Counseling for relationships:
How do I talk to my partner?
How do I talk to my partner about this?
People ask me this question in many forms, all the time.
Usually, there is something that you want (a purchase, a program, a course, a business
venture, a trip) and you don’t know how to get your partner to agree?
My answer is always the same…it just takes on a few different flavors depending on
the scenario. This is going to be a long article, but I really want to serve you. So I’ll
cover two common scenarios.
Scenario #1: There is something you want to purchase for your business, but you are
concerned that your partner will not support you:
I hang out with a lot of entrepreneurs, so I hear this one a lot! Generally speaking,
here’s my response.
If your business cannot budget to pay for whatever it is that you want, you must discuss
it with your partner before investing.
This is a two part solution. First, you need to get resourceful. Figure out what is the
LOWEST investment possible for you to get the greatest results for your business. It may
not be the BIG program you wanted or the private coaching option, but if your
business cannot currently float that higher priced option, you have to do what it takes
to get to where you want to go.
So the first step is to figure out the lowest investment into the solution that you want.
Then you gotta get really resourceful and dedicated! Looking at how much the lowest
investment amount is (the first payment for that item), find either expenses in your
current budget that you can cut in that amount for 30 days or hustle your tush to
implement that solution in 30 days to produce the income to cover that first
payment…or a combination of the two.
The second part…once you have the logistical solution from part one, you need to
prepare yourself for a very raw and vulnerable conversation with your partner. And
you may not like this, but it is the pathway to the unshakable love and unleashed
passion that you desire, so I suggest you go for it!
Approach your partner with a conversation like this:
“Babe, there’s something I need to chat with you about; I need your help sorting
through something. Before I explain what I need, I just want to tell you that I’m scared
right now. I’m scared to share this with you and I’m scared to make this decision and
I’m scared of what might happen if I don’t make this decision. So right now, I really
need you to be strong for me and I need to lean on you to help me.”
Then explain vulnerably and honestly everything that you are afraid of in your business.
Your REAL fears sweetie, not just the ones you want other people to hear.
Then explain that you are completely committed to do whatever it takes to get the
outcome that you desire. No matter what you need to sacrifice or how hard you
need to work.
Then, say something like this (in your words, this is a hypothetical example)
“Babe, here’s the thing, I know I’ve invested in programs and consultants before and
not all of it has worked. I totally know that. That’s why I want to share this with you and
I need your help. There is a program that provides this exact solution for entrepreneurs
like me. I’ve watched them, month after month, and their clients are getting the
exact results that I want. I looked into their program. Sweetie, the program that I really
want to do is a big investment. After everything I’ve done in this business, as much as
my heart wants to do that program so badly, I don’t think I should right now. I have a
plan and I want to tell you what it is but I’m really afraid of what you will say. No
matter how scared I am though, I’ve decided that after I share my plan with you,
whatever you think I should do, I’m going to agree. Because for as much as I love my
business and never want to do anything else in the world, I love you more. And YOU
are more important than this program, my business and everything else in the world.
With your support I know you will help me solve this problem in my business, because I
trust you. So here’s my plan: They have a low cost program (not the big one that I
want) that is just $X for the first month. I’ve figured out that if I cut out A, B and C for 30
days, I can make that first payment. Then if I really hustle and implement, I can bring
in $XYZ before the second payment is due, and that way I can cover the investment in
that program. Then in the first 4 months of implementing that solution, I can bring in
$XYZ and by month 5 I should generate enough new revenue to invest in the bigger
program. If for some reason this solution doesn’t work in 4 months, I’ll know it and then
I won’t invest in the bigger program. Babe, what do you think we should do?“
And here’s the thing sweetie. Whatever your partner says, you need to agree. And it
may not be what you want to hear. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that
people support what they help to create! Include your partner in this decision, they
might surprise you!
Scenario #2: There is something you want to invest in for your relationship or personal
development and you are concerned your partner will not support you.
As a Relationship Expert, I hear this a lot too. There are usually TWO concerns here
masquerading as one question. The first concern is that what you really want is for your
partner to DO the program and be on board with you. And you are asking me how to
get your partner to actually DO XYZ with you. The second concern is getting your
partner’s agreement on the investment in the program or coaching or whatever it is
that you want to invest in.
Let’s handle the first concern. How do I get my partner to DO this?
My response may surprise you. DON’T!
That’s right, don’t get them to do it! Asking your partner to do something for your
relationship, that you know they won’t willingly JUMP at the opportunity to do, is
actually counter-intuitive to the outcome that you want!
Whatever you are
suggesting is most likely going to be met with resistance or defensiveness from your
When your relationship is not everything you want it to be, and you ask your partner to
do a program or participate in a process with you, what they typically hear is “you are
not good enough, so I’m hoping this will change you.” That’s not going to go well for
On the other hand, if your partner doesn’t feel like there’s anything wrong with your
relationship, but YOU want more in your relationship, this will be met by even more
resistance from your partner. Because agreeing to do that program would be like
admitting that there’s something that needs fixing. So again, you will encounter
So, back to my original response. DO NOT try to get your partner to do the program
with you! Am I saying that you should just suffer or settle and do nothing to grow or
improve your relationship? Of course not sweetie…you know me!
Our entire Relationship Transformation System™ is creating on the premise that ONE
partner can completely transform the relationship without the other partner’s
So, the first step is, you must take personal responsibility, dedicate yourself to do the
work and release your partner of the responsibility of participating…in the beginning.
This is not a “forever” strategy. This is a transformation strategy.
For a period of time, 2 or 3 months, you will do what it takes and not require
participation back from your partner. Then after 2 or 3 months, you will have
demonstrated what you have accomplished in your relationship and you will have the
ability to approach your partner in a different way, because you already created
Now for the second concern, how do I get my partner to agree to invest in this
personal development or relationship program?
The solution to this becomes much easier once you understand that it’s YOU who will
be taking on the personal development or relationship program and NOT your partner.
My response here is similar to the business response above. You must have a very raw
and vulnerable conversation with your partner.
I’ll use an example from my own clients, since this comes up a lot at Love and Passion
Coach and it can be applied to any personal development situation as well.
You need to be willing to approach your partner in a more vulnerable way than you
ever have before. This is the BEST thing you can do to create your unshakable love!
This conversation alone will start to transform your relationship, so don’t hold back, step
It may go something like this:
“Babe, there’s something I need to tell you and it’s not going to be easy for me ok? I
love you so much and our marriage is the most important thing in my entire world.
There’s nothing more important to me than you, nothing! I’ve been watching these
incredible videos about intimate relationships lately where this woman teaches all
these tools and strategies that I’ve never heard before. But everything she says makes
so much sense to me, I wish I knew about this decades ago. So here goes. Babe, I’ve
done the very best I could do in our marriage, always…and yet in my heart, I’ve
known that it wasn’t good enough. I knew that I wanted to love you even more but I
just didn’t know how to get there, I didn’t understand it…I didn’t understand you. But
now I’m beginning to see what I couldn’t see before. There are things that I learned in
this video that I know for a fact I am doing every day, things that are hurting you and
damaging our relationship and I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, I just didn’t know. But I promise
you that I can do better. I promise you. If someone had taught me this stuff when I
was a kid, holy crap, our lives would have been a lot different. Well, I’m done being
ignorant about this, and I want you to know that I’m going to do whatever it takes to
be the best version of myself that I can be for you. To understand and CHERISH you for
the amazing person that you are, in ways that I didn’t have the skills or tools to do
before. This woman and her husband have a program, and I want to do it. Just me. I
want to transform myself for you..and for me. There’s nothing you have to do. I just
want you to know that I am completely dedicated to doing this for you because I
want to give you the best and happiest life possible on this planet. You picked me to
be your one and only, and I promise to deserve that! I love you with my whole heart
and I will love you even more tomorrow. I’m completely dedicated to doing this
program and transforming myself, and us. But I won’t do it if you don’t want me to.
Because nothing is more important to me than you.”
Pour your heart out. It’s time! Nothing will bring you closer to your partner than this kind
of brutal, shameless vulnerability! And, once again, you need to be open to their
decision and align with it.
I know that may not be the answer you wanted to hear. The path to an unshakable
love and unleashed passion is rarely the “comfortable” path. If it was, everyone you
know would be living in a magnificent love affair every day! And, they aren’t, are
they? That’s because somewhere along the way people stopped being willing to
have conversations like this one with the one person on the planet they are supposed
to be able to be brutally vulnerable with!
As my mentor Tony Robbins says, “when would NOW be a good time?”
Take a deep breath and say it with me “babe, there’s something I need to talk to you
about….” Let the rest flow from your heart.