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Jealousy should come with a warning label
 

Jealousy should come with a warning label

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For FREE tips and advice on how to attract him, capture his heart and commit to you, visit http://decodinghim.com/subscribe. To know more about Rima, visit her website www.arimatherapy.com.

For FREE tips and advice on how to attract him, capture his heart and commit to you, visit http://decodinghim.com/subscribe. To know more about Rima, visit her website www.arimatherapy.com.

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    Jealousy should come with a warning label Jealousy should come with a warning label Document Transcript

    • www.arimatherapy.com www.DecodingHim.comJealousy Should Come With A Warning LabelIt should say: “Warning! Careful when handling! Contents may explode underpressure!” When you experience jealousy, it has the potential to damage your spirit,your mind, your heart, and your relationship, but only if you let it. Most people areaware that lasting jealousy not rooted in reality is not a healthy emotion to harbor andyet it can seem so difficult to kick the feeling. Jealousy might make you to feel insecureand mistrustful. If not dealt with correctly, it can turn from an emotion into actions thatperpetuate a negative cycle within the relationship. For example, you may find yourselfruminating over things you perceive to be happening, creating fictional stories in yourmind about your partner and others in their life, accusing your partner of infidelity,questioning them about their every move and sneaking around to check their Facebook,text messages, or e-mails. A cycle gets created within the relationship that can bedifficult to break free from and worse, can be detrimental to the survival of and level ofsatisfaction within the relationship.So what do you do? Do you ignore your emotions and your needs at the expense of therelationship, or do you let emotion override common sense and spiral into a space ofsadness and isolation? Luckily, you needn’t do either. It is possible to achieve balanceand harmony in your relationship while allowing all of your natural emotions to surface.Participating in active commitmentThe beginning of a relationship is a fun and exciting time. You spend time dating andgetting to know one another, deciding if you two will be compatible in an exclusiverelationship. If you are both happy and decide to move to the next step, you make therelationship official. You choose to be in a relationship with that person and you areboth saying, “I choose you!” to one another. You are actively choosing to becommitted. You choose to spend your life together (for the time being or forever) and todeclare to the world that you two are now an item and “off the market”. You might evenchange your Facebook status to “In a relationship”. Either way, it is understoodbetween the two of you that you are “together,” and stepping outside of the relationshipis unacceptable.Once this all takes place, you start to make choices, whether you are conscious of themor not. You make choices as to whether or not you communicate on a regular basiswith your partner about your feelings, your insecurities, your needs, and yourdesires. When you are in a committed relationship, you must choose to let go of theinsecurity that your partner wants someone else. If they do, it is not something that willbe controlled by being jealous and accusatory. When instances of jealousy do arise,especially in the beginning of the relationship, it is a healthy and normal reaction to theunknown. Usually, you don’t know specific details about your partner’s past so youmight start to make assumptions when you hear stories or see pictures. Again, youhave a choice. You can let your mind run wild with fantasy about what your partner
    • www.arimatherapy.com www.DecodingHim.comthinks, feels, and does or, in this instance, you can create a habit of healthy dialogue inwhich you explore your own fears on the subject and communicate them with yourpartner.When my partner and I experience jealousy, we use it as an opportunity to createdialogue between us. We explore issues like what it means to be jealous, what aboutthe situation felt uncomfortable, and what the reality of the situation is versus what weperceive in our minds. We talk about how it can feel good to have someone feel jealousover you, and how it can be dangerous. The culture of the relationship is such thatthere is space for these emotions and we do not berate one another for feeling a naturalhuman emotion. Perhaps we might not be excited with ourselves or the other person forexperiencing jealousy, but we do not judge one another or ourselves. We notice it,discuss it, and move on.Does that mean that the jealousy is justified? It might be, or it might not be. It typicallyis not related to the other person’s actions and instead to something the jealous partneris experiencing internally or has experienced in the past. It does not, however, meanthe other partner is obligated to change their behaviors or the situation that caused thejealousy. This is dependent on each unique situation that is the cause of jealousy andon each partner’s needs and levels of comfort. Having space in the relationship foropen dialogue allows you to explore these issues and possible solutions togetherconstructively instead of harboring the emotions in a negative way, ultimately crackingthe relationship’s foundation. Just remember, you chose each other!Retaining a sense of selfLet’s face it, relationships can be challenging and can seem like hard work attimes. Essentially, when you are in a serious, long-term relationship, you havededicated your life to another person. That idea can be scary for a lot of people, andnot to be stereotypical, but men especially can have fears of committing to one personforever. When exploring where this fear comes from, it makes sense to me that peoplemay fear losing their individual sense of freedom to interact with whomever they please,and I’m not talking about in a sexual way. It is common for people to have friendshipswith members of the opposite sex (or same sex, where applicable) that are not sexualor romantic. Should one be expected to cut off all ties to the opposite sex because theydecided to commit to one person? The inability for many individuals to get over theirinsecurity of feeling jealous in this situation causes others to fear commitmentaltogether.You know how hurtful, annoying and frustrating it is when you have a good friend whocan’t hang out with you anymore because their new girlfriend or boyfriend is “jealous” ofyou. It doesn’t feel good for anyone, and you know that your friend’s new partner hasnothing to worry about. Heck, you and your friend’s partner would probably get alonggreat if they made an effort to get to know you instead of reacting out of jealousy. Inrejecting the friendship, their new partner is essentially saying that they now own your
    • www.arimatherapy.com www.DecodingHim.comfriend now and your friend must conform to making their partner comfortable byneglecting friendships, or they risk being punished with judgment and jealousy. You andyour friend both end up feeling resentful, even if you don’t admit it to one another.It isn’t fair to expect someone to erase his or her life pre-you, and you wouldn’t wantanyone to expect that of you either. If you try to stifle someone’s essence and theperson they were before they were in the relationship or the connections they had prior,you are disrespecting that person and the relationship. You do not dictate their life, nordo you have the same social needs and desires as they do. You are two separatepeople, and owe it to yourselves and to the longevity of the relationship to retain asense of yourself. If you are open and curious, your partner will most likely invite youinto those relationships. Take the perspective you would want your friend’s new love totake; be truly inquisitive about your partner’s past and their friends, male orfemale. Learn about who they are and were before you became a part of theirlife. Learn to be comfortable with qualities they find attractive in others, whether theyare of the same or the opposite gender, and allow yourself to experience that attractionfor that person as well and to see it for what it is, simply an attraction. We are attractedto people and their different qualities all the time. It is human nature, and it is biological,but it doesn’t mean we want to rip that person’s clothes off right then and there andcheat on our partners with no reservations or second thoughts.When jealousy cannot be quelledSometimes jealousy can feel really intense and becomes too difficult to handle. First,remember that you cannot judge yourself. It’s normal to feel jealous, and it’s okay whenour emotions get the best of us at times. That is the reality of life, and no matter howprogressed we are spiritually or how in control of our emotions we like to believe we are,there’s always instances in life that cause us to experience strong emotions that feeloverwhelming. Notice the feeling. Then you decide what to do with it. See the jealousyas a warning sign (and this technique works with any emotion you perceive to benegative), like it’s saying, “There’s material to work on here! There’s discomforthere!” You take that sign and you do the work, whatever that is for you. It might beseeing your therapist, writing in your journal, engaging in your self-hypnosis ormeditation, painting a picture reflecting your emotions, or writing a song. Whatever youdo to take care of yourself should be employed as you explore the source of thejealousy. Keep in mind that emotions are natural warning signs that there’s work to bedone, but it is not healthy to be owned by the emotion and let it inundate everyinteraction you have; that’s when negative emotions can literally create disease in thebody.Perhaps you experience lasting jealousy because you were hurt in a past relationship oreven in this relationship now. If your current partner has been unfaithful in the past andyou chose to stay with them despite it all, the work you need to be doing is onforgiveness and rebuilding the trust. Remember that you made the decision to stay inthe relationship; punishing your partner away with jealousy and unreasonable rules is
    • www.arimatherapy.com www.DecodingHim.comneither appropriate nor healthy. Seek the help of a professional if it feels difficult tomake progress on your own.Beware of the jealousy cycleIn a situation where someone feels like they are being told what to do or have to behavein a way that is uncomfortable to them because their partner feels jealous, most peoplewill do one of two things: they will do what they want anyway and lie about it, which willcause them to feel unnecessarily guilty and can lead to intimacy issues; or they will doas their partner wishes and end up resenting their partner as a result. Both partnersend up feeling frustrated.If you are constantly accusing your partner of cheating on you either physically oremotionally, you create a cycle in the relationship. Your fear leads to anger in both ofyou, which leads to resentment in both of you. Your partner might feel a lack ofemotional connection as a result of this cycle, as if they cannot break through thebarriers that jealousy creates. They might want to look outside the relationship for asense of deeper emotional connection. People may feel the need to seek out comfortfrom past partners or friends if they are not feeling nurtured and appreciated in theircurrent relationship. By participating in the cycle, you create exactly what you wereafraid of. Hostility ultimately creates stress, and we are now well aware of the medicallydetrimental effects the stress hormone, cortisol, has on the body. Cortisol literallymakes you sick, fat, and ugly. Google it.Sometimes jealousy can be an indication that things aren’t as exciting in the relationshipas they used to be and you fear your partner is getting bored (perhaps you are feelingbored as well). Instead of focusing on what makes you jealous, concentrate ondiscovering what interests your partner has in all areas, especially sexually. Constantlyemphasize spicing up the sexual connection and on being adventurous with oneanother behind closed doors where it is safe and fun. You will be amazed how quicklyyou will forget your negative emotions when you can’t get your hands off of each other.Don’t forget to always take care of yourself. Exercise consistently in a way that isfulfilling for you and your partner. Remember that appearances do matter, and keepingup with your looks is important for you both no matter how long you have been in arelationship with someone. Consciously have a warm demeanor when you greet yourpartner no matter what you are dealing with internally or in the world, or even if you arepeeved at them; be excited to see your partner when they come home from work orwhen you come home and tell them you are excited to see them, how sexy they are,and how much you missed them!Finally, understand that jealousy can come from simply now knowing, whatever thatmay mean. Break the cycle by asking yourself, “And what do I know about thisrelationship now?” Answer honestly, and take an assessment of what you know. If you
    • www.arimatherapy.com www.DecodingHim.comhave zero doubt about your partner and your relationship, then there is no reason toharbor incessant jealousy and mistrust. If you do indeed experience doubt repeatedly(I’m not talking about the fleeting thoughts we might all have here and there), considerwhat that doubt is saying about the stability and future of your relationship. It might betime to do you both a favor and end the relationship now. If two people are trulyconnected on spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional levels, they will rarely, if ever,experience doubt, whether it comes in the form of lasting jealousy or another negativeemotion. They understand and respect one another’s needs and growth, and wishhappiness and fulfillment for one another. A misalignment in any of these four levels,however, will result in disharmony (which might be experienced as jealousy), so seeyour negative feelings and emotions as red flags to deeper problems and then explorethose honestly.Striving for healthy balanceRelationships are about finding healthy balance. If your partner talks to his ex, find outwhat that’s about. Have an open dialogue about why it bothers you while also listeningto what it means for them and their reasoning for doing so. Perhaps your partner ishelping their ex through a difficult situation and is not something that happens on aconsistent basis. You have to choose if you can deal with it; if you can and want to staytogether, you have to let it go. You should both have a mutual understanding that youwill never check each other’s phones, e-mails, Facebook, whatever, in a sneakyway. There is a trust that is violated when you cross that line that cannot be takenback. What you read and see might be grossly misinterpreted and you can never forgetit. Then you have to confront them about it, and you might have misinterpreted it, andthen you are the fool, left feeling confused and hurt. It’s never a good idea.The bottom line… jealousy is normal. You cannot control it sometimes, no matter howmature you think you are. I had a client whose boyfriend would leave the country forwork as an actor and would leave for a month or so at a time. She found herself feelingintensely jealous no matter how much she tried to avoid it and tried to understand hiscircumstances. The biggest revelation for her was when she understood that herjealousy was a totally normal and expected reaction to her unique situation. We workedon noticing it and not judging it and being okay with having the initial reaction. We usedit as an indication of discomfort and then did the work that accompanied it, which wouldlook different for each person and each situation.When appropriate, have an open dialogue with your partner at a time when you’re bothcalm and open instead of using accusatory statements when you’re angry in the heat ofthe moment. This might look something like, “I feel insecure when you go places whereyour ex is hanging out if I’m not there… can we talk about that?” instead of “It pisses meoff that you go places she is if I’m not there! I can’t believe we’re fighting about thisagain!” In a relationship, you can’t have any expectations of how your partner willchoose to live their life. You can simply be open and hope that, as a couple, you willfind compromises that you are both comfortable with.
    • www.arimatherapy.com www.DecodingHim.comOnce you experience jealousy, you have to make a choice. Ask yourself, “And what doI do with this jealousy now?” The following actions you take should align with yourrelationship goals for the future. Do you want your relationship to sail smoothly acrossthe ocean into the horizon or do you want your relationship constantly battered by theincessant, unforgiving waves of jealousy, causing it to slowly sink to the bottom of thedeep, dark sea? Only you can decide.About the authorRima Danielle Jomaa is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist Intern (63338)from Southern California. She received her Masters of Arts in Clinical Psychology withan Emphasis in Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. Rima hasgained experience working with many diverse populations through her work atcounseling centers, elementary schools, middle schools, and in homes. Rima is now inprivate practice in West Los Angeles under the supervision of Eric Kastan, LMFT47461.Rima is practices hypnotherapy and is a certified level one Reiki healer. Rima isdedicated to providing healing emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Rima believesthat healing encompasses many unique modalities and that we each need to explore tofind what works best for us. Rima is dedicated to helping clients find holistic healingthrough education and awareness. Rima subscribes to a compassionate, veganlifestyle and seeks to help others that are interested in learning more aboutcompassionate lifestyles on their own paths to wellness.Please visit www.arimatherapy.com for more information on Rima’s practice andservices.For more free tips and insights on what really attracts a man, how tomake yourself irresistible to him and how to capture his heart, click thelink below.www.decodinghim.com