Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! This is Chapter 9.667, where I am finally forced to let go
of my Gen 2 heirs and their spouses.
Survey says Kendra, Willy the Snitch, Snyder, Flutie, and Wood are Airedales. I've seen photos,
and they look pretty close, so I'm gonna go with it. So, if we'd had a pool, which we didn't, and if
you had "Airedale" in the pool, you would have won, except that there was no pool, so you didn't.
"Grandma, you're going to die soon, aren't you?"
"Seems that way."
"I don't want you to die!"
"It happens, Wren. You're in a Legacy family; it goes with the territory."
"But Daddy can bring you back like he did with Mommy, right? You don't have to be dead forever,
"Your dad can't bring me back this time. When your grandpa and I go, it's for good. At least for
another six generations or so."
"It's not fair!"
"You shouldn't worry so much about people dying, Wren. There's no point to dwelling on death; it's
not the most important thing in life. The most important thing you can do is to find people you
love, and to spend time with the people who love you. That'll make you happier than fretting about
losing the people you care about."
"So you think this'll jumpstart our bolts, Jonquil?"
"In theory, but all good hypotheses need to be tested."
"So we both down some Love Potion and then go on a date?"
"That's the idea."
"Should we even be able to do this if we're not at least Crushing on each other?"
"Don't know, don't care, don't want to think about it too much lest this go away as well."
OK, Love Potion didn't work, but thanks to AnnyuiDuck and katrih83 over on Boolprop.com for the
"Hey, Kest, what've you got there?"
"A toy robot Grandpa gave me."
"Where'd he get it?"
"I don't know. He said I could have it and it's not my birthday or anything! He's the nicest grandpa
"Riiiiight. Do you know where he is?"
"Dad, did you give Kest a little robot?"
"I was out shopping and I thought he might like it."
"Uncharacteristically nice of you."
"Is it so out of the ordinary for me to want to see a smile on my grandson's face?"
"I guess not. I mean, you're Family, after all."
"So I am. Have a seat, Finn, I think we need to talk."
"Nah, I was going to call up Heather and go have a date. Those photobooth WooHoos aren't
going to have themselves."
"That wasn't a request. You can sit down, or I can make you sit down. I may be old, but I still have
one nice point."
"OK, I'm sitting. Happy?"
"Not really. This WooHoo obsession of yours has got to stop. You're already Permaplat, Finn, it's
not like you're going to be getting MORE Permaplat if you fulfill that new LTW in record time."
"I like dating. I like WooHoo. I like photobooth WooHoo on dates. Why shouldn't I be able to do
the things I enjoy?"
"Because you're doing them at the expense of your family!"
"Kest and Cory have you and Mom and Rosemarie. It's not like they're eating dog food and
sleeping on the floor."
"Legacies are about sacrifice. You think I wanted to grow old and die while my brother stays young
forever? Of course not! But it's the price we have to pay."
"I didn't want to be heir, Dad, unlike you. You forced me into this, remember?"
"It was that or let this Uglacy die in its third generation. You can act like having a family is the
worst thing that ever happened to you, or you can accept it for what it is and embrace what it has
to offer. You have a wife who bolts you. You have kids who love you despite your attempts to
sabotage that, and who are going to need you when your mother and I die. Maybe you have to put
your dreams of WooHoo on hold for a while and take care of things here."
"That's just not me. I was never meant to be a family man."
"Doesn't mean you can't be one. Kest has spent more time with that robot than he has with you, and I only
gave it to him yesterday. He has a better relationship with the dogs than he has with his own father! I won't
see my grandson grow up ignored."
"All right, so maybe I'm a little preoccupied, but that doesn't mean Kest and Cory are going to be traumatized
"Your uncle wasn't meant to be a family man either, and look at how his children turned out."
"Cass isn't so bad. Sure, he never met a guy he didn't bolt, or a professor he didn't WooHoo, but that's just
him, you know?"
"Cassidy is living with Mr. Big and he's addicted to booze and bubbles. Delirium's an angry bully, and Spider
Jerusalem's holding it together by the skin of his teeth. Is that really the future you see for your kids?"
"I guess not. I never really looked at it that way before. I didn't know Cassidy had hooked up with Mr. Big. I
mean, I knew Spider was a mess--coming to you for help? Kid's a bit wet behind the ears, if you ask me. If I
were nicer, I might talk to him about what you're really like, but, eh. Lucky for you, I suppose."
"I've never once told Spider a lie."
"Like you've ever needed to talk to lie before. That kid worships the ground you walk on--do you think he'd still
see you as Kindly Uncle Larch if he knew who you really are?"
"Don't go messing with Spider--do you think he'd have been happier without me to talk to? You should focus
on your kids, not your cousins. I'm sure Kest would enjoy the occasional game of catch or the chance to go
fishing with you."
"Yeah, you're probably right. Can I go now?"
"No. There's one more thing I need to tell you, and it's important. Very important. Save-the-Legacy important."
"What I'm about to say won't make much sense. I don't care if you don't understand it, but I need you to
promise me that you'll tell this to your heir EXACTLY as I'm telling it to you. It doesn't matter whether your heir
is Kest or Cory, he MUST know this, and he MUST pass it down to his heir as well, and from there on down
through the generations. If someone fails to tell their heir, this Legacy will likely come to a very bloody end."
"Geez. Serious much?"
"YES, Finn! Deadly serious. Get that through your WooHoo-addled brain. If you are derelict in your duty, you
doom your descendants to a nasty death."
"Okay, okay, I get it! It's important! Dad, I may think about WooHoo for pretty much every waking moment,
and, let's face it, most of my sleeping ones too, but I'm not stupid. If I have to sacrifice eternal life and youth
and as much WooHoo as I can stand for this family, I don't want it to be destroyed before the Legacy is
finished. I promise I'll tell my heir what you're telling me."
"Good. Tell Kest or Cory this: 'When the time is right, let the rain wash away the sins of the past.' "
"Dad, that's crazy-people talk. You could just come out and say what you mean."
"It doesn't make sense because the time is not right! When the time is right, the meaning will
"What if the time is never right?"
"Then the tenth generation can thank their lucky stars that someone stopped Cypress before he
decided to go after the Uglacy."
"OK. Time, right, rain, sins, past. Got it. Can I go now?"
sigh "Yes, you can go have your photobooth WooHoo or whatever."
"Ow! Daddy, you throw too hard!"
"Heh. Sorry, Kest, ten Body and two nice points. I can't help it."
"That's okay. I have six nice points, so I forgive you."
"Six nice points... Are you sure you're my son?"
"You're so funny, Daddy!"
"Jeannie, I know we don't have any bolts or hearts or anything, but will you marry me again?"
"You think this will get us our hearts and bolts back?"
"Say yes, and we'll find out!"
"Nope. Geez, who do we have to kill to get some hearts around here?"
"Je t'aime, ma cherie."
"I love you too, Stephan. My cousin may be Eeevil, but he sure did the right thing when he
introduced the two of us."
"Oui. And au revoir, ma belle Juniper."
And so the first of my Gen 2s meets the Reaper.
Stephan could not stop bawling.
Juniper and Stephan should have died on the same day--he moved in the same day she moved
back to the neighborhood, they were both Permaplat when they aged to Elder, their life bars were
filling up at the exact same rate, but at 6:00, Stephan got what looks to be three extra days of life
for no apparent reason. I'd be sadder that they didn't go out together, but it's Stephan and
Stephan is awesome, so I can't complain about getting a few more days with him.
"Hey, Betty! Time to go to a land of eternal couch-jumping, bubble baths, and lounging around in
pajamas! And hanging ten."
"But that doesn't sound like fun! I'm Permaplat! I'm supposed to go somewhere fun!"
"Whoa. Dudette, a little help here?"
She's another Pleasure Sim with three playful points, Spicoli.
"Righteous. OK, Betty, you get to come to a land of looking at the neighbors through the
telescope, going on dates, and gaining skill points!"
"I don't know about you, but that seems like Heaven to me!"
"Your Dad told me to tell you there's puppies."
They didn't all crack at once. Stephan sobbed through Death Spicoli's whole visit and took a
5000-point Aspiration hit. Yay for Permaplat, I guess.
Wren was next, although since he had rolled the Fear of Jon dying and not a generic Relative
Dies Fear, he didn't end up with his Aspiration in the red.
Jeannie, surprisingly, also cried. June and Stephan didn't cry when she died, but she was quite
broken up when June died, maybe because she's a Family Sim.
Who didn't cry? Here's a clue--she's short and has Stabby Death Nose and one nice point.
"I'm so sorry, Jonny, I know this must be hard for you."
"The worst part's watching my dad break down. I know exactly how he feels."
"I guess you do, don't you?"
"Yeah. I'm going to go sit with him for a while."
"I'll go keep Wren company; you know what he's like."
Juniper Vetinari, Gen 2 Prettacy heir, achieved her LTW of reaching the top of the Gamer career. She married
Stephan and raised two boys, Jonquil and Geranium, and two grandkids, Wren and Raven. She never
stopped rolling Wants to skill, and in fact, I got her a skill point the day she died, because she Wanted to. She
and Stephan had two bolts for the entirety of their relationship, and were absolutely adorable together.
June lived 77 days and left money to 18 people, including $20K to Stephan, $9300 to Jon, $8800 to Gerry,
$2475 to Wren, and $900 to Raven. The greatest legacy she left to the Prettacy, however, is the persistently
enduring Stabby Death Nose she got from her mother.
June, you were goofy and rolled some crazy Wants for a Pleasure Sim on occasion, but you were fun to play,
and you and Stephan were great together, and I forgive you for Stabby Death Nose.
Here's Juniper's Pleasure Platstone next to Isaac's. You know, I have to stop having Pleasure,
Knowledge, and Family Sims at this house, or the Memorial Wall is going have a certain
sameness to it.
All I can say is, the next three-playful-point Sim I have here who rolls Pleasure is getting
"Wait, Tiff, something's missing."
"No, nothing like that, although, hold that thought. Something more... shouty..."
"My girlfriend's here and your sister's not screaming about it. Where is she?"
"Del went to college, Dad. Like, three days ago."
"Yeah. She left before you got home from work."
"Huh. Just you and me now."
"Well, go and... clean something. I have things to do."
"Things, psycho sorority chicks, same difference, I guess."
"Don't take that tone with me, Spider Jerusalem!"
We may have done nothing but fight, but at least you were company, Del. It really is just me and
him here now and I have a feeling that I'm not going to enjoy this. I wish I could have gone with
you. And I think maybe you did too.
"I'm leaving for college, Spider."
"I can't deal with Dad anymore."
"Look, you... You should get out of here."
"I mean it! Dad... He... Mom... And Cass..."
"Yeah. I know."
"It's no good here, Spider. You should come with me."
"I can't. You know Dad won't let me leave now."
"I guess not."
"You should go before he gets home."
"Yeah. Just... take care of yourself, okay?"
"He hasn't got long before he's headed to college too, has he?"
"A week, maybe. Then he'll have to go to college or go into Aspiration failure, and I don't fancy
watching him cluck like a chicken. Why do you ask?"
"I could keep an eye on him if you like. You can't exactly hang around the university, but I can pop
over to the Academie from SSU with no trouble. Tell you what he's up to."
"I think I like that idea. As long as it's only an eye you're keeping on him."
"Aaaah! I'm old and the Grim Reaper is in my bathtub and he's going to beat me to death with a
stick! Help! Help! NPC Brutality!"
I don't think he's here for you, Christy...
Kendra lived 33 days, and for whatever reason, died at 11:30 in the morning in the middle of a bath.
Snyder was very upset. But now there's room for another dog, so we can get him a mate.
I was all set to be sad, but then Christy made "grrrr" face and Shooed the Grim Reaper out of the bathtub, and
I was laughing so hard I didn't get any pictures of it.
I set the pets up with a little cemetery outside the Stuff Bunker.
Oh, and, apparently, when the Grim Reaper stands in your bathtub, it makes it so that the shower curtain is
perma-closed. Everyone can still use the bathtub, but they have to step through the shower curtain. Thanks
for taking my dog and glitching my tub, Grimmy. I bet Death Spicoli wouldn't have done that.
You know, in the Prettacy, I can't seem to get rid of Stabby Death Nose, and in the Uglacy, I can't
seem to get rid of PseudoBruty.
"Booga booga booga, lumpy stranger!"
"Aaaah! Grandma, it's me, Finn!"
"But none of my motives dropped even slightly, thanks to the protective powers of WooHoo!
WooHoo--when Kevlar is of no practical use!"
Three generations of Uglacy guys fishing.
Larch: "See, Finn? You get to bond with your kids AND catch delicious fish!"
Finn: "Dad, do we really want me to catch fish and then stick them in my pants for storage?"
Kest: "I don't think I want to eat fish from Daddy's pants."
Finn! Are you PLAYING with Cory?
"Well, Dad was probably right. If I don't spend more time with my kids, they'll end up being
vulnerable to people like Dad. And Uncle Cy. And Sycamore. And Zee and I. Maybe not Gerry
because he's kind of flaky, but you get my point."
Rosemarie has the day off today, doesn't she?
"Well, yes, but that's only got a little to do with it."
Cory grows up.
Rosemarie: "Hi, honey!"
Finn: "You wanna go WooHoo?"
Larch: "I have to pee."
Cory: "Is anyone actually paying attention to me?"
Not as such, kid.
Behold his glory, my friends...
I can't decide whether his nose or what, for lack of a better term, must be called his chin is my
"There's not room in this house for TWO Popularity Sims, Granddaughter-in-law!"
"Waaagh! I don't get +1000 Aspiration for meeting a ghost!"
"I'm still getting WooHoo, right?"
Raven grows up, and you can really see her dad and granddad in her.
"I know you're working on your novel, but this is important."
"We appear to be having another baby, Jeannie."
"I thought you might appreciate that."
"Well, there's only one thing for it, then."
"Jeannie, the first time we did this we had hearts and two bolts and formal wear and a house full
of lag--uh, guests, I mean guests--and then Mom and Dad and I all got sick, and then you thought
I didn't love you, and then Grandpa and Grandma killed you, and then when I brought you back
we weren't married or in love or bolting each other or anything, so I guess what I'm trying to say is
we had the perfect wedding but a whole lot of not-perfect after that, and maybe if we have a living-
room wedding while you're pregnant like Grandma and Grandpa did, things will go as well for us
as they did for them, and I don't care if we don't have hearts or bolts, I still love you and I still want
to be with you."
"Jon, I don't need a big white dress and a tiara to have the perfect wedding. All I need is you."
THAT was what I needed to do? Get them re-married? Holy crap, I could have done that a week
ago if I'd thought they'd even get married without being in love! I only tried getting them married
this time out of sheer desperation!
Jon followed this up with the longest heart-fart I have ever seen. He spent probably fifteen
seconds with hearts pouring out of a thought bubble with Jeannie's picture in it. Now they walk
around the house heart-farting each other and swooning, and all is right with the world.
"Hey, boss. This is it, huh?"
"Any words of advice?"
"Don't trust Cypress any farther than you can drop-kick him. And even that might be pushing it.
The only thing you can count on him to do is act out the nastiest plans he can devise. I know what
he's capable of, and he WILL destroy this Legacy if left unopposed."
"I made my decision a long time ago. I'll do whatever it takes. WHATEVER it takes."
"You're not getting cold feet, are you?"
"Who, me? This has to be done, and I know that. It won't be easy, but nothing really worthwhile is.
This'll be the hardest thing I ever do. June's family deserves all the protection I can throw at
"I wish there were another way, but I can't see one. And remember, Sycamore..."
"...the boy is important. He just might crack when I die, and if he does, Cy will kill him. I'm hoping
he's strong enough to last, but it's too close to call. You'll have to make contact eventually, but
you'll have to use your judgment as to when. I'd suggest waiting a while. See if he changes. He's
a bit soft now; he'll be of more use to our cause if he's harder. Stronger. Meaner. Whatever the
case, just make sure he remembers who his friends are. I'm leaving this in your hands. We can't
risk a mistake here."
"Don't worry, boss. I'll take care of everything. Just leave it up to me."
"I wish I could do this myself, but such is the life of a Legacy heir."
"You taught me all the Eeevil I know. You've got nothing to worry about."
"I'm worried that maybe I should have taught you all the Eeevil I know."
"I only had the one lifetime."
"It's still longer than mine."
"True. Listen, I should head home. It's Eddie's birthday."
"You've been the best Number One Minion an Eeevil genius like me could have hoped for."
"You've been a good boss, boss."
"You've been a good friend, Cami."
"Hey, Gerry. Glad you could make it."
"Sure thing, bro. We should hang out more often."
"You do know I asked you here because Dad's got two hours left to live, right?"
"Oh yeah. Weak."
"Bye, Dad. I'll miss you."
"I will miss you as well, Jean."
"Au revoir, Gerry."
"Bye, Dad. Hey, since you've got an hour and a half left, wanna have a water balloon fight?"
"You 'aven't changed at all, 'ave you?"
Jon: "Waaah! I'm an orphan!"
Gerry: "Waaah! I'm an orphan and Death interrupted our water balloon fight!"
Stephan: "It was a very good water balloon fight."
Death Spicoli: "Dudes! I missed a water balloon fight?"
"OK, brah, your wife's chillin' on the beach with a puppy and a telescope, and she's got an
umbrella drink and a spot in the sand just waiting for you."
"Zat sounds amazing! 'And over zat drink and take me away!"
"You're a pretty mellow dude, huh?"
It's time for a Choose Your Own Caption Adventure! Given that he had to walk past his father's
tombstone and a pair of spectral hula dancers to talk to Jonny, what wildly inappropriate thing is
1) "Well, you know, it really was Dad's time to go."
2) "I guess Death just punched Dad's ticket."
3) "So do you think I can make time with one of those hula chicks?"
4) "Wow, big bro, tick tock, you're next!"
We hope you have enjoyed this Choose Your Own Caption Adventure!
Stephan Wren Vetinari, Gen 2 Prettacy spouse, achieved his LTW to reach the top of the Education career, provided
some recessive genes, and doted on both his children and his grandchildren, rolling Wants to teach every one of
them all of their toddler skills. I wished he'd passed on his nose, but both Jon and Gerry really do look a lot like him
aside from Stabby Death Nose.
Stephan lived 80 days, getting three more than Juniper for some reason I cannot fathom. He left $9100 to Jon, $8K
to Gerry, $1850 to Wren, $1650 to Raven, and $960 to Jeannie.
Stephan, I married you in because you were awesome in my custom 'hood, and you did not disappoint. Knowledge
Sim you rolled a Want to have a baby! You were a great father, a great husband what with all the bolts, easy to keep
happy, and generally one of the mellowest Sims I've ever played. This Message Brought To You By The
SupremeNerd Foundation For Convincing Other Simmers To Marry This Guy In, Because He Freaking Rules.
Stephan's Platstone next to Calista's. I'm being sort of lazy about painting Jeannie's picture and
getting it up.
Guess who freaks out as soon as he wakes up? But again, he wasn't rolling a Fear of Stephan
dying, just Jeannie, so he didn't end up with his Aspiration tanked.
And then as Raven breaks down, Wren grows up.
He tried to give her a hug, but she pulled the "One nice point GRRRR!" card.
OK, if your standard for "pretty" is "Face One," then Wren isn't attractive, but I think he's got a
certain hottie charm. He's got a lot of Jon in him, but I see little touches of Jeannie here and there,
and then there's Calista's Stabby Death Nose.
And there's the ubiquitous finger-gunning, so you know he's a Vetinari.
Wren (Aries 6/9/6/5/6) rolled Romance and his LTW is to be a Professional Party Guest. Maybe
he took June's advice to surround himself with loved ones a little too literally? And again, a
Romance Sim doesn't roll the 20 WooHoos LTW.
NO ISAAC BAD ISAAC THAT IS A VERY BAD ISAAC!! *swats on nose with rolled-up newspaper*
But guess whose motives were all green except for Bladder this time? Just a pee puddle to clean
up, rather than a pee puddle and a tombstone.
Gerry: "I have a new niece and/or nephew!"
Jon: "Hooray! Wait, what?"
Gerry: "I have a new niece and/or nephew!"
Jon: "No. No, you don't. There are no true human hermaphrodites, Gerry, you have a niece or a nephew. It's
just an 'or', there is no 'and'."
Jeannie: "You have a nephew, Gerry. There isn't even an 'or'."
Gerry: "Whooo! I have a new nephew!"
Yup, it's a baby boy named Rhea. And right now there's a bunch of you out there going, "But that's a GIRL'S
name," and to you I say, my great-grandfather's name was John Rhea, and he pronounced it "Ray" rather than
"Ree-uh," so there!
New dog! Her original name was Buffy, but since I'm naming pets after characters from Buffy, it
seemed a bit too easy, so I changed it to Gwendolyn. She looks like an Akita, I think, with that
Lumpy! He's actually got a cheekbone-lump, and then a pointy cheek-lump, and then a smaller,
rounder secondary cheek-lump just below that. His eyes look a bit far apart from the front like
Rosemarie's, but he's much lumpier from this angle.
Kestrel rolls Popularity, with the LTW of Celebrity Chef like his great-grandpa Orson. And since
he's platinum now that he grew up, he gets to Energize and hop on a telescope for the night. Try
to look sexy, Kest!
"You're still the only woman I'll ever have three bolts for, Christy."
"I'm glad you plucked me from Dormie Limbo and gave me the chance to stalk you and Make Out
with you at every opportunity, Larch. Maybe you asked me on a date because I was ugly, but we
had a pretty good run, didn't we?"
"One more Make Out for the road?"
"Just try and stop me!"
I hate this part.
People crying, dogs howling...
Kest and Zee were upstairs. They took their sweet time coming down.
"No more bolty stalking goodness?"
"Not for a few days, but we totally have an expensive bar."
"Costing at least $1000?"
"Shhheeeyyyaaahhh! Like, is there any other kind?"
"When do we leave?"
"Do you also have wildly expensive paintings and statues?"
"Anything you want."
"Wheee! See ya, honey, I'm going to have a thousand-Simolean drink!"
"Catch ya later, Dudette."
Much to my dismay, Spicoli.
Count the tombstones!
Little Townie Kid you can sorta see on the far left: "I should go home now. You know, where there's not so much death, and
Gwen:I just met you a few hours ago but Hoooooowwwwlllll!
Cory: "I'm done crying; can I go to bed now?"
Red-headed Teen Townie: "I'm not gonna cry because an hour ago, she shocked me and I totally double-minused her!"
Zee: "This is boring. There's no one here to flirt with."
Larch: "Waaaah! Christy!"
Kest: "Waaaah! Grandma!"
Rosemarie: "Hey, Finn, you wanna...?"
Finn: "Post-funeral WooHoo? Do I!"
Larch: "Waaaah! I don't get any more post-funeral WooHoo!"
Ehehehehehehe. Thought you could run from the trauma, eh, Zee?
"If only I'd made it out the door!"
"Um... Grandpa's still crying. Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Um... I kinda don't know how to make
him stop, and it's kinda unnerving... Grandpa never cries, and this is, like, the fourth consecutive
cry, and I could really use a little help here... Bueller?"
Christy Barthelet Vetinari achieved her LTW of reaching the top of the Law career, and was unquestionably qualified
for her role as the Gen 2 Uglacy spouse. She made me *headdesk* myself into a concussion when she gave birth to
twins, but at least they were UGLY twins. If I left her alone, she'd stalk Larch and Flirt, Admire, Congratulate, and
Make Out, and if it were possible, I don't know if they'd ever have left the bedroom. Three-bolt chemistry is powerful,
Christy lived 80 days and left 20K to Larch, $3900 each to Zee and Finn, $2300 to Kest, and $1775 to Cory, plus
money to her Townie and Dormie friends.
Christy, genetics notwithstanding, I wouldn't have married you in if Larch had hated you, but those two--and then
three, and then two again--bolts made that decision for me. I'd be remiss if I said you two were cute together, but
your relationship was great to watch. And, hey, your genetics are squiffing up my Uglacy two generations later, so,
There's Christy's Fortune Platstone next to PseudoBruty's.
Christy, you were substantially less irritating than your mother-in-law... Let us hope that your ghost
will continue in that same vein.
Rosemarie goes Permaplat!
"Can I have 5 Top Level Businesses?"
"But you're getting Finn his new LTW!"
Let me 'splain something to you Lucy: One, 5 Top Level Businesses isn't an Impossible Want for
Popularity Sims, just Fortune Sims, so there's no added bonus to me; Two, any business started by you
doesn't count as a Family Business, so there's no advantage in that respect either; Three, Finn's new
LTW IS an Impossible Want, so there's a fairly nice reward to go after it; Four, if I didn't get Christy 5
Top Level Businesses when it IS an Impossible Want, mainly because the Uglacy didn't have the
capital to really throw at it, and also the reasons listed above, why would I do it for you when it's not?
Enjoy your Permaplat and go make friends or something.
"Hey, Headmaster Inadvisable Mohawk, do you like our bathroom where we wash our dogs?"
"Wooo! I love your dog bathroom! Would you like to get into private school?"
"I'm pretty sure Dad wouldn't have called you here otherwise."
Final score was something like 106/90, and he didn't have dinner. Got 60 points from Kest greeting him in the big
glasses. I would love to know why that sometimes works and sometimes doesn't; Bana had maxed Charisma and
was platinum when she did it and it backfired, Kest had maxed Charisma and was a couple ticks into the gold when
he did it and got 60 Schmooze from a handshake.
Whatever, I don't even know that anyone got Aspiration points from this; I just like the fact that the Fun motive
doesn't decrease as fast with private school.
I got Wren and Raven in over at the Prettacy. Headmaster Inadvisable Mohawk appears to be susceptible to the big
"Remember what I said about your family, Finn. They need you. Now more than ever."
"I'm never gonna be you, Dad."
"You don't have to be. Just be a father."
"I'll try. I promise."
"Wren was right, Grandpa. This kind of sucks."
"It'll be okay. Just don't let anyone push you around, all right? You're a Vetinari; if there's pushing,
we'll be the ones doing it."
"Goodbye, Cory. Try not to antagonize your brother. And give your dad a break; he does his best."
"Do I have to eat the fish from his pants?"
Well, Larch? Any famous last words?
"Aaah. No one ever trots them out except for teenagers at high school debate tournaments."
You're pretty much going down in history as coining 'childrinions'. It seems to be a fan favorite.
"Really? People like 'childrinions'?"
It's got a certain Whedonesque charm.
"You're really putting off going to that next slide, aren't you?"
Yup. Does it show that much?
"I'll miss you too, you big nerdy omniscient voice."
"Come on, you bubble-blowing, booze-guzzling, bolty-wife-stealing surfer punk excuse for a Grim
Reaper. Give me that umbrella drink and get me out of here already; I haven't got all night."
"Chill, brah, we got all the time in the world."
"Call me 'brah' again and I'll kick your bony ass, you smelly hippie."
"Whoa, man. You're totally harshing my mellow. Dudette?"
He's all yours, Spicoli. Enjoy.
Larch Vetinari, Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir, achieved his LTW of reaching the top of Education, had ugly twins, Zee and
Finn, made a few enemies, and spent a lot of time shirtless, a lot of time making "grrr" faces, a whole lot of time
Making Out with Christy, and a lot of time with his family. He doted on his grandkids, Kest and Cory, and set in
motion a plan to save the Dualegacy from his Eeevil brother Cypress.
Larch lived 82 days plus a shot of Enemy Kevin, which makes it 87, I suppose. He left money to 14 people, including
$10K to Finn, $2500 to Kest, $1350 to Cory, and $330 to Spider Jerusalem.
Larch, you were like a pixellated, befauxhawked, half-naked Machiavelli. You milked that one nice point for all it was
worth, and you loved your family like nothing else. The most fitting epitaph I can give you is this: You made it
interesting, and I miss the hell out of you, buddy.
Oh, and try not to scare anyone to death. Pretty please?
Well, there it is--the last of the Gen 2 Platstones.
And, like the deaths of all people who lived larger-than-life, Larch's passing left some big ripples...
"Uh, Banyan? Sweetie? When did we get a creepy, glowing, smoking, skull-covered phone?"
"Dad? Uh, there's sort of a tombstone over your head."
"So there is. That can only mean one thing--my idiot brother's finally dead!"
"Hahahahahahahahaha! The Dualegacy is MINE to destroy! The only person who could have
possibly stopped me is a rotting corpse! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha!"
Keep it together, Spider Jerusalem. Keep. It. Together. If Dad thinks Uncle Larch was anything more than a face in the Family Tree, he'll kill you like he killed Jane.
I don't know what to do. I need someone to talk to. Anyone. But I've got no one. I'm on my own and I don't know if I can do it. I'm dead if I don't, but it's so hard to deal with Dad even with
someone on my side, and now...
He said it would be all right. Uncle Larch said things would work themselves out. He said you'd be okay.
I have to believe him. I have to. Uncle Larch was the only person since Cassidy who was nice to me and he wouldn't lie to me.
No! No. He was there for me when I needed a friend, he was more of a father to me than Dad will ever be, and he wouldn't lie to me. Not to me.
But he's not here anymore.
...I don't know if I can do this on my own...
You don't have a choice.
...Why do I have to be alone?
You're a Reaper child. You'll always be alone.
"The birdies are sad, Mommy."
"Why are you and your brothers sad?"
"Not us. The other birdies."
"Okay. Why are the other birdies sad?"
"Their tree was just felled, and now the future is uncertain."
Well, boss, this is it. The Prettacy's in my hands now. The Uglacy's still in yours, I guess. I wish
you'd told me that part of your plan.
I didn't think this would be so hard.
This one's for you, Larch. I sure hope you were right about this.
OK, so I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the most sentimental person around.
"You know who'd agree with you there? Only EVERYONE YOU'VE EVER MET!"
Hey, I'm sentimental about some stuff.
"Name three things you get all squishy about."
Um... Family, friends, and horses. Not necessarily in that order. Oh, and vacations to Ireland!
"And that trip involved what?"
Uh... Friends and horses. I see your point there.
"Yeah. Point is? We're not much given to emotional squishiness."
Well, somewhere in the charred, blackened, tarry coal-nugget I like to call a heart, there's a little warm squishy spot for my
Gen 2 Vetinaris. And that is why I have decided to give them a send-off worthy of the affection I have for them.
"This is going to be sappy, isn't it?"
Yeah, more or less.
Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it is
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did
And hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin
I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone, anything at all
Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
In the summer I can taste the salt in the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me
I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees the shadow behind your eyes
Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye.
I still love this picture of Larch! It's just so... Larch-y. Larchtastic. Larcheriffic. Larchalicious.
Choose whichever adjective you feel is appropriate.
Next time: Chapter 10--the teen years! Plus the big reveal of Larch and Sycamore's Master Plan
(and I know I keep saying that, and maybe this time it'll actually be true! Or, you know, something
shiny will distract me again), and the mystery behind Raven!