Break out your bibs and buckets: It's time for the *Drool* Simon Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!
This is Day 4: things with the SimSelves go horribly wrong for our unlucky bachelor!
"You know, you really do rock the hat," Gilbert said.
"Tell me something I don't know," Indy replied, scratching his stubble and adjusting the brim of his
hat. "It's an integral part of the package."
Gilbert Jacquet is Gilbert Jacquet.
Indy Vetinari is a Gen 5 Prettacy spare, and Simon's uncle.
"Oooh! Hey! You guys know what we need?" Cass said, clapping excitedly. "Pajama party!"
Cassidy Vetinari is a half-alien spare-spawn.
"Is he suggesting what I think he's suggesting?" Theo asked.
"It's Cassidy. Of course he is," Doc replied.
Theodore Harrison is courtesy of Dicreasy's Victorian Legacy, and was the subject of a Bachelor
Challenge won with by my SimSelf.
Doc is my SimSelf (DrSupremeNerd); I write the Vetinari Dualegacy.
"Well," Di said, "are we getting into our jammies or what?"
Doc laughed. "Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets!"
Dicreasy writes the Victorian Legacy.
"Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets," sang Cass, reaching around and grabbing Gilbert's rear, "And
little man, little Lola wants you!"
"I certainly hope so," Gil said, laughing.
"How do those Aspiration points feel?" Gil asked.
"Pretty good, thanks!" Cass replied, launching himself skyward. "Maybe we can take care of some
of your Want Panel Spam later."
"After the BC, for sure," Gil said. "So we should turn it on now."
"Hooray!" said Cass, picking up his feet and thumping down to the cushions. "Let's go watch the
More hot tubbing, I suppose, Simon thought as he sat down to check his e-mail. He felt sorry for the lone
SimSelf who would miss out on being in the jacuzzi with him that day--the last two who'd gone home had left
because of that, and he'd hate to see any of his remaining guests leave.
Share Interests? That's not so bad. He'd had good conversations with all of them, although there did appear to
be a handful of "minefield" topics that were better avoided.
Three Flirts. Hmmmm. The Flirts were no longer as terrifying as they'd been at the beginning of the week. In
fact, the day before, he'd positively enjoyed them. The responses of his Flirtees had done a lot to bolster his
With a smile, Simon headed for the hot tub.
Simon Vetinari, son of Gen 5 Prettacy spare Chad and the SimSelf of MichelleFobbs, writer of the
Planetary Apocalypse and the Not Quite a Vacation Asylum. Simon's a Sagittarius 6/1/10/7/4
Knowledge Sim, and he's waiting for Miss Right to draw him out of his shell.
Who makes it into the hot tub today?
Marina (smoothiequeen87, writer of the Villainous Apocalypse), once again snagging a spot in
Simon's hot tub, is currently third with a score of 128, friends, a double-crush, and 2 bolts.
Lea (tlhs0 [boolprop.com]/Tlhs0 [Exchange] is a mod at boolprop.com and the writer of the
Barsoom Legacy) is sitting in fourth with a score of 125, friends, double-crush, and 3 bolts.
Pen (penguingirl0384 is the writer of the Penguino Legacy) has led the challenge since Day 1,
and has a score of 138, friends, double-crush, and 2 bolts.
Which means that Stacie is the odd SimSelf out. Stacie (stacilee/stacierearden is the writer of
Whedonberry) is currently second with a score of 134, friends, double-crush, and 2 bolts.
"You know, this'll just get boring if we throw up the same old speech bubbles and let Doc recycle
the same old jokes," Pen said.
"Well, that's a very 'meta' thing to say," said Lea, "but I agree. So I guess that means no sexy
lamps, baseballs, or fried eggs."
"I'd love to see Doc come up with a good caption for this one," Marina snorted. "All the really good
'bang the gavel' jokes are a bit 'Banned4Lyfe,' aren't they?"
"I suppose she could make a Cassbert reference, but you're right, it'd probably go into B4L
territory," Pen agreed. "I mean, this is Doc we're talking about."
"There's always burglars, I suppose," Pen said. "I'd like to see her come up with a double
entendre about that!"
Simon jumped into the conversation. "I'm not really too keen on burglars right now," he said. "A bit
too close to ninjas for my comfort."
"Did I ever tell you about the time Archie got Tolly arrested?" he asked. "Man, were Aunt Dora and
Uncle Topher ever mad! Tolly wasn't terribly happy about it either. He was on eat-half-a-grilled-
cheese-sandwich-duty for a week!"
"...So, is kissing today or tomorrow?" Lea asked Marina.
"Tomorrow," Marina said confidently. "Kissing on Day 5, Make Out on Day 6."
"So one of us doesn't get a kiss?" Lea said. "Well, that's disappointing. I sure hope I'm here for it."
"Wait, wait, Make Out?" Simon asked. "No one said anything about Make Out!"
"Oooh, handcuffs!" Marina said, completely ignoring Simon's sudden discomfort. "Now there's
something that only goes B4L!"
"Again, more B4L Cassbert," Pen agreed. "But they're just so cute together, aren't they?"
"Who's tired of the food already?" Marina asked. "I like salad and turkey and gelatin, but I'd even
settle for a bowl of chili that Coco crispy-fried right about now."
"Or one of Dora's grilled cheese sandwiches," Pen said. "Even if I only ate half of it so that she
could have the rest." She groaned. "I swear, all those pants-fish have totally warped my sense of
"What did you think of the end of Project Runway?" Marina asked Simon. "I'm so glad Kenley
didn't win--karmic payback for sniping at Tim Gunn!"
"Yeah, uh... Fashion's not really my thing," Simon said. Things had been going well up until now,
and today, it all seemed to be coming down around him.
"What about sculpture?" Simon asked, grasping at straws. "David? Venus de Milo? Trafalgar
Square? Statue of Liberty? Anything?"
"So, how 'bout that planet?" Pen said to Lea and Marina.
"I like the planet," Simon volunteered.
"I mean, it's so big!" Pen said. "And all the water! Lots of room for penguins to swim around."
"Oil spills are sort of rough if you're a penguin, though," Pen said to Marina.
"They're pretty much just rough in general," Marina pointed out.
Simon's four nice points finally got to him. He'd had enough. Three days ago, he'd thought the
stalking was uncomfortable, but being argued with and ignored was worse.
He got out of the hot tub and headed to the buffet. He suspected that Marina, Lea, and Pen had
no idea that he'd gone.
"Hey, are we missing something?" asked Lea.
"I don't think so," said Pen.
"Yeah, like what?" Marina asked.
Stacie grabbed a plate of salad and joined Simon. "Normally they all come inside with you," she
"I guess today's not a normal day," Simon said. "Nobody seemed to want anything to do with me."
"Well, their loss is my Simon-y gain!"
"Maybe it's my fault," Simon said. "I mean, I really don't make friends all that easily. Archie and
Tolly and Becca and Bee are always on me about how shy I am. Should I be doing more, do you
"I think you're fine just the way you are," Stacie said. "You're adorably shy. You're pushing yourself
enough just by being here."
"I suppose so," Simon said. He had to do a Share Interests, and since Stacie was the only one in
the room, he made the decision to start with her.
"Have you read my Legacy?" she joked. "OK, maybe not a lot of ghosts, but plenty of vampires,
demons, aliens, all kinds of supernatural stuff!"
"So, what's this 'sexy lamp' thing all about?"
"Just Doc's idea of a joke," Stacie replied. "It's sort of caught on and taken a life of its own. Don't
worry; there's nothing inherently sexy about lamps."
"Good," said Simon. "For a while there, I was getting worried."
"So I guess if you're telling a story with vampires, you must do a lot at night, huh?"
"Only because I don't want them to explode into flames," Stacie said. "Or smoke, at any rate.
Either way, I'd rather they didn't die."
"I suppose that would be a bad thing," Simon laughed. The talk with Stacie had buoyed his spirits,
and he tracked down another of his guests.
Marina had wandered into the room.
"So do you think the gold boullion thingy sort of looks like a stick of butter?" Simon asked.
Simon found Lea last. "Sorry I brought up statues earlier," he said. "I didn't realize they were such
a hot-button issue for you."
"What? No, I love statues!"
Simon was confused, but gave it a pass.
"So I know you like movies, but do you like live theater too?" he asked as Marina looked at the
pictures behind him.
"Oh, of course," Lea said. "Stuff doesn't need to have loads of CGI and spattering gore to be
"Seriously, I thought you got all mad because I brought up statues earlier."
"What? No! Don't be silly!"
It was late, and his guests all headed upstairs to sleep.
Simon wasn't tired, so he grabbed a book and tried to read, although he found himself unable to focus.
For the first three days, he'd barely had room to breathe. The SimSelves had been fighting over the
chance to be close to him, but today, they'd been nowhere to be found. The sudden shift from hot to
cold was unnerving. The Share Interests had all gone well, but as they'd occurred, there'd been no one
else standing around waiting for a chance to talk to him.
He realized that no one had told him how attractive he was since the day before.
After reading the same paragraph three times, he gave up and replaced the book on the shelf.
Simon got into bed. Tomorrow is another day, he thought.
When he woke, the SimSelves were up and about, and he decided to get a start on the Flirts.
"I really would like to see a movie with you some time," said Simon.
"I won't even make you pay for popcorn," Lea replied.
Simon reached out and took Lea's hands. "I'm glad you're still here," he said.
"I'm glad I'm still here too."
Feeling brave, he reached up to touch Lea's cheek. She recoiled, pushing his hand away. "Whoa,
hey, you don't just go for the face!" she said.
"Oh, uh, sorry," Simon said. He was shocked. He hadn't expected to be rejected.
He was still reeling when Lea left and Stacie came in.
"Thanks for eating with me yesterday," Simon said. "After everyone else was sort of ignoring me
in the hot tub, it really cheered me up."
"Any time you need cheering, you know where to find me," Stacie replied.
"So... Vampires and demons, huh?"
"And Eli," Stacie said.
"What's an Eli?"
"Keep me around and maybe you'll find out."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, when did you start channeling Dean?" Stacie asked, pulling back.
"Dean?" Simon asked, confused.
"Sorry," Stacie said. "I just don't like people touching my face, you know?"
"Um... I'm sorry too," said Simon. "That's what I get for putting myself out there, I guess."
As Stacie left, Marina came in.
"I know I've said I don't mind being confused by you, but yesterday was a bit too confusing,"
Simon said. "Perhaps we could find an appropriate level of confusion."
"I'm all right with that," said Marina. "Just let me know when I've crossed the line."
"Deal," Simon said.
"I really don't mean to be enigmatic," Marina said. "I guess I just can't help it."
"That's all right," Simon said. "I like a good enigma."
Simon tried a different tactic. "You've got an eyelash," he said. "If you hold still, I'll get it for you."
"I can get my own eyelashes!" Marina said, reaching up to brush a finger across her cheekbones.
"You missed it," Simon said lamely.
"I'll just look in a mirror," she said, heading out of the room.
Pen was the last one of his guests he had to flirt with.
"I'm sorry about the food," he said.
"That's all right," she replied. "I can deal with repetitive meals for another few days if it means
getting to stay here with you."
"I'm certainly glad the food's not a turn-off," he said.
"There's very little here that's a turn-off," she replied.
Simon was a bit dumbfounded, but after how the others had gone, he couldn't say he'd been
expecting anything else. The only reason he'd gone through with it at all was that it only seemed
Perhaps if they'd spent more time with him the day before, the flirting would have gone better, but
their avoidance of him combined with his shyness preventing him from initiating interactions with
them meant that he didn't feel as though he'd improved his relationship with any of his guests.
A dejected Simon left the bedroom, desperate for noon.
Simon headed to fill the buffet table, but his heart wasn't in it. After three days of wishing for a minute to
himself, he'd spent most of the day hoping that someone--anyone--would talk to him.
He wondered if he'd done something wrong. He tried to remember if he'd acted in a way that could be
construed as offensive, but could think of nothing he'd done that would result in being treated as a social
The rejected Flirts--confidence-shattering though they may have been--were merely the icing on the cake.
Simon realized that he very desperately wanted to go home.
He wondered if they'd even miss him if he left.
Simon was somewhat relieved when Lea grabbed a plate of food and sat down next to him. "I
hear there's a new Saw movie out," he said.
"Torture porn," she mumbled, shoveling salad into her mouth. "The first one with Cary Elwes was
"I thought the twist in the second movie was sort of neat," he said.
"You know what would have made that movie better? Bruce Campbell and his boom stick," she
said as she got up from the table.
Simon sighed and turned to his other side.
"Resurrecting Angelis like that was a brilliant move," Marina said to Stacie.
"Well, Drusilla really did lend herself to a supernatural plotline," Stacie replied.
"How 'bout them Dodgers?" Simon asked.
"Sure, with some of those glitches, I can see why," Marina said to Stacie, without skipping a beat.
"Never mind," Simon sighed, finishing his turkey and clearing his and Lea's plates.
Simon walked over to the phone and dialed the number to Havelock House.
"Who are you and what do you want?" came Archie's familiar snarl.
"Archie, it's me. Simon."
"Oh. Sorry 'bout that; we've been getting lots of crank calls from the mascots." Archie's tone softened as much as it ever did. "What's up?
Simon hurriedly explained everything--his abduction, being trapped in Pleasantview, the Bachelor Challenge, and his own loss of confidence over the course of
the last day.
He had to hold the phone away from his ear so that Archie's laughter didn't deafen him.
"Archie, I'm serious! Either tell me what to do or figure out where I am and get me the hell out of here!" Simon begged.
"Sorry, man! Just trying to imagine you with seven SimSelves. Tell me that's not hilarious!"
"It's not hilarious," growled Simon. "Trust me on this."
"Fine, fine, don't get your undies in a wad. Look, just put on your best crankyface, swagger out
there, and tell 'em that they'd better pay some attention to you, or else."
"I can't do that, Archie. There's about a zillion reasons why not, the first one being I'm not you."
Simon had another flash of inspiration. "Is Rizzo there? Lemme talk to Rizzo."
"Rizzo? What do you want to talk to Rizzo for? He knows exactly zero about romancing
"He's also not a cocky bastard like you," Simon reminded him. "Just put him on."
Simon heard the sound of the phone changing hands, and the next voice he heard was his cousin's.
"What's going on? Archie clearly thinks it's hilarious."
Simon filled Rizzo in.
"That sounds rough. What can I do?"
"Short of getting me out of here, tell me what I'm doing wrong! C'mon, Riz, you're shy and a Romancer, you gotta have some advice for me!"
"Take it easy, all right? Look, you said it was crazy the first few days. Maybe things were moving a little too fast for everyone, not just you. They
probably just needed some breathing room."
"But they wanted to be here. I'm the one who got kidnapped by ninjas. What if this means they got to know me and don't want to win this
Rizzo sighed. "Simon, you're reading too much into this. If they'd wanted out, they wouldn't have spent three
days fighting over who got to spend time with you. This is nothing, okay? Just a little bump in the road."
"I thought having to interact with all of them would be the worst part," Simon said. "Turns out the worst part is
when I don't interact with them at all."
"Look, just keep your chin up. It'll get better. I gotta go now, though; my date's here. Just get through the next
couple of days and I'll see you when you get back."
"Yeah," said Simon, who never thought he'd ever be looking forward to one of the Havelock House toga
parties. He hung up the phone and went to the poker table.
Lea, Stacie, and Marina all smiled at him as he sat down. Marina passed him the cards and he
dealt a hand that Stacie won. Lea took the deck and shuffled.
Simon waited for the deal, but it never came, and Stacie and Marina seemed hypnotized by the
Simon decided to excuse himself, and went into the bathroom.
"Sad state of affairs when you'd rather do that than play poker," said Pen from behind him.
He nearly jumped out of his skin; he'd forgotten that she was even in the house.
Pen slugged him playfully on the arm. "Things going a bit rough today?"
"Understatement of the year," Simon said. He punched Pen a bit harder than he'd meant to, and
she rubbed her arm, but didn't glare at him and stalk away. "Sorry. I guess I'm a bit frustrated."
"It's all right. I suppose we haven't been good guests today."
"I'm just wondering if it's because I'm being a poor host."
"You've been lovely," Pen replied. "And it's just turned noon, in case you were wondering."
Simon tracked down Lea. "So, it's noon," he said. "And you've all sort of been ignoring me, so I didn't get to know any of you any better, and, uh...
"It's okay," Lea said, knowing she could have done more to save herself. "Can we still catch a scary movie back in Riverblossom?"
"Sure," said a relieved Simon. As Lea headed for the computer room, he thought, Well, at least this day is finally over.
Day 4 Scores:
Stacie moving into first with 137, friends, double-crush, 2 bolts
Pen one point back with 136, friends, double-crush, 2 bolts
Marina still in third with 128, friends, double-crush, 2 bolts
Lea still fourth with 125, friends, double-crush, 3 bolts
They really did ignore him all day. The only one whose score increased over Day 3 is Stacie, and she's the one who missed out on the hot tub. His
STR for all four of them decreased, in part because of the rejected flirts, but in the five hours between the flirting and noon, no one made an effort
to repair the relationships.
Lea looked over at Cassidy. "I just wanna, like, hug you and let you live in my house for the rest of
"...'Kay," Cass replied. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
"What the heck happened over there today?" Doc asked, dying to know the inside scoop. "I mean,
really, ignoring the bachelor didn't work for Lark and Jamie, so I'd love to hear the logic behind it!
Seriously, Pen's score went down and yours and Marina's didn't change at all! Start talking!"
"I wish I had an explanation," Lea said. "We all just needed a little Girl Time, I guess. Perhaps we
could have held off on that for a few more days. That might have been a better choice."
"I have to agree with you there," Di said. "The success to those challenges really is spending time
with the actual bachelor."
"I can understand Simon's frustration," Theo said. "If that had happened to me, I would have
reacted in much the same way." He glanced over at Doc. "Happily, that was not the case."
"I wasn't about to let you feel lonely," said Doc.
"Yes, well, Marina, Pen, and Stacie are going to have to work to get back in Simon's good
graces," said Lea. "I don't really envy them that." She smiled. "And at least I don't have Don
Lothario in my Want Panel."
"Mmmm, yes, but those heart-farts of Indy aren't exactly going to get you anywhere," Di said
"Really, Miss Di, I hardly think Miss Lea would impose upon your relationship," Theo said.
"Not while your cousin Stanley is still young and vigorous," Di chuckled. "Perhaps you ought to go
placehold now, Lea, before those thought-bubbles get you into trouble."
Lea beat a hasty retreat.
"Hey, now, I know I'm a sexy beast, but I'm a one-woman man, and you're the one woman," Indy
said, waving Di over. "The heart-farts might stroke my ego, but you're the one who gets the
"As long as we're clear on that," Di said, snuggling up against Indy's washboard abs.
"I notice you're a little less... shirtless... than the others," said Doc.
"I did not think it proper to be so, among such mixed company," Theo replied. "I had not realized
that it was commonplace in your time."
Doc shrugged. "What can I say? We like to ogle."
"I find my own view most appealing," Theo admitted.
"That was nearly a flirt!" Doc said with a grin.
"Perhaps this might be considered an actual flirt," Theo said, pulling Doc close and wrapping his
arms around her.
"Perhaps it could," she agreed.
"And this most definitely qualifies!" Doc said, fanning herself as Theo brushed his lips across the
back of her hand.
"I am happy to have discovered those boundaries," Theo said, smiling.
"You and me both," said Doc.
Will inappropriate heart-farts of Indy continue? Will Cassidy continue to sing show-tunes? Will
Theo ever broach the subject of telescopes? Who will be the next to leave Simon's BC? Stay
tuned to find out!