Negotiating Pairbonding, Romantic Love and Jealousy in Polyamorous Relationships Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

Definitions Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband Monogamy - One Spouse Does not preclude sexual fidelity Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed Loving Relationships

Polygamy - More Than One Spouse

Polygyny - More Than One Wife

Polyandry - More Than One Husband

Monogamy - One Spouse

Does not preclude sexual fidelity

Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time

Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates

Polyamory - Consensual Multiple Committed Loving Relationships

Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory Compersion loving empathy for one’s partner being loved/engaged by others New Relationship Energy (NRE) Limerence Other Significant Other (OSO) Primary, Secondary, Tertiary maintain social family hierarchy Polyfidelity sexually faithful to one’s family

Compersion

loving empathy for one’s partner being loved/engaged by others

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

Limerence

Other Significant Other (OSO)

Primary, Secondary, Tertiary

maintain social family hierarchy

Polyfidelity

sexually faithful to one’s family

Poly Configurations Open Couple Independent Single Primary and Secondary Partners Multiple Primary Partners Triad -- V or Quad Intimate Network

Open Couple

Independent Single

Primary and Secondary Partners

Multiple Primary Partners

Triad -- V or

Quad

Intimate Network

Poly Players 94.3% White Highly Educated Science Fiction Aficionados Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s) Utopian Swingers Frustrated by Monogamy Independent Idealists

94.3% White

Highly Educated

Science Fiction Aficionados

Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s)

Utopian Swingers

Frustrated by Monogamy

Independent Idealists

Poly Cultural Practices New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.” NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life. Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

New partners incorporated for novelty NOT to displace/replace long term ones

Disinterest in Western culture’s celebration of “the one.”

NRE viewed as a temporary state, not a reason to disrupt one’s home life.

Avoidance of romantic love roller coasters

Human Reproductive Strategies Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994) Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999) Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994) Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle Lover in the Wings 2-4 year Divorce Cycle Polygamy Polygyny Polyandry

Sexy Son Hypothesis (Buss, 1994)

Partible Paternity (Hrdy, 1999)

Serial Monogamy (Fisher, 1994)

Adultery-Divorce-Remarriage Cycle

Lover in the Wings

2-4 year Divorce Cycle

Polygamy

Polygyny

Polyandry

Stages of Romantic Love Lust sexual interest -- love at first sight testosterone Attraction love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE dopamine, norepinephrine Attachment stability, tranquility, peace oxytocin, vasopressin Detachment withdrawal, boredom

Lust

sexual interest -- love at first sight

testosterone

Attraction

love sick, exhilaration, infatuation, NRE

dopamine, norepinephrine

Attachment

stability, tranquility, peace

oxytocin, vasopressin

Detachment

withdrawal, boredom

Brain Chemistry Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”) obsession with details possessiveness/mate guarding High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate individuals from romantic love roller coasters. little need to be validated from the confirmation of mutual love

Romantic Love raises dopamine and norepinephrine levels

favoritism (unwavering focus on “the one”)

obsession with details

possessiveness/mate guarding

High Serotonin levels can function to inoculate individuals from romantic love roller coasters.

little need to be validated from the confirmation of mutual love

Incidence of Romantic Love A Human Universal found in nearly all non-Western societies Not a Western cultural artifact! Considered different from Sexual Lust Can be suicidal when advances are not reciprocated Subject to high levels of Jealousy

A Human Universal

found in nearly all non-Western societies

Not a Western cultural artifact!

Considered different from Sexual Lust

Can be suicidal when advances are not reciprocated

Subject to high levels of Jealousy

Pair Bonding Banned by Oneida and Kerista Focused on group love Starling brothers and sisters Discouraged investment in NRE

Banned by Oneida and Kerista

Focused on group love

Starling brothers and sisters

Discouraged investment in NRE

Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? Its very possible to be in lust with many partners Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners The attraction phase may be largely a mono-experience Rare instances of falling in love with a couple

Its very possible to be in lust with many partners

Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners

The attraction phase may be largely a mono-experience

Rare instances of falling in love with a couple

Sex-Love Jealousy Biological Roots males fear being deceived into raising a child that is not biologically theirs. Cultural Roots may be largely a product of cultural learning, being barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans Economic Roots females fear that their partner’s time, energy and resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.

Biological Roots

males fear being deceived into raising a child that is not biologically theirs.

Cultural Roots

may be largely a product of cultural learning, being barely present amongst the Inuit, Marquesans and Keristans

Economic Roots

females fear that their partner’s time, energy and resources will be directed outside of their home and their children.

Kinds of Jealousy Possessive Jealousy Exclusion Jealousy feeling left out, deprived of time/attention Competition Jealousy feeling inadequate comparing oneself Ego Jealousy feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover Fear Jealousy anxiety that partner will leave permanently

Possessive Jealousy

Exclusion Jealousy

feeling left out, deprived of time/attention

Competition Jealousy

feeling inadequate comparing oneself

Ego Jealousy

feeling others will judge them as inadequate for sharing a lover

Fear Jealousy

anxiety that partner will leave permanently

Jealousy and Monogamy Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or “true” love. Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement is feared

Jealousy is seen as a sign of intense or “true” love.

Financial penalties for divorce reflect economic and domestic possessiveness

Jealousy occurs when displacement or replacement is feared

Jealousy and Polygyny Occurs when resources can be divided unevenly Can happen when visiting times are unequal Can arise when favoritism is suspected Can occur when it is not chosen by the wives switching from monogamy to polygyny co-wives that don’t get along

Occurs when resources can be divided unevenly

Can happen when visiting times are unequal

Can arise when favoritism is suspected

Can occur when it is not chosen by the wives

switching from monogamy to polygyny

co-wives that don’t get along

Ways Swinging Limits Jealousy Taste but Don’t Surrender No elaborate Seduction Limited Sharing Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy Safer Sex Viral and Emotional Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players

Taste but Don’t Surrender

No elaborate Seduction

Limited Sharing

Preserve Social/Legal Monogamy

Safer Sex

Viral and Emotional

Avoid Engaging Highly Attractive Players

Polyamory and Jealousy It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing) Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol) You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)

It requires personal growth to transform into no longer being jealous (Nearing)

Polyamory is a more advanced form of relationship for those prepared to evolve beyond monogamy (Anapol)

You can change the way you experience jealousy (Easton & Liszt)

Polyamory and Jealousy Study 229 questionnaires received 140 questionnaires evaluated focussed on those that engaged in poly style dating swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures.

229 questionnaires received

140 questionnaires evaluated

focussed on those that engaged in poly style dating

swingers who just engage others as a couple at sex parties were not included

created an11-point compersion index drawing from six compersion measures.

Research Objectives Gather information on how poly people construct their social, emotional and sexual lives Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness

Gather information on how poly people construct their social, emotional and sexual lives

Explore ways poly people address/ resolve jealousy provoking situations

Evaluate social and behavioral factors that might predict compersiveness

Data Limitations Filling out a questionnaire over a 15-minute period of time offers only a brief emotional snap shot Most participants were ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index) Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”

Filling out a questionnaire over a 15-minute period of time offers only a brief emotional snap shot

Most participants were ideologically inclined towards the logic of polyamory (re: Compersion Index)

Questionnaire most coherent to those living as an “open couple.”

Overview 58 males 82 females Peak Baby Boomers male median age -- 45 female median age -- 43

58 males

82 females

Peak Baby Boomers

male median age -- 45

female median age -- 43

Compersion Measures Watching a partner being sexual with someone else Being Watched by One’s Partner… Feelings about partner spending the night with other lovers What happens when partner returns… Impact of poly dating on home relationship Change relationship agreements?

Watching a partner being sexual with someone else

Being Watched by One’s Partner…

Feelings about partner spending the night with other lovers

What happens when partner returns…

Impact of poly dating on home relationship

Change relationship agreements?

Compersion Index 11 point scale Median 9.12 Only 7.9% less then 7. Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in this survey

11 point scale

Median 9.12

Only 7.9% less then 7.

Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in this survey

Survey Conclusions Prior social, emotional and sexual independence did not preclude successful adaptation to polyamory Over 70% reported that practicing polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner Upwards of 90% contended that being poly had afforded them a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.

Prior social, emotional and sexual independence did not preclude successful adaptation to polyamory

Over 70% reported that practicing polyamory had increased their self-esteem and their love for their home partner

Upwards of 90% contended that being poly had afforded them a better perspective both on themselves and on their partners.

Statistically Significant Correlations Males more compersive than females greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally embrace poly ideology Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently more substantial inner life

Males more compersive than females

greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance

Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally

embrace poly ideology

Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently

more substantial inner life

Actualizing Compersion / Negotiating Jealousy Developed Inner Life masturbation, spirituality, meditation Full Plate Life busy with work, family, lovers Extended Family of Choice Believe in Poly Ideology Celebrate Starling Relationships There is not just one “one” High Serotonin Uptake Fears of Loss not actualized. New loves did not displace/replace partners

Developed Inner Life

masturbation, spirituality, meditation

Full Plate Life

busy with work, family, lovers

Extended Family of Choice

Believe in Poly Ideology

Celebrate Starling Relationships

There is not just one “one”

High Serotonin Uptake

Fears of Loss not actualized.

New loves did not displace/replace partners

The Polyamory Blur Limit NRE elevating experiences Reduces emotional spectrum Embrace Compersive Thinking Tolerate partners’ other loves Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow motion. Averts dramatic breakups / divorce Engage in “Polyarmory” Control partners’ activities Avoid non-poly romantic engagements

Limit NRE elevating experiences

Reduces emotional spectrum

Embrace Compersive Thinking

Tolerate partners’ other loves

Serial Monogamy may be practiced in slow motion.

Averts dramatic breakups / divorce

Engage in “Polyarmory”

Control partners’ activities

Avoid non-poly romantic engagements