Keep hands-off-my-penis


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Keep hands-off-my-penis

  1. 1. Keep Your Hands Off My Penis! By Dr. Celestial Bawdy Reporting from WashingtonJoe Schmutz Jr, Fist Master and President of the APA (American Penis association) todaywarned Congress, the President, and the American People to halt their efforts to set controls onthe use of penises in America. “The right of every man to full use of his penis is guaranteedunder the constitution,” he argued. “The penis is as American as apple pie. Any effort to restrainits use is nothing short of treason.” If you want to curb, indiscriminate use of the penis, start withHollywood or porn on the internet. But hands off my penis!”Proponents of penis control disputed the assertion. As Emily Castrato, President of “A Worldfree of Penises” noted, “We are not talking about banning penises completely, but putting inplace some reasonable restrictions that would provide a line of defense against gang bangs,rapes, and men making unreasonable demands on women—what goes beyond what most peopleconsider reasonable use of the organ.”“From time immemorial the single shot penis has been traditional. Women have long acceptedthis as the norm. The semi-automatic penis has no place in the world of relationships. Penisesthat don’t need reloading aren’t meant for loving or sport. They are specifically designed to do asmuch damage as possible to the human body. No one really needs or wants an erection that lastmore than four hours.”The agenda of the penis control lobby also insists that every penis be registered and carefulrecords kept, arguing how there are certain people, namely felons and those with mental illness,who should not be allowed access to their penis, and should not be allowed to purchaseperformance enhancing drugs.
  2. 2. The case was cogently set forth by Carolyn Clitoriski, Chairwoman of “Penis Propriety:” “Werequire people to take three tests to get a driver’s license, so I’m not sure why increased scrutinyfor use of one’s penis is so controversial. Don’t we want to keep penises out of the hands of thementally ill and those with criminal records? Don’t we want a system that makes it as easy aspossible for pharmacists to identify these classes of individuals to deny them semi-automaticcapability by outlawing or placing curbs on sales of testosterone and drugs such as Viagara?.Pumped up men and penises have no place in this world, said she. Look at what they havebrought in their wake.”This was disputed by Schmutz, who stood at the mike screaming at a recent press conference,brandishing a bouquet of dildos in his fist: “It’s nothing but penis envy. Sissies and women—that’s who are arrayed against us. Remember, we are more than just a bunch of random pricks..We truly stand for something. We are America’s manhood. Without us there would be no Iraqs,no Afghanistans—no Monday night football. The penis is at the heart of our nation’s greatness.Do not forget that for a moment.“Taking my penis is the first step to taking away my freedom. Just try! “You can have my penis,but you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.” Enjoy this article? Dont stop now. Theres lots more awaiting you. Run, dont walk to