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The Vetinari Dualegacy Chapter 4

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In which there is fighting, romance, fighting, dating, and Eeevil.

In which there is fighting, romance, fighting, dating, and Eeevil.

Published in: Entertainment & Humor

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  • Transcript

    • 1. Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! If you're new to the game, I'm not really doing a recap here, so reading the other chapters first would probably be useful at this juncture. This is the Gen 2 college chapter, and up there is Gen 2 Uglacy heir Larch doing what he does best--Eeevil. He's the first one off to college, and out of the private school uniform and into... *snork* Oh God, it hurts when you snort water out of your nose. "What? What? It's bad, isn't it?" Hehehe. Nope. Not in the least. Mehehehehehehe. "I don't like the sound of that laugh." Bwahahahahahahahaha!
    • 2. "Seriously?" *snork* *hysterical laughter* "Can I go buy some new clothes now?" You have to do that anyway, but I don't have to change you into them. "You really wanna look at this for the next few semesters?" Honey, I horseback ride! Men in riding breeches: Must be Tuesday! And plus, I hear it's fun to stay at the YMCA! (YMCA-Ay!) "And this is funny to you?" Guy in riding breeches? No. YOU in riding breeches? An emphatic YES! "Look, can I just have some normal clothes?" But what will we do without your friends the police officer, the construction worker, the Indian Chief, the sailor, and--wait, was there a cowboy? I think there was a cowboy. Hehehehehehehe. "Don't make me say it." *sigh* Fine. But I think you could totally go In The Navy. *snork*
    • 3. "Now this is what I'm talking about! I'm Bringing Sexy Back, baby!" Never say that again. In fact, any references to boy bands or former boy band members will be dealt with with extreme prejudice. "Oh, but you can make Village People jokes?" That's different. I'm the Supreme Nerd. I can do whatever I want, unlike you, tiny pixellated man-slave. "Dad warned me about that." Well, just keep the place clear of cow mascots and I won't have the opportunity to make nearly as many man-slave jokes. Not like you'd have a problem with being mean to the cow mascots. I suppose stats would be useful at this point. Larch Vetinari, Gen 2 Vetinari Uglacy heir. Aries 10/10/9/3/1, Family, LTW reach the top of the education career. He's Eeevil. The larch (Larix europaea) is a mountain fir native to the Apennines and the Carpathians as well as Russia. It is distinguished by its deciduous foliage. It's also a favorite of Monty Python.
    • 4. "I'm Banyan! I'm awesome! I'm going to college! That's awesome!"
    • 5. Now, see, Larch, THIS is how you grow up into not-embarassing clothes. "That's because I'm awesome!" Yes, Bana. Yes you are.
    • 6. And still super-cute after the makeover! Banyan "Bana" Vetinari, Gen 2 Prettacy spare, Gemini 2/7/10/3/7, Popularity, LTW reach the top of the music career. The banyan (Ficus benghalensis), or "strangler fig", has seeds which germinate in cracks on a host tree. Older banyans have aerial prop roots which can grow into thick woody trunks capable of spreading out over a wide area, up to or over 2/3 of an acre.
    • 7. "Half-naked Smustle! Yessss!" "Larch, you are seriously weird. Let's be friends!" "Minions, yessss!" "I'm so glad I'm from the NORMAL branch of the family. I'm awesome!"
    • 8. Larch has a girlfriend! And she's not especially attractive! Christy Barthelet. Looks perhaps too much like PseudoBruty, though, but on the other hand, there is pretty much no effect of PseudoBruty on Larch and Cypress. If she's a Pleasure Sim, she's definitely out--I do believe I've had enough of them for the time being.
    • 9. "Wanna be my new Minion Girlfriend?" "What's a Minion Girlfriend?" "It's like a girlfriend... AND a minion!" "Is this like a package deal, or what?" "Well, I'm Eeevil, so, yeah, kinda." "I can deal with that."
    • 10. "I have been taking 'awesome' lessons from my cousin! C'mon, I'm awesome, right?" "Totally awesome!" She's a Fortune Sim! Extra-awesome!
    • 11. "Mmmm, minion smoochies. And this one's smarter than the last one. Awesome! ...Man, I have GOT to stop talking to Banyan."
    • 12. Cypress is ready for his close-up. As long as it's an Eeevil close-up. He's also ready for college.
    • 13. "Hah! I beat my brother in something, that's for sure!" So you heard about the breeches, eh? "Everybody heard about the breeches."
    • 14. He liked this makeover better. "Darn tooting, missy!" That's Supreme Nerd to you, pal, unless you want to try rocking a mullet. Cypress "Cy" Vetinari, Gen 2 Uglacy spare. Aries 10/10/9/3/1 (First-Born Effect of Larch), Knowledge, LTW reach the top of the journalism career. He's also Eeevil. He doesn't know about the Legacies yet, and has no idea that Larch is the heir. The cypress (Cupressus sempervirens) is native to the eastern Mediterranean and is a long-lived evergreen tree with a conic crown with level branches.
    • 15. Larch (in best Seinfeld voice): "Cypress." Cy (in best Newman voice): "Larch." Larch: "Finally made it to college, I see." Cy: "Yeah, and I notice that my Number One Minion is here and yours isn't." Larch: "Your Number One Minion and I bonded over Smustle the other day."
    • 16. Cy: "Nice fauxhawk. You know, a badass hairstyle doesn't make you Eeevil." Larch: "Yeah, I know. The Eeevil makes me Eeevil. The fauxhawk's just cool." Cy: "Says you."
    • 17. Larch: "Cy, we don't have to fight. As long as you realize and accept my Eeevil supremacy, we can work together to take over the world." Cy: "Never happen. You're not more Eeevil than me. I'm so Eeevil I had to be forced into kissing a girl I had a two-bolt attraction for! And I hear YOU'VE got a girlfriend. SO not Eeevil."
    • 18. Cy: "He's been hitting the bubbles, right? No way is he more Eeevil than me!" Larch: "What? Sorry, something shiny distracted me." Cy: "See?" Larch: "Seriously! It was shiny and potentially Eeevil." Cy: "And could you make him put a shirt on already?"
    • 19. "Hey, you're pretty awesome, Banyan!" "I know! Super awesome, Drake! You're fairly awesome too!"
    • 20. "You're so awesome, I can't stop thinking about you!" "I know. Everyone says that. It's awesome!" Her rolling Popularity almost makes up for Isaac and Juniper rolling Pleasure. Almost.
    • 21. Larch joins the Llama Cult much like he does everything else--half-naked, with a vaguely sullen expression on his face. I swear, you'd think he doesn't own a shirt.
    • 22. "Stink makes mean neat freak angry!"
    • 23. "I hate you, Larch Vetinari!" "Like I care, loser? One nice point, buddy! You poke me, I poke back and make you cry!" I don't even know what Enemy Kevin did to precipitate this. I left Larch alone to get Banyan and Cy in bed before they passed out, and when I got back to Larch, he was making "grrr"-face at Enemy Kevin. Larch went from "Met Kevin" to "Made Enemies with Kevin" in the space of about three Sim hours. I think he is sad about the fact that he can apparently no longer dole out the noogies.
    • 24. Happily, Larch CAN influence the cow mascot to play pranks on Enemy Kevin.
    • 25. OH NO YOU DI'IN'T! Cow mascot just made Bana cry! Where the heck is one of my meanies? NO ONE makes Bana cry. I like her; she's my only non-clone personality. Side note, cow mascot appears to be a hermaphrodite. Its name is Chloe LeTourneau, but I watched it walk out of the men's bathroom.
    • 26. "Leave my Number One Minion alone, Larch! She's on my side, not yours, and nothing you can do will change that!" "Stop deluding yourself. Banyan's too nice to be Eeevil."
    • 27. Larch: "What's your deal, anyway? You could at least be targeting remotely Eeevil minions. No offense, Bana." Bana: "It's cool. Hey, is that chili? Awesome!" Cy: "Only eat it if it's Eeevil chili, minion!" Bana: "Whatever. I'm hungry."
    • 28. "Don't you dare try to steal my minion. I mean it. I'll come down on you like a ton of bricks, brother."
    • 29. "That still doesn't scare me! I can't give you noogies, but I can kick your scrawny butt--just ask Enemy Kevin. If you really want to go toe-to-toe with me, FINE! I can promise you'll end up on the ground."
    • 30. Sycamore wants to beat something up too. She doesn't care what. Might as well turn her loose on the cow mascots!
    • 31. Juniper thinks she's hot. Hopefully her future hubby will too. Time to go introduce her to her intended!
    • 32. Not a bad outfit in general. Just bad for her.
    • 33. And June is following the Larch Vetinari scheme for Growing Up In Weird Clothes.
    • 34. "I like it!" I'm glad. Sycamore "Cami" Vetinari, Gen 2 Prettacy spare. Aries 10/10/9/3/3, Pleasure, LTW to be a Professional Party Guest. I'll change her aspiration after her sophomore year. She's a spare, and Pleasure Sims with three playful points are miserable creatures. The sycamore (Ficus sycamorus) is a species of fig with heart-shaped leaves native to Africa. Some sarcophaguses are made of sycamore wood.
    • 35. "So where's this guy I've heard so much about?" Your patience will be rewarded. Juniper "June" Vetinari, Gen 2 Prettacy heir. Aries 5/6/6/3/5, Pleasure, LTW to reach the top of the Gamer career. I'm keeping her aspiration, because it won't take much to get her Permaplat, and then I don't have to fiddle with the 500-point wants that make Pleasure Sims annoying. The juniper (Juniperus communis) is tall conifer in the Cupressaceae family. Juniper berries are a spice used in a wide variety of cuisines.
    • 36. "Trust me, my cousin loves guys with facial hair." " 'Ave you done zis before?" "No, but how hard could it be?" Four makeovers, people. Even Isaac got it right on his first try. Mean Sims give crappy makeovers?
    • 37. "So zis is ze cousin you spoke of?" "Yup. That's her. And if you don't have a bolt or two, I'll eat that makeover chair. I might do that anyway, just so I don't have to give anyone a makeover ever, ever again."
    • 38. Larch: My work here is done. Ingratiate yourself with my cousin and Prettacy heir, minion! Stephan: "So good to meet you after all I 'ave 'eard." June: "Likewise."
    • 39. "Yowza!" Wow. Mucho heart-farts for Stephan by Juniper. I love it when a plan comes together.
    • 40. "Isn't college awesome, Cy? So many people to make friends with! It's awesome!" "Yes, Number One Minion Bana, the opportunity to recruit minions is unparalleled." "You and your minions! Give it a rest already! That is sooooo high school."
    • 41. "I mean, honestly, Cy, you'll have to let the minion thing go if you're the heir. I'm so glad it's June and not me; I'd rather be rich and throw awesome parties than move back home and pop out some kids! June wanted to be the heir. I think it suits her soooo much better than me or Cami."
    • 42. "You've lost me. Heir?"
    • 43. "Well, yeah, silly! Legacy heir! We're Generation 2 of a ten-generation challenge started by our dads. The heir moves back home and has kids, and the spares get to live high on the hog and do whatever! Only my dad started a Prettacy, so June has to marry someone cute, and your dad started an Uglacy, so his heir will have to marry someone ugly. You really didn't know all this?"
    • 44. "No. Your father told you this? I wonder why Dad never said anything to me. But it's got to be me or Larch? I want it to be me, obviously. I could do some real Eeevil with another eight generations behind me."
    • 45. "But, Cy, you won't be there for it. No cheats, no Elixir of Life, just have kids and die! It's an honor to be chosen, but the spares more or less live forever. If June's lucky, she'll live to see Gen 4." "I don't care. I don't want Larch to get it."
    • 46. "Wait--I think he might know. We had an argument once and he said something about me being a copy of him. With this Legacy thing, that could be interpreted as him claiming his right to be heir."
    • 47. "Excuse me, minion. I need to speak to my brother."
    • 48. "Larch, I just had an interesting conversation with Banyan. College is proving to be very educational." "That's sort of the point, isn't it? And what sort of awesome knowledge did our cousin impart to you today?" "She told me about a little thing called a Legacy."
    • 49. "Did she now?" "She seemed to think I'd know all about it." "Really?"
    • 50. "I think YOU know all about it, Larch." "Do I?"
    • 51. "Yes! I think you do! And I think you're going to use that First-Born Effect thing to try and convince Dad to make you the heir!" "Now wait just a minute..." "No! You don't get to try and talk your way out of this one! I have just as much right to be heir as you do! We should both get the chance to plead our respective cases to Dad."
    • 52. "There's no need for that, Cy."
    • 53. "What are you talking about? I still have a chance."
    • 54. "No, Cy, you don't. Dad's already made his choice. And it's me, not you."
    • 55. "YOU? Why you?" "Because we're both Eeevil, but I'm Eeevil and Family. I'll want to protect my childrinions from you. You're Knowledge; you wouldn't care about keeping your family safe from me. It was the only logical choice." "I refuse to accept that! There must be something I can do, and I will find it and take you down!"
    • 56. "AND PUT A FUCKING SHIRT ON!!"
    • 57. "Well, that conversation went about as well as I expected. Whom to take my frustrations out on?"
    • 58. "I'm the only one who walks around here without a shirt on, Enemy Kevin!"
    • 59. "Take that, Enemy Kevin!" "Kick his pasty butt, Larch! I may loathe you, but I love a good fight!"
    • 60. "Hah! I am triumphant once more, Enemy Kevin! Now go put some clothes on and stop trying to ape my cool shirtless look!"
    • 61. Hah! I called this one! "Lalalala, hot tubbing with my cousin, her boyfriend, and some random dormie!" Aren't you forgetting something? "Nope!"
    • 62. "Lalalala, hot tubbing with my brother, my cousin, and her boyfriend!" I don't even know why Larch is talking about fried eggs here. There are so many possibilities running through my head right now, and none of them is printable.
    • 63. "Er, guys? Could you maybe put some pants on? Naked hot tubbing is NOT AWESOME, and you're kind of ooging out Drake."
    • 64. In case you were wondering, yes, Sycamore does too. And sits in there ALL DAY, freaking out anyone who walks outside.
    • 65. "Stephan, you're pretty hot. Larch was right about you. We have more bolts than my parents had when they were our age." "I find myself enchanted by you as well."
    • 66. And this is what Sycamore in the hot tub does to innocent victims. June's getting all crush-y on Stephan here (and he returned the crush, I just missed the hearts), at the same time she's recoiling from the horror of her twin sister in the hot tub sans swimsuit.
    • 67. Larch and Christy christen the hot tub. She'll be my Uglacy spouse. They have one bolt now; I'm sure I can squeeze at least one more out if I tweak their Turnons.
    • 68. "A little warning next time, cherie!" "Pleasure Sims don't do warning!" Or roll date-related wants on dates, apparently. Isaac may be date-crazy, but at least he rolls wants relating to the person he's dating when he's on them, unlike June and Cami. Right now, June wants to gain a skill point (three playful points again), influence someone to clean, influence someone to garden, and go on three first dates. Poor Stephan's panel is all full of June, and she doesn't even fear anything bad happening to him.
    • 69. Come on, how cute are they? I started Isaac and Orson at Academie Le Tour, but then I remembered how adorable this guy's kids were in my custom 'hood and wanted him in my Prettacy, so I switched Gen 2 to Sim State for the sole purpose of breeding him in. His name's Stephan Wren; he's a Virgo Knowledge Sim, and they have some bolt-y goodness. I'll probably call him Remington more than once, because that's his name in my custom 'hood. Stephan just seems French to me. I don't know why.
    • 70. Bana and Drake Gothier are the second couple to take the hot tub for a spin. He looks like Stephan, which is a little weird, but on the other hand, I only need to marry the Stephan/Remington face in once, so Bana can have this one. Plus, you gotta go with the bolts.
    • 71. Bolts like Cami has for Malcolm Landgraab IV here. Two big, fat, shiny lightning bolts. They went from friends to best friends with one Bust A Move, and from best friends to crush/love in two Sweet Talks. I can only imagine what sort of nose their eventual spawn will have.
    • 72. "Hey, Supreme Nerd?" Yes, June? "Is Larch still heart-farting Malcolm Landgraab?" Ick. Yes. Larch? Wherefore the heart-farting Malcolm Landgraab? "He's an attractive man. I'm not ashamed to admit that." OK, first, that's your minion's boyfriend. Second, you have a girlfriend. GIRLfriend. Third, have you actually even met him? "I've heard stories." And you wonder why I make Village People jokes. On the plus side, at least you're dressed.
    • 73. "When my brother told you to put a shirt on, he didn't mean for you to raid my closet, stinky!" "Hey, I was wearing this before you even got here!" "Don't care!" Er, Cy, you might not wanna do that. "If he's good enough to be Larch's enemy, then he's good enough to be MY enemy!" Not what I meant, but you go do what you gotta do.
    • 74. Right about now, I'm wondering how many Body points Enemy Kevin has. Because I know that Cypress only has one.
    • 75. Turns out Enemy Kevin has more than one. "Ow--but Larch beat him twice!" Larch has maxed Body, Cy. You might wanna hit up the gym before taking on Enemy Kevin again. "I'll wipe that smug look right off his face!" Just keep telling yourself that. The next day, Eeevil little Knowledge Sim Cypress rolls wants to See Kevin's Ghost, Make Kevin a Zombie, and Drink Kevin. I've NEVER had a Sim roll a want to Drink someone before. Who's my little sociopath? Come on, who's my little sociopath? YOU ARE!
    • 76. The llama mascot pranked Larch. That was a very, very bad idea. When Larch starts making "Muahahahaha" face, a fight is imminent. "This is for making Bana cry!" That was the cow mascot. "Whatever, one idiot in a suit is as good as another."
    • 77. Llama mascot decides to run for cover--to Cypress's room. Yeah, maybe not the best choice. "What the--can't a guy get a nap around here without being stalked by some crazy mascot?" "Sorry, Cy, he pranked me. You know what that means." "Oh, well, in that case, just take it outside and try to keep it down."
    • 78. Llama mascot does not have 10 Body. Good to know.
    • 79. And then Larch goes and picks a fight with Enemy Kevin--that's the third fight with Enemy Kevin, and the second fight in an hour. Notice Larch eyeing Llama Mascot for another go-round.
    • 80. Hey, since when do we have a cowplant?
    • 81. "Ransacked the Llama Cult. Stole their career rewards. Figured I could feed my enemies to the cowplant." That's devious of you. "Hey--Eeevil."
    • 82. June and Stephan get the big red hearts. Finally.
    • 83. And then they go for the hot tub trifecta. Because June is a crappy Pleasure Sim, she gets exactly zero aspiration points for this, but Stephan gets loads, so she'll get whatever bonus comes from a Dream Date, which is not nearly as many as WooHoo with Stephan/First WooHoo with Stephan would have been. FYI, serious Pleasure Sims SUCK. She did roll Get Engaged to Stephan, though. That's locked until she needs a boost.
    • 84. Cami's not doing so badly in the romance department herself. The power of a two-bolt relationship is amazing to behold. I moved them off to the hot tub, where it turns out Malcolm is too uptight to be seen with naked Cami, so I was forced to move to Plan B.
    • 85. We now own a photo booth! I hate that these dorm rooms are too small for double beds. The cheering llama makes me giggle. Also, you'd think a guy in a red Speedo wouldn't be shy about hot tub nudity, but apparently so. Unlike June, Cami got loads of points for the First WooHoo with Malcolm/WooHoo with Malcolm. She's Platinum for the next, like, thirty seconds. Hasn't rolled the Want to get engaged yet, although he has. Ah well--only one more semester of her as a Pleasure Sim.
    • 86. Now who put this here? Enemy Kevin: "Mmmm, surpriiiiiise caaaaake." It's like a magic trick! Now you see him...
    • 87. ... now you don't! I think I will call her Brunhilde.
    • 88. "Boss, it's almost time for the sophomore year Aspiration swap. Any suggestions?"
    • 89. "Family, Number One Minion. There's nothing more important than family. Except for Eeevil, and that's not one of the options." "Family, huh, boss? Can do! Anything else I need to know?" "Well, I'll be graduating soon, and you'll be on your own here. Just remember not to leave any of our stuff behind, okay? You never know when certain things will come in handy." "Like what?" "Oh... just things..."
    • 90. Cy's the last one to get his first WooHoo with Jane Stacks. She fell in love with him several minutes ago, but Everyone's Favorite Sociopath just had to be difficult. Jane also rolled the want to get engaged to him, but he hasn't rolled that yet. Knowing him, he probably won't.
    • 91. Shortly thereafter: "This is for trying to kick my butt!" "Gah! Now I have to clean up the leaves AND a pee puddle! But 3000 Aspiration for seeing a ghost, so, yay!" Up until now, Enemy Kevin has been the lamest ghost ever. He hasn't even been inside yet. Mostly he just floats around waving his arms over his head with the Family Aspiration symbol in his thought bubble. And he's Knowledge, not Family, so that's a little perplexing.
    • 92. "Christy, I love you and I want you to be the one to help me raise my childrinions!" "Yes! Absolutely! Wait, what's a childrinion?" "Children minions. Childrinions!" Final tally: Larch graduates with a 4.0. He joined the llama cult for the sole purpose of stealing their career rewards. He won one fight with a llama mascot. He won four fights with Kevin (I could have sworn it was only three, but the memories rarely lie--I must have missed one!), and then cowplanted him with his pilfered cowplant. He made scads of friends, and maxed all his skills (too bad he's not Knowledge, where that would actually matter). And he got engaged to Christy. Congratulations, Larch--now get the hell out!
    • 93. "You're the awesomest, Drake!" Banyan graduates, and somehow manages to change out of her cap and gown. I hold out hope that she will eventually want to get engaged to Drake. Final tally: Bana graduates with a 4.0. She didn't get into any fights, but the cow mascot did make her cry once, and there was a telescope incident with Lisa Ramirez. I honestly don't know how many friends she has. Lots. She's wanted to make friends with everyone she's ever met, and usually manages to do so. She maxed two skills, which isn't bad for a Popularity Sim. And she'll be taking a Stephan/Remington clone out of the gene pool. Yay, Bana! Now don't let the door hitcha where Will Wright splitcha!
    • 94. What's this? Eeevil Cypress the Neighborhood Sociopath crying because he got poked? *sniffle siffle* "She poked me really hard!" Have you been channeling Banyan? You have ONE Nice point, you don't CRY! "You have a point. Time to act like myself again."
    • 95. "Hah! I won a fight!" Uh, yeah, against some dormie chick. Not exactly something to be proud of. "Whatever, I kicked some butt!" "Whooooo! Go Cypress! She refuses to make best friends with me; show her who's boss!"
    • 96. "Yes, I'll hold." Cy? What are you doing? "You need a placeholder, right? And then I got to thinking that maybe what Larch did to poor Kevin was a bit unfair." That's unexpectedly benevolent of you. "Hi, Death? Yeah, I'd like to resurrect Kevin. How much? Will one shiny dime do it?" Cypress, you did NOT just do what I think you did.
    • 97. "Hehehehehe." No joke, what he did after this was make "Oh no!" face, followed immediately by "grrrr" face, and then he grinned (grinned!) and walked away.
    • 98. "You did WHAT to Enemy Kevin, Cypress?" "Totally zombified!" "Sweet!" "Yeah, and you're next, brother." "You'll have to kill me first." "I'm OK with that." Final tally: Cypress graduates with a 4.0. He's got 5 maxed skills and a handful of friends, or in sociopath parlance, "People I haven't beat up and/or made zombies of yet." He lost one fight to Kevin and tried unsuccessfully to beat up a cow mascot. Dormie Lisa made him cry once, and he beat her up. He has a girlfriend, although, like his mother, he rolls exactly zero wants related to her. He tried to turn Banyan to the Dark Side, but she had none of it, and he made a zombie out of Enemy Kevin. You go, Cypress! No, seriously. Go.
    • 99. "Urk. Really? Hoochie dress?" Final tally: Sycamore graduates with a 4.0. She made loads of friends, and despite her three nice points, didn't get into any fights or make any enemies. She kept the girls' bathroom sparkling clean, and maxed 2 skills. She switched from Pleasure to Family after sophomore year, and wants to have 6 grandkids. She snagged Bluewater Village's Most Eligible Bachelor, Malcolm Landgraab IV, even if she has no desire to get engaged to him. Woot Sycamore! You don't have to go home but you can't stay here!
    • 100. "Stephan, marry me and let's make beautiful, beautiful babies!" "Of course ze answer is yes!" Final tally: Juniper graduates with a 4.0. She maximized two skills (not bad for a Pleasure Sim). Didn't get into any fights or make any enemies, but did manage to make a bunch of friends, and get engaged to Stephan. Hooray Juniper! Now move your butt back home and let's get started on Gen 3! Next time: It's weddings, babies, and funerals when Larch, June, and their spouses kick off the third generation of the Dualegacy.