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Understanding & Responding to Bullying Part II

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Second night of the parent workshop

Second night of the parent workshop

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  • As a mom I think one of the best things we can do to help prevent bullying is set a good example. And I believe that we can help our children prevent bullying before it starts by creating classroom communities in which children's love and belonging needs are met. We need to teach children how to care about each other, how to use kind words, how to support each other's learning. As a way of helping everyone especially the parents, who find it quite hard to manage time, I found this great application which featured a safety app which gets me connected to a Safety Network or escalate my call to the nearest 911 when needed, it has other cool features that are helpful for your kids with just a press of a Panic Button. Check it here: http://www.SafeKidZone.com/
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    Understanding & Responding to Bullying Part II Understanding & Responding to Bullying Part II Presentation Transcript

    • Understanding & Responding to Bullying
      Part II
      Understanding the bully & targets
      Helping the bully & targets
      Parents & schools
    • Let’s have a QUICK Review
      Part I
      Increasing Your Awareness
      What Causes Bullying & What Can We Do?
      Tools for Strong Families
    • What is Bullying?
      P—Bullying is purposeful
      I—Bullying is imbalanced
      C—Bullying is continual
    • Spheres of influence: which ones can you affect?
    • THE BIG QUESTIONS
      A way to successfully approach problems within your family (problem solving model)
      What is your goal?
      What are you doing?
      Is what you are doing helping you achieve your goal?
      If not, what can you do differently?
    • Understanding the Bully
    • Aggressive Bullying: 7 Characteristics
      Most common overall and esp. among boys
      Often plays on an expectation of harm & then the fulfillment thereof
      Includes both physical and verbal aggression
      Usually look for a peer audience but will not bully in front of adults
    • 1. Aggressive bullies initiate overt aggression
      Need for an audience
      Social reward (attention)
      Accomplishes dual purpose—intimidation of target and bystanders
    • 2. Aggressive bullies have learned that bullying has payoffs
      Why bully? Why not!!!
      Means to achieving
      Prestige
      Power
      Influence
      Control
      Risk vs. Reward—usually there are no consequences, but even those there are may be worth the risk
    • 3. Aggressive bullies are fearless, impulsive and coercive
      Lack/Find unrewarding
      Ability to resolve conflicts peacefully
      Ability to plan and execute decisions; reflection
      Ability to be caring
      Coping Mechanism
      Fearlessness
      Impulsive action
      Coerciveness, using threats and violence
    • 4. Aggressive bullies are adaptable and use multiple forms of violence
      Hitting, kicking, other physical forms
      Threat of physical violence
      Damaging or stealing property
      Creating cliques
      Coercing others to join in
      Inciting fear through veiled means
      Often have reputations among peers and school personnel
    • 5. Aggressive bullies want to dominate others
      Need for control
      Need for power and influence
      Easily irritated when they don’t get their way
      Frustration leads them to attempt control of weaker students
      Openly and/or privately attack targets
      Taunt and isolate targets
    • 6. Aggressive bullies have little empathy for others
      Suppress perception or do not perceive feelings of targets
      This leads to feelings of distain/contempt/anger without regret
      Feeling that targets deserve what they get
    • 7. Aggressive bullies see the world with a “paranoid eye”
      Look at the world with suspicion
      React to accidental slights or normal negative experiences (a low grade on an assignment, being pumped in the hall, etc.)
      Unsettling and threatening to reputation
      Disturb sense of control
      Perceive these as personal offenses and deserving of revenge
    • Passive Bullying
    • Characteristics of Passive Bullies
      Use covert or indirect aggression
      Are generally dependent, insecure and anxious
      Lack strong inhibitions against aggression
      Commonly engage in social exclusion
      Often participate in (but are unlikely to initiate) aggression
      Lack social status among peers
      Are “camp followers” and “hangers on”
    • Relational Bullying
    • Characteristics of Relational Bullies
      Most common type among girls
      Attempts to gain power, prestige and influence by excluding others
      Uses exclusion to get even when they feel that they have been slighted or insulted
      Manipulate social patterns
      Spread rumors and lies
    • Cyberbullying
      Follows children into their homes—even bedrooms
      IMs, text messages, Facebook, email, blogs, chat rooms, online journals
      Unsupervised and feeling of anonymity—can lead to greater cruelty than face-to-face interactions
      Often unreported because children to not want to lose access to this private world
    • Sexual Harassment
      Defined as unwelcome
      sexual advances
      Requests for sexual favors
      Derogatory verbal slurs
      Interfering with an individual’s academic or social functioning
      Can be
      Cross-gender
      Same-sex
    • Helping Children Who Bully
    • Ten Warning Signs
      Frequent initiation of fights
      Disrespect toward authority figures
      Lack of concern about whether other people’s feelings are hurt or even apparent pleasure from hurting others
      Unwillingness to acknowledge mistakes or take responsibility for mistakes
      Disregard for rules
    • Ten Warning Signs (Continued)
      6. Lack of fear
      7. Teasing or intentionally harming pets or other animals
      8. Lying in order to get out of trouble or avoid negative consequences
      9. Use of anger and aggression to get one’s own way
      10. Unwillingness to trust or open up to others
    • What if My Child is a Bully?
      Signal your disapproval of bullying
      Signal your refusal to tolerate bullying in any form
      Say what you mean and mean what you say
      Develop your family environment so that people want to be in one another’s company
      Support your child’s interests
    • Skills for Children Who Bully
      Parents play a critical role in helping children acquire the skills necessary to stop bullying.
      MODEL
      TEACH
      TALK
    • Skills Training Process
      Step 1: Model the skill for your child to observe
      Step 2: Conduct a role-playing exercise in which the child enacts the skill
      Step 3: Provide feedback on how well the skill was enacted and what might make it better
      Step 4: Give your child “homework” to practice the skill in the real world
    • 3 Types of Impulsivity
      Intellectual
      • Children will think about what it is that they desire with increasing focus and intensity
      • Each thought fuels the next until action occurs
      Emotional
      • Behavior is driven by mood states
      • A child may become so overwhelmed with emotion that he may lose sight of his ability to think about the consequences of certain actions
      Physical
      • Feelings of tension in the body
      • Tingling, dizziness, headaches, or stomachaches
      • Bodily sensations are the most significant ways in which this child experiences the world
    • Impulse Control
      Teaching children to recognize their “triggers”– the events, settings, feelings, and/or thoughts that usually lead to their impulsive actions—will help them recognize times they are in a situation that could lead to bullying behavior.
      If a child can recognize the triggers, she can begin to recognize them as friends rather than foes and use them on the path toward developing better behavioral control.
    • When Your Child Loses Control…
      Ask your child the following questions:
      What happened?
      What were you thinking and feeling before you lost control?
      Give praise for self-awareness if trigger is identified and ask:
      What could you do if you have these thoughts and feelings again instead of losing control?
    • Cognitive Retraining
      Bullies will benefit from learning to think in a different way (retrain the “paranoid eye”)
      • What happened?
      • Why do you think the person did that?
      • What are some other reasons the person might have done that?
    • Help Your Child Build Empathy
      While watching television/movies ask your child the following questions:
      What do you think (insert character) is thinking?
      What is he/she feeling?
      How would you feel if this happened to you?
    • Problem Solving
      STOPP
      S—Stop: Stop, settle down, and be calm
      T—Think: Think about the problem and your goals
      O—Options: Think about the options or solutions to the problem
      P—Plan: Examine the consequences of different options, choose the best plan, and do it
      P—Plan working? If yes, great! If not, try a new plan!
      OR…try The Big Questions (from Part 1)
    • Understanding the Target
      a
    • Passive Targets
      Not actively doing anything to contribute to their victimization and have little responsibility for the outcome
      To some degree it is a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time
      Often feel threatened, scared, denigrated, humiliated, defenseless, and vulnerable
    • Passive Target Characteristics
      Generally have low self-esteem
      Describe their experience as one of social isolation and abandonment
      Tend to be smaller and have less developed physical skills
      May be targeted because of intellectual abilities
      May be of lower socioeconomic status
      Appear more anxious, nervous, and insecure than their peers
    • Provocative Targets
      Engage in behaviors that will actually provoke others to pick on them, tease them, or engage in physical fighting
      Characteristics include:
      • Purposefully does things that irritate others or otherwise initiate aggression
      • Want to be seen as influential and important
      • Often strive to get other children in trouble
      • Generally, are negatively viewed by peers and school staff
      • Are at risk for serious injury if their behavior escalates
    • Targets of Relational Bullying
      When someone is systematically excluded from a group or ignored by peers.
      An attempt to join the clique or group is often rejected
      Experience being ignored, treated as nonpersons, and help in contempt
      Common among girls and increases as children get older, develop effective social skills, and have a better understanding of exclusion
      Often overlooked because it is not apparent
    • Apply the PIC Criteria to Relational
      (P)Is it purposeful?
      Relational bullying is intentional and is often well planned.
      (I)Is there an imbalance of power?
      Clearly, those who are doing the excluding have power over the child who is denied participation
      (C) Is it continual?
      Relational bullying is rarely a single event. Once the persons doing the excluding have identified a target, they often continue to reject the individual
    • Bystanders
      People who witness or hear about
      bullying as also affected
      2 possible reactions:
      • Afraid
      Fear that if they interfere they will become the target
      Should realize they possess alternative strategies and resources to help the target
      • Guilty
      Can result in shame and remorse which can lead to sadness and general avoidance of the conflict.
      “Learned helplessness”, feel they are unable to have impact on their life or other’s
      Students who intervene won’t always be successful and it may even escalate the situation. But children tend to listen to each other and empowered bystanders are often effective in stopping aggressive behaviors
    • Boys vs. Girls
      Boys
      Typically more physical
      Targets of violent and threatening behavior
      Clearly observable
      Girls
      Typically more relational bullying
      Gossip, rumors, and social exclusion
      More difficult to observe
      Most common bystander
    • Helping Targets of Bullying
    • Ten Warning Signs
      Physical signs of fighting
      Frequent illnesses or trouble sleeping
      Sudden decrease in school performance
      Peer rejection
      Depression, unexplained or uncontrolled crying, thoughts or talk of suicide
      Avoiding certain groups at school, unwillingness to walk to or from school
    • Ten Warning Signs, continued…
      Sudden and unexplained changes in request for lunch items
      Development of tics, nail-biting or hair-pulling, bed-wetting
      Truancy or refusal to go to school or other activities
      Suddenly avoiding group activities (recess/lunch/ neighborhood gatherings)
    • Parents: how to help—7 methods
      1. Prize your child
      Do not overlook issues but deliver corrections respectfully
      Give alternatives
      Make it clear what behavior is unacceptable
      Make your child feel valued and loved
    • Parents: how to help…
      2. Praise your child
      Avoid negative comparisons
      Ideal versus real
      Be affirming and supportive
      Deliver 3 positives for every negative
      Activity: “Did you notice?”
    • Parents: how to help…
      3. Promote humor
      Avoid teasing each other over uncontrollable things (i.e., red hair, height, glasses, etc.)
      Help children to learn and identify what is funny without being harmful
    • Parents: how to help…
      4. Problem-solve instead of Punish
      Punishment is often for the punisher—to right a perceived wrong
      Involve your child in the process
      Go back to the 4 questions & ask yourself if your punishments fit
      Is it making your child more responsible?
      Is it problem-solving?
    • Parents: how to help…
      5. Practice what you preach
      Kids rarely tell parents how large an influence they have because this is a betrayal of kid culture!
      Your behavior, the way you treat friends, the way you treat strangers, what you say when you watch TV….
      Asking children to behave differently than you do teaches dishonesty
      Admit your mistakes!!!
    • Parents: how to help…
      6. Preserve your promises
      Follow through and honor agreements
      Necessary for the development of trust
      Tell your child when you are doing things that involve him/her
      i.e., when contacting the school about an issue
    • Parents: how to help…
      7. Promote consistency
      Children always test limits
      Sometimes easier (but not better!) to give in than to engage in conflict
      Keep firm limits!
      Limits also give children a way to avoid tricky situations…
      “I’d love to but my parents would kill me…”
    • Advice for targets
      Good advice
      Bad advice
      Ignore it
      Walk away
      Fight back
      Submit quietly
      Try not to react intensely
      This robs bully of emotional payoff
      Respond atypically: not like a bully and not like a target. Throw them!
      Don’t try to be invisible
      Approach first
      Empowerment!
      Not to suggest that targets are responsible—just to give them the skills to combat what they encounter
    • Skills for targets
      Targets often lack communication skills for dealing with conflicts
    • Importance of friendships
      Friends both insulate from bullying and teach coping skills
      Bullied children often have trouble finding/ keeping friends because they have developed negative expectations of people
      Low self-esteem leads to a cycle of social rejection and increased anxiety and desire to avoid social situations
      Coach your child to identify negative expectations and form more positive ones. Some possible tips:
      Make direct eye contact
      Ask to join in informal activities
      Good posture/confident body language
    • Assertive communication
      Assertive
      Aggressive
      Passive
      Respects others—standing up for self
      “I messages”
      Causes reflection
      Does not express needs
      Silence
      Causes anxiety in self and social reward in bully
      Violates others’ rights
      “You messages”
      Causes defensiveness
    • Passive, Aggressive and Assertive Responses
      Assertive
      Aggressive
      Passive
      “I’m using my money for lunch.”
      “Please stop teasing me—it isn’t funny.”
      Says “Please stop” and follows up with an adult if necessary
      “Okay, here’s my money”
      Does nothing when teased
      Cries when shoved in the hall
      “I’m telling everyone you’re a thief.”
      Hits the teaser
      Runs and hits the offender in the back of the head
    • Asking for help
      Decide what the problem is
      Who or what is causing it?
      How do you feel when it happens?
      Decide if you want help with the problem
      Can you solve it on your own?
      Who can help you?
      List as many people as possible
      Ask to speak to the person about the problem and discuss possible solutions
    • Help for bystanders
      Bystanders
      Empowering bystanders
      Potential source of help for targets but also targets themselves
      Experience fear and guilt, responsibility, remorse
      Can feel depression, conflict avoidance and “learned helplessness”
      Can best help through indirect intervention
      Tell an adult
      Express disapproval when it is safe to do so
      Support target afterward
      Talk about the incident with other bystanders
    • Parents and SchoolLet’s work together!
      If your child is involved in a bullying situation it can be happening at school
      Schools have the responsibility
      to maintain a safe and
      comfortable learning
      environment for students
      Enlist the school’s assistance, seek solutions, and work cooperatively
    • Positive School Climate
      Excellence in teaching
      School values
      Awareness of strengths and problems
      Established policies and accountability
      Caring and respect
      Positive expectations
      Support for teachers
      Positive physical environment
    • Reporting a Bullying Situation
      Parents report that communicating bullying to a school is stressful
      If your child is being targeted
      • Often you hear it directly from the child or school staff
      • Parents want their child to be protected
      Use the BIG Questions to report the incident(s)
      Resolve peacefully and effectively!
      What is your goal? Most likely to get your child safe; not to embarrass them further or create hostility between the school and family
      What are you doing? Try to remain calm and keep focused on the goal. When someone acts out of anger outcomes are not good for anyone
      Is what you are doing helping? Determine if your actions are assisting with keeping your child safe or not.
      What else can you do? Maybe it is necessary to take time to establish a plan with your child first, determine who would be best to speak with first and express your genuine concern, call a Family Meeting to involve others in decision making
    • Reporting a Bullying Situation cont.
      If your child is engaging in bullying:
      Typically hear from the target’s parents or the school
      Understandably hard to hear
      Often skeptical of what they hear
      Child often denies or lessens any bullying-like behavior
      Best to work with the school staff to find out the problem and establish a plan as effectively possible
    • Quesstion & AnswerReflection TimeComments