10 reasons why the hunger games is a piece of shit
9 reasons why the HungerGames is a piece of shitFor my brother
Before I take you on a whimsical ride through the abomination ofcinema that is the Hunger Games, I will clarify that I have not and willnever read the book that the movie is based on. A movie is acompletely different median of artistic expression and should neverrequire the pre-requisite of reading a book to be good. This is shownthrough the lord of the rings trilogy. They are great movies regardlessof whether you read the book or not.So here we go! Take my figurative hand as we begin the systematic ballkicking this movie deserves.
The main characters are the healthiest starvingAppalachian children I have ever seen.The whole premise of the movie is that children ages 12-18 put their namesinto a drawing to earn food for their family. They only risk their lives forfood because there is literally none around for people to eat however themain characters are not only well feed but healthy! If your trying to portraya society where children are risking their lives for food then the maincharacters shouldn’t look like they just strode out of a home town buffet.Nothing say starving to death quite like Hawaiian rolls!
How do you have extra bread?So there is a flashback scene in which Petta tosses Katniss some burnt breadin the rain. In a world where people bet their lives against dinner, why wouldanyone throw out two whole loafs of bread because it turned out a littlecrispy? Earlier in the movie Gale traded a full squirrel for just a half loaf ofbread and Katniss lost her shit. She even questioned whether it was real ornot. With that in mind, Petta dumps four times that because apparently itisnt up to the standards the staving villagers are used too. “This bread isburnt! I want my squirrel back god dammit!”Fuck bread I don’t need to eat! #YOLO
The kids had to dig up and move a metricfuck-ton of minesThis batch of WTF was a little hard to catch at first because the logic of thescene was sound. Katniss couldn’t have the food so she made sure no one elsecould have it by blowing up the mines around the food. Good idea howeverthere are two glaring issues with the scene. The first is that the kids somehowdug up all of the mines without setting them off then placed them around thesupplies. The second is that the explosion is from the center of the pile ofsupplies!
The above picture shows the rearrangement of the mines from around the startarea into a condensed circle around the supplies. If you count them the totalcomes out to be 97 mines. How the hell did 4 kids move 97 mines in (According toRue) 2 days? Assuming they can’t defuse mines in the dark, and that one memberwill always be on look out, they would need to successfully move a mine every10.45 minutes. That right there ladies and gentlemen is bullshit. What also can begleaned from the above picture is that none of the mines are directly in the centerof the supplies. If you would care to look at the below picture the supplies seem tobe exploding form their very core. Also there is a lot less than 97 dirt piles.
Peeta puts Michelangelo to shameSo in the training phase of the Hunger games everyone shows off their talents andPeeta probubly having taken two credits of art in high school whips up an arm disguiselike it is nothing. But wait why the hell is he doing that? Its not like he is going to have amotherfucking chemistry set in the wild! Seriously look at the picture and how muchshit he has on that table! There is a stove!Both injured and in the middle of a river he pulls the same shit. ON HIS FACE! Didthey air lift him non-toxic Crayola paint and a mirror? This is really fucking stupid.
You can’t afford food? Why don’t you just sellthat Leather jacket or boots?By now you are probably tired of me referencing this plot point but I mustemphasize that children are risking their lives for food! You have to be pretty goddamn poor if you are putting your kids in a death lottery for bread. In light of thisKatniss is wearing a fucking leather jacket. How the hell did she get a leatherjacket! Everyone in the district is wearing bed sheets or goes shirtless. I mean justlook how sad that Mexican kid looks with his broken door. You want food? Sell thejacket.
But in all seriousness though where did the Mexican kid come from…
You can’t just change the rules!In the movie they say that the Hunger Games has been going on for 74 years. Holy shitthat is a long time! You would have to be 80 to even remember the first Hunger games.The reason I am emphasizing this is because everyone and their grandma grew up with thegames which means everyone knows the rules. After that long, how can some randomgame master just decide to change the rules and let two people live now. BULLSHIT.Can you imagine the NBA getting together and decided that the players no longer have toget the most points to win but instead the winner would be determined by who can eatthe most Papa Johns Pizza. Anyway the game master changes his mind back to onewinner when the power couple kill Roid Master General Kato and then he allows themboth to live because they were both going to off themselves or some shit like that. I didn’treally understand the ending because the game master was trying desperately to kill allthem motherfuckers a minute ago and now that they want to do it themselves he can’ttake it. I guess they took the fun out of it for him.
The Kids are supposed to be the ones doing themurderingSo imagine the situation where you are the game master and a tribute isgetting close to the edge of your public arena, how do you turn her around?If you said burn the forest to the ground, then you think like the movie does!(and also are on Smokey the bear’s hit list).The whole point of the games is for the kids to snap each others necks inslow motion so white people can watch on their future TiVo. It makesabsolutely no sense for the game master to throw fireballs at a tributeclose to breaking the rules! Imagine if a NFL referee took the football andscored himself because the lions were taking to long to get a touchdown.That would be hilarious but no one would want to live in Detroit anymore.(not like anyone wanted to anyway)
Later in the movie the game master decides to send in weird prehistoric dogs toend the games early. Before I even explain how stupid the dogs are can I pointout the fact that they are in a rush to end the games and how fucking stupidthat is. Imagine if the during the third quarter of the super bowl the referee cutthe fourth quarter entirely. “No fourth! We have to hurry this shit up gray’sanatomy is on after.” The hunger games is a huge cash cow and no one in theirright mind would want to end it early when there is still money to be had.At the climax of the movie where there are only four contenders left thegame master decides to give logic the middle finger and try and kill the kidshimself. To help him he enlists Satan’s puppies to help him. The dogs murderthe tribute from district 11 and chase the remaining three tributes to the topof the cornucopia. Petta and Katniss kill Roid Master General and win theHunger games! All is well except for district 11 who was robbed of victory bythe game master himself, dick move bro… dick move.
The dude on the death cannon sucks at his jobNow to explain mistake number two I have decided to make it into a story, thestory of Jeremy. Jeremy is that slice of heaven in the left of the picture who justgot the job as this hunger games’ death cannon operator. His coveted positionrequires him to have to press a button every time someone dies.Jeremy was so excited to have this position that he wore his best shirt for hisfirst day. As the games started Jeremy kept track of every person that died.The initial killing total came out to be twelve. Jeremy triumphantly pushedthe button twelve times making the cannon go off indicating that twelvepeople had died. A joyful look erupted on his face as he asked, “I did good?”to his colleges. The supervisor came over, patted him on the head, slippedhim a chocolate chip cookie and whispered, “you did good Jeremy”.
Jeremy had never felt better in his life. He could see on the camera that the crowdwas cheering for his very cannon. He swore he would not screw up his chance atfame but fate had other plans.Jeremy attempted to pay attention to the game but it was so hard! He keptwishing the arena wasnt so god damn big and boring as fuck. Even with thechallenges Jeremy stayed alert and focused. Death 13? Jeremy pushed thebutton! 14? It was off camera but I assume so! How about 15? Sadly Jeremy didnot press the button after death 15. Jeremy completely missed the explosion atthe cornucopia and steroid Steve snapping the first neck he could find. Jeremyunderstood what he did wrong and he would never let another death go!
O Wait, actually Jeremy totally fucks up the next two deaths too. As Katnisscomes to the rescue of her dear friend rue a nameless and somehow alliance-less contender leaps from the bushes and totally fucks shit up with a spear.Katniss totally does a matrix turn around arrow shot to the chest butunfortunately that doesnt change the fact that Rue got mega-shanked just offscreen. How the hell did Jeremy miss this? Three people died within an hourand he misses all three! Everybody thinks Jeremy is a dick now. Poor Jeremy.Jeremy just couldn’t get his shit together and unfortunately got replaced midhunger games. I don’t know this for sure though because Jeremy does notexist and this is just a really shitty movie not reality.Its ok Jeremyyou tried
That Fucking FenceOur journey together has reached its final stop, but don’t fret I saved thebest for last. The scene opens up with Katniss approaching a fence,unfortunately for her the fence is labeled high voltage. Getting shocked froma metal door handle hurts like a bitch so Katniss wouldn’t dare get near thatfence right?Wrong. Katniss punches logic in the face and takes certain death head on.So she gets shocked and dies right? Hell no! that sign is a dirty fucking liar.
So why is this fence such a clusterfuck of confusion? The simple answer isthat there is absolutely, under no condition, any reason for that fence tonot be electrified. You may say that the fence does not have powerrunning to it, however the town has power lines. For all the non scientistsreading this, power lines carry fucking electricity.You may say that the fence is broken, however Katniss says that she hasbeen hunting outside the district for more than a year. The HungerGames is completely dependent on districts offering up tributes, so theoverseers of the games probably wouldn’t let the border of a district ofthousands of people just turn off for a few years.“Hey did we figure out a way to tellif the fences had electricity inthem?”“Nah”“how about security cameras orbasically any other way of telling ifpeople are staying in the districts?“U… No,”“This movie is pretty shitty”“Yup”
According to the dialogue in this movie only Gale and Katniss know how toescape into the open land. This surprises me because I would not think thatout of an entire district of people desperate enough to participate in theHunger games two teenagers were the ones to actually check if the fenceeven works. Also how did they even figure out he fence was a lie? Did theyjust read the sign and say fuck it as the heroically leap towards it?All in all this fence has one of the most important jobs in the hunger gamesuniverse and it totally fucking sucks at being a fence. It is not barbed, it is notvery high, it is made of extremely thin wire, and most of all it is not anelectric fence. They should have just hired a dude to stand at the border andgive stern looks to whoever leaves, at least then katniss would feel bad aboutleaving. Even with the shit storm of problems this movie has, it made a ton ofmoney and spawned development for a sequel. A sequel? Yes a sequel…maybe this time around they will tell us who the fuck Gale even is.
Everyone in this pictureWoody Harrelson’s faceHonorable Mentions