Cartoon Courageous Conversations


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  • Cartoon Courageous Conversations

    1. 1. Courageous Conversations <ul><li>aka Difficult Conversations </li></ul><ul><li>David Richardson, Ph.D. </li></ul><ul><li>Ombudsman - Mediator </li></ul>
    2. 2. Courageous Conversations <ul><li>Most people are more comfortable with old problems than new solutions </li></ul>
    3. 3. Courageous Conversations <ul><li>are conscious exchanges that are real, meaningful and energizing </li></ul><ul><li>A face to face accountability session </li></ul>
    4. 4. Courageous Conversations <ul><li>can take you to the heart of what's most important </li></ul><ul><li>can lighten your heart and your life </li></ul><ul><li>you can know more of your dreams with each conscious conversation you choose to have </li></ul>
    5. 5. What is a 'Courageous Conversation' (CC)? <ul><ul><li>It’s the one you don't want to have. In fact, the best CC for you is probably the one you haven't even thought of having </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Take a minute now - what's the hardest conversation you can imagine having? And with whom? What is it you're holding back? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>It's also a conversation that can transform your relationships, and set you free </li></ul></ul>
    6. 6. OK - But Give Me Examples... <ul><ul><li>&quot;I've hated you for leaving me&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I'm angry at how you treat your children&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I stole $2,000 from you 20 years ago&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I'm in the country illegally, and would like to apply for legal residency&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;We've never said 'I love you' in our family, and I love you&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;Will you marry me?&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I'm not enjoying our sex life&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I had an affair five years ago&quot; </li></ul></ul>
    7. 7. OK - But Give Me Examples... <ul><ul><li>&quot;I really gave you a hard time at school/that old job - and I'm sorry&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I should have told you I have an STD before we had sex&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I'm in love with you, and am scared of threatening your marriage, but more afraid of hearing you don't love me&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I'd like to feel acknowledged for all the hard work I do&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I know I abused you sexually, and I apologize from the bottom of my heart&quot; </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I love you so much it scares me. And...I think your ears are really big and can't stop thinking about them&quot; </li></ul></ul>
    8. 8. How Do I Know I Need One? <ul><ul><li>Do you find yourself avoiding the important things you want to say to family and/or coworkers? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Are all your relationships great? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>partner </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>family </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>boss and staff </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>patients, family members </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>If they are anything less than wonderful, chances are you have something 'withheld' - that once expressed could set you both free </li></ul></ul>
    9. 9. Why Should I? <ul><ul><li>And the best clue of all: </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>You probably don't want to have the conversation, a sure sign that your system is avoiding something </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>you're afraid </li></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>of the outcome; </li></ul></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>that you'll lose something or </li></ul></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>feel VERY uncomfortable </li></ul></ul></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><ul><li>it's been more than a year, maybe even TEN YEARS, and it still comes up in your mind every now and then, or now while you're reading this </li></ul></ul></ul></ul>
    10. 10. Why Should I? <ul><ul><li>Shouldn't it be buried? Isn't the past just the past? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>if it doesn't come to your mind when you sit down to think about it - then it may be unimportant. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;I'll just move on&quot;, or </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;It's enough that I know about it&quot;, or </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>&quot;It might upset them&quot;. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>having the conversation in your head isn't having it. It's in the speaking it to them that transformation occurs for both of you. </li></ul></ul>
    11. 11. What stops us <ul><li>Afraid of the reality </li></ul><ul><li>Need to pay attention to true feelings </li></ul><ul><li>Prior attempts were unsuccessful </li></ul><ul><li>Could escalate the problem </li></ul><ul><li>Fear of rejection, feeling vulnerable </li></ul><ul><li>Loss of the relationship </li></ul>
    12. 12. What stops us <ul><li>Fear of retaliation </li></ul><ul><li>The cure could be worse than the disease </li></ul><ul><li>Possible hurt feelings </li></ul><ul><li>I might discover I am part of the problem </li></ul>
    13. 13. But if you feel… <ul><li>any stored guilt, </li></ul><ul><li>any anger, </li></ul><ul><li>any sadness, </li></ul><ul><li>any love </li></ul><ul><li>anything that is unexpressed - then maybe better out than in . </li></ul>
    14. 14. Behavior Signs <ul><li>Acting out </li></ul><ul><li>Badmouthing others </li></ul><ul><li>Gossiping </li></ul><ul><li>Feeling depressed </li></ul><ul><li>Helplessness </li></ul><ul><li>Silence </li></ul><ul><li>Making serious errors </li></ul>
    15. 15. When others avoided CC <ul><li>Multiple medical errors in health care </li></ul><ul><li>Challenger disaster </li></ul><ul><li>Air crash in Potomac river </li></ul>
    16. 16. The Effect On Others... <ul><li>It's also amazing the effect it can have on the other person. </li></ul><ul><li>Your courage can ripple out and change the world . </li></ul>
    17. 17. The Risks <ul><li>No guarantee you or they will like the results. </li></ul><ul><ul><li>the outcome may be even worse than you feared. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>CC can lead to </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You should do the math. </li></ul></ul>
    18. 18. An easy Out <ul><li>It’s not my fault </li></ul><ul><li>I couldn’t help it </li></ul><ul><li>It’s no big deal </li></ul><ul><li>I had no choice </li></ul><ul><li>No one could work with … </li></ul><ul><li>She’s an idiot </li></ul><ul><li>He is impossible </li></ul>
    19. 19. What If I don’t <ul><ul><li>The problem could escalate </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I might be rejected </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I could lose the relationship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Retaliation </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I might hurt his feelings </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I might not be prepared for the outcome </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Where have I seen these before? </li></ul></ul></ul>
    20. 20. Start with CPR to begin a CC <ul><li>Content </li></ul><ul><li>Pattern of behavior </li></ul><ul><li>Relationship </li></ul>
    21. 21. Personal Preparation <ul><li>4 Rights </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Right problem </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Right words </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Right delivery </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Right frame of mind </li></ul></ul>
    22. 22. Personal Preparation <ul><li>See the person and the problem as separate </li></ul><ul><li>Respect and acknowledge something in the person </li></ul><ul><li>Off your guard </li></ul><ul><li>Speak but… </li></ul>
    23. 23. Provide an emotional safe haven <ul><li>In the absence of safety people can’t discuss anything meaningful </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Valued and respected </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Verbals and non-verbals </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Interests and plans </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Fear of negative consequences </li></ul></ul>
    24. 24. Inquiry versus Advocacy <ul><li>Share your thinking </li></ul><ul><li>Test your assumptions </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Invite the other to do also </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Inquire into their views </li></ul><ul><li>Test their assumptions </li></ul><ul><li>Share your data </li></ul>
    25. 25. Courageous Dialogue <ul><li>Name the issue </li></ul><ul><li>Select an example </li></ul><ul><li>Describe the feeling </li></ul><ul><li>Declare the stakes </li></ul><ul><li>On your own </li></ul><ul><li>Indicate your intent </li></ul><ul><li>Invite a response </li></ul>
    26. 26. Courageous Dialogue <ul><li>Invite a response </li></ul><ul><li>Reflective listening </li></ul><ul><li>Follow through </li></ul>
    27. 27. Follow through <ul><li>When all is said and done </li></ul><ul><li>When I move you move </li></ul><ul><li>Hold me </li></ul><ul><li>Sorry is not a 4 letter word </li></ul>
    28. 28. When an apology is right <ul><li>Do I understand what hurt or offended </li></ul><ul><li>Can I own my part </li></ul><ul><li>Will I change </li></ul><ul><li>And this time I mean it </li></ul><ul><li>Is it me or do you feel better </li></ul><ul><li>…no see what happened was </li></ul>
    29. 29. Common mistakes <ul><li>So, how’s it going </li></ul><ul><li>The sandwich cookie </li></ul><ul><li>Too many pillows </li></ul><ul><li>Writing the script </li></ul><ul><li>Guerilla warfare </li></ul>
    30. 30. Common mistakes <ul><li>Doing most of the talking </li></ul><ul><li>You’re not Calgon </li></ul><ul><li>Not inquiring about feelings </li></ul><ul><li>Unclear message </li></ul><ul><li>Bypassing feedback </li></ul><ul><li>No big buts </li></ul>