Sexual ResearchDirectly from the desk of Dr. Celestial Bawdy“Who the hell is Dr Bawdy,” you might ask?Are you one of the few who don’t know who Dr. Bawdy is? After takinga moment to recover from your embarrassment, read on.Dr. Celestial Bawdy, DFA, PHC, BO, LSMFT, is an esteemed scientistof human behavior who mysteriously vanished more than 150 years ago,and, after a brief sojourn in the nethersphere, suddenly reappeared onearth to share his life’s work with archivist and historian LawrenceParos.Dr. Bawdy is here to serve you—to help guide you through the shoals ofignorance surrounding the issue of sex and enable you to better understandwhats happening, sexually speaking in today’s culture. You can find more http://bawdylanguage.com/blog
The Gospel According to Dr. Bawdy The Jesus no one knows: Husband, Father, and LoverSh-hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!… Dont tell anyone! Its between You, Me, and the crucifix.
The Jesus no one knows: Introduction Dr. Bawdy historical finding. Jesus, a married man and to Mary Magdalene no less! Could it be?During a recent archeological dig, I chanced on an ancientdumpster. At the very bottom, I found nestled between a moldyham and cheese sandwich and a ravaged condom—threerectangular pieces of faded papyri, each no more than 10centimeters in length.Drawing on my vast linguistic storehouse, I quickly determined that what I had found was fourthcentury Coptic. Hours of laborious translation revealed the eight lines of the first in black ink tobe a partial shopping list: “Pistachios, fruit, toilet paper, and milk,” it read. “Make sure not toforget the milk.” It was signed: “To Jesus, from his loving wife and truest disciple.” Hugs andkisses, Mary M. XXX.Could it be? Jesus, a married man and to Mary Magdalene no less! My findings set off afirestorm amongst the church fathers. Traditionalists disputed the authenticity of the papyrus andits provenance. Professor Sidney Icon, holder of the Chaste chair of Divinity at the All-Christseminary in Poughkeepsie called the find “a cheap fake intended by Bawdy to simply promotehis blog.”The Reverend Chutney Chilworth, director of New York University’s Institute for the Study ofAncient Crap, however, championed my position, declaring the papyrus to be the find of acentury and its meaning unambiguous. He told the Times, “It’s hard to construct a scenario thatis at all plausible in which someone fakes something like this. The world is not really crawlingwith crooked papyrologists.”You may have heard of the so-called Apocryphal gospels – these were the ones churchauthorities later decided were not authentic enough to include in the Bible – because theycontained woman-friendly reference. They include the gospel of Thomas, and the Gnostic,heretical, gospel of Philip, discovered at Nag Hammadi in Egypt in 1945 – written in Coptic inthe fourth century, both of which hinted at a Jesus marriage.Add to the list, the Gospel According to Bawdy.The second papyrus revealed the details of the Jesus relationship with women and with his ownsexuality: Everything you always wanted to know about Jesus, The Man, The Father, The Lover.
The Jesus no one knows: In the BeginningMary and Jesus first met at a Hillel House Mixer around Succoth. The other young people therewere imbibing rather heavily in Manischewitz. Jesus sat alone in a corner sipping seltzer. He wasthe quiet one there. Mary M always had a soft spot for cool, earthy types. And he surely wasone—long hair, sandals, and that certain je ne c’est quoi of one who hadn’t bathed for weeks.Unlike a lot of the other Jewish boys, he was also good with his hands. Came from a long line ofcarpenters, you know. They hit it off from the start.Mary was “a good time girl,” liked to sleep around and get paid for it. No big deal—nothingmore than just a trick. Here a trick, there a trick, everywhere a trick-trick. You might find it moreacceptable, if you just think of a trick as a minor miracle of sorts. It will also helps you to betterunderstand Jesus’ attraction to her.Jesus was immediately taken with her unique talents. Her reputation preceded her. Connoisseursraved how she gave best hand job West of Galilee. You may have heard of the last temptation.Well, Mary M was the first.In addition to Mary, Jesus was also taken with her associates. It seems he had this thing for badgirls, and dedicated lots of hours to helping Mary M and her colleagues get organized, fightingalongside them for better working hours and better conditions. And they, in turn, helped organizeon his behalf.
The Jesus no one knows: Going SteadyTheir courtship was short but sweet. We have accounts of Jesus kissing Mary—which didn’t sitto well with Jesus’ buddies who were jealous of the attention paid her. A few, however, stood byhis choice. The second-century gospel of St Mary quotes a disciple called Levi having told Peter:“If the Savior made her worthy, who are you to reject her? Certainly the Savior knows her verywell. That is why he loved her more than us.” Hey, a guy’s gotta do , what a guy’s gotta do.As to accusations of having fornicated with Mary M, Jesus initially denied them vigorously “Idid not have sex with that woman!” he proclaimed indignantly. He did, after all, have a publicimage to uphold. Thanks to his legal team, he also had a great definition of “sex.”Eventually though, push came to shove, and Jesus succumbed to Mary M’s blandishments. Itwasn’t easy however. Jesus was, shall we say, somewhat “confused” about what was happening.If the truth be known, Jesus was not totally at home with his sexuality. That’s perfectlyunderstandable, given his parentage. Everything he knew about sex he had picked up from hisfoster father, Joseph. And that, alas, wasn’t much.
When Jesus pressed Joseph for the details of his own birth, the best he could get was a mumbledand somewhat cryptic “Heaven only knows.”Though he and Mary M finally succeeded at carnal relations, he was pretty clumsy at it and overtime grew frustrated holding himself to blame as when he spilled his seed on the ground, takinghimself to task afterwards and screaming to the heavens, “What should Jesus do?” Mary couldonly wonder would he ever? The Jesus no one knows: Settling into MarriageSex be hanged, they joined in holy matrimony; for what good reason? God only knows.And so, like all normal couples, they settled into the routine of a day to day relationship. He tookout the garbage; drove the kids to soccer practice. And like all couples, they argued over smallthings. He squeezed the toothpaste out the wrong (insisting all the time, he had the capabilities toreturn it to the tube), and pulled the blanket away from her at night.
He shopped for her and the kids, but had this thing about bread, always bringing home enough tofeed the entire village. He loved her cooking, especially her meatloaf. But of all the meals, it wasbreakfast he loved most.Certain of his habits particularly riled her. How was it she wondered that he could raise othersfrom the dead, but could never lower the toilet seat. He, in turn, was annoyed when she took herwork home with her.As with most married couples, over time, sex became a mundane and infrequently practicedprocedure. They had sex on the Sabbath and every Passover (That night being different than allothers), after which she said, “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” Passover however cameonly once a year. Jesus, regretably, had other fish to fry.As a good family man and father, Jesus loved children—not only his own but his neighbors aswell. He frequently said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them.” Manyconsidered it rather strange that a thirty-something long-haired dude had such a thing about kids.But that’s Jesus for you. Whatta guy!
It was on this rock, he would build his church. And it would be this same love of children whichwould help establish a long and cherished history of pederasty within the Catholic Church. The Jesus no one knows: The Marital ChasmThe seventh year of their marriage, Jesus developed a severe itch, began spending less and lesstime at home, and going out evenings with the guys. He headed up a rock group called the“Disciples,” surrounded by fawning devotees and dogged by groupies attracted to his mystique.Mary M meanwhile sat at alone with the kids at home, lonely and despairing, forced to take inwork at home to support the family—left desolate and wondering would Jesus ever return to herand the kids.
And that, dear reader is where the second papyrus leaves off—the fate of their marriage hangingin the balance. It is left to our imagination to consider the outcome.PSOh yes, as Jesus rose again, so did Mary M in what some called a total makeover.
Jesus Top Ten Sexual Miracles1. He causeth testosterone to rain down from the heavens2. He maketh foot fetishes au rigeur3. He causeth an undescended testicle to ascend back into the scrotumAnnual Celebration of that event
4. He causeth a flat-chested woman to blossom fully into a C ( for Christ) cupcausing the young men of the village to hardenth5.He raiseth Lazarus’ penis from the dead6. He restoreth the sight of young men blinded from masturbation and as anadded bonus, returned the motion to their wrists.
7. He melteth a frigid woman and then walketh upon her still waters, rescuingher husband from her unbridled passion8. He maketh the limp handshake fashionable in the Gay community9. He createth the Second Coming
10.He causeth women everywhere to call upon him at special moments Enjoy this Dr. Bawdy research? Dont stop now. Theres lots more awaiting you. Run, dont walk to www.bawdylanguage.com