In conclusion, I have to admit that there are other medicines that numb the pain more. Some that stick to the sore better, and some that heal it faster. But when it comes to the overall combination of ease and effectiveness of use, none quite reach your heights.
4. There are many a canker sore
medication on the market vying
for our attention and our mouths,
but I’ve played the field for many,
many years, and in the end, there
was only one mistress that ever
made me feel so complete, so
whole, so… fulfilled.
5. That mistress is Orabase.
Orabase, how do I love thee? Let
me count the ways.
6. Orabase, You’re always right
where I need you.
Orabase, you fit in my
pocket. And that’s not an easy
task, I carry a lot of things in my
pocket. But your tube is long
and slender, almost exactly as
thick as my wallet,
7. and that’s where you stay, right
out of the way, so when I go to
grab my credit card, it doesn’t
become a fiasco of chasing
down a runaway canker sore
medication.
8. You’re also soft, so I don’t have an
exaggerated, obvious lump in my
jeans that bumps against every
waist-level surface, and you don’t
dig into my leg when I lay down or
switch positions in my seat.
9. And your cap stays on, strong and
true, so you don’t leak in my
pocket and ruin my pants, and
even if you did leak, you’re not
oily or staining like other
medicines, so I don’t need to
worry.
10. You’re easy to apply.
Orabase, you’re adorable!
You make things so easy for
me. Many canker sore
medications require you bring
along a full
11. kit of supplies, including a
mirror, several Q-Tips, a sink, a
drool bag, rubber gloves, and
sometimes an industrial-
strength apple corer.
12. But not you, Orabase. With you
all I need is my index
finger. And a napkin if one’s
handy.
13. Any time I need you, I can just smear
a little bit of you on my finger and
dab it on there. It’s so easy to be
discreet, all it takes is for me to just
dip my head down. Anybody who
didn’t
14. know better would think I was
just picking something out of
my teeth. With other
medicines, I have to find a
private place like a bathroom,
car, basement, elevator, or
sound-proof bomb shelter.
15. Because you’re totally
painless!
So many other medicines numb
the pain, but not before making
you feel like your mouth just
got branded like a Hereford calf
on an 1890s cattle ranch.
16. Half the experience of putting
medicine on it is wiping away
the copious pathetic tears
streaming down your face.
But not with you, Orabase!
17. You go right on there and start
making my tongue feel like it’s
had 12 shots of tequila
instantly. Don’t get me wrong,
I’m not a prude, sometimes I like
a little pain. But I have to admit, I
can’t get enough of your gentle
touch.
18. And finally, you stick around.
Like any good lover, friend, or
family member (never all three
in one, of course), you don’t
disappear as soon as I turn my
attention away from you.
19. So many other medicines wipe
away immediately, their effects
barely felt, but not you. Your
pasty paste clings to the spot
and doesn’t let go. Sure, if I’m
eating, you get wiped off in
good time, but you’ve done your
job.
20. That spot is numb and eating is
enjoyable again. And
sometimes, you stretch your
legs and smear around to the
rest of my mouth and tongue,
making it a challenge to talk.
21. But that’s just because you’re
an overachiever.
In conclusion, I have to admit
that there are other medicines
that numb the pain more.
22. Some that stick to the sore
better, and some that heal it
faster. But when it comes to the
overall combination of ease and
effectiveness of use, none quite
reach your heights.
23. And that is why I say that you,
Orabase, may well be the
greatest thing in the world for
canker sores.
I’ve got your number. We’ll talk
soon.