Quick Dick News is topical humor written by a guy named Dick. These are not dick jokes. These are headline news jokes.

1. It’s
News
It’s
Quick It’s
Dick
Quick Dick News
© Dick Sharp

2. © Dick Sharp
President Obama announced economic sanctions
against Russia if troops remain in the Crimean
Peninsula. Russia’s #1 and #2 exports, vodka and
mail-order brides, will be blocked while the
#3 export, drunken mail-order brides,
will not be affected.

3. © Dick Sharp
A beer truck carrying 239 bottles of Guinness is missing.
Irish authorities have no idea where it is. Truck driver
Johnny O’Toole made a joke just before leaving the dock:
“My friends are thirsty. And I don’t have any friends.”

4. © Dick Sharp
General Motors is recalling 100,000 cars
that don’t have any tires on them. GM won’t
say how the cars were allowed to leave the
factory in that condition but did say most
of the cars were sold to the blind.

5. Research from the Alcohol Institute in Dublin
concludes that drinking too much alcohol makes
you drunk and prone to saying stupid things.
Patrons of Finnegan’s Tavern, where the research
was conducted, says the institute doesn’t know
its ass from a hole in the ground.

6. Research from the Alcohol Institute in Munich
concludes that drinking too much alcohol makes
you drunk and prone to saying stupid things.
Patrons of the Hofbrau Haus, where the research
was conducted, says those dummkopf experts
probably use beer steins for birth control.

7. © Dick Sharp
A pregnant Irish woman gave birth today
to a 64oz jug of Guinness. No surprise.
She was drinking the entire nine months.

8. © Dick Sharp
A Chicago billboard shows Jesus
holding an assault rifle and saying:
“Don’t touch my Easter eggs.”

9. © Dick Sharp
On this day in Irish-American history,
Timmy O’Brien, my high school classmate,
caught the vinyl album “Equinox” by Styx
in his teeth thrown at him like a Frisbee
from 100 feet at a beer party in the woods.

10. © Dick Sharp
Lame duck vice president, Joe Biden, announced
when he leaves public office in 2016, he will
do what he’s always wanted to do –
become a sleep study patient.

11. © Dick Sharp
At a St. Patrick’s Day parade in Moscow,
drunken Russians insisted Putin move troops
into Ireland, too. One green-clad reveler said
“Our president is Irish like Napoleon.”

12. Archeologists have discovered the remains of a
prehistoric gay bar in rural France. The male bones
were found in a conga line with evidence of a drag show.
The remains of two adult male sheep were also found.

13. Once enough GLBT’s get into powerful positions,
this country will clean up it’s act. Illegals crossing
the border … “Here’s a mop and bucket, Pedro.
Wherever you go’s gunna be clean.” Cocaine smugglers
... “No more snow this year, fellas. Got enough already.”
Terrorists … “All you bad boys needs is a transgender
operation to get you in the patriotic mood.”

14. Deepdish Mudpie, the leading expert in global
consciousness, would like everyone on the planet
to grab hold of a tree or building this Wednesday at
12noon (Greenwich Mean Time) and “Lift the Earth.”
Mudpie wants to prove that we can all work together
to literally change the Earth’s direction. Don’t forget to
buy an official pair of autographed “Lift the Earth”
gloves. $9.95. LifttheEarth.com.

15. © Dick Sharp
The Chinese government has agreed to pay off the
entire US debt -- $17 trillion – under one condition:
The White House must change its name to
The Peking Dumpling House.

16. © Dick Sharp
Quote of the Day
I always keep my brain near my Smart Phone
just in case I need to use it.

17. © Dick Sharp
Irish Quote of the Day
May the devil’s Death Database crash 30 minutes
before your soul is uploaded into Heaven.