADY shakes her head. GOLDBERG begins rollingup his sleeves; SILENT LADY pulls two pairs of latex gloves out of her purse. AMADO What are you doing here? GOLDBERG turns.
AMADO I said, what are you doing here? GOLDBERG Easy, now. We’re just looking around. AMADONot with those gloves you’re not. You’re looking for something. What are you looking for? GOLDBERG A body was found here –
AMADO What do you care? What are you looking for? GOLDBERGAnything that would help find out who did it. Do you maybe know something?
AMADO opens his mouth, thinks better of it, turns,and runs. GOLDBERG and SILENT LADY look at each other and then run after him.
STREET CORNER GOLDBERG squats, breathing heavily. GOLDBERG Lost him! Corrupted files! SILENT LADY rolls her eyes and goes over to one ofthe streetwalkers on the corner, who is watching with interest.
STREETWALKER Hi, honey. You both looking, or just him?SILENT LADY shows STREETWALKER the photo of LEIF.
STREETWALKER Aw, is that Long Wood? Lookit, he’s so cute! Justlike a corn-fed all-star! If that’s the kind of thing you’re in the market for, you want to try Minotaur. GOLDBERG (indicating the picture) You know him? STREETWALKER Maybe.
GOLDBERGWhat’s your usual rate? I’ll pay you that just to answer a couple questions. STREETWALKER Is that what they’re calling it these days? Fifteen silver.
SILENT LADY blows a raspberry. STREETWALKER Make that twenty. GOLDBERGPay the – the gentleperson, will you? What can you tell me about, uh, Long Wood?
STREETWALKER Oh, not a whole lot. We worked different shift, you know? But I know that’s a good picture of him. They found him a few streets thataway, you know. Choppedinto little pieces. They say his head had been taken off and sewn on again. Backwards. GOLDBERG It wasn’t. STREETWALKER Well, it should have been. (sniffs) It’s a better story. (as SILENT LADY passes over the money) You want to talk to Loverboy. He’d know.
GOLDBERG And where would I find him? STREETWALKERThis time of day? Probably at Stuff That Fell Off The Back Of A Truck.
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STORE OUTER PART GOLDBERG Hi. I’m looking for Loverboy.The OWNER jerks a thumb over his shoulder to indicate where they should go.
STORE INNER PART GOLDBERGLoverboy? Have you got a minute?
AMADO looks up, sees who it is, and starts to bolt. He trips over the chair and falls on his butt.
GREASY SPOONAMADO is looking at the photo of LEIF. AMADO How did you know his name? GOLDBERG His father hired us. Me. AMADO Why?
GOLDBERG To find who did this to him. AMADO But –AMADO bites his lip and looks down. GOLDBERG You were saying?
AMADO We were going to quit, you know. I did quit. I’d rather file off serial numbers for the rest of my life than go back to that, even if the money’sterrible. (pause) We were going to go back to wherehe was from and get married. Only he wanted to have enough money to go back in style, so that nobody would know what he’d – we’d – used to do. We were going to grow cows or some censor blur like that. Esme, I was so stupid! SILENT LADY touches AMADO lightly on the arm.
GOLDBERG Why were you in the alley today? AMADO It’s where they found him. Why were you? GOLDBERGWe were looking for something. Clues. Tell me, did Leif have any major injuries?
AMADO ...What do you mean? GOLDBERGDid he have all his body parts? Fingers, toes, like that? AMADO The last time I saw him alive, yes.
GOLDBERG What do you mean by that? AMADOLook, I have to get back to work. Thanks for the coffee.
GOLDBERG’S OFFICE GOLDBERG He knows something. He has to know something. SILENT LADY cocks her head to the left. GOLDBERGThe boyfriend. Did you hear him? “Alive,” he said.“Alive.” Does that mean he saw Leif after? (broods briefly) You’re going to ask him tomorrow. SILENT LADY points to herself and raises her eyebrows.
GOLDBERG Yes, you. People like talking to you. They’ll tell you anything. (grumbles) And I’m the professional. You’re just my secretary. SILENT LADY bats her eyelashes at him coquettishlyand blows him a kiss. Then she snorts derisively and turns to check the messages on the phone.
STORE INNER PART AMADO You noticed, didn’t you?SILENT LADY smiles pleasantly and sits, removing one glove. AMADOI could have bitten my tongue off after I said that. SILENT LADY raises her eyebrows inquiringly and removes her other glove.
AMADO Well, you could have been anybody.SILENT LADY nods encouragingly and smoothes her gloves together. AMADO But you’re not. I asked around. Your... boss? SILENT LADY nods.
AMADO Your boss is good people. Word on the street is Ælfric Thornleaf doesn’t like him, and that’s recommendation enough for me.SILENT LADY sniffs and twists her mouth as if she’s just smelled something really nasty. AMADOSo you’re okay. But you might not have been. I could have signed my own death warrant with that stupid slip.
THE STREETSGOLDBERG walks the streets, showing STREETWALKERS the picture of LEIF and asking questions.
Until finally... THE CORNER STREETWALKER #2Yeah, it was Opera Mask. GOLDBERG Opera Mask?
STREETWALKER #2 A lot of the guys who come around here are masked. They don’t want people to know they like itdifferent. And one of my regulars wears these masksfrom the Chinese opera, you know? There’s a red one with a white chin, and one with a red butterfly on it, and one with these lavender ribbons down the cheeks... GOLDBERGAnd Opera Mask went with Long Wood that night instead of you.
STREETWALKER #2I was already in the car with another date. I don’t think Opera Mask saw me, or he’d’ve waited. GOLDBERG You think?
STREETWALKER #2 Opera Mask likes them dead, mister. He likes to play that he’s killing me, and he likes me to lie real still, and he likes to take a trophy afterward. That’s why I wear this cheap jewelry. There aren’t too many of us who will let you do that. And therearen’t too many of us who wouldn’t count as murder if it went wrong. GOLDBERGBecause you’re already dead. Do you think Opera Mask would settle for a live, ah, date? STREETWALKER #2 No. But I don’t think he’d have any problem with making them a dead one.
STORE INSIDE AMADOYou don’t understand, Ms. Lady. I saw underneath the mask.
MURAKAME’S OFFICE MURAKAME You’re censor blurring me. Mr. Fox? GOLDBERG That’s what he said. MURAKAME But (imitates his boss) “Mr. Fox is a highlyrespected member of our business community.” We can’t even give the guy a parking ticket! He seriously likes dead boys?
GOLDBERG And psychics, apparently. He has a Madame Zamboniaround to his apartment every Tuesday to advise him and a select group of friends. MURAKAME I wonder if we could convince her to, ah, “go onvacation” this week. I could get hold of a wire... GOLDBERG Way ahead of you.
MR. FOX’S APARTMENT MR. FOX Hi. You must be Saiai-san. Madame Zamboni said to expect you. AMADO Hai. [Yes.] MR. FOX Who are these two?AMADO waves a hand dismissively and pushes past MR. FOX into the apartment.
AMADO Oni okami gozai mas arrigato. (claps handsimperiously) Mina! [Demon waitress very much thankyou. Everybody! ...AMADO does not speak Japanese.] GOLDBERG Saisai-sama speaks only Japanese. We are his assistants.
GOLDBERG and MURAKAME bustle about setting up whileAMADO stares over everyone’s heads in the manner of someone who is forced to put up with substandard conditions. GUEST #1Look! (points to MURAKAME) He’s got a real kitsune!
MURAKAME turns and bows to GUEST #1. MURAKAMEAnata ha anata oroka sa ha minikui desu. [You are as ugly as you are stupid. ...Murakame does speak Japanese.]
Once the table is set up, AMADO sits, waving a hand at everyone else. AMADO Sama hai negi negi baka. [Lord yes onion onionidiot.] (goes into a “trance,” complete with head- rolling, groans, and general unearthly noises) GOLDBERG The spirits are entering Saisai-sama now.
AMADO Baka ai negi negi baka! [Idiot love onion onionidiot.] There is one here – one who is powerful – one who is handsome – one who is loved and respected by all who meet him – GUEST #2 That sounds like George, all right. AMADO One who I saw in a dream – in the night –
AMADO (V.O.) In an alley –AMADO is taking a leak up against the debris.
MR. FOXMe? In the Tar Pit? In a mask? Nah! AMADO I only dreamed a dream.
MR. FOX (indistinct command) LEIFOh, come on. Let’s use the wall instead.
MR. FOX(indistinct, getting louder) the ground, corrupt your files!MR. FOX moves his hand, and there is the glint of a knife.
MR. FOX As if I would do that! AMADONo, no. I only dreamed a dream.
LEIF kneels. LEIFOkay, okay. I’m on the ground. Maybe we could put the knife away now? MR. FOX Flat! And don’t move!
MR. FOXIs this some kind of a joke? Esme forbid it should be so! AMADO No, no. I only dreamed a dream.
MR. FOX I said “Don’t move!” LEIFBut I’m only breathi – (chokes off as MR. FOX wraps an arm around his throat) MR. FOX Then stop it!
MR. FOXIt is not so! Esme forbid it should be so! AMADO No, no. I only dreamed a dream.
LEIF struggles, chokes, and goes horribly, unnaturally limp. MR. FOX (panting and grunting)
[AMADO watching, horrified] MR. FOX (grunting and moaning)
MR. FOX stands, zipping his pants as he examines the body.
MR. FOXYeah, that’ll do. (tugs at LEIF’S ring) Come on... (tugs harder) Come on! (tugs, then pulls out the knife again) This should do it.
MR. FOX struggles to cut LEIF’S finger off, and stumbles when it unexpectedly comes free, dropping the finger and kicking it as he recovers. MR. FOXCorrupted files! Where is it? (takes off his mask to look)
SIRENS in the near distance. MR. FOX Censor blur!
MR. FOX manhandles LEIF into the dumpster and takes off.
MR. FOX It was not so! (catches sight of his guest’shorrified faces) It is not so! Esme forbid it should be so!
AMADOOh yeah? Then where did I get that? (throws LEIF’S finger on the table)
SCREAMS, SHOUTS, and GENERAL HYSTERIA from the GUESTS. MR. FOX Oh, woohoo. I should have looked harder.
MURAKAMESounds like a confession to me. George Fox, I’m arresting you for the murder of Leif Yeoman – MR. FOX It wasn’t like that. You’ve got it all wrong! AMADO (sighs and slumps in his chair)
GUEST #3 tugs GOLDBERG’S sleeve. GUEST #3 Does Saisai-san do parties?
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GOLDBERG’S OFFICE GOLDBERGMr. Yeoman, I’d like you to meet Amado, er... CARL Are you – Did you – Were you and Leif – ? AMADO Yeah.
CARLSo, uh, you got family round here or somethin’? AMADO Nope. CARLCoz, uh, there’s room at the farm. If there ain’t nowhere else you got to be... AMADO Growing cows?
CARLWe-ell, cowplants is kinda tricky in the soil round us. Eggplant and cucumber, mostly, but I got me a couple apple trees too. AMADO I can’t...
CARLOnly, see, if you ‘n’ Leif’d made it official first, there wouldn’ta been any question, yeah? You’d be family. And family is family. And I reckon you’re family anyhow, even if it weren’t officially official, so... AMADO Could we maybe put in some strawberries, too? CARL Well, I don’t see why not..
CARL and AMADO leave, making plans for the future. GOLDBERG watches them, then says without turning: GOLDBERGCancel my appointments for Thursday evening, will you? SILENT LADY rolls her eyes.
GOLDBERG’S MOTHER’S HOUSE, EXTERIOR, EVENING PEPPY TEEN MUSIC plays in the distance GOLDBERG Well, this is it. SILENT LADY nods. GOLDBERG Family is family, right?
SILENT LADY gives GOLDBERG an encouraging punch on the arm. GOLDBERG takes a deep breath, pastes on asmile, and walks towards the house. PEPPY TEEN MUSIC gets louder.
As SILENT LADY watches him go, she smiles. Fade up“You And Me” by Josie’s Reluctant Swain as credits roll.
NOTESYou may recognize the basic plot of this story. It’s commonly known as “The Robber Bridegroom” orsometimes “Mr. Fox.” I can’t come up with plots on my own, but this is a folktale and has been in the public domain since I don’t know when.My Sims have their own special swearing vocabulary.You can probably figure it out from context, but if you can’t, just ask. “Josie’s Reluctant Swain” is not a real band.Any custom content not advertised in the commercial breaks is listed on my LiveJournal: tag “wcif”.