I get down to the nitty-gritty of the hunger games and reveal why it is killing braincells worldwide. I don't own Hunger games so don't sue me please and thank you.

1. 9 reasons why the Hunger
Games is a piece of shit
For my brother

2. Before I take you on a whimsical ride through the abomination of
cinema that is the Hunger Games, I will clarify that I have not and will
never read the book that the movie is based on. A movie is a
completely different median of artistic expression and should never
require the pre-requisite of reading a book to be good. This is shown
through the lord of the rings trilogy. They are great movies regardless
of whether you read the book or not.
So here we go! Take my figurative hand as we begin the systematic ball
kicking this movie deserves.

3. The main characters are the healthiest starving
Appalachian children I have ever seen.
The whole premise of the movie is that children ages 12-18 put their names
into a drawing to earn food for their family. They only risk their lives for
food because there is literally none around for people to eat however the
main characters are not only well feed but healthy! If your trying to portray
a society where children are risking their lives for food then the main
characters shouldn’t look like they just strode out of a home town buffet.
Nothing say starving to death quite like Hawaiian rolls!

4. How do you have extra bread?
So there is a flashback scene in which Petta tosses Katniss some burnt bread
in the rain. In a world where people bet their lives against dinner, why would
anyone throw out two whole loafs of bread because it turned out a little
crispy? Earlier in the movie Gale traded a full squirrel for just a half loaf of
bread and Katniss lost her shit. She even questioned whether it was real or
not. With that in mind, Petta dumps four times that because apparently it
isn't up to the standards the staving villagers are used too. “This bread is
burnt! I want my squirrel back god dammit!”
Fuck bread I don’t need to eat! #YOLO

5. The kids had to dig up and move a metric
fuck-ton of mines
This batch of WTF was a little hard to catch at first because the logic of the
scene was sound. Katniss couldn’t have the food so she made sure no one else
could have it by blowing up the mines around the food. Good idea however
there are two glaring issues with the scene. The first is that the kids somehow
dug up all of the mines without setting them off then placed them around the
supplies. The second is that the explosion is from the center of the pile of
supplies!

6. The above picture shows the rearrangement of the mines from around the start
area into a condensed circle around the supplies. If you count them the total
comes out to be 97 mines. How the hell did 4 kids move 97 mines in (According to
Rue) 2 days? Assuming they can’t defuse mines in the dark, and that one member
will always be on look out, they would need to successfully move a mine every
10.45 minutes. That right there ladies and gentlemen is bullshit. What also can be
gleaned from the above picture is that none of the mines are directly in the center
of the supplies. If you would care to look at the below picture the supplies seem to
be exploding form their very core. Also there is a lot less than 97 dirt piles.

7. Peeta puts Michelangelo to shame
So in the training phase of the Hunger games everyone shows off their talents and
Peeta probubly having taken two credits of art in high school whips up an arm disguise
like it is nothing. But wait why the hell is he doing that? Its not like he is going to have a
motherfucking chemistry set in the wild! Seriously look at the picture and how much
shit he has on that table! There is a stove!
Both injured and in the middle of a river he pulls the same shit. ON HIS FACE! Did
they air lift him non-toxic Crayola paint and a mirror? This is really fucking stupid.

8. You can’t afford food? Why don’t you just sell
that Leather jacket or boots?
By now you are probably tired of me referencing this plot point but I must
emphasize that children are risking their lives for food! You have to be pretty god
damn poor if you are putting your kids in a death lottery for bread. In light of this
Katniss is wearing a fucking leather jacket. How the hell did she get a leather
jacket! Everyone in the district is wearing bed sheets or goes shirtless. I mean just
look how sad that Mexican kid looks with his broken door. You want food? Sell the
jacket.

9. But in all seriousness though where did the Mexican kid come from…

10. You can’t just change the rules!
In the movie they say that the Hunger Games has been going on for 74 years. Holy shit
that is a long time! You would have to be 80 to even remember the first Hunger games.
The reason I am emphasizing this is because everyone and their grandma grew up with the
games which means everyone knows the rules. After that long, how can some random
game master just decide to change the rules and let two people live now. BULLSHIT.
Can you imagine the NBA getting together and decided that the players no longer have to
get the most points to win but instead the winner would be determined by who can eat
the most Papa Johns Pizza. Anyway the game master changes his mind back to one
winner when the power couple kill Roid Master General Kato and then he allows them
both to live because they were both going to off themselves or some shit like that. I didn’t
really understand the ending because the game master was trying desperately to kill all
them motherfuckers a minute ago and now that they want to do it themselves he can’t
take it. I guess they took the fun out of it for him.

11. The Kids are supposed to be the ones doing the
murdering
So imagine the situation where you are the game master and a tribute is
getting close to the edge of your public arena, how do you turn her around?
If you said burn the forest to the ground, then you think like the movie does!
(and also are on Smokey the bear’s hit list).
The whole point of the games is for the kids to snap each others necks in
slow motion so white people can watch on their future TiVo. It makes
absolutely no sense for the game master to throw fireballs at a tribute
close to breaking the rules! Imagine if a NFL referee took the football and
scored himself because the lions were taking to long to get a touchdown.
That would be hilarious but no one would want to live in Detroit anymore.
(not like anyone wanted to anyway)

12. Later in the movie the game master decides to send in weird prehistoric dogs to
end the games early. Before I even explain how stupid the dogs are can I point
out the fact that they are in a rush to end the games and how fucking stupid
that is. Imagine if the during the third quarter of the super bowl the referee cut
the fourth quarter entirely. “No fourth! We have to hurry this shit up gray’s
anatomy is on after.” The hunger games is a huge cash cow and no one in their
right mind would want to end it early when there is still money to be had.
At the climax of the movie where there are only four contenders left the
game master decides to give logic the middle finger and try and kill the kids
himself. To help him he enlists Satan’s puppies to help him. The dogs murder
the tribute from district 11 and chase the remaining three tributes to the top
of the cornucopia. Petta and Katniss kill Roid Master General and win the
Hunger games! All is well except for district 11 who was robbed of victory by
the game master himself, dick move bro… dick move.

13. The dude on the death cannon sucks at his job
Now to explain mistake number two I have decided to make it into a story, the
story of Jeremy. Jeremy is that slice of heaven in the left of the picture who just
got the job as this hunger games’ death cannon operator. His coveted position
requires him to have to press a button every time someone dies.
Jeremy was so excited to have this position that he wore his best shirt for his
first day. As the games started Jeremy kept track of every person that died.
The initial killing total came out to be twelve. Jeremy triumphantly pushed
the button twelve times making the cannon go off indicating that twelve
people had died. A joyful look erupted on his face as he asked, “I did good?”
to his colleges. The supervisor came over, patted him on the head, slipped
him a chocolate chip cookie and whispered, “you did good Jeremy”.

14. Jeremy had never felt better in his life. He could see on the camera that the crowd
was cheering for his very cannon. He swore he would not screw up his chance at
fame but fate had other plans.
Jeremy attempted to pay attention to the game but it was so hard! He kept
wishing the arena wasn't so god damn big and boring as fuck. Even with the
challenges Jeremy stayed alert and focused. Death 13? Jeremy pushed the
button! 14? It was off camera but I assume so! How about 15? Sadly Jeremy did
not press the button after death 15. Jeremy completely missed the explosion at
the cornucopia and steroid Steve snapping the first neck he could find. Jeremy
understood what he did wrong and he would never let another death go!

15. O Wait, actually Jeremy totally fucks up the next two deaths too. As Katniss
comes to the rescue of her dear friend rue a nameless and somehow alliance-
less contender leaps from the bushes and totally fucks shit up with a spear.
Katniss totally does a matrix turn around arrow shot to the chest but
unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that Rue got mega-shanked just off
screen. How the hell did Jeremy miss this? Three people died within an hour
and he misses all three! Everybody thinks Jeremy is a dick now. Poor Jeremy.
Jeremy just couldn’t get his shit together and unfortunately got replaced mid
hunger games. I don’t know this for sure though because Jeremy does not
exist and this is just a really shitty movie not reality.
Its ok Jeremy
you tried

16. That Fucking Fence
Our journey together has reached its final stop, but don’t fret I saved the
best for last. The scene opens up with Katniss approaching a fence,
unfortunately for her the fence is labeled high voltage. Getting shocked from
a metal door handle hurts like a bitch so Katniss wouldn’t dare get near that
fence right?
Wrong. Katniss punches logic in the face and takes certain death head on.
So she gets shocked and dies right? Hell no! that sign is a dirty fucking liar.

17. So why is this fence such a clusterfuck of confusion? The simple answer is
that there is absolutely, under no condition, any reason for that fence to
not be electrified. You may say that the fence does not have power
running to it, however the town has power lines. For all the non scientists
reading this, power lines carry fucking electricity.
You may say that the fence is broken, however Katniss says that she has
been hunting outside the district for more than a year. The Hunger
Games is completely dependent on districts offering up tributes, so the
overseers of the games probably wouldn’t let the border of a district of
thousands of people just turn off for a few years.
“Hey did we figure out a way to tell
if the fences had electricity in
them?”
“Nah”
“how about security cameras or
basically any other way of telling if
people are staying in the districts?
“U… No,”
“This movie is pretty shitty”
“Yup”

18. According to the dialogue in this movie only Gale and Katniss know how to
escape into the open land. This surprises me because I would not think that
out of an entire district of people desperate enough to participate in the
Hunger games two teenagers were the ones to actually check if the fence
even works. Also how did they even figure out he fence was a lie? Did they
just read the sign and say fuck it as the heroically leap towards it?
All in all this fence has one of the most important jobs in the hunger games
universe and it totally fucking sucks at being a fence. It is not barbed, it is not
very high, it is made of extremely thin wire, and most of all it is not an
electric fence. They should have just hired a dude to stand at the border and
give stern looks to whoever leaves, at least then katniss would feel bad about
leaving. Even with the shit storm of problems this movie has, it made a ton of
money and spawned development for a sequel. A sequel? Yes a sequel…
maybe this time around they will tell us who the fuck Gale even is.

19. Everyone in this picture
Woody Harrelson’s face
Honorable Mentions

20. Thanks for reading
Hey there