Spider Jerusalem's Completely Hypothetical Bachelor Challenge, Day 5
Its Day 5 of the Not-Really-Happening Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!Three SimSelves are left in the house with our cranky finger-gunning bachelor. So far, weve had no slapping or bustedcrushes, but how long will our luck hold? Whos out for blood and whos just out?Read on and to find the answers to these questions and more!
These are the three SimSelves still standing:Kaiyah (Kaiyah/Kaiyah2; Legacy Shmegacy), with a slim eight-point lead over the others.Kendra (riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271; the Punk Legacy) and Styx (StyxLady/lorddaeos; Just Another Legacy) are tied right now.Kaiyah and Styx have a three-bolt chemistry with Spider Jerusalem, compared to Kendras two, but Kendras still in the gamedespite missing out on hot-tubbing with the bachelor for the last two days; her outgoingness has kept her competitive.
The bachelor: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, mean finger-gunning Reaper child son of Dualegacy villain Cypress. In theDualegacy, the plot calls for him to be lonely and tormented, but out here in Pleasantview, hes surrounded by SimSelvesvying for his attention, and is obsessed with kissing, oil, and seeing the ghost of Gilbert Jacquet (although this last has beensomewhat curtailed, given his brother Cassidys relationship with the newly-hottified baker)."Heyhey shrouda, observation post!"For more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerds SimPage or the Boolprop.com forums.
The former contestants get treated well here in the Spider Jerusalem Bachelor Challenge.Gin (GintasticNecat; The Science of a Legacy), eliminated on Day 3, got to introduce Cypress to some flame jets.Michelle (MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs; the Planetary Apocalypse), eliminated on Day 2, got to beat the living daylights out ofMr. Big.Orikes (Orikes/orikes360; the Pseudo Legacy), eliminated on Day 1, is engaged to Gen 2 Uglacy heir Larch Vetinari, and isalso pregnant with his childrinions.
De (fireflower 314/fireflowersims.livejournal.com; the Morgan and Pierce Legacies), the most recent eliminee, got to introducethe Grilled Cheese Mr. Big to Mr. Rodneys Death Creator.And then she turned him into a zombie.So now hes smelly, obsessed with grilled cheese, and his Aspiration meters lower than Denise Jacquets bosom.Good luck trying to get that image out of your head! Youre welcome! Im a giver!
Gilbert: "You really do work out, dont you?"Cassidy: "Shut up and kiss me."SimLoki: Tummy rubs? Kitty was not in the last chapter, and still needs tummy rubs.
Cassidy: "Youre not going to start playing Hard To Get, are you?"Gilbert: "Perish the thought."Wright help me, I think these two are adorable together.
Gilbert: "Who loves ya, baby?"Cassidy: "It better be you."Gilbert: "And dont you know it."
SimLoki: Tummy rubs?Larch: "What in the hell does he want?"SimLoki: Tummy rubs!SimLoki: Pixellated version of my actual cat. Almost as big an attention whore as the original.Larch: Larch Vetinari, Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir.
"If you pet him, he goes away. Eventually. Sometimes it takes a lot of petting."
SimLoki: Tummy rubs?Larch: "Sorry, beastie. The Pets patch fixed that."SimLoki: No tummy rubs?Larch: "No tummy rubs."SimLoki: MOAR petting.
Stacilee: "Isnt that annoying?"Di: "If we dont look, the improprietys not really happening."Stacilee: stacilee/stacierearden, writer of the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.Di: Dicreasy, writer of the Victorian Legacy.
SimNerd: "You know, it could be worse."SimNerd: SimSelf of DrSupremeNerd, writer of the Vetinari Dualegacy, currently replaying part of Gen 4. Me.
Cassidy: "I have no problem with this."Gilbert: "Me either."Cassidy: Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Dualegacy villain Cypress. Half-brother of the bachelor.Gilbert: Gilbert Jacquet, former Mamas boy, current metrosexual gay baker.
"Hey, I lived in a house with nine other people my senior year in college. Theres not enough mental floss in the world to getsome of that out of my brain. I can put up with Cass and Gil at the other end of the couch."
Di: "Things are really heating up over at the Bachelor Pad, arent they? It really is impossible to handicap now!"Stacilee: "Whats on the agenda for today?"
Larch: "Kissing!"Stacilee: "Oh, not you too..."Larch: "My fiancee went home, and Im going through withdrawal."
Stacilee: "Have you ever considered another track for your mind?"Di: "Do you even have to ask? Theres a reason youre sitting between him and me."
"Hey, I fill the niche market for hot, Eeevil, neat-freak, finger-gunning, naked hot-tubbing, fight-starting befauxhawked FamilySims. I just wouldnt be me if I werent obsessed with creating childrinions and Eeevil. Not necessarily in that order."
"Yes, Larch. We are all suitably impressed. But to get back on topic, todays events in the Bachelor Challenge are more hot-tubbing, three Flirts, and a Romantic kiss. Everybody makes it into the hot tub today, so no advantage for speed there, andwith all the mutual Crushes, I dont anticipate anyone rejecting the kiss. I think the Flirts will be the most telling. Plus SpiderJerusalem will probably make the mean Sim gets to grope face again, which is always fun to see."
Di: "What are we waiting for?"Stacilee: "I dont know. This is too interesting to sit around here! I say we head over to Spider Jerusalems house and seewhat happens!"
Cassidy: "Yeah, you guys go do that. I think were just gonna... head upstairs and take care of some of this Want PanelSpam."Gilbert: "Are you thinking what Im thinking?"Cassidy: "I really, really hope so, but this time you be Pascal Curious and Ill be PolliTech."Oh, its definitely time to kick off Day 5!
Right off the bat, tragedy strikes.Sorry, Styx.
Spider: "I just couldnt help myself!"Kaiyah: "Did I just hear a boioioioioing? "And just like that, Day 5 is over before it really begins.
"Do you see this? Do you see the little pink heart with the line through it? And these double-minuses? I am not a happy Styx!"
Kaiyah: "Well, that pretty much clinches todays elimination! Go me and my irresistable puppet skin!"
"Stay calm, Styx. Just clear off the table, take a deep breath, go to your Happy Place..."...and then run over there and slap him silly."
Spider: "Well, those are new."Kaiyah: "I think they suit you."
Spider: "I wonder what that little dagger thingy is for."Styx: "I want to go slapping, but Im conflicted because Im nice! ...The slappings totally going to win out, though."
Styx: "How dare you flirt with Kaiyah in front of me! Dont you care about my feelings at all?"Spider: "...One nice point..."Kaiyah: "Hehehehe."
Styx: "You hurt my heart, I hurt your face!" *slapslapslapslapslap*Spider: "Hey!"Kaiyah: "Lalala..."
Spider: "I cant smack Gilbert, but I sure as hell can give it back to you!"BAD Spider Jerusalem! We do not hit SimSelves!
Styx: "Waaaahhhh! Im not Crushing on Spider Jerusalem anymore and he cheated on me and then I had to slap himbecause of coding even though Im nice and then he slapped me back and now Im going to go home and I dont get to haveany Spider Jerusalem babies and I have to stay until noon throwing up flamey thought balloons!"Spider: "You hate to see me leave, but you love to watch me go."
Geez, why does he always cry when he gets slapped? Now I gotta go back to MATY and get that hack so mean Sims dontcry when they get beat up.Larch never cried.But then, he never lost a fight and never didnt initiate the slapping either.
Snack time before hot-tubbing."Styx is HOT when Im furious with her for slapping me just because I hugged Kaiyah in front of her!"Spider Jerusalem is a complicated man.
Kaiyah: "So I tell you, Kendra, it was better than TV! She was all like, Im gonna whine about slapping him but Im gonna do itanyway! and then she did it!"Kendra: "Wow, just like pro wrestling, only, you know, not fake!"Styx: "Im sitting right here, you know."Spider: "Wait... pro wrestlings fake?"
Kendra: "So did you ever read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?Spider: "It was quite the shock when Cedric died like that."
Spider: "But not as shocking as when Harrys parents came out of Voldemorts wand, you know?"Styx: Waaah! That was the book where Hermione went to the Yule Ball with Victor Krum instead of Ron Weasley, and it waslike she cheated on him even though they never dated! Or something like that!
Spider: "And this is the smallest violin in the world playing songs of sympathy..."Styx: Why you gotta go and make me cry, Spider Jerusalem?
Spider: "Youre depressing when you cry over me. I dont think Im Crushing on you anymore."Styx: "WAAAHHHHHH!"I dont know why it took this long for him to fall out of Crush with her.
Spider: But she is HOT when shes crying about me cheating on her...Styx: Oh, the heartache!
Kendra: "We are so going to be here tomorrow!"Kaiyah: "Why is Styx even still here?"Kendra: "Well, if one of us accidentally catches another autonomous romantic interaction, itll be another race for second-to-last place!"Kaiyah: "But if that happens, the winner of the whole game is pretty much decided, because therell be no way for the scoresto rebound in time for the end of Day 6!"Kendra: "So I guess Id better keep you occupied with this pillow fight, shameless hussy!"Kaiyah: "...You are a most worthy opponent."
Theyre all able to fit into one hot tub today.Styx: "And I was really looking forward to the chance to kiss you today."Kaiyah: "Playing hardball, I see, Kendra."Kendra: "I certainly hope so."
Kaiyah: "If you want, Ill look you up when this things over and tell you how it was."Styx: "No thanks; Id rather just have the dream."Kendra: "Naked splashies!"Spider: "Where have you been the last two days?"
"Now, the Making Out... Thanks to me, I guess Kendra and I will be here for that too."
"Even talking about the sexy lamps not going to get me out of this pickle, is it?"
"Do you think it will be as wonderful as weve been hoping?"
"As long as Gilberts not around to shove anyone..."
"Something tells me Gilberts not going to be fighting with me for any female SimSelves anymore. Which is a pity, because Iwas really looking forward to dealing out that ass-whupping."
"You could still beat him up if you wanted. You know, instead of me, or whatever."
"Dont be dumb--I cant beat up my brothers boyfriend! Gilbert may be a little too huggy for my taste, but hes not, say, ahorribly manipulative, conceited, arrogant pretty-boy trying to keep Cass all to himself. Someone like that Id have no troublepounding into the sand if the opportunity arose, but I can put up with Gilbert for Cassidys sake."
"They are oddly cute together. And you cant deny the three bolts of chemistry with matching turnons."
"And Gilbert is pretty hot in that metrosexual blazer/pink shirt combo. I can totally see why Cassidys a fan."
"All I have to say is, if Gilberts just playing games with Cassidys affection, hes going on the Rusty Fork List."
"Doesnt this hot-tubbing normally occur during the daylight hours?"
Styx: "I dunno, theres something sort of magical about nighttime hot-tubbing."Kaiyah: "I think theres something sort of magical about how I can become Best Friends with Spider Jerusalem when hestalking to you!"
"You know what? I could really go for some breakfast right about now."Well, seeing as how its almost daybreak, I send them in for some food.
I decide to sit them all down for a nice brunch before Flirting."Styx is hot when she flamey-thought-balloons me!"OK, so perhaps a "nice" brunch is a bit out of the question at this juncture.
skjrvnrawpofKENDRA! I do not have a hack for that!Kendra: "Who needs a hack when you have ten outgoing points? Shorba ko, you swimsuit-wearing losers!"Spider: "Best. Glitch. EVER."
YOU PUT THAT HEART-FART AWAY RIGHT THIS MINUTE, MISTER!Spider: "But... Shes hot when shes naked."Kaiyah: "Tralala, Banned4Lyfe, tralala."
This completely pointless slide has been brought to you by me making Spider Jerusalem clean up the lunch dishes aspunishment for him heart-farting poor nakedly glitched Kendra.We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide."...Yeah, but it was sooooo worth it."
Spider kicks off the days Flirts by flamey-thought-ballooning Styx in front of Kaiyah.Im betting the same three Flirts wont be available for Kaiyah and Kendra, and they definitely wont be for Styx. Kaiyah getsCaress, Goose, and Serenade. Serenade was actually available on Day 4, but I was trying to keep the playing field as levelas possible. I dont think Kaiyahs going to reject anything he throws at her at this point.
Kaiyah: "Youre gonna go for the booty next, arent you?"Spider: "Uh-huh."
Kaiyah: "You cheeky thing!"Spider: "Isnt that supposed to be my line?"
Spider: "Eeeeeevery rooose has its thooooornJust like eeeeeevery night has its daaaaaawwwwwwnJust like eeeeeevery cooowboy sings his sad saaad songEeeeveryyyy rose has its thorn..."Kaiyah: "You are dead to me, Doc. Do you hear me? DEAD TO ME. You better hope you dont meet me and my rusty fork inany dark alleys. I am gonna have that song stuck in my head for the next three days!"Enjoy your earworm, mdear.
And then Spider Jerusalem goes in for the much-discussed kiss. I missed the actual lip contact portion of said kiss, because Iwas a bit distracted...
...by the big giant red heart floating over Spider Jerusalems head.Its a one-way Love, but in the direction that counts!Kaiyah: "For this, I will put up with 80s hair-band power ballads."
Kaiyah: "So, tomorrow I get me some of that?"NO. Well, okay, maybe. If you win, and stuff.I send Kaiyah off to the poker table and bring Kendra in.
Im going for Caress and Goose today, and Serenade if it becomes available, Suggestion if it doesnt.Spider Jerusalem goes in for the Caress. Will she let him touch the upstairs cheek, or will he get denied again? She wont besent home if she stones him, but shell have more points to make up on the last day if she rejects any Flirts.
Kendra: "Why didnt I let you do this yesterday?"Spider: "No idea. But dont you wish you had?"Kendra: "Ooooh yeah."Well, we know shes going to allow the Goose...
...but I didnt anticipate them reaching Best Friend status as Spider Jerusalem does the mean-Sim-groping hand-rub/"Muahahahaha"-face.I remember when I had Sims with nice points. Now I wonder how I ever survived without my meanies.
Kendra: "I do believe you are pinching my bottom!"Spider: "You got a problem with that?"Kendra: "Nope!"But even the Grope doesnt make Serenade an option.
And, hey, I even caught the money shot this time!Mostly because there were no floating red hearts to distract me.
Kendra: "So... tomorrow, then?"AUGH! What is it with all of you and getting me Banned4Lyfe today!And now for Styx. Im anticipating three rejected Wolf Whistles...
...but apparently "Be Poked" is the new "Wolf Whistle." Who knew?"I know what you brought me up here to do, and Im having none of it, you dirty cheater!"
"When you see Gilbert over at the observation post, give him this and tell him its from me!"Yeah, I dont think I need to put poor Styx through the Flirting today.
"Whatever, just pop open my Relationship Panel and assess the damage."
Kaiyah: "I always knew Id make it this far."Kendra: "Yup, weve been in the top two since Day 1."Kaiyah: "Yeah, but you owe me for getting rid of Styx."Kendra: "Id have pulled it out."Kaiyah: "The nudity probably helped your case."Kendra: "Never underestimate ten outgoing points."Kaiyah: "Ill miss you when you leave tomorrow."Kendra: "Likewise. Only, you know, with you leaving and me staying."Kaiyah has a score of 176, shes best friends with Spider Jerusalem, they have three bolts, and hes in love with her. Kendrahas a score of 162, shes best friends with Spider Jerusalem, they have two bolts, and theyre still just crushing on eachother.
"I guess I shouldnt have slapped him, huh?"Yeah, this was pretty much a foregone conclusion since before the hot-tubbing. Once she caught that Leap Into Arms, thewriting was very much on the wall. Sorry, Styx, I really did try to make it through this whole thing without anyone catchingSpider Jerusalem doing those romantic interactions with anyone else.Spider Jerusalems Lifetime Relationship is actually -6 with Styx right now, bringing her score down to 31.
"Sorry, Styx. Spider Jerusalem was playing darts and Kaiyah was shooting pool, and they got in each others way, whichbumped those actions out of their respective queues, and Spider Jerusalem just went for it before I could do anything. By thetime I realized what he was going to do and what was going to happen, it was too late to cancel it. I totally didnt mean for itto happen. Stupid framming autonomy."
"Tell me about it. And Im so nice, I didnt even want to slap him!"
Stacilee: "Hey, catching someone cheating is pretty much a staple of Bachelor Challenges. Once the Crushes start, thosebrief moments of autonomy can really mix things up."Cassidy: "You should just be lucky Spider settled for slapping you back and poking you back! Hes totally capable of throwingdown!"Di: "Oh, I doubt Spider Jerusalem would attack a SimSelf."Cassidy: "I doubt hed even consider that he maybe shouldnt do it."
Larch: "So, Styx, youre a brown-haired, makeup-wearing Family SimSelf, Im a hot Eeevil Legacy Sim who hot-tubs naked...Whaddaya say you and me make some sweet sweet childrinions?"
Styx: "No."Larch: "Are you sure? Take a look at this face! I could make some beautiful childrinions."Styx: "Im pretty sure. And Im definitely not going to horn in on Orikess territory."
SimNerd: "Larch? You have to stop begging for childrinions. Orikes is already pregnant, and Ill get you guys hitched duringthe epilogue."Larch: "But I want childrinions nooowwwwww!"SimNerd: "Stop bugging my SimSelves. I mean it. You will have your wedding, you will have your childrinions, maybe Ill evenlet you beat somebody up."Larch: "Promise?"SimNerd: "Promise."
"Can I just slink off to my consolation prize now? I may not get Spider Jerusalem babies, but I get something, right?"
"Oh, were all agreed that Doc is quite generous with her consolation prizes. Im sure itll be just what you need to get over thecrushing disappointment."
"Im not so sure that speaking of crushing disappointment was helpful, Di. But Im hooking Styx up, no worries there."
DIRTY CHEATER HATE.Go inside, Styx. Thatll cheer you up."What could possibly cheer me up?"
Styx: "Well, helllloooooo..."Wren: "Hi."Wren Vetinari, Gen 4 Prettacy spare. Still a finger-gunner, but oddly nice for a Vetinari. Is also possessed of the steadily-gaining-in-infamy Stabby Death Nose.
Wren: "So now Im standing in the sofa because of boolprop allow45degreeangleofrotation true, and I cant feel my legs fromthe knees down."Styx: "Do tell."Wren: "Uh... Thats all there is, really."Styx: "Go on."Styx? You and all your nice points are kinda freaking me out with the smile and the weird hand steeple thing. Mean Simsdont do that, and, well, even 8-nice-point Billy doesnt do the creepy grin.
Styx: "I dont care what anyone says, Stabby Death Nose is awesomely handsome on you."Wren: "You think so?"Styx: "Uh-huh. Its so... Stabby..."
Happy now, Styx?"Mmmph."I think Ill take that as a yes.
Styx: You know, Kendra and Kaiyah havent done this with anyone yet. Win for Styx!Wren: Shes touching the booty. That is the awesomest thing ever.
Wren: If thats a big red heart, I know whats coming next.
Wren: "How many Aspiration points are you getting for this?"Styx: "Lots."Wren: "So you wanna..."Styx: "Hey, Doc? GO AWAY NOW."Righty-ho.
Styx: "You just HAD to get a shot of the purple hearts, didnt you?"Wren: "Face it, its either this or underwear."Styx: "Good point."Well, if youre going to be like that, I wont mention the lullabye I just heard...
Cass: "Spider, listen, I know Gilberts not your favorite person..."Spider: "Understatement of the year."Cass: "Well, hes kind of my favorite person."Spider: "So Ive gathered."Cass: "Look, youre my brother and I love you. And hes my boyfriend and I love him, and he loves me. Im not asking you tobraid each others hair and talk about boys or anything, but maybe you could bury the hatchet. But not, like, in each othersskulls."
"Im glad. Youre both important to me, and Id hate to have to referee the two of you."
Spider: "So... You and my brother..."Gilbert: "Seems that way. He really is amazing."Spider: "On that, we agree, although, I suspect, in completely different ways."Gilbert: "Cassidy sent you over here to square things, didnt he?"Spider: "Yup."Gilbert: "Well, wed both do anything for him, wouldnt we?"Spider: "Uh-huh."Gilbert: "I guess theres only one thing to do."
"If you hurt my brother, I will rip your head off and shit down your neck."
"Ah-hah. Good thing I have no plans to hurt Cassidy, then."
"Next time, Day 6! The big finale! Will Kendra catch up to Kaiyah? Will Kaiyah continue to dominate? Will another ill-timedromantic interaction doom one of the contestants? Who gets Spider Jerusalem, and who gets the last of the consolationprizes?"Blah, I dont care anymore! When do I get to have my wedding? And when do I get my childrinions? I AM EEEVIL AND IWANT SOME CHILDRINIONS!"I am tired of being your cheap eye candy, dammit!"
Gilbert: "Cass? Is it physically possible to tear off someones head?"Cass: "I dont know. Why do you ask?"Gilbert: "Oh... No reason..."