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Being jealous reminds me of how much i love him managing jealousy
www.drjameswadley.com www.DecodingHim.com“Being jealous reminds me of how much I love him”:Managing JealousyEven though I have a strict policy about mobile phone usage during class time, everynow and then, I will “catch” my students surfing the internet or texting their while inclass. When I discover the infraction, I kindly remind the class (while making eyecontact with the distracted student) that there is no mobile phone usage during classtime.More often than not, students will put their phone in their pocket or bag and resumepaying attention. Sometimes though, there are a handful of students who are unable todetach themselves from their phone and will attempt to “sneek” text with their phone intheir lap….as if I don’t know or won’t see what they are doing.One time, I asked a student to remain after class after being asked 3x to put her mobilephone away. When I asked her what was so important that kept her from focusing in onwhat was discussed in class, she said that her boyfriend (who lived in another state) didnot like the fact that she had to work on a class project with two other male students.She commented that her partner was really nervous about whether or not anything wasgoing on and how he could not understand why she couldn’t at least text him duringclass time to let him know that she was “okay.” When I asked her if she liked having ajealous boyfriend, she smiled and said that she didn’t mind because she doesn’t like itwhen he is not available to her because she believes that he might be with his ex. Shefurther commented, “Being jealous reminds me how much I love him.”Jealousy can be a significant challenge for couples in relationships because it creates ahigh level of anxiety and ambivalence. Usually when one or both parties are jealous ofone another, there may have been some unmet expectation in a previous or in theircurrent relationship that enables uncertainty if something negative will happen.People become jealous when they are unable to feel secure about themselves or theirposition in their relationships. For some, being suspicious about your partner may haveemerged from an inability to develop and maintain trusting relationships with him/her,
www.drjameswadley.com www.DecodingHim.comfamily members, or co-workers. Others become jealous because they comparethemselves to others and feel inadequate about who they are or what they do.For those who are insecure about the position they have in their relationships, they maybe unable to effectively negotiate what they want from their partners and remain waryabout other relationships developed or maintained by his/her partner.So for example, if you become jealous about the time your friend spends with his otherfriends and refuses to commit to being in a relationship with you, then it seems likelythat you may need to spend time talking and communicating your expectations andboundaries (e.g., emotional and social constraints) for being in a healthy friendship orrelationship.Can being jealous be healthy? Sure. As long as it does not prevent you from payingattention in class (e.g., my student), being a good parent to your children (e.g., feelingconsumed by what your ex is doing rather than being focused on your kids), doing yourjob effectively (e.g., feeling distracted or anxious because you are worried about your exnot texting/calling you back), or skews your interaction with your partner (e.g., feelinglike you have to “police” his/her actions because you don’t trust them or the peoplehe/she spends time with).Remember that healthy relationships are those relationships where partners can predicteach other’s behavior and are secure that behavior will fall in-line with explicit andimplicit expectations. Secure relationships entail couples “being there” for one anotheremotionally, intimately, and spiritually.When jealousy is unhealthy here are a few tips to help reduce your stress:1. Talk honestly with your partner about your feelings and accept that you cannotcontrol his/her actions.2. Spend time with family or friends who can help distract you.3. Re-discover a hobby or develop an interest that might be fun.4. Exercise and try to expend some energy.5. Meditate, pray, listen to music, or engage with art.
www.drjameswadley.com www.DecodingHim.com6. Talk with a professional about whether your jealousy is about your partner notmeeting your expectation or if you have not resolved past hurts/emotional trauma.About the authorDr. James Wadley is an Associate Professor and Director of the Master of HumanServices Program at Lincoln University. He’s a licensed professional counselor andmarriage, family, and sexuality therapist in Pennsylvania and New Jersey. He is one ofthe nation’s best sexuality therapists and educators. His website iswww.drjameswadley.com and you can follow him on twitter @phdjamesw.For more free tips and insights on what really attracts a man, how tomake yourself irresistible to him and how to capture his heart, click thelink below.www.decodinghim.com