Get Out of Your Own Way at Work and Help Others Do the Same with Dr. Mark Goulston ©2005 Mark Goulston
Warren Buffett’s Key to Success <ul><li>Everybody here has the ability to do anything I do and much beyond.  Some of you w...
How do you get in your own way? <ul><li>By engaging in actions that derail you from achieving your goals </li></ul><ul><li...
Take the that’s me or someone I work with quiz… (a.k.a. 7 Habits of Highly  Ineffective  People) <ul><li>That’s Me        ...
Take the “That’s me or someone I work with” quiz… (okay, you get to be a blamer, but just for a moment) <ul><li>That’s som...
Take the “If I and someone I work with stopped and overcame our SDB’s” big payoff quiz   <ul><li>If I and someone I work w...
What do… <ul><li>Bob Eckert, CEO of Mattel </li></ul><ul><li>Leonard Kleinrock, creator of the Internet </li></ul><ul><li>...
They each achieved enormous success because… <ul><li>They learned how to  get out of their own way: </li></ul><ul><li>Bob ...
What Bob Eckert learned… <ul><li>USABLE INSIGHT: When you focus on what needs to be done today and then just do it, you st...
They each achieved enormous success because… <ul><li>They learned how to  get out of their own way: </li></ul><ul><li>Leon...
What Leonard Kleinrock learned… <ul><li>USABLE INSIGHT: Set your expectations high early in your career or job.  If you re...
They each achieved enormous success because… <ul><li>They learned how to  get out of their own way: </li></ul><ul><li>Jim ...
What Jim Sinegal learned… <ul><li>USABLE INSIGHT: Don’t confuse someone trying to help you with someone trying to control ...
Why do you engage in SDB’s? <ul><li>It’s a  distress  reliever </li></ul><ul><li>Do you know the difference between stress...
SDB’s relieve Distress <ul><li>You reach for relief </li></ul><ul><li>But  you let go of your goals </li></ul>
SDB is more damaging  than you could imagine <ul><li>Competitors without SDB’s pass you by </li></ul><ul><li>Promotions an...
How do you develop SDB? <ul><li>All through life you step into the unknown </li></ul><ul><ul><li>When it goes well you fee...
Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts <ul><li>2 steps forward, 1 step back </li></ul><ul><li>Birth    First Breath </li></...
Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts <ul><li>When you fall, you feel helpless and you look back to your support system </l...
What do you see when you look back? <ul><li>Coddling   – You’re  bailed  out. </li></ul><ul><li>Criticism   – You’re  beli...
How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops Coddling Parent <ul><li>CODDLED   </li></ul><ul><li>   </li></ul><ul><li>tantrums </...
How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops Critical Parent <ul><li>CRITICISED   </li></ul><ul><li>   </li></ul><ul><li>hurt/ang...
How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops Neglectful Parent <ul><li>NEGLECTED   </li></ul><ul><li>   </li></ul><ul><li>fear </...
What would your life turn out to be… <ul><li>if you internalized your parents’  Coddling ,  Critical   or   Neglectful   r...
But what if you looked back and … <ul><li>Instead of being  Coddled ,  Criticized  or  Neglected </li></ul><ul><li>You rec...
How Successful Behavior Develops Supportive Parent <ul><li>SUPPORTED </li></ul><ul><li>   </li></ul><ul><li>confidence </...
And if you felt satisfied… <ul><li>Instead of your life being  WASTED </li></ul><ul><li>It would be… FULFILLED </li></ul>
It’s never too late to stop and overcome SDB <ul><li>R e a d y </li></ul><ul><li>A i m </li></ul><ul><li>O v e r c o m e <...
Next time you mess up… <ul><li>Take out an index card and write down: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ If I had this to do over aga...
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 1:  Pick out people you want to help </li></ul><ul><li> ...
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 2:  Tell them  you’re  trying to change. </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 3:  Pick 1- 2 SDB’s to overcome   </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 4:  Get “buy in” </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 5:   Make new behavior something you can both see </li><...
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 6:  Follow up </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 7:  Invite them to overcome  their  SDB’s </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 8:  Select additional SDB’s to overcome </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 9:  Celebrate success </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 10:  Spread the word </li></ul>
Eight Steps to Help Others  Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 1:  Pick out people you want to help </li></ul><ul><li>S...
And PERSEVERE because… <ul><li>It takes a month for a change in behavior to become a habit </li></ul><ul><li>and a minimum...
How would you like follow-up from Mark? <ul><li>   Yes, I would like an executive summary of today’s presentation </li></...
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Get Out Of Your Own Way at Work

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Want to Succeed?
Step 1 - Get Out of Your Own Way
Step 2 - Help Others Do the Same

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Get Out Of Your Own Way at Work

  1. 1. Get Out of Your Own Way at Work and Help Others Do the Same with Dr. Mark Goulston ©2005 Mark Goulston
  2. 2. Warren Buffett’s Key to Success <ul><li>Everybody here has the ability to do anything I do and much beyond. Some of you will and some of you won’t. For those who won’t, it will be because you GET IN YOUR OWN WAY not because the world doesn’t allow you. </li></ul><ul><li>- Warren Buffett </li></ul><ul><li>Speaking at the University of Washington </li></ul>
  3. 3. How do you get in your own way? <ul><li>By engaging in actions that derail you from achieving your goals </li></ul><ul><li>Those actions are Self-Defeating Behaviors (SDB) </li></ul>
  4. 4. Take the that’s me or someone I work with quiz… (a.k.a. 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective People) <ul><li>That’s Me Yes </li></ul><ul><li>Procrastinating ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Getting Defensive ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Wasting Time ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Quitting too soon ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Being unprepared ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Not listening ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Not learning from mistakes ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________ </li></ul><ul><li>% attendees (in each category): </li></ul><ul><li>Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________ </li></ul>
  5. 5. Take the “That’s me or someone I work with” quiz… (okay, you get to be a blamer, but just for a moment) <ul><li>That’s someone I work with Yes </li></ul><ul><li>Procrastinating ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Getting Defensive ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Wasting Time ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Quitting too soon ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Being unprepared ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Not listening ______ </li></ul><ul><li>Not learning from mistakes ______ </li></ul><ul><li> Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________ </li></ul><ul><li>% attendees (in each category): </li></ul><ul><li>Zero ___________ 1-3 ____________ 4 or more ___________ </li></ul>
  6. 6. Take the “If I and someone I work with stopped and overcame our SDB’s” big payoff quiz <ul><li>If I and someone I work with stopped and overcame our SDB’s: </li></ul><ul><li>Productivity would increase: </li></ul><ul><li>Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ </li></ul><ul><li>% attendees (in each category): </li></ul><ul><li>Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ </li></ul><ul><li>Job satisfaction would increase: </li></ul><ul><li>Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ </li></ul><ul><li>% attendees (in each category): </li></ul><ul><li>Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ </li></ul><ul><li>______ </li></ul><ul><li>Self-esteem would increase: </li></ul><ul><li>Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ </li></ul><ul><li>% attendees (in each category): </li></ul><ul><li>Not at all _________ Somewhat ________ Greatly __________ </li></ul>
  7. 7. What do… <ul><li>Bob Eckert, CEO of Mattel </li></ul><ul><li>Leonard Kleinrock, creator of the Internet </li></ul><ul><li>Jim Sinegal, CEO of Costco </li></ul><ul><li>Have in common? </li></ul>
  8. 8. They each achieved enormous success because… <ul><li>They learned how to get out of their own way: </li></ul><ul><li>Bob Eckert learned to NOT panic </li></ul>
  9. 9. What Bob Eckert learned… <ul><li>USABLE INSIGHT: When you focus on what needs to be done today and then just do it, you stop being afraid of what might happen tomorrow. </li></ul>
  10. 10. They each achieved enormous success because… <ul><li>They learned how to get out of their own way: </li></ul><ul><li>Leonard Kleinrock learned to NOT set his expectations too low </li></ul>
  11. 11. What Leonard Kleinrock learned… <ul><li>USABLE INSIGHT: Set your expectations high early in your career or job. If you reach them, you’ll become more confident; if you don’t, you’ll become stronger. </li></ul>
  12. 12. They each achieved enormous success because… <ul><li>They learned how to get out of their own way: </li></ul><ul><li>Jim Sinegal learned to listen instead of rebel </li></ul><ul><li> = </li></ul>
  13. 13. What Jim Sinegal learned… <ul><li>USABLE INSIGHT: Don’t confuse someone trying to help you with someone trying to control you. </li></ul>
  14. 14. Why do you engage in SDB’s? <ul><li>It’s a distress reliever </li></ul><ul><li>Do you know the difference between stress and distress? </li></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>- Stress challenges you </li></ul></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>- Distress overwhelms you </li></ul></ul></ul>
  15. 15. SDB’s relieve Distress <ul><li>You reach for relief </li></ul><ul><li>But you let go of your goals </li></ul>
  16. 16. SDB is more damaging than you could imagine <ul><li>Competitors without SDB’s pass you by </li></ul><ul><li>Promotions and pay raises pass you by </li></ul><ul><li>Team members get angry at you </li></ul><ul><li>You get angry at you </li></ul>
  17. 17. How do you develop SDB? <ul><li>All through life you step into the unknown </li></ul><ul><ul><li>When it goes well you feel powerful and invincible </li></ul></ul>
  18. 18. Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts <ul><li>2 steps forward, 1 step back </li></ul><ul><li>Birth  First Breath </li></ul><ul><li>Awake  Sleep Through Night </li></ul><ul><li>Crawling  First Step </li></ul><ul><li>Stay at Home  First Day of Pre-School </li></ul><ul><li>Elementary School  Middle School </li></ul><ul><li>Middle School  High School </li></ul><ul><li> High School  College </li></ul><ul><li> College  Career </li></ul>
  19. 19. Where Self-Defeating Behavior Starts <ul><li>When you fall, you feel helpless and you look back to your support system </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Development psychologists call it “rapprochement” (French for looking back and connecting) </li></ul></ul>
  20. 20. What do you see when you look back? <ul><li>Coddling – You’re bailed out. </li></ul><ul><li>Criticism – You’re belittled . </li></ul><ul><li>Neglect – You’re ignored . </li></ul>
  21. 21. How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops Coddling Parent <ul><li>CODDLED </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>tantrums </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>(“Do it for me”) </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Spoiled </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Compulsions </li></ul><ul><li>Y O U R A D U L T L I F E </li></ul><ul><li>LOST </li></ul>
  22. 22. How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops Critical Parent <ul><li>CRITICISED </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>hurt/anger </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>(“I’ll show you”) </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Hostile </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Blaming </li></ul><ul><li>Y O U R A D U L T L I F E </li></ul><ul><li>BITTER </li></ul>
  23. 23. How Self-Defeating Behavior Develops Neglectful Parent <ul><li>NEGLECTED </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>fear </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>(“It’ll never work”) </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Defeatist </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Avoidance </li></ul><ul><li>Y O U R A D U L T L I F E </li></ul><ul><li>EMPTY </li></ul>
  24. 24. What would your life turn out to be… <ul><li>if you internalized your parents’ Coddling , Critical or Neglectful response to you into your personality? </li></ul><ul><li>W A S T E D </li></ul>
  25. 25. But what if you looked back and … <ul><li>Instead of being Coddled , Criticized or Neglected </li></ul><ul><li>You received… </li></ul><ul><li>S U P P O R T </li></ul>
  26. 26. How Successful Behavior Develops Supportive Parent <ul><li>SUPPORTED </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>confidence </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>(“I can do it”) </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Motivated </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul><ul><li>Determination </li></ul><ul><li>Y O U R A D U L T L I F E </li></ul><ul><li>SATISFIED </li></ul>
  27. 27. And if you felt satisfied… <ul><li>Instead of your life being WASTED </li></ul><ul><li>It would be… FULFILLED </li></ul>
  28. 28. It’s never too late to stop and overcome SDB <ul><li>R e a d y </li></ul><ul><li>A i m </li></ul><ul><li>O v e r c o m e </li></ul>
  29. 29. Next time you mess up… <ul><li>Take out an index card and write down: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>“ If I had this to do over again, instead of what I did, I would have done ______. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>If I had done ________, it would have prevented these negative consequences because ___________. </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>The best way to catch myself before I engage in this SDB and then try this alternate behavior would be to ______________.” </li></ul></ul>
  30. 30. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 1: Pick out people you want to help </li></ul><ul><li> </li></ul>
  31. 31. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 2: Tell them you’re trying to change. </li></ul>
  32. 32. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 3: Pick 1- 2 SDB’s to overcome </li></ul>
  33. 33. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 4: Get “buy in” </li></ul>
  34. 34. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 5: Make new behavior something you can both see </li></ul>
  35. 35. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 6: Follow up </li></ul>
  36. 36. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 7: Invite them to overcome their SDB’s </li></ul>
  37. 37. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 8: Select additional SDB’s to overcome </li></ul>
  38. 38. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 9: Celebrate success </li></ul>
  39. 39. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 10: Spread the word </li></ul>
  40. 40. Eight Steps to Help Others Get Out of Their Own Way <ul><li>Step 1: Pick out people you want to help </li></ul><ul><li>Step 2: Tell them you’re trying to change </li></ul><ul><li>Step 3: Pick 1-2 SDB’s to overcome </li></ul><ul><li>Step 4: Get “buy in” </li></ul><ul><li>Step 5: Make new behavior something you can both see </li></ul><ul><li>Step 6: Follow up </li></ul><ul><li>Step 7: Invite them to overcome their SDB’s </li></ul><ul><li>Step 8: Select additional SDB’s to overcome </li></ul><ul><li>Step 9: Celebrate success </li></ul><ul><li>Step 10: Spread the word </li></ul>
  41. 41. And PERSEVERE because… <ul><li>It takes a month for a change in behavior to become a habit </li></ul><ul><li>and a minimum of 6 months for that habit to become part of your personality—YOUR new successful personality. </li></ul>
  42. 42. How would you like follow-up from Mark? <ul><li> Yes, I would like an executive summary of today’s presentation </li></ul><ul><li> Please add me to the “Usable Insight” of the week </li></ul><ul><li> Both of the above </li></ul><ul><li> I’d like Mark to speak with my group; please send info </li></ul><ul><li> All of the above </li></ul>

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