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Interview with Lauren Trecosta
 

Interview with Lauren Trecosta

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For FREE tips and advice on how to attract him, capture his heart and commit to you, visit http://decodinghim.com/subscribe. To know more about Lauren, visit her website ...

For FREE tips and advice on how to attract him, capture his heart and commit to you, visit http://decodinghim.com/subscribe. To know more about Lauren, visit her website www.CounselingBreakthrough.com.

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    Interview with Lauren Trecosta Interview with Lauren Trecosta Document Transcript

    • Interview withLAUREN TRECOSTAPresented by Kajay WilliamsThis report is NOT for sale and may not be resold. This is a FREEreport and may be freely distributed or shared, provided none of theinformation or links are changed.
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 1DisclaimerThe material included in this report is intended for informational purposes only and in no way ismeant to substitute for individualized mental health therapy provided in person by a professional.No claim to cure, treat, diagnose or otherwise provide mental or behavioral health care isguaranteed, promised or implied by this report. We do not accept any liability or injury, loss, ordamage incurred by the use of, or reliance upon, information contained in this report.If you are in need of mental health services, please contact a licensed professional. If there is animmediate or life threatening crisis, or any other mental health emergency, CALL 911.
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 2Q and A with Lauren TrecostaQ1. Can you walk through some of the major differences in the waymen and women communicate?Men’s and women’s communication styles are not rigid and entrenched in onlyone way of being.Having said that, in general, I’m more likely to find men begin speaking fromtheir head and include their heart while women begin with their heart and includetheir head. I find men’s communication focuses more on action while women’sfocus is more on feelings.As a result, I find that men and women are often communicating on two parallelplanes. Men often feel like they’re being told how to be, and women often feel likethey’re being told what to do. Both speak with good intentions and with love, butsometimes, in spite of their best efforts, find that their words fall flat. As a result,each is inclined to feel misunderstood, hurt, resentful, and under-appreciated.Take, for example, a woman talking to her partner about a problem at work. Hermale partner is likely to show loving support by telling her how to resolve theproblem. For him, this clearly shows that he has been listening and cares.Otherwise he would not be offering her a solution.A woman, conversely, talks about her feelings in order to feel understood andvalidated, not to be told what to do. Once validated, she sets about coming upwith the solution herself. When her partner tells her what to do or what sheshould have done, she feels like he is not listening — and becomes increasinglyagitated.They are on parallel planes, never to meet as long as the act of “listening” meanssomething different to each of them.
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 3It is important for her to know that for him, he is actively listening and showinghe cares by offering a solution. It is important for her to validate that — even if itis not the kind of support she wants. Furthermore it is important to let him knowthat she only wants him to validate her feelings; that that feels like listening andloving support to her.It is important for him to understand that what he intends as support (telling herwhat to do, should do, or should have done) comes through as judgmental andcritical. It is important that he understands that he doesn’t have to tell her how tosolve the problem in order to show her he is listening. He only has to activelylisten and validate her feelings.Q2. I cannot tell you how common the problem is- women wanting tojust share their feelings and men wanting to fix problems. Can you talkabout why this problem doesn’t appear in the early stages of therelationship? Is it because both men and women are more open to eachother during the stage or do they just ignore the minor communicationirritants that creep up every now and then. In other words, why does itget worse as the relationship progresses than during the early stages?I think it happens for a couple reasons.First, I believe that the role that you fill as a girlfriend or boyfriend is differentfrom the role you fall into as a wife or husband. We don’t have the same role-models or expectations for dating relationships that we do for marriedrelationships.Second, I believe that it is possible that women may interpret a man telling herhow to solve her problem as someone caring enough to listen and tell her what hethink. In short, she may be more prone to interpret it is as a loving behaviorwhereas years into a relationship it may feel a little too familiar, a little too much
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 4like him telling her what to do, and a little too much like him not believing in herabilities.Conversely, it is possible a man may be more prone to be more stand-offish withadvice earlier in the relationship because it may feel too intimate andpresumptuous.‘A knight in shining armor’ in a dating relationship may initially meet thesubconscious or fantasized needs of both the man (to be a protector) and woman(to be protected) early on in a relationship. In a married relationship, theunrealistic fantasy is unsustainable. The man can’t solve all his wife’s problems,and she gets annoys when he tries. She wants to be valued as a capable person,and he would likely appreciate being valued as her everyday hero who loves herand has feelings, too.Q3. One of the common questions we get from women is ‘Why don’tmen listen?’ Many women believe that men hear but don’t listen tothem when they talk. Of course this is a sweeping generalization, but itis a complaint we hear again and again. Are there certain changeswomen can do when they communicate to make it easier for men tolisten to them?Yes. Men and women — people in general — have different interpretations ofwhat listening means to them. Consider the parent who tells their child, “Listento me,” when in fact the child is probably listening but not acknowledging ordoing what the parent expected.Couples are well-advised to consider what they expect their partner to do or sayas a part of listening. It is a good idea for couples to actually sit down and discussthe elements of a conversation that works for them. This may be difficult to dowithout facilitation, because we’re actually talking about elements that we oftentake for granted. For example, a woman may want her man to pause and look her
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 5in the eye to acknowledge or validate something. A man may prefer that thewoman, if she wants to converse, give him some lead time before he has to breakhis concentration from what he is doing.There may be levels of conversation to consider. By carefully talking about them,both the man and the woman can develop insight and share what works for them,what doesn’t, what they expect and want, and how they can both go about gettingthis.Q4. I have heard from men that sometimes women take too long to getto the point and don’t truly tell what they want. In other words, mensometimes feel like they are made to guess which many say they arenot good at. Again that may be a sweeping generalization but let’s afairly common problem. On the other hand women say it is ridiculousto expect them to detail each and everything they want and expecttheir partners to know what they are talking about.In other words, women feel that if I need to tell my partner that heneeds to text at least once a week ‘I love you’ then it really doesn’tcount as an act of love because she is asking him to do it instead ofhim doing it on his own. But men seem to more receptive to takingaction as long as it is task oriented or something more specific anddefinitive or they feel it is ridiculous to do these acts of love and oftensay, ‘Of course, I love her and she knows it too, why do I have to keepsaying that’.How can couples work on these differences constructively to keeptheir intimacy and passion alive?
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 6I believe that the best conversation reflects the best of what both men and womenhave to offer. Conversations can be to-the-point, share emotions, task -oriented,and very effective.If we take each other’s feedback personally, then we miss the point of what they’resaying. Men who say that it feels like conversations never get to-the-point andleave them wondering what to do to make it better are sharing importantinformation. It isn’t uncommon for men’s feelings in this regard to be minimized,but they are important. Essentially, if the conversation feels endless, without apoint, and without a clear way to make it better, a man will likely feel at a loss,discouraged, somewhat resentful, and increasingly reluctant to engage in theseconversations.In the same way men are challenged to share their emotions in a more expansivemanner, women are challenged to share their emotions in briefer, more task-oriented manner.I’ve heard these complaints, too. Men don’t like to guess what their women need,and women don’t like to tell. This has the beginning of two parallel existences.Men and women are likely to show love in the way they like to be shown love.Just like a birthday gift, you may get something that shows someone’s love foryou, but you may not fully appreciate because it doesn’t speak to you in the sameway it speaks to them. A woman may get up and make her man breakfast, and hemay not be someone who wants to eat in the morning. Or a man may make hiswife fresh orange juice every day, but she may prefer a simple I Love You textduring the day.It is why we take the time to tell our partners what loving behaviors really speakto us. Many behaviors we just do because they feel natural to us. Some behaviorswe do as a gift for our partner to show our love. We attempt to learn somethingnew, do something different, grow awareness of how we are different from eachother. And so, instead of making a birthday or Christmas list, we make a list of
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 7loving behaviors. Things we’d like our partners to do to show love to us. As wellas try to be mindful and appreciative of the things we already do.Q5. It reminds me of Dr. Gary Chapman who talks about the differentlove languages and how the love language we speak is so differentfrom the love language of our partner. And what you say makes sense,because we tend to do things, buy gifts and express our love in waysthat are most natural to us without realizing what we are doing maynot be appealing to our partners.Can you talk about some dos and don’ts for couples when they engagein conflict and are there any common mistakes that you see womenmaking when they engage in conflict?I’d like to be clear, at first, that communication is a dance of two. So while I focuson what women can do, it is reasonable to assume that, in general, there arechanges men can make to improve their communication, too.In general, I believe that women may get stuck in their emotions. So the men hearthem, but don’t know how to make it better. I would encourage women to movetoward the specific behavior that is bothering and what specifically they wouldprefer instead. This helps move the conversation to effective closure.I would also suggest that women think about what the successful, reasonable, andrealistic closure to a conversation would be. Assert, share emotions and whereyou’d like the relationship to head, and then bring it to closure. Leaving it open-ended is likely to leave both of them frustrated; the man feeling like there isnothing short of complete change that will make her happy and she feeling likeshe will never be heard.I also encourage her to not take her partner’s resistance personally. At the firstsign of trouble, I recommend trying to find out what is standing in the way of
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 8effective communication. By and large, it is because both partners have issues thatcould use airing. It takes awareness to agree that is more than one issue, anagreement to deal with one issue at a time, and commitment to follow through oneach issue in time.Sometimes, I find that women ask their men to share their feelings, but then don’trecognize or validate the man’s feelings when they do. Instead, the man’s feelingsare taken as resistance to the woman being heard.Q6. Another question my women readers ask me quite often is howcan I be assertive without coming across as a nag?Here is an example, the husband tells his wife that he would clean thegarage during the weekend and does not do that. The wife gentlyreminds him and the husband tells her that he would get it to it.Another weekend passes, but the cleaning never happens. The wifegets increasingly frustrated and she nags because he does not do whathe said he would do. The husband on the other hand feels ‘What’s thebig deal, I will eventually get it to it’ while the wife feels her husbandis deliberately ignoring her feelings.What is the right way to communicate in this type of situation?This encompasses three issues. One is communication, the next is identification ofthe problems, and the third is ownership of the respective problems.As a therapist, I would probe to find out what about cleaning the garage was soimportant to the wife. Ironically, this is actually in line with what her husband isasking without taking his communication personally. “What is the big deal aboutthis for me?” This will help her get to the next step which is why is this makingher upset.
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 9As a therapist, this helps elucidate the underlying theme. Is it that he makespromises that he doesn’t keep? That she feels the workload is imbalanced? She’sneat, and he’s messy? Does she want to be able to park the car in the garage? Is itthat he actually contributes a significant amount, and she wants him to contributeeither more or what she wants him to do? In other words, I’d be interested infinding out the balance of controlling versus lack of follow-of-through.In terms of communication, I encourage clients to begin with ownership of theirproblem or emotion. I give clients a standard phrase, “When I see that the garageis messy at the end of the weekend, I feel upset because I want to be able to parkmy car in there when it snows this week. I’d appreciate it if you let me know:(choose one, not all, that fit for you):- what is standing in the way of being able to get it done OR- if there is anything I can do to help give you time to make it happen OR- if you choose your words carefully so that when you say you’ll dosomething in a certain time-frame, you do OR- if you get it done before Thursday because that is when they are predictingsnow.Of course, this is oversimplified, but it is a start. Usually couples are soentrenched in their own frustration that it is hard to actively listen and validatetheir partner. Letting both partners air the frustrations and learning a new danceof communication is where therapy comes in.Q7. When couples engage in conflict, blaming and criticizing happenquite often which may further aggravate the conflict and damage theunderlying relationship. Are there certain words or phrases that youwould advise couples to avoid using when they argue? Are therecertain words or phrases that can help diffuse the conflict?
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 10In general, I encourage clients to avoid starting with you. “You do this, you dothat….” Accusing and blaming will just worsen the situation. If a couple findsthemselves so upset that they can’t speak civilly or respectfully (even if they areangry) to each other, it is time to table the conversation until they can.Ultimately, again it is where I see therapists come in, couples need tocommunicate about communicating. This way they will understand what works,what doesn’t (and why), and how to create an environment where both people feelrespected and heard.Q8. Many women play the role of a martyr in a relationship by puttingthe needs of their spouse, their kids, colleagues at work etc that theyalmost forget attending to their needs and sometimes even feel guiltywhen they do so. They may be quietly unhappy and may feelunappreciated without openly complaining or talking about theirproblems to the point that their spouse may not even know howunhappy they are. How can women express how they truly feel and talkabout their problems in a manner that brings a healthy andconstructive discussion?This is very possible, but does not happen at the flip of a switch. As a therapist,that I would look begin looking into four areas. The first is her current behaviorof over-doing for others and neglecting herself, the second is the modeling shereceived as a child, the third is her role as a child, and the fourth is how isunhappiness showing itself. I encourage someone in her position to get help tofind her voice.It is possible. It is easiest to begin to find your voice in a safe environment withsomeone who has no expectations of you and where you have the time and spaceto test it out with very low risk attached. It is her private journey, and then, asshe is ready, she asserts herself more and more with her family.
    • Interview with Lauren Trecostawww.DecodingHim.com 119. What would be your single most important advice for womenlooking to get married in the near future?My single most important advice for women getting married is two-fold: the firstis to make sure they are 100% certain, and there are no ‘but’s’ following after amoment or three pause, and the second is to make sure they are getting marriedthey are getting married for love and healthy reasons and not fear, insecurity,need, loneliness, or because they think it is what they should be doing.About Lauren TrecostaLauren Trecosta, LPC, is the Counselor on the Road who provides accessible andaffordable counseling to couples who want a better relationship. She offers courses, anadvice column, on-line individual and couples counseling, and small group work.To know more about Lauren, visit her website, www.CounselingBreakthrough.com.For more free tips, insights and advice from hundreds of experts and authors on datingand relationship advice for women, visit www.DecodingHim.com.