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Interview with Dr. Randi Gunther

Interview with Dr. Randi Gunther



For FREE tips and advice on how to attract him, capture his heart and commit to you, visit http://decodinghim.com/subscribe. To know more about Dr. Randi, visit her website www.randigunther.com.

For FREE tips and advice on how to attract him, capture his heart and commit to you, visit http://decodinghim.com/subscribe. To know more about Dr. Randi, visit her website www.randigunther.com.



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    Interview with Dr. Randi Gunther Interview with Dr. Randi Gunther Document Transcript

    • Interview withDr. RANDI GUNTHERPresented by Kajay WilliamsThis report is NOT for sale and may not be resold. This is a FREEreport and may be freely distributed or shared, provided none of theinformation or links are changed.
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 1DisclaimerThe material included in this report is intended for informational purposes only and in no way ismeant to substitute for individualized mental health therapy provided in person by a professional.No claim to cure, treat, diagnose or otherwise provide mental or behavioral health care isguaranteed, promised or implied by this report. We do not accept any liability or injury, loss, ordamage incurred by the use of, or reliance upon, information contained in this report.If you are in need of mental health services, please contact a licensed professional. If there is animmediate or life threatening crisis, or any other mental health emergency, CALL 911.
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 2Q and A with Dr. Randi GuntherQ1. Can you explain the difference between loving someone vsidolizing someone vs being obsessive about someone?Obsessive idolization only occurs during the first (and often ending) phase of arelationship when people are caught up in romanticism. Romantic love iscrisscross parental love mixed with sexual lust. Very heady stuff. The wordsobsessive lovers use, “baby”, “sweetie-pie,” “angel,” etc., are those you would nevercall a peer, only someone you were treasuring as a baby or idolizing as a hero.The people in romantic relationships may be very mature in other areas, or,unfortunately, young across the board, but intimacy requires the willingness tofree your love to be the best he or she can be, whether they are with you or not.Romantic love is not only based on the insecurity of potential abandonment butmust hold both partners in a time warp of no change ever. “Don’t change a hairfor me.” “I’ll love you forever.” Those are statements that have nothing to do withtransformation, changes that are inevitable, or skills to help the partners whenthings don’t go the way they want them to.There are people who repeat patterns of insecurity/territoriality/jealousy overand over because they are stuck in thinking that love is untrustable when it is notguaranteed forever-ness. There is no security, only the illusion that, if peopledon’t change anything, what they have will last forever.Q2. Interesting, but right from the movies to the books to thepopular media, the focus is so heavy on the romantic love, so much sothat people may even enter into relationships with unrealisticexpectations. So you explained romantic love, can you explain whatreal love or mature love is?
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 3Most relationships start out with the heady interactions of romantic love, unlesspeople have known each other for a long time in situations where they have had alot of contact that grows into love.The six-months infamous “end of honeymoon” phase is just the coming downwhen people realize that they can’t sustain the lust at the same level and that hasbeen too much a part of the relationship. Intimacy grows slowly with bumps thatboth people want to resolve to know and understand each other better.It is not the sharing so much of personal or background information, but the easeof being immediate and welcomed in those observations. In romantic connections,people take things personally immediately and at face value. Hunger andexpectations become entitlements. Blending with the other person cannot standseparation and the responses are defensive and self-centered when thoseentitlements are not met.Romance“I’ve had such a rough day at work.”“Does that mean we won’t get to make love tonight? (Immediate fear of losingconnection)”“Why do you always jump to conclusions? I just wanted some support? It’s all about you.”(Defending)“Baby, sweetheart, I love you so much. I just didn’t want to give up what we promisedeach other.”“Why is it all about you? I just said I was tired. You’re making this whole dealstupid.”(Starting to cry)“I thought I was the most important person in the world to you. Now you don’t even care.”
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 4Intimacy“I’ve had such a rough day at work.”“Me, too.”“You just turned away, sweetheart, and looked down. Did my comparing my day with youtake you away from something else you wanted to share?”“Yeah, and I feel like an idiot for wanting more attention when you’re tired, too.”“Hey, there’s room for both of us. Tell me what you wanted to say. I want to listen.”“Okay, as long as we make time for you, too.”Q3. A number of women readers write to us that they crave forintimacy from their partners whereas their partners are moreinterested in sex. It is not uncommon for many women to lose interestin sex due to this reason. They have the feeling that all their partnerswant from them is sex and they don’t really care about them as aperson. And even when they have sex, it feels mechanical andpassionless which the men can sense. This in turn makes the men angryand it becomes a vicious cycle creating resentment and hostility in therelationship.What can women do to overcome this problem?This one is difficult and very common. I deal with it every day.Most men have a greater desire/need/appreciation for/urgency for sexualfulfillment, than women do. When women are the pursuers, even when it is lesstrue of the gender, their men have identical responses to women when they feel as
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 5prey. Feeling as if one is prey and being able to be sexual aroused areincompatible for both genders.Hunting, pursuit, and winning the prey is what turns on testosterone in both menand women, and testosterone and dopamine (the pleasure chemical) together iswhat creates sexual desire. Women, unless ovulating or possessing high levels oftestosterone naturally, build sexual desire more slowly and more globally in theirbodies.That is, they crave courtship and respond well to it. Courtship is that wonderfulperiod where you have the right to accept sexual connection or not, but the abilityto flirt, fantasize, and build hunger is still acceptable and enjoyed, even if itdoesn’t immediately result in sex.Women also like to stay intimate and close after arousal and orgasm. If they haveboth courtship and that kind of pillow talk, they are far less distressed orburdened by the middle parts of the sexual cycle, i.e., physical arousal andorgasm. In fact, once properly aroused, women are far more orgasmic than mostmen are.When men’s natural more frequent desire for sex is continuous pushes theirwomen to have sex without enough arousal, they not only lose their woman’sdesire for them but also lose their most important desire-asset, their woman’sturn-on.Men are much more aroused when they feel that. They can accept being“serviced,” but can’t keep doing that without their own loss of connection, unlessthey are guys who just want to get off and don’t care.Women who “give in” without personal arousal for whatever reasons (never to bejudged), even fake orgasms, will eventually separate their hearts from theirbottom ends and be unable to reconnect them easily.
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 6In short, most women go from heart, to head, to genitals. Most guys go fromgenitals, to head, to heart. When the courtship, arousal, orgasm, pillow-talk cycleis continuous, as it is in the first months of romantic lust/transference, that cyclegives both what they want and need.If longer times accrue between the cycles, women are more likely to want more ofthe first and last, and men more of the middle two stages. They end up in thatterrible negative spiral that can make men feel like beasts and women feel frigid.Neither should be true and the conditions leading up should have been challengedway before that happens.And, by the way, when men aren’t fearful they won’t get their needs met, they canbe more romantic than many women.Q4. You have authored the book, ‘Relationship Saboteurs’ Can youexplain what a relationship saboteur is and how it affectsrelationships?When a person creates or observes counter-productive relationship patterns fromchildhood and then repeats them endlessly in adulthood, he or she is much lesslikely to grow beyond them or to create successful long-term relationships.I picked the ten that I have seen more commonly manifested in my manytherapeutic hours with individuals and couples, talked about how they emerge,and what to do to stop them from destroying hope. The book has some creativeand interesting exercises that, when people actually complete them, changes theway they choose new partners, and succeed in subsequent relationships. It reallyasks the readers to look inward because that is where they have the most controland can make the most difference.My second book, “When Love Stumbles,” is for people who still love each other,have been in a long-term relationships, and have drifted apart. It helps themidentify how those drifts occurred and how to bring back the love they once knew
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 7and trusted. It’s a sweeter book but not as popular as the first (except,interestingly in France) because people already in relationships are not as proneto seek help as those who are still seeking.Q5. You mentioned something very interesting- people already inrelationships are not as prone to seek help than those who are stillseeking. That’s probably where the problem lies because there is thethinking that we both are already committed and couples tend to takeeach other for granted, stop appreciating the little things their partnerdoes for them, start noticing the negative traits and over time kids,career, social events etc. take a higher priority than the partner.We get emails from women who often say, “I can’t remember how we both gothere. It feels as if he is no longer the person I married to. We feel more likeroommates than a couple.”And for some women, the feeling is even worse, “To be honest, I don’t even thinkI care anymore. He could be gone from the home and I wouldn’t notice nor wouldI miss him.”There is so much resentment that seems to build over time that couples seem todeal with it by shutting down instead of sitting down and talking. And manywomen mention that they tried doing it several times and it made no differenceother than being named a nag.For women caught in a similar situation, where do they start?Of course, it takes two people who are not only discontent but want things to getbetter. When couples are in a “draw,” what one person tries to do to help sets offthe other’s counter opposition and they end up in the same place.As I stated before, the initial stages of any relationship produce excitementbecause human beings seek challenge and prosper from the innovation it requires.
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 8Unfortunately, they also, with the same intensity, seek security, the impossiblefeeling that they will always remain safe if they’re with that person.What happens is that, in the quest for comfort and predictability, couples becomebored with their habits and rituals and boredom turns to irritability and blame ifnot dealt with. They naturally seek more stimulation and excitement outside theirrelationships in the form of friendships, new learnings, addictive escapes,infidelity, etc.The man who created Ashley-Madison three years ago now has over fifteenmillion married people on his web site, seeking to hold on to the security of theircommitted relationship while adding clandestine involvement to satisfy theiryearning for adventure. It may solve the immediate problem, but most often endsin disaster of some kind.My second book is to couples who both realize they’ve lost their magic and wantit back. When both do, the exercises really work. When women complain about along-standing drift, one wonders why they allowed that to happen in the firstplace?Women, by nature, are better at waiting and will often compromise what theywant to hold on to some nebulous promise for the future or are afraid to complainor have a bottom line because they are afraid to lose what they have. That is onlyhuman, but the first step in compromising integrity. The next is to hold yourpartner responsible for your drop in value. If that is a silent process, he (or she)isn’t keeping tabs the way the woman is. Her drop in her own value will precedehis.I lovingly tell my male patients that they probably will never pay more later forwhat they get in advance. They agree that they want the woman to put a value onherself, not expect him to do it, and for her to hold it there.
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 9One wonderful man told me, “I think we’re all just boys inside and, if a womanwants to give to us without asking for anything, we’ll probably just see her as awonderful mother and forget that we should be giving her what she deserves.”Insecurity and fear of loss are the demons that drive most women to give up theirown integrity to hold on to a relationship. If that imbalance continues and herman doesn’t reciprocate, she will eventually feel devalued and no longertreasured.Q6. You beautifully explained why women may often compromise.But when you ask them why they do it it is the very reasons youpointed.But they also have the fear that when they speak up they will be considered a nag.That’s one of the questions we get asked quite often, ‘How can I assertive withoutbeing a nag.’For example, here is a common complaint women have. He tells me he will cleanthe garage during the weekend. At first, I gently remind him and he says he willget to it and I again remind him nicely but it never happens.So frustrated and upset by his behavior, I nag. It is not that I get a kick out ofnagging but it is something that happens naturally. And why would I even nag ifhe does what he says he will do in the first place.”Experts say nagging never works but I do feel the frustration of women havingsimilar problems. They run out of patience and are frustrated by the repeatedexcuses, so they resort to nagging.So how can women balance that fine line between being assertive to get whatthey want from their partner to being a nag?
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 10“Should I nag, even if it’s ineffective, or should I just shut up and be resentful?”That is a non-answerable lose/lose question.The statement to her significant other should be what is behind it, i.e., “When Iask you to do something and you agree, I think that you will follow through.When you don’t, I’m faced with holding in my disappointments or telling youabout them which you experience as nagging. I don’t know what to do and I needyour help. If you are promising to do what I want just to get me off your back,but don’t intend to follow through, please don’t make that promise. If you domake an agreement, and then find you can’t follow through, please tell me.Otherwise it feels really passive/aggressive. Can you make that agreement withme?”That’s not nagging. If he gets defensive, then you follow through with somethinglike, “Please don’t get defensive. I’m just trying to make things better and breaksome bad patterns between us. If you’re not comfortable with my solution, whatdo you think would work better?”Passive/aggressive behavior can be unconscious or deliberately setting someoneup. If a person continues with it, the woman on the other end should only payattention to what he does, not what he wishes, intends, or promises. Thendisappointment gives way to grief, which could be what she is really feelingunderneath. That could be anticipatory grief of the eventual need to leave therelationship with the conflict of not wanting to go.Q7. A common question we get from our women subscribers is ‘Howcan I change him?’ Is it truly possible to make a partner change and ifnot how do you go about making a change in the quality of therelationship?Einstein once said something like women marry men to change them and menmarry women hoping they won’t change, but neither happens.
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 11Human beings must embrace transformation throughout their lives or they areforced to rely on expectations from the past, rituals, and habits. Those who holdon to their prior attachments and patterns are doomed to let the past define thefuture. Then they just plug others into their pre-written scripts and aredisappointed when those expectations are not met.When love first happens, both men and women push aside any potentialdifficulties and focus on what they like in each other. They aren’t particularlyvocal about later needs that don’t seem important in the moment, and, if they dofeel them, suppress them to keep things the way they are. Women, unfortunately,do this more than men do. When they finally can’t stand the relationship’slimitations, though they have appeared to readily accept them, they begin pushingfor what they now want.Asking someone else to change is a request for a new contract and it better offersomething worthwhile to the other person in exchange. It’s kind of likeunsolicited advice. It never is responded to gladly unless the person on the otherend has been asked if he or she is even interested in change.The one exception, and it is legitimate, is when behaviors at the beginning of arelationship that are correlated with hunting, are then discontinued after thechase is over. It is totally reasonable to expect what you are promised. If a guypulls back his attention and caring, any woman will push to get back what shesigned up for. The same is true for men.8. So would you recommend women to focus on changing themselvesto bring about a change in the partner? Experts say it is notnecessarily what you say but how you say it that matters. So when yourcommunication stems from a desperate state of mind when you areunhappy and feel unappreciated. We get so many emails where the lineof thinking seems to be “My spouse or partner is responsible for myhappiness” or “I depend on my spouse or partner for my happiness.”
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 12There is almost a lost sense of identity among many women aftermarriage and they end up playing the role of martyrs which makesthem more dissatisfied and unhappy.The chapter in my book, “Relationship Saboteurs” on martyrdom answers thisquestion.My current thoughts are that most all of us are somewhat situation dependent.From the time we are born, we look for approval and support in the situationsand people around us. That is natural. As we mature, however, we strive to findsome kind of inner definition that holds no matter what the outer world says.Without that growing self- definition, it is too easy to fall into seeking outpartners who fit our expectations from prior relationships, but, just because itfeels familiar, doesn’t mean it’s good for us. Like receptors for abuse. They ask tobe filled to feel “home,” but they should be healed, not fulfilled.My questions to many of my patients areDo you allow people to define you whom you’d wish to emulate, or those who you don’teven respect?Do all people dismiss you as not valuable, or only your partner?Does your partner have an investment in keeping you needing more in order tocontrol you?Are there any attachments you have that you’d have to give up, if you actuallywere treasured?Have you ever been defined by any significant person as worthwhile?What do you love about yourself that others agree with, and what do you dislikeabout yourself that others agree with?
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 13Also what do you love about yourself that others don’t agree with, and what doyou dislike about yourself that others feel are good traits?Being dependent on other’s approval may also go with being dependent on themin other ways. Some of those attachments are life-supporting and should never bedismissed as neurotic or wrong. To the extent that we are self-defining, we areless affected by others opinions. Yet, people we respect and admire should alwayshave a vote in the way we feel about ourselves. On the other hand, to the extentthat we are defined by others, we are beholden to them. In a perfect world, wewould only be that way with people of quality who had our best interests at heart.And, of course, to give that same respect to those we love.Chronic complaining is much worse than an acute disappointment or heartache. Iask my patients every day to give up over-used phrases and create new ones tohelp their brains avoid the trap of unconscious repetition that stops growth. “I’msick of this,” should be followed in ones’ mind by, “Not sick enough.” Maybe morelike, “I’m paying such a high price for this relationship. I need to be sure that I’mnot losing myself in it, and that I can afford what it costs without martyrdom orresentment.” At least that rephrasing opens the mind to think with lessrestriction.Q9. What is the single most important advice you would offer womenwho are looking to improve their marriage?Single most important is really hard, because different women need differentguidance at different times in their lives.If I can squeeze myself into a generic, I would say, re-evaluate what yourexpectations were when you married and which have been fulfilled and whichhave been disappointing. Understanding that, there two important questions thatmust be answered first: “Knowing what you know now, would you marry thisperson again?” and “What would it be like for you to never see this person
    • Interview with Dr. Randi Guntherwww.DecodingHim.com 14again?” If the answers are “yes,” and “yes,” you’re marriage is not over becauseyou still have attachments to this person and you’re not ready to give up.All this knowledge in hand first, the single most important advice is, give upanything you’ve tried that hasn’t worked in the past, ask your partner what wouldwork better, and commit to a new plan together to renew the hopes andcommitments you once shared.About Dr. Randi GuntherDr. Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing inSouthern California. In her forty year career, she has accumulated over 90,000 face-to-face hours with individuals and couples. She has inspired hundreds of people in herworkshops and lectures to go beyond their limitations and create successful relationships. Apractical idealist, she encourages her patients to give up their negative entanglements andto pursue their dreams.She is the author of Relationship Saboteurs and When Love Stumbles.To know more about Dr. Gunther, visit her website, www.randigunther.com.For more free tips, insights and advice from hundreds of experts and authors on datingand relationship advice for women, visit www.DecodingHim.com.