The Vetinari Dualegacy Chapter 17


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In which there are romances, angry faces, people in llama jackets, and ninjas.

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The Vetinari Dualegacy Chapter 17

  1. 1. Welcome back to the Vetinari Dualegacy! This is Chapter 17: Welcome to the Jungle. Last time, Gen 5 finished getting old and Gen 6 headed to college. Cypress revealed Step 1 in his latest plot--a seedy bar in the middle of nowhere. And Cassidy finally reached the bottom of his downward spiral, to his own detriment and much to the horror of Spider Jerusalem. And now, the Gen 6 college years begin!
  2. 2. It's back to the family fraternity, where Cam and Jordan have been placeholding for a generation. Cam is still gay, and Rizzo and Archie are Romance Sims. Yes, Archie is now a Romance Sim. He's the one in the tats--that's not what he grew up in, but I couldn't stand to see him in the sweater. I'll still buy him clothes when he moves into Havelock House.
  3. 3. "Mind if I Influence you to Clean?" "Yes." "Only you're a Pledge." "Try it. I dare you." "Never mind. Help yourself to some pizza." "Wise choice."
  4. 4. "You wanna be friends, Reed?" "Sure, I guess so." "And then we can be Best Friends?" "Okay." "And then I can never roll Wants for you again." "So I'm shameless Aspiration fodder?" "You all right with that?" "Yup."
  5. 5. "Cam! Stop breaking the trash compactor!" "But that implies I've done it more than once." "Don't care! Don't do it again!" "Now see, that's more reasonable."
  6. 6. "Yes! Paper beats rock, loser! Score one for Archie!" "Have you ever heard of being a sore winner?" "Would you rather I be a sore loser?" "How about just not being sore?" "Say what now?"
  7. 7. Cam and Jordan finally found something to lure Archie into sticking around long enough to finish up his pledge period, and he moved in.
  8. 8. "You know the ladies love a bad boy." I cannot argue with that. Archimedes "Archie" Vetinari, Gen 6 Uglacy spare, is a Sagittarius 2/7/8/10/1 Romance Sim with the LTW to be a Hall of Famer, although it's sort of a moot point since he's Permaplat from Max 7 Skills from his teen tenure as a Knowledge Sim. Some one-nice-pointers don't act like it. Archie does. Archimedes of Syracuse (287 BC-212 BC) is possibly the leading scientist in antiquity, and one of the greatest mathematicians of all time. He characterized Archimedes' Principle, which is that a body immersed in fluid experiences a buoyant force equal to the weight of the displaced fluid.
  9. 9. "VATTA SU LA GORN! VATTA SU LA BRONK! VATTA BABY OBA ABBY DONK DONK DONK! GERBITS! GERBITS! VOOOO GERBITS!" "Well, that's fucking obnoxious." "VATTA SU LA GORN! VATTA SU LA BRONK!" "If the words 'Vo gerbits!' come out of your mouth again, I will see how far I can punt that llama head. Taking it off first is optional." "...Gerbits?"
  10. 10. "Why are you trying to touch me? Don't touch me!" "I like making friends." "I don't hug!"
  11. 11. "You smell bad." "Yes I do." "You gonna shower?" "Nope." "Alrighty then."
  12. 12. It's OK, though. Archie's not the only smelly one, RIZZO.
  13. 13. With Archie safely in residence, Cam and Jordan graduate. "Rocky! I graduated! Now I can move out and come live with you and we can do three-bolt stalking nonstop and... ...Mom, did you just heart-fart my boyfriend?" "Let's just say no." StyxLady writes Just Another Legacy.
  14. 14. SimNerd gets her Smustle on with Styx and Georgia, plus the llama mascot, Reed, and Jordan.
  15. 15. Cam and Rocky mostly did this, interspersed with Pillow Fighting.
  16. 16. When Cam's party was over, Jordan threw his party. Billy immediately hunted down Chad for some Red Hands action, which annoyed Michelle, as she was unable to Make Out with Chad when he was occupied with Billy.
  17. 17. There was more Smustle fun to be had; this time, Wren managed to pull himself away from the karaoke machine, and ended up Meeting a few New Someones.
  18. 18. "I'm mean and a Romance Sim." "If I say 'ooh baby,' do I get to live?" "Hey, I'm always nice to SimSelves. Very nice to SimSelves." Stacielee writes Whedonberry.
  19. 19. And any doubt that Archie is suited to Romance is extinguished. Just look at that swagger! Yes, that is Billy Smustling by himself. He never wanted to do a Group Smustle, but as soon as everyone else stopped, he started. Jordan's party was a good one, and he headed back to Riverblossom Hills in an outfit that I am sure he is glad I am not revealing here.
  20. 20. "Rocky!" "I missed you too, Cam." Please feed the dog. The dog is hungry.
  21. 21. "So I know we're both Knowledge Sims and don't really care about getting married, but my mom's freaking out and Wants a relative to get engaged, and it's sure as heck not gonna be Jordan, so whaddaya say?" "Far be it for me to prevent a Family Sim from getting easy Aspiration."
  22. 22. "Do you, like, wanna get married, too?" "I could take it or leave it." Well, I say I didn't download that Marriage For All hack for nothing, so start working those phones, boys!
  23. 23. "There's a lot I could say, but I'll stick to 'I'm really glad you kissed me that day'."
  24. 24. "I'm just glad you didn't freak out when I kissed you."
  25. 25. Cam and Rocky's old college crowd made the ceremony. Nolan just sort of popped in (he's the redhead between Indy and Dora's heads). Styx was playing Fetch with Jesse, SimNerd was trying to convince Kestrel that his mother and brother are dead, and Wren couldn't be bothered to stop swinging. Oh, and Crazy Gay Huggy Servo is behind Jordan, and kept heart-farting Indy.
  26. 26. Cam and Rocky put their motive boost from the honeymoon to good use...
  27. 27. more ways than one. "Couldn't I have changed out of my underpants first?"
  28. 28. "Oooh, me next!" NO.
  29. 29. "...I feel so violated."
  30. 30. "Wooooo! My husband got anally probed by aliens! That's the best thing ever!" Lemme at 'em! Jesse the alien-chomper is what they used to call me!
  31. 31. The next day, Jordan goes Permaplat and comes home with Flavius Marius to the delight of them both. Flavius Marius is from Ten Caesars.
  32. 32. "You're knocked up with an alien! That's the best thing ever!" "I'm more concerned with where it's coming out." "Plumbbob, duh."
  33. 33. And shortly, we get Niobe. Survey says: Custom skin trumps alien green. Custom eyes trump alien black. Alien no-nose trumps Stabby Death Nose.
  34. 34. Niobe's a Pisces 6/0/10/0/9. But Daddy and Daddy and Uncle Jordan should be able to Encourage a few outgoing and playful points into her.
  35. 35. Back at the Academie, Tolly finishes up his pledge period with a cup-smash to the head.
  36. 36. "Can I have an expensive bar now?" Not yet, hun. I don't start deleting those from inventory until you start with the worryhands. Ptolemaeus "Tolly" Vetinari, Gen 6 Prettacy spare, is a Gemini 2/9/9/7/4 Fortune Sim with the LTW to be Chief of Staff, which I re-rolled when he got to Havelock House, since I do not have the patience to do 5 Top Level Businesses with a spare. The historical Ptolemaeus wrote several treatises important to European and Islamic science, including ones on astronomy, geography, and astrology, and invented a way to predict planetary orbits.
  37. 37. I had Tolly Wish for Friends so he could get that Big Sim on Campus memory. He gets a hippie, a Llama Cult girl, and Do-Rag Goopy. "Whatever. Buy me something expensive now." I said no!
  38. 38. "SimSelf?" "Oh yeah." "Any problems with being shamelessly used for Aspiration points?" "By you? None whatsoever." "Win." Orikes writes the Pseudo Legacy.
  39. 39. "I have more tattoos, you know. Perhaps I could show you them sometime?" "How about now? ...Crap, it's 2am and I have to leave." "Come back any time. Bring friends. SimSelf friends."
  40. 40. It's not just SimSelves, either. The hired help is not immune from Archie's depredations. "So, you just made my bed, huh? How 'bout you help me get it messy again?" "But then I'd have to make it all over again." "And the problem would be what, exactly?" "I have to go clean the showers now." "I hope you don't mind if I decide to go take one. Let me know if you see anything you like."
  41. 41. "Hey, Archie, isn't your brother around here somewhere?" "Xander? Yeah, he's doing my term paper, I think." "No, your other brother." "Eddie? He's at the Academie, if that's what you mean." "Are you going to invite him over?" "He wants to see us, he knows where we are." Eddie is indeed at the Academie, although he's not really interested in an education...
  42. 42. Right. Haven't seen any llama-jackets wander by the house yet. Time to go out looking. If they really are like the Secret Society Mom was in at Sim State, they'll have a Bone Phone. And if they have one, I can use it. I can bring her back.
  43. 43. "Nice jacket you have there. I'm Eddie. Eddie Landgraab. You may have heard of my father." "Malcolm Landgraab IV? The richest guy in Bluewater Village?" "He's the one. I'm told those jackets are a sign of a secret society of sorts..." "You'd be right about that." "...So why do you wear them in public?" "It's no fun being in a secret society if no one knows you're in a secret society, duh." "So, uh, what do I have to do to get into your club?" "Well, we have to vet you, of course. I'm Alicia, by the way. Look, I see Cale over there; why don't you go have a chat with him?"
  44. 44. "You must be Cale. I'm Eddie Landgraab. Alicia sent me over." "Interested in getting a llama jacket, are you?" "You could say that. My mother was in your sister society at Sim State. Sycamore Vetinari Landgraab." "You're a Vetinari and a Landgraab? The two most well-respected names in Riverblossom Hills." "If by 'well-respected' you mean 'wealthy,' then, yes." "Hmmm... Go home. I'll send one of us by." "All right."
  45. 45. "You must be the person Cale sent over. Eddie Landgraab." "Is that supposed to impress me? Waving your father's money in my face won't make me grovel at your feet. Maybe that works for Cale and Alicia, but not me." "Uh..." "Sorry to have thrown you off your sales pitch." "Oh, I highly doubt that." "What can I say? Guilty as charged."
  46. 46. "Listen, uh..." "Meadow." "Meadow. The truth is, my mom had a llama jacket when she was in college. She died when I was a kid, and I really want to follow in her footsteps. It'd mean a lot to me, getting into the secret society. I guess maybe I was a jerk throwing my name around like that. But this is really important to me, and I'd hate for that jerkiness to ruin my chances."
  47. 47. "Look, Meadow, you can forgive me, right? I mean, I'm a decent guy who just made a bit of a mistake. This is... It's my mom. It'd mean a lot to me if you'd see your way clear to letting me in." "You are not as charming as you think you are." "Does that mean 'insufficiently charming,' or have I still got a chance here?" "That remains to be seen. You might want to stay home tonight, just in case."
  48. 48. "Uh... Can I get a shirt on first?" "Nope. Face the wall, and hands behind the back, buddy."
  49. 49. Just a little longer, Mom.
  50. 50. "Hey, uh, you look like you've been here for a while. How 'bout giving me the tour? I'm the new guy, Eddie Landgraab." "The name's Phoenix." "...That like a code name or something?" "Why would that be a code name?" "...No reason. So what about that tour?" "Games to the left. Kitchen to the right. Toilets upstairs." "I heard you have Career Rewards here. We never had any at the mansion; I'd love to see them." "Whatever."
  51. 51. "Here you go. Room of Career Rewards. Happy?" "Sure. So what's that over there?"
  52. 52. "That? Bone Phone. Brings people back from the dead. We have a cowplant, so it's always a good idea to have one around."
  53. 53. "How does it work? You just pick it up and ask for the person you want back?" "Well, you can only bring back college students here. To bring anyone else back, you'd have to go back to Riverblossom Hills. And you can't cheap out, either, or else you get zombies, and that's generally regarded as a bad thing." "Good to know." "Whatever. Can I go eat some ramen now?" "Sure. Thanks."
  54. 54. So I'd have to go back home to use this thing? I can't just make the call from here? That means I'd need to have it in my possession when I move back to Bluewater Village. If I take it now, they'll know it was me. I'll have to hold off. It's been so long already... I can wait a little longer. Or maybe... Maybe I don't have to take it myself...
  55. 55. This is the house containing Cy's accidental abduction spawn Billy, former custom Townie Reed, and Cam and Jordan's sister Georgia. Billy quite enjoys his ten playful points. Being a Pleasure Sim, he also wants a date, and I like him, so he gets a date. And who should TJ's Crystal Ball decide is perfect for Billy?
  56. 56. "You're not Captain Jack." "I'm Billy!" "You're not Captain Jack." "Wanna pillow fight?" "...Yeah, all right." EphemeralToast writes the Ugothlacy.
  57. 57. "What? No, Reed's at class. ...Uh, Toastie? You're kinda close there." "You have a nose." "I do have a nose." "I like aliens with noses. Especially when they have nice points." "...I'll tell Reed to call you back."
  58. 58. "Toast? Why did that hurt?" "No one hides the rum in the couch cushions any more!"
  59. 59. Meanwhile, I decide to let Fee and Reed rekindle their relationship. Hopefully this will also keep Reed from yielding to Georgia's come-ons.
  60. 60. Doesn't take but one Flirt and a Romantic Kiss, and they're back in love.
  61. 61. "Wanna get a massive dose of Aspiration points?" "That sounds lovely."
  62. 62. These two really are cute together, and three-bolt stalky.
  63. 63. Meanwhile, Gordon the Llama Mascot decides to give Billy the traditional greeting of his kind.
  64. 64. Billy did not appreciate the llama's unique culture.
  65. 65. The llama was annoyed by Billy's intolerance of his ethnic traditions, and made his displeasure clear.
  66. 66. Billy allowed as to how his response may have been inappropriate, but did not think that it warranted physical violence.
  67. 67. The llama disagreed.
  68. 68. Billy attempted to communicate with the llama in its own language.
  69. 69. Heartened by Billy's willingness to reach across the table, the llama mascot engaged him in a lively debate.
  70. 70. However, he finally admitted that Billy had made a valid point, and agreed to vacate the premises.
  71. 71. Billy called up Toast to bolster his spirits, and scored his First Kiss. They have three bolts of Pleasure Sim chemistry. This kiss also got them in Crush. And then...
  72. 72. "Oh, hey, SimSelf! I'm Archie. The Archie." "Meet Someone New +1000!" "Archie! My SimSelf! You do not get all the SimSelves!" "...Is that Desperate Boyfriendless Family Sim I smell? Gotta run!" Billy actually had options to Fight... Attack and Buy Off for $50, even though this is the first time he'd met Archie. I will leave you to form your own opinions as to why. Oh, and if you're wondering why there are no shots of Georgia here, it's because she kept stalking Reed and Billy and I ended up busting Crushes between her and them with InSim, and she was ticking me off.
  73. 73. Anyway, this is the guy I found for Georgia. Er, the guy in the sweater, not the Cow Mascot. In the Alpha 'hood, he was Kennedy Zhang, and was one of the few guys Cassidy ever rolled Wants to date more than once, and was one of the few guys who ever slapped Cassidy more than once when he caught him cheating. His name is Sheldon Corsillo now, and you know what?
  74. 74. I think he'll fit right in.
  75. 75. There does seem to be quite the infestation of Mascots this time around. "GERBITS! GERBITS! VOOOO GERBITS!" "Hey! Dumbass! I'm pretty sure I said no more 'Vo gerbits!' around here."
  76. 76. "You have annoyed me for the last time, Llama." "Vo. Gerbits."
  77. 77. "I'll vo your gerbits, all right."
  78. 78. "Bring it."
  79. 79. "Woooo! Go Archie! See if you can steal its wallet!" This is the Llama that picked on Billy, so I'm justified in making Archie pick a fight with it. The Llama spent several days kicking over Billy's trash can, but I haven't seen it back at Havelock House since this particular night. Apparently, you CAN teach a dumb Llama new tricks.
  80. 80. "And stay out!"
  81. 81. "Archie." "Xander." "Can I move in now or what? Because there's this one Dormie who smells really, really bad, and he keeps following me all over the dorm." "Well, I won't be able to squeeze another free term paper out of you, so just pick an empty bedroom." Could these two look any more dissimilar? Coloring aside, you'd never guess they were brothers. The only common feature I can see between them is their mouth.
  82. 82. "Look, just make the 'chimp' joke and get it over with." But I can't choose just one! Anaximander "Xander" Vetinari, Gen 6 Uglacy heir, is a Taurus 7/7/5/10/7 Family Sim with the LTW to have 6 Grandkids. There are some angles and facial expressions that really do make him look like a chimpanzee. Anaximander (610 BC-546 BC) is perhaps the world's first true scientist, asserting that physical forces, not supernatural ones, were responsible for creating order in the universe, and proposed a theory of human evolution over two millennia before anyone had ever heard of Charles Darwin.
  83. 83. *biff* "Xander! All moved in, I see?" *biff* "Yup! No more smelly Dormies!" *biff* "Well, not until we start inviting them in and keep them in free pizza and making them write term papers and stealing their money at the poker table!" *biff* "So, still smelly Dormies?" *biff* "Yes, but smelly Dormies we can rip off! The best kind!" *biff* "Family Sim, Tol." *biff* "Sorry, I forgot. Who knows, maybe one of them will be smelly and date-worthy for you!" *biff* "Or, you know, not smelly is also good."
  84. 84. Say hello to Randy Knight. Randy Knight is a pretty frequent walkby to all the houses. It makes me giggle that his name is Randy Knight. Randy Knight is a stock Leo, and therefore hot-tubs naked. He is quite possibly the awesomest Dormie ever. That is all.
  85. 85. "Hi, I'm Xander. Archie says I'm supposed to greet Dormies who are walking by and then sucker them into doing stuff for us." "I'm Randy Knight. Mind if I sit in your hot tub naked for a while?" "If I say yes, does that mean you won't do it?" "No." "Carry on."
  86. 86. "Aw, man... Why do I always lose when I play with you guys?" "What do you expect, little bro? You're playing with the moneygrubbing Fortune Sim and the badass who cheats." "Archie? You cheat? "You got a problem with that, Tolly?" "Let's just assume I don't."
  87. 87. "Hooray! The Dormie with the blue hair isn't standing over me and green-fuming at me while I sleep anymore!" Yes, Rizzo's all moved in now too.
  88. 88. "You think I'm all hot now." You grew into your features. The hotness was just waiting to occur. Eratosthenes "Rizzo" Vetinari, Gen 6 Prettacy heir, is a Sagittarius 2/3/9/10/5 Romance Sim with the LTW to be a Celebrity Chef. I'm trying to find him a recessive-gened spouse, because he's got Topher's light blue eyes and his recessive is Topher's blonde hair. Hooray for genetic diversity! Eratosthenes of Cyrene (276 BC-194 BC) invented a system of latitude and longitude. He also used the change in shadow lengths to accurately calculate the circumference of the Earth and the tilt of the Earth's axis.
  89. 89. "Rizzo! Better watch out, buddy--I don't like competition!" "What the--? Archie, I'm not going to fight you for any SimSelves, all right? I need to find a nonplayable to marry anyway." "Hahaha, sucker! What kind of Romance Sim needs to get married?" "The kind who's a Legacy heir, you nitwit. Just like your great-grandfather." "...Don't call me a nitwit." "Don't call me a sucker."
  90. 90. "Here's a hundred bucks. And if you want a tip, I'm getting ready to go take a shower." "I thought the money was the tip?" "You're not the sharpest tool in the shed, huh?" "You want me to clean the shed? You don't have a shed."
  91. 91. "C'mon, recessive girls!"
  92. 92. Hmmm... Pigtails the Ice Queen of Bluewater Village, Pink Fishnets, and one of Delirium's babydaddies. Not exactly a target-rich environment, Riz, but go have some fun.
  93. 93. "The Wishing Well is made of awesome."
  94. 94. Archie Wanted to throw a Toga Party, so I figured why not. That's him making besties with Billy there. " 'Sup, Simon?" "There are people here. Strange people." "It's a party, man. That's what a party is." "But... Shy." "Why'd you come, then?" "Bee and Becca dragged me along."
  95. 95. Reed and Fee do their best to raise the party score. And yes, Reed is too Outgoing to come to toga parties in an actual toga.
  96. 96. "Are you done playing Red Hands with your brother? Can we Make Out now?" "It's raining." "Whatever. I want to Make Out now." "Sounds good to me."
  97. 97. "Shorba ko, Billy! Don't tell Simon Dirty Jokes!" "What? Why not?" "Seriously, guys. I'm shy. Dirty Jokes: Do Not Want."
  98. 98. "Hooray, I'm beating Archie!" "You sound way too excited about that, Xand." "Yeah, well, I'd be winning if you'd just deal off the bottom of the deck like I showed you, Rizzo."
  99. 99. MONKEYFACE! And monkeyhands!
  100. 100. "I hope I'm not being too forward..." "Is there such a thing?"
  101. 101. ...Guess not.
  102. 102. "So... You wanna make some 'honk honk' noises?" "Why yes. Yes I do." "Sweeeeeet."
  103. 103. "So... pretty... Want... more..." Archie is definitely NOT one of those Romance Sims content with monogamy at this point.
  104. 104. "How 'bout some cute girls this time?"
  105. 105. PHAIL. Alec "Ben Long Nose" Jeffress, Timothy "Goopyshorts" Lawson, and Delirium's OTHER babydaddy, Tyson Davison.
  106. 106. Alec: "Your tattoo's misspelled." Archie: "Huh?" Rizzo: "Dude. Worst idea EVER."
  107. 107. Alec: "Right there, man. I before E except after C." Archie: "There's no C in that tattoo." Rizzo: "Seriously, man, stop now."
  108. 108. Archie: "WTF?" Alec: "Gotcha!" Rizzo: "Is there popcorn? I think I'm gonna need popcorn."
  109. 109. Alec: "Hee hee!" Rizzo: "Uh... That's the face he makes right before unloading one nice point's worth of cruel justice on someone." Archie: "Meet Someone New +1000?" Rizzo: "You have no idea how lucky you are."
  110. 110. This is Archie and the Llama Cult girl, Carmen Cho. When she showed up, she brought Zinnia with her, which is awkward, because Zee and Archie are waaaaay too distantly related to show up as family, but have that Romance Sim instant chemistry. It might feel different if they were the same generation and descended from the same Sim, but she's his great-great-aunt or something, which just seems a bit icky.
  111. 111. Rizzo gets Robin Zarubin from the Crystal Ball. She's got recessives, but I'm not sure about the face.
  112. 112. Since Archie's at class, Zee decides to stalk Rizzo instead. This is not nearly as icky, although I'm still not going there.
  113. 113. "Hey! That's the girl my brother's great-grandson just WooHooed! Outgoing points are super! I'm gonna go sit naked in your hot tub for a while, and make all the shy guys go 'Eeek! Zinnia's naked in the hot tub!' for the next few hours!" *sigh* Carmen has recessives. If I couldn't find anyone else for Rizzo, she'd have done in a pinch, even considering that she has The Slouch. But now if I do that, it'll make Archie AND Tolly mad, and I don't wanna go there. If I had ACR, I'd be bald from pulling my hair out.
  114. 114. There you go, Tol. Hope it was worth it. One last house to check in on...
  115. 115. This is the house for the Prettacy cousins. They had another house, but it was glitchy, where they'd jump out of chairs and reset, and wouldn't do anything despite Free Will being on, so I moved them, and things were still glitchy, and then I went "Duh" and Forced Error with the Lot Debugger, which fixed everything, and now their house is a bit crappy again, so, whoops.
  116. 116. Cow Mascot: "Ha ha!" Simon: "Grrrrrrrr." Fangirls: "DEATH TO THE COW!"
  117. 117. Shy, but reasonably cranky. I sort of want to take the Cow Mascot Head Trophy out of Havelock House just because I want to see Archie unload on it.
  118. 118. Simon might have Chad's one outgoing point, but I've never seen Chad make this face, ever.
  119. 119. "You're naked, dude." "Streaker!" "I noticed." "Does it bother you?" "Meh. Saves some time."
  120. 120. Fiona's on the phone with Reed, Bianca's taking a break from the phone (she's 5 Best Friends shy of Permaplat, and just has to wait for the LTR to come up), and the Llama Mascot Becca is stringing along is doing Bee's Term Paper. That is not the Llama Mascot that picked a fight with Billy, BTW. And yes, generally the Mascots and Cheerleaders have 10 Body, but after Michelle and Cam last generation, the Llama that picked on Billy and the Cow that shows up most frequently no longer do. So I don't worry about them picking fights.
  121. 121. "Hey, Simon, would you mind getting the door? I swear I just heard someone knock, and Fee's on a date with Reed and Bee's always on the phone."
  122. 122. "Why don't you get the door?" "I gotta take a shower before my date!" "Why bother? You're just gonna end up in the hot tub anyway." "Look, it's a girl thing. Just answer the door, okay?"
  123. 123. "But, Becca... What if it's a stranger? What do I do?" "Ugh, Simon, you are too shy for your own good. If you don't know them, just say hello and ask them what they want!" "Can't you do it?" "No! I'm going to take a shower! And stop chewing your thumbnail; you look ridiculous!" "Can I just go ask Bee to get the door? She likes meeting new people." "Simon. Seriously. Just open the door, say hello, and ask what they want." "Okay."
  124. 124. "Um... Hello? What do you want?" "Zap!" "What?" "ZAP!"
  125. 125. And this is why I don't answer the door...
  126. 126. "Did you really need to taser him, honey?" "But look how pretty! He's all sparkly!" "And also unconscious."
  127. 127. "We should put him in the car now, right?" "Wait until he stops sparking. Then we put him in the car." "Yeah, I guess that makes more sense, huh?" "Unless you want to get electrocuted." "That doesn't sound like fun." If you want to see Simon's fate, check out the *Drool* Simon Vetinari Bachelor Challenge, available now!