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PARENTING
Do We Really                    Messages that I
Need Parental                   want to reach the
                                parents through
  Training?
                                this presentation...




     Devashish Konar, MD, Consultant Psychiatrist, Kolkata   1
PARENTING EVOLUTIONARILY PERFECTED

Parenting is a function of
Paleopallium, which is in existence
with animal beings for many million
years.                                   Neopallium
Now in the 21st century when man is
after understanding & perfecting          Paleopallium
everything, parenting is no exception.
It is true that, at times, there are       Archipallium
serious mistakes by not so
competent or careful parents.
An understanding of common failures
and ways to correct them may be
needed in few situations.
Awareness about what we do, why
we do and how we do may be a good
thing but, anything, which is good in
natural flow, should be allowed to
retain its beauty and charm.                              2
PARENTING – SPECIFICITY IN CASE
      OF HUMAN BEINGS

 To ensure survival is the chief
 task of parenting.
 The human infant is a particularly
 vulnerable creature, unable to
 look after itself until well into its
 middle childhood.
 In complex modern societies, the
 need for parental protection and
 supported living is stretching
 beyond middle childhood.




                                         3
MIX INTELECTUALISM JUDICIOUSLY
  WITH BIOLOGICAL PARENTING

 It is very difficult to have validated data in case of
 parenting.
 Mostly we go by empirical theories which sound rational
 and broadly based on psychological principles.
 You just have to keep the theories at back of your mind.
 You definitely do not want to interfere with natural
 parenting which comes biologically.




                                                            4
THE RIGHT MIX

Whether biological or
intellectual parenting
should be advocated.
Too little awareness may
harm parenting.
Too much of intellectual
dissecting also may harm
parenting.
Some bit of awareness
with biological parenting
may be the ideal
combination.
                              5
FUNCTIONAL AREAS

Parenting is not a single
generic activity but one made
up of numerous elements
involving every aspect of the
child’s functioning.
   Physical health
   Intellectual and
   educational function
   Social behaviour
   Mental health

                                6
PARENTING – CHANGING SCENARIO

 The significant rise in the status of
 mothers as women. Their ability to
 pursue careers in their own right, all
 press towards reduced involvement
 in parenting.
   Positive effect

   Negative effect

   Necessary arrangements

 Rising interest of fathers in
 parenting.
 Pruning of family networks and
 consequent necessary
 arrangements.
                                          7
AWARENESS AT THE BACK OF MIND



  Let’s not be
  mechanical, lest we will
  ruin the charm of
  childhood and parenting.

  Individual own themselves
  and not their children.



                              8
The most important
thing, a father can do
for his children, is to
love their mother.
  – Theodore Hesburgh




                          9
PREPARE FOR THEM BEFORE THEY
    COME TO YOUR WORLD




                           10
TODDLERS SAFETY




Make sure your crawling baby or toddler can’t get into
                                                  11
     the cleaning products or electrical outlets.
SPEED MATCHING




Every child has his or her own speed.
Unless he is hyperactive, which may need treatment
sometimes, you need to acknowledge this speed and should try to
adjust with this speed.
Otherwise the child is put into discomfort.
You being the mature one, you are expected to make more speed
matching than expecting the child to match your speed.            12
RESPECT YOUR CHILD




                     13
14
SIMPLE MANIPULATIONS MAY
       BRING GREAT RESULTS
If you want to correct
abnormal situations in
children assistance may
be needed
   Eating
   Sleeping
   Temper tantrums
Parent if inept may need
help
 Intelligence
 Adjustment problem
 Addiction


                               15
TEACH THEM TO AVOID JUNK FOOD




But make some concessions for
    the food of their choice.   16
There are two gifts we can give
          our children:




                            The other is wings.




One is roots.
IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD




Do not underplay the role of others. It is a job you
              can never do alone.                  18
DON’T DEPRIVE THEM FROM THEIR FANTASY LIFE


   Garuda
   Dragon
   Unicorn
   Sphinx
   Phoenix




                                       19
WHETHER YOU LIKE OR NOT;




 Children like to be with grandfather, grandmother, uncle,
aunt, cousins, the house-maid and then finally the parents.
                                                        20
EXTRA SUPPORT WHEN THEY ARE
    THROUGH TOUGH TIMES




                          21
DON’T GIVE THEM PUNISHMENT WHEN THEY ARE
        BEING PUNISHED ELSEWHERE.




                                     22
BE WITH THEM; NOT NECESSARILY
     GUIDE THEM ALWAYS.




                  What they like is
                  your company.       23
MEETING GENERATION GAP



Children and Adolescents have their peer group pressure to learn
new technology, to dress exotically and to try new adventures.
Do not just discard them by saying this was not done in your time.
Remember this too is your time and if anything is popular at this
point of time you need to acknowledge that and allow your children
to be part of that.
Little bit of change and little bit of old values make a good mix and
helps adjust both the generations.
If you are rigid implementing values of your own generation you
simply spoil the relationship with the new generation.
                                                                        24
OPEN-ENDEDNESS: DON’T TEACH
YOUR BELIEFS AND CONVICTIONS


Keep their minds open to
ideas.
You can tell them about your
beliefs. Don’t force your
beliefs on them.
Being exposed to all kinds of
ideas, they may come out
with something better.



                                25
CHILDREN ARE BY NATURE PLAYFUL




 Don’t need to present expensive toys all the time.
 Provide them with time, opportunity and company
 to play.
                                                 26
CHILDREN ARE USUALLY COPY CATS




 So give them a good role model
                              27
NO DOUBLE STANDARD PLEASE
 You don’t want him to be hooked to TV.
 You want your son to be interested in literature and want
 him to read lot of books.
 But you prefer watching TV and not reading.
 They don’t go together.




                                                         28
      IDIOT BOX                           WISDOM STORE
LEARNING


If I can not learn the way you
teach, teach me the way I can
learn
Each child should have
winning experience
Education & Examination have
become synonymous for
parents



                                 29
ALLOW FREE TIME


You need to keep free time for
your child if you want him to be
creative.
Look at yourself how many
brilliant ideas come to you
when you are bogged down
by a 12 hrs working schedule.




                                   30
OUR FRAME OF MIND MUST CHANGE

 In our country we always
 like our children to be
 thinking within the box.
 Innovation comes from
 thinking outside the box.
 Independent thinking,
 experimenting and
 entertaining different
 ideas with respect is
 needed to be innovative.


                             31
EXPOSE HIM TO THE WORLD
A monkey in the forest will know that the world is like a
forest.
Exposure makes your vision broad.
If you want your son to be involved in the affairs of the
world expose him to the world.




                                                            32
DEALING WITH INNOCENT MINDS

Be positive.
More praise.
Try to see the
behaviour from child’s
perspective.
What is small for adult
could be huge issue
for the child.


                              33
HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN THOUGHT TO
        THESE ISSUES?


      Leisure
      Adventure
      Co-curricular
      activities
      Sexuality


                            34
IT IS GOOD IDEA BUT IT JUST
WOULDN’T WORK WITH MY CHILD !




                            35
CHILD CHALKS OUT OWN PROGRAMME




          Allow flexibility   36
RIGHT DOSE OF ADVERSITY

Care and exposure to adversities both in proper dose.
Look at the plants adversities sometimes brings out the
best shape size and colour of the plant, provided
adversities are not severe enough to thwart the growth.
Focus on resilience




                                                          37
SO WHERE DO WE START?


Your word
                 You follow similar
and actions                                                You pay attention
                 principles or        You participate in
influence                                                  to your child’s
                 practices in your    your child’s life.
your child the                                             life and observe
                 words and
way you want                                               what goes on.
                 actions.
them to.
PARENTING TYPES:
   Authoritative
   Uninvolved
   Authoritarian
   Indulgent


    Unconditional love
      Reliable care
  Authoritarian approach




    Secure Attachment
                           39
MAJOR ISSUES
Early childhood
   Disobedience
   Tantrums
   Demanding
   Bad eating habits
Late childhood
 Discipline problem at schools
Early teen
 Self-esteem
Late teen
 Relationship

                                  40
DOES YOUR CHILD……?
Get frustrated easily?
Disrespect his or her friends?
Disrespect your family?
Stress easily?
Have an inability to express needs
appropriately?
Have little empathy towards
others?
Make poor choices?
Often seem moody?
Refuse to take NO for an answer?
Take no responsibility for
behavior?
Not talk about feelings?
Often seem in a negative mood.
Have a difficult time making
friends?

                                     41
COMMON PROBLEMS

ADHD
Learning difficulties
ODD
Conduct & Behaviour
like, lying, stealing.
Tantrum
Bed wetting
Autism
Depression
Obsession


                         42
AVOID OVER PARENTING
Give him time when he is
away from your eyes and
lives his own way.
He will find out his own
interests.
He becomes confident in
handling his own
problems.
If you are parenting him
well, your figure is present
within him even if you are
not around.

                               43
AVOID UNDER PARENTING

He has to learn to
discriminate between good &
bad.
He has to imbibe sense of
ethics.
Under parenting somehow
may make him independent
to the extent that he does not
understand other value of
going by norms of society and
may undergo unwarranted
difficulties in facing the world.
Try to optimise between over-
parenting and under-
parenting.


                                    44
PARENTING CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES



     Mental health problem
     Physical handicap
     Chronic illness
     Terminal illness




   Parenting gifted children may be
        even more difficult !
                                      45
UNUSUAL PARENTING

One parent families
Stepfamilies
Adoptive and foster
families
Families formed by
artificial reproduction
techniques



The fostering of stability in children’s lives is pivotal to
    their well-being, regardless of family structure.
                                                               46
ALAS! WE WERE ABLE TO SEE, THE WAY, A CHILD
        WANTED THIS WORLD TO BE !!




               Thank you.               47

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Parenting

  • 1. PARENTING Do We Really Messages that I Need Parental want to reach the parents through Training? this presentation... Devashish Konar, MD, Consultant Psychiatrist, Kolkata 1
  • 2. PARENTING EVOLUTIONARILY PERFECTED Parenting is a function of Paleopallium, which is in existence with animal beings for many million years. Neopallium Now in the 21st century when man is after understanding & perfecting Paleopallium everything, parenting is no exception. It is true that, at times, there are Archipallium serious mistakes by not so competent or careful parents. An understanding of common failures and ways to correct them may be needed in few situations. Awareness about what we do, why we do and how we do may be a good thing but, anything, which is good in natural flow, should be allowed to retain its beauty and charm. 2
  • 3. PARENTING – SPECIFICITY IN CASE OF HUMAN BEINGS To ensure survival is the chief task of parenting. The human infant is a particularly vulnerable creature, unable to look after itself until well into its middle childhood. In complex modern societies, the need for parental protection and supported living is stretching beyond middle childhood. 3
  • 4. MIX INTELECTUALISM JUDICIOUSLY WITH BIOLOGICAL PARENTING It is very difficult to have validated data in case of parenting. Mostly we go by empirical theories which sound rational and broadly based on psychological principles. You just have to keep the theories at back of your mind. You definitely do not want to interfere with natural parenting which comes biologically. 4
  • 5. THE RIGHT MIX Whether biological or intellectual parenting should be advocated. Too little awareness may harm parenting. Too much of intellectual dissecting also may harm parenting. Some bit of awareness with biological parenting may be the ideal combination. 5
  • 6. FUNCTIONAL AREAS Parenting is not a single generic activity but one made up of numerous elements involving every aspect of the child’s functioning. Physical health Intellectual and educational function Social behaviour Mental health 6
  • 7. PARENTING – CHANGING SCENARIO The significant rise in the status of mothers as women. Their ability to pursue careers in their own right, all press towards reduced involvement in parenting.  Positive effect  Negative effect  Necessary arrangements Rising interest of fathers in parenting. Pruning of family networks and consequent necessary arrangements. 7
  • 8. AWARENESS AT THE BACK OF MIND Let’s not be mechanical, lest we will ruin the charm of childhood and parenting. Individual own themselves and not their children. 8
  • 9. The most important thing, a father can do for his children, is to love their mother. – Theodore Hesburgh 9
  • 10. PREPARE FOR THEM BEFORE THEY COME TO YOUR WORLD 10
  • 11. TODDLERS SAFETY Make sure your crawling baby or toddler can’t get into 11 the cleaning products or electrical outlets.
  • 12. SPEED MATCHING Every child has his or her own speed. Unless he is hyperactive, which may need treatment sometimes, you need to acknowledge this speed and should try to adjust with this speed. Otherwise the child is put into discomfort. You being the mature one, you are expected to make more speed matching than expecting the child to match your speed. 12
  • 14. 14
  • 15. SIMPLE MANIPULATIONS MAY BRING GREAT RESULTS If you want to correct abnormal situations in children assistance may be needed  Eating  Sleeping  Temper tantrums Parent if inept may need help  Intelligence  Adjustment problem  Addiction 15
  • 16. TEACH THEM TO AVOID JUNK FOOD But make some concessions for the food of their choice. 16
  • 17. There are two gifts we can give our children: The other is wings. One is roots.
  • 18. IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD Do not underplay the role of others. It is a job you can never do alone. 18
  • 19. DON’T DEPRIVE THEM FROM THEIR FANTASY LIFE Garuda Dragon Unicorn Sphinx Phoenix 19
  • 20. WHETHER YOU LIKE OR NOT; Children like to be with grandfather, grandmother, uncle, aunt, cousins, the house-maid and then finally the parents. 20
  • 21. EXTRA SUPPORT WHEN THEY ARE THROUGH TOUGH TIMES 21
  • 22. DON’T GIVE THEM PUNISHMENT WHEN THEY ARE BEING PUNISHED ELSEWHERE. 22
  • 23. BE WITH THEM; NOT NECESSARILY GUIDE THEM ALWAYS. What they like is your company. 23
  • 24. MEETING GENERATION GAP Children and Adolescents have their peer group pressure to learn new technology, to dress exotically and to try new adventures. Do not just discard them by saying this was not done in your time. Remember this too is your time and if anything is popular at this point of time you need to acknowledge that and allow your children to be part of that. Little bit of change and little bit of old values make a good mix and helps adjust both the generations. If you are rigid implementing values of your own generation you simply spoil the relationship with the new generation. 24
  • 25. OPEN-ENDEDNESS: DON’T TEACH YOUR BELIEFS AND CONVICTIONS Keep their minds open to ideas. You can tell them about your beliefs. Don’t force your beliefs on them. Being exposed to all kinds of ideas, they may come out with something better. 25
  • 26. CHILDREN ARE BY NATURE PLAYFUL Don’t need to present expensive toys all the time. Provide them with time, opportunity and company to play. 26
  • 27. CHILDREN ARE USUALLY COPY CATS So give them a good role model 27
  • 28. NO DOUBLE STANDARD PLEASE You don’t want him to be hooked to TV. You want your son to be interested in literature and want him to read lot of books. But you prefer watching TV and not reading. They don’t go together. 28 IDIOT BOX WISDOM STORE
  • 29. LEARNING If I can not learn the way you teach, teach me the way I can learn Each child should have winning experience Education & Examination have become synonymous for parents 29
  • 30. ALLOW FREE TIME You need to keep free time for your child if you want him to be creative. Look at yourself how many brilliant ideas come to you when you are bogged down by a 12 hrs working schedule. 30
  • 31. OUR FRAME OF MIND MUST CHANGE In our country we always like our children to be thinking within the box. Innovation comes from thinking outside the box. Independent thinking, experimenting and entertaining different ideas with respect is needed to be innovative. 31
  • 32. EXPOSE HIM TO THE WORLD A monkey in the forest will know that the world is like a forest. Exposure makes your vision broad. If you want your son to be involved in the affairs of the world expose him to the world. 32
  • 33. DEALING WITH INNOCENT MINDS Be positive. More praise. Try to see the behaviour from child’s perspective. What is small for adult could be huge issue for the child. 33
  • 34. HAVE YOU EVER GIVEN THOUGHT TO THESE ISSUES? Leisure Adventure Co-curricular activities Sexuality 34
  • 35. IT IS GOOD IDEA BUT IT JUST WOULDN’T WORK WITH MY CHILD ! 35
  • 36. CHILD CHALKS OUT OWN PROGRAMME Allow flexibility 36
  • 37. RIGHT DOSE OF ADVERSITY Care and exposure to adversities both in proper dose. Look at the plants adversities sometimes brings out the best shape size and colour of the plant, provided adversities are not severe enough to thwart the growth. Focus on resilience 37
  • 38. SO WHERE DO WE START? Your word You follow similar and actions You pay attention principles or You participate in influence to your child’s practices in your your child’s life. your child the life and observe words and way you want what goes on. actions. them to.
  • 39. PARENTING TYPES: Authoritative Uninvolved Authoritarian Indulgent Unconditional love Reliable care Authoritarian approach Secure Attachment 39
  • 40. MAJOR ISSUES Early childhood  Disobedience  Tantrums  Demanding  Bad eating habits Late childhood  Discipline problem at schools Early teen  Self-esteem Late teen  Relationship 40
  • 41. DOES YOUR CHILD……? Get frustrated easily? Disrespect his or her friends? Disrespect your family? Stress easily? Have an inability to express needs appropriately? Have little empathy towards others? Make poor choices? Often seem moody? Refuse to take NO for an answer? Take no responsibility for behavior? Not talk about feelings? Often seem in a negative mood. Have a difficult time making friends? 41
  • 42. COMMON PROBLEMS ADHD Learning difficulties ODD Conduct & Behaviour like, lying, stealing. Tantrum Bed wetting Autism Depression Obsession 42
  • 43. AVOID OVER PARENTING Give him time when he is away from your eyes and lives his own way. He will find out his own interests. He becomes confident in handling his own problems. If you are parenting him well, your figure is present within him even if you are not around. 43
  • 44. AVOID UNDER PARENTING He has to learn to discriminate between good & bad. He has to imbibe sense of ethics. Under parenting somehow may make him independent to the extent that he does not understand other value of going by norms of society and may undergo unwarranted difficulties in facing the world. Try to optimise between over- parenting and under- parenting. 44
  • 45. PARENTING CHILDREN WITH DISABILITIES Mental health problem Physical handicap Chronic illness Terminal illness Parenting gifted children may be even more difficult ! 45
  • 46. UNUSUAL PARENTING One parent families Stepfamilies Adoptive and foster families Families formed by artificial reproduction techniques The fostering of stability in children’s lives is pivotal to their well-being, regardless of family structure. 46
  • 47. ALAS! WE WERE ABLE TO SEE, THE WAY, A CHILD WANTED THIS WORLD TO BE !! Thank you. 47