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  • TOT Connolly AL Billy Special edition Six pages on Scotlands finest export June 2008 £3.80 Including An interview with the man behind the comedian
  • Contents Total Cars Fat Stig test drives the new jag 6 www.total.com Sport Euro 2008 special feature 8 Travel Euro 2008 travel feature 14 A guide to Ibiza 16 Politics Everything you need to know about the US elections 19 Comedy Our Billy Connolly special 23 Music A rundown of the summer festivals 28 The top 8 abums since the turn of the century 30 Technology A guide to online downloads 33 Stuff to spend your cash on 34 Six pages on Health STDs - avoid them this the funniest summer 37 man to come Q&A We answer your out of question 39 Reviews Scotland 23 Movies and music 40 TOTAL June 2008 3
  • Editor’s UWS Publishing Ltd, Room 702, Almada St building, Hamilton Welcome to the June edi- tion of Total magazine. This Letter month, Total brings you an Editorial Tel 01698 428729 Fax 020 6378 6745 E-mail totalletters@uwspublish.com exclusive insight into Scot- Editor-in-chief Stephanie O’Neill stephanie.oneill@uwspublish.com land’s most famous son; Billy Deputy Editor (production) Neil Leslie Connolly. The Big Yin’s for- mer road manager, Jamie 06/08 neil.leslie@uwspublish.com Deputy Editor (Features) Kevin Donnachie kevin.donnachie@uwspublish.com Wark, gives us the low down on the tours, the jokes and Art Editor John MacInnes john.macinnes@uwspublish.com Designer Danny Harkins danny.harkins@uwspublish.com what makes the real Billy Total.com editor Joe Strummer Connolly tick. We also feature an in depth profile of the joe.strummer@uwspublish.com Picture Desk Joseph Heller joseph.heller@uwspublish.com man himself and take you through his massively successful comedy career and Editorial Secretary Joan Arc joan.arc@uwspublish.com Subscriptions and back issues PO box 44, transition from Scottish folkie to Holly- wood movie star. UWS Publishing, Belgrove st, Glasgow, MH4 4TS Also in the issue, our handy festival guide Advertising Tel 02938 356928 Fax 020 8723 3726 E-mail totalads@uwspublish.com has all you need to know on the main Sales Director Otto Bismark events – T in the Park, Glastonbury, Download and Reading- and gives you all otto.bismark@uwspublish.com Special projects manager Rolo Tomasi the line ups and ticket prices. rolo.tomasi@uwspublish.com In other news, we also cover the US elec- Online sales manager Kaiser Soze kaiser.soze@uwspublish.com Senior sales executive Raoul Duke tions and profile one of the most popular holiday destinations for Brits – the ulti- raoul.duke@uwspublish.com Display sales executive Peter Gibbons peter.gibbons@uwspublish.com mate chill out island of Ibiza. Classified sales executive Regi Blinker regi.blinker@uwpublish.com Although none of the home nations will be Commercial director John Papelbon playing in the Euro 2008 finals this year, john.papelbaun@uwspublish.com we still reckon it’s the biggest event this Management summer. Our own Neil Leslie gives you all Publishing director Sergey Korolyov the team info, tournament history and who your money should be on, so you sergey.korolyov@uwspublish.com Publishing Manager Willie Maley willie.maley@uwspublish.com can kick back this summer with all Licensing Director Steve Gutenberg the knowledge you need to enjoy Euro 2008 steve.gutenberg@uwspublish.com Group editorial director Stephanie O’Neill Enjoy the issue Group design director Neil Leslie Managing Director Kevin Donnachie Assistant managing director John MacInnes Stephanie O’Neill Editor Chairman Danny Harkins SUBSCRIPTIONS Save money by subscribing! Call 01698 645893 or e-mail subs@uwspublish.com US subscriptions: 722 545 543 or e-mail subs@brit.com TOTAL June 2008 5
  • THE LATEST JAGUAR X-TYPE Total’s slightly chubbier version of the stig test drives the new jag A [Words:John MacInnes (Fat Stig)] Erm... No such luck! Desirable? Come on; this is a Jaguar, al- But I did drive it around Northern Eng- beit the smallest. I would happily own lmost fifty miles to the gallon. land for two weeks - primarily in the re- one tomorrow. Yes, it’s worth stating that again - fifty markably beautiful Lake District, which I And perhaps best of all, the claimed fuel miles to the gallon! regularly visit on holiday, and therefore economy proved almost as accurate as it quot;But it's a diesel!quot; you protest, as if that know the twisty, hilly roads intimately. was startling. Even though we spent should suggest something brought in on And this Jag proved to be better than just much time on the twisting roads and the bottom of somebody’s shoe. good, even on those very demanding yet mountain passes of the Lake District, we For those who haven't noticed, however, enjoyable roads. got mid-forties in miles per gallon [mpg] many of the world’s top car makers have One of the age-old, petty grievances and the car’s UK official combined mpg been ever more successfully refining about diesel engines has been the warm- is 49. diesel power over the past two decades, up period needed between turning on the Naturally the car is also available with a to the point where the perceived differ- ignition and actually starting the engine, choice of petrol engines - 2.0, 2.5 and ences between petrol and diesel have yet in the X-Type I found - admittedly 3.0 litres, respectively – and is also avail- now all but disappeared. And the econ- due to my forgetfulness - that this lag has able in an estate car variant. omy of using diesel fuel speaks for itself. effectively disappeared. Turning the key In a recent screening of BBC Two’s Top all the way, in one smooth move, almost Appearance Gear Jeremy Clarkson managed - after always fired up the engine immediately. It doesn’t take a genius to see that both several attempts - to lap the famous Nür- The car has a claimed 0-60mph time of the X-Type and the slightly larger S-Type burgring race track in Germany in an X- 9.5 seconds (which comes down to 6.6 are chips off the old block and are imme- Type Diesel in less than ten minutes. seconds in the 3.0 litre petrol variant) yet diately identifiable as Jaguars even from Nine minutes fifty nine seconds to be moving off never felt sluggish. The ac- some distance. precise. And that's not bad considering celeration from a standstill wasn’t ex- It is just as true to add that ever since at his point that even Ferraris take eight actly what keen drivers might be looking least the 1950’s, the iconic Jaguar has minutes. But then somebody who per- for, of course, but once the engine been thought of as a very good looking 140mph haps should be called quot;The Lady of the reaches its power band (the rev range car. Ringquot; - a young woman who gives the where lots of torque is available) that all Now, perhaps more than ever, mere style impression that she was born and raised changes in a heartbeat. And as Jeremys’ on the track itself, and who now coaches Nürburgring jaunt undeniably proves, visiting drivers to lap faster - took the once it is rolling the X-Type diesel cer- diesel “cat” away from Jeremy and flung tainly has plenty of power. it round the circuit in an astonishing nine A diesel that’s fun to drive? You'd better minutes twenty seconds. So did I get to do my test drive of the X- believe it. And comfortable? Yes. Top speed Type Diesel at the Nürburgring? Stylish? Yes. 6 June 2008 TOTAL
  • has had to share priorities with fashion, the “A-pillars” on either side of the Apart from the airbags, X-type safety but that can be said of several top mar- windscreen, are now commonly much features include dynamic stability con- ques, and Jaguars are now truly among thicker than in years gone by. This, of trol [DSC] to help prevent wheel spin the best. course, blocks more of the driver’s view and skids, occupancy sensing to regu- TotalCars to either side, and this can be particu- late the power of the front airbags, elec- Interior and Comfort larly important when emerging from a tronic brake-force distribution [EBD], A very long journey in an X-Type would side street, etc. anti-trap electrical windows, and front be no hardship. Until such time as transparent, or semi- seatbelt pre-tensioners. Not all of these The front seats were excellent, and for transparent roof pillars become a reality features are standard on all models so all except very tall passengers, the rear then there is little that can be done ex- we suggest that anyone purchasing an seats were very acceptable. cept persuade drivers that they need to X-Type should check carefully to make There was also plenty of space surround- look more carefully. In this context the sure all of the required systems are fit- ing the steering wheel (i.e. no stupid arm X-Type provided a reasonably good all- ted to the chosen model. rests to block full and swift movement round view. According to Euro NCAP (the European of the driver’s arms if urgent steering crash testing programme), the X-Type were needed in an emergency). Exterior Lights has an adult occupant protection rating As one would expect, the headlights of four stars (five stars being the maxi- Drivability and Handling were very capable, and they gave mum possible) and a pedestrian protec- Gear selection was crisp and accurate, enough good illumination for twisty tion rating of one star (three stars being and the very pronounced diesel power country roads at night. the highest level currently achieved by band made the gearbox great fun to use. other vehicles). It should also be mentioned though, In the handbook, advice for setting that the car proved re- the head restraints correctly markably good for was too sparse. It read: smooth, precise quot;Adjust the head re- driving - a style straint so that it is that befits arriving just behind your head anywhere in a Jag. and never behind your Considering that this truly is neck.quot; But given the budget end of the Jaguar the number of spectrum, this car had as- people who tonishingly good balance have been hurt and handling, so driving the or even X-Type is exactly what you paralysed don’t expect from a 2.0-litre diesel - by neck fun! injuries On the car we tested, the only control, to which per se, that I really didn’t like - and this an incor- is a common fault on many cars - is that As rectly set head re- activating the horn requires a driver to is now straint contributed, this press the central boss of the steering very common indeed information is inadequate. wheel. Given that the very times a horn with cars of European origin, both front is most urgently needed are inevitably and rear fog lights were fitted. Total Rating also the very times when a driver should The Jaguar X-type is more than just a not have to remove a hand from the rim Safety Aspects cheap jag. It may be a knock-off of the of the steering wheel, this “convenient” This is, of course, the key element in any more expensive models but, for the positioning is undesirable. Horns should car review, so - in no particular order - price, you get your moneys worth. The be operable by means of thumb-able but- here goes: X-type is stylish and comfortable. The tons near the outer edge of each spoke of Crumple zones are part of the front and handling is smooth and allows for an the steering wheel, but that is unpopular rear structure of the vehicle, and anti-in- easy ride. But, most of all, this is a car with car makers because that is where trusion bars are built into all four doors. for a person on a budget that doesn’t they like to fit audio controls, as it is To be fair, though, these are now fea- sacrifice many of the features found on easier to sell a car on its sound system tures which are found in the majority of the more expensive models. Take it for and up-market trimmings than it is to do modern vehicles and in truth no vehicle a ride in the Lake District, take it for a so purely on safety terms. And that’s a without such should ever be contem- ride in any built-up area; this car will be pity. plated. To a large extent, these are the a pleasure to drive in any environment. features that crash testing is designed to And it doesn’t look too shabby neither. View Out assess. Not only is the X-Type an enjoyable This is, of course, a vital yet often over- The X-Type has front, side (i.e. torso and precise car to drive, the diesel vari- looked safety factor. protection), and curtain (head protec- ant also proved to be a stunningly eco- The necessity for modern cars to give tion) airbags fitted as standard. The car nomical option for such a relatively big good protection in the admittedly rare also had an airbag to cushion the saloon. It certainly passes the quot;I would event of a saloon car overturning means driver’s knees in the event of a head-on- have onequot; test. that the support system, and especially collision. TOTAL June 2008 7
  • TOTAL PREVIEWS THE BIGGEST EVENT THIS SUMMER T [Words:Neil Leslie] his summer’s football feast comes from Austria and Switzerland. The countries that gave us Mozart and Yodelling will be taken over in June by fans from all over Europe. For the first time ever there will be no representatives in the tournament from the United Kingdom. England were stunned by Croatia at Wembley and the brave group showings from Scot- land and Northern Ireland were not enough to see them qualify at the expense of more il- lustrious opponents. That is not to say the home nations won’t be represented at the finals, as many as 50,000 fans are expected to travel to the Alpine region for the party atmosphere that surrounds these great occasions. With no home nations represented at the tournaments, fans have been reassured by the BBC and ITV that their coverage of the event won’t suffer. In fact this year’s tournament will be the most widely covered ever, with the BBC and ITV both screening every single match live kicking off at 5pm on Saturday June 7th with Switzerland vs. Czech Republic on the BBC. If you’re not near a television for the matches then there’s no need to worry. For the first time ever, the BBC will stream every match online and will also broadcast all their matches in High Definition format. The BBC’s Director of Sport Roger Mosey is hopeful of a high viewing figure and an en- tertaining tournament, he said: “I’m confident this is going to be a great festival of foot- ball that will attract large audiences. “There’ll be plenty of familiar faces [from the premiership and SPL] and some great matches in prospect.” Cesc Fàbregas Spain will be hoping Arsenal’s playmaker will be on form 8 June 2008 TOTAL
  • Italy? France? Spain? Who to place your money TotalSport on this summer Fancy a punt on this year’s tournament? Total magazine brings you this comprehensive preview of all the odds available including top goalscorer and the favourites to win. Three time champions Germany are the bookies favourite to win it for a fourth time with a best price of 9/2 online and 4/1 at William Hill. Ever popular with British punters, perennial underachievers Spain are second favourites, bookmakers obviously feel that after years of mundane performances, the current crop of Spaniards have a good shot at glory and with a strikeforce of Liverpool’s Fernando Torres and Valencia’s David Villa, there are surely many goals to come. Ladbrokes is the place to go if you want to throw your money behind Spain, offering 7/1 on them coming out on top in Vienna on the 29th of June. With Spain tipped to do well by the bookies, Fernando Torres is a tempting choice at 12/1 to finish the tournament as top goalscorer. Being drawn in the “Group of Death” has hurt the odds of Holland, who are now beng offered at 12/1 on the high street. The current World Champions and 2000 finalists Italy and France, who co-incidentally were in the same qualifying group recording one win a piece, are also available at 7/1 and 9/1 respectively at William Hill. Defending Champions Greece are again relative outsiders in the tournament but with a favourable group and the organisation and determination they showed in 2004, the Greeks may be one for an each way bet at a nifty 25/1 at the major high street outlets. Conquerors of England in that infamous Wembley display in October, Croatia are rightly hotly favoured as a real force in the tournament. Below, we profile the three favourites to win the tournament. Tournament Record: Germany have won the tournament three times, first in 1972 then in 1980 and again in 1996. How they qualified: Germany qualified in second place in Group D behind the Czech Republic. Star Player: He may be in and out of the Chelsea side, but the dynamic Michael Ballack is always on form for Germany. Odds: 4/1 (Ladbrokes). Tournament Record: Spain has won the tournament only once, when they hosted it back in 1964. How they qualified: Spain won the hotly contested Group F with 28 points, surviving a scare from Northern Ireland. Star Player: Fernando Torres. The 24 year old Liverpool striker has an impressive scoring ratio for his country with 15 goals in 46 appearances. Odds: Odds: 6/1 (Ladbrokes). Tournament Record: The Italians have a solitary victory in the Championships, winning it on home soil in 1968. How they qualified:: Italy qualified in first place in Group B after fending off a strong challenge from Scotland. Star Player: World Player of the Year in 2006, Fabio Can- navaro is the rock at the heart of the miserly Italian defence. Odds: 7/1 (William Hill). TOTAL June 2008 9
  • Group A P W D L F A Pts Group B P W D L F A Pts Euro2008 Wallchart Group C P W D L F A Pts Group D P W D L F A Pts Quarter Finals Trix and Flix, the Euro 2008 Winner group A mascots Semi - Finals Runner-Up group B Winner group B Final 2008 The new Henri Delaunay trophy. Runner-Up group A The marble plinth from the old trophy Winner group C has been removed and the names of the winners are now engraved on the back Runner-Up group D Winner group D Official match ball The Europass ball is produced by Adidas. It has 14 panels and the same construction as the Runner-Up group C 2006 World Cup Teamgeist ball but with a modified surface
  • YODELING TO EURO 2008 A guide to two stunning cities and the stadiums you can insult them in [Words:John MacInnes] Zurich Z urich is the largest of the Swiss cities lying on the northern shores of The city is split by the Limmat river and there are many quays lining the banks of Lake Zurich. It is ranked up there in the both the Limmat and Lake Zurich which top five most beautiful cities in Europe have some wonderful pavement cafes – Cityscapes: Downtown Zurich Getting There and retains much of its original nineteenth perfect for a stroll and a coffee, take the century features. time to sit and watch the world pass by. Zurich is well known as a centre of inter- This is the location where some of the national European finance with the top most exclusive – and expensive restau- Zurich’s International airport is five banks headquarters located on the rants can be found. Kloten airport and is the largest Bahnhofstrasse in downtown Zurich. Zurich’s old town, Alstadt is quite proba- gateway to and from Switzerland. It Notwithstanding that claim to fame, it has bly one of the most impressive in the is located around nine miles north of still not lost its intimate, quaint and whole of Switzerland and well worth a the city. It has direct rail and road slower paced “face”. visit. Zurich has many magnificent parks links. The city of Zurich is one of the most cul- and gardens and an especially beautiful Zurich has direct rail links with tured in Europe. It is the home of the botanic garden (Zurich Botanicher Garten Paris, notably the Gare de L’est ex- avant-garde Dadaist movement, and is der Universität). press service. The trip will take where James Joyce wrote his novel This city is a shopper’s paradise – perfect around eight hours. There are also Ulysses. The city’s Museum of Fine Arts for the WAGS. Make sure you take your services via Basel from Paris twice houses one of Europe’s most extensive credit cards with you because Zürich has daily that take around seven hours. collections of art from 15th century reli- most of the international luxury labels There are two trains from Munich gious paintings to the modern art works available in the Bahnhofstrasse. which take around four hours. All of Salvador Dali and Picasso. For those sightseeing while their partners services stop at the main Haupt- While possibly being seen as an industri- disappear to the footie, we suggest you bahnhof terminus in downtown alised area, Zurich has seen a huge influx use the ZurichCARD. This entitles hold- Zurich. of visitors over the past 20 years and has ers to free travel on the local public trans- From Basel use the main N3 East. developed its entertainment and nightlife port, free admission to 46 museums, From Geneva, use the N1 northeast to suit accordingly. It now has over 500 complimentary welcome drinks in certain via Bern where drivers can pick up bars, nightclubs and discotheques to suit Zurich restaurants and much, much more! the E4 and the E17 eastbound to all tastes. Zurich. Note: these roads are con- stantly patrolled by traffic police so Letzigrund Stadium, Zurich take care. The speed limit is 120 After a year of reconstruction works, km/h on these routes. Night Life the Letzigrund Stadium opened on Friday the 7th of September 2007 and has a capacity for 31,000 fans. The pitch is surrounded by a running Zurich has one of the liveliest club track. It is the home to FC Zurich scenes in Europe. Most clubs and and is the temporary home to bars are located in the Old Town or Grasshopper-Club Zürich. It will in the former red light district host three games during Euro 2008; known as Langstrasse. Kaufleuten is Romania vs France (9th June), Italy the top club, were people dress to vs Romania (13th June) and France impress and where Madonna and vs Italy (17th June) Prince were once guests. 14 June 2008 TOTAL
  • Vienna V Getting There The Vienna International airport is TotalTravel Vienna excels in its choice of famous coffee located approx 15 miles southeast ienna is commonly described as Eu- shops or traditional wine taverns, known as of the city. It is the main European rope’s cultural capital with a charm and vi- “Heurige’s”. For eateries there is, as one air hub, although American carriers brancy all its own. It is located on the might expect from a city of culture, a huge will need a transfer in either the UK banks of the Danube and plays host to mil- choice of styles to match all pockets. From or Germany. Taxis are an ex- lions of visitors every year. Vienna, it is the ubiquitous McDonalds or Pizza Hut to tremely expensive transfer method. said, is a dream city for anybody with a ro- five star award-winning restaurants, it’s got We suggest you use the bus service mantic bent or for lovers of history. the lot. that interconnects with both tram It has a vast array and choice of cultural at- If you tire of the high street shops then and subway services at the main tractions, and certainly far too many to go check out the Naschmarkt flea market lo- Wien Mitte/Landstrasse rail termi- into detail here, however, some are defi- cated in Linke Wienzeile and open from nus in the city. Buses run every 20 nitely worthy of a brief mention. 6am-4pm Saturdays. Here, if you dig minutes from 5.30am until mid- Schonbrunn Castle with its 1441 rooms was around enough, you may find a little treas- night and cost around £3.50. Vienna is a major rail junction with four main stations allowing links to all principal cities and towns in Austria. There are regular daily services to Munich, Paris, Zurich & Milan. Travelling by train in Aus- tria is a fast, cheap and efficient op- tion. UK travellers using the Chunnel link can travel London to Paris in under three hours and con- tinue to Vienna using the fast Le Shuttle service. Vienna can also be easily reached Volksgarten: One of Viennas many garden parks which are popular with tourists by car from the main Autobahnen. The main highway from the west is the summer residence of the Imperial fam- ure to take back home. the A1 from Munich, Salzburg and ily. It is listed as a UNESCO cultural her- The summer in Vienna is usually warm. Linz. Autobahn A2 comes in from itage building. This is the location where During the Euro 2008 tournament, in June, the south – Graz and Klagenfurt. Mozart performed his first royal concert in the weather will often be moderate and The A4 runs in off the east and in- 1762. sunny with a light summer breeze. There terconnects with the E-58 from Albertina Museum is regarded as being one are some hot days where it reaches 34 de- Prague. The A22 services traffic of the world’s most important art museums. grees Celsius, but overall, summer in Vi- from the northwest while route E- It houses an extremely exclusive – and, said enna is pleasant. 10 services the cities and towns of by some, as one of the finest collections of If you have had enough of shopping, foot- southeastern Austria and Hungary. soft pornography available, made famous ball and culture we suggest you chill out in by Klimt. The Vienna State Opera was one of the an area known as ‘the Old Danube’. Sur- rounded by gardens, this park area has Night Life world’s first operas and hosts many opening woodland, waterside walks, sunbathing ter- Think of Vienna and you may well evenings for top artistes, including Wagner, races, water sports, boat hire, windsurfing think of classical music, theatre and Mozart, Rossini, Strauss & Puccini. Guided and Vienna’s only water park, the “Ganse- opera houses. But while the city tours are available daily throughout this haufel”. does have one of the finest opera magnificent building. houses in the world, the Staatsoper, it also has a number of popular Ernst Happel Stadium, clubs and bars. The Palmenhaus Vienna club in the 1st District occupies one The location where the next Euro- of the most attractive locations in pean champions will be deter- Vienna and has a relaxed laid back mined on 29 June 2008. The atmosphere while Aux Gazelles in stadium, which has capacity for the 6th District is one of the few approximately 49,000 fans, has clubs to enforce a dress code. been awarded with a five star sta- If bars are more your kind of thing tus by the UEFA committee. It then the A bar Shabu in the 2nd will host 3 Euro 2008 group B District is the place to be. Outfitted games, 2 quarter finals, a semi in a 70’s retro design the bar offers final and the final on the 29th of a relaxed atmosphere and soothing June music. TOTAL JUNE 2008 15
  • SUN, Space, Ibiza’s most well known nightclub SAND AND SANGRIA Totals reviews known as the Balearics located in the of the Ibiza nightlife and are extremely Ibiza, one of Mediterranean. Within easy reach of the popular with the 18-30 crowd who are UK, it’s a short hop and many budget air- only here for the one reason – clubbing the best line carriers now travel this route. Don’t to some of the best music in Europe. expect budget prices in the high season Like many other holiday destinations, though as demand outstrips supply. Ibiza has a theft problem ranging from holiday On the island high season starts in June pickpockets to opportunist beach thieves. and runs through to September. From Use common sense at all times, try to destinations October until May it’s much quieter sim- stay in a group, leave someone on the ply because the nightlife shuts up shop. beach to look after all the belongings. in the world For those holidaymakers wanting less of Consider taking less cash and use the is- the hustle and bustle of high season, then lands numerous ‘hole in the wall’ facili- go in September. It’s still hot enough to ties or use travellers cheques. T be enjoyable, the clubs are still open – Healthcare in Ibiza is both modern and of [Words:Kevin Donnachie] just – but nothing’s as busy as it is in a good standard – you may just need it. high season. The island sees its fair share of injuries Obviously the hardened clubber would never consider going at he white isle of decadence and sin any other time than July & Au- – a term generously applied to Ibiza, the gust when the island and all its at- island of fun. This is where the tourists tractions are at their peak. party hard all night – and then some. Holidaying in Ibiza is not cheap! If you’re looking for sun sex and sand, Entry to the main clubs can cost not necessarily in that order, then look no as much as £45 – yes that’s per further. Ibiza’s the place to be. night! Once you’ve paid your This stereotypical image however is not way in you will need to budget altogether deserved. Ibiza is a beautiful around £8-£10 per drink. island with sandy beaches, warm tropical The majority of tourists stay in waters, unbelievable sunsets and delight- Ibiza town itself or in the next The Pacha nightclub, ful inland villages. largest town of San Antonio. were queues can be 2 Ibiza is one of the groups of islands Both of these are at the very heart hours long 16 June 2008 TOTAL
  • its “Judgment Sundays” hosted by Judge Jules. This club is fast becoming a chal- lenger to Space’s top spot. For those who prefer house music then TotalTravel Pacha is a popular choice, and is the host to David Guetta’s “fuck me I’m famous” night. It also features some of the biggest names in house music such as Eric Morillo and Roger Sanchez. Pacha is to many the best nightclub on the is- land. If you intend visiting then get there early or prepare to be disappointed – there are sometimes queues of over 2 hours waiting to get in. Arguably the biggest clubbing night on the island is “Cream” hosted in Amnesia. For those unsure of the time, you’ll know when the sun comes up as it floods the dancefloor through the glass roof. Am- nesia also attracts some of the biggest An Ibiza sunset names in trance music including Eddie Halliwell, Paul Van Dyk and Tiesto. from motorcycle and scooter accidents, Space is arguably Ibiza’s most well This nightclub holds the Guinness book heatstroke, and alcohol related problems. known nightclub having previously been of records award for the largest capacity Don’t try to be cool and get the best tan, voted the worlds best in the Dancestar nightclub – 10,000 patrons can cram it use higher factor sunscreens at all times, awards. It is famous for its all day par- full, which happens regularly in high sea- if you’re hiring mopeds etc, make sure ties with doors opening at 8am. The son! you use the helmets provided and cover busiest party is the “we love space Sun- There are many other smaller venues up well. We shouldn’t need to say it, but days” which lasts a mammoth 22 hour such as DC-10, Es Paradis, and privilege every year there are plenty of drink re- session. If you’re a hardcore clubber then which are all well worth a visit. lated accidents so don’t drink and drive. Space is the place to be. This may be set In conclusion it’s true to say that Ibiza is There’s a lot more to Ibiza than its famed to change however as this year the Ibiza really not the best location for those who nightlife. These include boat trips authorities are issuing guidelines which want quiet and peace or a family holiday, around the island and allow you access to state that clubs cannot open until 12 but if your in the 18-30 age bracket, want areas not normally accessible on foot. noon. to dance all night, sleep all day or soak Try a caves trip and enjoy the free san- Eden has recently become a hotspot for up the rays, then Ibiza will suit you just gria provided or access beaches for pri- visitors to Ibiza. The club is famous for fine. vate barbeques. The Aquamar is Ibiza’s only water park at Playa d’en Bossa and is a popular choice of day trip for many tourists. The island has literally thousands of restaurants and cafes. For the most at- mospheric, try a beachside setting and watch the spectacular sunsets. There are eateries to match all budgets from basic fare to five star quality. As for bars – where do we start? Well you could try Café del Mar or Bora Bora, which are two of the cheapest on the is- land. With this in mind however, be aware that they are busy – very busy. Tourists have to balance the cheaper drink prices against the fact that it’s so difficult to get to the bar you might only be able to get one or two drinks before leaving for your chosen club. The club parties in Ibiza are world fa- mous and the music difficult to beat. It’s the reason so many clubbers return year after year. These nightclubs attract some of the worlds biggest and best DJ’s who take up summer residencies on the island. The Eden nightclub TOTAL June 2008 17
  • McCain, Clinton and Obama ‘08 Total compares the US elections to our own less glamorous political system D [Danny Harkins Political Editor ] amn, American politics is excit- are trying to choose their candidate to go got his idealism, Clintons got the experi- ing! A black guy, a woman and a Viet- up against John McCain, the gung ho Re- ence and McCain’s got a vigilante, “kill nam vet fighting it out to get their hands publican who was tortured for five years em all and let God sort em out”, kinda on the largest economy in the world. in a Vietnam prison camp. Barack charm. Hell, his names only three letters Ding, ding, twelve rounds, a fight to the Obama, the ideological left field candi- away from being John McClane. You death. That’s how the media’s portraying date, has the lead so far over Hillary know, from Die Hard? it anyway, and I'm inclined to believe Clinton. Hillary, wife of Bill, is the estab- And while you may not agree with or lished, experienced Democrat with an 8 even like any of the US candidates, you them because, hell, it’s not like they’ve year history in the US senate. The race have to admit, they do have distinctive ever lied before. probably won’t be decided until the personalities and policies, unlike our own Still, the elections really are quite Democratic National Convention in Au- politicians, who, it has to be said, are in- thrilling, it seems like the whole of the gust. credibly boring in comparison. Brown is UK is captivated by them and it’s still Obama, Clinton or McCain. They’ve all dire, Cameron’s just a PR man and Nick only at the primary stage. The Democrats got their appealing qualities. Obama’s Clegg’s a Liberal Democrat. What ► TOTAL JUNE 2008 19
  • I wouldn’t give for a politician who, sive policy there is no passion or emotion. believe in, instead of playing to the cen- when asked his policy on Iran, sings It’s boring. trist voters, they will not only continue “Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran”. In the US, Obama and Clinton are slaugh- to turn off the public, but it will hurt our That’s what McCain did. And while, ad- tering each other, and they’re on the same democracy. We need politicians with in- TotalPolitics mittedly, that’s the scariest thing you’ve team. In Britain, Brown doesn’t want to tegrity, or at least, one who is willing to probably ever heard, it at least shows the criticise Cameron’s policies too much for tie a fire hose round his waist and jump guys got a little character. Wouldn’t you fear of isolating conservative voters. If of a roof screaming “Yippee ki yay, like a leader who doesn’t check every- politicians in the UK don’t start fighting motherfucker!” thing he says with a PR guy? Someone for an ideology, for policies they actually with an ideology like Obama, who hasn’t sold out his principles like Brown has? Someone who isn’t a Liberal Democrat Election Statistics: Full analysis like Nick “never gonna win an election” Clegg? of the race for the white house The US elections are so interesting to us because our own elections are boring. And they’re boring because there’s no choice. No candidate has any divisive policies because they’re all fighting for the middle ground. And if there’s no divi- Clinton delegates 2,024 target The dates of each cuacus and primary 0 500 1000 1500 2000 2500 Total delegates 1,500 Delegates 1,250 Super delegates 250 Obama delegates 2,024 target 0 500 1000 1500 2000 2500 Total delegates 1,634 Delegates 1,414 Super delegates 220 Candidate Profiles Barack Obama Democrat possible war with Iran Has been a vocal opponent of though favours sanctions. the war in Iraq since the Has an aggressive plan to The latest Polls start. Dismissed President combat climate change and Bush’s troop surge and favoured the US ratifying the wants to withdraw American Kyoto agreement. For gun McCain Vs Clinton McCain Vs Obama control. troops. Proposes redeploying troops from Iraq to John McCain Republican Afghanistan. Voted for the war in Iraq Plans on bringing in a system and is a vocal supporter of it. of universal healthcare. Believes in keeping US Hilary Clinton Democrat troops in Iraq. Is one of the Voted for the war in Iraq but few Republicans to support 37% 36% 36% 34% closing down Guantanamo later changed her position. Favours a phased with- bay and to voice concern drawal from Iraq. over possible torture prac- Has refused to rule out a tices by US interrogators and intelligence agents. Associated press/Yahoo poll TOTAL June 2008 21