How To Survive The Zombie ApocalypsePresentation Transcript
How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse This educational presentation has been brought to you by The U.S. Department of Homeland Security in cooperation with your federal, state, and local government.
From This Presentation You Will Learn:
What the so-called “Rage” virus is and how it affects those infected
How the virus is transmitted
How to recognize those who are infected
How to protect yourself and your family during this outbreak
What is the “Rage” Virus? This highly contagious virus causes extreme rage in its victims, and an overwhelming desire to attack any living creature the infected comes into contact with. The mere sight of an uninfected person or animal is enough to provoke an attack.
How is the Virus Spread?
Through contact with any bodily fluids of those infected
Biting appears to be the preferred method of spreading the virus
Although it has not been confirmed, some believe infected also spread the virus by the projectile vomiting of blood onto their intended victim
Recognizing the Infected
Extremely red eyes
Blood oozing from the mouth
Lunging for your neck in an attempt to rip out your jugular
WARNING!!! Before continuing this presentation, the DoHS would like to reiterate the grave nature of the threat we are facing. It is extremely important that citizens recognize that anyone could contract this virus at any time.
No One is Immune to Zombie Infection
Not expectant mothers . . .
Not Our Children . . .
Or the Greatest Minds of Our Time
Not Even Our Beloved Pets are Safe
Yes, Even Our Food Has Turned On Us
On a lighter note, here’s a completely unrelated Venn Diagram.
Growing Fear in the Population
As you can see from this very scientific graph, the increase in zombies is causing widespread panic in the population.
What You Need to Know
Use your head, cut off theirs!
Arming yourself and those around you is the first step in protecting yourself
Travel in groups
The more people you have watching your back, the less likely a zombie can sneak up behind it
There is no cure
Should a loved one get bitten, attempting to save them will only be a danger to yourself and the rest of your group.
During these trying times, we whole-heartedly recommend that every citizen carry some form of protection against attacking zombies
While guns are the preferred method of zombie disposal, remember that a blade never needs reloading
For those who still feel the need to accessorize even in the face of a zombie apocalypse, there are many weapons that can be color coordinated to match any ensemble.
How To Kill a Zombie
The most effective way to kill a zombie is to damage its brain tissue or sever its head
While this may seem gruesome at first, especially to the squeamish, with enough practice, it will soon become fun for the whole family!
A List of Do’s And Don'ts
Do stock up on plenty of ammunition and foodstuffs. A run to the grocery store won’t be nearly as simple as it was in the past.
Do find an easily defendable place to stay until the pandemic has come to an end. Board up any windows and entrances
Do stay in a group whenever possible.
Inspect any new people you encounter for bite marks or other signs of zombie infection
Don’t set up your base of operations in a grocery store. The many entrances and glass windows make them very hard to defend.
Don’t be the one standing around crying and screaming while the rest of the group fights zombies. Our research concludes that this is the quickest way to ensure your own death.
Don’t think you can reason with an infected. The only goal they have now is to spread the virus or to rip you limb from limb.
Flirting With Zombies=Bad Idea
Sure, she may be cute, and it may be flattering that she wants you for your mind, but in this case, that’s a bad thing.
Things To Remember
Stock up on food and weapons. An unprepared citizen is just a zombie waiting to happen.
Avoid Heavily Populated Areas
The virus will spread rapidly through cities, so avoid these as much as possible.
If you are currently in a city, evacuate as quickly as you can
Friends don’t let friends get turned into zombies.
However, be prepared to shoot your friend should he/she get infected.
Zombies are Stupid
C’mon. If we can’t outsmart these guys, maybe we deserve whatever’s coming to us.
This, Too, Shall Pass
Government scientists are working at top bureaucratic efficiency to develop a cure
Either we’ll win . . . Or they will. Either way, it will all be over eventually.
The Bright Side
Remember how hard it was to find a parking spot at Wal-Mart? Well, after this is over with you won’t have to worry about that any more!