Welcome to the Completely Hypothetical, Entirely Theoretical, Totally Imaginary Spider Jerusalem Vetinari BachelorChallenge!Come watch as seven willing SimSelf victims are thrown to the lion! The hot, hot lion. Rawr.
"In the beginning, there was a Legacy. It was a concurrent Prettacy/Uglacy run with identical twin founders, Orson and IsaacVetinari. It was called the Vetinari Dualegacy, and it was good."Gen 4 came back from college, and the neighborhood started to glitch, and it was not good."I had a backup, and it was good. But the backup was older than I thought, and it was not good."So I have to play a good portion of Gen 4 over again, and it is not good."But I decided to do a BC to keep myself interested, and it is most definitely good."And lo, DrSupremeNerd (yours truly), brings you the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challengefor your amusement. Or your drooling. Or your drooling amusement. You know, whichever."
"Uh... question? Why, exactly, is this a completely hypothetical bachelor challenge? I mean, you have Spider Jerusalem, hesin a house with seven SimSelves, how is this not reality?"Stacilee/stacierearden (Boolprop/Exchange) writes the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.
"An excellent question. Well, my plans for Spider dont exactly involve him hooking up with anyone any time soon, let alone aSimSelf who might not be so on-board with the, you know, angsty torture aspect of his plotline. So the winner doesnt actuallyend up with him back in the Dualegacy. Theyre all cool with it; I guess bragging rights amongst the rest of the fangirls isenough of a real prize. And thats why Im calling this the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Bachelor Challenge."This isnt really happening! Its like a mass hallucination! Dont drink the Kool-Aid, kids!"
"Im not sure that any of this conforms to Victorian values."Dicreasy writes the Victorian Legacy.
Stacilee: "Lots of things dont, Di."SimNerd: "Yeah, its more meat market than prim and proper but it makes for some interesting viewing."
"I know. I admit to enjoying the odd BC myself. I suppose Im just out of sorts what with all the bother."
"WHEEEEEE!""I mean, honestly, this is a bit distracting. And I think Im getting seasick."
"Cassidys here? Not to imply that thats not News Full Of Win, but why?"
SimNerd: "Hey, I dont like where hes at in the Dualegacy right now any more than the rest of you do. Spider Jerusalemsgetting the chance to come out and play, why not Cassidy?"Stacilee: "Well, if you dont like it, why not get him out of there?"SimNerd: "Its a journey, much like the one his namesake had to undergo. Believe me, Id much rather see him bouncing offthe furniture, but hes not there yet. So, uh, enjoy it while it lasts."Cassidy and Spider Jerusalem are named after characters in graphic novels: Preacher and Transmetropolitan, respectively.
"Hey, my brothers in a BC? Uh, they do know hes mean, right? Like, seriously mean?"Cassidy is the eldest child of Gen 2 Uglacy spare (and villain) Cypress. Hes a gay half-alien Pleasure Sim, and SpiderJerusalems half-brother.
"Which brings me to another point. Some of my Legacy characters will be cropping up, like Spider and Cassidy, and theywont exactly be behaving quite like you might expect. Well, theres a difference between how they behave in-game, and howtheyre written for plot reasons. If youd like to know more about the characters, or the plot, or just want MOAR SPIDERJERUSALEM, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy, available on DrSupremeNerds SimPage, or the corresponding thread in theGenetic Legacy section of the Boolprop.com forums. But theres no plot here, so no need to impose my own slant on theirpersonalities! This is them as they are, not as I need them to be."Incidentally, Cass, I think Di would like it if you stopped jumping on the couch."
"Ladies! Can I interest anyone in some childrinions* while Im here?"Larch Vetinari, Gen 2 Uglacy heir, Cassidy and Spiders uncle. Eeevil befauxhawked half-naked finger-gunning neat-freakextraordinaire.Yeah, Spider and Cass arent their usual Legacy selves... Larch is. I miss him.*Childrinions = children minions. He is what happens when Eeevil meets Family Sim, folks, and his twins had three nicepoints between them. Which is three times as many as he has.
"Childrinions? Anyone? Cmon, SupremeNerd, can you say No to this abs-y befauxhawked goodness?""Larch? Do not make me come over there."
"Can we go see Spider? Can we can we can we huh huh huh? I wanna watch people try to be nice to him! I promise Ill sitdown if we can go to Spider now!"Ask and ye shall receive, Cass. Lets go meet the lucky SimSelves and the bachelor himself!As a note, all the SimSelves are Turned On by Spider Jerusalems hawtness, and hes had his Turnons tweaked to theSimSelves, so theyre all on equal footing there.And SimSelves? If you didnt have custom eyes before, you do now!
Well, these usually start out with a house tour, so...MY 1337 BUILDING SKILLZPH3/R THEM
Top floor: Dormitory-style bedroom for the contestants, communal bathroom, locked bedroom for Spider Jerusalem with nookfor flirting and his own private bathroom. Modular stairs for less foot-stomping.There are actually seven beds in the SimSelves room; ones just hidden behind a wall. Dont worry, Im not making anyonesleep on a couch or anything. Minimum two spaces between beds means no one gets trapped when they all get up at thesame time.
Bottom floor: Areas ofun! Pool table, poker table, food, table, chess tables, hot tubs and bar out on the deck, anothercommunal bathroom, and doorless computer room for when its time for the attrition to begin.Yeah, the rules call for hot tubs on the second floor. Seemed a bit random to me, and since second-floor in-ground hot tubsinevitably glitch through walls, I stuck them on the first floor instead.There are a couple of telescopes on the lawn, but theyre going in Spiders inventory until the Knowledge Sims start whiningabout wanting a skill point and I let them stargaze--with so many Knowledge and Pleasure Sims around theyll look throughthem whenever, and Mortimer Goth is going to come a-slappin if I dont stow them, which is not conducive to bonding withthe bachelor. Although it might be fun to watch Spider Jerusalem beat up Mortimer...And now to meet our lucky victims! Er, contestants. I mean contestants. Or do I?
Michelle: "Ive been married off to many a hot spare. Ive got this in the bag."Shes a Sagittarius Knowledge Sim.MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs writes the Planetary Apocalypse.Actual quote from Boolprop.com forums: "Hang in there, Spider. And if you need to marry anyone, keep me in mind, you darkcutie Reaper child!"
Gin: "These other girls may as well just move out now. Im the only one hes actually had a crush on in the regularneighborhood."Yeah, well, it lasted ten seconds and it wont happen this time around when I replay!Shes a Cancer Knowledge Sim.GintasticNecat writes The Science of a Legacy.Actual quote: "Spiders gone to college, now I can WooHoo him... Bwaaaaaaa Gin Want!"
De: "Cmon, Spider Jerusalem would make for some excellent genetic experimentation."Shes a Pisces Family Sim.email@example.com writes the Morgan and Pierce Legacies.Actual quote: "And yay, Spiders off to college (And looking gorgeous when he gets there, dear lord *swoon*)"
Styx: "You know he cant resist the Styx."Shes a Cancer Family Sim.StyxLady/lorddaeos writes Just Another Legacy.Actual quote: "Speaking of Spider, add me to the fangirl list."
Orikes: "There is no resisting the Orikes Mojo."Shes an Aquarius Pleasure Sim.Orikes/orikes360 writes the Pseudo Legacy.Actual quote: "OMG, if there is a hypothetical BC, I better be in there! He is quite the hottie!"
Kendra: "We outgoing types are drawn to each other like moths to a finger-gunning flame! Those shy girls dont stand achance!"Shes a Leo Pleasure Sim.riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271 writes the Punk Legacy.Actual quote: "I still love him! So cute! So conflicted! I want to hug his little emo self."
Kaiyah: "He is the hotness. I am the coolness. And we all know that opposites attract."Shes a Libra Knowledge Sim.Kaiyah/Kaiyah2 writes Legacy Shmegacy.Actual quote: "And you relieve us with a lovely shot of first Spiders butt, and then his handsome face."
This is our lucky bachelor: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, the angsty heartthrob spare-spawn of my Vetinari Dualegacy. Hes theGrim Reaper son of Legacy villain and Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress. In my Legacy, hes written as a little tortured and moreintroverted than is good for him, but around these here parts, hes going to be his own usual self. This may not be a goodthing for our SimSelves.Hes a Leo 5/9/5/5/1 Knowledge Sim. Like so many of my Vetinaris, he is a meeaaaan finger-gunner. Sadly, fangirls, he is notoutgoing enough to do any naked hot-tubbing. However, because I like to look at abs in pajama bottoms, he does havemaxed fitness. This does not bode well for our contestants, should they do something to make him mad. Like Admire him, orPrank him, or try to Hug him. He is capable of going from 0 to GRRRRRR in one double-minus interaction.Well, ladies, here he is. Any thoughts?
*swoon*Im sorry. Ill be good now, I promise. Ill just unpause and let the games begin.*click*Oh, and I zeroed out everyones relationship with Spider and his with them. Equal footing all around! Also, its Summer, atleast for the next few days.
Gin: "Hes hot, right?"Michelle: "So hot! And tormented!"Gin: "I want to heal his emotional trauma with hugs!"Styx: Oh, hey, I could totally get in on the hotness conversation!
Kaiyah: "So have you seen any rusty forks around here? You know, just in case?"Kendra: "I just wanna wait around and see if Gilbert comes by. Because you know that would be seriously awesome. Like,grab the lawnchairs and pop some popcorn awesome!"Kaiyah: "I know, right? And this time theres no kitchen to set on fire!"Kendra: "Rock on!"De and Orikes: CREEPY STAREUh, ladies? This is, in fact, a Bachelor Challenge, imaginary though it may be. One might assume that interacting with theactual bachelor would be a key to success.
"Im just gonna chill out here, if thats cool."Would you get back outside already?
Styx: "Youre great, Michelle! Too bad youre going to lose!"Michelle: "Thats not really admiration."Kendra: "So... rusty forks, you say..."Orikes: TICKLE FINGERSGin: Its really too bad theres no one for me to talk to.
Spider: OBLIGATORY FINGER-GUNDe: *whap*Everybody else: CREEPY STARE
Spider: This would be so much better if they were in their underwear. I dont think I want to suggest that, though.But someone finally breaks her Spider Jerusalem silence...
I swear I did not plan this. It just sort of happened. Spider just walked up to Gin and started chatting, apparently about whathed like to do to Gilbert, should he happen to show his face around the BC and attempt to steal any of Spiders SimSelves.If you have not read the Story of Gin, Spider Jerusalem, and Gilbert Jacquet, you should. Its a quick read, mostly becausethere are only so many ways to caption shots of Spider and Gilbert shoving each other.
"...and he got all smelly! It was disgusting!""Yes, I know, I was there. Dont you remember?""I remember poking Gilbert. And shoving Gilbert.""You dont recall the crush you had on me?""The what I had on who now?"
OK, confession time. I moved Spider in a day early so I could get him fit on the Dance Sphere, and who should show up inthe Welcome Wagon but none other than his arch-nemesis, Gilbert Jacquet? It was karma! Karma, I tell you!
Yup. Karma.They did not, however, beat the tar out of each other this time.
Spider: First one to turn around gets a water balloon to the face! Come on, just a little farther!
Spider: "You know, I really dont have a preference. Black Sabbath is classic, but Ozzys solo stuff is good too."Kendra: "Heathen."Kaiyah: "...and then hed be all like Noooooo! Not the rusty fork! "Gin: "Your obsession with the rusty fork seems a bit unhealthy."Mailman Pao: Just put the mail in the box. If you make eye contact, youll be sucked in.
"Hey, I think I see Johnny Rotten over there!""Where?"
*sploosh*Yeah, he could do this back home, but he doesnt. No idea why.
"Ahahahaha, that was awesome! Arent outgoing points great?""I dont know what Id do without my finger-guns!""Can you believe some people are actually shy?""Losers!"
Michelle: "Do you think we ought to be trying to interact with Spider Jerusalem?"Orikes: "Itd seem desperate if we came on too strong."De: "Really, no sense in throwing ourselves at him. The challenge is still young."Michelle: "But its only going to get old if we, you know, talk to him."Orikes: "You may have a point there."De: "Oh, is it my deal?"Michelle: "Whats wild?"De: "The one-eyed Jacks and the man with the axe!"Orikes: "Can we throw the Suicide King in there too?"De: "Okay!"Michelle: "Was there something else we were supposed to be doing?"Orikes: "Nope!"
Spider: "I could get used to this conversation thing."Gin: "So in this alternate reality, we totally had crushes on each other!"Spider: "Mmmmkaaaaayyy."De: "I hope Gins wearing kneepads if shes going to fling herself at him like that."Styx: "Yeah, I cant believe she thinks shes going to win just because of that teensy crush that lasted a nanosecond that hedoesnt even remember."Orikes: "I dunno, maybe she knows something we dont know."
Spider: "Finger-guns for the window! Lookin good! You keep on being see-through! All right!"Seriously, there was no one on the other side of the window, and the only people in the room are at the poker table behindhim.
He seems to know what to do with his stick. Im sure hed be happier with a partner, though.
"This is more work than I thought it would be!""Didnt you more or less volunteer for this?""Well, yeah, but I just sort of figured Id win on sheer volume of coolness without having to, you know, actually compete."
Kendra: "Weve all had chats with Spider! Time to celebrate!"Kaiyah: "Were so totally in the lead right now!"Gin: "Oh, hey, bar!"
Kendra: "So does anyone know when we get to the kissing? There will be kissing, right?"Kaiyah: "If theres not, I know somebody else whos getting the rusty fork treatment."
Gin: "Well, Ive actually kissed him before, and I must say, it was a bit disappointing."Kaiyah: "Really?"Gin: "Yeah, Gilbert standing there scowling really killed the mood. Not that I mean to brag or anything."Kendra: "Suuure, youd never do a thing like that."
Spider: "Im willing to make peace with Gilbert, as long as he promises to drop dead on the spot."
Kaiyah: "Im a big fan of best friends! Theyre the ones wholl post bail if you get caught stalking Mr. Big Jerk with a rusty forkin your possession!"Kendra: "Im glad Im not the one sitting next to her, Gin."Gin: "These forks arent rusty. Are they?"Kendra: "Youd better hope not."
"You know whats better than rusty forks? Heavy artillery! If I had some ICBMs, I could wipe Gilbert off the face of the planet!"
Kaiyah: "Do I earn bonus points if I clean? Look at me be tidy!"
"Ladies! You know where to find me!"...Ladies?"
And the Best Able To Take Care Of Herself Award goes to StyxLady, for her performance in "Autonomously Takes a ShowerBefore the Green-Fuming Begins!"A round of applause for Styx, everyone!
This is the part that makes me miss all my Sims with 9 or 10 active points. Larch would still be wandering around the housefinger-gunning anything that moves.
Michelle: "I saw that thought bubble! Take that, Styx!"Styx: "It only counts if he follows through on it!"Gin: So the ball goes in the cup... sounds simple in theory...
This strategy would be so much more effective if a) Spider Jerusalem were awake; and b) they left room for him at the pokertable.
This completely pointless slide brought to you by Squinge, the Sim Modder, and the Dance Sphere.We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.
"Honestly, some people! Cant even take thirty seconds to make their own beds! Good thing Im in no danger of being senthome, or else Id have to leave them like this!"
Michelle: "It was only a matter of time, really. The early bird catches the Spider!"Spider: "That was kinda creepy."Michelle: "Yeah, I realized that after I said it. Sorry."Spider: "Its cool."
Styx: "I get some Spider Jerusalem time!"Gin: "Well, the best way to ensure my victory is to sabotage the others!"
Gin: "Suddenly Im not so sure I want to win this anymore..."Spider: "Whoooo-eeeeee! I dont remember eating Sliders*!"Im sorry, this cracked me up. A lot.*"Sliders" is a slang term for White Castle hamburgers. If youre Southern, theyre like Krystals. If you live somewhere withouta White Castle or a Krystal, imagine a teeny, greasy hamburger you can eat in three bites, covered in limp, greasy onions.Theyre usually sold by the sack, and a person eating an entire sack of Sliders is very likely to leave aromatic gifts whereverthey go.
Des the first one to mention handcuffs! But is it too little, too late as the clock ticks towards noon?
Spider nabs the last seat at the poker table with Orikes, Michelle, and Kendra. But its 10:30; will this last-minute effort on thepart of Orikes be enough to save her from elimination?At noon, the contestants fall neatly into three categories...
The three frontrunners:Kendra, with a score of 42Gin, with a score of 34Kaiyah, with a score of 38
The "better step up your game" pair:Michelle, with a score of 13Styx, with a score of 12
And the "were you even trying?" pair: Orikes and De. One of these two will be going home with a score of 0, and the other willbe staying with a score of 7.So who goes and who stays?
Orikes? A door has been added to the computer room for your convenience. Well see you over at SimNerds shortly.
Stacilee: "Well, that was anticlimactic."Larch: "Eh, theres always someone who has no relationship with the bachelor or bachelorette in these things."SimNerd: "Orikes? Anything to say in your defense?"
"I dont really know what happened there. I guess I spent too much time playing cards, and not enough time stalking SpiderJerusalem. Ah well, De and I are friends at least. And I did get to see Spider in his jammies, which is a definite plus."
"You should have done this challenge with me instead of that nephew of mine. Family Sims dont need to be stalkedrelentlessly.""Larch, youre dead back home. Spider Jerusalems not.""Well, this is imaginary anyway, isnt it? What does the state of my corpsification matter?""It would be sorta creepy.""Meh. Theres one other reason you should have put me in that house.""And whats that?"
"Hey, Orikes, sorry you didnt win. But you get one great consolation prize. Uh, just as soon as Im done ogling him here. Feelfree to make friends, though."
"Whoo! Did someone crank up the thermostat in here, or is it just you?""Its aaaaalllllll me, baby."
Stacilee: "Cassidy? Leave the jerk."Di: "Oh yes, by all means, pack a bag and go!"
"I have no idea what youre talking about. Oh, hey, kitty!"
"Whos the little shameless attention whore?"When youre done with this, rub my tummy, scratch my head, scratch my chin, and give me catnip. Then we will play fetchwith a milk jug ring until I get bored, at which time you will rub my tummy again, and I will fall asleep on your feet. When Iwake up, there will be more tummy rubs and perhaps some tuna fish, and you will flush the toilet that I may drink out of it.And then tummy rubs.
Stacilee: "How does Cassidy not remember Mr. Big?"SimNerd: "Look, we can have Happy Goofball Cass, or we can have Cass Who Remembers The Dualegacy. Id rather haveHappy Goofball Cass. And its not like Spider remembers anything either."Stacilee: "Except Gilbert."SimNerd: "Spiders hatred of Gilbert knows no bounds."Stacilee: "What about Larch?"SimNerd: "Larch is Larch. I wrote him exactly as he was; no reason for him to forget anything. But, hey, no need to worry.Some things never change."
"Hiya, Spider. We have a kitty! Have you met the kitty?""Yeah, he met me at the door for tummy rubs."
"Can I interest you in some childrinions tonight?""Why yes. Yes you can.""Really?""Yup.""Huh. Usually this is much harder."
Orikes didnt win, but at least she looks happy, no?
Orikes: "You must work out."Larch: "Hey, if I walk around in my jammies all the time, I may as well look good doing it!"
OK, everybody...AaaaaawwwwwwwwAnd now Orikes can go to her house to placehold the next chapter, and Larch can go join her when the BC is over. We arenot done ogling him here, frammit!
"Check back soon for the next chapter! Can De spend enough time with Spider to save her from elimination on Day 2? WillKendra, Gin, and Kaiyah continue to dominate? Will Styx and Michelle step up their games? Who will be the first one to pushSpider Jerusalems buttons? Whos the naked hot-tubber of the group? We get one step closer to finding out who ends upwith Spider Jerusalem in Imaginationland!"
"Oh, honestly. Much as I like you, enough really is enough!"