Darul Hikmah: Maintaining a Happy Marriage, Communication Workshop

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Darul Hikmah: Maintaining a Happy Marriage, Communication Workshop

  1. 1. Maintaining a Happy Marriage: Healthy Communication<br />Hooman Keshavarzi, MA<br />SIRAT<br />
  2. 2. Two Backgrounds/Two People<br />Core Beliefs and Life History <br />How parents were, norms, patterns etc.<br />Therefore: Differing Perceptions<br />
  3. 3. What do you see?<br />
  4. 4. Ideas of Right and Wrong<br />Pushing a point<br />Using Deen to support this perspective<br />Let’s say you prove your point: Now what?<br />Can’t resolve issues in a productive manner is the larger issue!<br />
  5. 5. Communication Errors<br />Four variables that if present, can predict whether a marriage will end in divorce by over 85%!!!<br />What are they?<br />
  6. 6. Vicious Cycle of Bad Communication<br />Criticism<br />Contempt<br />Defensiveness<br />Stonewalling<br />Additional sword in the marriage:<br />No affection outside of this.<br />
  7. 7. Solution PLEASE!!<br />Interrupt the process QUICKLY!<br />Make a joke<br />Voice your emotions, “I am feeling upset”.<br />Take a time out<br />Learn cues and triggers.<br />
  8. 8. Gender Differences<br />Effects of Stress (Gottman, 1999)<br />WOMEN<br />MEN<br />
  9. 9. Solution PLEASE!!<br />Men: Know that it will get better, just bear through the current.<br />Women: Take breaks, don’t overwhelm him<br />
  10. 10. Details<br />Men tend not to see details, but the whole picture.<br />Women are highly attentive to details.<br />Implication: Men don’t notice little things. Often interpreted as lack of caring.<br />
  11. 11. Solution<br />You decide!<br />
  12. 12. Issues of Power<br />Men tend to have an issue with power.<br />Women accept influence naturally.<br />Men who do not accept influence tend to have poorer relationships.<br />
  13. 13. Ideas of Marriage<br />ALL successful marriages have unresolved ISSUES!<br /><ul><li>Cognitive Distortion: “should” & “must” statements</li></ul>Overestimate how bad it is that these expectations are not met.<br />
  14. 14. Communication Errors<br />Tend to listen to half of what people say.<br />Tend to listen in order to make a response.<br />See things from own frame of reference<br />Tend to give advice or “what I would do”.<br />
  15. 15. Active/Empathetic listening<br />Genuine<br />Not-Judging<br />Empathetic<br />
  16. 16. Empathy Technique<br />Reflecting & Asking questions.<br />Tips:<br />Learn when to SHUT UP<br />Forget the details – What is the MESSAGE!!<br />Do you understand experientially?<br />
  17. 17. Characteristics of a Healthy Marriage<br />Keeping their negative thoughts of their spouse from overwhelming their positive ones (Gottman, 1999).<br />

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