Table of ContentsI.     Introduction                                VI.     StardomII.    The Early Years                 ...
Dr. Celestial Bawdy: His Life and Times   I.     IntroductionI have long been enamored with excavating from the dust-bin o...
Larger than life, this charismatic figure has generated dozens of conflicting stories, makingit difficult to separate fact...
II.     The Early YearsBirthCelestial Bawdy was born on May 27, 1835 in Herringbone-by-the-Sea. He was the son ofthe Rev. ...
Parental StrugglesInitially, Vicar Bawdy refused to acknowledge responsibility for the fruits of his virile loins.After mu...
The couple would go on to have three additional children, Hope (1837-1872), Charity(1839–1891), and Hyperbole (1841–1888) ...
A playful and creative lad, Celestial would often form them into unique shapes and thenbake them in the hot sun. Many of t...
Reverend BawdyBawdy’s father, the Reverend Clive, was no ordinary churchman. Many considered him arenegade cleric and “fre...
Reverend Bawdy’s sermons were a veritable Saturday Night Live on Sunday morning: apolished stand-up routine, colorful tale...
First AwakeningOne day while probing the basement of their home, Celestial chanced upon a bundle of oldcopies of Sunny Sid...
Psychological ScarringCoincidentally, the most traumatic incident of his youth occurred shortly thereafter, whenone evenin...
III. The Middle YearsEducationAt age ten, his parents enrolled him in the local parochial school, Our Lady of the Strained...
While his math skills devolved to a new low, his manhood attained new and hithertounknown heights with each lashing.After ...
IV.    Young AdulthoodOut Into the WorldAfter spending the next two years living at home, Celestial decided that he wanted...
The War YearsIn 1853, his apprenticeship with Dr. Scissorhands abruptly ended. The war in the Crimeawas waging, and its se...
There he was tended to by an angel of mercy, a certain Ms. Nightingale, who cared for hiswounds, joining kind words with a...
The SecretBawdy had left the battlefield with a dirty little secret. Little did his nurse or anyone elseknow, that in a pe...
V.      EmergenceReturn HomeUpon his release from service, Bawdy studied the head for nights on end, complimentinghis effo...
His efforts culminated in November 1861 with his best selling Getting and Giving Head: TheHistory and Conversion of an Ant...
Self-Help GuruBawdy’s writings reverberated far outside the scientific community. His was a uniquetalent: the ability to b...
VI.     StardomPublications GaloreBawdy was prolific. His books dominated the marketplace—one blockbuster after another.Ta...
View from the TopHe was now a major celebrity. It became fashionable to invite him to dinner parties andgala affairs where...
Multi-Talented and Much-AttributedBawdy, however, stood above it all. He was, in every sense of the phrase, “a Renaissance...
VII. Turning PointExit Mother ClaireThese were the salad years, 1860—1885. Bawdy was now at the peak of his profession and...
Enter VioletIn his search for solace, Bawdy turned away, however, from his society high fliers and hiscoterie of coquettes...
The Secret DiaryThe most comprehensive account of their initial intimacies can be found in Bawdy’s diarywhich now resides ...
The Inside Story   “I shall never forget our first night together.” “We repaired to bed and after a few respectful   momen...
I realized now that for too long I had been in error in my search for man’s essence. I rejected my    lifelong efforts in ...
VII. Demise and FallStruggling for RecognitionAs the depth and breadth of his scholarship in his new chosen field expanded...
Financial RuinAs fate would have it, Bawdy was now bereft of a platform for his ideas. He was forcedunderground—driven to ...
HumiliationThe final coup de grace occurred in June of that year when he engaged in a very publicargument with her majesty...
Bawdy was now fully anathema to proper society. His friends deserted him, seekingfriends in higher places. He and Violet s...
VIII. The VanishingAs Bawdy deteriorated, his last few friends moved him to Wickham, Hampshire, for thesake of his health....
IX.       First Glimmers of RecognitionRediscoveryFor the next century, Celestial Bawdy disappeared from the national cons...
There he unearthed the documentation which resonated for him personally. Here, hethought to himself, was the hero that Bri...
Dr. Bawdy had once more assumed his position in the pantheon of the greats.No one was more deserving of the adoration whic...
“How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”“You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty we...
Dr. Bawdy, his life and times
Upcoming SlideShare
Loading in …5
×

Dr. Bawdy, his life and times

245
-1

Published on

Dr. Bawdy, his life and times. Dr. Celestial Bawdy is the world's foremost authority on sex—says he. Keep up to date on his latest news, research and advice --> www.bawdylanguage.com

0 Comments
0 Likes
Statistics
Notes
  • Be the first to comment

  • Be the first to like this

No Downloads
Views
Total Views
245
On Slideshare
0
From Embeds
0
Number of Embeds
0
Actions
Shares
0
Downloads
5
Comments
0
Likes
0
Embeds 0
No embeds

No notes for slide

Dr. Bawdy, his life and times

  1. 1. Table of ContentsI. Introduction VI. StardomII. The Early Years Publications Galore Birth View from the Top Parental Struggles Multi-Talents and Multi- Toddlerhood Tributes Reverend Bawdy Problems VII. Turning Point First Awakening Psychological Scarring Exit Mother Claire Enter Violet The Inside StoryIII. The Middle Years The Road Less Traveled Education VIII. Demise and FallIV. Young Adulthood Struggling for Recognition Out into the World Financial Ruin The War Years Humiliation The Secret BrokenV. Emergence IX. The Vanishing Return Home Prominent Scientist X. Glimmers of Recognition Self-help Guru Rediscovery Resurrection Footnote to History
  2. 2. Dr. Celestial Bawdy: His Life and Times I. IntroductionI have long been enamored with excavating from the dust-bin of history, individuals whoshaped the course of human events but who, for the most part, have been relegated toobscurity. Such a giant was Dr. Celestial Bawdy (1835-?).I first stumbled on the good Doctor during my sojourn in the hallowed halls of ivy, on awarm summer’s evening, while imbibing beverages with my fraternity colleagues. In theflow of conversation, a fellow Skull and Bonesman happened to mention Bawdy’s name inconjunction with a dirty joke—half mockingly, half in reverence. When I requested moreinformation, he quietly demurred, mumbled something about having to leave, and abruptlyrose from the table. Others soon followed.I sat there alone—my curiosity piqued. Who was Dr. Bawdy? Why had mere mention of hisname caused such discomfort and embarrassment? I longed to know more. This set me offon a life-long search for Dr. Bawdy.Even today, few know of him, and those who have are divided as to his character. Almosttwo centuries after his disappearance, his name remains obscured by an aura of intrigueand controversy. He is truly a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma—or as thosein the sex industry know him—a true condom.
  3. 3. Larger than life, this charismatic figure has generated dozens of conflicting stories, makingit difficult to separate fact from fantasy. Was he an imposter and fraud; a valiant and muchdecorated hero in the Crimean War or a renegade sharpshooter; a brilliant scientist orquack; a charming ladies’ man or sex addict; a towering 19th century philosopher or totalnut case?Of one thing we can be certain: Bawdy has had an immeasurable impact on modernthought and behavior through his reconstruction of the English language. He is at once thefather of the sexual revolution and the patron saint of dirty talk. Without him, we wouldstill be expressing our sexual urges with snorts and grunts. Comedians everywhere wouldbe forced to earn their laughs on humor alone. He is a linguistic genius to whom we shouldall be grateful. What follows is the result of years of research—a testament to his truegenius. This is the story behind the story, behind the man —Dr. Lawrence Paros
  4. 4. II. The Early YearsBirthCelestial Bawdy was born on May 27, 1835 in Herringbone-by-the-Sea. He was the son ofthe Rev. Clive Bawdy, the life-long vicar of Thirkleby, Yorks and Claire Strumpet, a scullerymaid at the village tavern, The Cock Inn.The site of his conception was the kitchen table at the tavern. It was there that ReverendBawdy and Claire consummated their consenting adult relationship amidst the clutter ofthe breakfast dishes, the stench of week-old beef stew, and the clatter of unwashed potsand pans. Passion, however, triumphed over hygiene, and the sex was even filthier than thetable on which it took place. A plaque commemorating the occasion today hangs long andproud on the front door of the tavern which has since become a Mecca for touristsworldwide. The Cock Inn TodaySome nine months later, “Young Mr. C.” as his Nanny called him, first saw the light of dayfrom a stall at the local livery stable. According to a local scribe, it was a dark night, but themoon and the stars shone brightly, inspiring his name “Celestial.” Present at the occasionwere only his mother, a midwife, known only as “Sympathy,” and a young stallion named“Studley.” His father was home in his study preparing the Sunday sermon.
  5. 5. Parental StrugglesInitially, Vicar Bawdy refused to acknowledge responsibility for the fruits of his virile loins.After much soul searching and acknowledging how good the sex had been, he agreed totread the honorable path, taking Claire as his wife. Having thus committed himself, he tookher five times a week thereafter.Their marital union, however, was controversial because of Claire’s lower-class upbringing,and unions such as this were considered socially taboo in early 19th century Britishsociety. Celestial as an infant with his Mother, ClaireClaire had also attained a certain notoriety in the village for her predilection for amorousdalliances and freely bestowing her favors. She had what was then called a “reputation,”and popularly referred to by such soubriquets as “the public ledger,” “with hundreds ofentries,” and “the town haberdasher, fitting heads of all sizes and shapes.”The Herring Bone Herald kept a running account of her exploits in the sports section,celebrating her every liaison, with the headline, “Record broken!”Reputations be damned, her marriage to Clive marked a new start for Claire, wiping cleanthese black marks on her character as she segued into the role of loving wife and mother.
  6. 6. The couple would go on to have three additional children, Hope (1837-1872), Charity(1839–1891), and Hyperbole (1841–1888) .. Bawdy HomeToddlerhoodCelestial went through the ordinary pangs of toddlerhood: nail biting, thumb sucking, hairtwirling, and nose picking. He also showed a quick interest in toilet training, taking to itwith a vengeance. It took little urging from Mother Bawdy to accustom him to regular useof the potty, in the course of which he quickly became fascinated with his own feces. Celestial at 1-3 years of age
  7. 7. A playful and creative lad, Celestial would often form them into unique shapes and thenbake them in the hot sun. Many of the neighbors were taken with his precocious artistry;others simply held their nose as they went by.Celestial showed little interest in other children his own age; the only eventful occurrencecame when he pulled down the panties of a neighbor girl and sat her naked butt squaredown in a mud puddle. There was something about her dirty little ass which amused himgreatly—though he could not quite put his finger on it.Beside the neighbor girl, his other favorite toys were his butcher shop and his doll,“Grimace,” which he slept with and perpetually kept close by. Grimace Toy Butcher Shop Courtesy of the Bawdy Museum
  8. 8. Reverend BawdyBawdy’s father, the Reverend Clive, was no ordinary churchman. Many considered him arenegade cleric and “freethinker.” He proclaimed himself unshackled by Church doctrine,and answered to no one—save God. Reverend Clive BawdyAt the time of Celestial’s birth, he suffered a severe mental breakdown (alas, the trauma offatherhood has been known to do that for some). Somewhat eccentric behavior followed.He was given to bathe fully clothed in the local pond, after which he would shed hisgarments and parade about naked through the town square. Other times he would fill hispockets (on those occasions when he left his pants on) with snakes and insects which hehad collected, comingling them with leftovers from previous meals. Arming himself with asaw and axe, he would arbitrarily attack trees or fences marring his view. Anytownspersons who dared show umbrage at his actions would be chased after by theweapon-brandishing Bawdy, screaming excerpts from the Old Testament at them.A few local citizens considered his actions a threat to law and order. His parishioners,however, viewed his idiosyncrasies with reverence, and flocked in huge numbers to his services.
  9. 9. Reverend Bawdy’s sermons were a veritable Saturday Night Live on Sunday morning: apolished stand-up routine, colorful tales of hells’ fire and damnation, ad hoc histrionics,partial nudity, and an organ accompaniment by Mother Bawdy that rocked the house.The entire congregation waited with bated breath each Sunday for the highlight of eachsermon—that moment when the Good Reverend shook the church rafters with athunderous breaking of wind to punctuate a particularly dramatic point.ProblemsThe Right Reverend was a big hit—no doubt about it. Each Sunday, “Standing Room Only”signs adorned the trees outside the church, long crowds circling round the block. Reverend Bawdy’s Church of DyspepiaYoung Mr. Bawdy, however, was deeply troubled by his father’s eccentricities. WhenCelestial asked his mother if there was something wrong with him, she simply replied: “It’sonly your father being himself.” This was of little help. Other children often mockedCelestial about his father’s strange behavior. He struggled to find the right words torespond, but they never came . This marked the beginning of a life-long effort to expressthe inexpressible. Words were becoming a priority in his life—even over sticks and stones.
  10. 10. First AwakeningOne day while probing the basement of their home, Celestial chanced upon a bundle of oldcopies of Sunny Side Up (the British nudist publication which arrived monthly at thevicarage in a plain brown paper wrapper) stacked stealthily away in a corner. Celestial, age 9He undid the strings and unloosed a magazine from the top, holding a single tattered copyin his hot little hands. Suddenly he was awash in a sea of sensuous sepia as his eyes dartedrapidly from picture to picture of middle-aged Britons in the buff at the seashore. Hisbreath came in strange short pants, his face reddened, and strange sensations began to stirin the nether regions of his groin.This was the first time he had ever seen an adult naked body. “These bodies are cool,” hethought, “even though they have rather strange and wrinkly things hanging from them.”
  11. 11. Psychological ScarringCoincidentally, the most traumatic incident of his youth occurred shortly thereafter, whenone evening he chanced on his mother and father making the beast with two backs. “Whywere they thrashing about in so violent a manner?” he asked himself. “What could theyhave been doing?”When he later asked his father the same question, he received a sharp cuff to the ear for histroubles and was sent to his room. “Why could this not be talked about? It certainlysounded important, and maybe even fun!” He asked himself. It was then that he first feltthe urge to properly describe what his eyes had seen. “Someday,” he avowed, “I will speakand write about such matters.” But for now, there were no words. A childhood scribbling wasthe best he could do in his efforts to capture that moment. Celestial’s rendition of the Beast with Two Backs Courtesy of the Bawdy Museum
  12. 12. III. The Middle YearsEducationAt age ten, his parents enrolled him in the local parochial school, Our Lady of the StrainedTendon. There he came under the tutelage of a certain mathematics teacher, Sister PeterCleavage, with whom he formed an intimate teacher-student relationship.It began innocently enough when she kept him after school one day for not standing toanswer a question. It was one of those awkward teenage moments when his organ, not he, wasin good standing.Matters concluded when she successfully aroused him in the ante chamber of the chapel—under the approving gaze of the Virgin Mother—artfully applying several hard switchesacross his bare arse for failing to properly master the multiplication tables. Alas, he neverquite got it. He properly learned to subtract his trousers; divided his time well betweenafter school play and the Sister’s tutorials; yet his problems in multiplication just continuedto add up.So taken was Sister Cleavage with the errors of his ways, she continued in this manner therest of the school year, and the next, and the one after that, disciplining him thusly on aregular basis—a source of both confusion and pleasure to him. Sister Peter Cleavage Celestial, Middle School Lad
  13. 13. While his math skills devolved to a new low, his manhood attained new and hithertounknown heights with each lashing.After each delicious beating, young Celestial coped unsuccessfully trying to understandwhat had just happened as he lay in bed reviewing his math. He renewed his pledge to oneday find the right words to describe what had he had experienced.His classmates called it “sex.” What was it about words and this thing called “sex?” Whydid people talk about it only in whispers—if at all? Why was it so hard to find the rightwords to describe it?Celestial stayed at school until age 13 when he completed his course of study, passing mostof his exams and meeting Sister Peter Cleavage’s exacting standards, though at the time ofhis departure he still had trouble with his nine tables.
  14. 14. IV. Young AdulthoodOut Into the WorldAfter spending the next two years living at home, Celestial decided that he wanted tobecome a doctor. He had been called to the profession by a local wench who introducedhim to the game in his father’s barn.His prowess at playing doctor, in fact, had attained such prominence that all the local lasseswere soon beating a path to the barn where he had set up his practice. It wasn’t long beforehe began charging for consultations. Charge he did, yet they continued to come. Celestialhad found his life’s work—and his bliss. Despite Celestial’s emerging prowess, his fatherargued against medicine as a career, insisting he become a solicitor instead. Aspiring Physician, Dr. BawdyIgnoring his father’s entreaties, in 1850 the young Dr. Bawdy packed all his belongings intoan old kit bag and surreptitiously left home in the dark of night. From there he travelled toOverton-on-Dee in South Wales, where he became an apprentice to Dr. Evan Scissorhands,a member of the college of surgeons and a cut above the rest.Though his father refused to supply him with the necessary financial support, he receivedmoney for his tuition from various family members, especially Uncle Boris who served asChancellor of the Exchequer, a member of the Board of Barclay’s, and a seat-holder on theLondon Stock Exchange.
  15. 15. The War YearsIn 1853, his apprenticeship with Dr. Scissorhands abruptly ended. The war in the Crimeawas waging, and its seductive call beckoned Bawdy to duty on behalf of crown and country.He enlisted in her majesty’s First Royal Dragoons (now the Blues and Greys) and didexemplary service both at Balaclava and Sevastopol. He was wounded in battle, taking abullet to the groin which, according to Bawdy, occurred while staunchly defending hisposition and protecting his cohorts. His valor was celebrated by Arthur Lord Tennysonwhose interview with Bawdy, inspired a great poem of tribute. Bawdy at BalaclavaA fellow soldier, a certain Master Sergeant Snodgrass, however, disputed Bawdy’s account,saying he had merely tripped over his rifle, inadvertently sending a bullet into his groinwhile engaged in an act of self-abuse.Regardless of the circumstances, in recognition of the occasion—Bawdy received theVictorian Cross and Distinguished Service Medal while he spent the next year rehabilitatingat an Army hospital in the Crimea.
  16. 16. There he was tended to by an angel of mercy, a certain Ms. Nightingale, who cared for hiswounds, joining kind words with a healing vertical motion. Slowly but ever so surely, hebegan to recover the feeling in his groin, and his spirits (which is what he liked to callthem) soared. Nurse F. NightingaleBawdy was ever grateful for the ministrations of his nurse and the hand she played in hisrecovery, taking time later to record the words which best described her healing strokes.He wrote them on scraps of paper which he then stuffed into his pockets. These tiny hand-scribbled notes would eventually become part of the Bawdy heritage. Scribbled Notes on Nurse Nightingale’s Hand Job Courtesy of the Bawdy Museum
  17. 17. The SecretBawdy had left the battlefield with a dirty little secret. Little did his nurse or anyone elseknow, that in a personal satchel, which he had brought back from the battlefront, thereresided a most strange souvenir—the head of a Russian officer which he had severed fromthe body. Sergei XThe officer had fought valiantly and Bawdy had been so taken by his courage and verve aswell as the odd shape of the man’s head and the variety of bumps adorning his cranium, asto cause him to wonder as to the correlation between the shape of the man’s head and hischaracter.
  18. 18. V. EmergenceReturn HomeUpon his release from service, Bawdy studied the head for nights on end, complimentinghis efforts with treatise after treatise on phrenology. A quick study, he soon mastered thesubject and developed a unique theory of this unique head of his former enemy.Brilliantly integrating his own absurd ideas with those plagiarized from other allegedexperts, he created an original paper under his personal imprimatur. He entitled it“Russian to Judgment,” and it was quickly accepted for publication in Phrenology Today, apopular journal which bridged the gap between science and the masses. It was greetedwith critical acclaim by both scientists and lay people alike, catapulting Bawdy to theforefront of the profession.Prominent ScientistSuddenly, as if from nowhere, Bawdy emerged as a major figure in the scientificcommunity. His work was solidly based on the hypotheses of Viennese physician andworld-renowned phrenologist Joseph Gall and his adherents, Johann Kaspar Spurzheim andGeorge Combe. But Bawdy challenged and expanded their hypotheses.
  19. 19. His efforts culminated in November 1861 with his best selling Getting and Giving Head: TheHistory and Conversion of an Anti-phrenologist, followed six months later by Bumps on theRoad—Towards an Understanding of Human Nature.The third jewel in Bawdy’s Triple Crown of publication occurred in February 1863 withSome Gall! In which he challenged the primary teachings of the master himself; all hisworks were published in the Lancet, the British medical journal, and across the pond in thenew Annals of Phrenology. Father of Phrenology: Inspiration for Dr. BawdyBawdy’s reputation among his peers grew exponentially. He stood tall in expanding newresearch designs in the field. He was the one who conducted studies among inmates of jailsand lunatic asylums to gain a fuller understanding of the traits that were presumed to be“criminal” and “insane.” These he named after their excessive manifestations, proceedingto map out organs of murder, theft, rape, burglary, etc., thereby creating a map of thehuman scalp dividing it into oblong and coterminous patches, correlating them withdesignations such as amativeness, combativeness, destructiveness, etc. Never had humanbehavior been made any clearer, and it was Celestial Bawdy who made this all possible.
  20. 20. Self-Help GuruBawdy’s writings reverberated far outside the scientific community. His was a uniquetalent: the ability to blend rigorous scientific investigation with the ability to translate hisfindings in a manner comprehensible to the masses. His reach was ecumenical. He alonehad that rare ability to describe his findings in a manner acceptable by his scientific peers,but in a language ordinary people could also understand. For the first time, everyone couldread and analyze not only what is in their head, but what was on the outside as well.An entire category of books of literature soon came to be identified with him. They werecalled “self-help.” Initially fine booksellers did not take the genre seriously, locatingBawdy’s books in the rear of the bookstore, near the bathroom, or the “head,” joking, “Whatbetter place could there be for books on phrenology.”Their little joke, however, soon backfired, resounding mightily on behalf of Bawdy. Beforelong, all customer inquiries for the location of the “head” were being dispatched in thegeneral direction of Bawdy’s books. The “head,” the “toilet,” “phrenology,” and “self help”had suddenly become synonymous, only further enhancing the ease with which one mightfind his works. Sales of his books soared.
  21. 21. VI. StardomPublications GaloreBawdy was prolific. His books dominated the marketplace—one blockbuster after another.Taking your Lumps: Working with the Head God Gave You, was followed by Out of your Skulland into yourself. As fast as he wrote the, they rolled off the presses and flew off theshelves. Book lovers everywhere queued up in bookstores, hoping desperately for anavailable copy of Getting a Head in Life. The Bawdy Collection… Best Sellers AllLay people and scientists alike were awed by the scope and the clarity of his writing andhow it so thoroughly linked various formations of the skull to certain mental faculties andtraits of character.Best of all, his books were free of technical jargon and accessible to the larger public. Theygave people the faith that the key to their life lay all within their head, allowing them at lastto see the shapes of their own destinies.Bawdy was soon holding salons and meetings nationwide. He was a national culturalphenomenon. His books and pamphlets packed the self-help sections of bookstoresthroughout Britain and to the edge of the literate world.
  22. 22. View from the TopHe was now a major celebrity. It became fashionable to invite him to dinner parties andgala affairs where he would examine the heads of friends and groups of persons withcertain peculiar head shapes and prominences which they had in common—searching forthe distinctive feature of their characteristic trait.He became the personal physician to great figures of the time, such as Charles Dickens,William Makepeace Thackeray, John Forster, William Macready, and Wilkie Collins.His social life was a similar whirlwind of activity. There was the temporary courtship ofMary Ann Evans, inspiring her conversion to lesbianism, and it was he who suggested herpseudonym of George Eliot. Later came his gadding about town with noted courtierSuzanne Crumpet and lunching and partying with Madame Fifi, proprietress of the largestLondon brothel, Leche ma Chat. Dandy Dr. BawdyIt seemed he always had an attractive woman on his arm, but little was known about hisways with them. Bawdy was always the subject of speculation whirling about him andnumerous tales about alleged sexual escapades in The Sunday Bull and other tabloids.
  23. 23. Multi-Talented and Much-AttributedBawdy, however, stood above it all. He was, in every sense of the phrase, “a Renaissanceman.” He singlehandedly expanded the scope of human knowledge, dabbling in a widerange of scientific interests: galvanism, electricity, magnetism, heat, light, sound, andphilosophical laws of harmony. Not limited to science, he was equally versed in the literarysphere. He wrote poetry in Italian, translated Anacreon into Italian, carried on an infamous"literary duel" in English on "the impossibility of the tonic accent or emphasis falling on ashort syllable," and wrote Latin pieces in the style of Horace and Catullus. His limerickswere recited in pubs nationwide. In his few spare moments, he would dash off Latininscriptions for medals and monuments… Nulli Secundus…What a Guy! Queen Victoria Knighting Dr. BawdyThe whirlwind of activity surrounding him was capped with a final tribute to his greatness,an invitation to Buckingham Palace where he knelt before her majesty Queen Victoria; whovested in him in the Most Ancient and Most Noble Order of the Thistle, duly dubbing him“Sir Bawdy,” laying the sword first on his right and then his left shoulder, to the thunderousapplause of royal onlookers and the gratitude and approval of an adoring nation.
  24. 24. VII. Turning PointExit Mother ClaireThese were the salad years, 1860—1885. Bawdy was now at the peak of his profession andthe toast of British society. Life, however, has its ways of playing its dirty little tricks on us.On January 21 of that year, it dealt Bawdy a severe blow when he received word that hisdear mother, Claire had shaken off her mortal coil by an errant kick to the head by thehorse Studley, the very one who had attended Celestial’s birth. Oh, the irony of it all! Mother Claire Claire’s Funeral ProcessionDevastated with grief, Bawdy locked himself in his room, subsisting for days on only stalecrumpets and Earl Grey tea, tended to by his loyal man-servant, Weasley.
  25. 25. Enter VioletIn his search for solace, Bawdy turned away, however, from his society high fliers and hiscoterie of coquettes, initiating instead a relationship with a young girl we know only asViolet, an uncultured street urchin, and seller of hot chestnuts, twenty five years his junior,who would later appear on his marriage certificate as his wife. Violet DUncomfortable in the ways of London society and burdened by a noxious cockney accentthis same uncultured creature would turn Dr. Bawdy’s life around and help him fulfill histrue destiny. It would be she who would introduce him to a wide variety of sexualpractices and become his teacher and guide in what would turn out to be his true life’swork.
  26. 26. The Secret DiaryThe most comprehensive account of their initial intimacies can be found in Bawdy’s diarywhich now resides at the British Museum. I, dear reader, was privileged to gain access to it,thanks to political connections forged over a generation in investigative journalism.Security was tight at the museum from the moment I first mentioned the Bawdy collection.The guard frisked me down and asked that I remove everything from my pocket, afterwhich it was requested that I disrobe completely. After the removal of my undergarments,I was subject to the most intense and personal probing—a highly intrusive though, anadmittedly not unpleasant procedure. Dr. Bawdy Personal Diary Courtesy of the British MuseumI sat there alone, bare-assed and shivering, alone in the room with the good Doctor’s diary.A guard supervised my every move from a glass tower above the reading room. My handsshook as they reached out for the sacred document.I fondled the delicate worn cover that contained such secrets. Slowly, ever so reverently, Iopened the book. I started reading. My head immediately recoiled, struck by the detail, thepassion, and the clarity with which Bawdy expressed himself.—his first night with Violet,the apogee of his life and an epochal moment in the history of Western civilization.
  27. 27. The Inside Story “I shall never forget our first night together.” “We repaired to bed and after a few respectful moments, I requested of Violet, “My dear, I would be quite pleased if you would kindly remove your garments, and lie on your back. Then please spread your legs, close your eyes; and think of England.” How ignorant I was of the ways of sex. My remark led only to gales of uproarious laughter from her to the point of convulsions. “Come ‘ere Ducky,” she coyly said ‘twixt a gaggle of giggles, beckoning me forward with a come-hither look. I momentarily froze, after which I realized I had no choice, my manhood being tightly gripped in her hot little hands. She then proceeded to tutor me in the ways of the sexual world. Oh ecstasy, thy name is Violet! It didn’t end that evening either. Over the next two months she exposed me to the most intense and varied sexual activity ever experienced by man. Violet was a master teacher, and I, the perfect pupil. I took to her lessons enthusiastically. Where had she been my entire life? She opened up my body to the world of the sensory realm. There I spent hour after hour under her expert tutelage, plumbing the depths of her vast knowledge: unearthing these goings-on and the language which described them. Were ever sweeter words heard by either man or woman? It was an epiphany. My entire life’s work suddenly flashed before me, bringing it seriously into question. For the first time since Sister Peter Cleavage, I was in touch with the life’s essence. My life’s calling was now clear—to find the words to describe the inexpressible and to share them with the world. The actions were joyous, but it was the words describing them which held the key. If you cannot utter the words, the actions themselves will never truly resonate within your soul. The more inexpressible thee acts, the less accessible they would be. I saw as my mandate to preserve these savory, threatened morsels from extinction. I then repaired to the library and the archives where I complemented Stella’s knowledge with that of the literary canons of Western civilization. Shakespeare, Donne, Jonson, Wordsworth, Shelley, Keats, et. al.
  28. 28. I realized now that for too long I had been in error in my search for man’s essence. I rejected my lifelong efforts in phrenology, turning instead to the study of sexual nomenclature which I modestly called, “Bawdy Language.”I slowly closed the diary, realizing that my own life would never be the same. I now betterunderstood what had transpired.The Road Less TraveledBawdy’s next publication in the Lancet, was defiantly titled, Phrenology is the Science ofSatan. It minced no words, tackling head-on the central contention of men of science thatthe engine of human motivation and the mainspring of action was the brain. Cranial-Centered Heads of the British Phrenology AssociationIn a private interview about his rejection of reason and hard science, Bawdy proclaimed hisworld view as “little head tells big head what to do.” This, alas, did not sit well with hiscranial-focused peers. They were devastated by his rejection of science. Bawdy no longerhad any credibility with the Academy. His assertion that the penis was superior to thecerebellum and the medulla oblongata was simply too hard to grasp.He soon he fell out of favor with scientists and lay people alike, invariably leading to fewerand fewer lectures. Scientific journals rejected his non-scientific submissions. Reputablebooksellers ceased stocking his publications. “Bawdy Goes Bonkers!” The London Timesheadline screamed. His career was in freefall.
  29. 29. VII. Demise and FallStruggling for RecognitionAs the depth and breadth of his scholarship in his new chosen field expanded, his circle offriends and associates diminished; his isolation widened. He was second to none in his newchosen field, but he stood alone. He continued relentlessly in his efforts —to make Bawdythe new lingua franca—a bridge between all cultures to make communication easier: evenif they couldn’t share a common tongue, they could tongue in a common fashion. Towardsthat end, he met privately on the continent with L.L. Zamenhof who was developing andpromoting Esperanto as an auxiliary language( See Una Libro ,1887); and sailed across theAtlantic to meet with Maxmillian Berlitz founder of a new network of language schools. Maxmillian BerlitzBut there was, alas, no interest on their part. They did not speak the same language when itcame to sex.
  30. 30. Financial RuinAs fate would have it, Bawdy was now bereft of a platform for his ideas. He was forcedunderground—driven to submitting articles under pseudonyms in order to get thempublished. He teetered on the edge of bankruptcy.Tradesmen to whom he owed money worried when they read their morning newspaperson May 11, 1884 that he had been imprisoned for a debt of 92 pounds 4 crown and sixpence. A month later, he was discharged as an insolvent when it was shown that hiscreditors had no chance of collecting any of the monies owed them. The Times of Londonwas particularly harsh in their excoriation of him.Within two weeks of his release Bawdy responded to his opponents with a 40-pagepamphlet entitled The revengeful attack of the Times explained and refuted, printed for theauthor, and sold by him. He then took libel action against the newspaper, citing loss ofincome resulting from their articles. The issue dragged on for several months before finallycoming to trial on 11 February 1886. Bawdy made the final error of representing himselfin court, totally unmindful of the adage, that a person who acts as his own lawyer has afool for a client. This fool, however, somehow proved convincing and managed to proveloss of income. This was more than offset, however, by Sir John Campbell, barrister for TheTimes, which acknowledged that it had published the articles but pleaded justificationwhile dragging more of Bawdy’s tall tales out of him, and ridiculing him further. He wasnow the laughingstock of the nation.
  31. 31. HumiliationThe final coup de grace occurred in June of that year when he engaged in a very publicargument with her majesty Queen Victoria. It seems that the Queen had commentedpublicly about a section of the Criminal Law, which though it had criminalized malehomosexual activity, made no mention of women participating in such behavior. Askedabout it, she noted how the omission of women from this legislation made good sense inthat women do not engage in such activity; in fact, they could not, there being simply nopractical way they could do so. In response, Bawdy and Violet co-wrote an article to theTimes openly challenging the Queen on the matter, arguing that women did indeed do itand then proceeded to described graphically exactly how it might be done.As expected, The Times refused to run the article, but a fortnight later it ended up beingprinted in a London gossip sheet, The Naughty Tattler, in all its sordid detail under the titleYes we can! The Queen and her supporters took immediate umbrage at the remarks, and inan unusual and dramatic gesture, un-knighted Sir Bawdy, by royal proclamation, relegatinghim to the position of “less than commoner.” Her Majesty Readying to Sign Bawdy De-Knighting Decree
  32. 32. Bawdy was now fully anathema to proper society. His friends deserted him, seekingfriends in higher places. He and Violet stood alone against a hostile and uncaring world.Bawdy was forced to shuttle from residence to residence, moving very year or two until1889, when he settled at 7 Little Charles Street, Regents Park. He was still living there on 7July 1896, when he appealed to the Prime Minister William Gladstone for assistance. Hereceived not even the courtesy of a response.BrokenBawdy’s last public days passed into ignominy. The last portrait we have of him is of asomewhat shabby, snuffy old gentleman, "sadly marked with small-pox.” Local accountsrecall a wandering man lumbering like an inebriated bear across Hyde Park, mumblingrepeatedly the same seven filthy words aloud over and over. Indeed, he was a teacher insearch of pupils and the once-adoring world which had now turned its back on him. Bawdy in Decline
  33. 33. VIII. The VanishingAs Bawdy deteriorated, his last few friends moved him to Wickham, Hampshire, for thesake of his health. His appetite declined rapidly, subsisting for days on end on only beerand pistachios. On February 19, 1882, a small group of confidants paid him a visit. Theywere, however, greeted, not by Bawdy but by a disheveled and confused Violet whoslammed the door in their face. After numerous failed pleas, they finally forced their wayin. “We must see Bawdy,” they insisted. Violet responded by spasmodically shaking herhead no, laughing hysterically, and madly dancing about the room, whilst bursting intosong.His friends strained to hear the lyrics, hoping they might offer a clue as to Bawdy’swhereabouts, but alas, it was difficult through Stella’s dreadful cockney accent. One of hiscolleagues, familiar with the dialogue, thought he heard something about the rain in Spain.Indeed! It only confused matters even further. Nothing added up.They then searched the premises, but nary a clue could they find. Further questioning ofViolet proved fruitless. They finally notified the authorities, and Scotland Yard sent out aspecial unit headed by a Captain Conan Doyle.Top forensic investigators pored over the premises using the latest technology.Bloodhounds searched the surrounding areas. There was no sign of Bawdy. He had totallyvanished; no one had the slightest clue as to what had happened to him or where he couldbe.Authorities put out an all-points bulletin nationwide—but to no avail. Bawdy was never tobe heard from again. The case went into the file labeled “Ambiguous Situations.” As one ofthe Yard investigators summed it up, “No Bawdy, no crime.”
  34. 34. IX. First Glimmers of RecognitionRediscoveryFor the next century, Celestial Bawdy disappeared from the national consciousness. It wasas if he had never existed.But times and circumstances would soon shift on his behalf. Great Britain emerged fromWorld War II a second-rate power, its empire in shambles and bereft of domesticaccomplishment.It was also struggling with its public image as a soulless, sexless nation still caught in themindset and ways of the Victorian era, one left behind by the counter -cultural revolution ofthe 1960s.The country’s public persona desperately needed a thorough revamping. It needed a hero,a spokesperson, a public face who would be the embodiment of the New Britain. The Intrepid Courtney ThwarpIt happened at that time that Young Courtney Thwarp had just assumed the position ofhead of PR in the Home Secretary’s Office when he happened to overhear a joke at a partyabout a historical oddity named Celestial Bawdy. His curiosity piqued, he trekked to theBritish Museum to learn more.
  35. 35. There he unearthed the documentation which resonated for him personally. Here, hethought to himself, was the hero that Britain needed: one who could proudly represent herto the world. Back to the Future! Carefully he called on a few trusted staff; and togetherthey planned the return of Celestial Bawdy.The ResurrectionThwarp and his staff orchestrated a carefully-sequenced series of events to re-introduceBawdy to the world. Soon Bawdy was awash in a sea of tribute. Songsmiths begancomposing ballads commemorating his life and work. Alternative radio stations playedthem across the country. Posters appeared in the Underground. An exhibition celebratinghis life was held in Birmingham, accompanied by a pamphlet biography. In 1982, the firstsignificant full-length biography was published by American admirer Albert Kinsey,entitled My Bawdy Lies over the Ocean.A year later, the Bawdy Image Society placed a plaque at the Inn at Herring Bone- by- theSea; while in 1985, a statue was unveiled in the town, depicting the Doctor in coitus withViolet. After townspeople had firebombed the monument, leaving behind a tangle oftwisted and charred metal, supporters created a more modest memorial garden of peoniesin its place. In 1991, an exhibition celebrated the opening of the Bawdy Museum. Bawdy Museum at Herringbone
  36. 36. Dr. Bawdy had once more assumed his position in the pantheon of the greats.No one was more deserving of the adoration which followed. His biographer LawrenceParos thought him "the most notable figure in Victorian Britain.” Historian Will Durantdescribed him as "one of the most colorful and important characters in British history.” Lawrence Paros, Dr. Bawdys biographerFootnote to HistoryAs a professional historian, I have dedicated my life’s work to honoring great figures lost inthe shuffle of time —bringing to the forefront little-known people who have had a profoundeffect on our lives and how we see the world. Celestial Bawdy was one such personage.One day in July 1991, I was working on the screenplay for a motion picture based on his life(To be directed by Ang Lee or Martin Scorsese, with Brad Pitt cast as Celestial), when Iheard a pounding at my front door. I opened it to find an old disheveled figure standingbefore me clutching a ream of papers. “I believe you were looking for these,” he said,handing them to me. “Let me introduce myself,” he said. “I am Sir Celestial Bawdy.”
  37. 37. “How can that be?” I asked. “You’re 150 years old.”“You’re fucking-A right,” he responded. “Agreed, this is some pretty weird shit, but suck it upkid. I’m back and here to stay. You have been tapped to be my conduit—to continue my work;create a platform for my ideas, and spread them far and wide. For my part, I will give youcomplete access to my papers, and write a regular advice column, providing you each day withnew and insightful suggestions for humankind. You, in turn, will tweet and blog and dowhatever you people do to get the word out—whatever it takes to spread the gospel of Bawdy farand wide through those internet tubes—to make it the universal language, teaching others how tolive, thereby elevating all of humankind in the process.” I agreed. Our destinies are now joined. Our voices are one. That’s the way it is. Lawrence Paros, Authority on Dr. Bawdy, Trusted Colleague and Confidante Read more http://www.BawdyLanguage.com

×